How To deal with Jealousy in A Relationship: The Dos & Don’ts

How to deal with jealousy in a relationship?

Firstly, I’d like to say that jealousy is neither a good nor bad emotion to have. It’s how you use it. How to deal with jealousy is a common question I get via my contact page.

I’ve had several requests to approach this problem in an article, and I’ve always waited and put it off, as it’s a difficult topic to handle.

I have decided to finally break it down and give my thoughts on what works best.

How To Overcome Jealousy in Your Relationship

Is Jealousy Bad?

Jealousy as an emotion itself is not bad at all. It’s how you express your jealousy (or lack of expression of jealousy) that can be bad.

Overall, jealousy can be a powerfully useful emotion. It can get you so uncomfortable that you have to make a change in your life. That’s if you value growth.

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Eu-Jealousy

I want to say that one of the biggest problems in relationships is that women get angry and cause arguments with their man over their jealousy.

And these arguments are often happening because they don’t want to admit their feelings of jealousy to their man in the first place. They don’t even want to admit it to themselves.  They want their man to think they’re ‘sane’, in control, ‘stable’ and not a crazy bitch or ‘insecure’.

Related: Should I Control My Emotions To Be High Value?

Well, to hell with that! Crazy bitch is an integral part of femininity.

Ok. That’s probably a bit ‘out there’ for you, so let me explain…

Feminine energy isn’t linear. (Masculine energy is).

And so due to our heightened sensitivity (by virtue of being feminine women) and due to our changing emotions, sometimes we can be perceived as crazy bitch by the male species.

You don’t want to be “crazy bitch” in the sense that you are unhinged in your desire to hurt others. That’s not acceptable.

But here’s a bit of an inconvenient truth about feminine energy:

It creates and destroys.

It is not always nice and palatable.

This is not to say that you run around with a chain saw and chop people to pieces.

I mean to suggest that the flow of emotion in the feminine is so powerful that it can be soft and calm, and it can be wild and out of control.

I’m not talking about treating a man badly, and expecting him to just take it (if he’s got a strong masculine energy, he won’t anyway – he’ll just leave!)

I mean the element of irrationality, spontaneity, and emotional craziness that the feminine embodies.

A lot of men and women make this crazy emotional thing wrong. So women suppress it, and go inward.

This is like never flushing the toilet. At some point, the smell is going to get so bad, you’ll have to flush the toilet.

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How To Deal with Jealousy In A Relationship? USE It

Jealousy isn’t something a feminine woman should be condemned for. Especially when it comes to your intimate relationship.

Why? Because jealousy means you care.

It means you care about and love your man.

(Read my article how most women reject their femininity)

But I am not saying that it’s natural for you to get insanely jealous when your man so much as talks to another woman, or smiles at another woman. (That could just be your anxious attachment triggers acting up.)

I’m saying that the answer to knowing how to deal with jealousy in a relationship is to know that when you feel jealous – it’s not always time to suppress it.

Sometimes, it’s time to use it.

It’s a powerful emotion that, when used properly, has the power to take your relationship (and life) to a higher level.

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How To Deal With Jealousy In A Relationship: Don’t Go Too Far…

There’s this damaging idea out there that if you’re the jealous type, then you’re basically broken, because you’re insecure.

Well, all humans have some level of insecurity. A small amount of insecurity is useful. If we didn’t have it, we wouldn’t be motivated to keep what’s ours.

We wouldn’t be motivated to add value to, and work hard for our man, or our business, or anything that we’re passionate about.

But a lot of people really dislike this idea of feeling insecure, so they swing the pendulum right to the other end – where they just go too far. They resort to solutions like asking their partner this:

Why don’t we have an open relationship?

Increasingly, I come across couples who are settling for open relationships, settling for letting their partner “be free” (free in a bad way) to do what they want regardless, to try to eliminate and bottle up feelings of jealousy or ‘possessiveness’.

Or they settle for an open relationship to ‘get the best of both worlds’.

But what is both worlds?! And people are, unfortunately, becoming more and more in to the idea of “independence” in their intimate relationship. The kind of independence that leads to each partner being there only when its convenient.

