The Secret Cost for Women When They Have Casual Sex (PART 2)

This is part 2 of a 3-part series on the Secret Cost Of Casual Sex For Women. See Part 1 HERE.

Is there a hidden cost to having casual sex that women have not been told?

Read on to find out why casual sex may not benefit women so much.

The Secret Cost for Women When They Have Casual Sex - part 2

Some Women Can Be Detached From Casual Sex

Some women consider themselves progressive, and claim that sexual liberty is a must for women. Yes, it is.

But on an overall percentage, more women than not will experience some suffering after casual sex (if the man isn’t committed).

The trouble is that women usually have sex with men that have actual value.

Research has shown that when women are looking for short term sex, or casual sex; they get very choosy and usually mate with the better men because there’s no shortage of willing men for just sex.

Women usually don’t have sex with deadbeats. And that very perception we make in our minds that the man isn’t a deadbeat (ie: that he has mate value) is what makes casual sex with him dangerous.

That’s because a woman’s body has already formed an internal feeling about him.

So, going ahead and having sex with him just heightens the potential loss she will feel when he doesn’t show signs that he cares for her after the sex.

Losing the investment of a man we already decided was high value in some way, or even just good looking, can be devastating.

Yes, there are women out there who use men for sex.

Yet I am starting to consider the possibility that mostly, these types of women are oriented towards the clitoral orgasm (superficial orgasm) and prefer to get off rather than connect deeply with men and commit themselves deeply.

I could be wrong though. What do you think?

(To have anything other than a clitoral orgasm, such as a cervical orgasm, you have to be a lot softer, more relaxed, a lot more trusting, and emotionally open.)

That kind of orgasm in itself will demand some form of emotional connection with the man, which renders the woman vulnerable to the man).

(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)

CLICK HERE to LEARN the One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Masculine Man That Inspires Him to Want to Take Care of You, Worship You and Deeply Commit to You.

What Happens When You Give Away Your Goods For Nothing?

Would you sell or give away your home for 1% of the market price? No?

Under what circumstance would you sell your home for 1% of the market price?

You’d do it if you desperately needed money. ANY money.

Any money will do, and then you get paid that 1%, lose your house and feel miserable about it. You feel used!

This is the same reason many women have such pain and suffering after this very thing happens.

They are suffering, and according to my inbox, they are sometimes crying at the drop of a hat because they opened up to a man sexually, and he left.

And we think it’s not something to regret because “it was good sex”.

I have mentioned cognitive dissonance in part 1 of this series, and I think that’s relevant in this context (of when one looks back and thinks it is good sex).

Here is Part 3 of The Secret Cost for Women When They Have Casual Sex.

Good sex is just good sex.

Sure, for someone who feels like sex is lacking – good sex means everything. I understand that.

But perhaps what’s lacking is not “sex”, perhaps what is lacking is our willingness to be vulnerable to ourselves.

To feel beyond the horniness in to our heart. Because in that place, we can potentially attract something more permanent, and sex won’t be lacking.

And we will not just attract physical intercourse – but attract invisible sex, like the energy of attraction, playfulness, and polarity that you can experience when you are vulnerable and therefore become more polarised in to your unique feminine energy.

(To explore and increase your own feminine energy, see more here.)

If you’re wondering how naturally feminine you are, you can take this quick quiz I created here.

CLICK HERE to discover how much you truly live in your feminine energy with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!

Good Sex With “Some” Guy Is Nothing Compared To THIS

I imagine that good sex with just some man is nothing like good sex with the man who genuinely likes you.

A man who peels you open in trust for him, the man who belongs only to you. And you to only him.

Casual sex seems all fine and good and gives women so much freedom, until they actually do it.

As one honest commenter says:

“Hooking up works in theory – it’s more exciting, every experience is new, all the first kisses and first touches, but when an activity ends with me alone in my bedroom crying my eyes out because I’ve been charmed, bedded and forgotten about, it cuts to the core. I’m in my late 20’s and have only just started to realise there might be some logic in this lifelong commitment thing after all.”

The reality is that for many women, their biology hasn’t caught up with our current social norms.

