Is it wise to choose a man who is more in love with you than you are with him?

On a primal level, it benefits women to pick a man who is far more in love with her than she is with him, because that FEELS like he will stick around, and so we (and our babies) can have all his resources.

However, this is the exact thing many men hate about a relationship, and commitment to a woman. Research shows that men fall in love faster, and way harder than women do. And, research done by the well respected Anthropologist Helen Fisher, also shows that MEN are far more idealistic about love and relationships than women are. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man”)

Are you surprised?

Research shows, also, that women on the other hand, are more pragmatic: “hm….is he willing to give me marriage and babies?” “is he the tallest and smartest one I can get?” “is he rich enough to get us through the 18 years of all our children’s lives?” “Is he the richest one I’ve got on my contact list?” “Is he willing to spend money on me?” “I’m in love with another man, but he is nuts and doesn’t stick around. A safer bet would be to go with the ‘cute’ one who will stick around.”

“I’m not as passionate about him as I am about Daniel, but at least he’ll stick around.”

The problem is, this makes men feel like crap. It breaks hearts, it makes them never want to commit to another woman again. If I could count the number of times I’ve heard stories about men who fell in love, and it was their first love, and they were willing to give her everything, and they DID….but then, after 5 years of marriage, they find out that she’s run off an gotten pregnant to the bad boy, I would at least be half-rich. If you’re interested to see this for yourself, start with this discussion page here.

Men need to fall in love from an evolutionary perspective, because it encourages them to shell out their resources to just one woman for the long term. If they are not in love, they are not likely at all to shell out any resources. They have sex with the women and then leave.

But if he is in love, he shells out more than just dinner and a movie. A little bit of money is easy to shell out. But falling in LOVE makes men shell out a bunch of other resources that normally feel unnatural to him – emotional resources. For a number of years.

At least the children will have a caring and involved daddy. Good for wife, and good for children.

When I was 18, my mother and her friends told me to pick a man that loves me more than I love him. I scrunched my nose up. Something didn’t feel right to me, hearing that. It felt selfish. It felt so guarded and such a miserable way to live. (Click here to download your “Goddess Report”)

Many years later, if you were to ask me: is it wise to pick a man who loves you more than you love him?

Well, my answer is, yes, and no.

Yes, if you treat relationships as a transaction. (“what is this man worth to me? What can he GIVE me?” “is he willing to have a long term relationship with me?”) Hey, many women do this.

No, if you want to live a blissfully happy, passionate and fulfilling life, where other people look at your relationship and envy you.

I choose the No.

You might be wondering why I give that reason for the ‘no’ answer.

My answer is because: it is only through YOUR emotional vulnerability to a man that YOU get to feel the full pleasure and bliss of what an intimate relationship has to offer: magnifying your emotions. And it is this way that HE gets to feel great with you too.

It can’t work long term unless you both have INTENSE emotions towards each other. After all, that’s the purpose of intimate relationship: to magnify our emotions, and make life more delicious. (read an article about how to get him to propose)

Being completely vulnerable to a man, being completely in love, actually give YOU incredible pleasure, and provided he is also in love with you, you both get to grow together and develop a loving, beautiful, lasting and passionate relationship.

When you are choosing a man completely pragmatically, or logically, and not because you are truly in love – and not because you just want a RELATIONSHIP for the sake of a relationship – it’s you who eventually suffers. We don’t live only 15-30 years anymore, like our ancestors. Back then, the strategy of picking a man who loves you more than you love him worked. It got the species procreating, it allowed you access to resources that helped you and your babies live.

But, here’s the problem: We live some 60-120 years now! Now, it’s not the transaction, and what we can GET from a man that makes us giddy and happy in our relationship. Now, we want happiness. Transactions between a man and a woman aren’t designed for happiness.

We are evolving beyond this transaction thing now. At least that’s the way I would like to see the world moving. And that’s what I believe in.