(Read my article about do women need multiple men)

The kind of ‘independence’ and carefree approach that leads men to have the attitude of (this is in my man’s words, so please forgive the bad language):

“My dick is your dick”.

This is a sure-fire way to destroy true masculinity (and it’s a big suppressor of real masculinity).

We don’t deal with jealousy by trying to escape it.

Instead, we should deal with jealousy in a way that honours it, and allows us to feel closer to our lover.

So why is settling for ‘open relationships’ such a bad solution for dealing with jealousy in a relationship?

It’s because all that does is it reduces your investment in your man.

Instead of honouring your desire to have him to yourself (to the exclusion of all other women), you try to become this “better” (read: fake) person who doesn’t feel any jealousy and doesn’t feel the need to hold onto your precious relationship.

This is rather backwards in my view.

Why?

Because the more you spread your eggs over many baskets, the less loyal any man is going to be to you.

Aside from people trying to deal with jealousy by having multiple partners or having an ‘open relationship’, people pride themselves on being on the extreme end of independence.

Let’s talk about that.

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Ownership And Feminine Energy

The kind of independence I’m talking about is born out of the belief that you cannot ‘own’ someone. Bollocks. You CAN own someone. And not in the way you may initially think.

It takes an extraordinary person to own their partner. Please think about this. This idea of independence is another destroyer of feminine energy.

Deep down, every woman with a feminine sexual essence wants to be owned.

Don’t believe me? Would you prefer that your husband/boyfriend didn’t mind if other men were hitting on you?

Would you prefer that he let you do whatever you wish, where you wish, in whatever way you wish without caring enough to ask you about what you’re doing?

Would you prefer that your man was so ‘respectful’ of your boundaries and independence that when you were making love, he was afraid to express his deepest desire for you?

Would you prefer that he valued ‘independence’ so much that he never called you (even if you were out past the time you said you would be) for fear of sabotaging or interrupting your ‘independent’ time?

Or would you prefer a man who is not afraid to express what he wants, not afraid to express that he wants you to himself so much that he does feel possessive of you, and somewhat territorial?

(But NOT controlling, abusive or tyrannical. There’s a difference).

Masculinity isn’t real or in full expression until a man shows his passion (and doesn’t make that passion and desire wrong).

Could you truly respect him if he rejected his own true feelings out of fear of upsetting you or sabotaging your ‘independence’?

QUIZ TIME: Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with this specially crafted quiz! (All the answers you seek about him lie within these 8 questions.)

More On Independence…

I don’t believe in independence. A least not in the conventional sense.

In fact, I think it kills depth, passion, intimacy, and defeats the very purpose of being together with somebody in the first place.

This glorifying independence is the same thing behind this popular idea that “attachment is the root of all suffering.”

Click here to find out whether attachment REALLY is the root of all suffering?

But attachment is at the core of who we are. It’s kep us alive. It’s kept YOU alive. If you weren’t built to seek out attachment with your mother and father (in whatever form you could get from them), you would’ve died.

There are times in which independence can be a good thing.

For example…

A lot of couples stay together for safety, for fear of being alone, for fear of losing resources, for fear of losing love, for fear of having to grow, etc.

In these cases, dependence is the problem. And at this extreme, dependence can also kill passion.

So, as usual, we have to find a balance between the two extremes.

Independence is good when you consider independence to be that you are both confident, whole human beings who don’t rely on each other for self-validation or fulfilment.

Part of a healthy relationship is being together because you want to be and choose to be because you want to give your feminine and masculine gifts to one another.

You want to love the other person, without qualifications, limitations, or excuses.

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How To Deal With Jealousy In A Relationship: Know Where Jealousy Comes From?

I believe it comes from a fear of losing love. A fear of abandonment, a fear of losing the very person you invested all this (finite) energy into.

It may also come from…

A fear of not being enough. A fear that another woman has something we don’t. A fear that another woman is more beautiful than us. A fear that another woman can provide her man with something that we cannot.

(Read my article about how to deal with jealous women)

Often, these fears can leave a woman boiling with rage – probably to the point of extreme self-destruction (and hence destroying all femininity because she is unsure of how to deal with it, and also makes the emotion of jealousy wrong).

