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Article updated 2018
If a Man is sending you Mixed Signals, read this
The following is a question I received from a Commitment Control member named, “Angel”. Both David and I share our responses. Enjoy it. If there’s anything you feel Angel should do or know, feel free to post your thoughts in the comments section below the post.
Hi David and Renee,
I have been receiving Renee’s emails and has subscribed to Commitment Control. Although I didn’t finish all the videos yet, it is really very helpful for me in understanding men and relationships in general. However, with my “man”, it is just difficult to understand him because he’s sending me differing signals.
For a better understanding, let me share with you our story:
We were previous co-workers but when we both ended our previous relationships last year, we started a long distance dating (I was in Afghanistan and he was in Iraq).
He is American and I am a Filipino. We are deeply attracted to each other and I feel we connected well too. Until I requested for some more time with him.
He said he only wanted a light (read for him: open) relationship, which I didn’t agree. I told him, I am looking for a serious relationship that could lead to marriage and have made it clear to him from the start, which he made me believe is what he also wants. So when he persisted and still met me when I moved to Dubai in Oct last year, I thought he already agreed on an exclusive relationship as he dropped his other girl that I know he was seeing when he was in Dubai (his FWB girl).
With his work as a Business Development Manager, he came to Dubai from Iraq four times between Oct 2012 – February 2012. In his 2nd visit in December, he told me the magic words, I love you. And while he was with his family in the US, he told me that his visits to Dubai is incomplete without him passing by to be with me. And although I haven’t met any of his family and friends, when we go out together, he refers me as his girlfriend and even when he visited me at my work, he introduced himself as my bf, although I only introduced him on his first name. He even trusted me as his business partner in his new e-marketing business. This made me believe that we are bf/gf already.
However, on his 3rd visit in January, things changed when he met another Filipino girl at a bar (he asked my permission to give her his number as he said he can convince her for a 3-some). I jokingly told him if he can convince her, I can try. (He’s been asking me if I could as he said it’s his fantasy).
When the girl met him at the Sisha bar the next day, and I joined them (I was surprised but acted cool). He asked me if we can have a 3-some. At that time, he was under extreme stress (he lost $10K in Boston on his way here from his Christmas vacation), I gave in and said if it will help him de-stress, I could. But when I was alone at the massage parlor after his sisha (he arranged for a massage for me and the other girl, and I was the first since there’s no available slot), I changed my mind and told him via SMS that I can’t take it. When he didn’t respond, I followed them to our hotel room. I didn’t see them making out but I felt they did as he was upset when I cancelled the massage. But since he knew I was upset, he told me to rest and he let the other girl go. I thought she’d never come back.
But he told me that night that she’ll come back the next day. He said he just want to have sex with her for a night and told me that we are friends with benefits only. I was crushed. I told him all along we are bf/gf but he said we are not. And even when I told him I am hurt with what he is doing, he told me I am selfish and all.
Anyway, because I don’t know where to go (I didn’t want to go home yet as I know my friends will suspect and I couldn’t face their questions yet), I paid another room and stayed at the same hotel while him and the other girl was in our room. I left my things in the room since he promised that it’s just a one-night stand. I agreed on the set-up. And I left my things to let the girl know that I am still with him, although he may have told her otherwise. But the girl was cool with that. To me, she’s just a slut who’s looking for an American, hoping one will take her seriously for her American dream. (I’m always good in seeing one). I know he won’t believe me though, so I didn’t bring it up to him. He said she’s just cool with being a FWB and it’s a one-night stand anyway.
It was a difficult phase in our relationship. But the next day, the girl did leave and we are back at each other. Although this time, he made sure we are just friends with benefits. He told me that he’s dated 3 girls in Boston where he is planning to move after his work in Iraq ends this March. He is leaning more on the surgeon from Harvard although he admitted they didn’t have great sex.
I was crushed but I stayed, hoping he’ll change his heart.