To be happy in a relationship, you have to be vulnerable to a man. not logical about his WORTH to you. That takes courage, though. Because, with vulnerability also comes pain. I’m ok with that, aren’t you? Pain is a part of life. We try to avoid it like it’s the devil. Actually, it’s not: it’s a gift. Without allowing yourself to feel deep fear and pain, you cannot experience deep love and passion. (read my article about how to be submissive for love)

I suggest you value your long-term happiness, rather than what’s easy; and choose a man who you are obviously  in love with, and whom is also obviously in love with you. Of course, as a woman, you will always choose the best man, who has the better provider qualities, to be in a relationship with. There is nothing wrong with that, and that’s instinctive whether you like it or not. It’s there to help you.

The question is though:

why are you really choosing to commit to him long-term? Are you making the decision to commit to a man for the long term because he loves you more than you love him? And are you looking to just keep the man around, because if he loves you more, then he WILL stick around?

Because he won’t. Soon, he’ll be another male statistic that feels used by women.  He’ll get tired of desiring you more than you desire him. Being more invested in the relationship than you are. He’ll want something else.

I choose to say it is not wise, for your own long term happiness, to choose a man who is more in love with you than you are with him. I don’t want to make my values your values, too, though. So what do you think? Would you prefer to choose the man who is in love with you while you like him just ‘enough’ to be with him?

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Ms L
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Ms L

A good relationship has a give and take. There will be some days he gives more and other days you give more. If you constantly keep score cards and make tallies and have a tit-for-tat attitude, you’re doomed to fail. Love is about giving from the heart and about team work and commitment and working towards mutual goals. I made the mistake of chastising my partner because he’s not so demonstrative in so far as he isn’t the type of man to randomly send flowers or buy a small gift etc and I berated him for it but realized that… Read more »

Ed
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Ed

I think this shows, once more, women have nearly all the power in matters of love, courtship and relationships. We have ample proof that these “sub par” “good enough” non alpha men who love more are simply not what women want. Women want the top alpha male in every respect. And they have the sexual currency to pursue it for a long time, until there looks and biology start to turn for the worst entering into their 30’s but especially 40’s. Men commit suicide 4-6x higher than women in equivalent economic circumstances. Number 1 cited reason amongst survivors? Loneliness/divorce/rejection Female… Read more »

Unreal
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Unreal

I find this “women have all the power, nice guys have no hope” attitude to be most prevalent among men whose expectations are way out of line with their abilities. In other words they are lonely and dateless because they are pining away for “9s and 10s” while ignoring average and not so attractive girls. Their problem is of their own making.

Unreal
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Unreal

“women rate an incredible 80% of guys as worse-looking than medium. Very harsh.” Not really because women don’t priortize attractiveness the way men do. As a man you see this as harsh because you won’t date a woman you don’t think is hot. A woman will exchange hotness for more important qualities. It would be like me getting worked up over a poll that says men didn’t rate rich women as being more desirable than poor women. what important to women is not necessarily what important to men and vice versa. “Women want the top alpha male in every respect.”… Read more »

broken
Guest

I’ve been in a predicament where I’m in love with an older guy,who doesn’t seem to love me back. It’s like game playing for him. He’s confusing most times. Saying he loves me yet acting otherwise. Whilst on the other hand, there’s a loving, kind, gentleman, who I can’t seem to love the way he deserves.(sad)

Alice
Guest
Alice

It should be a balance actually. A woman that loves a man too much is worst. It will only lead to beating up his new girlfriend, burning cars and getting yourself knocked up (lie about the baby being his). I have a boyfriend that seems to be a bit more into me than I am (I love this guy from the moon and back), but he seem to express it more than me. We have a healthy and great relationship. I smile every time he talks about our future and is exited about it. I can’t help smiling cause I… Read more »

Guest
Guest
Guest

“t will only lead to beating up his new girlfriend, burning cars and getting yourself knocked up (lie about the baby being his). ”

Jesus this sounds like something from Jerry Springer….trashy!