So whilst less people are going to outwardly show judgement for a woman for being promiscuous (because it’s considered acceptable and even awesome to be promiscuous these days), inside, many women are suffering from being intimate without emotional investment from the man.

By the way, how would you know if a guy is invested in your or not? Find out in my article the 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With you.

What’s worse is when women can’t talk about their feelings honestly. It’s like women have to hide their true pain surrounding having had casual sex for everyone else’s sense of convenience!

Men Get A Good Deal, Women Get Hurt?

When it comes to casual sex, do men get a good deal, while women get hurt?

I suggest not always.

Sometimes, men get hurt in casual sex situations (such as his reputation gets hurt, but nothing like the deep heartbreak and emotional turmoil a woman can feel).

Men can feel guilt over using someone just for the sex – but that’s about it. After all, in their mind, their biology tells them that they got the better end of the deal!

Men get emotionally hurt, but much less than women (IF the sex is purely casual).

Casual sex hurts men differently to how it might hurt women.

How DOES casual sex hurt men anyway?

What Do MEN Risk Through Casual Sex?

Men risk their families for it (the wife finding out somehow).

They risk getting STDs, they risk their reputation if their social group finds out, and especially if the social group finds out he slept with a woman whom they do not consider to be attractive.

I would say that men and women get hurt just as much as each other when the sex is within a committed relationship and not just purely casual.

I.e. they are involved in friends with benefits situation or in a fuck buddy situation; because men get emotionally involved too, when the sex isn’t just casual.

by the way, here’s how you can Get Out Of The Friend Zone With A Guy.

In casual sex situations where the man is not emotionally invested, women almost always risk losing something of value.

Here’s the bottom line:

Women almost always risk losing something of value.

And that value that is lost, is not necessarily the fact that they let the man have sex with them.

The value they lose is the man’s commitment.

(By the way, men actually secretly love to commit, it just has to be the right woman! Read my hubby’s article on 3 Reasons Why Men Secretly Love To Commit.)

Even if a woman doesn’t need a man to survive anymore (hardly any of us do in the developed world), she still needs him emotionally.

We still need each other emotionally.

The trouble is that society doesn’t warn women of this!

They just tell women that it’s their body and they should (technically) be able to do anything they want with it.

But research has proven over and over, even in this day and age, that men desire fidelity highly in a wife (the woman he commits to).

And if a woman opens up to him sexually without her asking for much of his investment in her, then it will feel to him like she is easy.

So, I argue that women are not empowered by giving themselves sexually in a casual way.

Maybe one day in the (far away) future of evolution, that will be the case, but it’s not the case for now.

Here is What Makes A Woman Wife Material.

how to stay high value

Don’t Men Lose “Mate Value” When They Have Casual Sex?

Just in case you thought women were the only ones who lose something from having many sexual partners…

From just a biological perspective, a man risks nothing of value.

From just a biological perspective, women risk more value, because of the loss of paternal investment.

Even if she has all the money in the world, she still loses the paternal investment in an emotional way – which can make or break a child’s future.

If she’s lost the paternal investment of a high status man then she’s also lost the chance for her child that was potentially conceived with him, to inherit his status.

A child with two caring, committed parents arguably has more resources on his or her side than a child with one parent.

Although, of course, a child with two parents in an unhealthy relationship could be worse off than they would be with just one involved parent.

Men Can Lose Mate Value Through THIS

From the perspective of his long term mate value (relationship value), the more women a man sleeps with without an emotional investment, the more he loses value.

Do you want to know if the man you’re dating is committed or not? This quiz will help you! 

So this is not just a woman’s thing. But remember, we’re not talking from a biological perspective now. We’re talking about this from a social perspective ie: mate value.

So, the more we (as a woman or a man) open ourselves to be sexually intimate and to intertwine with another human casually, the more we potentially lower our value.

This is because, even with men who sleep around a lot, women don’t like it!

Women end up thinking they’re douchebags who just look to take value from women (and risk nothing emotionally).

This word spreads fast among friends and extended social groups.

Consequently, the man loses social value and mate value: he becomes damaged goods.

The more a man gets involved with lots of women, the more jaded he can become and the less innocent he can become. Which makes him less fresh and valuable emotionally (for a long term relationship).

