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Article updated 2018

Firstly, I’d like to say that jealousy is neither a good nor bad emotion to have. It’s how you use it. How to deal with jealousy is a common question I get via my contact page.

I’ve had several requests to approach this problem in an article, and I’ve always waited and put it off, as it’s a difficult topic to handle. I have decided to finally break it down and give my thoughts on what works best. So I apologize to those lovely ladies who have been waiting a while for this subject to be dealt with.

Is jealousy bad?

Jealousy as an emotion itself is not bad at all. It’s how you express your jealousy (or lack of expression of jealousy) that can be bad. But overall, jealousy can be a powerfully useful emotion. It can get you so uncomfortable that you have to make a change in your life. That’s if you value growth. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Eu-Jealousy

And I want to say that one of the biggest problems in relationships is that women get angry and cause arguments with their man over their jealousy, because they don’t want to admit that they have jealousy to their man in the first place. They don’t even want to admit it to themselves.  They want their man to think they’re ‘sane’, in control, ‘stable’ and not a crazy bitch or ‘insecure’.

Well, to hell with that! Crazy bitch is an integral part of femininity. Femininity creates and destroys. This is not to say that you run around with a chain saw and chop people to pieces, NO!

I mean that the flow of emotion in the feminine is so powerful that it can eliminate what it creates as well as giving birth to divine creation. It is a woman’s birthright to express both extremes. And it is a woman’s right to expect that her man will stand strong like a rock when she feels this way. (I’m not talking about treating a man badly, and expecting him to just take it (if he’s got a strong masculine, he won’t anyway, he’ll just leave! – I mean the element of irrationality, spontaneity, and craziness that the feminine embodies).

A lot of men and women make this crazy emotional thing wrong. So women suppress it, and go inward. This is like never flushing the toilet. At some point, the smell is going to get so bad, you’ll have to flush the toilet.

By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!

Jealousy and true care

Jealousy isn’t something a feminine woman should be condemned for. Especially when it comes to your intimate relationship. Why? Because jealousy means you care. It means you care about and love your man. (read my article how most women reject their femininity)

But I am not saying that it’s natural for you to get insanely jealous when your man so much as talks to another woman, or smiles at another woman. No. I’m saying that when you feel jealous – USE it. It’s a powerful emotion that, when used properly, has the power to take your relationship (and life) to a higher level.

Eu-Jealousy. Good jealousy.

Let’s just have an open relationship, shall we?

The reason I say this is because increasingly, I come across couples who are settling for open relationships, settling for letting their partner “be free” (free in a bad way) to do what they want regardless, to try to eliminate and bottle up feelings of jealousy and ‘possessiveness’.

Or they settle for an open relationship to ‘get the best of both worlds’. “But what IS both worlds?!” And people are, unfortunately, becoming more and more in to the idea of “independence” in their intimate relationship. The kind of independence that leads to each partner being there only when its convenient. (read my article about do women need multiple men)

The kind of ‘independence’ and carefree attitude that leads men to have the attitude of (this is in my man’s words, so please forgive the bad language): “my dick is your dick”. A sure-fire way to destroy true masculinity (and big suppressor of said masculinity).

Ownership and feminine energy

The kind of independence I’m talking about is born out of the belief that you cannot ‘own’ someone. Bollocks. You CAN own someone. And not in the way you think. It takes an extraordinary person to own their partner. Please think about this. This idea of independence is another destroyer of feminine energy.

Deep down, every woman with a feminine sexual essence wants to be owned. Don’t believe me? Would you prefer that your husband/boyfriend didn’t mind if other men were hitting on you? Would you prefer that he let you do whatever you wish, where you wish, in whatever way you wish without caring enough to ask you about what you’re doing?

Would you prefer that your man was so ‘respectful’ of your boundaries and independence that when you were making love, he was afraid to express his deepest desire for you? Would you prefer that he valued ‘independence’ so much that he never called you (even if you were out past the time you said you would be) for fear of sabotaging or interrupting your ‘independent’ time?

