My assistant Jenny forwarded me this question the other day:

“I met my guy in Feb 2013 from Okcupid. In March 2013 (3weeks later) he asked me to be his girl. In April 2013 he asked me to move into his house. Aug 3, 2013, he broke up with me.- I cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, etc. I am wife material I know that much. Around May he started to back off, but I did not see the signs because I was still on a love high. Questions-
Why would he give up a good woman? (he said I am everything he has been looking for)
Was I to available and what exactly does that mean? (he said I was a little clingy but he understood I was in a new area)
Why did he have to lie to get away? (he said he felt bad when he would leave me and go out)
Why does he still want me even though he doesn’t want me?
When he broke up with me – he said he is not ready for a relationship and he is depressed and doesn’t know what he wants.
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS FOR YOU I WOULD LIKE TO CALL YOU AND PICK YOU MIND IVE PRINTED AND READ ALL OF YOU STORIES I DONT NO WHY I WANT HIM BACK – HE WAS GOOD TO ME PLEASE HELP”

Hi Bernadette,

I’ll answer your questions and then give you further illustrations at the end.

“Why would he give up a good woman?”

There are a few possibilities as to why:

1) He liked you a lot, and genuinely felt you were wonderful, but was too scared to commit (or didn’t have enough reasons to commit). And what you had to offer wasn’t what HE needed in order to overcome his commitment resistance.

2) He told you what you wanted to hear (you’re “everything he ever wanted”) because he knows that we CAN fall for a man’s words, rather than his actions…all so that he could have the convenience of having a girlfriend and regular intimacy until he got sick of it. Even better if you live there and took care of the cleaning and he didn’t have to work that much for the good company and sex.

3) You were his ‘One of Many’ rather than ‘The One.’ My husband David teaches about this very important insight about men in our Commitment Control 2.0.

Click here to register to watch the Commitment Masterclass.

You rather be ‘The One’ than be Wife Material

And on that topic…the truth is that David and I believe that you rather be ‘The One’ and learn how to show up as ‘The One’ than just ‘wife material’…wife material is ok…you can sort of take it as a compliment, but it is like the ‘level down’ from being ‘The One’…because when you’re ‘The One’, the man is madly in love with you…not just ticking off the boxes that say you COULD be good for marriage.

When you are ‘The One’, there’s no choice but to have you be his one and only woman for life…marriage comes easy for you then.

Were you too available and what exactly does that mean?

This is irrelevant. Being too available is not an issue if two people are falling in love (which I don’t believe you both were, from the information I have). Do you ever see two madly in love people counting the minutes and days they spend with each other and obsessing over not being too available?

Or is that more for people who feel like the relationship is not secure, so they resort to fantasizing about whether they were too available so they can justify why the relationship didn’t turn out to be what they wanted in their fantasy land?

I don’t believe that being too available is the question. (See my article on being taken for granted)

I believe the better question to ask yourself is this:

“Did I add value to that man’s life? Or was I giving whatever I assumed would be valuable to him without even questioning if it was High Value in his mind?”

(Click here to take to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

Why did he have to lie to get away?

I’m not sure how he tried to get away or what you mean EXACTLY….

But the answer is because people will lie to get what they want, if they developed any brains at all while they were growing up, most of us have the ability and the ‘smarts’ to do this when we want something.

Does this mean he had to be so immature about it? No, not at all. What he did was NOT right.

But it is what it is. You have permission to hate him for it.

Why does he still want you even if he doesn’t want you?

Well, you haven’t given much specific information here.

But my answer is because humans are full of contradictions inside. We fear success, but we want it. We want a relationship, but we’re not willing to be vulnerable. We want to lose weight, but it’s much more comfortable to eat instead of exercise whenever we think “I really SHOULD lose some weight”.

What you guys had together sounded too convenient for both of you. He got intimacy and good company. You got a good company, intimacy and some hope that you guys might be in a committed marriage or relationship sometime soon.

This is NOT the best way to start off a long-term relationship.

It just seems like you both went into it to take something. More specifically, something that felt convenient at the time. It doesn’t sound passionate or loving at least by the way you’ve described it. That’s a WARNING sign that it’s that kind of relationship where you both just entered with transactions in mind.

Relationships shouldn’t be transactions..think about when you’re in love. When you’re in love you don’t ‘count’ how much you’re getting back or say ‘well if you’re not gonna commit to marriage I’m not gonna commit to regular sex with you’. You only do that when you want each other for something – sometimes people just use each other.