And I theorise that we think this way because when we keep letting in the wrong people over and over, causing us to lose our innocence, that jadedness and resentment makes us show up with less resources to navigate relationships.

CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.) 

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

what Happens When We Give Away Access To Our Bodies Without A Commitment?

Both men and women risk getting a bad reputation.

Yes, men suffer from engaging in casual sex too, because they become known as a womanizer, and women are less likely to invest emotionally in them.

But we often forget that fact as women.

We forget that this isn’t just a cost that women have to foot.

Men have to foot costs too. Such as risking a retaliatory affair by his wife, risking being assaulted or murdered by the woman’s husband, or being socially rejected by other men.

Men are also potentially risking costly divorce, they’re risking getting STDs, risking a little bit of money, time and maybe a little bit of energy. (haha)

Still, often, men will be congratulated and will be encouraged for engaging in casual sex.

The reason for that is simply biology – men got easy access to something that’s expensive.

Men get congratulated because they got a good deal. It’s no different to us women congratulating each other on a fantastic bargain on a new dress, or calling a woman lucky for getting lots of money and/or gifts from men.

Sometimes women get a good deal from casual sex, I’m sure. Such as really good genes for their offspring.

(Women are more likely to choose the better looking guys for casual sex. Since they risk more, they need to secure a better trade-off. Why have casual sex with an ugly guy?)

But that doesn’t remove the enormous risk she took to get those genes for her offspring.

Men reap more benefits from having casual sex with more fertile women.

They also often get congratulated for having lots of sex with women, not just because people are sexist per se, but because they got a fantastic bargain.

Whereas, women let something valuable go, at not even a fraction of the price. I talk about why this is in PART 1.

Can you see how it is disempowering to encourage women to do it with no strings attached, when she always has to open in some minimal way, in order to let the man into her?

And we encourage women to be sexually liberated and have casual sex?

Isn’t that ridiculous?

Isn’t it disempowering?

Sure, we should be sexually liberated – but when a man has gained our trust.

In fact, I’d say that we are only truly sexually liberated when we do it with a man that we trust fully, and when he also trusts us fully.

But if we don’t even have the safety (or the courage) in our life to feel that we actually want to trust a man before having sex with him, then how are we empowered or liberated?

When we live in a society that ridicules a woman for wanting to “trust a man fully first” before having sex, aren’t we swapping one way of oppressing women for another?

We want women to freely have sex, but we invalidate their emotional pain or even trauma related to casual under the carpet?

What exactly do we want to achieve here?

Free sex for all, but not free support for when it goes wrong?

On the surface, it looks like we are oppressing women when we say they shouldn’t have sex casually.

But we are also suppressing women by invalidating the feelings of women who really want to feel trust before sex.

Because these women then go on to feel like their desire for deep emotional connection are wrong, or uncool.

We are empowered and liberated when we are connected to what is real, and what is true of our bodies.

Why do we have such anger over men’s perceived greater power over us that we have to insist that we are just like them?

Does it have to get to the point where we put a penis on to ourselves just to prove we can be them?

CLICK HERE to discover how much you truly live in your feminine energy with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!

Our Anger Should Be Towards Men Wanting Sex Without Trust

No, our anger should be over the fact that a man wants sex with us without ever gaining our trust!

This is insanity (for most women).

No, we are the gatekeepers of our bodies. It’s our body and we are the best person to take responsibility for it.

That’s the way it needs to be; if we want to have a trustworthy man in our life who doesn’t just get up and leave the next morning.

What If He Buys Me Breakfast The Next Morning?

A lovely lady recently said to me,

“Oh well, all my friends have had casual sex and one night stands. But my one night stand bought me breakfast, theirs didn’t.”

OK, but that doesn’t mean anything positive.

In fact, it could mean the opposite of positive.

Think about it from a man’s perspective: he’s taken value from you, so what would motivate him to buy you breakfast?

A few possible reasons: because he feels sorry for the woman, because he feels guilty for using her, or because he feels like he should do “the right thing”.

None of these things means he has any emotional attachment at all.

It just makes the woman feel a bit better about the night before, and helps the man free himself from any possible retribution towards him by an angry woman.

