If you’re here because you’re wondering “why am I so scared my partner will leave me?” you’ve come to the right place.
If there was one thing I could have every woman understand about herself (and her feminine soul), it would be that as women, one of our biggest fears is that we will be abandoned by a man.
And it’s normal.
Often these anxious women have far too much fear too often and at too high an intensity.
That is a huge problem (that can be fixed).
But fear of your partner leaving you is very normal, especially for a woman who is attached to a man..
And especially for a woman who is attached to a man who isn’t emotionally committed to her.
In other words, the less you feel a man’s emotional commitment to you, the more fear and anxiety you will have.
Table of Contents
Fear of Abandonment: A Fear That’s Most Pronounced with men.
Why am I so scared of my partner leaving me?
Because the fear of abandonment is more pronounced when you become vulnerable to a man.
Fear of abandonment occurs with friends too of course.
It also exists with parents, but nowhere is this fear more intense than dealing with men.
This is a part of the feminine experience, and it exists because when you sense that a man is not as emotionally committed as you need, or perhaps when he is committed but you just have relationship anxiety, you are flooded with fear.
Feminine Women Naturally Fear Abandonment
Now, not every woman is the same – some women are securely attached and have less fear about a man leaving them.
But since women are by nature more vulnerable physically (and bear more future costs due to sex because they carry the baby in their own body), we fear being left to fend for ourselves.
This doesn’t mean that we live in fear, it just means we’re naturally more sensitive to being abandoned, thus we really seek that feeling of attachment and commitment with a ma.
Of course, there are women who are more detached (perhaps they have avoidant attachment style or are just by nature more masculine in their biology).
At the same time, a lot of women put out masculine energy by choice to cover up their vulnerability, but inside they are really a flower waiting to bloom.
But one thing that became apparent to me as I embarked on my life mission to help women understand men, and it is this:
How You Use Your Fear Of Him Leaving You Makes All The Difference
For many women, the fear of being left is the thing that makes them lose a guy.
But they don’t lose the guy because of the fear directly.
They lose him due to how the fear makes them act.
See, the fear exists to protect us; yet it’s also acting on this fear without thinking that pushes men away.
Let me make this very clear: high value masculine men don’t mind the fact that we have this fear of abandonment.
What they don’t like, and find it hard to respond positively to, is the toxic ways in which we as women express the fear.
In other words, how our fear manifests in our words and body language will be the make or break factor.
Many times, we can express it not as an authentic and vulnerable fear, but rather as:
- Vile and explosive anger
- Blame; or
Because it’s just so much harder to say:
“I need you.”
“I’m afraid you’ll run off. And if you run off, I’ll be scared and alone.”
Here’s the thing:
The fear isn’t our fault.
The toxic ways we express it that I’ve described above are actually proof that the fear is that ingrained and hard-wired in to us.
It’s in our body.
If you were to think honestly about it, you’d realise that this fear of abandonment comes up VERY often in your dealings with men, or in your relationship with a man…and if you were super, super honest…
You’d probably acknowledge that you (like many women) respond to this fear through a fight or flight response.
Fight or flight response doesn’t have to be a response to a physical danger; fight or flight is just as strong and intense when we feel we are presented with an emotional danger/threat.
See this page here for more amazing info on the fight or flight response and how emotional fear can come in to the picture:
This fear of abandonment is of course, something I also have. I am no stranger to it.
It’s hard to admit she’s there because you know, sometimes I just want to be OK.
I don’t want to have fears; I just want to be ok.
Don’t you sometimes get sick of your own fears too?
But then, I realised that the fear of abandonment can be turned into a good thing. In fact, the fear of abandonment can make you more beautiful!
Don’t Deny The fear of Your man Leaving You
As much as we all know deep inside that we have this fear, the hard part is admitting it.
When we find it hard to admit the fear, then we can’t be vulnerable to the fear, thus we cannot show up authentically.
Instead, we settle for covering up the fear with dishonest statements that give us a fake feeling of control.
Here are some examples:
“I’m an independent woman.”
“I can make my own money! Men are useless creatures!”
“I don’t need a MAN! F*** you!” (not an indicator of the fear itself at all, right?)
