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Article updated 2018
As a graduate student with a double degree in Law and Arts, I perfectly understand the desire to keep a well-earned career. It’s a woman’s birthright.
But what if you and I just asked each other why?
Why do we do the hard work and choose the high powered, kick-ass careers in the first place?
Well, the answer, based on our survival instinct – is to just make some damn money to survive.
But money. We need money to make a life for ourselves. Money is a good tool to have.
But what about when we’ve made enough money? What is it about then?
What if we have a well established career, and enough money in the bank? Why do we continue the job then?
It could be because it’s the ‘thing to do’ – and we wouldn’t know what to do with our life if it wasn’t our career.
It could be because of a need to gather more resources (money), because of a sense of duty to the team, a sense of guilt, maybe because we fear what life might be like if we worked a little less, because we’ve got children to provide for, etc. There’s lots of reasons to continue a high powered career even when we’ve got enough money to last a while.
There’s nothing wrong with having a high powered position – it’s empowering for women.
The only problem comes when we work so hard so frequently and become so good at being able to take care of everything in our life that men either don’t sense room for them. Our energy is so closed from being stressed all the time that we can’t open emotionally.
Sometimes we are such experts at what we do that we also just put out an energy of ‘I only trust myself’ and ‘I’ve got my own way’ – expecting it not to have a cost in our dating opportunities.
Well, as awesome as it is to have our own way, it has a cost.
Not just in the sense of costing us a relationship because it may not cost us the status of a “relationship” at all.
It may just cost us the kind of men that we deeply want.
“Where are all the good men these days?”
We wonder “where are all the good men these days?”
And the answer is – they’re everywhere.
But the very fact that we’re even asking where they are can mean that our high powered position sometimes causes a kind of closure in our bodies that stops committed, admirable, capable men from finding us relationship material.
I didn’t say men wouldn’t be interested in sex or find you sexy – they still will, but I did say that the closure our high powered careers can cause in our body can lead us to come across as the ‘one of many’ kind of woman over the ‘one and only’ kind of woman. This is why I made my FREE DVD “Becoming His One & Only”. You can get your copy for FREE here: www.bhoodvd.com.
As a dominant, high value man – you want a woman who has the willingness to surrender to you – you don’t want a woman who puts out her own directedness preferentially over your own – because it leaves no vulnerability and no room for her to trust him.
This trust allows for him to be inspired to commit. It adds so much more value to him romantically and for him to want to commit to you – than you having some walls up because you only trust yourself.
No this isn’t about letting a man dominate you – and yet, it is, in some ways. And what is so wrong with that – unless he has bad intentions for you?
If women won’t admit to wanting to be taken by a dominant man – they’ll just go and read 50 shades of grey to experience their body’s true desire. Right?
So what does this mean?
It means that there’s a huge cost in our love life if we allow ourselves to put out blocked off and closed off energy because good, sexy, dominant men don’t feel compelled to enter a relationship with a woman who doesn’t feel willing to let herself melt into her emotions and sometimes, into his masculine dominance and direction.
This is also what attraction is – this can be the beginnings of how we fall in love. We don’t realise it, but a lot of women fall in love with the men who put out the signs that they are capable, intelligent and resourceful.
If we put that energy out in the dating world – what do you think will happen??
That’s a serious question. I think it’s important for everyone to think about.
When we ‘become’ our high powered, dominant position – we spend less time in our relaxed, natural sexual energy that is just waiting for a man to come and take us somewhere that we’ve never been before.
Then there’s the issue of choosing our career to meet our human needs over choosing a relationship to meet our needs. (investing in our career over relationship)
The career makes us feel worthy, and it is easier going to a career to feel worthy than it is going to a man or relationship.
Ie: we go to our career to cement our illusion of ‘safety’ and ‘importance’ in this world. And hey, fair enough – it feels more risky and scary to meet those needs in a relationship than it does in our career. Because we truly have to invest ourselves emotionally, and take a risk, emotionally.
By the way, if you want to understand the truth about how to show up so men everywhere will fall madly in love with you, here’s a beautiful article on that by my husband David, The Two Traits of Women that Men Routinely Fall in Love With.
When our career meets our needs too well…
Essentially, if our career meets our needs so heavily – and we’re not willing to invest our needs in, or invest vulnerably in a relationship with a man – we aren’t relationship material (from the man’s perspective), even if we do want a relationship, because there just isn’t a calling for a high value man.
There’s no room for him; therefore he doesn’t perceive value in entering a relationship and staying committed.
High powered career can equal trusting your own path in life more than a man’s
Let’s say you’re a CEO of a big company (well done girl!). You’re 36 years old – you’ve got things down pat – you work 11 hours a day. You call the shots – people trust you people listen to you – people come to you for advice.