Or would you prefer a man who is not afraid to express what he wants, not afraid to express that he wants you to himself so much that he does feel possessive of you, and somewhat territorial (but NOT controlling, abusive or tyrannical. There’s a difference).

Masculinity isn’t real or in full expression until a man shows his passion. And doesn’t make that passion and desire wrong. Could you truly respect him if he rejected his own true feelings for fear of upsetting you? Or sabotaging your ‘independence’?

More on independence…

I don’t believe in independence. A least not in the conventional sense. In fact, I think it kills depth, passion, intimacy, and defeats the very purpose of being together with somebody in the first place. There are times in which independence can be a good thing.

For example. A lot of couples stay together for safety, for fear of being alone, for fear of losing resources, for fear of losing love, for fear of having to grow, etc. In such a case, dependence is the problem. And at this extreme, dependence can also kill passion. So, as usual, we have to find a balance between the two extremes.

Independence is good when you consider independence to be that you are both confident, whole human beings who don’t rely on each other for self-validation, for sex, for certainty, for whatever – but rather, are together because you WANT to be and CHOOSE to be because you want to give your feminine and masculine gifts to one another. You want to love the other person, without qualifications, limitations, or excuses.

So where does jealousy come from?

Well, that’s a good question if I do say so myself. I believe it comes from a fear of losing love. A fear of abandonment, a fear of fear itself. A fear of not being enough. A fear that another woman has something we don’t. A fear that another woman is more beautiful than us. A fear that another woman can provide her man with something that we cannot. (read my article about how to deal with jealous women)

Often, these fears can leave a woman boiling with rage – probably to the point of extreme self-destruction (and hence destroying all femininity because she is unsure of how to deal with it, and also makes the emotion wrong). Most women think that because another woman is more beautiful, they cannot measure up, or compare.

Every feminine woman is right in worrying about this. This is our gift to the world and most importantly – to our man. It is our most precious gift – BEAUTY. Not just physical. If we feel that we cannot provide this, of course we’re going to be unhappy! No woman who is feminine at her core is going to be fulfilled if she is not giving her true gift.

The traditional way of dealing with jealousy

When I was growing up, everybody dealt with the issue of jealousy by saying “you can’t own someone, YA KNOWWW”. “Ya CAIN’T own a human being”. “Y’all can own a DOG but y’all can’t own a HUMAN’! “Mkaaaaay?!!”

No. Not ok.

That’s like saying you’ll never achieve the success you want in your life because of all the independent variables that you have no control over in your life. True – there are things you can’t control – but there are things you CAN control (such as your own personal power and whether you choose to use it or not).

And so to the above advice I mindlessly nodded my head and did my best to employ this strategy. Even though I am a woman, I could never help but feel that there was a part of me who wanted to own my man, and have him to myself. Not in the way a man would own a woman, but I wanted to be so close-knit (not dependent!) with my man that nothing could break us apart. That consistent feeling of being in love to the exclusion of others.

To this day, I still find it to be true in my own life that you can give a man full freedom whilst owning him. No woman should ever restrict a man. Restrict a man’s freedom and your relationship is as good as gone.

After time, and many lengthy conversations with girlfriends, I realized that that was it: I think a lot of us want that kind of relationship where you are both so intertwined (but not dependent), so in love, so passionate about one another, that you couldn’t fear another woman coming in to your man’s life.

Overcoming jealousy for GOOD

And, here’s the truth: you can have that. And your jealousy can take you there.

Here’s how to say buh-bye to jealousy. There’s only one way.

Own him. KNOW that no other woman could love this man as much as YOU can. Care so much, and fulfill him so much that there’s no way another woman could threaten your position. Don’t shy away from the jealousy. Use it.

Own his masculinity. Understand it and nurture Him in a way no other woman could.

Thank jealousy for being there, and giving you a signal that you need to give more heart and soul. EU-jealousy. It’s not about thinking you’re superior to all other women out there. It’s about loving so much that it hurts. And giving so much that there’s no way any other woman could “take something away from you” – ‘What you give you get to keep – what you fail to give – you lose forever’.