Again, that’s not right or wrong. It is just what it is. People do what they need to do to get by in this life…it’s not always pretty.

You do have a choice though. What I do here is I encourage you to want the best and be High Value. Only THEN do you get to CHOOSE from the best men and not try to settle for men who run away at the slightest mention of responsibility!

As for any further insight into what else COULD have been happening with you guys based on the little information that I have…here’s what I have to say…

I’ll give you a quick illustration.

You meet a guy.

You date him for 2 months.

You decide not to have sex with him until you’re comfortable.

By the end of the 2 months, you both still haven’t had sex and you break up with him.

He then asks an imaginary mutual friend of the both of you these things:

“Why didn’t she have sex with me?”

“I know I’m hot enough, I make enough money, and have a big enough dick for her to sleep with me, that’s for sure.”

“PLEASE HELP SHE WAS GETTING WARM AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME BUT SHE NEVER DID.”

Think for a moment. What would you say to this man asking this question?

What would you feel, reading his question?

I’m not sure what you would feel about him exactly, but I could take a few wild guesses if I wanted to. Perhaps you’d open your mouth wide in shock thinking how could he just focus on the sex like that?? Didn’t he even CARE about her?

Yes? No? Do you feel what I feel about this hypothetical man’s questions?

Most women would; at least if they read his questions carefully and thought about the questions.

Women would hate this man’s questions because of a few reasons:

1) He wins the competition for who is Captain Selfish Today.

2) He makes a bunch of assumptions about the woman (a completely different creature to him).

3) He doesn’t look like he ever had enough compassion towards her.

Back to you, Bernadette…

First of all, I thank you for asking direct and succinct questions. This is great and easy for me to read!

I do have a question for you though…

What makes you think HE felt you were a good woman?

Is it because he invited you to live with him? Is it because he asked you to be his ‘girl’?

There’s a difference between feeling like he has a convenient partner and feeling like he has a good woman.

And then it’s a whole other WORLD to feeling like he has a woman who is ‘wife material’.

It seems all so confusing, doesn’t it? Why did he ask you to be his girl, invite you into his home, and then randomly disappear?

How frustrating and confusing.

But here’s the funny thing…if I was you, I wouldn’t feel so upset about this. Why? Because if I was you, I’d see that you were playing the exact same game as he is. You were both playing the game of ‘what can I TAKE from this person?’

He told you nice things to your ears, invited you in, and all these things seem like a commitment, is that right?

Well, maybe he was at one stage being somewhat committed. Maybe. But here’s the thing about men…

The smart ones (most of them are reasonably smart when it comes to giving up their precious time, money, and single status)…they suddenly become VERY cautious. VERY scared.

Did you care about him?

I’m not sure if I believe that you cared THAT much.

You say: “please help he was good to me

I’m assuming you mean….”he seemed close to committing to a relationship with me and giving up everything he ever knew to be with me. OMG what happened to that? I wanted his commitment? I thought I was worthy of his commitment?!”

Well…were you good to him?

Do you think washing the dishes and cleaning is being good to him?

And by being ‘good’, I really mean:

Did HE perceive VALUE in what you were doing for him?

It’s an interesting question worth asking yourself.

After all, aren’t these questions you would like a man to ask himself about YOU? Wouldn’t that be nice?

It’s a much braver question to ask yourself than “why did he give ME such and such” (or a few different variations of the same question).

And doing the cleaning and washing doesn’t make you wife material.

A few things that make you wife material is how much light and dark feminine energy you show up with. Whether you are both of these energies across the spectrum.

What matters is whether YOU have the kind of feminine energy he would commit to.

Sure, cooking and cleaning might give a woman a few more points in a man’s mind. But the men who are the most sensitive to their wife’s needs and the most in love and the most in tune with their wife MIGHT even wish she didn’t do it and rather he paid a cleaner to do it for them. Why? Because a woman is more free when she doesn’t feel like she constantly MUST clean.

It’s fine if she’s happy cleaning and cooking. But it’s when it all gets too stressful that you can’t be feminine (instead, you’re more uptight and rigid and angry about the dirt and dust and the lack of ready-made meals)…that men tend to see that perhaps you’d be better having it done for you.

If you want to check out the list of our programs and find the program that would suit your situation best, click here. 