While in Iraq, we stayed in touch and he even apologized to me and sent the girl whom he had a one-night stand an email telling her he has deep feelings for me and that he shouldn’t have done what he did. So I thought we were OK again.
In his last visit here in February (4 Days) from Iraq to move to US permanently, we still met. Physically, we are very attracted to each other and we connected spiritually (we meditate a lot and he shares his dreams to me). So I am not surprised that after a misunderstanding before he came here, he still asked me to be with him.
But then again, the next day after he arrived, he asked me if he can meet the other girl for movie. I was so furious and reminded him of his apologies and how sorry he was that he hurt me and yet, here he was again asking me to see her. He got mad too and blamed my being greedy and selfish.
It was the worst we had. We threatened each other. But when he noticed how hurt and angry I was (I never showed anger towards him, as by nature, I am patient with those I love the most and is not easily angered), he changed his mind and even called the other girl that he can’t hurt me again and cancelled the date and we went to a dancing class where we had a blast. But in the evening, he was so furious he said he could have been enjoying with the other girl instead of putting up with me who is tired and needy and selfish. We fought again and he only subsided when I let him call her to join us for dinner. She accepted so we went to see her.
But the next day, I left. Because I know he will ask the other girl to be with him again, which he did. But the next day (his last day before his flight the following day), he invited me for lunch and we had a very emotional parting (I told him I am letting him go and I will be happy if his relationship with the surgeon will lead to marriage). He was emotional and he apologized again and promised me he will take retreats and see a psychiatrist as we both believe he’s being addicted to women (he is an alcoholic but he managed to stay sober for 3 yrs and is now a non-smoker for 3 yrs too). He has this “addiction” but now it is with women. Before he left after lunch, he told me I am the most beautiful thing that ever happened to him as I can handle his anger (his another issue since childhood) and his addiction to women and I love him unconditionally. He told me he does love me but couldn’t marry me. He however promised to stay in touch and that we will remain good friends.
With us parting already after lunch, I didn’t expect him to ask me to stay with him on his last night but he did. I was with him at his favorite sisha bar and we went back to his hotel together and even went with him to the airport the next day on his flight back to US. He kissed me and asked me not to change. That he’s ashamed of what he did to me and that he’s really very sorry.
We continued communicating like a couple in a long distance relationship and just prior to his 10-days retreat earlier this month, he told me again that he loves me. He even said that he told his parents about me, about my simple but happy childhood, and his favorite story about our family’s dog hero, when he cried while I was reading him that story I wrote.
However, he surprised me again when he asked me if I can be his secret lover, no matter who we end up with in marriage. He told me he needs me and wants to keep me as his lover. I said no, that I deserve to be his wife. I told him I’d rather leave if he must insist. He said he can’t make me happy and I deserve a better man, not someone like him who has hurt him and couldn’t love me the way I love him.
But when I asked him to see the possibility of having an exclusive relationship as we are clearly attracted to each other and that we somehow connect, or we need to stop if he doesn’t want to. He promised he’ll think about it during his retreat. Then he started to act like my bf again, keeping in touch, telling me he misses me and telling me he loves me. He even sent me photos of him on the airplane prior to take off on his flight to the retreat center.
But when he came back the other day from the meditation retreat, he told me he’s decided to give his potential relationship with the surgeon a chance. That although he loves me, he can’t see us being married because I am too needy. When I responded to him that I accept his decision but that it’s goodbye, he still stayed in touch and he even asked us to be intimate again as if I didn’t said goodbye to him. Unfortunately though, although my mind tells me to let go, I couldn’t resist him.
But now, I am feel all confused and hurt. I really love him but I ask if he just wants me physically. He even brought up the 3-some again and asked me if I am still OK with it if we date long term again. I of course told him I can’t do it.
I don’t know what to do. Is there still a chance with us or are my girlfriends right to tell me that he’s just using me or keeping me as his option if things don’t go well with the surgeon?
