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Article updated 2018
Having casual sex encourages women to be afraid to ask for commitment
We want a man’s commitment for a reason.
Don’t short-change yourself.
Because there is so much pressure on women to give up sex easily these days, this is even more reason to resist that push for quick sex from men. Why? Because it’s also a test. Good men also test how easily they can get a woman to have sex with them.
Not having sex for validation and approval, and not having sex indiscriminately, or too early, will set you apart from the crowd.
Just because a man pushes you for sex, doesn’t mean you need to actually give him sex.
What if…he’s not actually looking for sex, deep down?
What if there’s one thing more valuable that you can give him?
And, if you bow down to pressure for the sake of keeping him around, then you’ve just perpetuated the pattern of approval seeking – and in the process, you’ve disallowed another more productive pattern: the pattern of being okay with asking for commitment.
A casual sex culture also breeds women to be afraid of asking for commitment; because they haven’t conditioned themselves to be attuned to how they really feel in their body.
Being expected to give in to pressure to have sex too early drives us further away from the ability to be okay with saying ‘no!’ and to be okay with their own natural resistance to sex with a man.
When we expect women to dish out sex quickly, we lose the responsiveness and emotional sensitivity that we need in order to ask for commitment from men. We trade that responsiveness for approval seeking. But this doesn’t get us more emotional investment and depth from men.
Once you do it, the women around you are also given the message that it’s okay to tolerate superficiality in men, and in ourselves.
Is the “image” of having a man, really worth selling your soul for?
Don’t put your heart’s deepest desires on the back burner, and pretend your emotional needs and wants don’t exist (or don’t matter) – for the sake of getting “some kind of” relationship. I know sometimes it helps to just have a man “around”; but never forget your heart’s desire for a man to fall in love with you, and devote himself entirely to you.
If admitting this would make you angry, or cry, then that’s a sign you’re on the right track. It’s when we can’t surrender, that we can’t live.
It’s okay to want to have a man around, but never forget your heart’s yearning.
I’m sure you know that in today’s society, many women are sleeping around because they feel men pressuring them, and they think they have to. Women are also sleeping around because it’s socially encouraged.
But for most of the female population, this is slowly killing their natural radiance inside.
Why? Because it reduces their deeper yearnings to nothing.
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These deeper desires, the aching for a good man’s commitment and love, are covered up with masks such as: “F*** you, I can do with my body whatever I want, it’s MY body!”
But that’s just another way to avoid vulnerability. And we need to practice vulnerability as much as possible.
Many women have a yearning for a deeper love and commitment than they are getting, even in a committed relationship. And I think what we need to do is show women everywhere that this yearning is okay, and that this yearning can be wildly deep and never-ending – leaving us vulnerably aching for more of a man than he might be able to give at times (and this is the way it should be).
We need to be letting ourselves sit with discomfort!
I don’t know when we all decided that discomfort was a bad thing. Why is it bad to save yourself for one man, and allow that yearning and that aching to remind you of what matters, instead of using meaningless fillers in the meantime? Or even just using people to get your sexual needs fulfilled?
Sure, it’s not “wrong”to get your sexual needs fulfilled either…only, it is bad when we forget the desires that lay in our heart.
Making ourselves vulnerable to one man – creating the pure and deep attraction between two vulnerable and tender humans, is the long term game that is worth it.
Remember Felesha Fox? She was the ever so popular main character in PART 1 of this 3- part series. If you haven’t read about Felesha Fox, go and read about her now. She will remind you of why you need to play the long term game in relationships, not just the short term game.
(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)
What ever happened to being loyal?
Whatever happened to loyalty? With women’s demand for equality we have encouraged women and men to stop being loyal. Being loyal is hard work but it gives depth and meaning.
We might hate the pain of yearning for just one man, having sex with only one man (and waiting for him for long periods), especially when he’s busy (making money, travelling, working, meditating or whatever purpose a man has), but it is this yearning that is necessary for getting his commitment; because he sees value in it.
Or wait…do we not care what men see as value anymore?
Do we not care about men, or ourselves and about the emotional connection enough to be loyal?
What we need to consider is that yearning for commitment is okay.
A bit of discomfort and pain is okay. It makes us feel alive.
We don’t have to just go for sexual fulfillment all the time….ignoring deeper emotional needs.
Yearning for a particular man to fill that yearning is okay.
Just like Felesha Fox….the women who use the short term sexual and relational strategy for too long, lose out on the strong connection and commitment that the women who are loyal will gain by exhibiting loyalty.
