How to deal with jealousy in a relationship?
Firstly, I’d like to say that jealousy is neither a good nor bad emotion to have. It’s how you use it. How to deal with jealousy is a common question I get via my contact page.
I’ve had several requests to approach this problem in an article, and I’ve always waited and put it off, as it’s a difficult topic to handle.
I have decided to finally break it down and give my thoughts on what works best.
Is jealousy bad?
Jealousy as an emotion itself is not bad at all. It’s how you express your jealousy (or lack of expression of jealousy) that can be bad.
Overall, jealousy can be a powerfully useful emotion. It can get you so uncomfortable that you have to make a change in your life. That’s if you value growth. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)
And I want to say that one of the biggest problems in relationships is that women get angry and cause arguments with their man over their jealousy.
And these arguments are often happening because they don’t want to admit that they have jealousy to their man in the first place. They don’t even want to admit it to themselves. They want their man to think they’re ‘sane’, in control, ‘stable’ and not a crazy bitch or ‘insecure’.
Well, to hell with that! Crazy bitch is an integral part of femininity. Femininity creates and destroys. This is not to say that you run around with a chain saw and chop people to pieces, NO!
I mean that the flow of emotion in the feminine is so powerful that it can be soft and calm, and it can be wild and out of control.
I’m not talking about treating a man badly, and expecting him to just take it (if he’s got a strong masculine, he won’t anyway, he’ll just leave! – I mean the element of irrationality, spontaneity, and craziness that the feminine embodies).
A lot of men and women make this crazy emotional thing wrong. So women suppress it, and go inward. This is like never flushing the toilet. At some point, the smell is going to get so bad, you’ll have to flush the toilet.
By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!
Jealousy and true care
Jealousy isn’t something a feminine woman should be condemned for. Especially when it comes to your intimate relationship. Why? Because jealousy means you care. It means you care about and love your man. (read my article how most women reject their femininity)
But I am not saying that it’s natural for you to get insanely jealous when your man so much as talks to another woman, or smiles at another woman. No. I’m saying that when you feel jealous – USE it. It’s a powerful emotion that, when used properly, has the power to take your relationship (and life) to a higher level.
Eu-Jealousy. Good jealousy.
Let’s just have an open relationship, shall we?
The reason I say this is because increasingly, I come across couples who are settling for open relationships, settling for letting their partner “be free” (free in a bad way) to do what they want regardless, to try to eliminate and bottle up feelings of jealousy and ‘possessiveness’.
Or they settle for an open relationship to ‘get the best of both worlds’. “But what IS both worlds?!” And people are, unfortunately, becoming more and more in to the idea of “independence” in their intimate relationship. The kind of independence that leads to each partner being there only when its convenient. (read my article about do women need multiple men)
The kind of ‘independence’ and carefree attitude that leads men to have the attitude of (this is in my man’s words, so please forgive the bad language): “my dick is your dick”. A sure-fire way to destroy true masculinity (and big suppressor of said masculinity).
Ownership and feminine energy
The kind of independence I’m talking about is born out of the belief that you cannot ‘own’ someone. Bollocks. You CAN own someone. And not in the way you think. It takes an extraordinary person to own their partner. Please think about this. This idea of independence is another destroyer of feminine energy.
Deep down, every woman with a feminine sexual essence wants to be owned. Don’t believe me? Would you prefer that your husband/boyfriend didn’t mind if other men were hitting on you? Would you prefer that he let you do whatever you wish, where you wish, in whatever way you wish without caring enough to ask you about what you’re doing?
Would you prefer that your man was so ‘respectful’ of your boundaries and independence that when you were making love, he was afraid to express his deepest desire for you? Would you prefer that he valued ‘independence’ so much that he never called you (even if you were out past the time you said you would be) for fear of sabotaging or interrupting your ‘independent’ time?
Or would you prefer a man who is not afraid to express what he wants, not afraid to express that he wants you to himself so much that he does feel possessive of you, and somewhat territorial (but NOT controlling, abusive or tyrannical. There’s a difference).
Masculinity isn’t real or in full expression until a man shows his passion. And doesn’t make that passion and desire wrong. Could you truly respect him if he rejected his own true feelings for fear of upsetting you? Or sabotaging your ‘independence’?
More on independence…
I don’t believe in independence. A least not in the conventional sense. In fact, I think it kills depth, passion, intimacy, and defeats the very purpose of being together with somebody in the first place. There are times in which independence can be a good thing.