I will really appreciate your advice. From David, as man, you can give me more insight as to what his real intentions are or why he acted that way, apologized, did it again, and still comes back to me and yet couldn’t see us as a married couple.
With Renee, was it right that I stayed? What must I do?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> RENEE’S RESPONSE
This man is marriage material. You should keep him.
Honestly, this man is not sending you “differing” signals. He is sending you a clear signal: he is not committed to you. (Click here to complete the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)
That does not mean that he can’t be, it just means that he is not fully committed right now.
Now, as BAD as that sounds, and as much of a complete prick this man seems like he is, in all my time working with women, and talking to men and studying male psychology, I’ve learned this:
No matter how THIN you slice the pancake, there are always two sides.
So it’s not just that he’s a jerk.
You are running your patterns and he is running his.
Right now, you deserve each other. And I say that with good intent.
Just a small aside: I HATE when internet dating experts get a question like this and spend several paragraphs basically just saying “he’s a prick. Leave him”. Because that is not advice. (read my article about relationship advice women should never take)
Anyone can give that advice and that doesn’t help anyone long term. Because their mindset has not changed. And mindsets are stubborn buggers, because humans are creatures of habit. We think basically the EXACT same thoughts we thought yesterday.
Clearly, you COULD have left him ages ago, but you haven’t, and there’s a reason for that. So me saying leave him is not going to help.
First of all, this man is playing low value, and so are you. He is willing to settle for any girl who seems somewhat willing to have sex with him, and you are willing to settle for a man who does not take your feelings in to consideration.
In fact, this man doesn’t even really know what it is he wants.
I think the most painful part of all this if it was me, is the fact that he is accusing you of being selfish when he himself does not appear to be aware that you have feelings too. Although, from what you have told me, you are not really communicating your true feelings to him anyway, since your actions say to him that you are willing to “go along” with whatever his heart desires.
(read my article about why you haven’t found the right man yet)
So, what to do? Three simple things:
1) Ask yourself: what is the FEELING I am looking for when I keep running back to him EVEN AFTER he apologises and makes the same mistake again. And again. And again.
Do you feel special, to be the one forgiving him?
Do you feel finally acknowledged?
Is this what LOVE looks like to you? (read my article about what is love)
Is it a rush of excitement that you get from all the drama and the uncertainty?
If you can sit down with yourself in quiet and just think until you get to the bottom of it, you will probably find that inside, you don’t feel worthy enough for real love, and a real commitment. (Click here if you have time to watch the Commitment Masterclass)
I have no judgement here. I have felt like this before.
I just want you to aim higher than this.
2) Once you’ve figured the answer out; find another way to meet your needs. The best way? Give the feeling you are looking for – whether it’s appreciation, praise, the feeling that you are special and important – give that to YOURSELF.
The only way to do this is to get to the bottom of it, take step 1 (above) first, and then reassure YOURSELF.
Don’t wait for somebody else to do it, although it’s always nice.
When you do this, you will find that you can cradle yourself and take care of yourself far quicker than this man could, at least right now.
3) Regardless of whether you decide to stay with this man or not, start saying a big fat “NO”. “NO THANK YOU”.
“THANKS. BUT NO THANKS”. And say this in response to his requests for threesomes.
Or say: “No, I am not interested in a threesome. The idea scares me. And it would hurt me.”
That’s the truth isn’t it? Of course it is. So, do say that to him.
Why would you want to be honest?
Because then he will see that there is actually something to take care of.
Right now, he can’t see much. Because you’re pretending. So stop pretending.
Be honest. You’re telling ME you don’t want to – and you’re dishonoring your own true heart desires just to feel loved.
Little do you know the number of men out there waiting in line to love you in a way that will light up your heart…
See, this man is attracting a bunch of pushover women; women who don’t really care about him anyway – so it’s not good for HIM for you to be doing this and needless to say, it’s also tearing you apart.
So stand up for yourself. I understand that standing up for yourself is something that is easier said than done, so here’s what I want you to do.
