My assistant Jenny forwarded me this question the other day:
“I met my guy in Feb 2013 from Okcupid. In March 2013 (3weeks later) he asked me to be his girl. In April 2013 he asked me to move into his house. Aug 3, 2013, he broke up with me.- I cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, etc. I am wife material I know that much. Around May he started to back off, but I did not see the signs because I was still on a love high. Questions-
Why would he give up a good woman? (he said I am everything he has been looking for)
Was I to available and what exactly does that mean? (he said I was a little clingy but he understood I was in a new area)
Why did he have to lie to get away? (he said he felt bad when he would leave me and go out)
Why does he still want me even though he doesn’t want me?
When he broke up with me – he said he is not ready for a relationship and he is depressed and doesn’t know what he wants.
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS FOR YOU I WOULD LIKE TO CALL YOU AND PICK YOU MIND IVE PRINTED AND READ ALL OF YOU STORIES I DONT NO WHY I WANT HIM BACK – HE WAS GOOD TO ME PLEASE HELP”
I’ll answer your questions and then give you further illustrations at the end.
“Why would he give up a good woman?”
There are a few possibilities as to why:
1) He liked you a lot, and genuinely felt you were wonderful, but was too scared to commit (or didn’t have enough reasons to commit). And what you had to offer wasn’t what HE needed in order to overcome his commitment resistance.
2) He told you what you wanted to hear (you’re “everything he ever wanted”) because he knows that we CAN fall for a man’s words, rather than his actions…all so that he could have the convenience of having a girlfriend and regular intimacy until he got sick of it. Even better if you live there and took care of the cleaning and he didn’t have to work that much for the good company and sex.
3) You were his ‘One of Many’ rather than ‘The One.’ My husband David teaches about this very important insight about men in our Commitment Control 2.0.
You rather be ‘The One’ than be Wife Material
And on that topic…the truth is that David and I believe that you rather be ‘The One’ and learn how to show up as ‘The One’ than just ‘wife material’…wife material is ok…you can sort of take it as a compliment, but it is like the ‘level down’ from being ‘The One’…because when you’re ‘The One’, the man is madly in love with you…not just ticking off the boxes that say you COULD be good for marriage.
When you are ‘The One’, there’s no choice but to have you be his one and only woman for life…marriage comes easy for you then.
Were you too available and what exactly does that mean?
This is irrelevant. Being too available is not an issue if two people are falling in love (which I don’t believe you both were, from the information I have). Do you ever see two madly in love people counting the minutes and days they spend with each other and obsessing over not being too available?
Or is that more for people who feel like the relationship is not secure, so they resort to fantasizing about whether they were too available so they can justify why the relationship didn’t turn out to be what they wanted in their fantasy land?
I don’t believe that being too available is the question. (See my article on being taken for granted)
I believe the better question to ask yourself is this:
“Did I add value to that man’s life? Or was I giving whatever I assumed would be valuable to him without even questioning if it was High Value in his mind?”
Why did he have to lie to get away?
I’m not sure how he tried to get away or what you mean EXACTLY….
But the answer is because people will lie to get what they want, if they developed any brains at all while they were growing up, most of us have the ability and the ‘smarts’ to do this when we want something.
Does this mean he had to be so immature about it? No, not at all. What he did was NOT right.
But it is what it is. You have permission to hate him for it.
Why does he still want you even if he doesn’t want you?
Well, you haven’t given much specific information here.
But my answer is because humans are full of contradictions inside. We fear success, but we want it. We want a relationship, but we’re not willing to be vulnerable. We want to lose weight, but it’s much more comfortable to eat instead of exercise whenever we think “I really SHOULD lose some weight”.
What you guys had together sounded too convenient for both of you. He got intimacy and good company. You got a good company, intimacy and some hope that you guys might be in a committed marriage or relationship sometime soon.
This is NOT the best way to start off a long-term relationship.
It just seems like you both went into it to take something. More specifically, something that felt convenient at the time. It doesn’t sound passionate or loving at least by the way you’ve described it. That’s a WARNING sign that it’s that kind of relationship where you both just entered with transactions in mind.
Relationships shouldn’t be transactions..think about when you’re in love. When you’re in love you don’t ‘count’ how much you’re getting back or say ‘well if you’re not gonna commit to marriage I’m not gonna commit to regular sex with you’. You only do that when you want each other for something – sometimes people just use each other.
