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Article updated 2018

In our most basic un-evolved state, we as women tend to blame the man in our life for our problems. If we try not to, we do it indirectly anyway. And that’s because, as you already know, what we resist, persists.

Guilt is such a big emotion for most women, and it is wired in to us like you wouldn’t believe. So, subconsciously, we can work very hard to try to get someone to come closer to us or do something for us by blaming them to induce guilt in them, because in our world, guilt motivates US to do things differently; so we think it might do the same for other people.

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And as evolution has it, men respond to blame and feel responsible. That’s why they hate feeling blamed. They’re drawn in to feeling blamed. I believe men were designed to respond to a woman’s blaming by trying to make it up to her (if they love her), at least some of the time.

Here’s the problem with that.

No matter how much evolution wanted men who are in love with their woman to fix whatever she blamed him for…I’m not sure evolution had long term relationships in mind. Humans now live in to their 90s and beyond. That means that we must learn to confront and question behaviours that make us feel better in the short term, but destroy our relationships in the long-run – and blaming is one of those behaviours.

Human relationships used to be short-lived. We now live too long, and are presented with a challenge most of us don’t overcome: the challenge of making a relationship last not only long enough to see a child grow to be somewhat self sufficient, but the challenge of making a relationship last decade after decade. Sometimes even more than half a century.

Our INSTINCTS (such as the instinct to blame people around us even indirectly, or passively aggressively let our grump mood cause pain for our lovers) weren’t designed for a happy relationship. Instincts are designed for survival – And survival or the need to just keep our head above water is not so relevant as it was many thousands of years ago.

All I can say is this – if you WANT to not have men always walk out on you after a short time with you, then regardless of whether or not you as a woman were ‘made to blame and it’s in your nature’, if you REPEATEDLY do it, it’s going to create massive resentment that will eat away at your precious relationship, and he might even want to leave.

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Because here’s how things work:

You’ve probably been on the receiving end of this unfortunate truth before, but here it is – when we as humans are being blamed, we feel devastated. We feel scared. We feel vindictive. We feel angry, and we feel lost and unsupported and hated and abandoned. Even men at times. And he will associate these bad feelings with YOU, not with HIS own so called ‘wrong doing’ that you are blaming him for!

This is so important to remember and to feel in our bodies. When we blame, that person feels badly towards US, even if they DO feel badly towards what they did or didn’t do.

Unless the man is very, very invested in you, then he can feel a lot of guilt about what you seem to be blaming him for. And even then – he can’t feel badly towards him own so called wrong doings without also feeling gradually and increasingly repelled by you.

And here’s the hard thing – when someone is going through a hard time in their lives, they may cut out the close people because they associate the closest people with their PAIN. Which means we MUST take extra care not to cause our loved ones pain by blaming them.

Don’t Assume anything is Anyone’s Fault

It feels right for me to say to you this: don’t assume anything is anyone’s fault. If you do, often you end up looking like the idiot and feeling sick from your own poison – because that’s what blame is’-  it’s poison. It kills people – it kills their hope, their dreams and their DRIVE.

Do you want to be the person who delivers that kind of pain to people?

Maybe you do Because I know many of us have a need to get power and see others suffer.

I’m sure you’ve been on the receiving end of having people feel badly towards you just because you were involved with them at the wrong place at the wrong time? How did that feel?

Imagine how it would feel to have the police knock on your door tomorrow, saying: “You are under arrest for attempted murder.” when you’ve done nothing. That sick feeling you’d get is not something you want to spread to a man, not even if it’s less severe than being falsely imprisoned.

Ultimately, blame serves no use in most situations in today’s world. Next time a man seems angry at you, ask yourself courageously, ‘could he feel blamed for something?” – you don’t even have to have blamed him for anything, as his ex wife could have blamed him all the time and now you’re the one paying for what happened in his past.

It feels awful doesn’t it? That’s why I am suggesting you commit to having the belief in your body that no one is to blame.

Instead, when you instinctively go to blame someone; realise this: There are only feelings of anger, betrayal, fear, threat, insecurity, and failure – and all these things are probably what you REALLY feel, in your true depth, BENEATH the surface fight or flight response that makes you lash out and say something like

“But YOU were doing THIS!”

