Why Men Abuse Women (& how to stop it)

Warning: Abuse can be a very serious and very sensitive issue for many women… If you are already in an abusive situation, the perspective of this article may not always serve you, so please take caution in how you interpret this article.

If you are in an abusive situation, then for your sake do everything you can to get out of there if you can. You are too important to be continually subjected to abuse, whether that’s physical, emotional, or sexual.

You can review safety tips and guidelines for addressing an abusive situation, including getting help and support, understanding the warning signs of emotional, physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse, at the following websites.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htmhttp://www.thehotline.org

With that warning out of the way, let’s take a look at this different perspective on why male partners abuse women.

(Because I believe if you want to really fix a problem, you have to understand what this problem really means for all parties involved.)

Abuse is defined as:

‘Use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose, misuse.’ ‘To treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.’

new perspective on why women are abused

Women Abuse Men Just As Much As Men Abuse Women.

Here’s an inconvenient truth: Women abuse men just as much as men abuse women. Men just don’t always like to talk about it, and women don’t like to admit it.

Perhaps not as much physical abuse as mental and emotional abuse.

We as a society don’t tend to focus on mental and emotional abuse (such as gaslighting for example), because the bruises and scars of emotional abuse are not as obvious and easy to notice.

Not to mention abuse is just as prevalent in same-sex relationships.

I recently received an email from a lady who had been physically and emotionally abused by her girlfriend for over 10 years.

She had gotten herself into a place where she had no perception or concept of what a healthy relationship really is.

She had even asked me whether getting slapped by her partner on a daily basis or getting kicked out of her own home was normal or not.

Needless to say, I told her to get out of there.

(Here’s what constitutes a healthy relationship…)

If You Are Being Abused As An Adult, But You Can’t Seem To Leave…

As adults, if we are abused by a man once, it may come as a shock.

But if this happens over and over as in a chronic cycle of abuse, we are not only making a choice to stay in that relationship but also we are choosing to reinforce the pattern of abuse.

In other words, we are “helping” the abuser by being in the role of an easy abusee or victim.

I know that kind of sounds bad… and I’m not pointing the finger at you. I’m only saying this because I’ve been through hellish abuse myself and I don’t want you to suffer the same.

I know you too can break the cycle of abuse and create the space in your life to invite healthy and nurturing relationships to enter.

Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with my specially crafted 8 Question Quiz!

Why Do I Attract Abusive Men?

The million dollar question here is, why do some women attract abusive men?

Or is the better question: why do some women tolerate abusive men?

Really though, think about this: how does a woman get herself in that abusive situation to start with?

One of the biggest reasons I think women get themselves in chronically abusive situations is because they have not been honest and truthful to themselves, or to their emotions.

When we don’t attune ourselves to the real emotional and physical pain that lives inside of us and we simply block it out – then we run the risk of choosing abuse.

We can’t stand up for ourselves if we aren’t able to feel ourselves. We can’t communicate our pain if we don’t let pain surface and be felt.

This is true of both physical pain and emotional pain.

If a man abuses us, and we are repeatedly not attuned and responsive to how his words and actions make us feel – then we are doing ourselves a dangerous disservice. We are choosing abuse and we are choosing the safety of the abusive pattern that we are in.

Any more than once or twice, and if we stay – then we have a bad emotional comfort pattern that favours staying in abusive situations. (The longer we stay, the worse the pattern becomes.)

Case Study: Learn How our member Alison went from attracting perpetual abusive relationships… …To finally learning the skill of weeding out the wrong types of men, and passing the hardest test of them all… an accidental pregnancy after a month of dating! (…All by learning one simple skill.)

Should We Just Simply Blame The Abusive Man?

In this society, we typically just blame the man who has been abusive. Fair enough, it’s never OK to abuse another and of course, he should stop. We all need to look after the women and the children of this world.

But simply by shaming and blaming the abuser, this never reduced the incidence of abuse overall. In fact, it may actually make the situation worse for many.

