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Are you searching for true love, or are you searching for resources?

There’s a huge difference between a woman who is searching for true love, versus a woman who is searching for resources.

Why? Because there’s an enormous difference in the type of man these two types of women would attract.

There’s also a difference in the amount of fulfilment, power and success they would both feel with men and dating.

Of course, true love is a resource in and of itself. However, when you’re searching for true love, by default you actually ADD value; you give value and resources, because you are actively valuing connection.

However, when you search for resources from men, connection is no longer a priority for you (if it ever was). You go into the dating world looking to take value, and it becomes more about what you can get.

So by default, that takes away the connection and love you will inspire men to feel for you and with you.

Now, let’s not make the mistake of thinking that women who are searching for resources are wrong, because they are not. They are not wrong – it’s just a different strategy.

Plenty of humans use the strategy, so it is not new, nor is it wrong.

The younger you are, the more inclined you are to value true love…

As women and as humans, it’s a general truth that the younger we are, the more innocent we are. Our minds are fresh and our approach to love is more innocent; generally speaking.

The world fascinates us, and we don’t approach it with the attitude of I’ve been burned before, so I’m closing off” or “I’ve been used before, so everybody should be here to serve me now.”

What I’ve noticed is that sometimes, when ladies get into their 30s and 40s, we can get to a point where we feel a huge sense of urgency to find a man.

We start to believe that true love is a luxury that time won’t afford us.

And I don’t believe that this is solely a mental thing. It’s our biology speaking to us.

And this is the danger. As we grow older, we might have more value to offer, but we also become more at risk of becoming the woman who is searching for resources rather than true love. This is because you consciously know that you need to hurry up and find a man who is “the right fit” or is “suitable” for getting married and/or raising a family.

You’re looking for resources, in other words. You’re looking to take value.

Of course, this is not the mindset of every woman in her 30s and 40s – this is just a generalisation.

Separation from our parents as babies shapes us to choose independence over connection

Unfortunately, on top of the sense of entitlement or urgency we may feel as women, we do live in a world that truly pushes women to end up in the category of “searching for resources”, because our society actively encourages us to not value family, romantic love and connection from a very early age.

I know there’s Disney movies that carry with them the message that you should ‘find love’.

However, the message from Disney movies can be easily overshadowed by our daily experiences with our peer groups in school and elsewhere.

Allow me to briefly explain. Think about this for a moment:

We are pulled from our families very young (often when we are only a few months old) to go to daycare, kinder, and eventually, school. If you’re lucky, your parents didn’t have to (or want to) send you to daycare or kinder.

However, many parents don’t perceive that they have a choice whether or not to keep their child at home, allowing the child to be the velcro baby that many of us are as infants and toddlers.

So from very early on, there’s this dynamic of separation that permeates through our human relationships. And emotional distance (read: “independence”) becomes our equilibrium.

And of course, this becomes the fuel for anxious or avoidant attachment styles for many of us.

Of course, many families remain “close”. But I question how close a family can be, when you spend a third of your life away from your family, forced to fit in with and be relying on friends who are not your blood, and who often cannot be trusted?

You may find a few friends who can be trusted and who want the best for you of course, but we all have a few friends who never wanted the best for us.

In many different contexts of life, women are in competition with each other (or at least feel that they are in competition with each other), and if you’re not blood or family – you really have to have a reason, a common context or goal, in order to hang out together and form a lasting (real) friendship.

Not to mention that when you’re at school, very often, you have to spend a lot of your energy trying to weather the social storms as well as seeking the approval of your peer group.

And of course, over time, the encouragement to “be independent” and the messages given to us by feminism (which permeates through schools), influence us.

This influence passes through schools and home, and eventually the “group-think” of your social circle takes over, and you become another one of these women who feels that a career is most important, because sadly, you can’t – and shouldn’t – rely on any man!

So, from a young age, we practice a thing called emotional distancing – to survive. We trust relationships and love (with men) a little less than we should.

We are shipped off before we feel ready to break that attachment to our family, which can damage our attachment style, and we get placed into an environment that feels exciting, but doesn’t actually make us happy.

Now, how does all this apply to you, as a woman dating in current times?

It applies dramatically. It means that most of us in the industrialised world have been conditioned to put separation before true attunement and communion.

We have been conditioned to put money, career and social status before connection, femininity and true love with a man.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting higher social status or a career. They are a part of being human, though not everyone values those things.

Yet, when society glorifies casual sex, money, status, popularity and achievement – you’re bathed in everything that can put you out of balance as a woman. Not to mention that getting too obsessed with these things can sabotage your attempts at finding true love (from a very young age.)

So, in some areas of the world, it’s no longer cool to want to find true love and real connection with a man at a young age.

The kind of connection our grandfathers and grandmothers had, where they were truly there for each other through thick and thin – the kind of connection that was based on love rather than transactional value or exchanges.

So, in some areas of the world, it’s no longer cool to want to find true love and real connection with a man at a young age.