Don’t be fooled by the breakfast on the morning after. Just because a man spends a tiny amount of money on breakfast (relative to his income), does not mean he is interested in seeing his casual sex partner ever again.

And it is this emotional attachment in a man that most women want.

We all want a man to fall in love with us deep down; it’s a whole lot deeper (and some would argue better) than having a string of men who were not attached at all.

A man being in love and genuinely liking you is the ultimate sign and instigator of his lifelong commitment and devotion.

Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with my specially crafted 8 Question Quiz!

It Is Disempowering To Throw Away Responsibility For Our Body

Our bodies are ours. Do you think it’s good to ask that men match our care level for our bodies and take responsibility for being the gatekeepers of sex just as much as women?

Think about it. A man in love will care, but a casual sex partner?

Why does he care about being the gatekeeper for a woman’s body and sexuality?

His responsibility at this stage, especially where he has no emotional investment in the woman, is to do the best for the survival of his genes.

This is not to say that men shouldn’t strive to take responsibility for being the gatekeepers of sex, and sometimes they do become gatekeepers of sex, but I suspect this is largely when they truly care about the woman and are invested in her.

To find out whether he’s invested in you, read my article: How To Test Him To See If He Cares.

So, this is not to say we shouldn’t make men be gatekeepers of sex. This is to give you an objective view of how the world is today.

It doesn’t mean we can’t try to hold men to higher standards, but realise that men act on their biology.

They are here with a built in motivator for passing on their genes, just like women are. Even if they don’t want children.

Ultimately, it’s disempowering to transfer responsibility for our bodies and decisions over to men.

If you’re a home buyer, do you take it upon yourself to make sure that the seller doesn’t get a bad deal?

Would you offer your help to make sure you don’t pay too low a price for the new house you’re buying, and make sure that the vendor (seller) gets a high enough price for his comfort level?

No? Why not?

Because you’re in it to get the best deal that you can.

By the way, imagine for a moment that you are the seller of your home…

If the buyer of your home pays 1% of the market price (1% of how much your house is really worth) of the house you are selling, they might drop the house and run because…if they paid so little, might there be a catch? Might there be something wrong with the house?

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new program. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

On Friends With Benefits…

I understand that there are cases where a purely sexual relationship is slightly more long-term than a one night stand or casual sex over a couple of days.

And, these are the cases where a woman is more likely to be getting something in return for her sexual offerings. And these types of relationships are not what I’m referring to in this article.

Whilst there’s nothing wrong with having a series of short-term sexual partners, or even more than one sexual partner at a time, the issue here is that these relationships are usually “fuck buddy” relationships, or mutual agreement relationships where both are in it for themselves.

In other words, they’re not in this setup to give. What do I mean by giving? I mean emotional resources (their soul, their vulnerability), they are simply involved in an exchange.

They sometimes sell their soul for sex.

An authentic relationship is based on vulnerability. So over time, as each partner makes themselves more vulnerable, the relationship becomes more sacred, more beautiful and more trusting.

But these short-term exchanges?

The fuck buddies or friends with benefits?

A woman can be involved in these AND receive substantial value back from the man (short term emotional connection, sex, money, protection etc).

These relationships have their own shortcomings along with their short term benefits.

Those shortcomings are that unfortunately, we have to know that we’re not risking anything much emotionally.

And when we don’t risk much emotionally, we don’t reap much emotionally.

Eg: we don’t usually get much commitment or a stable relationship from a man.

So we are reducing ourselves to a human taking what we want for pleasure and comfort; rather than risking ourselves going out into the dating market with a truly vulnerable yearning.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with relationships like this.

I’m just hoping that we can all be aware of the risks and costs involved in a relationship that’s really just an exchange (I give you what you want, if you give me what I want), and not a relationship.

Ultimately, sex is not free, and love is not free.

At some point, somebody gets hurt.

Either the man or the woman is going to become more vulnerable than their partner – and the other person will say:

“What is this emotional drama!? I was only in it for the status/sex/company! You were a mean time man! (or you were a mean time girl!)”

Of course, everyone has a sex drive. What we do with that is up to us. Some people just want to orgasm. Some people want something deeper.