Blaming and shaming never works long term. But it does make people more resentful and create separation in the world.

Not to mention that the woman, (the abusee) will probably continue her pattern of attracting abuse into her life, whether in the form of a new partner or at the work place etc.

Here are the top 3 red flags in dating that you should look out for!

But She Never Asked To Be Abused…

A couple wakes up together in bed at 7am. It’s another work day.

They’ve been together for the last 5 years. Things aren’t great, but they’re not bad enough to do anything about it.

The woman gets up out of bed, yawns and stretches.

The man sits up and says to the woman:

“Have you exercised this morning? what’s that on your face? You need to clean your face, it’s dirty. You smell, wash yourself!”

He’s a little harsh don’t you think?

The woman never asked to be verbally abused like this… but instead of speaking up about it, she rolls her eyes and stays quiet.

She holds her emotions in. She doesn’t want to upset the status quo.

She doesn’t want to “upset” him.

Yet her very behaviour is perpetuating the pattern and cycle of abuse. (This couple had been doing this for the past 5 years.)

Her lack of energy bouncing back at him makes him want to push forward harder.

She betrayed herself by not standing up for herself.

And no, this wasn’t the first time this verbal abuse has occurred.

What If She Was Truthful To Her Feelings?

What do you think would have happened if she didn’t ignore her emotions?

What if she was attuned to how the verbal abuse was making her feel?

What if she broke down crying? What do you think would have happened?

Perhaps the guy would see her vulnerability and it will cause him to either escalate the abuse or become more sensitive. Maybe, if he’s a half decent guy, he’s try to see if she’s ok.

Or perhaps he couldn’t care less and she would finally have enough pain to get out of that abusive relationship.

What if she snapped back at him in anger?

Either way, it would momentarily break the pattern of abuse (as opposed to her just taking it and rolling her eyes).

Either it would force them to mend the pain, or have enough pain to break up and move on.

how to stay high value

Becoming Attuned To Ourselves Is Your Gift To Yourself.

Very few of us feel and acknowledge our own power to attune ourselves to how a man’s every word and every action makes us feel.

IF we were to become attuned to all of our feelings, to the inevitable pain or pleasure that a partner’s actions made us feel…then we’d have a higher chance of protecting ourselves from abusive relationships.

Ie: it’s easier to leave when we feel the anger and hurt that someone is causing us, as opposed to pushing it under the carpet.

When we value attunement and embodiment, we’re more like to have said or done something to sever the pattern of abuse. We wouldn’t just “hang around” to keep the status quo.

We are strong when we also attune ourselves to men and are responsive to men’s words and actions.

We are strong when we teach them how to treat us through true attunement in the relationship and true responsiveness in the relationship.

More on attunement and what weakness and strength for a woman is, here

That problem isn’t necessarily just the obviously abusive partner – it is us who are staying with the obviously abusive partner too.

By choosing to be the one being abused over and over again, we choose our pattern of staying with the abusive person. In turn, we are facilitating the abuse. We are practically “abusing ourselves” by staying.

(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

What Is The Strong Position To Take That Would NOT Facilitate Abuse?

In every situation there is always a strong position you can take that will result in the best outcome for everyone.

This position isn’t always intuitive, and certainly isn’t always easy. Rather, it requires you to be courageous enough to stand up for yourself.

What if you paused, and let the feelings sink into your body?

And perhaps allow the feelings to travel from your throat, to your heart to your feet… and really feel the hurt on every level possible.

What if you expressed these emotions, from the knots in your belly, to the tears that are buried deep under our masks and shells?

What if this path of feeling pain and opening to pain is the path to ultimate freedom and joy?

But too many of us attempt to push down our emotions, using our logical thinking mind to try to reason everything away.

(Essentially, the woman’s self-esteem lies in the abuser’s hands and she is basically asking for his approval… which again sets up further abuse.)

(The longer we haven’t let our bodies and hearts be vulnerable in a human relationship, the more numb we are to a man’s true intentions). Find out more on how to be strong, feminine and vulnerable here.

