How do you Deal with fear of being Alone and fear of a Man leaving You? Find out in this article…

If there was one thing I could have every woman understand about herself; it would be that our biggest fear is that we will be abandoned. With friends, this fear exists, with parents, it also exists, but nowhere is this fear more intense than dealing with men. (Click here to take the quiz “How Feminine Am I Actually”)

Now, there are women in our population all over the world who are just more masculine; and it’s in their biology, not necessarily choice. A lot of women put out masculine energy by choice, but inside, they are really a flower waiting to bloom. But there is a small population of women who are born more masculine; it’s in their chemical make up.

What percentage is this? Roughly 10%, if you go by the well respected David Deida’s work. So it’s still quite a lot of the population.

So I will not speak for them; as I am not them and it wouldn’t be fair for me to assume what their life is like.

But one thing that became apparent to me as I embarked on my life mission to help women understand men, and help women attract and keep a man that worships them, it is this internal barrier of what I call a fear of abandonment that we carry around that stops us doing that very thing we want – attracting a truly present and caring man.

The fear exists to protect us; yet it’s also ACTING on this fear without THINKING that pushes men away.

Let me make this very clear: masculine men mostly don’t mind that we have this fear of abandonment. What they don’t like, and can’t RESPOND to,or help us with,  or deal with; is HOW we as women express the fear. Most women express it in anger, frustration, blame or criticism. Because it’s just so much harder to say: “I need you.” or “I’m scared you’ll run off and if you run off, I’ll be scared and alone.”

And that’s actually not our fault. It’s proof that the fear is THAT ingrained and hard-wired in to us. It’s in our body. If you were to think honestly about it, you’d realise, that this fear of abandonment comes us VERY often in your dealings with men, or in your relationship with a man…and if you were super, super honest:

You’d probably acknowledge that you (like most women) respond to this fear through a fight or flight response. Fight or flight response doesn’t have to be a response to a physical danger; fight or flight is JUST as strong and intense when we feel we are presented with an emotional danger/threat. See this page here for more amazing info on the fight or flight response and how emotional fear can come in to the picture: http://www.thebodysoulconnection.com/EducationCenter/fight.html

This fear of abandonment is of course, something I also have. I am no stranger to it. It’s familiar to me. More than familiar. It’s the angry friend in me. It’s hard to admit she’s there; because you know, sometimes, I just want to be OK. I don’t want to have fears; I just want to be ok. Don’t you get sick of your own fears too?

The Problem is more serious when you won’t Admit that the Fear of Abandonment exists

But what’s hard in my work is communicating to women that they DO in fact, have this fear.

Do you know what I mean?

As much as we all know deep inside that we have this fear, the fear itself is SO intense, real and ingrained and difficult for us to deal with, that we have found a dangerous coping mechanism, encouraged by our mothers, female teachers, mentors and – close girlfriends; and that is denying that the fear is there.

Instead, we settle for another, much more fake meaning in our lives:

“I’m an independent woman.”

“I don’t need a MAN! F*** you!” (not an indicator of the fear itself at all, hey? 🙂

“Men are assholes!” (translate: I’m terribly hurt and disappointed that this man isn’t the right man; that he isn’t reassuring me that he will never leave me).

“I can make my own money! Men are useless creatures!”

Men have Equally (if not more) Intense Fears with Women

Men have their fears with women, too. Fears that are just as intense as ours, or even more. I’m not a man, so I won’t articulate it well. My husband articulates them for the male population in our program Understanding Men. And as more women have taken that course since we launched it, I’ve noticed more and more women respect that men also have fears. And it puts them at ease.

Because otherwise, with how cold and unemotional men seem sometimes, it really does look like they fear nothing. All is not as it seems with men. 🙂

How Can you Tell a Woman has this Fear?

The next time you see a woman acting disrespectful or what you might consider slutty around your man (or a man you like), or try to take attention for herself from YOUR man, don’t hate her. She’s got the same fear as you. She just shows it differently, and maybe in a more damaging way than you. 

Are you wondering how this fear of abandonment is expressed by women? It’s usually undetectable, UNLESS you’re aware that women have this fear, which you now are. Here are some ways that women try to deal with the fear of being left:

Plastic surgery. My man will readily tell you (and I trust no other man on earth more than him to give the most genuine and carefully researched answers on dating and relationships than him.) that women who are obsessed with plastic surgery make it harder for men to come forth and marry them or take care of them, because the plastic surgery is an attempt to be LESS vulnerable. Ie: it’s a way to seemingly decrease the RISK of being left by a man.

– Blaming men.

– Over-eating.