We can choose to open beyond the need for an orgasm in to yearning and vulnerability for a high value man, or we can choose to shut off to yearning and vulnerability, reducing feelings of attraction.

learn the dark feminine art of High Value Banter here.

But What About Women’s Rights?

I know everyone wants to believe that women should have the same rights as men when it comes to sex.

Some women want to be able to have the same social acceptance for doing it a lot and often, with different partners.

Apparently, if we don’t fight for sexual equality, then we are allowing patriarchy to infiltrate our world.

Ahem…on that point…

Did you know that in fifty cultures, where “inadequate earnings” is cited as an official legal reason for divorce, only 1 in 50 of those cultures allows a man to initiate divorce on that ground?

It’s only women who can divorce on those grounds. Does that seem fair?

It’s not only women who get the short end of the stick here, although many tend to think that way.

Talk about rights…people sometimes think women are the only ones hard done by.

But no culture allows a man to divorce a woman based on inadequate earnings!

So why don’t we hear about that more often?

Maybe we as women don’t care about that. But men also have to deal with situations that feel unfair for them. That’s part of life.

And as much as we want to deny it…the double standard re: sex exists not only because of society, but because of biology. Men’s and women’s bodies are built differently. We have different relationship timelines, and different reproductive agendas.

Sex with a woman is still something that a woman needs to be the gatekeeper on, but why?

Because despite logic, women tend to feel “used”, “abandoned”, “low value” if a man has come in, done the deed, and run after sex. I receive plenty of emails with women feeling this way.

(Not to mention, women have a fear of abandonment for a good reason: it’s telling them to be careful!)

Maybe we shouldn’t fall for the widespread political correctness that’s out there.

If we try to make things “fair” and obsess about taking away double standards, we’re also damaging our own chances of having the love that our heart and body truly wants.

Sure, fairness between sexes isn’t a bad thing in many contexts.

Yet wanting fairness does come at a cost. A cost that I believe we should at least be aware of, because we can make better decisions this way.

When it comes down to it, no denying what we want (commitment and devotion from a man) from fear that we might not have it, and no amount of cognitive dissonance will change what biology has done for millions of years.

Case Study: Learn How our member Alison went from attracting perpetual abusive relationships… …To finally learning the skill of weeding out the wrong types of men, and passing the hardest test of them all… an accidental pregnancy after a month of dating! (…All by learning one simple skill.)

Sexual Liberation Reduces The Value Of Sex To MEN

When there is so called free sexuality, and women are sexually liberated (in a way that makes sex easily available), the value of sex goes down.

It becomes easy, a commodity, a vehicle for meeting one’s needs quickly.

We become desensitized to sex.

It is not liberated to approach sexuality without realising that it performs emotional, evolutionary and reproductive functions deep in our body.

These emotional, evolutionary and reproductive functions are deeply rooted in our ancestry and biology.

As such, we can’t be silly and act like we can out think these functions – because sex triggers certain hormones and emotions in our bodies.

Want part 3 of this series? Here is Part 3…

Please share your knowledge and stories below! It’s a place where other women can learn and connect with you, too. You’ll be adding great value to the world. I look forward to hearing from you!

renee wade

P.S. Connect with me on social media

Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link

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The people who disagreed with your article are low key in denial. I understand what everyone else is saying and there are some gray areas, it’s not totally black and white, but ultimately everything you said was true. I really enjoyed reading this.


Cervical orgasm?
No thanks
I only have vaginas orgasms & I feel nothing for the men to get attached.
I’m just super horny.
I’ve only had two clitoral orgasms from men in my life & it took a long time to get there but vagina orgasms come fast & easy.
I don’t care if I ever see these guys again. Ongoing sex is a plus but I have to be compatible with a guy to feel anything emotionally.
I can hate a guy but still want to fuck him.


Men don’t get congratulated for casual sex. Thats a HUGE misconception you are sprouting I don’t do it, none of my male friends do it, I don’t know a single male who does it.

This equality you speak of- Men who have casual sex are the low forms of men- and Yet feminists think “if men do it- why can’t we”? why are you trying to emulate the worst of men?

