On a primal level, it benefits women to pick a man who is far more in love with her than she is with him, because that feels like he will stick around, and so we (and our babies) can have all his resources.
However, this is the exact thing many men hate about a relationships and commitment to a woman.
Research shows that men fall in love faster, and way harder than women do. Research done by the well respected Anthropologist Helen Fisher, also shows that MEN are far more idealistic about love and relationships than women are.
Are you surprised by this research?
Research shows, also, that women on the other hand, are more pragmatic in dating and relationships.
Here’s what being pragmatic looks like:
“Hm….is he willing to give me marriage and babies?”
“Is he the tallest and smartest one I can get?”
“Is he rich enough to get us through the 18 years of all our children’s lives?”
“Is he the highest status guy I’ve got on my contact list?”
“Is he willing to spend money on me?”
“I’m in love with another man, but he is very busy with work and doesn’t seem to stick around. A safer bet would be to go with the ‘cute’ one who will stick around.”
“I’m not as passionate about him as I am about Daniel, but at least he’ll stick around.”
He likes me more than i like him
The problem is, the whole premise behind “choosing a man who loves you more than you love him” is that it makes men feel like crap.
It breaks hearts, it makes them never want to commit to another woman again.
You don’t know the number of times I’ve heard stories about men who found their first love, ended up falling in love, and felt as though they were willing to give her everything.
But then, after 5 years of marriage, they find out that she’s run off with another man or gotten pregnant to the bad boy.
If you’re interested to see this in action for yourself, start with this discussion page here.
Yes, Men NEED To Be In Love With You, But…
Men need to fall in love with you (from an evolutionary perspective), because it encourages them to shell out their resources to just one woman for the long term.
If they are not in love, they are not likely at all to shell out any resources. Instead, they just keep you around, or have sex with you and then leave.
But if he is in love, he shells out more than just dinner and a movie.
A little bit of money is easy for a man to give out. But falling in LOVE makes men shell out a bunch of other resources that normally feel unnatural to him.
What resources, you may wonder? Emotional resources. For a number of years.
At least the children will have a caring and involved daddy. Good for wife, and good for children.
But remember: just because a man can ‘provide’, doesn’t mean your quality of life is going to be great.
A man being in love with you kind of protects you from being ‘used’ by him. But this doesn’t really mean things will be better for you.
Let me explain why in my article Is It Smart For Women To Look For A Rich Man?
When A Man Loves You More Than You Love Him
When I was 18, my mother and her friends told me to pick a man that loves me more than I love him. I scrunched my nose up. Something didn’t feel right to me, hearing that.
It felt selfish. It felt so guarded and such a miserable way to live.
Sure it seems nicer and less risky to have someone love you more than you love him. Especially to the women who have abandonment issues or fear of abandonment.
But since when has making decisions from fear and the desperate need for safety given you an infinite quality of life?
Here’s a video I made to answer this question of who should love more in a relationship?
Now, many years after my mom and friends told me to marry a man who loves you more than you love him, if you were to ask me: is it wise to pick a man who loves you more than you love him?
I’s say this:
Is it wise to pick a man who loves you more than you love him?
Well my answer is yes and no.
Yes, if you treat relationships as a transaction. (“what is this man worth to me? What can he GIVE me?” “is he willing to have a long term relationship with me?”) (Hey, many women do this.)
No, if you want to live a blissfully happy, passionate and fulfilling life, where other people look at your relationship and envy you.
I choose no.
You might be wondering why that is.
My answer is because: it is only through your authentic emotional vulnerability to a man that YOU get to feel the full pleasure and bliss of what an intimate relationship has to offer: magnifying your emotions. And it is this way that HE gets to feel great with you too.
It can’t work long term unless you both have deep investment in each other as well as INTENSE emotions towards each other.
What do I mean by intense emotions?
After all, that’s the purpose of intimate relationship: to magnify our emotions, and make life more delicious.
If you’re not both responsive to each other and invested, you encounter a lot of trouble: trouble that can and will really hurt one or both of you!
Not to mention, when you choose a man from a place of wanting to take as much as you can (ie: you don’t want to run the risk of caring or investing too much emotion in a man), the only men silly enough to tolerate it are the ones who aren’t very smart.
This is because these are the men who simply aren’t very attuned to a woman.
They don’t know what they’re getting themselves into and they don’t see, hear or feel the warning sign.
