Firstly, please don’t be fooled by the flashy title. I’m not encouraging women to play dumb, be in a ‘housewife’ role, or be helpless and have no opinions. Being submissive to a man is not about that at all. I’m also not encouraging women to be submissive all the time – being submissive is just another role than a woman can take up every now and then in her relationship.

The reason I’m talking about being submissive is because it can bring more passion, strength and life to a relationship, if it’s received by a man with love and respect.

Being submissive is NOT something that you do with an abusive man.

It is just another part of you that you might want to bring out sometimes.

Being submissive – whether in a joking or serious way can awaken the most masculine yet tender character in a man. Submission is almost never about admitting you’re ‘wrong’, ‘incapable’ or ‘weaker’ than a man. Being submissive just allows for a man to feel more like a man around you, and – as a result, have that extra bit of passion (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

And, part of being in touch with your femininity is feeling all the different parts of yourself that you can feel in your body – and how to ‘go there’ when you need to. Submission is a part of learning to become more feminine as well.

So, the question of how to be submissive leads me to bringing up some things that you will need to understand and therefore be able to be submissive at times.

The ‘how’ will come to you through understanding of the reason behind it. Our society has encouraged women to keep their guard up, wear masks (instead of being comfortable in their feminine core/essence), be ‘right’ all the time, and be like steel in the face of conflict.

Opening up

I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll mention it again – that a man really wants his woman to be open to him, and to let him in (emotionally, mentally, sexually, spiritually). The problem with the way we’re educated (or not educated) at school, is that it’s turned a lot of women in to these intensely dominating creatures that completely emasculate the men around them. (read my article about learning how to be open)

The problem with this is that, in the face of conflict in a relationship (there always IS conflict and always will be, it’s natural and good) women use these steel masks to cover up the natural parts of themselves that would come out when in moments of connectedness with a man.

Women can feel the MOST vulnerable.

As a result, they have to use masks more than anything, to survive in a world that doesn’t honour sensitivity – and that’s sensitivity to how people are treating us, how others feel, how we feel and honest feedback.

Our society seems to value being socially acceptable. There’s nothing wrong with that – until we’ve practised it so long that we bring the same need to be ‘acceptable’ and fake in our intimate relationships.

In the face of conflict, a woman can decide to open up to her man and remove the mask. Decisions shape your future, and it’s as simple as making a decision, and focusing on the positives of doing this rather than the comfort of doing things the same way you always have.

Let him in and try to let him take the lead – try to trust him even when it feels unfamiliar.

(Sorry for the generalisations – but for the purpose of this post, they are useful).

The truth is, in general, men are built naturally stronger than women.

And, they operate differently to women mentally too (think about a woman’s handbag, and how she magically fits in the contents of an entire HOUSE in it; versus a man who only carries a wallet with a few cards and some money; men are much simpler and women are much more complex and thoughtful creatures).

Deep down, all women have vulnerabilities and deep fears and feelings of uncertainty, especially in the face of violence. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

A trustable man wants you to show him this!

It’s a simple word of ‘I am afraid’ or ‘this scares me.’


The trends in our society have also lead women to become less trusting of men; one feminist even claiming that ‘all men are rapists’. *raises eyebrows*.

But, every day there are men being heroic and standing up for what is right, and protecting and taking care of people.

Being submissive is also about trusting your man enough to let him show you the way sometimes.

And, asking him for help. Or asking him for his opinion, or asking him for solutions.

Many men who are in touch with their masculinity at their core would jump at the chance to help a woman with something – really! It makes him feel needed, and useful. Not to mention manly 🙂

So, ask him for help even with the smallest things like bringing the shopping in, opening a jar, carrying something heavy, undoing a knot, etc. Give him trust where you know it is deserved, and do it without question.

The masculine energy wants to be trusted. If you doubt your man all the time, it feels hurtful.

He wants to have good direction to add to your life – to be trustworthy to you, but if there’s a cycle of your not being willing to trust him, it makes it hard for him to BECOME more trustworthy, as each mistrust is possibly stripping him of hope.

Have you seen men with their little girls/daughters? They don’t want to let ANYTHING hurt their little girl! The same goes with their wife or girlfriend, if only she could show a little innocence and submission like a child might – looking up to him as the leader.