What is happening here?
Well, you’re so good at what you do, and you do it so regularly, that it has become your identity.
So instead of equally identifying yourself with showing up as a freely vulnerable, open, feminine woman; you’re potentially allowing the pointed “get things done, got things handled” energy in yourself to become so well-practised that a man would see that immediately through your body – because your body trains for CEO position every single day.
Nothing wrong with that.
But what if you want a high value, dominant man?!
What if you’re looking for a manly man?
You don’t want a second-rate man, you want a dominant one?
You don’t have to give up your career to have a dominant man
Well, all this does not require that you give up your career.
But what it does require is two things:
- The awareness that your career is what your body does every day, and how you appear to men is likely to be a woman with a strong ‘direction’ in your life. That means that the surrendered feminine energy and loving affection a lot of dominant men are looking for is just not showing up there in your body.
- That if you don’t want to give up your career, you need to be willing to at least try to give up your direction and open your body’s energy to be expressed – valuing his direction and masculine strength for the sake of your relationship – even if he is not as intelligent as you are – and even if his direction in life is not as strong as yours – all this for the sake of having a beautiful relationship develop for you over time. For the sake of love. For the sake of having masculine/feminine polarity.
And then there’s the thought that we need to know when to trust ourselves and when to open to trusting a man.
This isn’t to encourage fear – it’s to encourage active thought about where to invest yourself. And to not do something just because you’ve always done it.
Example: “Do I invest 80% in myself and my own strength and dominance? Because I know mine is better than his? Or do I give up my dominance; my need for control in the relationship, and be willing to surrender to my feminine softness, to allow his intelligence and direction to grow in accuracy?”
This is the challenge for intelligent and driven women. A lot of men may not be as intelligent as you are – and you may have to willingly open yourself to his lesser intelligence in certain areas in order for him to come better.
No one is saying you should hide your intelligence – not at all. This is just to say that the ego in insisting that you make him feel inferior or make it known that you are more intelligent or more ‘right’ means a big potential cost in his investment in you and the relationship. Because you’re not open to his investment – at least it doesn’t look that way to him.
Why should I invest in a man?
A good man might try to solve your problems.
A very good man might try to open you beyond your walls.
A stellar man might, out of love and care for you, and for the polarity in your relationship; walk straight through your ego and stand up and say ‘stop it. Here’s my d***’. And proceed to whack it out. It takes a confident man to do that though – as you have to have the courage to see through the things women say, and to acknowledge that women often just want to feel your strength of direction and your masculine energy.
Sometimes (but not all the time); to get the stellar man/the high value man, we have to be patient and love the men they are before that. A stellar man was a little boy once, too. And we’re all a bit stupid before we’re smart.
If you have a man who is giving you early signs that he wants to make a relationship happen with you, and he wants you to trust his goals and his path, and you still hide and refuse to open to his direction and advice – instead choosing your own because you’re so used to doing everything ‘better’ than anyone else can do for you – that’s where we need to consider where to draw a line.
Surrender to the unpredictability of trusting him, or not?
(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)
Be brave, or not?
The problem is not the career – it’s the way it keeps us practicing taking care of ourselves and only ourselves, because we take charge too well every day at work.
This is a good skill to have. But it’s even better to access the flexibility to surrender to a man’s direction – and for that to happen, we need to show through our body that we are soft and able to be entered; that there’s room in our life.
“I want a man who understands my commitment to my work…”
The problem is that a lot of women run their personal life well – they have a high powered career, they teach yoga as well, they maybe even have their own business, and their requirement for a relationship is:
“I want someone who understands my commitment to my work.”
Which means: “I’m used to doing my own thing and I don’t feel safe enough to give it up for a man.”
That is essentially saying: I value what is safe, I value my own significance.
It can also be saying… “I value what I’ve accumulated in my life more than I value a relationship.”
Certainly, no woman who says “I want someone who understands my commitment to my work.” means to say that she values her career more than a relationship, but really, she kind of does. Especially when men seem so unreliable; untrustworthy.
But isn’t it only fair to ourselves, that if we invest in a career, that we are also willing to invest in a man?
“I choose us…”
Téa Leoni in the movie ‘The Family Man’, rushed to her boyfriend (Nicolas Cage) at the airport in an attempt to stop him when he left for his career, saying: “I choose us.”
All this really is a sense of…
“I choose us.” VS “I choose me.”
Choosing ourselves (our own direction) out of fear encourages selfishness and separateness. To not be vulnerable is fearful and often selfish.
Now, I don’t use the word selfish as if it’s a bad thing. It is not. It is just what it is. We are all selfish in one way or another – it’s just that in the case of an intimate relationship, to hold back yourself and to not offer yourself – that will kill any relationship potential quickly.