Reply to  Renee Wade

they risk their reputation if their social group finds out, and especially if the social group finds out he slept with a woman whom they do not consider to be attractive

You have no idea what men are. The risk is- if they find out you are having casual sex – you’re out of the group- thats it. Men don’t care how pretty your partner is

the entire article is guess work from women who have no idea about men


My friend that I spoke about in the first article said that the guy I’m always talking about returned to ask her to make back months ago before she chose her now boyfriend. She sent me a voice note from Whatsapp that he sent her saying how much he must say he’s missing her. She wants commitment from men and the guy says that he wants to settle down and get married but she doesn’t have a good personality so he can’t take her out or bring her home to his mother and introduce her to the rest of his… Read more »


I agree with this article besides this point: “ Consequently, the man loses social value and mate value: he becomes damaged goods. The more a man gets involved with lots of women, the more jaded he can become, and the less innocent, which makes him less fresh and valuable emotionally (for a long term relationship). “ From my experience men don’t lose social value, if anything sleeping around boosts our reputation even with women, It’s called preselection, women want what other women are attracted to. They don’t become “damaged goods” either, we seperate sex from emotion, we can sleep with… Read more »


Renee you are amazing, and I’m a long term follower of you and your husband’s message. This article was so powerful I imagine how different the world would be if every women read and understood this. A few years ago after reading your works and others I became so angry thinking about how women were brainwashed into thinking we could and should sleep around just like men. But now I feel that it’s another unfortunate case of when the pendulum swings too far the other way. I think as the message gets out more balance will be restored. I’m in… Read more »


Divorced and 40 years old. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce (which goes up with each remarriage) and over 70% of divorces initiated by women, what’s the incentive for a man to get married even if he really wanted to? Divorce statistics like that convert men that actually want to commit into something else. With that said, I haven’t been on a date or had sex in 2 years and have pretty much given up on any of it altogether.


I agree with you from a logical perspective – but not from an empirical one. Based on my dating experience, women are actually more inclined to have casual sex whereas men feel a connection from the act and want to explore the potential for a relationship. It really makes no sense to me, because a lot of women have given themselves to me for the night, but very few of them seem interested in seeing me again. Apparently I have those “good genes” that women are after when having casual sex … so why am I not a worthy long-term… Read more »

Reply to  Renee Wade

Or the guy/girl just wasn’t that great in bed and the woman doesn’t have the desire or patience to teach him/her what she wants in bed… Especially when she has (or can easily find) other people to get the job done properly.

Petter Nerman
Petter Nerman


I really loved this article, please allow me to copy-paste here the bits that made more sense to me, so I can refer to them later on. Idea of “invisible sex, like the energy of attraction, playfulness, and polarity” Even if she doesn’t need a man to survive anymore (hardly any of us do in the developed world), she still needs him emotionally. We still need each other emotionally. The more a man gets involved with lots of women, the more jaded he can become, and the less innocent, which makes him less fresh and valuable emotionally (for a long… Read more »


Ladies, there are a lot of really mean guys out there who will do whatever it takes to get you into bed and publicly brag about it afterwards. They think your love stuff is silly. Don’t be played for a fool. The best thing you can do it make them wait a few months. The bad ones won’t stick around.


I have been on both sides of the issue. I was a religious virgin until I was 24 years old! It served me well because I was emotionally damaged and immature coming from an abusive home. I have no regrets about that decision, it saved me a lot of heartache because it did not allow any guy to use me for sex. I finally opened up to a good man who cared for me and it was amazing to be with him. We both understood that there was no relationship potential, as he lived far away. I found that if… Read more »


Thanks, Renee. I always enjoy your articles as well. I appreciate your defense for the woman who waits as being liberated in that she has strong boundaries and protects her heart and body. I have been dating a man for two months and have chosen to not sleep with him. This is the first time I’ve made a conscious decision to wait until marriage, actually, because I don’t want any blurred lines. Sex is a bonding experience for me, and I know it! Might as well go rent the Uhaul, lol. The result is that this relationship is moving along… Read more »


I am glad to read everyone’s stories. I went through a very emotionally connected situationship with this guy I used to have a crush on in high school. We ended up sleeping together too early and over the months, we grew closer and closer….it felt like a real relationship sometimes. But then, he met this girl in his class and he couldn’t get over her because of how much like me she was. He kept trying to keep me with him by lying when I outright asked if he has feelings for her. He would gaslight me with saying no… Read more »

Jim Johnson
Jim Johnson

“The value they lose is a man’s commitment”

Very true, an easy girl is not trustworthy, and will be avoided by any sane guy looking for a LTR. The reverse is also true (to a smaller extent). Having a high notch count is not the huge accomplishment for either sex since the cultural shift and Tinder.


