Warning: Abuse can be a very serious and very sensitive issue for many women… If you are already in an abusive situation, the perspective of this article may not always serve you, so please take caution in how you interpret this article.
If you are in an abusive situation, then for your sake do everything you can to get out of there if you can. You are too important to be continually subjected to abuse, whether that’s physical, emotional, or sexual.
You can review safety tips and guidelines for addressing an abusive situation, including getting help and support, understanding the warning signs of emotional, physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse, at the following websites.
With that warning out of the way, let’s take a look at this different perspective on why male partners abuse women.
(Because I believe if you want to really fix a problem, you have to understand what this problem really means for all parties involved.)
Abuse is defined as:
‘Use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose, misuse.’ ‘To treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.’
Women Abuse Men Just As Much As Men Abuse Women.
Here’s an inconvenient truth: Women abuse men just as much as men abuse women. Men just don’t always like to talk about it, and women don’t like to admit it.
Perhaps not as much physical abuse as mental and emotional abuse.
We as a society don’t tend to focus on mental and emotional abuse (such as gaslighting for example), because the bruises and scars of emotional abuse are not as obvious and easy to notice.
Not to mention abuse is just as prevalent in same-sex relationships.
I recently received an email from a lady who had been physically and emotionally abused by her girlfriend for over 10 years.
She had gotten herself into a place where she had no perception or concept of what a healthy relationship really is.
She had even asked me whether getting slapped by her partner on a daily basis or getting kicked out of her own home was normal or not.
Needless to say, I told her to get out of there.
If You Are Being Abused As An Adult, But You Can’t Seem To Leave…
As adults, if we are abused by a man once, it may come as a shock.
But if this happens over and over as in a chronic cycle of abuse, we are not only making a choice to stay in that relationship but also we are choosing to reinforce the pattern of abuse.
In other words, we are “helping” the abuser by being in the role of an easy abusee or victim.
I know that kind of sounds bad… and I’m not pointing the finger at you. I’m only saying this because I’ve been through hellish abuse myself and I don’t want you to suffer the same.
I know you too can break the cycle of abuse and create the space in your life to invite healthy and nurturing relationships to enter.
Why Do I Attract Abusive Men?
The million dollar question here is, why do some women attract abusive men?
Or is the better question: why do some women tolerate abusive men?
Really though, think about this: how does a woman get herself in that abusive situation to start with?
One of the biggest reasons I think women get themselves in chronically abusive situations is because they have not been honest and truthful to themselves, or to their emotions.
When we don’t attune ourselves to the real emotional and physical pain that lives inside of us and we simply block it out – then we run the risk of choosing abuse.
We can’t stand up for ourselves if we aren’t able to feel ourselves. We can’t communicate our pain if we don’t let pain surface and be felt.
This is true of both physical pain and emotional pain.
If a man abuses us, and we are repeatedly not attuned and responsive to how his words and actions make us feel – then we are doing ourselves a dangerous disservice. We are choosing abuse and we are choosing the safety of the abusive pattern that we are in.
Any more than once or twice, and if we stay – then we have a bad emotional comfort pattern that favours staying in abusive situations. (The longer we stay, the worse the pattern becomes.)
Should We Just Simply Blame The Abusive Man?
In this society, we typically just blame the man who has been abusive. Fair enough, it’s never OK to abuse another and of course, he should stop. We all need to look after the women and the children of this world.
But simply by shaming and blaming the abuser, this never reduced the incidence of abuse overall. In fact, it may actually make the situation worse for many.
Blaming and shaming never works long term. But it does make people more resentful and create separation in the world.
Not to mention that the woman, (the abusee) will probably continue her pattern of attracting abuse into her life, whether in the form of a new partner or at the work place etc.
Here are the top 3 red flags in dating that you should look out for!
But She Never Asked To Be Abused…
A couple wakes up together in bed at 7am. It’s another work day.
They’ve been together for the last 5 years. Things aren’t great, but they’re not bad enough to do anything about it.
The woman gets up out of bed, yawns and stretches.
The man sits up and says to the woman:
“Have you exercised this morning? what’s that on your face? You need to clean your face, it’s dirty. You smell, wash yourself!”