It really is as simple as understanding that choosing to have the illusion of safety and control in our lives – by valuing our own path the most, or valuing our own closed off approach when he wants to enter you and feel you totally bare emotionally as a woman – will cost you the dominant, high value men.
Dominant men know they can find the most feminine, radiant, soft, ‘willing to trust’ women – so why would they settle for a woman who shows any less trust, radiance and femininity?
By the way, feeling you totally emotionally bare is him wanting to see you. In other words, that’s actually you, being you. Emotionally vulnerable is you, surrendering to you. That’s all this really is – it’s melting into you – rather than living from this place of taking control.
It’s you, letting your man drive; letting him own your very soul.
It’s hard. Many of us prefer to try to go for approval over doing this.
If we don’t want second rate men, men who are too soft and gentle, and as women often call “boring”, then for them to be attracted to us we need the willingness to surrender to our body’s softness and be ready to be open, right now.
We can keep the awesome career – always.
We just can’t keep our habit of only thinking of ourselves and wonder where all the good men are. And thinking of ourselves only includes choosing the separateness that often gets labelled “self sufficiency” ie: trusting our own direction – because that robs a high value man of the very thing they want with a woman – and it robs you of a commitment.
What is the very thing a high value man wants?
Your willingness to trust.
That is an unselfish thing to do – because it’s vulnerable. And because it requires feeling beyond ourselves.
Low value men have no interest in knowing you for you. They are only interested in getting something out of you, and then moving on. Some men like to accumulate women in their life – and they get bored of women quickly – I’m not suggesting that these men are safe for you to trust, because I don’t think they are.
I am saying this so we may all hope to understand more of what high value men who want to be present for us actually want.
What if you trust yourself more than him? What if you are better than him?
I understand, a lot of men today don’t have a core strength and sense that they’re going somewhere meaningful. They can seem soft and boring.
They can also seem unsuccessful, and not driven.
Translation: women want resources – and soft men don’t give the impression that they have resources.
And yet, if we don’t choose to trust a man – if we don’t choose today – to go out there and give the man we’ve chosen a chance to ‘enter’ our soul – to enter us – and see who we really are – our emotions and fears and vulnerability and all – there’s no passion or relationship, really.
Because there’s no meaning – a man might as well settle for casual sex with the women who are willing. Why invest when there’s no gold to invest in? Why take the risk of being in a committed relationship – and it is a risk for men; biologically it is very risky.
That’s one reason why women and men cheat on each other – because men aren’t getting the woman’s surrendered trust and the woman isn’t getting her man showing himself as high value, as dominant and ‘take no BS’ kind of guy.
These two things should ideally work together.
We MUST choose what to value in this life
We must choose what to value in this lifetime. If we choose selfishness (separateness over deep connection), we will get poor quality of relationships. Regardless of how much money or opportunity we have.
(I am not suggesting you should disregard yourself. Never! You need to feel your own emotions fully and with presence. Else you can’t feel anybody else’s – you become insensitive.)
If we choose to be sensitive to ourselves as well as a man – it opens up a world of love and passion and infinity.
Instead of saying: “You go do your thing and I’ll go do mine.” we say: “I feel in to where you want to take us, and I’ll ride with you.”
We must have high standards for ourselves – we can’t choose to stay inside our little crab shell and say ‘nah, you must be better than that in order for me to trust you!’
Instead, we must choose to say ‘I’m scared to trust you more than I trust myself, but let’s give this a go. Here’s my hand – take it. Oh by the way, did I mention that I’m scared?”
It’s okay to admit that you’re scared. In fact, it got one of my clients married in 7 days. They were engaged and the man was dragging his feet for a long time, not having the gumption to just up and marry her.
Again, choosing our career to meet our needs over being with a man or choosing our own direction is a recipe for poor rewards in our relationships with men.
It’s a sacrifice that has to be made.
For example, I have my two children with me 24/7. And I love it! Only, there’s limited productivity. I have their nap time to work. Aside from that, I have to try my best to get 5 minutes of uninterrupted work sometimes. But if my 3 year old wants to sit next to me and say ‘mummy!’ every 10 seconds so I can see him shoot a zombie, and every 10 seconds is not unusual, then do I ask him to stop? Or do I choose to value my work time instead?
If I ask him to stop – that would be reasonable. But – that sacrifices my relationship with him, even though it’s good for my productivity. But I choose him. I choose him, and I lose productivity. That’s a choice. A conscious one.
I don’t have to choose him every time. After all, I have to get some work done!
So – the idea is that I’m well aware of the costs to my choices – and I better be. I’d rather not be at the end of my life, realising I just went along with my habits, and didn’t choose consciously.