Being completely vulnerable to a man, being completely in love, actually gives YOU incredible pleasure.
Provided he is also in love with you, you both get to grow together and develop a loving, healthy, lasting and passionate relationship.
This is why, women who date for resources get very different results than women who date for true love. Here’s an article on Women who Date for Resources Vs Women who Date for True Love.
Should you choose the man who loves you more?
When you are choosing a man from a place of total pragmatism – or even a sense of guardedness, entitlement or closure – you attract only the man who can tolerate that in you.
…And usually, that’s a very silly man (he’s also likely to be the kind of man other women do not want!)
When You choose only pragmatically, or just logically, and not because you are truly in love – and not because you just want a RELATIONSHIP for the sake of a relationship – it’s you who eventually suffers. It’s a transaction, it’s not a relationship.
We don’t live only 15-30 years anymore, like our ancestors did. Back then, the strategy of picking a man who loves you more than you love him worked. I
t got the species procreating, it allowed you access to resources that helped you and your babies live.
(What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…)
But, here’s the problem: We live some 60-120 years now! Now, it’s not the transaction, and what we can GET from a man that makes us giddy and happy in our relationship.
Now, we want happiness. Transactions between a man and a woman aren’t designed for happiness.
We are capable of evolving beyond this transaction thing. At least that’s what I believe in.
To be happy in a relationship, you have to be vulnerable to a man. Not only logical about his WORTH to you.
Being invested in a man?
That takes courage, though. Because, with vulnerability also comes pain. I’m ok with that, aren’t you? Pain is a part of life.
We try to avoid it like it’s the devil. Actually, it’s not – it’s a gift.
Without allowing yourself to feel deep fear and pain, you cannot experience deep love and passion. (Read my article about how to be submissive for love)
Value your long term happiness!
I suggest you value your long-term happiness rather than what’s easy today.
Choose a man who you are obviously in love with, and whom is also obviously in love with you.
Ideally, you should chase each other.
This is how you raise securely attached, truly resourceful and happy children together.
…Because the real resource in life doesn’t just come from a man’s money, it comes from the quality of the bond that you both have together.
I say this because I’ve learned by living through it. My sons don’t get raised by money. They get food on the table healthy food through money. But that money that puts food on their table is not what raises them into good, securely attached, resourceful, non-drug addicted, healthy and high achieving men.
Of course, as a woman, you will always choose the best man, who has the better provider qualities (that you personally value), to be in a relationship with. There is nothing wrong with that, and that’s instinctive whether you like it or not. It’s there to help you.
The question is though:
Why are you really choosing to commit to him long-term?
Are you making the decision to commit to a man for the long term because he loves you more than you love him?
And are you looking to just keep the man around, because if he loves you more, then he WILL stick around?
Because he won’t.
Should a man love a woman more?
You might say “but it’s better that he loves me more!”
I know it seems that way!
But he’ll get tired of desiring you more than you desire him. He’ll get tired of being more invested in the relationship than you are. He’ll want something else.
Also, he’ll be another male statistic that feels used by women. And then he may also go out into the world and use other women, because he’s so angry and resentful.
You Feel More In Control If He Loves You More, But It That a GOOD tHING?
Is it a good thing if he loves you more than you love him?
Well think about it like this:
If you love him less, then you will not invest as much in the relationship as he would.
Think about the consequences of that for a moment.
Can you think of any possible consequences of that, for you?
I can, and it goes a little like this. Let me use the example of the popular female love strategy: getting the man to initiate contact 80% of the time, while the woman initiates only 20% of the time.
With this 80/20 rule of contacting a man: if you only put in 20%, and he always puts in 80%, you might feel in control, but that lost 20% is a massive deficit to your relationship bank that will show through soon enough.
It will exhaust him and he will begin to resent you if he’s silly enough to tolerate it for too long.
I choose to say it is not wise, for your own long term happiness, to choose a man who is more in love with you than you are with him.
I don’t want to make my values your values, too, though. They are my values. And that’s how I chose my husband (whom, by the way, I met and fell in love with when he was dead broke.)
Isn’t it interesting though, that now, many years later, this is the exact same man who has given me a credit card that I never have to pay back? It is something I never would have just expected from him. He gave it because he wanted to.
(Just remember that although broke or jobless men may at first look like a red flag, broke or jobless men CAN still be high value.)
So what do you think? Would you prefer to choose the man who is in love with you while you like him just ‘enough’ to be with him?
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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