We’ve been taught for so long that we should be independent, and provide for ourselves, that it’s time we actually took that power of independence, along with the power of our ability to yearn for a masculine man, and used both.
What do women lose through casual sex?
What do women gain through one night stands or casual sex?
Approval. Social acceptance. A notch on their belt. Sexual release. Connection (often not a deep or vulnerable connection)
But what do they lose?
They lose the mystery and the gradual build up of attraction that makes a man and woman deserving of each other’s trust and investment in each other.
I also believe that the short term gratification of quick sex wears away one’s innocence in relationships and capability to be vulnerable.
It also wears away at our capacity to show up in a way that inspires a man to want to connect deeper with us. You want the man to say to you: “If I could have sex with you, I wouldn’t yet because I respect you too much, and you are too nice.” – or something like that.
In the bigger picture, women lose sensitivity to their bodies and they can also lose depth in relationships.
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Being desired is not being loved
Being desired is not being loved. Everybody knows this already.
But it’s not about knowing it. It’s about feeling it.
Feel deeply that being desired is not being loved. It’s important for women, because we tend to confuse the two.
Feel what it’s like to be deeply loved, and be embraced for your soul, for who you are.
This is different from being desired for your great booty.
Our only reliable protection from being used sexually, is our own body and its sensitivity to how much connection and trust there is in the relationship.
Also, attention is not love. We tend to confuse these as well. Attention from a man loving our soul, is love. Attention for the sake of attention, is not love. Any man can easily give away attention to women – and many do, because they know it might get them sex. Men will give you attention to try to get sex from you.
So, again. Feel.
Do you feel this man is loving you? Do you feel that he actually cares? If you don’t, then he probably isn’t loving you, and he probably doesn’t care for you.
Don’t ignore this powerful knowing, delivered to you through your ancestors, from their knowledge over millions of years. Don’t disown this power, for the sake of not having to feel alone, vulnerable, shaky, and scared.
Maybe feeling vulnerable, shaky and scared is the best thing that could happen to you, because suddenly, you are able to connect to the truth. Instead of trying to chase an idea; or chase the image of having a relationship.
To the women who think men care (about the women they have sex with)
Just because a woman would have sex with a man because she cares about him (and desires him), does not mean that men would have sex with her because they care about her (although he might be attracted to her), but not care.
It’s dangerous to confuse men ‘coming on to you’, as being a message that they actually care. It is intuitive for a woman to make this assumption, but it is dangerous.
Sex is just for the sake of novelty for a lot of men; and they have zero care for the woman.
It’s just that a woman would more likely care for a man in order to have sex with him – but we need to be careful with this projected empathy – just because we would care, does not – at all – mean that men would care for us in having casual sex.
You need to get a man invested in you, in order for him to care. Because then, he risks something! And because then, he is connected to you, and you to him.
You can learn more about how to get a man invested in you in our members area here.
Men also don’t HAVE to desire a woman to have sex with her
Do you have to desire the chocolate cupcake in front of you in order to eat it?
Do you have to desire the coffee in front of you in order to drink it?
Do you have to desire the bagel you have for breakfast in the morning in order to eat it?
People eat our of boredom, to cover up difficult emotions.
You can eat the chocolate cupcake simply because the opportunity has presented itself. You can eat it because somebody is pressuring you to eat it. You can eat it out of habit.
You can eat your bagel out of habit, and out of comfort. And because the opportunity presents itself. This is how men can approach sex, too.
Psychologist Pamela Regan studied men and women’s differing reasons for entering into sex with strangers, and men are likely to report these reasons for having sex with a stranger:
“I think that the reason I have engaged in short term sexual encounters is because I can – to prove it to myself and to everyone else….by having sex, I feel like I’ve accomplished a goal.”
“My reasoning at the time was purely physical. Having sex is enjoyable and I was attracted to this person.”
Women mistakenly think that if a man wants to have sex with her, he must desire her. This is not always true.
Of course, many men must desire the woman to have sex with her. I’m not saying that men don’t also feel desire and attraction. I am just sharing with you, HOW men can approach casual sex.
Many men don’t have to desire the woman. All that matters to many men, is that there is a sexual opportunity. Get in, get out. That’s all. It’s important to remember this.
I share this with you in the hope that we can stop projecting our own values on to men’s actions. Men can engage in sex for different (and totally opposite) reasons than us.