He’s a little harsh don’t you think?
The woman never asked to be verbally abused like this… but instead of speaking up about it, she rolls her eyes and stays quiet.
She holds her emotions in. She doesn’t want to upset the status quo.
She doesn’t want to “upset” him.
Yet her very behaviour is perpetuating the pattern and cycle of abuse. (This couple had been doing this for the past 5 years.)
Her lack of energy bouncing back at him makes him want to push forward harder.
She betrayed herself by not standing up for herself.
And no, this wasn’t the first time this verbal abuse has occurred.
What If She Was Truthful To Her Feelings?
What do you think would have happened if she didn’t ignore her emotions?
What if she was attuned to how the verbal abuse was making her feel?
What if she broke down crying? What do you think would have happened?
Perhaps the guy would see her vulnerability and it will cause him to either escalate the abuse or become more sensitive. Maybe, if he’s a half decent guy, he’s try to see if she’s ok.
Or perhaps he couldn’t care less and she would finally have enough pain to get out of that abusive relationship.
What if she snapped back at him in anger?
Either way, it would momentarily break the pattern of abuse (as opposed to her just taking it and rolling her eyes).
Either it would force them to mend the pain, or have enough pain to break up and move on.
Becoming Attuned To Ourselves Is Your Gift To Yourself.
Very few of us feel and acknowledge our own power to attune ourselves to how a man’s every word and every action makes us feel.
IF we were to become attuned to all of our feelings, to the inevitable pain or pleasure that a partner’s actions made us feel…then we’d have a higher chance of protecting ourselves from abusive relationships.
Ie: it’s easier to leave when we feel the anger and hurt that someone is causing us, as opposed to pushing it under the carpet.
When we value attunement and embodiment, we’re more like to have said or done something to sever the pattern of abuse. We wouldn’t just “hang around” to keep the status quo.
We are strong when we also attune ourselves to men and are responsive to men’s words and actions.
We are strong when we teach them how to treat us through true attunement in the relationship and true responsiveness in the relationship.
More on attunement and what weakness and strength for a woman is, here.
That problem isn’t necessarily just the obviously abusive partner – it is us who are staying with the obviously abusive partner too.
By choosing to be the one being abused over and over again, we choose our pattern of staying with the abusive person. In turn, we are facilitating the abuse. We are practically “abusing ourselves” by staying.
(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)
What Is The Strong Position To Take That Would NOT Facilitate Abuse?
In every situation there is always a strong position you can take that will result in the best outcome for everyone.
This position isn’t always intuitive, and certainly isn’t always easy. Rather, it requires you to be courageous enough to stand up for yourself.
What if you paused, and let the feelings sink into your body?
And perhaps allow the feelings to travel from your throat, to your heart to your feet… and really feel the hurt on every level possible.
What if you expressed these emotions, from the knots in your belly, to the tears that are buried deep under our masks and shells?
What if this path of feeling pain and opening to pain is the path to ultimate freedom and joy?
But too many of us attempt to push down our emotions, using our logical thinking mind to try to reason everything away.
(Essentially, the woman’s self-esteem lies in the abuser’s hands and she is basically asking for his approval… which again sets up further abuse.)
(The longer we haven’t let our bodies and hearts be vulnerable in a human relationship, the more numb we are to a man’s true intentions). Find out more on how to be strong, feminine and vulnerable here.
What Would Happen If You Held Space For Yourself?
Well, if you not only felt your emotions, but expressed your pain and hurt and stayed with it, (not in retaliation as anger, but just hurt), then one of two things will happen.
- Either the man will respond with more abuse, for which you’d know without a shadow of a doubt that he doesn’t care about you, and that your job is to respect yourself and leave.
- The other possible outcome would be that the man will react to your vulnerability. He would soften in response to your vulnerability and become more caring in that moment.
Either way, it’s much better than holding everything in – because by doing that, we’re facilitating the abuse. Unless of course, you MUST hold everything in so that you can escape a very abusive relationship.
If you’re holding in your emotions every day, if you never hold space for yourself and you let a man get away with saying and doing whatever he wants just so that you can keep the benefits in the relationship, then you really have to ask yourself whether the benefits are worth the price of your ever declining self esteem.