CLICK HERE to discover how much you truly live in your feminine energy with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!

What Would Happen If You Held Space For Yourself?

Well, if you not only felt your emotions, but expressed your pain and hurt and stayed with it, (not in retaliation as anger, but just hurt), then one of two things will happen.

  1. Either the man will respond with more abuse, for which you’d know without a shadow of a doubt that he doesn’t care about you, and that your job is to respect yourself and leave.
  2. The other possible outcome would be that the man will react to your vulnerability. He would soften in response to your vulnerability and become more caring in that moment.

Either way, it’s much better than holding everything in – because by doing that, we’re facilitating the abuse. Unless of course, you MUST hold everything in so that you can escape a very abusive relationship.

If you’re holding in your emotions every day, if you never hold space for yourself and you let a man get away with saying and doing whatever he wants just so that you can keep the benefits in the relationship, then you really have to ask yourself whether the benefits are worth the price of your ever declining self esteem.

If you’re curious to know whether your man really cares about you, I recommend you read my article on How To Test Him To See If He Cares.

CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!

Does He Have Good Intent?

It’s very interesting to understand sometimes why men lash out and abuse in the first place.

Sometimes as women, we don’t really get to see his real intent behind the abuse.

(Of course, every relationship is different, and I’m certainly not defending anyone who is abusive in your life.)

And men might not do this consciously as such but sometimes when men ‘lose it’, despite seeming relatively calm and non abusive in the past, is because he wanted to feel the woman’s trust, devotion, vulnerability and respect towards him.

Sometimes, to a man, reacting in a verbally abusive way or in an emotionally abusive way was the only way he knows how to try to feel her as HIS woman.

Some men act abusive in order to exert his dominance, create a feeling of polarity and attraction (although a bad way to do it), to metaphorically penetrate the woman’s emotional walls.

Of course, there are so many better ways for any man to create polarity, and break through a woman’s walls.

But it always pays to have a deeper understanding of the world and of the behaviour of people.

learn the dark feminine art of High Value Banter here.

Why Are Men Abusive?

The question is: what makes a man abusive?

Interestingly, studies show that low mate value men Are more likely to abuse.

In a study done on men’s mate retention strategies, they found that there was a high likelihood of low mate value men using verbal insults as a high risk (as in, high risk of losing their woman) mate retention strategy.

High mate value men (or men who see themselves as high mate value) just don’t use that strategy. They don’t need to. (They have other value and resources.)

Further studies have also shown that the men with lower mate value are simply more likely to try to keep their woman using abusive strategies (or strategies that cause you as a woman a bigger cost along with lower satisfaction in the relationship.)

You see, ancestral men had the problem of trying to keep women sexually faithful. Otherwise, they risked humiliation in taking care of another man’s child.

Verbal, emotional and physical abuse was one effective but high risk way of trying to keep a woman sexually faithful because it brings her self esteem down.

WHAT has this got to do with men wanting to make women more vulnerable?

Well, women in general are vulnerable when they deal with men. But they don’t always show this vulnerability, let alone show it in high value ways.

So when in a relationship with a man, you and I would show our vulnerability in low value ways, or in high value ways that make us more likely to inspire men to treat us well.

That is to say that decent men usually want to do the right thing. Men with low self esteem will be far more likely to abuse you.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

CLICK HERE to discover how much you truly live in your feminine energy with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!

What Are The Ways Women Are Vulnerable To Men?

Women are vulnerable when they respect and devote themselves to a man.

We are vulnerable when we are attuned to how he makes us feel, as well.

We are vulnerable (but weak) when we WANT a man’s approval. This is one other way that women get themselves into less than favourable circumstances.

By seeking approval, they show up low value. And when we show up low value, we don’t get treated as well as we would like.

When we go into the relationship for what we can ‘get’ out of being with a man, we are also more likely to leave ourselves vulnerable to being disrespected.