For example. A lot of couples stay together for safety, for fear of being alone, for fear of losing resources, for fear of losing love, for fear of having to grow, etc. In such a case, dependence is the problem. And at this extreme, dependence can also kill passion. So, as usual, we have to find a balance between the two extremes.
Independence is good when you consider independence to be that you are both confident, whole human beings who don’t rely on each other for self-validation, for sex, for certainty, for whatever – but rather, are together because you WANT to be and CHOOSE to be because you want to give your feminine and masculine gifts to one another. You want to love the other person, without qualifications, limitations, or excuses.
So where does jealousy come from?
Well, that’s a good question if I do say so myself. I believe it comes from a fear of losing love. A fear of abandonment, a fear of fear itself. A fear of not being enough. A fear that another woman has something we don’t. A fear that another woman is more beautiful than us. A fear that another woman can provide her man with something that we cannot. (read my article about how to deal with jealous women)
Often, these fears can leave a woman boiling with rage – probably to the point of extreme self-destruction (and hence destroying all femininity because she is unsure of how to deal with it, and also makes the emotion wrong). Most women think that because another woman is more beautiful, they cannot measure up, or compare.
Every feminine woman is right in worrying about this. This is our gift to the world and most importantly – to our man. It is our most precious gift – BEAUTY. Not just physical. If we feel that we cannot provide this, of course we’re going to be unhappy! No woman who is feminine at her core is going to be fulfilled if she is not giving her true gift.
The traditional way of dealing with jealousy
When I was growing up, everybody dealt with the issue of jealousy by saying “you can’t own someone, YA KNOWWW”. “Ya CAIN’T own a human being”. “Y’all can own a DOG but y’all can’t own a HUMAN’! “Mkaaaaay?!!”
No. Not ok.
That’s like saying you’ll never achieve the success you want in your life because of all the independent variables that you have no control over in your life. True – there are things you can’t control – but there are things you CAN control (such as your own personal power and whether you choose to use it or not).
And so to the above advice I mindlessly nodded my head and did my best to employ this strategy. Even though I am a woman, I could never help but feel that there was a part of me who wanted to own my man, and have him to myself. Not in the way a man would own a woman, but I wanted to be so close-knit (not dependent!) with my man that nothing could break us apart. That consistent feeling of being in love to the exclusion of others.
To this day, I still find it to be true in my own life that you can give a man full freedom whilst owning him. No woman should ever restrict a man. Restrict a man’s freedom and your relationship is as good as gone.
After time, and many lengthy conversations with girlfriends, I realized that that was it: I think a lot of us want that kind of relationship where you are both so intertwined (but not dependent), so in love, so passionate about one another, that you couldn’t fear another woman coming in to your man’s life.
Overcoming jealousy for GOOD
And, here’s the truth: you can have that. And your jealousy can take you there.
Here’s how to say buh-bye to jealousy. There’s only one way.
Own him. KNOW that no other woman could love this man as much as YOU can. Care so much, and fulfill him so much that there’s no way another woman could threaten your position. Don’t shy away from the jealousy. Use it.
Own his masculinity. Understand it and nurture Him in a way no other woman could.
Thank jealousy for being there, and giving you a signal that you need to give more heart and soul. EU-jealousy. It’s not about thinking you’re superior to all other women out there. It’s about loving so much that it hurts. And giving so much that there’s no way any other woman could “take something away from you” – ‘What you give you get to keep – what you fail to give – you lose forever’.
And it’s about not being afraid of your true capacity and power in a relationship. A lot of women are afraid of their power. Any woman or man has the power to own their partner. Again, I don’t mean restricting, controlling, fear-based actions. I mean adding value and thereby knowing your value. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)
Overcoming Jealousy requires an enormous amount of strength
This isn’t for the faint-hearted, however. The strength and commitment needed is probably more strength than you’ll ever need. But if you’re truly committed, you’ll do it. And if you’re not truly committed, then what are you doing in a relationship in the first place?
There’s no gray area here. You either commit. Or you leave. Don’t waste anybody’s time! Especially your own!
Another thing: don’t be afraid to openly admit your feelings. If you’re jealous, express it to him (not by trashing the house or throwing snide, critical and hateful comments at him) and tell him that you want to work on it, and that you want him to understand and support you.
And when you do the above things, when you begin to really own each other in a relationship, you’ll rarely feel any jealousy. You’ll be safe yet free, and confident in what you have, and you’ll know your value to him.
I hope you enjoyed this article. Let me know what you thought of it. Do you believe you can own someone? What do you think of open relationships? Do you think jealousy is a bad emotion?
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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