The kind of connection our grandfathers and grandmothers had, where they were truly there for each other through thick and thin – the kind of connection that was based on love rather than transactional value or exchanges.

Now, we are finding ourselves in our 30s, stuck with the shock realisation that a lot (not all) of those high value men were taken very young, and very often they are taken by the women who WERE choosing to value relationships, family and connection over independence and career.

I don’t know about you, but I have found that in the western world, if you fall in love and settle down young, you’re sometimes considered to be not “fully exploring your options” and “wasting your youth away.”

So we are actively encouraged to have casual relationships for a number of years, to make sure that we don’t get tied down too young or look too silly next to our super cool, clever and independent friends.

Why you should be the kind of woman who is searching for true love…

The good news is that it doesn’t matter about our looks, age or social status. Great men, or men who are looking for a wife – men who are searching for their one and only, still value the kind of woman who shows up as the one and only.

And those traits that put you in the ‘one and only woman’ basket will never change. Also, what puts you in the ‘one of many’ basket will never change.

So you can start showing up as the one and only at any time, and at any age.

The key to truly having everything you want with a man is to show up as the kind of woman who is searching for true love. In other words, be the one and only woman.

The one and only type of woman is different from the ‘one of many’ type of woman. If you are searching for resources, then you are a ‘one of many’ kind of woman – because you are not going to make any enduring emotional connections with men.

That’s what happens when you want to take value before you want to connect.

The one and only type of woman is different from the ‘one of many’ type of woman. If you are searching for resources, then you are a ‘one of many’ kind of woman – because you are not going to make any enduring emotional connections with men.

That’s what happens when you want to take value before you want to connect.

By the way, here are 3 Reasons All Men Secretly Love to Commit.

You cannot date for both money AND love

When you get to that point of just searching for resources – when you get to the point of just valuing men who are willing to shell out resources before they’ve built up any deep emotional connection with you – you automatically filter out the men who want to emotionally commit and connect with you.

You cannot date for love AND money – you just can’t.

You cannot value both at the same time, because they are by nature in contradiction with each other.

So your best bet is to choose what you value the most, and go with that, knowing that it fundamentally changes the types of men and relationships you will attract into your life.

You see, if you value true love, you will be willing to be a part of a team with a man, rather than vet men based on what they have to offer you in resources up-front.

I know there’s ideas circulating out there on the world wide web that suggest you can have both love and money.

And in theory, you can. But when you’re a woman DATING to find a man who truly loves you and puts you first – you cannot go into it looking for resources over love.

Because if you value resources over real love, a man can’t (and won’t) fall in love with you, and you will never be categorised as the one and only woman.

If you want to learn more about that, check out this article on The Women Men Commit to VS The Women Men Leave.

Men being infatuated with you is not the same as being in love with you

Don’t get me wrong – men can still spoil you and become infatuated with you if you are the ‘one of many’ woman.

But they won’t feel romantic love for you. This is because falling in love is a two-way street. It requires nothing less than full attunement between man and woman. And attunement doesn’t exist when you value resources over love, because you’re looking to take value.

By the way, there are exactly 7 signs that a woman is low value in the eyes of men. Do you know what they are? (And how to avoid them like the plague?) Find out what they are here. 

You see, people who are in love don’t go into the world looking to take. They give, naturally. They are radiant. That’s the emotional state that being in love inspires in people.

This is why strategies such as the “80/20” rule of contacting a man backfire on women. When you expect a man to put in 80% of the effort to contact you, check up on you, and invite you to do something or share an experience together – you lose attunement with him.

Creating rules for how men should be stops the flow of love. Choosing resources and your sense of certainty over attunement (which is required for romantic love to exist), does come at a price.

You have to value one more than the other when you are searching and dating men. This is because your inner desires and biases will show up when you are dating and talking to men.

Men will sense the tension of your “needing” and your “urgency”. And guess what happens when men sense this? You can quickly become a target for the narcissistic, manipulative and toxic men.

They may even try to take advantage of you.

Care about HIM more than his resources

High value men NEED you to put connection first.

That’s how they want it, because that’s how they fall in love with you.

If you mistakenly believe that men value sex more than anything else, you may very well try to short-cut the process of him falling in love, by having sex out of fear or anxiety, before any true love has been built up between both of you.

By the way, here’s an article my husband D. Shen wrote on The Two Traits of Women that Men Routinely Fall in Love With.

We are more than just our surface level desires…

I am a woman, and so I intuitively “get” the need for resources. We as women look for more generous, ambitious men and we are naturally more pragmatic than men are when we are searching for a mate. This has been proven by the anthropologist Helen Fisher.

However, most of us also have a heart and soul. And I say most of us because, well, a few of us humans (man or woman) actually don’t have a soul.

Not only do most of us have a soul, we are more than just our fears, our desperation or our anxiety. We are a spiritual species as well. And that part of us allows us to form intangible, broadband level connections with men.