Since we never entered the relationship from a place of love and care, since we never went into it to add value to the guy but rather, extract value from the guy, we cannot act surprised when he doesn’t act favourably towards us.

Do Men Abuse Women To Try To Induce Vulnerability In Them?

Let’s consider the unthinkable for a second. Because if we aren’t willing to ask the difficult questions, then we cannot expect high quality answers or knowledge.

Is it possible that men sometimes act in a variety of less than respectful ways towards women, in order to try to induce vulnerability in them?

Absolutely. This doesn’t make it right, of course.

But when men abuse to try and make a woman vulnerable – essentially they are trying to possess a woman OR they are trying to make her open to him.

Men REALLY try to make women open to them?

Some men indeed unconsciously abuse to try and make a woman more vulnerable and attuned to them.

This attunement would hopefully invigorate the relationship and make it a relationship where the two partners were actually relating to each other and caring for each other.

(Ie – not just a relationship based on old patterns that perpetuate the slow inevitable death of the relationship.)

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?

CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.) 

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

Women Are More Vulnerable To Abuse When They Go Into A Relationship To ‘Get’ Something

A lady once said to me:

Why would women want to understand men? That shit doesn’t work – because women are going into a relationship to fill their need for love and self esteem anyway – so why would they care about understanding men?’

Well, as it turns out…that’s very dangerous.

More dangerous than most of us can predict.

When we are needy of something – we are automatically putting ourselves in a weak position, because it puts us into a state of tunnel vision, rather than relational attunement.

This tunnel vision makes us block out any bad treatment from men in favour of doing anything it takes to get what we want.

As such, we can only HOPE for a good response (and take it if it comes). But it usually comes at a huge cost, whether we know it or not.

HOW To Stop Abuse (& Never Get Involved In An Abusive Relationship Again?)

When it comes to abuse, most people always tell you to just leave. And some of the time, that’s probably the right advice.

But it’s not ALWAYS right unless you truly own your own decision to leave, otherwise you (like a lot of people) may just go straight back to the abusive relationship.

It has to be your decision that you make through your own power and self-earned awareness.

Here are the only steps you’ll need to NEVER go deeper and deeper in an abusive pattern with a man:

  1. Relinquish your thoughts and attune yourself to him. Your thoughts belong to you already. Instead, stay present with him, feel in your body – not THINK – but feel in your body – which is a well of reliable source power – how he makes you feel.
  2. Respond authentic to your feelings, while holding his gaze or presence. Demand nothing less than his full devoted presence, especially when he is hurting you and you can feel it. Scream the hurt in his face if you need to.
  3. Test Him! Remember, love untested is not real. So go ahead, test him using my test to see if he cares, and find out how willing he is to actually be in a committed relationship with you with my article on the 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.
  4. Make sure you take the space and time alone to feel, grieve and process through emotions. Do some journalling too. Take the time to feel fully, because that will ’empty’ you of the backlog of emotion that you have. Once you’re empty, you can make a clear decision whether it is best to leave or not.

Also, gaslighting is a prevalent form of abuse that women get themselves stuck in. Here’s an article on How To stop Gaslighting In A Relationship [Examples, Signs & Cure].

Feeling And Being Attuned To Pain And Pleasure Is Our Answer

Feeling and being attuned to pain and pleasure is our answer.

Be emotionally present and open your body and heart to the infinite source of awareness that is in there.

Your thoughts still serve you – but they can be a very weak source to rely on.

Your body and heart know the truth of the situation, if you make a consicous effort to practise stopping to pause and feel.

Many people ‘check out’ or ‘zone out’ emotionally and rely on feeble logic in their thoughts. Yet logic doesn’t make the truth go away.

Your emotional vulnerability does – or does not – and thereby helps you eliminate the lesser men.

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Do you know the dark art of “High Value Banter” that helps you quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”? CLICK HERE to learn how in this free class.

I Shouldn’t Be Responsible For His Actions!

