Article updated 2018
Traditionally, a classy woman means to be stylish, superior and elegant, respectable and lovely. However, I find the traditional definition and ideas on what it means to be classy can be confusing. So I am here to hopefully explain once and for all, what it means to be classy.
Let’s re-define classy in a better way: a genuine, high value woman who holds herself and thinks of herself highly regardless of life circumstances, and despite what other people may think of her.
In slight contradiction to that, however – A classy woman does not judge herself regardless of what mistakes she might make. It’s a slippery slope – once you start making mistakes, you might judge yourself, and if you’re unlucky, others might judge you, and your confidence starts to diminish – sending you into deeper low self-esteem or bad self image.
So it’s kind of like, once you start off being a mistake maker, or once you start off being (or feeling) low status, you feel worse and worse, and because you feel worse and worse, and you show up less classy.
So the truth is – there are two aspects of being classy – there is the internal aspect and the external aspect. The external aspect has everything to do with how you show up, how you hold yourself and your habitual facial expressions, and it’s also about how you dress.
The internal aspect is the harder one to master because it takes bravery and trust in the process. Regarding the internal aspect of being classy – it’s all mental and emotional. So, to be classy from the inside-out is about your freedom to not judge yourself; it is about you opening in love and loving where you are at – and loving where others are at, regardless of how judge-worthy they might be (or you might be).
You can’t dress high status and ignore the internal aspect – you will ‘look’ classy and high status, but as soon as people speak to you all hope is on the way out.
A classy woman also knows that aiming for perfection is pointless because there is so much perfection in imperfection. Moreover, because of these attributes, a classy woman can handle all social situations and conversation with confidence.
(Click here to take the quiz “How High Value Am I on Facebook?”)
That being said, here are the 7 Keys to becoming a classy woman.
1) Hold yourself as a high value, classy woman.
It doesn’t matter what happens…face the world with eyes wide open and shoulders pulled back. Hold yourself like you matter; because you do. You matter because you have something to give to the right person or people. You were born for a reason. Even if you don’t feel very confident inside, even if you feel shaky inside, just keep on breathing! Breathe and breathe some more, and know that nothing is bigger than you even if it feels bigger than you.
You cannot be high class if you don’t THINK you are high class. You have to start by believing you are top stuff. (If you’re wondering how to do that, please see the next dot-point). It’s your job to market what you have, and to market yourself, you have to believe you are ‘It’.
Marketing yourself doesn’t mean to yell and shout about yourself (far from it). Marketing yourself – is all about holding yourself highly, and acting as such. (read my article about the contrast of light and dark feminine)
Walk like you are a part of this world; and walk like you belong here. You are grounded in earth…imagine yourself standing in the grass, and imagine your legs are the heavy roots of a big, beautiful tree…you are rooted to this earth, you belong, and you matter.
Once you believe you matter, you start to believe that you have value, and when you have value, you start to give out value to others. This, of course, is very much about the internal aspect of being a classy woman. But it’s the harder aspect to master, which is why we want to learn about it.
A high quality, classy woman is a woman of value and a woman of value is one who values the happiness of others, and who is considerate. People will rarely perceive real value in you unless you add value to their lives. Think of what a typical low value and low quality woman looks and acts like. Usually, this kind of woman feels so insignificant in this world, that she becomes obsessively significance-driven and she is habitually unable to listen, to care for or to help others. She may even frustrate you with anger because you simply can’t get a word in and let’s face it, it’s HARD being around someone who doesn’t care about you at all.
Here is what a high quality woman is NOT: She is not someone who is constantly sucking value from others.
2) Develop rituals that support a high self-worth.
A classy woman is a woman with a high sense of self-worth and who also projects herself that way. And high self-worth only comes from knowing you are worthy.
However – you can only truly know, and feel, with certainty that you are worthy when you face enough and give enough (to yourself and others) that you have little choice but to give yourself utmost respect. (read my article about do beautiful woman intimidate men)
I’m talking about emotional resources here. Some people like to call it emotional fitness: a woman who can hold her own yet give her heart in the face of grave fears. Emotional resourcefulness is your ability (or your desire) to breathe through and handle anything that faces you with love and vulnerability. With love and vulnerability will come strength.
So, develop rituals: whether that be a daily practice of gratitude, A daily resolve to push a little further on your spiritual path with your spouse or your children, a daily practice of viewing life as a playground rather than a battleground and looking for the evidence to support that belief, a daily ritual of giving love rather than judgments – it’s up to you.
