In our most basic un-evolved state, we as women tend to blame the man in our life for our problems.
If we try hard not to when in this basic state, we do it indirectly anyway. And that’s because, as you already know, what we resist, persists.
Guilt is such a big emotion for most women, and it is wired in to us like you wouldn’t believe.
As such, we sometimes work very hard to try to get someone to come closer to us or do something for us by blaming them to induce feelings of guilt.
Because in our world, guilt motivates US to do things differently; so we think it might do the same for other people.
And as evolution has it, men respond to blame and feel responsible. That’s why they hate feeling blamed. They’re drawn in to feeling blamed.
I believe men were designed to respond to a woman’s blaming by trying to make it up to her (if they love her), at least some of the time.
Here’s the problem with that:
No matter how much evolution wanted men who are in love with their woman to fix whatever she blamed him for…evolution had long term relationships in mind.
Blame Destroy Long Term Relationships
Humans now live in to their 90s and beyond. That means that we must learn to confront and question behaviours that make us feel better in the short term, but destroy our relationships in the long-run.
Blaming is one of those behaviours.
Human relationships used to be short-lived. We now live too long, and are presented with a challenge most of us don’t overcome: the challenge of making a relationship last long term!
These days, a good relationship or marriage has to last not only long enough to see a child grow to be somewhat self sufficient, but the challenge of making a relationship last decade after decade. Sometimes even more than half a century.
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Instincts are designed for survival – And survival or the need to just keep our head above water is not so relevant as it was many thousands of years ago.
All I can say is this – if you WANT to not have men always walk out on you after a short time with you, then regardless of whether or not you as a woman were ‘made to blame and it’s in your nature’, you need to overcome the impulse to blame.
Because if you repeatedly do it, it’s going to create massive resentment that will eat away at your precious relationship, and he might even want to leave you for another woman.
Because here’s how things work…
Blaming Men Is Abandoning Them
You’ve probably been on the receiving end of this unfortunate truth before, but here it is – when we as humans are being blamed, we feel devastated.
We feel scared. We feel vindictive. We feel angry, and we feel lost and unsupported and hated and abandoned.
Even men at times! And he will associate these bad feelings with you, not with his own so called ‘wrong doing’ that you are blaming him for!
This is so important to remember and to feel in our bodies. When we blame, that person feels badly towards US.
Unless the man is very invested in you, then he can feel a lot of guilt about what you seem to be blaming him for.
And even then – he can’t feel badly towards him own so called wrong doings without also feeling gradually and increasingly repelled by you.
Here’s the hard thing:
When someone is going through a hard time in their lives, they may push the people close to them away because they associate the closest people with their PAIN.
Which means we MUST take extra care not to cause our loved ones pain by blaming them.
Don’t Assume anything is Anyone’s Fault
Would you like to know one thing that will make all of your relationships better?
Don’t assume anything is anyone’s fault.
If you do, often you end up looking like the idiot and feeling sick from your own poison because that’s what blame is – it’s poison.
It kills people – it kills their hopes, their dreams and their DRIVE.
Do you want to be the person who delivers that kind of pain to people?
Maybe you do because I know many of us have a need to get power and see others suffer.
I’m sure you’ve been on the receiving end of having people feel badly towards you just because you were involved with them at the wrong place at the wrong time? How did that feel?
Imagine how it would feel to have the police knock on your door tomorrow, saying: “You are under arrest for attempted murder.” when you’ve done nothing. That sick feeling you’d get is not something you want to spread to a man, not even if it’s less severe than being falsely imprisoned.
Ultimately, blame serves no use in most situations in today’s world. Next time a man seems angry at you, ask yourself courageously:
‘Could he feel blamed for something?” – you don’t even have to have blamed him for anything, as his ex wife could have blamed him all the time and now you’re the one paying for what happened in his past.
It feels awful doesn’t it? That’s why I am suggesting you commit to having the belief in your body that no one is to blame.
Instead, when you instinctively go to blame someone, realise this: there is no blame.
There are only feelings of anger, betrayal, fear, threat, insecurity, and failure.
All these things are probably what you REALLY feel, in your true depth, BENEATH the surface fight or flight response that makes you lash out and say something like
“But YOU were doing THIS!”
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When someone is blaming YOU: What To Do
This is even more important than not blaming others: be your own best friend.
I know some men have a pattern of blaming women for all their troubles…nice feeling isn’t it?
If someone is blaming you, always remember to tell yourself:
“This is not my fault, and it’s not anybody’s fault. It just is.”
“It all feels like agony, but it isn’t my fault.”
I know you may feel blamed anyway, so acknowledge that feeling and thank yourself for having it, because it means you care about the relationship you are in, so it is not all bad.
But if you go around feeling blamed, you can’t be classy, you can’t be your potential, you just end up suffering and causing the people you love more suffering.
What to say if you’re being blamed
If someone is blaming you, try breathing. It is conductive to life.
“I know you are hurt and angry. You don’t deserve to feel that way.”
This meets the person where they are at, and at the same time by saying they don’t deserve to feel that way, you are giving them the gift of assuming they are well intentioned.
If you can do this, you’re well on your way to becoming high value – because most people cannot handle giving someone else this kind of credit, even when they claim to love the other person.
If you’re willing to go one step further, then you can start breaking your man’s pattern by using humour or saying things that build up his masculinity, rather than tearing it down.
I give many tips and examples of how to do this in my programs.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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