Shouldn’t I just be responsible for my own actions in relationships? I shouldn’t be responsible for his actions!

I’m not here to tell you what you should do. I’m not here to tell you how much responsibility you should take on.

But let me ask you this…

If you didn’t wash yourself for a whole month, would that perhaps affect your relationship and those closest to you?

Of course, it would!

We all affect each other whether we like it or not. And in our intimate relationship, it’s stupid to think that we’re only and solely responsible for ourselves and our own happiness.

If we are that careless about our lover’s needs and happiness, then we probably shouldn’t be in that relationship in the first place.

I hate that people throw away responsibility for erecting their own boundaries.

Sure, people should stop being abusive. But the little known truth is that many people are also perpetuating and allowing the continuation of abuse.

Many women don’t want to accept or admit this – but sometimes we enjoy the reliability and the familiarity of abuse than we have the courage to escape.

Of course there are exceptions where women cannot escape. Like when they know that if they leave, their lives or their children’s lives are at stake – that is a big grey area.

But when it comes to the seemingly harmless emotionally abusive behaviours that are so pervasive in our society, a lot of the times, we are just as responsible for tolerating them as the abuser is for stopping their behaviour.

To think anything less may even be insulting to the goddess that we are inside.

Just as it’s not only women’s responsibility to stop her abusing a man in a relationship.

(The reality is, just as many women abuse men in our society as men abuse women, perhaps not as much physical abuse. But don’t words cut deeper than fists?)

The truth is, all of us are responsible.

If you are no longer a child, then you are likely also not always a victim.

You have all the power within you to shape your life for the better or for the worse. It’s a hard and painful path to choose to take responsibility – but it releases you from suffering, and from being that victim.

It’s time for all of us to take on a greater responsibility for not just ourselves but those around us. And only then will we get to experience a fulfillment and joy that comes from caring for something greater than ourselves.

Why wouldn’t you want that?

By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new program. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!

renee wade what to do when he doesn't call

P.S. If you liked this article, CLICK HERE to check out my full article archives! Or you may greatly benefit from one of our highly popular paid programs, CLICK HERE to see what we offer right now.

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David
David

A very brave article to write. I applaud you Renee. I think you are the only woman (that I know at least) who is willing to publicly talk about these controversial issues. A lot of women, particularly those who have been indoctrinated with feminist dogma all of their lives, will fight you and attack you on this. Those women, and I can see them in the comments, are not the types of women who will ever take responsibility for their own lives and will simply live day to day with the victim mindset. Well done on being a beacon of… Read more »

Sherry
Sherry

This article is total bullshit, letting abusers off the hook and victim-blaming. The author should be ashamed of promoting such lies and harm.

Limit CSXi™
Limit CSXi™

Today, a devoted Catholic girl I know proudly and openly admitted to the “selfish indulgence” of fucking “countless guys,” in succession, mostly because she can, but also because she thinks women have no moral obligation to their significant others. According to her, God is the most important thing in life, so she is never willing to invest emotions into any of her multiple male fuck toys for any duration of time. She frequently wrecks her own car, lies to human dildos about their significance to her, disappears for entire semesters to find and fuck random men/women, smokes, and writes suicide… Read more »

Nes
Nes

Hi there… A very controversial article. I’ve found it quite clear though: if you already are in an abusive relationship get out, seek help (not this article). Then work on yourself (with the help of this article when you’re ready to do so). Hem… It took me sometime to coment on this article as I needed to.. Think about it more. It’s international women day today so… It’s been 2 years since I “got out of trouble”. But before I share my experience I would reinforce what Renée is saying; it’s quite simple: if you have self-esteem issues and enter… Read more »

Michelle
Michelle

I found this article interesting to say the least, and I think you have a valid point even though many people disagree with you entirely. I’ve never had an abusive boyfriend but my mother was emotionally abusive to me growing up and I definitely think she’s abusive to my stepfather. My husband also has had friends who had physically abusive boyfriends, and he said that they told him that the abuser always started with small things and the girlfriend didn’t react . When the abuser saw that he could get away with it, then he gradually became worse and worse.… Read more »