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Anita
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Anita

OMG, what a great reply.
I don’t think her emotions were that involved tbh and she doesn’t seem very heartbroken. The guy should have been more upfront, but on the whole lucky escape for him and maybe her.

practicalh
Guest

Thanks for the great article, Renee. As Nia suggests above, we must not confuse what’s necessary with what’s sufficient. It’s great if a woman can cook and clean, but that alone does not make her special to a guy and that, without more, will not make him want to stick around. Speaking of which, I am sure you have read “Why Men Love Bitches”. I agreed with a few parts, but found much of the message to be damaging to women. I would be great if you could write an article with your thoughts on that book and the ideas… Read more »

Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
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Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

Can you expand a bit on what parts you agreed with and what parts you found ‘damaging to women’?

I have that book & think it’s great, i.e. not being a people-pleaser, I thought resonates with Renee’s message, plus she’s got that book on her list of books for women!

But I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!

Melinda
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Melinda

I have someone I meet in college. I moved to Memphis not knowing anyone who lived there and had only made a few friends while I was there. One friend in particular that I still keep in contact with after 5 years of me graduating. I’m now living in Nashville and I always invite him to come see me. He doesn’t want to come to Nashville so I tell him I’ll come see him, but he doesn’t want me to come see him until he gets his own place. This ‘friend’ is always selling me dreams about us moving to… Read more »

Brande
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Brande

Hi Melinda – (I wrote the Letter that started this) I feel from what i have learned from Renee and the other bloggers is you need to make your own stability and happiness. Do Not leave those things up to anyone. Move on and if he really wants you to come to see him, he will ask – but by that time you might have someone who is ready for you now!

Lindsay
Guest
Lindsay

What I’ve found is that if a man wants to see you, he will see you and there will be no stopping him. If he wants to be with you he will be no matter what. When I first met my fiance (online) he lived nearly 3 hours away from me. He drove to see me 2-3 times a week despite his busy (six days a week) work schedule, even if all we got to do was spend a few hours together. He would drive to see me, spend the night, and drive to work the next morning 3 hours… Read more »

Anais
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Anais

Hey Melinda “He doesn’t want to come to Nashville so I tell him I’ll come see him, but he doesn’t want me to come see him until he gets his own place. This ‘friend’ is always selling me dreams about us moving to a city where we can be serious with each other and he even talks about a family with me. ” Men’s “future talking” is annoying, lol, trust me I know. Don’t get sold on his words, get sold on his actions. He likes you to some degree. Men aren’t as black and white as some advice out… Read more »

Myview
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Myview

First off if a guy asked me to move in with him after THREE WEEKS I would raise an eyebrow or a couple of brows. No thanks.

Melinda
Guest

Thanks Brande!! You are absolutely correct. I will do that and I haven’t even contacted him since I wrote to you. So I’m already moving forward! 🙂

Brande Love Peoples
Guest

GREAT, KEEP IT UP!!

glory
Guest
glory

hey Renee, as I see this is your newes article, so I’m asking you here…you have great advices and I found it very very helpful to me! so what do you think about writing one post about importance of ELOQUENCE and becoming more eloquent women? My self-esteem and self-confidence is very low ’cause I know so little facts and have pretty small number of topics I can talk about…and reason is my bad memory…I can’t remember anything! SO…how much is that important to men? I guess a LOT…what do you think, how can I compensate that, whith which qualities? P.S… Read more »

francesanne
Guest
francesanne

Dearest Glory; Men DO NOT count eloquence as something that draws a woman the ‘facts’ or ‘figures’. Facts and figures is what men talk to each other about. What you don’t seem to realize is that your lack of being able to talk about alot of different subjects in substantance terms is an advantge to you because what you have instead is charming and endearing. What men are drawn to are your feminine qualities–your softness, your feelings, your innocence. THAT is where your elequence serves you. Your ability to flirt, to openly and verbally show love, to compliment when it’s… Read more »

Anais
Guest
Anais

^While I agree men don’t fall in love with you because of your smarts and knowledge of “facts and figures”, it does help to be passionate and know about something. Glory,I recommend finding a hobby that you enjoy. It doesn’t have to be something HE enjoys but it should fill you up. It all begins with the emotional attraction but most men these days want to be able to connect emotionally ,spiritually physically and mentally. I don’t believe the school of thought you have to be into a “feminine” hobby or that if you have one common interest you can… Read more »

dora
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dora

Oh… with a man like that, i guess i would be gone the very moment he said he wants me out.. Not a minute later!!!