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When someone is blaming YOU

This is even more important than not blaming others.

I know some men have a pattern of blaming women for all their troubles…nice feeling isn’t it?

If someone is blaming you, always remember to tell yourself: “this is not my fault, and it’s not anybody’s fault. It just is.” It all feels like agony, but it isn’t my fault.

I know you may feel blamed anyway, but acknowledge that feeling, thank yourself for having it, because it means you care about the relationship you are in, so it is not all bad. But if you go around feeling blamed, you can’t be classy, you can’t be your potential, you just end up suffering and causing the people you love more suffering.

What to say if you’re being blamed

If someone is blaming you, try breathing. It is conductive to life.

Then, say: “I know you are hurt and angry. You don’t deserve to feel that way.” – this meets the person where they are at, and at the same time by saying they don’t deserve to feel that way, you are giving them the gift of assuming they are well intentioned. If you can do this, you’re well on your way to becoming High Value – because most people cannot handle giving someone else this kind of credit, even when they claim to love the other person.

If you’re willing to go one step further, then you can start breaking your man’s pattern by using humour or saying things that build up his Masculinity, rather than tearing it down. I give many tips and examples of how to do this in my programs.

Click here to check out the list of our programs.

Love,

Renee.

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

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A.W.
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A.W.

Dear Renee, I do love your articles. They really get into the nitty gritty about emotions and you try to give us so many different perspectives. I feel that is so important if we ever want to develop ourselves as empathetic people. I had a breakdown today. It was actually during an “emotion” workshop/class. I told them, “What is the point in opening myself? Nobody wants me anyway. They’ll just leave. Everyone here seems to want to live in their own little lies. Everyone wants to put a mask on. Nobody wants to be honest and nobody wants anyone else… Read more »

Morgan
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Morgan

I think women tend to blame because it gets rid of our pain, I think it’s another way of avoiding bad feelings. I’m sure there are other reasons too, but I know that when I’ve blamed my ex, it felt good because it was like I was taking my pain and saying, “here. YOU deserve this not me!!” And then dumping it all on him. I think of it as literally transferring my pain to him, so I think about how much I love the person when I want to blame or punish and think about what I’m really doing,… Read more »

marian
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marian

hello Renee,i have read a couple of your articles and find each one very satisfying however,i am in a 4month old relationship (though i have known him longer)and i have noticed a pattern with my boyfriend that is not so appealing.Initially i thought i could cope or that it would eventually fizzle out but this problem does not seem like its going soon.so before i broach the topic with him, i decided to seek your advice. my boyfriend has a very strong personality and can be very sweet he even talks marriage and going all the way with me but… Read more »

norah
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norah

Hi, ‘m Norah and the best way for you to become your man’s priority is by needing him more, this means that you need to be an open and receptive woman with your man and you also need to know that getting hurt is a risk but you are ok with it. This tells him that he needs to take care of you more because you are fine with needing him in a high-value way.

Rain Chan
Guest
Rain Chan

Hey Renee, thanks so much the article! It gives me insight for the problem I am facing. I am now facing the problem of being blame frequently lately but looks feeling so guilty & he tries his best of making it up everytime after he showed his blame to me .. i know he is hurt in his heart while he is too sensitive on everything….. I have never angry about his blame but he scares me keeping distant and distant from his gradually. I know keeping distant is the wrong way but it is my natural instinct response. I… Read more »

Marisa
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Marisa

Hi there Renee, first of all, your advice always give me strength and clarity. I do hope that all is well with you and your dad. I have a tendency to be neurotic, suspicious and insecure due to the things my boyfriend of almost 2 years has said and done. We have friends, a husband and wife who I was introduced to by my boyfriend. I noticed from the beginning that the 3 of them were close and that the wife actually enjoyed both men’s attention, which I suppose is normal. I have started blaming my boyfriend as I think… Read more »

Alyssa AnaMaria
Guest

I see good men at work shut down from being blamed for being themselves–men! They are blamed without any understanding for their motivations. Its a double whammy for them- hurt from blame and confusion from not being understood. Acceptance and genuine interest in the other person–by both partners– makes a solid relationship. Over the long run, long term, its all about accountability for time and money, which builds trust.