Stacie
Stacie

Respectfully…I disagree. It all depends on the type of man or woman you’re with. A good man and a good woman Is just NOT abusive. Abuse in any way is a character flaw, a personality flaw. It’s a lack of self control. It’s someine putting their own needs above another’s. People get frustrated because we are imperfect humans but that’s why we need self control and a conscience, or we will just run amok abusing people as we feel like it. Abusive people are control freaks and suffer from various personality disorders, and probably demons as well. They desire a… Read more »

Jessica
Jessica
Reply to  Stacie

I know that’s right. God is definitely not in people who are abusive. If a person is going to lead, they need to be led. Unfortunately, God is not leading them, otherwise they wouldn’t need to be in control of everything. If you can’t accept someone or someone can’t accept you, then there is no need to even be in a relationship. Maya Angelou said it best. “If someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

Diary Of An Echo
Diary Of An Echo

A very poorly written and poorly constructed article, in my opinion. I was with you on ‘helping the abuser’ by taking the ‘role’ as you put it, however after that it all kind of dwindles into lay opinion with very little in the way of an accredited toolset. To summarily claim that crying or anger would ‘break the abuse pattern’ I find ridiculous. For many, those things are the abuse pattern!! Again, further down you say oh well if he responds with more abuse then you know to just leave. WHAT. Millions of women (and men!) CANNOT leave for a… Read more »

Pixie Pie
Pixie Pie

I was totally diggin this site, talking about feminine energy and everything until I came across this: “The more likely outcome would be that the man will react to your vulnerability. He would soften in response to your vulnerability and become more caring in that moment.”….Sorry, hon, you lost me there. From my experience growing up in an abusive household, vulnerability is the LAST thing you want an abuser to see. They don’t have empathy, they don’t care when you cry. They LIKE it. It boils their blood, gets them excited, makes them feel powerful. Abusers aren’t squishy grumpy teddy… Read more »

Jessica
Jessica
Reply to  Pixie Pie

Or simply by losing your mind one time. It has to scare the hell out of the other person and you. Or fight back physically. Let the abuser know enough is enough and wear them out!!!

Pixie Pie
Pixie Pie
Reply to  Jessica

Right on!

Lizbot
Lizbot
Reply to  Jessica

So true

Morena
Morena

Hi Renee, It would be nice if you can let me know if you read what I’m about to say. I know I will get flak for what I’m about to say but I’m only speaking the truth from what I see and know and just having that innate and knowing the history and why. This is a very sensitive topic for me because my mother was abused on all levels and she is no longer here because of it. With that being said. I have a friend that can never be alone, she is always in a toxic relationship… Read more »

Alex
Alex

This article simplified something that isn’t a simple issue. This article probably rings true to your own experience with abuse, but every situation is different. This disappoints me, and after reading several articles with the same effect, I won’t be returning to this website. I am definitely a strong advocate for people, not just women, and the message I am receiving from your posts is that men are allowed to be men, but women are not allowed to be women. Encouraging women to suppress masculine energy? This totally opposes my belief system, and while I understand that you have your… Read more »

Anna
Anna

“the reality is, just as many women abuse men in our society as men abuse women” This is just the same tired old myth that gets perpetuated every time the issue of men abusing women comes up, and every single time the person stating it is under the illusion that they’re enlightening people to some sort of ‘little known fact’. Men are far more likely to abuse women, both physically and emotionally. They are also statistically more likely to report abuse than women, despite the myth that ‘men are afraid to come forward because they’re too ashamed’. Read Lundy Bancroft’s… Read more »

Marj Hahne
Marj Hahne

I always value your nuanced perspective, Renee–you’re one of only a small handful of relationship experts I follow anymore. Another is Alison Armstrong (www.understandmen.com), whom I heard in a radio interview say that what alarms her about a man’s physical abuse perpetrated on a woman is that it means that his fundamental masculine instinct to PROTECT has been broken–which makes me question if a woman’s display of vulnerability in the face of a man’s repeated physical abuse will make an enduring difference.