These rituals are a way to make you actually feel great about yourself. Not just empty self-talk. You must think Gold thoughts to become Gold.
Example: you can use this as a measure of your sense of self-worth and confidence: If you were dropped in the middle of a daunting social situation, say, the red carpet tomorrow in among the most respected, poised and famous leaders, philanthropists, businessmen and women – would you be comfortable, and looking forward to the event? Would you believe that you too have something of value to bring to the occasion?
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3) A high class woman rarely blames people (although she can tell the truth about someone’s character).
There are, of course, situations in which a woman will feel and seem crazy, needs to raise her voice and get angry and that is fine. You don’t want to be one-dimensional.
However, the point here is that blaming others comes from our resistance to painful emotion that well up inside of us. We want to avoid pain, or we are scared of taking responsibility. So our instinct is to blame….because retaliation feels better than crying in a moment where we feel like we failed…or like we weren’t enough.
It is much better for you to admit that you feel like you failed than it is to blame others…why? Because admitting that you have the feeling of failure is vulnerability – it is you reducing the resistance you have to life and to emotions altogether. It is soft and it is real. Blaming others (or even yourself), is a lazy and fearful way to face life – it is never high value, and it’s never classy.
For more on how to be High Value, see my article on 19 Ways of a High Value, Feminine Girlfriend.
There is a difference between telling the truth about someone’s character and blaming someone. What is the difference? The difference is that when we blame someone, we are acting out of fear and our intention is to retaliate. This is all fear.
Telling the truth about someone’s character can be done with love or even with objectivity, and once it is done it is done. Blaming and criticising is sometimes done to avoid revealing our own selves…to push someone away, or to ‘cope’ with pain and uncertainty.
I am not saying that we should all be perfect and never find a reason to blame someone because we all have moments where we just have to criticise, and we all have moments where we have stooped low. But this is where having rituals that support a high self esteem will help: when you have real esteem for yourself; when you consistently make yourself do difficult things, when you consistently make time to appreciate and be grateful and when you make time to truly connect with yourself and others, you start to get closer to the truth of humanity: that we are all one. We are all different, yet we are also all one. No amount of blaming will change that.
If you notice yourself wanting to blame, criticise or be hateful…that’s a good reminder to feel. Sit down, speak out loud about what hurts you, what is making you sad, and what is making you angry. Go deep – say to yourself or to someone that you trust how you really feel. Don’t pretend. If you are scared that you’re not enough – that’s okay – just say it – admit it to yourself. and allow yourself to feel like you are not enough right now, or that you feel uncared for and unloved.
It’s not the feeling – it is our resistance to the feeling that is inevitably damaging.
4) Great Posture.
Probably one of the most important attributes a classy woman must have is great posture. I’ve done a video and post on posture (with the help of my Hero, my Man, David). You can see it here: 3 Steps to Good Posture Instantly. The reason posture is so important is because it affects how others perceive you a lot more than you could imagine. If a woman holds herself highly, she usually has great posture and people are drawn to this subconsciously. It’s one of the quickest, fastest and best ways to market yourself and to feel better about yourself. As humans, we are all drawn to people or things that seem to be of high value, and to humans who project themselves as high value.
We want the best because it means a better experience, a better quality of life, more safety (at a primal level, mostly in our subconscious).
If a woman walks around with her shoulders slumped, people subconsciously pick up on this energy! Even if they don’t consciously know your posture is bad. Go check out the video now. Go! Here it is again: How to get good posture.
5) Authenticity, authenticity, AUTHENTICITY.
Contrary to popular belief, being classy and elegant isn’t about “self-control” or holding things in. It’s not about being a stoic.
Always be authentic. You could have just lost a dear family member, your dog could have gotten run over, you could have had a big issue with your best friend, you could be down about losing your job, or just life’s problems, and that is all fine – as long as you are authentic.
You can be grieving or experiencing emotional suffering, and still be classy. All you have to do is acknowledge the pain, perhaps share your feelings with friends, family and your lover, but still hold yourself with grace and poise.
To actually be authentic, you must value being authentic more than you value having a nice ‘image’ or another kind of ‘identity’. This identity problem consumes a lot of people. For example, a lot of women are actually feeling hurt at a given time but pretend to be the happy mother, friend or wife, because they don’t want to have the identity of being silly or overly sensitive (in this masculine world, we tend to look down on a woman’s natural and biological gift of wide-ranging emotions – and our ability to feel these emotions).