What if you enjoy feeling desired, though?
It’s a woman’s birthright to feel desired. Every woman deserves to feel desired!
However, feeling desired is a feeling. It comes and it goes, and during a sex drought, it can easily be forgotten that you once were very desired by many men.
If you’re doing casual sex subconsciously to feel desired; then remember that it is just a feeling you are looking for.
Nothing but a feeling. You are looking to feel important, desirable, loved, worthy and validated. And you can make yourself feel that way easily, without the risk involved in casual sex.
You can feel important, loved, validated, desirable and worthy by going through past memories of moments where you had that feeling.
Often, as humans, we’re very short-sighted and lazy. We forget that we experienced having a particular feeling many times over in the past, and because we never truly treasured those memories, or we never were truly present and grateful for those moments in the actual moment, we end up having to chase the same feeling relentlessly; causing ourselves great suffering.
When we are looking to fulfil a perceived lack, we get stuck there, and we’re on edge all the time, and 10 or 20 years goes by; and we’re still looking to fill the same lack from 20 years ago. It never ends.
Men don’t always need to think a woman is attractive in order to have sex with her. As I’ve mentioned before, men can have sex with a tree. Or sheep, or donkeys.
If a sexual opportunity presents itself, for a lot of men (even the very good looking and high status men) will go for it, because they have nothing to lose.
What biology though?
When I posted briefly about this topic of why women need to be the gatekeepers of sex on the TFW Facebook page, there were a couple of people who commented that my view is the wrong view to have, because it’s slut shaming.
This is not about slut shaming. This is about giving women their power back; and from a place of knowledge, not from a place of anger about how things should be more fair, and that men should act more fairly in dating and relationships.
This is about women having their power back, it’s not about putting on more masks to avoid the truth.
In fact, somebody said that women aren’t the only gatekeepers of sex, and that men should be too. That notion is so called “fair”, but it is un-attuned to the actual situation here.
Not only is it un-attuned, it’s very insensitive and dismissive towards men, and ignorant towards women.
That’s like telling someone they can eat as many chocolate cakes as they want, because they should be able to, and because they can. Whoops, we won’t inform them of the potential effects on their health though.
We can’t say “it’s not fair” when that person eating chocolate cakes in excess starts to feel terrible effects on their health. It doesn’t matter about fairness. Your body doesn’t care about fairness – as is the case with sexual matters. Sex is inherently unfair for men and women.
Teaching women that it’s okay to spread herself far and wide sexually, is as damaging as it can be; but many people are doing it in the name of equality.
Yet by promoting this, we are making things much worse for women. Much less “equal”, and much less “fair”. The game of sex is inherently unfair. And we want to force a naturally unfair process to be artificially fair? As with all things artificial, there’s a high price to pay.
I understand that women are no longer seen as men’s property so we want our bodies to be our own property, but our bodies house a lot of value biologically, and if we give away our value freely, does that raise the value of the body or lower the value?
When we give it away, we trigger men’s biological imperatives too – like his need to run, and his inclination to see us as less valuable and less worthy of his commitment.
Remember the analogy about giving away our house at 1% of the price in PART 1? Even if you take up the deal, you’re afraid of the inherent faults the house may have.
But it’s unreasonable to demand that women be the gatekeepers of sex!
Evolutionary psychologist Martie Haselton found that men with more sexual partners experienced a sharp decline in how sexually attractive they found their partner immediately following intercourse; yet neither women nor men with less sexual partners experienced this decline.
And we still want men to be gatekeeper of sex? Knowing that men can have this biological response after having sex with us too soon?
Would you still want to transfer responsibility for delaying sex over to men? Knowing this fact?
We let a man whom we don’t trust, into our body – which there is nothing wrong with. However, with that sometimes comes a whole host of possible pain inflicted on us, based on that man’s sexual history (as Martie Haselton’s research shows).
Men’s bodies have deep intelligence, just like women’s bodies
Our bodies know far more than political correctness and equality.
Take a man for example. Biologists have done sperm counts on different ejaculates from men.
They found that when he’s been away from his woman on a long trip and he returns, his sperm count increases up to 300% (just to compete with the potential sperm his woman could have “let in” while he was away).
This is a man’s body we’re talking about, too. A man’s body even knows to do this – and even if a man logically trusts a woman, his body doesn’t. On a biological level, anyway.
This is to say that a woman’s body knows more, and has a much longer history of knowing, than any social construct of fairness. A feminist’s nightmare, but it’s true.