Again, that’s not right or wrong. It is just what it is. People do what they need to do to get by in this life…it’s not always pretty.
You do have a choice though. What I do here is I encourage you to want the best and be High Value. Only THEN do you get to CHOOSE from the best men and not try to settle for men who run away at the slightest mention of responsibility!
As for any further insight into what else COULD have been happening with you guys based on the little information that I have…here’s what I have to say…
I’ll give you a quick illustration.
You meet a guy.
You date him for 2 months.
You decide not to have sex with him until you’re comfortable.
By the end of the 2 months, you both still haven’t had sex and you break up with him.
He then asks an imaginary mutual friend of the both of you these things:
“Why didn’t she have sex with me?”
“I know I’m hot enough, I make enough money, and have a big enough dick for her to sleep with me, that’s for sure.”
“PLEASE HELP SHE WAS GETTING WARM AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME BUT SHE NEVER DID.”
Think for a moment. What would you say to this man asking this question?
What would you feel, reading his question?
I’m not sure what you would feel about him exactly, but I could take a few wild guesses if I wanted to. Perhaps you’d open your mouth wide in shock thinking how could he just focus on the sex like that?? Didn’t he even CARE about her?
Yes? No? Do you feel what I feel about this hypothetical man’s questions?
Most women would; at least if they read his questions carefully and thought about the questions.
Women would hate this man’s questions because of a few reasons:
1) He wins the competition for who is Captain Selfish Today.
2) He makes a bunch of assumptions about the woman (a completely different creature to him).
3) He doesn’t look like he ever had enough compassion towards her.
Back to you, Bernadette…
First of all, I thank you for asking direct and succinct questions. This is great and easy for me to read!
I do have a question for you though…
What makes you think HE felt you were a good woman?
Is it because he invited you to live with him? Is it because he asked you to be his ‘girl’?
There’s a difference between feeling like he has a convenient partner and feeling like he has a good woman.
And then it’s a whole other WORLD to feeling like he has a woman who is ‘wife material’.
It seems all so confusing, doesn’t it? Why did he ask you to be his girl, invite you into his home, and then randomly disappear?
How frustrating and confusing.
But here’s the funny thing…if I was you, I wouldn’t feel so upset about this. Why? Because if I was you, I’d see that you were playing the exact same game as he is. You were both playing the game of ‘what can I TAKE from this person?’
He told you nice things to your ears, invited you in, and all these things seem like a commitment, is that right?
Well, maybe he was at one stage being somewhat committed. Maybe. But here’s the thing about men…
The smart ones (most of them are reasonably smart when it comes to giving up their precious time, money, and single status)…they suddenly become VERY cautious. VERY scared.
Did you care about him?
I’m not sure if I believe that you cared THAT much.
You say: “please help he was good to me”
I’m assuming you mean….”he seemed close to committing to a relationship with me and giving up everything he ever knew to be with me. OMG what happened to that? I wanted his commitment? I thought I was worthy of his commitment?!”
Well…were you good to him?
Do you think washing the dishes and cleaning is being good to him?
And by being ‘good’, I really mean:
Did HE perceive VALUE in what you were doing for him?
It’s an interesting question worth asking yourself.
After all, aren’t these questions you would like a man to ask himself about YOU? Wouldn’t that be nice?
It’s a much braver question to ask yourself than “why did he give ME such and such” (or a few different variations of the same question).
And doing the cleaning and washing doesn’t make you wife material.
A few things that make you wife material is how much light and dark feminine energy you show up with. Whether you are both of these energies across the spectrum.
What matters is whether YOU have the kind of feminine energy he would commit to.
Sure, cooking and cleaning might give a woman a few more points in a man’s mind. But the men who are the most sensitive to their wife’s needs and the most in love and the most in tune with their wife MIGHT even wish she didn’t do it and rather he paid a cleaner to do it for them. Why? Because a woman is more free when she doesn’t feel like she constantly MUST clean.
It’s fine if she’s happy cleaning and cooking. But it’s when it all gets too stressful that you can’t be feminine (instead, you’re more uptight and rigid and angry about the dirt and dust and the lack of ready-made meals)…that men tend to see that perhaps you’d be better having it done for you.