Expressing resentment for men by using cutting words. Women are GREAT with words. Only, words do hurt. And it’s our weapon to hurt a man who seems to have threatened to leave us, when in fact, maybe he hasn’t anyway! We just interpreted it that way because we were blinded by our own fear before we had a chance to observe his actions.

Smoking, drinking, insomnia, substance abuse (all the things any human being uses to deal with underlying stress or constant fight or flight response in their body).

Sleeping around with men blindly and then breaking down years later, because she can’t handle shutting out her own fears anymore. What she really wants is to trust a man, but somehow, she just hasn’t been able to. It’s fine to sleep around with men as long as you also allow yourself the chance to open to a deeper love with a man, so you experience both dark and light parts of yourself. Some women don’t, though. They just sleep around, thinking that’s the answer…when their soul is aching for a deeper love.

– Complaining. Complaining isn’t good or bad, as I mean to use the word here. It just is. It’s a coping mechanism. We do what we need to do to survive. Complaining sometimes seems to work.

 – Going to her children to meet all her needs, and neglecting her husband/boyfriend. See here’s the thing about children: they seem to need you and depend on you for many years, which they do. Until they don’t. Children just seem less risky a place to meet our needs (if we have children) than opening ourselves to a man, who could ‘leave us or cheat on us (which in the female body, feels the same as being left)’.

Those are some examples. By no means all, just some.

Can you ‘get over’ the fear?’

Of course not. That would be like telling a young infant not to cry, ever. Impossible. An infant cries to get people to tend to it. Infants are vulnerable. So are women. So are men. Women are just more consistently emotionally vulnerable than men. NOT more emotionally vulnerable, just more consistently emotionally vulnerable. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

You can’t GET OVER any fear. Fear is always there; because it helps us survive. Without it, we’d be dead. Fear serves just as much of a purpose for us as does joy, elation, and emotional or sexual pleasure.

So you can’t ‘get over’ or ‘get rid of’ the fear of being left by a man. You can just practice a relaxation response repetitively enough that you lessen the frequency and intensity with which your brain and body is HIJACKED by that fear of abandonment.

You and I both fear Abandonment…

You and I as women most likely both experience the fear of abandonment. Only, we might express it differently. It’s up to you to become aware of how you cover up the fear, and the consequences you’ve suffered in your life from letting that fear dominate your life.

My bet is….

If you are still single, or if you are having problems in your relationship…it’s directly related to how you express this fear or react to this fear within yourself.

You see, my husband now understands that I have this fear…but it was not an automatic understanding for him – it took years. And any man you date or get in to a relationship with, won’t necessarily GET that you have this fear.

BUT – and here’s the beautiful thing about MEN:

Men can’t help but respond to genuine vulnerability and helplessness in a woman.

So here’s what I recommend every woman do to turn her biggest fear in to her biggest asset:

Express your fear in a form of genuine vulnerability. Not a fight or flight response.

Now, what does a fight or flight response look like?

It looks like blaming, interrogation over the phone such as “where are you?” “where were you?” “are you cheating on me?” “are you with HER again?” “what are you DOING?” “Why didn’t you call?”.

It could also come in the form of payback ie: passively acting from a place of ‘you ignore me, I ignore you.’

You could also obsessively check his facebook or email or phone or bank account. You could also express your fight or flight response by accusing him of cheating on you or lying to you. You could also simply take out your fear on your children or your girlfriends or family.

Instead of all this, you can try RESPONDING (rather than reacting) to your fear of being left by a man by bringing him closer. Here’s an example; Try saying with your body and your words with gratitude “I’ve missed you.” or “how are you doing? Are you well?”

Remember that often, your fears cause you to push away the VERY thing that you want: a deep love with a man that you trust.

I have more answers for you to help you eliminate anxiety with men here.

Have you struggled with a fear of being alone? Or of being left by a man? You’re welcome to share your experiences below this article, which will also help other women. I believe that the more women talk about this among each other, the more support we have. And the more support we have, the safer we can feel when we need it. I look forward to hearing from you and reading your comment!

 

xo Renee.

renee-wade

 

If you also get frustrated when a man pulls away or goes quiet, you can try reading my article, ‘Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal with it‘ too.

 

Other Related Articles Here…

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Babs Smith
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Babs Smith

Where to start? Firstly, let me say that I get so much from your articles and have tried some of your products. Thank you. Now to the crux… my fear of abandonment was ingrained from birth. As was my response to give up. I was given up for adoption and then at 4 weeks of age I was diagnosed with failure to thrive. My fight or flight response is very difficult to resist. Now the relationship… I met my man 3 years ago online. I had never been made to feel so loved. I was ending my 17 year marriage… Read more »

Amber
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Amber

I can understand this but the part of not hating another woman who wants attention from your husband it is really a bit tricky when it is someone who is supposedly your friend and you expressed your fears of abandonment with her and in response she tries to get more attention from your husband. That is kind of a toxic friendship. And well her fear became a reality when you had to abandon her because of her uncomfortable behavior.