“Men are assholes!”
(Translation: I’m scared, I’m hurt, I don’t want to be vulnerable to a man).
And when you can’t let yourself admit the fear and feel it (therefore be vulnerable in the process), you tend to show up more low value, at least for a relationship.
If a man just wants sex with you, you can be as invulnerable and “independent” as you want – because sex is all he wants.
But if you actually want a relationship with him, it’s different. He will need mroe value from you than just sex.
And one of the highest value things you can offer him is your authentic vulnerability.
He won’t perceive value in having a serious relationship with you without this vulnerability.
Just a quick reminder when you’re scared of your husband or boyfriend leaving you:
Men have fears too.
Men Have Equally (If Not More) Intense Fears With Women
Men have their fears with women, too. Fears that are just as intense as ours, or even more.
I’m not a man, so I won’t articulate it well. My husband articulates them for the male population in our program Understanding Men.
And as more women have taken that course since we launched it, I’ve noticed more and more women respect that men also have fears.
And it puts them at ease, just as it did when I first learned these truths.
You see, with how cold and unemotional men seem sometimes, it really does look like they fear nothing.
Yet, all is not as it seems.
Signs A Woman Is Covering Up A Deep Fear Of Abandonment
What are some of the signs you have a deep fear of abandonment but are trying hard to cover it up?
There are many, and most people miss them completely, because we live in a world where people don’t admit to fears.
And we’re encouraged to use band-aid solutions to fix deep seated attachment issues, abandonment issues and insecure attachment.
By the way, would you like to discover what your own attachment style is? You can do so with our quick and easy quiz…
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
Here are some ways that women try to deal with the fear of being left:
7 Signs You Fear Your Partner Leaving You
1: Plastic surgery.
My man has suggested to me accurately that often (not always, but often), plastic surgery is an attempt by a woman to be less vulnerable.
Ie: it’s a way to seemingly decrease the RISK of being left by a man.
Because if you’re perfect enough, then you will be exposed to less fears, right?
And men will leave you less, right?
Actually, it’s the opposite. Men don’t fall in love with perfect women.
#2: Making men The Enemy.
While I can understand feeling hurt by a man, if our solution is blaming men and seeing them as the enemy, we can never open beyond the resistance to our fears.
In other words, perpetually going to blame to deal with problems is a way of avoiding vulnerability and fear of abandonment.
After all, if someone is your enemy to begin with, then can they really ever leave you?
It’s no secret that over eating is a way of avoiding fear.
Fear of abandonment, fear of closeness, fear of intimacy and fear of fear.
Food kind of feels like nurturing, so it’s easy to go to it to avoid our fears.
Not only that, but over-eating is a way to numb ourselves to past pains.
Sometimes what we need is less “escape” through food, and more feeling.
Feeling our fear of being hurt, feeling our fear of being abandoned…so that we can become more comfortable being vulnerable.
And when we’re comfortable being vulnerable, then we can become more attuned to men…and more attunement means more awareness of their character and whether they’re loyal to us or not.
#4: A sense of entitlement.
…Which usually happens when enough resentment towards men has built up over a woman’s lifetime.
So much that she is no longer willing to give anything at all, and assumes that men should take all the responsibility.)
This is why I think ideas such as the 80/20 rule of contacting men has become more widespread.
#5: Substance abuse
…smoking drinking, drugs. All the things any human being uses to deal with underlying stress or constant fight or flight response in their body.
#6: Sleeping around with men
…Because everyone else is doing it, so it must be good for you, right?
It affirms a woman’s independence and power, right?
What she really wants deep down is to trust a man, but somehow, she just hasn’t been able to.
It’s perfectly fine to access a slutty part of yourself (although I always recommend only with a man you love), as long as you also allow yourself the chance to open to a deeper love with a man.
Giving yourself away to men you don’t trust is more hurtful than a lot of women will admit.
If your soul is aching for a deeper love, the most empowering thing you can do is surrender to that.
SECRETS REVEALED… Discover how you too can use this little known “Dark Feminine Art” to weed out the toxic men whilst cultivating real emotional attraction with high value high esteemed men. (CLICK HERE to enrol in this free class before it’s gone.)