Amy
Guest
Amy

Hi Renee! Great article! Thank you for sharing your wisdom! I read it at the perfect time! I needed some clarity on something and this was very useful! I appreciate your deep insights into this! I’m so sorry to hear about your dad and I hope and pray he will be full of healing light and be ok! Much love!! <3

Pravallika
Guest
Pravallika

Hey Renee. Hope everything will be alright soon! I just clarified my doubt aboit why my last relationship and even My present relationshop is going in thay way! My present guy doesn’t think relationship is important than career. He always works for his perfect career and Life! But Im not okay with that I want him to be my boyfriend in public and name it as relationship! But he doesn’t like that boyfriend tag and public relationship! I kept on blaming him for that! One day he felt too much hurt. I dont know what to do now. I just… Read more »

Angel-Eyes
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Angel-Eyes

Renee I don’t know what’s happened with your dad as I’m no longer on Facebook or receive emails from anyone on men’s behaviour whilst I am healing myself. I read a few comments on here so I take it that certain events are taking place in your life. I’m wishing everything well for you with love and support in your time of need and hoping that things will get better for you all in the near future. With love from Holly x X x X x P.s, I saw one of the posters you created on the Facebook page, about… Read more »

Sofia
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Sofia

Hi, Renee! Thank you for your post. That was really deep. I had a fight with my ex and I sent him an email doing exactly what you are against. Blaming a man. Now, I know what I have done and reading your post make me feel extremely bad for what I have done to him. Now I dont know what to do. I cant apologize either because he will just tell me ”is ok, dont worry” but I know it is not ”ok”. I felt hurt, I wish I could say that to him instead of making him feel… Read more »

Angel-Eyes
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Angel-Eyes

Ha, ha, ha Renee :D, this is too funny 🙂 I was having an argument today with the farther of my child. I asked him the other day, what blades do I need to get for the lawn mower that his parents’ kindly donated when I moved into my house. Well the blades had come off the lawn-mower and I wasn’t sure what I needed to buy, plus the packet went in the bin some time ago. Luckily I managed to get ‘the right ones’ with a little help. Only… They were not the right ones… It got me so… Read more »

Pamela
Guest

Dear Renee, What an awesome article. I think that I have used blame my man so I would not have to look at myself and my behavior. It is much easier when I was angry or disappointed to focus on his behaviors. In fact, I wasted years complaining and telling anyone who would listen about the things he did to me. When blaming him became too painful for me, I had to look at myself. I had to draw a line in the ground between his behaviors and my behaviors. I had to refuse to look on his side of… Read more »

Angel-Eyes
Guest
Angel-Eyes

Awww, well-done Pamela 🙂 It sounds like you’ve made a huge transition within your mind. there’s a huge amount of personal freedom that comes with not taking things personally. Recently I achieved similar results within my life, so I know how happy you must feel for growing and developing as a persons. The best thing is you get to keep that gift for life and it’s almost like growing on a spiritual level when major life changing events take place. You can only go off the key messages that you have been given in life but sadly some people choose… Read more »

Mara Bukhari
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Mara Bukhari

Who is to blame if your husband of over two decades is obese and in spite of trying everything I could think of and then some-including counseling-nothing motivates him to do something about his weight? Not his sons, not even sleeping in a bed…I am sorry, I seriously don’t think this is nobody’s fault. I have never made him feel guilty…it’s always been more like-hey, sweetheart, we have a problem and we should try to solve it…what do you think can be done? I’ll help you and go along with you. I love you… he feels it like pressure, and… Read more »

Joan
Guest
Joan

I’m not sure if he overeats or lack of exercise or both, you didn’t say. But overeating is an addiction. And addiction, clearly can only be helped out by the person themselves. The pressure he feels means that he isn’t ready to do that yet. Overeating is hard to conquer because its not like they can just stop eating, like drinking addiction. Food will always be in his life. Here’s what I would do. I would first be very vulnerable to him about the widowhood. I would not hold back. Just feel how it would feel to be a widow,… Read more »