Beverly
Beverly

Abuse is a very complex subject. I don’t think one gender is more abusive than the other, they just have different ways of abusing. People who stay in abusive relationships have often already learned to suppress their intuitions and feelings, perhaps in their childhood. In that case it is easy to stay with people who mistreat them, because they already know how to turn themselves off and stay with it. It’s a deeply ingrained pattern that takes tremendous effort to change. I’ve also read of previously well-adjusted women who get in relationships that become abusive and then stay. In this… Read more »

Joan
Joan

I never saw a problem with the first posting, but ok. It’s not hard to realize when your in an abusive relationship, I went through hell and back myself. I knew what was happening and I attempted to fix the situations through my own willpower, using logic and reasoning. This never worked. After reading this I know now that I never would have fixed them. The abuse was ingrained in the men and they only wanted the abuse as a way of feeding that desire to hurt me. It was about hurting me. There was a few times I had… Read more »

Felicia
Felicia
Reply to  Joan

I liked the first post. Yes, it was hard to take in, but it served women more to stop CHOOSING victimhood. This article sounds more like appeasing women who have chosen victimhood because they were mad at you for not honoring them as a victim. Either way, I think it is important to remember that in the US, men could abuse and rape their wives as much as they wanted up until the early 1980’s when the 1st conviction for spousal abuse was made. Soon after, law officials had to make spousal abuse arrests. So, many women are new to… Read more »

k
k

wow I guess there is a problem in western world but in communism we were all happy workers for the state that is sarcastic remark so I just want to say do not get abused we are all people

Amy
Amy

I’m not going to comment on the abuse aspect of this post, but I found the advice about feeling and expressing your emotions interesting. The only thing is, how do you know which emotions to express and which to ignore? I feel very threatened when my boyfriend thinks someone else is attractive (for instance a casual remark about a celebrity). It’s ridiculous but causes me to feel terrified he no longer likes me, even though my brain knows I’m overreacting. If I expressed my full emotions on this I would come across as a complete nutcase. He’s perfectly great, faithful… Read more »

Joan
Joan
Reply to  Amy

I’m not Renee but your comment has made me really feel for you and I need to express it. I just want to give you a big hug. Why would you feel like you would come across as a complete nutcase? This situation would drive me crazy if I had to always listen to those comments he makes even if he is wonderful and faithful. Maybe its a fear that you are making the decision to not express. Your brain is telling you? Well that’s just logic. I’m not expert here but I would honestly go over with myself about… Read more »

Amy
Amy
Reply to  Joan

I’d come across as a nutcase because I am being irrational… I am comfortable having my harmless crushes on, say, an actor, but if I feel a glance is given to a girl behind me in a cafe I feel sick, even if in reality he hasn’t noticed she exists. With my past boyfriend too. Neither of them have done anything to warrant it, have been disrespectful, have been unfaithful, have even openly looked at anyone- it’s my issue. It’s not as if he sits there making remarks (never), I’m just giving an example of an emotion (terror, jealousy, possessiveness)… Read more »

Joan
Joan
Reply to  Amy

Ok, I get it. He’s not making comments, just looking and you feel badly. Of course our feelings are valid. Thank God he’s not making comments.

There is lots covered about that in the site. I don’t remember which articles. I can’t write a whole posting about it, but you can research it here. I somehow remember the article, “5 Things you shouldn’t worry about with men.” Something like that. It will help you explore your feelings about the situation too.