Sarah
Guest
Sarah

That’s amazing Alice! I desire to have that type of love that your have with your boyfriend, equal love with the man expressing it more 🙂 Beautiful, I am so happy for you <3

Big A
Guest
Big A

I am dating a man who loves me more than I love him. My parents, sibling and friends like him for me. He is very kind and patient with me. I like him, but I still long for the other guy whom I really love. I wanted to be with him, but he is in a different country and don’t have plans to visit me soon. He even told me that I would be crazy to wait for him. Do you think I should focus on this guy I am dating or go to the one I love and be… Read more »

Vana
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Vana

Every relationship I have been involved in I fell in love much faster than the men did. And afterward the relationship was OVER! He didn’t feel that way about me. Except for the last one, I felt like he did love me but I was never sure. Yes I had feelings for him but then he developed feelings for another woman and MARRIED HER! And didn’t tell me he was dating someone else! He informed me on his honeymoon in an email that he got married. I am left very hurt. Perhaps I gave him too much space.

Anthony
Guest
Anthony

The problem with you ladies being indecisive is just because uv not had sex with him just like uv always with the guys u all clam to be in love with and end up deicing u,I have discovered women tend not to have emotions for men they’ve not had sex with or intimacy with u can bet a guy who has not been intimate with u yet falling over hills for you without intimacy you are so so lucky let him in into your world but if u can’t steel let him in u end up settling for less. Cu’s… Read more »

M Dizzy
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M Dizzy

See, here’s the thing: men act like they want this situation. They seem to WANT you to be cold to them. As soon as you act caring, they leave. And this is from a “good girl,” so it’s not about anything physical. It don’t think it’s right; it’s dishonest for a woman to act this way and disrespectful (toward himself and the woman) for a man to disallow a woman to behave naturally in a relationship. It seems abusive to me. But this is an accepted cultural norm. Why?

Andy
Guest

Seriously….. Your obviously dating the wrong type of guys. A decent guy who has had experience (key word there) appreciates and values a genuine caring partner who loves him just as much back.

You might be a ‘good girl’ but you can still make bad choices when it comes to who you date.

Mayra Vargas
Guest
Mayra Vargas

Well I think its just gives u the upper hand in the relationship that’s why it would be wise but it should not be that way. I believe if u love a person u should not hide it and be yourself if its to much for the other person to handle it was just not meant to be and move on.

John
Guest
John

Why does anyone need the “upper hand” in the relationship?

Do you realise the idea of a relationship is a partnership?

Giana
Guest
Giana

I think it is important to note that we do live in a world where arranged marriages are still quite common place in some societies. But, even among our upper classes I am certain many young women are still expected to marry someone who will be good husband material, a provider etc. And, many of these marriages do last a lifetime. Love isn’t simply an emotion that is felt, it is in the actions that we display to our significant other that speak volumes about how we truly feel. You can’t simply marry someone based on an emotion, there are… Read more »

Anjali
Guest

Hello Giana, You are so right. Arranged marriages work because they are not based on emotions (in the begining at least) but on committement to start with. I am from Asia, so, I know this. Right now, there is a guy, rich certainly, who is head over heels in love with me, but I am not. I take him as a friend. The person whom I like(d), ditched me in the end. Age is running out and I need to decide soon. One can’t keep waiting endlessly ! There is no perfect guy and one needs to compromise on somewhere.… Read more »

Anjali
Guest
Anjali

Forgot to add that I am going to 33 and single since a long time.. There have been men who have/had been interested in me, but I never gave them my time as I didn’t have any feeling for them..

This guy knows that I am undecisive and is okay with giving me more time as we have known each other for an year now and have met only 5 times as we don’t live in the same country. We write and speak to each other regularly.

Chick
Guest
Chick

Hi Anjali I wonder what you have decided in the end with the guy head over heels with you, but you dont feel the same? I am in an exact boat with you. There were two guys. The guy I realised now that I like and may work, ditched me and now with someone else. Im indecisive too just like you and in a different country from the guy that is head over heels with me. I gave him a chance so now dating long distance. Like your guy, my guy just wants to settle down too. I like him,… Read more »

Anthony
Guest
Anthony

The problem with you ladies being indecisive is just because uv not had sex with him just like uv always with the guys u all clam to be in love with and end up deicing u I have discovered women tend not to have emotions for men they’ve not had sex with or intimacy with u can bet a guy who has not been intimate with u yet falling over hells for you without intimacy you are so so lucky let him in into your world but if u can’t steel let him in u end up setting for less.… Read more »

Fairy
Guest
Fairy

You are so wrong Anthony. Woman can do sex without getting bound. I ever try it with some guy who I like but not love, and still I can’t love him.