Most women think that because another woman is more beautiful, they cannot measure up, or compare.

Every feminine woman is right in worrying about this. This is our gift to the world and most importantly – to our man. It is our most precious gift – beauty. Not just physical beauty, but the beauty of our radiance and the beauty of our presence.

If we feel that we cannot provide this adequately, of course we’re going to be unhappy or feel jealous.

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What Is The Traditional Way Of Dealing With Jealousy?

When I was growing up, everybody dealt with the issue of jealousy by saying things like this:

“You can’t own someone”.

“You CAN’T own a human being”.

“You can own a dog but y’all can’t own a human.”

That’s like saying you’ll never achieve the success you want in your life because of all the independent variables that you have no control over in your life.

True – there are things you can’t control – but there are things you can control (such as your own personal power and whether you choose to use it or not).

In the past, I mindlessly nodded my head to the above advice and did my best to employ this strategy.

Even though I am a woman, I could never help but feel that there was a part of me who wanted to own my man, and have him to myself.

Not in the way a man would own a woman, but I wanted to be so close-knit with my man that nothing could break us apart. I wanted that consistent feeling of being in love to the exclusion of others.

To this day, I still find it to be true in my own life that you can give a man full freedom whilst owning him. No woman should ever restrict a man. Restrict a man’s freedom and your relationship is as good as gone.

After time, and many lengthy conversations with girlfriends, I realised the core of what we all want as women:

We want that kind of relationship where you and your man are both so intertwined, so in love, so passionate about one another, that you couldn’t fear another woman coming in to your man’s life.

CLICK HERE to LEARN the one specific emotional trigger within every masculine man that inspires him to want to take care of you, worship you and deeply commit to you.

Overcoming Jealousy For GOOD

And, here’s the truth: you can have that. And your jealousy can take you there.

Here’s how to say bye-bye to jealousy. There’s only one way.

Own him. Know that no other woman could add as much value to this man or love this man as much as you can.

Care so much and be so fearless in your desire to connect and attract, and in your desire to fulfil him that there’s no way another woman could threaten your position.

Don’t shy away from the jealousy. Use it.

Own his masculinity. Understand it and take care of him in a way no other woman could.

Thank jealousy for being there, and giving you a signal that you need to give more heart and soul.

Remember it’s called EU-jealousy.

It’s not about thinking you’re superior to all other women out there. It’s about loving so much that it hurts. And giving so much (actual value) that there’s no way any other woman could “take something away from you”…

“What you give you get to keep – what you fail to give – you lose forever”.

And it’s about not being afraid of your true capacity and power in a relationship.

A lot of women are afraid of their power. Any woman or man has the power to own their partner. Again, I don’t mean restricting, controlling, fear-based actions.

I mean adding value and thereby knowing your value. 

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

QUIZ TIME: Are you truly living in your feminine energy? CLICK HERE to find out with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!

Overcoming Jealousy Requires An Enormous Amount Of Strength

This isn’t for the faint-hearted, however.

The strength and commitment needed is probably more strength than you’ll ever need.

But if you’re truly committed, you’ll do it. And if you’re not truly committed, then what are you doing in a relationship in the first place?

There’s no grey area here. You either commit or you leave. Don’t waste anybody’s time! Especially your own!

Another thing: don’t be afraid to openly admit your feelings.

If you’re jealous, it’s much better to admit it to him (not by trashing the house or throwing hateful comments at him) tell him that you want to work on it.

It’s preferable to explore the jealousy openly over being in denial about it. If you’re ever going to be intimate with your man, then you’re going to want to know that you both have felt jealousy in the relationship before!

There’s nothing wrong with admitting that you want him to understand and support you.

See: when you do the above things, when you begin to really own each other in a relationship, you’ll start to feel jealousy less.

You’ll be safe yet free, confident in what you have, and you’ll know your value to him.

Learn more about men from our Understanding Men program, click here to get more information.

I hope you enjoyed this article. Let me know what you thought of it. Do you believe you can own someone?  What do you think of open relationships? Do you think jealousy is a bad emotion?


renee wade what to do when he doesn't call

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