The powerful thing is that I’m not just a slave to my patterns; because I know that I have a choice and I can perceive the costs of choosing work over watching him shoot an imaginary zombie. And vice versa.
Now, a mother-son relationship is different to a woman/man relationship, but not much different. The idea is still the same. You do whatever it takes to value the relationship; no matter the sacrifice.
Too many people value convenience over relationships these days. It is dangerous for our future – it leaves us lonely.
Valuing convenience and separateness
Of course – men have to prove themselves too – and you shouldn’t give up what you’ve worked so hard gaining for the wrong man.
This isn’t even about limiting our being selfish per se, it is about our drive to be separate from others – valuing only what’s important in our own world, rather than being other-sensitive.
Doing separateness is almost always going to feel safer than doing ‘us’.
But being vulnerable would be going beyond self – and going into the realm of relationship.
How can we have a relationship when we are selfish, valuing closure and safety?
Even us who have the ‘in a relationship’ status aren’t in a real relationship if they practice mostly selfishness.
So this isn’t me saying “you’re selfish when you choose a career”, it is me saying – do you choose your ‘self’ only, or are you vulnerable and open enough that you will actually let yourself feel what HE – a man needs – from you, in order to give you the beautiful committed relationship you’ve always wanted – with a man who is dominant (manly) to top it off?
The great men are repelled by the women who say (in a closed off way) insist that “I’ve got my own way in this life.” Not because they are threatened, as the feminist would have you believe – and not always because they don’t want the best for you – but because they need to feel your trust.
But how do you know when to put more eggs in the relationship basket than the career basket?
Well, the answer is to be willing to let yourself open to a man – and not blame him for not being strong enough or evolved enough.
You have to ‘go first’ and offer a little trust.
It is like treating a new friend to lunch instead of insisting on splitting the bill or hoping ‘they’ will pay – because you’ll learn a lot more about that new friend if you were to open and let them show you if they value you enough to treat you to a meal next time, or even reciprocate you in other ways, if they have no money.
You can only learn more through offering your own trust (vulnerability) – you can’t learn more by blaming, remaining closed.
Offer trust first.
You value him; so even if his goals in life and manly strength isn’t “up to par”, you choose to value ‘us’ – you choose the relationship. You let him develop and give him an opening to become the man you need, by showing him that you’re willing to be open to him.
A lot of women value the convenience of their own direction, because it’s safe; because it’s what they’ve always done. And, I understand.
Plus, it’s easy to criticize men for not being dominant when we’re so good at dominance and direction and decision making ourselves.
High price to pay though.
We pay for convenience with lifelong emptiness.
It’s quite possible, that when we open ourselves to showing that we’re willing to trust a man – that with the fuel of our feminine energy/openness – he might very quickly become more dominant, and more trustworthy than you ever imagined a man would be for you.
And if he doesn’t, you might try again.
If he’s still closed off – you are free to move on.
So…what do you value?
Remember how we got on to the career path…
A lot of us would rather invest in our career than in a relationship.
By invest, I mean, be vulnerable to a man – truly put our eggs in one man’s basket.
And how many women are in a high powered career 9-5 because love calls them to be? How many of us do that because it’s our heart’s calling?
Some of us, yes. Not all of us.
More than likely, some people told us when we were young that it was the right thing to do – and to not ‘depend on a man’.
Well, you don’t have to depend on a man. All this is about is a bit of openness and trust.
I feel that other people telling us to rely on ourselves has been an assault on a woman’s intuitive messages.
It assaults her relationship with herself; and therefore it threatens her ability to have a relationship with a high value man because she’s been encouraged to value herself (her sense of emotional security) only.
“Men can’t be relied upon. What will you do if he leaves you?”
Well, what will you do if you lose your job? That’s no more or less likely than losing a man. What if you lose your life? That could happen in the next second, minute, hour, week, month or year.
So what then?
You gonna live as though every man will leave you?
We talk about men leaving us as if we have no influence in the matter – that’s another way of saying “I’m so afraid that I will never invest a relationship or trust anyone other than myself.”
In FACT – I believe it’s not hard at all to have a man fall in love with you, and not want to leave you – simply because it’s really not that hard to be the kind of woman that adds value to men. Once you understand, you have incredible power – incredible options.
Relationship is everything.
Again – this isn’t me saying you shouldn’t work. Not at all – it’s me saying that it’s okay to invest in a man – and to understand that putting so many eggs in the basket of career as if it will make everything okay – is dangerous. It’s dangerous for our heart.
We need money to survive, but we need relationships to actually live.
I Choose ‘us’ as Téa Leoni said.
Have you heard of our program Understanding Men? Click here to learn more about this program.
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