If you’re curious to know whether your man really cares about you, I recommend you read my article on How To Test Him To See If He Cares.
Does He Have Good Intent?
It’s very interesting to understand sometimes why men lash out and abuse in the first place.
Sometimes as women, we don’t really get to see his real intent behind the abuse.
(Of course, every relationship is different, and I’m certainly not defending anyone who is abusive in your life.)
And men might not do this consciously as such but sometimes when men ‘lose it’, despite seeming relatively calm and non abusive in the past, is because he wanted to feel the woman’s trust, devotion, vulnerability and respect towards him.
Sometimes, to a man, reacting in a verbally abusive way or in an emotionally abusive way was the only way he knows how to try to feel her as HIS woman.
Of course, there are so many better ways for any man to create polarity, and break through a woman’s walls.
But it always pays to have a deeper understanding of the world and of the behaviour of people.
Why Are Men Abusive?
The question is: what makes a man abusive?
Interestingly, studies show that low mate value men Are more likely to abuse.
In a study done on men’s mate retention strategies, they found that there was a high likelihood of low mate value men using verbal insults as a high risk (as in, high risk of losing their woman) mate retention strategy.
High mate value men (or men who see themselves as high mate value) just don’t use that strategy. They don’t need to. (They have other value and resources.)
Further studies have also shown that the men with lower mate value are simply more likely to try to keep their woman using abusive strategies (or strategies that cause you as a woman a bigger cost along with lower satisfaction in the relationship.)
You see, ancestral men had the problem of trying to keep women sexually faithful. Otherwise, they risked humiliation in taking care of another man’s child.
Verbal, emotional and physical abuse was one effective but high risk way of trying to keep a woman sexually faithful because it brings her self esteem down.
WHAT has this got to do with men wanting to make women more vulnerable?
Well, women in general are vulnerable when they deal with men. But they don’t always show this vulnerability, let alone show it in high value ways.
So when in a relationship with a man, you and I would show our vulnerability in low value ways, or in high value ways that make us more likely to inspire men to treat us well.
That is to say that decent men usually want to do the right thing. Men with low self esteem will be far more likely to abuse you.
What Are The Ways Women Are Vulnerable To Men?
Women are vulnerable when they respect and devote themselves to a man.
We are vulnerable when we are attuned to how he makes us feel, as well.
We are vulnerable (but weak) when we WANT a man’s approval. This is one other way that women get themselves into less than favourable circumstances.
By seeking approval, they show up low value. And when we show up low value, we don’t get treated as well as we would like.
When we go into the relationship for what we can ‘get’ out of being with a man, we are also more likely to leave ourselves vulnerable to being disrespected.
Since we never entered the relationship from a place of love and care, since we never went into it to add value to the guy but rather, extract value from the guy, we cannot act surprised when he doesn’t act favourably towards us.
Do Men Abuse Women To Try To Induce Vulnerability In Them?
Let’s consider the unthinkable for a second. Because if we aren’t willing to ask the difficult questions, then we cannot expect high quality answers or knowledge.
Is it possible that men sometimes act in a variety of less than respectful ways towards women, in order to try to induce vulnerability in them?
Absolutely. This doesn’t make it right, of course.
But when men abuse to try and make a woman vulnerable – essentially they are trying to possess a woman OR they are trying to make her open to him.
Men REALLY try to make women open to them?
Some men indeed unconsciously abuse to try and make a woman more vulnerable and attuned to them.
This attunement would hopefully invigorate the relationship and make it a relationship where the two partners were actually relating to each other and caring for each other.
(Ie – not just a relationship based on old patterns that perpetuate the slow inevitable death of the relationship.)
There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
Women Are More Vulnerable To Abuse When They Go Into A Relationship To ‘Get’ Something
A lady once said to me:
‘Why would women want to understand men? That shit doesn’t work – because women are going into a relationship to fill their need for love and self esteem anyway – so why would they care about understanding men?’
Well, as it turns out…that’s very dangerous.
More dangerous than most of us can predict.
When we are needy of something – we are automatically putting ourselves in a weak position, because it puts us into a state of tunnel vision, rather than relational attunement.