Drop the need for a nice image. It’s exhausting. More than ever now, people are starting to want what is real. Secretly, deep down (behind the masks that many of us put up) I think we all prefer to be around what is real. In the old days, it was a lot about ‘show’ and keeping ‘face’. Now, things are becoming more transparent. Also, we are sick of living in a fast-paced environment where people are always climbing the corporate ladder, valuing ‘things’ or money.
6) Care beyond what is comfortable.
Caring takes extra energy; people who care are generally very passionate people. Not impulsive, but passionate. Sometimes people confuse impulse for passion – it is just impulsive, not passionate.
Care about life, about the way your words touch someone.
Care about the way you welcome people into your home – care about how warm and welcome they feel in your home.
Care about you hug your lover, your family.
Care about being better.
Care about engaging more with life.
Care about loving deeper.
Care about being kind (to the people who deserve your kindness). And be kind because there’s no other way to live.
This requires a kind of care for what you are doing, for who you are, and a general care for the world, and other people. It’s rare. But I feel that you will be a richer woman for it. Very few people care beyond what is comfortable
7) Dress modestly where it fits.
Don’t turn up to a classy function with too many body parts popping out of your clothes. Sure, I understand that you may not have dressed for attention – sometimes you dress in the clothes you dress in because they were the most convenient items of clothing at the time. However, leaving some bum cheeks for all to see or leaving some nipple for all to see is something only for the bedroom. I know that some women have larger breasts – yet regardless of breast size, small or large – a woman can choose to put them on a show or not. (read my article about dressing feminine in the workplace)
At certain times, or on certain occasions (social or private), it’s fine to show leg or cleavage. However, you must take a few breaths and allow yourself to be calibrated to the situation at hand. You might feel like wearing something sexy – but as well as feeling what you feel like wearing – you have a responsibility to feel for what is appropriate for the event you are attending.
Even if you feel like dressing revealingly, consider how that might come across to other people – and consider if you might be doing it to take value from the situation. Sometimes, when we desperately want attention (which is normal at some stage in life), we can begin to take a lot of value from people and social situations – all the while convincing ourselves that ‘this is just who I am’.
And yet – who you are ripples out to others. Who you are adds value or it takes value. So what I try to remember is that being calibrated is more important than taking what you want from a situation. Being out-of-whack brings with it consequences that you might not want to experience.
It is also important to know…If a woman has a nice figure – people can actually tell, even if you’re wearing a turtleneck and tracksuit pants! Even if you’re wearing a paper bag! It’s just that it may not be as “eye-catching” because the vie for attention isn’t obvious.
Make sure there are some nicely tailored dresses and pants in your wardrobe that are form-fitting, well-made and good quality. Even if you can only afford one or two pieces. It’s worth it.
Bonus: Let Love flow through you.
A bonus key to becoming a classy woman: let love flow through you. Let love flow through your hands, your words, your body, and your actions.
The way we hold ourselves can encourage stress, fear or relaxation and love in others. Sure, you cannot help being stressed out at times. But to be classy, it also helps to remember that our energy is felt by others, and it affects others. So, it’s nice to take responsibility for the energy that we put out into the world. When we put out love, we tend to get love back. When we put out stress or hate, we get much worse back.
I understand that sometimes, we get angry. Sometimes, we get very stressed. But I feel as though classy women not only have the ability to access their vulnerability – but when they are engaged with people that they love and respect – they also have a gentle flow of love that seeps through their actions and their words.
She might be strong, but she’s also grounded in love.
She might be confident, but her confidence shines as love. Love for herself, love for her family, and love for all of life – even the painful moments. She loves where she is at – even if she hates feeling right now. Feeling is hard, but the more we feel, the more we become ‘love’. And the more we become love, the more classy we feel like to everyone around us.
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NOTE: This article has been updated as of June 2017. Below is a list of women whose style and mannerisms you could choose to model. The best way to start dressing classy is to choose someone you identify with and see what she wears. Carefully observe the posture on these women!
Do you admire anyone in particular for her class? Is there a particularly classy person you would like to mention? tell us about her in the comments! We’d love to know, and we’d love to learn more from you!
Here are some possible examples of women with class:
What do you think makes a woman classy? Please add your thoughts and advice in the comments section for what makes a classy woman so that we can learn from you. Peace and Love -XxX-
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