And it’s about not being afraid of your true capacity and power in a relationship. A lot of women are afraid of their power. Any woman or man has the power to own their partner. Again, I don’t mean restricting, controlling, fear-based actions. I mean adding value and thereby knowing your value. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Overcoming Jealousy requires an enormous amount of strength

This isn’t for the faint-hearted, however. The strength and commitment needed is probably more strength than you’ll ever need. But if you’re truly committed, you’ll do it. And if you’re not truly committed, then what are you doing in a relationship in the first place?

There’s no gray area here. You either commit. Or you leave. Don’t waste anybody’s time! Especially your own!

Another thing: don’t be afraid to openly admit your feelings. If you’re jealous, express it to him (not by trashing the house or throwing snide, critical and hateful comments at him) and tell him that you want to work on it, and that you want him to understand and support you.

And when you do the above things, when you begin to really own each other in a relationship, you’ll rarely feel any jealousy. You’ll be safe yet free, and confident in what you have, and you’ll know your value to him.

Learn more about men from our Understanding Men program, click here to get more information.

I hope you enjoyed this article. Let me know what you thought of it. Do you believe you can own someone?  What do you think of open relationships? Do you think jealousy is a bad emotion?

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P.S. Connect with me on social media

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Blake Emerson
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Blake Emerson

Hello, I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now and she just suddenly stopped showing me love and care after I lost my job, so I hired {ZEUSHACKERS01 atOUTLOOK dotCOM} to help me hack her facebook messages and cellphone and I caught her cheating on me.She denied it and I showed her proof including all her deleted messages. You can also reach them for credit repairs. Tell them I referred you

Erika Loftin
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Erika Loftin

Great article! I struggle so much with jeleousy and I know it’s my issue not my SO. I love the idea of taking control and using the emotion as motivation!

michelle
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michelle

my husband recently switched job positions – since then a ex co- worker (female) has been texting him. He said they barely spoke at work and she says they were really good friends and use to go to lunch about 3 times a month. He told me about all the other female co – workers he would go to lunch with but not this one. He finally says to me “I did not tell you about her cause i thought you would feel threatened” WOW – how should i even take that? This chick must be hotter if he feels… Read more »

Ana
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Ana

You helped me take jelousy in a different way by writing this article. I have such a hard time when my bf talks to women friends.

Laura Caine
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Laura Caine

I love the power for the positive that you give jealousy. Such a different twist that makes so much sense for an emotion I have struggled to define by old standards!

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Je suіѕ pressée de lire uun autre post

BDSM extrême
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point !!!

Angel-Eyes
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Angel-Eyes

Lol, this might explain why some men try to make their girlfriends jelouse. Maybe they are craving for feminine energy. I would have totally not permitted myself to show emotions of jelousy when I’ve been hurt in the past. I thought I had to go through life subconsciously believing I had to he perfect to be loved, but that’s not real life. Independence too, I will struggle to give that as I’ve conditioned myself through many years off experience that it’s not ok to depend on others and nobody is their to support me when I need them. This is… Read more »

Anonymous
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Anonymous

Kept scrolling down the page slowly reading everyone’s life stories..and of course Renee’s article. Good article by the way. You write really well. Quite funny in your examples! The way I see it ..WE ALL DIE IN THE END. We are only here on earth for a short period of time and then we die. Your bf, husband, lover, ex , cheater, scumbag loser you dated and cant remember his name..we ..they..will all die . We are here to pass a test. To learn from our mistakes. I always think it’s okay to make as many mistakes as you want… Read more »

Pedro
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Pedro

Must say, half what you said is right, half is terribly wrong. Woman, if you ignore a men that much, specially your boyfriend, he will probably move on. Yeah, you can be lucky and get a man who’ll be like a puppy and follow you, but chances are he’ll get tired of trying and say,sorry for the harsh words, “fuck that, there’s more people out there”. Not trying to be a jerk, I’m serious. You kinda used the wrong equation but got to the same result. That’s wonderfull, but don’t expect it to work with everyone else