Joan
Joan
Reply to  Joan

Amy I hope your still here. I reread the article, its excellent.

https://www.thefemininewoman.com/2013/01/understanding-men-5-insights-on-men-to-ease-your-worries/

Lori
Lori

Renee, I am sure you mean well here, and I understand your points but there is too much complexity to what happens in an abusive relationship. They tell you how much they love you and want to protect you. They isolate you from all of your friends and family who see things plainly and simply. They lie to you and lead you to think that the yelling/bickering/”caring attitude” is for your own good. Some will gaslight you into thinking you are crazy, and undermine your knowledge as a parent and person. They try to make you believe without them you… Read more »

Queen
Queen
Reply to  Lori

Dear Lori, I do agree once you are in, predatory abusers trap you in physically and psychologically). Your husband will likely abuse the next woman he is with because his “system” for keeping a woman is abusive. That is different from a man who turns abusive in moments of emotional overwhelm. I wish there were different names for “abusive relationships.” Think of a murderer, there is the drunk guy at the bar where the fight gets out of hand and he kills someone and then there is Ted Bundy. Predatory men are not there for your benefit, so there is… Read more »

rebecca
rebecca

Hi Renee, I have read some of your articles and you have some good points but I’m disappointed in your recent article. I started reading your ‘corrected’ article on abuse and I couldn’t read the rest. I am absolutely SHOCKED! Female abuse of men RARELY happens and when it does it is NOT the same as male abuse towards women. “But the truth is, women abuse men just as much as men abuse women. Perhaps not as much physical abuse as mental and emotional abuse. We as a society don’t tend to focus on mental and emotional abuse simply because… Read more »

amal
amal
Reply to  rebecca

@Rebecca, I live in the UK as well, and 70% of domestic abuse allegations have no evidence, and men are put in prison in these cases. 45% of violence in the homes is women attacking men. It’s now become acceptable in Western society for a woman to hit a man, and even (lo and behold) cut his private part for something she deems betrayal. However, when a husband stops his wife from beating the children using force he’s put in prison for hitting his wife. There are everyday cases where a mother is recorded by social services for abusing a… Read more »

Mia
Mia
Reply to  rebecca

Rebecca, Onestly, I don’t think you realise the way you are. You say you didn’t not ask for it, but stayd 18 months. You say that it happend because of the tactiks he used, but than agian you say that it was excessive violence against you. what yu are describing is to me just what Renee is saing – you are numb. If you where open to your fillngs, you would recognize the ‘excessive violence against you’ at once. And would leave STRAIT AWAY. You say: ‘I stuck up for myself, battled on’. By doing what? Showing him he is… Read more »

Maia
Maia
Reply to  rebecca

Rebecca, you say that the situation is infinitely more complex than how Renee presents it, but in actuality, you are the one painting all domestic and emotional abuse with a wide brush. You are basically saying: men are the only abusers, men are awful, no woman ever knows what’s coming or can stop it, etc. etc. and once in a while that is the true situation. Re: facts – I did not see one citation in your post, or one accurate statistic. You were scared, horrified, and offended by this article because you’re still baffled by your own psyche, why… Read more »

Joan
Joan
Reply to  rebecca

I just want to say that yes women can be abusive. I can only be friends with just a very few because most women I know will drive me crazy. Just last week, a woman acquaintance we know asked me why I don’t do this or don’t do that(various masculine activities). Then she said, “Oh, its because you don’t want to break a fingernail, ha ha ha. And the ha ha ha came straight in my face. That’s just one example. I get that a lot. How the heck is that not abusive? Most of them I know are. They… Read more »

Adele
Adele

Hey Renee… I like this re-write. It better explains what vulnerability is. Because of the way I was raised, I started off womanhood with a low level of vulnerability and a predominance of masculine energy. Even though appearance-wise, I look and sound feminine. I had an abusive boyfriend at 21…then by 24 I met a decent guy….but I still was “hiding” parts of myself. At 26, I was sexually assaulted. After that it was the hardest years of my life…many relationships didn’t work out. Social life, personal life, and self-esteem was in shambles. I was not fully present with men… Read more »

Amy
Amy

Dear Renee,
I was always wondering what happens in BDSM relationships.
It is basically a consentual abuse what both sides enjoy. Is it normal? Or just a exaggerated response to wanting to be vulnerable.

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