Amber
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Amber

And she is married as well

Amiina Habbtie
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Amiina Habbtie

There is a guy I had a crush on… Monster crush… Crying at night because I couldn’t text him or call him all the time as he is a man and needs freedom.. So after he kept texting and calling me but I relaized we are not getting deeper with conversations … I told him that I couldn’t act like I had no feelings for him and I told him I needed to be away from him. He said okay. I was kind of disappointed and hoped he would stop me.. But I just wanted closure… So now I’m here… Read more »

Kim A.
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Kim A.

Hi Renee Thank you for the article I have the same problem except I am a 30 year old who’s never been in a real relationship. I recently realised that I have a pattern where I meet guy, I like him and he likes me. Then he pulls away before a relationship even starts. then I become over whelmed with stress and fear but I don’t reveal it. Instead I ignore him and play hard to get until he comes back begging for my attention and by that time I would have lost interest. I’ve come to realise that maybe… Read more »

David Shen
Admin

Hi Kim, great comment. It’s a good question – well, how much do you want to be yourself? Plying hard to get is good when you are both establishing your value. You can express your feelings early on, however it has to be done in a way that doesn’t make him feel blamed – just emotions as they are, not trying to get anything from him. It can simply be shown on your face. We have more on things you can day and do in Commitment Control. If you’re not ready for a course, keep reading around, there’s a lot… Read more »

Alisha nischal
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Alisha nischal

Hi Renee, I am a 21 year old in love with a boy who is equally in love with me and I am sure of that. We have been together for an year now but past few months have been really hard, we have had a lot of problems mostly because of other women in his life and I have felt extremely vulnerable because of them and the reason for all our major fights have been them. I have tried to communicate this to him and he did take it well and he made me understand that there is no… Read more »

alyssa
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alyssa

Renee, Thank you so much. I wasn’t quite sure what that feeling was and it always comes up when I have to choose between staying/leaving a man’s presence and it is especially strong after we have shared some form of intimacy.I thought it was guilt but fight or flight response is EXACTLY what that is and usually I end up threatening to leave because I want him to beg me to stay but it doesn’t work like that lol. He ends up usually telling me to leave and then I feel worse. But now that I understand what this feeling… Read more »

becky
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becky

I don’t want to be with my husband of 32 years. I was diagnosed with a muscle disease in 2012 and aftrr taking care of him and his health issues, he told me he didn’t care about my disease. I should “toughen up. Push through the pain. He has always been a controlling person and unfortunately I fell for it. I was in a bad place when we me so of course he said all the right things. Long story short- I want out but am afraid. He always says you know how much I love you. Well no not… Read more »

Jessica
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Jessica

I had an ex-fiance leave me. It was over something really petty. I learned from that point on if a man wants to leave, let him do so. I wasn’t in love with him and it really didn’t bother me when he left. I refuse to beg and plead with any man not to leave me. If he has it in his heart that he wants to leave, I let him leave. I may cry and listen to break up songs, but I don’t stay in that state for too long. Men come and go. Why be scared about a… Read more »

Chrysalis
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Chrysalis

Hi Renee, As always thanks for the post. I just remembered the quote “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent” by Eleanor Roosevelt. I would apply this to loneliness – no one can make us feel lonely without our consent. Some of us tend to confuse interdependence with co-dependence where we become enmeshed with others behaviors and feelings, seeking acceptance and approval from outside. We tend to forget that we are our own best person and friend. Until we recognize this in ourselves and work on it, we will continue to fear ourselves and fear others behaviour… Read more »

steph
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steph

I can’t even adequately express all that I’m feeling… There is a man who relocated temporarily to get to know me this summer. It was great. He says he deeply cares for me, can “see us going all the way to marriage”, etc., but he also says his life is full of instability right now (currently jobless, looking for an apartment) and is not ready for a relationship right now. He says he wants to pursue me from a “place of power” rather than his current state of weakness. I understand this. A man needs to feel like he can… Read more »

River
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River

Hi Steph, Your post resonated with me because one of my closest girlfriends went through a similar situation. She dated a guy for a brief time, it was a great match, they were falling in love, but he wasn’t ready (just after a divorce), so he stopped dating her. A year later he came back into her life, and they’ve been blissfully happy since (together a few years now). I’m close to them both and he explained that he knew my friend was the one for him but he just wasn’t in the space to get serious with her at… Read more »