Adele
Guest
Adele

I never wanted to be with a man who loved me more, but right now I have a man in my life who is so stoic, so unemotional, so extremely masculine, that I don’t know if he loves me at all. It is way harder to do what this article says. I have this man in my life and I sometimes wish for a man that was more demonstrative, more relationship-oriented. I hate that my heart is in this. I feel so powerless and weak. I can see why a woman would choose a man who loves her more. I… Read more »

John
Guest
John

This is a very interesting and thought provoking site. This article begs the question, what do women (and men) mean when they say they are “in love”? I have a friend who was being told by his now ex wife for months that she “loved” him right up to the point that he found her bonking her ex while he was minding the children. Is “I love you” an emotional open check, able to be later interpretted to mean whatever anyone wishes? “You said you loved me: therefore …..”. Is it linguistic laziness: What’s wrong with being specific and saying,… Read more »

Madeline
Guest
Madeline

My sentiments exactly. Women get carried away with all this “soul mate” and “love” stuff. I’m happily married but never calculated who “loved” more etc. We are very compatible, happy and there is a real sense of equality and mutual admiration and respect. Lots of women chase some flimsy, whimsical idea of “love” but they don’t even know what it means.

M Dizzy
Guest
M Dizzy

I think you should thank God for your relationship. You’re very blessed. I would say most women chase what you take for granted.

PM
Guest
PM

Yeah I think that’s the wrong assumption that if you had picked a man who loved you more than you would have “ended up growing into love with him”. In that situation it might have been YOU that ran off and cheated on him. That’s what happens, see.

People grow apart over time, even if the relationship started out on solid footing in the beginning. As people age their wants and maybe even needs changed based on life experience. When you roll the dice, sometimes you lose.

John
Guest
John

And when he realized that you didn’t love him as much as he loved you all these years and that he’s been used by you, what does he do then? Cheat on you.

John
Guest
John

Great post. Extremely refreshing to hear this sort of sense spoken out loud. 🙂

jane
Guest
jane

From my experience, I have been through hardship for a while, when I was little i recognized that my mother had chosen a man she loved more than herself, he was a narcissist and she was codependent. You see the men who are good with their tongues, those who can seduce a woman and play games with her heart, most of the time are the most insecure and those who want to destroy the confident caring woman because they know she is better than then….And by this i mean MORALLY, i connect religion to all of this because i realized… Read more »

Pete
Guest
Pete

Couldn’t have put it better myself. It’s a shame more women don’t realise this, much to their detriment.

Anjali
Guest
Anjali

So, I should probably go for the above mentioned man? He respects me, worships the ground on which I walk, though I just ‘like’ him as a friend. Love manifests itself over the years through complicity, etc. or so, I have heard…

Sarah
Guest
Sarah

I know this is late but I absolutely 100% agree with you! Except from the part when you said ‘they will always control the dumb women with lust’. These women aren’t dumb at all, I was one of them being controlled and I’m certainly not dumb! I am currently studying for a degree in Electrical Electronic engineering and have many distinctions in my assignments. The reason why some women fall for these bad type of guys, is due to those bad guys showing false insincere to the woman first! They know exactly what to do to make the woman fall… Read more »

Larissa
Guest
Larissa

Thanks Renee for the thought provoking (and personally timely) article. I am currently in a situation where a man I foolishly kept in my life thinking or saying out loud that we were ‘friends’ is actually totally in love with me. He cries over it, wants to throw money at me, texts me or calls me everyday (most of which I have to ignore) and tells me he is going to make me his girlfriend. I have nearly succumb to giving in. The problem is, I’m not attracted to him. I don’t love him. After being there for him at… Read more »