Brande P
Guest
Brande P

Hey Guy- I am the one who wrote the letter! WOW- I am speechless, the article and the comments gave me the insight I needed. I have been battling this for 8 years now. I lose identity In a relationship and my life becomes his life. The reason is because I move to where the guy lives. My previous ex was from Virginia- I moved there. Once we broke up, I met this guy and moved to another city in Virginia. I constantly keep starting over. This is my cycle/pattern. When i listen to a guy, I try to give… Read more »

francesanne
Guest
francesanne

Brande: The first thing that you need to realize is that this man is an alcoholic. That’s who he’s having a relationship with; not you. All male alcoholics are feminine energy. All female alcoholics are male energy. This man is incapable of GIVING to you as masculine energy because his is RECEIVING from you–which is feminine. That made you the masculine energy in this relationship–protecting and providing. That may be hard for you to swallow; but sit with it for a while and you’ll realize it is the hard truth. You served him for as long as he want to… Read more »

brande
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brande

– fracesanne, I am working on learning myself and how to think about me first. My mom is a therapist and she said the same about mr.x addictions. Thank you for your reply, I need the straight truth. Oh, I have learned my lesson!. I realized I expect more from others and less from myself. Also I am taking the time to learn me, because ive always been in a relationship- learning the other person. Its all coming together. TIME AND PATIENTS! THANK YOU this really helped

Anais
Guest
Anais

Men who move too fast often lose interest especially when the woman don’t slow them down a bit. The whole thing just seems too fast.. 3 weeks and she’s “his girl”? TWO MONTHS later and she moves in? Personally I wouldn’t move in with a man unless he was my fiance or husband, but even so two months is a really short time to be dating before agreeing to play house. A real relationship and commitment usually need more time than that to develop. Sounds like they were both rather infatuated with each other but there was no real connection.… Read more »

Fab
Guest
Fab

The same story happened to me!! I met a guy online, a couple of months later he asked me to move in and I wanted to show how grateful I was by cooking and cleaning, etc. He pulled away and broke up with me! I asked him why, he said that I acted like a wife too soon. What I understood was that I wasn’t the attractive, independent, strong woman anymore. I made him my life! So I asked him for sometime to find a new place to move out, and changed my behaviour! I stopped cleaning and cooking, started… Read more »

Dora
Guest

Hello Renne & All the Team, I Love reading almost everything in here. It’s really Inspiring! Bernadette asks “Why did he have to LIE to get away? (he said he felt bad when he would leave me and go out)” Well in this point i guess (from the data we have – not much) that he did not lie Just to get what he wanted. I see it from a different angle. I feel like he was AFRAID of being himself around you, Bernadette. I feel like this is the Crucial Point. He was AFRAID to be himself – probably… Read more »

Peter
Guest
Peter

I must say that as a guy I disagree with a lot of the discussion on this topic including the author. What value did the women bring to the relationship – other than some minor chores and sex. What value did she place in herself? I never heard anything about her, only about him. What did she do to make her life better and more fulfilling? once again only about him. If all she brings to the table is some chores and sex, she shows no value in herself and she makes no effort to grow and have a independant… Read more »

chanel
Guest
chanel

peter, everything you are saying is pretty much what Renee is saying

Mona
Guest
Mona

I agree with you Chanelq

Serena
Guest
Serena

I think you should consider re-reading this article 🙂

Oscar.A
Guest

Yeah. Peter perhaps you should re-read the article even though I agree with you that- does seem kinda one sided. All my points I was going to make, were invariably contained in this article but I will add some points in my own that could possible help people, I do sympathize with her plight. It could be emotionally devastating for her: 1) Moving in with someone in the most huge step! In the relationship major decisions like these usually take a lot of reconsidering. In your shoes, obviously you were willing to go above and beyond which is great! But… Read more »

Mona
Guest
Mona

“Nothing is more sexually attractive than a woman who is motivated or dedicated to something other than the relationship itself.”
I was aware of that concept before, but it’s great to have it all summed up in one sentence, thanks!

Naara
Guest
Naara

Wow!!! You have touched some pretty common mistakes we women assume. You see from a ladies point of view, sometimes when really in love you may be tempted to want to give up your whole life for the guy, I can just imagine how scary that is for a young man especially due to the huge responsibility that comes with it.