No masculine man wants to fail at leadership. (read my article about making a man succeed)

Ability to be uncertain

This is where being submissive is especially powerful and strong, on the woman’s part. To be submissive, a woman has to be ok with  being uncertain.

She has to let her guard down, peel off the mask and look of ‘steel’  and be free. Just look to your man as a possible source of strength for you when you might need it.

This is incredibly strong from a woman’s part.

A lot of people think that by not trusting people, they are being strong, independent and smart.

But, where does a lack of trust get us, really?

It gets us a whole world of pain, that’s what it does. We walk around, holding ourselves back, not able to be free and to let go, and to fully enjoy what life has to offer, and not able to give people a chance to show their better side (often if you trust someone, they want to please MORE, as I was saying above about not trusting a man and how this can sometimes push him to betrayal). (read my article about a strong woman)

The happiness and freedom you are able to experience in your life now, and in the future is in DIRECT PROPORTION to the level of UNCERTAINTY you can comfortably handle.

The same goes with your intimate relationship! The quality of your relationship with your man is in direct proportion to the level of uncertainty that you can handle.

(please see this post on ‘is he Mr. Right?‘ for more information).


Part of knowing how to be submissive, and knowing that it doesn’t mean you are inferior is understanding that by surrendering to a man’s leadership and strength at times, you allow your relationship to flow, be real and just be free. Without so much pent up anger and negative association that plagues many modern marriages and relationships.

Men can grow to resent a woman who is always fighting to be more like men.

As my reports ‘What Men Think(tm)’ reveal, most men who took part in the survey indicated that they most respected and admired a woman who was comfortable with her femininity and able to let her guard down, thereby letting him in: being open to him. Making a man’s role real and worthy.

Also, being able to surrender shows that you have plenty of self confidence, esteem as a woman (not having to prove yourself and be in CONTROL all the time).

The root of our conflict with men is not being able to understand them. If you want to gain more understanding of men, Click here to check out more information of our popular program Understanding Men.

There is a follow-on post related to this one, please see ‘Surrendering to Masculine Energy‘ 🙂

I hope you enjoyed this. Any concerns or thoughts, be sure to let me know! 🙂




  • Ashley says:

    Amen! I read this and you are so right!

  • Lainey says:

    … Being FEMININE has absolutely nothing to do with being submissive. And being MASCULINE has nothing to do with being dominant….
    A woman can be strong, assertive, competent, and confident, without being “manly.” And a man can be understanding, kind, and more of a thinker than a doer, without being “emasculated.” You are defining such old, old gender roles, and while they are still clearly present in today’s society and media, there is no biological or psychological reason that a certain gender has to act a certain way.
    Yes, I am about 5 feet and 2 inches tall. I run my own business, and I get things done. I know how to run operations, and I’ve been quite successful. Yet, I don’t go out being a “bitch,” like you said… An competent woman is called a bitch, but a confident man is called an innovator…Do you see the disconnect? I like to pamper myself with beauty products and clothes (and shoes!!!), that I can buy with my own money..
    And you know what? My husband is PROUD of me. He is a forensic scientist, and makes just as much money as I do. He is smart, touch, and he works out, goes out with the guys, and does everything the stereotypical man does. But when something goes wrong, he knows that he has me to help him.. He doesn’t have to play the hero, or do everything himself, because I can help him, or do it myself. I don’t play manipulative mind games with him, or pretend to be a docile little puppet to please him.
    I am strong, able, and a woman.. I am a great asset to the ‘team’ that is our couple, instead of the childlike doll that your article expects… You should not have to be dominated, and neither should he, you should complement each other in a way that benefits both of you, and puts NEITHER of you down to a lower status than the other.
    Ladies, you deserve partners that love you and bring out the best in you.. And if they aren’t you should find a way to communicate that to them, without playing mindgames or hiding behind masks.
    Men, you deserve partners that love you and bring out the best in you. Keep your standards realistic and unselfish, and remind her, and yourself, that a relationship is not a one way street. Communicate your needs to your partner without manipulating them.