Think back to a time when you really did stand up for yourself. Maybe back at school? When you were a kid?
What did you do?
Did you say something? Did you throw your fists in the air? Maybe yell at someone?
Or perhaps if you were a very boisterous kid like me. When I was only 10 years old I yelled at a stranger on
the street for insulting my mother (I’m protective of the ones I love).
Perhaps you haven’t done that before, but I am CERTAIN you have stood up for someone you love before. Maybe your mother or father, or a sister or brother. Or even a pet.
You need to realise that this woman I’m talking about – this woman who stands up for YOU – for ANGEL is there, inside of you right now, waiting for you to hear her and acknowledge her and trust her to know that there is better for you.
That it will be OK, even if you do let this man go and even if you DO have to live through the fear that there may not be another man around the corner ready to take care of you (that’s not true but I respect that you might feel that it is).
There are times in my past when I felt weak and didn’t stand up for myself because I felt hopeless. You probably already know about this. My ex boyfriend was cheating on me. I tried to push the relationship forward even after I found out.
Just because I didn’t trust myself to find someone better. And most importantly, I didn’t feel I was a great catch (this is many years ago now).
And I can say now, with great pride, that it’s a nice feeling to know I have all the options in the world, and so do you.
So think on to a past event where you stood up for yourself, and tap in to the drive within you, and use it now. You don’t have to tell him off. Just say a simple no.
What you want and what you NEED as a woman (stability, security, along with a number of other things as well of course) is COMPLETELY OK.
IT’S NOT SELFISH.
What is selfish is you playing along with something that you don’t really want, and wasting your time and this man’s time.
Don’t read this and then just fart around. Do these things now.
What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> DAVID’S RESPONSE
Hey there Angel,
OK, the first thing I do when I look at a problem, is to simplify it. Make it less confusing. As long you’re confused, it’s hard to see what’s going on, what’s happening and it’s impossible to solve anything. You need clarity.
When I read your email… It was obvious to me what is happening. You are running patterns that women run,
which is to ask for commitment and a secure future, and he’s just doing what men do best, which is resist commitment and seek out freedom.
It’s not your fault, it’s not his fault, that’s just the basic level of how men and women operate. There are huge differences between men and women, HUGE.
But it’s your job to understand the dynamics of men and women, so that you can become more evolved and no longer get caught into these relationship patterns and traps.
To make it worse, there are parts of all of us that contradicts with the other parts of us. He is saying one thing, but also saying another with his actions.
A mentor of mine once said, see the pattern, don’t just hear the story. The pattern here is that he would probably never be exclusive with anyone; with the patterns he is running right now with women.
His true intentions? Here it is… he wants to feel the attraction and desire. He intuitively knows that if he enters into a committed exclusive relationship, then attraction and desire may fade and disappear. That’s why he has so much resistance to commitment!
He is a high dopamine person who gets his high from seeing and meeting new women. And the way he acts… it’s just to preserve and protect his own feelings of attraction.
If you ever want him or any man for that matter to commit to you in an exclusive relationship, then you
have to work on building attraction. I know I’ve probably said that a billion times, but it’s the simple truth and don’t overlook it.
If you can make him feel deep attraction, then he won’t have a need to go around seeing other women.
But of course that’s the hard part. It would take a lot of energy and understanding in order to know what to do. And it’s not a simple case of “should I leave” or should i Stay…
What you really need, Angel, is to keep growing and learning about men, and relationships. Keep practicing your knowledge and skills in attraction and connection. This man will come and go, but your skills and awareness will stay with you for a lifetime.
As we say in our program “Understanding Men”, knowledge is power, knowledge in men is power with men. (Click here to find out more information about the program Understanding Men)
Final message from Renee and David:
If you want to join Commitment Control 2.0 as well, click here and register to watch the Commitment Masterclass first.
Got something to say about this? Think Angel could do with your opinion? Share it in the comments section below.
By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!
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