#7: Going to her children to meet all her needs
…And neglecting her husband/boyfriend.
See here’s the thing about children:
They need you and depend on you for many years.
However, that need doesn’t look the same throughout a child’s lifetime, and eventually they become more independent and have a life of their own.
Children just seem less risky a place to meet our needs (if we have children) than opening ourselves to a man, who could leave us or cheat on us (which in the female body, feels the same as being left).
Can You ‘Get Over’ The Fear Of Being Abandoned?’
Of course not.
That would be like telling a young infant not to fear being left. Impossible.
Infants are vulnerable. So are women. And we’re vulnerable for a reason: it’s supposed to invite deeper emotional commitment from men.
So the fear of abandonment is useful to you.
You can’t 100% GET OVER any fear. Fear is always there; because it helps us survive.
You can just become more desensitized to the fear by moving through it rather than resisting it.
Remember, without fear we’d be dead. Fear serves just as much of a purpose for us as does joy, elation, and emotional or sexual pleasure.
When it doesn’t serve us is when we are chained to our resistance of our fears. Then is becomes dysfunctional.
So you can’t 100% ‘get over’ or ‘get rid of’ the fear of being left by a man.
You can just practice a relaxation response repetitively enough that you lessen the frequency and intensity with which your brain and body is hijacked by that fear of abandonment.
How to Use Your Fear Of Being Left to Get MORE Commitment From Men
You and I as women most likely both experience the fear of abandonment. Only, we might express it differently.
It’s up to you to become aware of how you cover up the fear, and to exchange those pattern for a more vulnerable, authentic behavior.
My bet is this…
If you are still single, or if you are having problems in your relationship…it’s directly related to how you express this fear or react to this fear within yourself.
You see, my husband now understands that I have this fear…
But it was not an automatic understanding for him – it took years for me to help him understand that I have this fear.
And any man you date or get in to a relationship with, won’t necessarily GET that you have this fear of abandonment.
However, (and here’s the beautiful thing about men):
Men can’t help but respond to genuine vulnerability and helplessness in a woman.
Here’s an article on how to be vulnerable without being NEEDY.
So here’s what I recommend every woman do to turn her biggest fear in to her biggest asset:
Express your fear in a form of high value vulnerability.
If you can do this, then you can inspire almost any masculine man to want to take care of you.
In fact, this is the ultimate way to transform your fears into an advantage.
If you’d like to learn how to do that, CLICK HERE to LEARN the One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Masculine Man That Inspires Him to Want to Take Care of You, Worship You and Deeply Commit to You.
A Note On Neediness…
It’s important to learn the distinction between true vulnerability and neediness.
We all get needy at times, nothing wrong with that.
However, when our fears are expressed in the wrong way, the neediness becomes toxic and it causes you to show up as a perpetual value-extractor.
If you don’t want to become a value extractor, try to remember that your job is to not automatically always go to a fight or flight response with men.
Now, what does a fight or flight response look like?
It looks like blaming, interrogation over the phone such as “where are you?” “where were you?” “are you cheating on me?” “are you with HER again?” “what are you DOING?” “Why didn’t you call?”.
It could also come in the form of payback ie: passive aggressively acting from a place of ‘well if you ignore me, I ignore you.’
You could also obsessively check his facebook or email or phone or bank account.
You could also express your fight or flight response by accusing him of cheating on you or lying to you.
You could also simply take out your fear on your children or your girlfriends or family.
Instead of all this, you can try responding (rather than reacting) to your fear of being left by a man.
This has the affect of bringing him closer.
Here’s an example; Try saying with your body and your words with gratitude “
“It’s so nice to hear from you!!”,
“I’ve missed you.”
“How are you doing? Are you well?”
Remember that often, acting from your fears causes you to push away the VERY thing that you want: a deep love with a man that you trust.
Have you struggled with a fear of being alone? Or of being left by a man?
You’re welcome to share your experiences below this article, which will also help other women.
I believe that the more women talk about this among each other, the more support we have. And the more support we have, the safer we can feel when we need it. I look forward to hearing from you and reading your comment!
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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