    • Candy says:

      THIS. What about men lowering their guard?
      Don’t tell me how to be feminine. I’m not going to revert to being a little girl to please anyone. I’ll let him do the heavy lifting. I’ll trust him with my thoughts. He should too.

  • Michelle says:

    I wish I could be submissive, but my husband wants me to take care of everything…bills, work, kids, house work, dinner, cleaning, etc. It is very little he takes on. It gets on the way of his comfort levels. He likes everything in order with very minimal effort. Even in our intimate times, which are very seldom, he just lays there and expects me to do all the work. If I do not initiate it, he wont. Sometimes I have even not initiated intimacy for weeks and months and he, plain and simple would just not engage on it. I have always taken care of making sure that everything is taken care of. When I dont, things just fall apart. Instead of him stepping up, he downsizes. He will get rid of cable, or let our home go to foreclosure, or eat less, spend less. When money is scarce, he is impossible to be around. This is why I feel I cant “let got” and “be feminine-like” when it comes to responsibilities. I am very feminine though (physically). I am sexy and beautiful. I get compliments on a daily basis from everyone except for him. I have learned to live with it.
    But I dream of a day when I can be completely feminine. 🙂 That would just rule!

  • new to this says:

    I am new to this and actually dont want to come accross as being uneducated, I have spend hours and hours reading and researching this topic,due to advice that the man I have been seeing gave me. At first, I honestly thought that this new found remarkble man was just going to be a sex partner for me to get over a horrible ling relationship. I was so intrigued by his expectations in the bedroom as well as very pleased that i began asking him questions, and to my surprise realized that i wanted nothing more than to give him complete control. But he of course, worried about my feelings and well being wants me to make an educated and informed choice told me to research it fully and then give.him my decsision. My questions are so many that I am afraid that he will get tired of answering them. So, although I realize that every man is different in what they require.fro their woman is there any books you woukd suggest for me to read that i can find and download, or go to the store and buy? Also I am a bartender and have never had the support from a man job that

    • new to this says:

      Sorry didn’t mean to send without completing my statement!!
      As a bartender it has been basically impossible to find someone that is willing to be supportive of my job, but he is completely supportive, I am assuming it is because he is secure enough with himself that he isn’t worried about what my job consist of. So, another question that I have for you is this, he isn’t the “bar” type, doesn’t care for the surroundings, believe it or not, neither do I, but when he tells me to do what I have to, flirt, shake my butt, whatever it takes to make money, do you think that he is actually ok with me flirting with other men? I have noticed that I feel uncomfortable when I flirt, infact, I feel guilty, even though he has told me that he knows and is ok with everything. So, is it time for me to look into a different job, even though there is no way i can make what i do now, or do I just realize that I am no longer dealing with boys, he is with out a doubt a man, and tells me, infact gives me suggestions, on how to make a man tip me more? I guess what scares me is that I have seen friends of mine that think they have found someone that is ok with them being a bartender, but then later on down the road it ends up being too much for the man to deal with. I would never want to disappoint or make my man uncomfortable, or make him second guess any feelings that I have for him. Just so that you know, even before I met him, I never have been “that” bartender…. I dont by any means make anybody think that I am going to go home with them or lead them on in anyway, first and foremost that is very dangerous, and can cause horrible things to occur in the long run. But, just like anyone of my friends that are single bartenders, customers do hit on me, and he actually tells me he expects me to flirt back. Also as a bartender, I have VERY many male friends that I care deeply for, as a friend, and that is all it is for them as well. I just dont know if I am showing him how much I respect him if I continue to have the life style a bartender leads. My schedule is enough for a man to have to deal with, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights until 4 am, leaving only week days to spend time with him, I know it has to get annoying. I just dont want to disrespect him in anyway. And want him to realize that he is more important that the job I am choosing to have at this time in my life. ANY suggestions would be wonderful

  • Ashley says:

    I was raised to be more dominant than submissive. Not until I got married did I understand the importance of submissiveness and femininity. It has made a world of difference in my relationship! My husband becomes stronger and manlier the more I become submissive and feminine 🙂 it’s actually a very interesting dynamic and I love it! I also came across a book called Fascinating Womanhood that radically changed my life. I would definitely recommend checking it out. There are times where I go back to the way I was raised (maybe during arguments for example) and the results are horrible.. We get nowhere and we both end up angry with one another. Just by simply behaving feminine I can diffuse most situations. Men love it, and women can learn a lot about themselves in a truly submissive role.