Alice Pickering
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Alice Pickering

Yes, I understand. I really do. It is very uncomfortable indeed, the fear of rejection and abandonment either both or one or the other! it does indeed feel very threatening when the mind/body gets into fight flight and over thinking mode. I have smoked many a cigareete, popped anti anxiety meds, had many meltdowns, lost weight and sleep over it.Luckily, It doesn’t happen all the time and hasn’t happpened with every guy i have ever dated. It has, however, come up and bit me on the butt, like an old demon! Its very helpful to write. It clears the mind.… Read more »

falicha
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falicha

I have recently fallen in love! I feel as though i have never been in love before. What i feel for the man i am with far outweighs anything i have ever felt for another man. I came across this website because about a week ago I got scared! It gripped me so heavily that i was unable to sleep. My boy friend started working nights and it has been tough on me. I have felt a bit crazy and admit to doing some crazy things in order to get this feeling of fear out of me. At the same… Read more »

Angel-Eyes
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Angel-Eyes

Well I thought my abandonment issues were all down to my childhood. I hadn’t realized that my female biology hada part to play in this too. Ha :D, well its not actually that funny in real life. I guess that might explain why each time I have met people in the past, a freaky side of myself seems to emerge. I was under the illusion that it was conditiong that was making me behave in strange ways but I guess it comes down to the fact I’m real and as human as anyone else. Maybe it’s time to embrace the… Read more »

Sofia
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Sofia

Hi again, Renee.

So what is the difference between fear and your gut?

For example: How do you now if your gut tells you he is cheating on you vs your fear telling you he might be cheating?

A women will tell you: ALWAYS listen to your gut. But I dont know. I am confused.

Ann
Guest
Ann

Brilliant post as always. I have on disagreement. (Kindly) You CAN get over fears, especially of being alone. You must put as much attention as you do on men, to yourself and your own life. Have a few great friends who will answer the phone when you need them to. Have activities you love, especially when you’re giving to those less fortunate. Working with kids. Make your living space special, and comfortable, and pretty, as you like them so that being home is pleasurable. Make the time for your own desires and hobbies. This way, if a relationship doesn’t work… Read more »

lMdm
Guest

I agree. I am planning on making my new place the very way you described 🙂

L
Guest
L

The thing about loneliness that many people seem to misunderstand, is that it stems from ignoring one’s fears for long amounts of time. Eventually, it builds up and we take it out on those we love. We blame them for our inability to feel loved. For myself, I know that I feel neglected and unloved when I myself do not express how I feel. Ironically enough, i tend to hope that the people around me, especially my man, pick up on my feelings magically and rush to reassure me. Really, i should have been reassuring myself ^_^ i can look… Read more »

JJ
Guest
JJ

I actually just spoke with you on post of facebook, but did not feel comfortable exposing our relationship situation there. I am an open book but I do not think he would appreciate it at all.. I have been in a relationship with my guy for about a year and a half now and it has been very rocky.. not because of him, but because of this very fear here.. my fear of abandonment. I did not lead a very comforting life.. from the age of 2 I have suffered various forms of abuse and abandonment. and this carried on… Read more »

lou
Guest
lou

Hello Renee, I have been in divorce court for over 1 yr. now and after 23 yrs of marriage it has come to an end. I have been reading your blog for over 6 months now and have learn and accepted how clear it is to me that I did not know my spouse as a Man, which makes me so sad! I am over 50 yrs old and now face single life and I fear it!! My marriage was always one sided in my eyes to the point where I felt threaten by him, he always made women in… Read more »

Sofia
Guest
Sofia

Hello again, Renee! So interesting in reading your beautiful work. I dont trust anybody (coaches that is) than you! You are so true. As I was reading I saw the fear of abandonment here: ”- Going to her children to meet all her needs, and neglecting her husband/boyfriend.” And I want to ask you does this applies also to men? My ex after giving birth to our daughter really relayed on her. I now know its easy for him to relayed on her since its easy to show her his love for her rather than me. Its like he fulfil… Read more »

Tiff
Guest
Tiff

Thank you so much for this! This is a really wonderful article, and made me realize the root causes to some of my behavior with my man; wanting to be “in control”, and that feeling manifesting itself in ways detrimental to him and our relationship. I realize that I should have been more trusting of him.

I wonder though, is it enough to simply move past the mistakes and improve for the future? Or is it worth apologizing to your man over past mistakes/treatment in the relationship? Or does that just end up looking sort of “desperate”?

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