Regarding the friends with benefits thing, I think thats a good thing for women- when done occasionally. Women are so vulnerable when it comes to safety, they have to think twice when choosing a partner – just google to see images of drunk passed-out naked women who have no idea someone removed their clothes and posted pics of them on the internet for posterity. It could be even worse than that! When you’re not in a place for a relationship and your libido needs relief – a friend who you can trust with your pleasure and discretion is a great… Read more »

Brooklyn S.
Brooklyn S.

Renee, Wow. I happened upon your website about a month ago while doing research. I cannot express how utterly enthralled I am by your professional style and amazing ability to communicate. For this series in particular, I was wowed by the amount of work and information you made available. I cannot thank you enough for these posts. They are very insightful. I love how you asked the hard questions, and then answered them in a concise, informative, and compassionate manner. My favorite quote was, “When we live in a society that ridicules a woman for wanting to “trust a man… Read more »

Renee Wade
Renee Wade
Reply to  Brooklyn S.

Thanks a lot Brooklyn S.! I appreciate you being here.
– Renee.

Dale Do Casal
Dale Do Casal

This was a great article and very unbiased. As a man learning about these things to have a deeper relationship with a woman, there is one thing that still confuses me. The whole commitment thing. Meaning what are the boundaries of commitment? And also you talk about it being emotionally detrimental to a woman. I am realizing that i am a very emotional guy but it seems im only noticing the emotions when i don’t get my needs fulfilled. And based on this article it seems to be the same for woman but for a guy (myself anyway) it seems… Read more »

Vanessa Beckett
Vanessa Beckett


Thank you so much for writing this! Especially coming form a liberated woman as yourself, these words are so true and powerful.
Keep up the good work and I enjoy reading your posts.

Renee Wade
Renee Wade

Thank You Vanessa 🙂

Beth Foster
Beth Foster

Thank you Renee. I am reading this as a mother of a 16 year old whose having her first heart break and she won’t let me talk to her. She was so open and loving and vulnerable and I was so jaded and worried – she did not lose her virginity but I worry that she will feel that pressure when she likes a young man who is a seemingly good person just not mature and not fully valuing her. I WISH she understood the ideas in your blog, right now she doesn’t want to hear anything and just keeps… Read more »

Renee Wade
Renee Wade
Reply to  Beth Foster

oh Beth. I can only imagine what you are feeling. And if I ever decide to have another child and it’s a daughter, I may have to confront the same issues. I don’t think it’s the ‘rule’ that 17/18 year old boys must be promiscuous and non committal – because these boys also fall in love, and when a male is in love, he is much more likely to commit himself. Falling in love has nothing to do with age. A 16 or 17 year old boy can be as emotionally committed as a 50 year old. Having said that,… Read more »

Reply to  Beth Foster

i think that if you periodically take her away from her town/high school environment to camps/ resorts/ different towns that support hobbies/activites/new ideas she wants to try she will develop more of herself and may even develop a romance seperate from the life that she constantly sees. she will learn to be an individual and know that the small world she sees as high school is only as big as she makes it. good luck and you are a good mom

Jim Johnson
Jim Johnson
Reply to  Beth Foster

I am not trying to proselyte here, but my church website has some excellent resources for the youth. You may want to look through some and share them with your daughter as you think is appropriate. Some is doctrinal specific to our church, most is more general.

Reply to  Beth Foster

Hi Beth, I also have a daughter and so this issue may come up as she gets older. I myself follow the simple statement and like to pass it on to other ladies: “It is easiest (in general) for men to fall in love with a woman before they sleep together.” And the reason for this is because men fall in love with mystery, desire, and conquest. Their DNA was wired this way since cave man days. Once you explain this to your daughter she should begin to think about this and, hopefully, become more guarded at first, as an… Read more »

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