This tunnel vision makes us block out any bad treatment from men in favour of doing anything it takes to get what we want.
As such, we can only HOPE for a good response (and take it if it comes). But it usually comes at a huge cost, whether we know it or not.
HOW To Stop Abuse (& Never Get Involved In An Abusive Relationship Again?)
When it comes to abuse, most people always tell you to just leave. And some of the time, that’s probably the right advice.
But it’s not ALWAYS right unless you truly own your own decision to leave, otherwise you (like a lot of people) may just go straight back to the abusive relationship.
It has to be your decision that you make through your own power and self-earned awareness.
Here are the only steps you’ll need to NEVER go deeper and deeper in an abusive pattern with a man:
- Relinquish your thoughts and attune yourself to him. Your thoughts belong to you already. Instead, stay present with him, feel in your body – not THINK – but feel in your body – which is a well of reliable source power – how he makes you feel.
- Respond authentic to your feelings, while holding his gaze or presence. Demand nothing less than his full devoted presence, especially when he is hurting you and you can feel it. Scream the hurt in his face if you need to.
- Test Him! Remember, love untested is not real. So go ahead, test him using my test to see if he cares, and find out how willing he is to actually be in a committed relationship with you with my article on the 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.
- Make sure you take the space and time alone to feel, grieve and process through emotions. Do some journalling too. Take the time to feel fully, because that will ’empty’ you of the backlog of emotion that you have. Once you’re empty, you can make a clear decision whether it is best to leave or not.
Also, gaslighting is a prevalent form of abuse that women get themselves stuck in. Here’s an article on How To stop Gaslighting In A Relationship [Examples, Signs & Cure].
Feeling And Being Attuned To Pain And Pleasure Is Our Answer
Feeling and being attuned to pain and pleasure is our answer.
Be emotionally present and open your body and heart to the infinite source of awareness that is in there.
Your thoughts still serve you – but they can be a very weak source to rely on.
Your body and heart know the truth of the situation, if you make a consicous effort to practise stopping to pause and feel.
Many people ‘check out’ or ‘zone out’ emotionally and rely on feeble logic in their thoughts. Yet logic doesn’t make the truth go away.
Your emotional vulnerability does – or does not – and thereby helps you eliminate the lesser men.
Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.
I Shouldn’t Be Responsible For His Actions!
Shouldn’t I just be responsible for my own actions in relationships? I shouldn’t be responsible for his actions!
I’m not here to tell you what you should do. I’m not here to tell you how much responsibility you should take on.
But let me ask you this…
If you didn’t wash yourself for a whole month, would that perhaps affect your relationship and those closest to you?
Of course, it would!
We all affect each other whether we like it or not. And in our intimate relationship, it’s stupid to think that we’re only and solely responsible for ourselves and our own happiness.
If we are that careless about our lover’s needs and happiness, then we probably shouldn’t be in that relationship in the first place.
I hate that people throw away responsibility for erecting their own boundaries.
Sure, people should stop being abusive. But the little known truth is that many people are also perpetuating and allowing the continuation of abuse.
Many women don’t want to accept or admit this – but sometimes we enjoy the reliability and the familiarity of abuse than we have the courage to escape.
Of course there are exceptions where women cannot escape. Like when they know that if they leave, their lives or their children’s lives are at stake – that is a big grey area.
But when it comes to the seemingly harmless emotionally abusive behaviours that are so pervasive in our society, a lot of the times, we are just as responsible for tolerating them as the abuser is for stopping their behaviour.
To think anything less may even be insulting to the goddess that we are inside.
Just as it’s not only women’s responsibility to stop her abusing a man in a relationship.
(The reality is, just as many women abuse men in our society as men abuse women, perhaps not as much physical abuse. But don’t words cut deeper than fists?)
The truth is, all of us are responsible.
If you are no longer a child, then you are likely also not always a victim.
You have all the power within you to shape your life for the better or for the worse. It’s a hard and painful path to choose to take responsibility – but it releases you from suffering, and from being that victim.
It’s time for all of us to take on a greater responsibility for not just ourselves but those around us. And only then will we get to experience a fulfillment and joy that comes from caring for something greater than ourselves.
Why wouldn’t you want that?
By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new program. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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