There’s just a special quality in women (and men!) who are innocent and courageous enough to value connection first, because these women are the ones who inspire men to fall in love and take care of them – not just for a few months until some new woman comes along – but forever. And that is for. ever.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with seeking resources from a man. You just need to be aware that when you do that, you will be in short-term relationships where you won’t have anything more with that man than transactional fulfilment rather than soul fulfilment.

You may also always have this underlying concern that other women will come and take a piece of his money, status, and time away from you. Because a part of you knows that the real security is not present: the hard-earned, organic glue that is emotional connection and emotional attraction.

So, life is a journey. We all know that. And inevitably, any woman with a soul gets to a point where she wants something deeper. Something that is intangible. And that intangible thing is true love.

Real love and connection that lasts through the tests of old age, joblessness, economic depression, and imperfection. On that note, here’s an article about why Men Don’t Fall in Love with Perfect Women.

The credit card I never have to pay back…

My husband sometimes shares with the women that we teach that he has given me a credit card that I never have to pay back. Of course, sometimes women are shocked when they hear this.

And it is his request that I never ask him whether I can purchase a particular thing, because he finds that a waste of his time.

Just for the record, I rarely – if ever – purchase anything other than food for my family using that credit card. But I know it’s there if I should ever actually really need it.

Upon first thought, this all sounds like a lovely privilege right?

However, appearances aren’t always what they seem, and it wasn’t just a stroke of luck – because these privileges and offers weren’t there for me when my husband and I were homeless, and he was driving a Mitsubishi magna from 1856 that took more pisses than he did.

For a number of years, I paid our bills 50/50.

I paid our rent 50/50.

I even gave him my hard-saved up money in the bank to FIX his old, broken down car, which he needed for work, travel and normal daily activites. Shock, horror…some women around me looked at me like I was stupid when I did that.

(And I don’t recommend that you do that unless you already trust a man).

So, the 50/50 situation – that’s the way it was. For years and years – even after we got our of our difficult situation.

Sure, he tried to spoil me and paid for a beautiful dress here and there (which was ridiculously expensive for him), but our bills and grocery shopping were paid 50/50.

Of course, it may not surprise you that a rare few women also looked at me in shock back then!

HOW could I date a man who drove such a car? It was such an eyesore.

If I had chosen to listen to other people around me, perhaps valuing status and money – or immediate resources over love – then I may be in a very different position.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m sure that had I had a certain set of life experiences that were different than what I have had – I may have just as readily valued immediate resources in a man before love. And there’d be nothing wrong with that!

There’s nothing wrong with having either approach!

But I do believe that we should be conscious of what we’re choosing and valuing – because these unconscious values dictate how we show up, and how men will categorise us when they meet us.

So, I’m not here to tell you what to do – I’m just some woman!

And I respect that there’s a place for either approach – valuing true love or valuing resources. Either one of these approaches will lead to you being the ‘one of many’ woman or the ‘one and only’ woman.

If you want to learn the 5 Secrets to have any man fall in love with you and beg you to be his one and only woman, you should check out my DVD “Becoming His One & Only”.

I’m here to suggest (if you would allow me), that regardless of your age, it’s ok to value connection with a man first.

You CAN value how ambitious and resourceful he is.

You CAN value his generosity.

But not more than you value HIM, and your connection together.

No matter your age, your looks, income or social status, you don’t have to be afraid of real love, intimacy and connection.

You don’t have to be afraid to be emotionally vulnerable and to remove your masks so that you become bare, real and authentic.

Money comes and goes. Good looking men can come and go. The only thing that has real, lasting value for your future and your future children – is the quality of your intimate relationship with your man.

Money doesn’t raise children.

Status doesn’t raise children.

Emotionally resourceful couples raise children.

And these emotionally resourceful couples are only as resourceful as the quality of their love and connection.

Always remember that the high value, commitment-minded men will intuitively look for your willingness to be attuned to and at one with them.

These are the men with a soul, the ones who will expose your resistance to intimacy, attunement and love. They will test you and demand that you choose LOVE through your fears.

I hope you enjoyed this article.

Here’s an article I wrote on the 10 Telltale Signs He is A Highly Evolved, Deeply Masculine Alpha Male.

If you want to figure out how much your man cares about you, you can read my article ‘Is he Serious About You? Or “just interested”? Critical Distinction.

Please leave me a comment below, and let me know how you feel about this post. What has been your experience with valuing resources over true love, or perhaps valuing true love over resources?

renee wade

P.S. Connect with me on social media

Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link

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Moody Potato
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Moody Potato

It was very nice. Thanks for sharing.
5 ways social media can benefit every relationship

Evelyn
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Evelyn

Hey Renee, I have a question for you – maybe you could provide some insights. Over the past year I have realised that I have taken being nurturing very literally and have started mothering my boyfriend. We had an explosive fight a few days ago where he says he has started to resent me for acting like his mother and I don’t even feel like his girlfriend anymore. I kind of took a step back and realised that he was correct – I was constantly nagging him and asking him to do things when I wanted them and how I… Read more »

Arilee
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Arilee

Really enjoyed this video and the nature walk THANK YOU for thinking of us ❤️

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