So even though we might think that fairness is something to aim for, and that sexuality should be “equal”, when one has casual sex, our bodies know we interconnected with a man, that we let his penis in, and once that penis is let in, we risked something grave: the inherently risky task of bearing a child, breastfeeding it, and rearing it.
Again, we can’t play with fire and expect not to get burned.
There’s no going around this, although I do acknowledge that there are women who are exceptions.
There’s nothing wrong with sleeping around, and you deserve not to be judged for your actions, but we can’t say “go away” to some biological imperatives without that having a huge cost on our dating future.
Nobody wants to be accountable in today’s world
So we want men to be the gatekeepers of sex?
We live in a strange world, where people everywhere are demanding political correctness. Demanding fairness. Demanding equality. But nobody wants to be the accountable one. Nobody wants to take responsibility for their own actions and for the situation at hand. Everyone wants to point the finger.
I think a lot of us watch too much tv, and fulfill our needs in low quality ways, because we’ve become so averted to taking responsibility in our own life. Our culture encourages us to not take emotional responsibility – and to not think critically.
But it’s a powerless thing to throw responsibility to men for sex.
Isn’t it true that people who refuse to take responsibility always find themselves in powerless situations?
So of course, with so little power, what’s our best weapon to use to get our way? Anger, blaming others, and telling others to take responsibility so that we don’t have to feel our pain and be accountable.
With responsibility comes power. The more we take responsibility, the more power we have.
The more we blame, get angry and divert the responsibility away from ourselves, the more powerless we become. This is what I believe. How about you?
To end this series on the secret cost for women when they have casual sex, I want to give you an action step; a method to go by in dating, from now on.
Have a “time rule” for how much time must pass before having sex
Casual sex leaves women vulnerable to deception.
This is because not enough time passes for the woman and man to test each other, to learn the truth about each other’s dating situation, and to show their true colours.
When a woman decides “I’m okay with having sex on the first date”, she is entering interesting territory.
The less “time” you allow to pass before getting involved sexually, the more you risk you take if you are a woman, and the less you risk if you are a man.
I suggest that we consider changing our rule to “I’m okay with having sex with a man once there is a comfortable level of trust built up between us”. Or “I’m okay with having sex with a man when there is a decent amount of emotional attraction built up first”.
And if you’re really old fashioned like me, then maybe you’d want a specific time period to pass before considering sex – which is a fantastic way to test a man’s true intent.
Should you have a “time rule”?
A “time rule” is when you decide that you will have sex with him only after a certain time period. You don’t have to voice this time period to him, but you also can voice it to him if you feel it is appropriate at the time.
You can give it a minimum time of 6 weeks, all the way up to 6 months. It also depends on how much time you spend together with him. If you spend everyday together for 6 weeks, then you will probably have the opportunity to build up trust or emotional attraction faster.
If you only see each other once a week, or once every 2 weeks, then 6 months might be a very good time frame.
The time frame between meeting and having sex is important because…
Short term involvement allows more deception to occur
Casual sex, or sex that happens too quickly – allows more deception to occur. Again, Women risk more by having sex faster, and men risk less. It’s the opposite for the sexes, not the same! As many people would like it to be. This is not equal playing ground.
If a woman decides that her rule is she’s an easygoing woman who doesn’t mind getting into bed quickly, then she leaves herself open to the full spectrum of men’s deception strategies.
What are these deception strategies? LOTS. When the opportunity for casual sex presents itself, men have the most colourful and successful tactics for getting what they want; because casual sex has such great value for them.
What are men’s deception tactics to get easy sex?
Pretending he is single.
Pretending he doesn’t have any children.
Pretending he is ambitious when he’s a lazy bum.
Pretending he’s interested in her emotionally (feigning an emotional connection)
Lying about his earnings.
Lying about his assets.
Faking confidence (real confidence reveals itself over time).
Faking good intentions.
Lying or not revealing what happened in his past relationships.
Men can create all sorts of things to give themselves a great image. I’ve known men to go to great (fake) lengths to seem ambitious, altruistic, caring and committed.
If it seems too good to be true, then wait.
If you think he seems like a dick-schwat, wait.
If you feel stressed and pressured, wait.
If you’ve only known each other for one hour, wait.
And pause. Take a pause, if it doesn’t feel right. And pause for as long as you bloody well want.
Here is part 1 of this series: The Secret Cost For Women When They Have Casual Sex
And here is Part 2.
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