Eren
Guest
Eren

Hi Renee, No, I don’t believe he loved her. I believe that he was intrigued in the beginning. He may have loved what she had to offer him. But unfortunately she made it too easy for him. She didn’t give him the opportunity to work for it. I hate to say it was her fault why he didn’t fall in love with her. But it kind of is. Not that I think it’s right. We just can’t change the way a man thinks. Unfortunately they like a chase. A man can’t resist a woman that beats him at his own… Read more »

francessanne
Guest
francessanne

This girl hasn’t learned the difference between acting like a wife and actually being one. What she PERCEIVES as being value to him (cooking, cleaning and having sex)and what he needs his wife to be are two very different needs. I do believe that she was ‘too available’. Men NEED competition in their lives–including needing to compete for a woman’s hand in marriage. Had she not moved in and acted like more like the maid than a woman worthy of HIS choice to give up his bachelorhood and take on the responsiblity of a wife and children, his choice to… Read more »

O.A
Guest

i must say as a guy. I think you know exactly what your talking about francessanne. “you be knowin”

francesanne
Guest
francesanne

Thank you so much for saying so! It’s taken a lot of soul searching to realize that women of older generation really had it right when it came to understanding men and the role they needed to bring to the table in order to have a successful relationship. Our mothers either didn’t have the time or inclination to teach us how to be complimentary to a man’s needs and wants. They unwittingly taught us that we can have it all if ‘we go for it’ but didn’t teach us that ‘the go-for-it boundary’ stopped at a relationship. It’s ALWAYS a… Read more »

Mona
Guest
Mona

I don’t think women of past generations knew better about men and relationships, I think they often stayed together for economic reasons and because divorce was frowned upon, to put it mildly. Sure people fell in love then just as they did these days, but the opportunity to actually marry them was a luxury, while today romantic love is the main reason why people want to get married. Today’s economy and society encourages to split up as soon as the relationship isn’t 100% perfect anymore, so information like this page is needed to help to encourage long term relationships.

Mona
Guest
Mona

*as they DO these days*

cns
Guest
cns

This reminds of the old saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” I feel bad for young ladies who fall for this trick. Most men will try this just to get home cooked meals, a clean house and sex at will but ladies have got to learn not to fall for this. I think that women are afraid that if they decline his offer of “shacking up” the guy will breakup with them. Well in a lot of cases the guy will break up with you either way. So do you want to get… Read more »

Dakota
Guest
Dakota

Does this have anything to do with Khloe and Lamar??? Am wondering bc I was thinking about this today..doing everything for your man is NOT a guarantee for a happy relationship.

elisha street
Guest
elisha street

I’ve never felt so free as when I became (not a wife) I would much rather be a concubine than a wife! It is very stress full, I was a wife for 25 yrs. I would never consider moving in with ( one of my guys) even if I could.( there all married)married men love me! They all say wish my wife could be like you…your so free! There is something very binding about becoming a wife..it is a freedom issue ..they don’t have me ( an know they never will) so they want me ..I know that the minute… Read more »

Maya Pinyon
Guest
Maya Pinyon

But when you are old, less attractive and no man wants your slutty self, then what?

Chanel
Guest
Chanel

Renee, thank you for keeping it real with your articles. Everytime I find myself falling victim to old relationship fears, I come to your website to set my head right again. A few years ago I could have easily been the girl who wrote this email, but because of you, I have seriously turned my dating life around and would never fall victim to this type of situation again. Right now I am going through a few bumps in the road with my man, mainly because I think he has hit that point in our relationship where he needs to… Read more »

jmc
Guest
jmc

she really didn’t give him an opportunity to miss her! Or all the things she was doing.

Allie
Guest
Allie

Thanks, Renee, for this article! This was very helpful and timely. Than you for helping me think outside the box. I’m really glad I found your website, this is rare and so good 🙂

Holly
Guest
Holly

Hello dear Renee 😀 I hope that your doing well within yourself 🙂 Please Say hello to Jenni for me :-), she’s lovely and helped me out at a major crisis time in my life. She replied to an email of mine whilst you were on maternity leave. At the time I was in the process of receiveing psychological help from a psychologist but couldn’t cope with the whole thing and she helped me out right at the time I needed it most, so thankyou once again to Jenny. On a positive note, my psychology sessions have just ended this… Read more »

Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
Guest
Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

“I thought No, in a way that I’d say to my daughter if she was about to do something wrong.”

Can you clarify what you meant by this a bit more? I don’t get the connection between what the man did for the woman in that show, and a relationship to your daughter? A romantic relationship is a totally different way of relating than parent-child.

Maybe I’m just reading this wrong?

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