  • Grace Ortiz says:

    This is a great column. It took me over 9 yrs. to realize I couldn’t be strong all the time for everyone including my husband, once I internalized how much strength it took to keep up that facade I realized I had to let it go and set myself free and it’s ok to lean on my man for support and strength. It has made a world of a difference and because of it no matter what problems or situations we go thru we continue to strive on together. I don’t always have to be the glue.

  • Nurse says:

    Thank you so much. I agree with this 100% I love to be feminine and submissive in my relationship. It feels good to have a man that can lead our family. This is a great article.

  • […] How to Be Submissive for Love | Attraction & Love for Women… and have no opinions. Being submissive to a man is not about that at all… … I reacted partially by becoming a militant manhating lesbian. As i grew older and … […]

  • karen says:

    A recent article by Renee discussed being a “pleaser” as opposed to being a “giver”, which made me think of this article. I think it would too easy to slide into being a pleaser if one doesn’t clearly understand the concept of being submissive. Pleasers are very annoying and Renee discussed how this is not healthy in a relationship and will push a man away. I;m comfortable in a submissive role, but feel it’s important to keep it in perspective, and not try to please him in everything, because that can lead to feeling diminished as a person. I’ve done that in past relationships and it led to severe deppression. When trying too hard to hold on to a relationship causes one to feel worthless and depressed, it’s time to take a second look at it. Perhaps it’s time to move on. No man is worth your loss of self respect.

  • Myrtrice says:

    I found this article to be very enlightening. I thought I was doing to right thing by following my husband’s lead (my idea of submission) only he interpreted it to be a lack of self respect. Gradually his attacks and mood swings caused me to begin taking more responsibility for myself. Something that seemed unnatural in a relationship but seemed to be the best way to avoid pain and quarrels. He would often say he doesnt know what it was that made him so discontented because he lived in paradise and should be happier. I often felt that maybe he was not ready for the responsibility of leading a family. Now he is in a relationship with another person. She doesn’t have a child with him yet, but she seems to be suffering the same way I did. So that leads me to think that it may be difficult to be submissive to some people because they cannot or will not handle it well.

  • muslimah says:

    I just wanted to say that I really liked this post an ive been tryingto find ways to be more womanly for my man and this article gives you simple tips. So thanks for that. Also as a muslim woman I agree that this is a natural way of being as stated by Chrystyana. Since we also believe in the truth of the Bible (which I dont think many people know). We call it ‘fitrah’ a natural way of being. and by nature we meant to be paired just like all creatures have a male and female pair and God wants life to be easy for us so he gave men and women roles so women dont need to be over burdened like u can see in todays society (the whole single mum thing that she pointed out) men arent even marrying anymore and women are doing double the work! Thats not to say women cant work in Islam women can work if they want but they dont Need to coz men are the ones who step up and provide.

    woo went off on a tangent there but i just had to get it out!

    thanks for the article! x

  • Kate says:

    Thank you so much for your article. My husband and I are beginning to understand and explore our relationship that has, unknowingly, been more or less and D/s relationship. Can you suggest any books that will help us understand the psychology behind our dominant/submissive behaviour? Neither of us is in to receiving or giving pain but most texts I find are related to sexual D/s with a heavy emphasis on giving/receiving pain.

    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

  • Gorgonopsid says:

    Equality simply means two properties that are EQUIVALENT; they are the same type and same amount e.g. two biologists in the same field of study and of equal intelligence in that field. Since submission and dominance are not equivalent roles when it comes to leadership, then they are not equal by definition of the word equality. So either you don’t believe in equality of men and women and you do believe submission and dominance roles or you believe in equality and don’t believe in submission and dominance roles; otherwise that is inconsistent. And by the way what is “masculine and feminine energies”; there is no scientific evidence that men or women have fundamentally different psychic energies or that psychic energies even exist; what determines that consciousness is neural electrical impulses in our brains which don’t vary with gender and are different from the idea of psychic energies; which you don’t explain or define at all.

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