Mara Bukhari
Guest
Mara Bukhari

Dear Joan, Thank you so much for your reply! I have already done all you’ve said…for over a decade, and now I’m just plain too tired, caring for my elderly mom with dementia and I have even been to therapy on my own because he just refuses-I know, I’ve suggested it several times over the years.And as for telling him I love him…yes, been there-am there- not much result. He’s got deeper issues, only he won’t open up because he in his own useless way is trying to protect me, though I have told him clearly it doesn’t help because… Read more »

Luke
Guest

Renee, Some very mature and solid advice here. In our early years of marriage, I would do exactly what you describe a man does when being blamed. I would develop and enormous amount of guilt, which, over time, caused me to push Caroline away. At first I would try to do things for her, but this wasn’t addressing the root of the problem. Eventually I got to the point where I just wanted to escape to my man-cave or go to a friend’s house to vent. Couples go into commitment these days with so much baggage that it’s easy to… Read more »

Angel-Eyes
Guest
Angel-Eyes

Awww, this is awesome to read. I love listening/reading what men have to say as I perceive it to be invaluable insight into the male mind.

Who better say it than men themselves.

It’s good to know that their are men who value growing together as couples with their other halves.

I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with anyone who doesn’t grow and develop on a regular basis.

If people are not doing that then it’s just surviving instead of feeling alive.

Ati
Guest
Ati

Sorry , i wasnt notified that it had been sent once , i repeated , sorry

Ati
Guest
Ati

Dearest Renee
Anytime in the last nine months i felt anxious, run down , or restless about my nine-month-old relationship , i have received an email from you which lightened my path . Then i knew what my next step would be . That s amazing , ist it . I believe you have been sent from GOD to walk me through the way . I am always more than happy to read your texts . You are a miracle , like me !! 🙂 😉

Ati
Guest
Ati

Dearest Renee
Anytime in the last nine months of my life ,i started feeling a bit run down, restless, and anxious about what i see from my nine-month-old relationship, you are there as surely sent from GOD , . Happy to be receiving your emails. You are more than just a big HELP. You have walked me through the way so far, accidentally providing the very answer of my confusion i look for , that s miraculous , isnt it ?
Thanks again

M->
Guest
M->

Hi Renee, First I’d like to say I’m sorry that your dad’s not well, I really hope he’s gonna be with you for many years to come though sadly there’s no guarantee :(, and regardless of the outcome I wish you all the strength to get through this tough situation. I’m sure your husband and little boy are a great support to you and I wish them the strength to keep giving you the support you need. I know how hard it must be for your husband to see you struggle. Nearly a year ago my MIL died after terrible… Read more »

Angela
Guest
Angela

Hi M, The short answer is, only do things when you feel good about doing them. Don’t do something when you’re in a place of resentment, or knowing that you’re going to resent it later. He’s doing what he feels like when he feels like it, and as a result, he is a powerful teacher for you. You want to cook dinner? Great. Just don’t do it with the expectation that he’ll reciprocate. Do it because you want to. And if you happen not to feel like it, just let him know! There are plenty of other options- he might… Read more »

Isabelle
Guest
Isabelle

Sometimes blaming behavior is tricky to identify as it can show itself up in very subtle forms especially when one is aware and respectful and does not use blaming vocabulary or ways of saying things. However, the result when I do this is the same, the man i love feels awful and looses his power and drive. For a while i could not understand why that was as my words were not blaming, yet the effects were the same. Now I understand that it is the energy and feelings behind the words I use that conveys the blame. When I… Read more »

Valerie
Guest
Valerie

First, I want to say that I absolutely love your articles! I spend the majority of my time in my masculine energy and I am rediscovering my feminine energy and how to be a feminine woman through your articles. I discovered your blog shortly after I met my boyfriend and I truly believe that your articles are helping me be a better quality woman for him. I feel like this article came at a perfect time for me too. The other day I had only been at my boyfriend’s house for about an hour when one of his friends showed… Read more »

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