John
Guest
John

Up until the point you said you weren’t going to go ahead with your plan, this was one of the most terrifying insights into the female mind I’ve read in a log time. Man are not objects, we are not resources, we are human beings with emotions and feelings which women seem to think don’t exist or just plain don’t matter. It’s the hight of disrespect. I’m not a bitter man, I’m happily dating and have no problem in locating women who do not share this kind of thinking but it does get me thinking. How deep does this mind… Read more »

John
Guest
John

long*
men*

[corrections]

Adele
Guest
Adele

Don’t force yourself to be with him, that’s a disservice to yourself. If you’re not attracted to him there is probably s good reason! He’s probably just not right for you!

PM
Guest
PM

Yes, for the sake of men everywhere, DON’T just use a man for his resources and your emotional fulfillment because of YOUR low self-esteem due to not having a boyfriend. That’s just wrong, for the both of you AND for the rest of us. What’ll happen is you’ll just end up running off someday. Don’t do it. But I agree with John, this is frightening insight into the female mind. I’ve never been married and I make very good money, after I read this stuff I don’t want to seek a partner. Much, much better to be by myself and… Read more »

Sachmet
Guest
Sachmet

Hi PM,

Please don’t let that scare you and don’t forget that this is not a frightening insight into THE female mind but ONE female’s mind. Don’t generalize. Judging from Larissa’s post, she does not seem to be malevolent but rather insecure and maybe a little confused. Personally I feel rather sorry for this.
Moreover – and I am not saying this to hurt you – when you are afraid that a woman might just choose you for your resources and her own selfish needs, you don’t seem to trust your own judgement a lot, do you?

John
Guest
John

Well, I think that was my point.

I don’t trust my judgement any more. The female mind only seems to become more baffling as I age.

Pete
Guest
Pete

I know exactly how you feel. I have many pretty girls chasing me, and friends and family are starting to suspect i’m gay. I want someone to connect with emotionally and ignites the flames of deire. Looks are secondary. If i can’t get that, then whats the point? But like you i wonder if i’m missing out.

Ennitha
Guest
Ennitha

I am in love with a man who is not my type at all! he is crazy about me and will do anything for me, I fell in love with him the minute we met, before I knew his feelings towards me. I feel loved and appreciated,cared for and everything else, he is not rich or anything like that, its just the looks department, he is not ugly either, just not as attractive as all the men I have been with, I know this might sound very superficial but it’s who I am, I have tried t change, but I… Read more »

M Dizzy
Guest
M Dizzy

Maybe you don’t necessarily trust him yet. That’s okay.

Tata
Guest
Tata

I have had married women give me this advice, and it didn’t make sense to me at the time. I have HAD guys who wanted to be with me, and who clearly loved/liked me more than I loved/liked them. I can’t imagine staying with these guys out of desperation for a ring. Some women around me seem to think that I’m a head case or desperate because I am not yet married and in my late 20s. Honestly, I just don’t want to commit to wrong man! I don’t want to settle for someone I don’t love! One of the… Read more »

PM
Guest
PM

See now that’s excellent, good and fair to both yourself and to whichever partner you choose. Good on ya. But I can relate on the inverse side – i’m a man, 41, never been married. I’m college-educated, make good money as a programmer. I’m setting myself up so that I can possibly retire or at least slow down in ten years so I can live the rest of my live unimpeded by work BS. I’m physically fit, do strength training, krav maga/boxing and some form of exercise everyday. I have many interests. The wives of my friends always ask, sometimes… Read more »

Girl from Sydney
Guest
Girl from Sydney

Something that may interest you, if you plan on having children, you may want to do it very soon. Many men think women only have a biological clock ticking, science has now proven men do too…children born to older men have a much higher chance of having ADHD and other mental disorders like bipolar. Food for thought.

Maybe they aren’t jealous but insecure about their partners going out with the single guy. That’s her problem and definitely not yours – I’m with you on that one!

arif
Guest

The woman i loved for 18 months, my first and i’m afraid my last true love says she no longer loves me and is incapable of love..

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