Sofia
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Sofia

Oh, Renee. I had a friend (again with the male friend thing) who said he likes me, but when he was on FB he used to liked every photo of every woman he saw. Then, I felt terribly and thought he just wanted to play with me or have fun with (yes, I have a very fertile mind lol) and I cut him out and block him off of FB. But I just read a comment of you saying that men are objective and if they like a photo or whatever it doesnt mean anything. I couldnt just tell him… Read more »

swanprincesse
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swanprincesse

Also, if you don’t want another woman to come between you and your man, be truly giving in all aspects of your relationship. Some women assume givers are doormats. Not true. If you unselfishly give to him both outside and inside the bedroom, and you are that glowing light of feminine energy when he is around, then you aren’t going to have to worry about other women. You will be filling him up in all aspects.

thinkpink414
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thinkpink414

Once again the statement “give him/her what they want/need and they have no reason to look elsewhere” This is such a misconception getting thrown around from woman to woman and man to man. Some people are never going to be happy. Some desires will never be fully met. This is just the way it is. And i dont have to be a cheater or cheatee to know this because it takes nothing more than an understanding of common mental health issues. A narcissist will cheat on you regardless of having sex 3x a day or 4x a month. Why?.. not… Read more »

Lexxx
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Lexxx

THIS IS AMAZING. My boyfriend and I have been considering an open relationship while I’m abroad and he’s at school for 5 months. It was possibly the worst, roughest days of my life. We made it through loving each other even more at the end. It’s hard to explain. Anyway, I’m very torn about going into an open relationship…I personally would really enjoy it for MYSELF, but thinking of him WANTING other women makes me sad. It makes me sad because it makes me believe I am not good enough, that another girl will replace me in his heart and… Read more »

swanprincesse
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swanprincesse

Hello Lexxx, I have never seen an example of where an open relationship works– especially not for the woman. First of all you really need to consider any potential STDs that could be brought to you. Things like genital warts can cause cervical cancer, but the virus responsible for the cancer can manifest in a wart years later. Not worth it. Also, please know that you are worth more than an open relationship. He won’t see you as a high value woman if you agree to this arrangement. Its best to break up while you are apart and see other… Read more »

Cindy
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Cindy

I just want to give you a little insight to what I experienced. I went to travel for what was going to be 4 months. It ended up only being a month but I decided to do an open relationship and it hurt me WAY more than I ever realized. I find it interesting that women who have not been cheated on can not really understand the paint that comes from a man sleeping with another woman. Just be aware that this may hurt you more than it would help you. 5 months is not that long… many people do… Read more »

Ariana
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Ariana

This is a wonderful article. I’m in a long distance relationship with my best friend of 6 years. we only recently started dating when a few months back his ex girl cheated on him, and I told him how I felt (That was a scary situation) I didn’t know he was already dating someone else, but he broke it off with her because he wanted to be with me, he just didn’t know I felt the same way. xD But he’s still good friends with both his exes and is one of those guys who has tons of female friends… Read more »

Caroline
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Caroline

Thanks, exactly what I need 🙂

Rachel
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Rachel

This is a good message because I’ve been trying to deal with jealousy for so long now because there are lots of girls always around him or either way texting him 24/7 and it kills me but sometimes I do tell him how I feel and he tells me not to worry because he has only me in mind and he loves me. Also some girls could go visit his sister and when they get to meet him they ask him to take a picture of them on his phone and send it to them whiles they have their phone… Read more »

JBB
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JBB

really very good advice to deal with possessiveness and to divert feminine energy in the right direction. Thanks a lot.

LeJana
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LeJana

this article is amazing. It really helped because I am an extremely jealous person when it comes to relationships

Meh
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Meh

Dear Renee! I just love your article, its something every girl look upto. To control her extra feelings of jealousy, i’m facing this issue too. There’s that guy whom i met bychance on net. Lateron i get to know him better and came to know that he was sort of in-relation with a girl. Who is now his ex as she left him and married somebody else. When i asked did he didnt stopped her to leave him or said her to stay? he said, he did even wanted to get change for her. But she said she deserves better.… Read more »

Helena Fone
Guest

As a Psychotherapist and EFT Practtioner I can’t help but say that the only way to control jealous emotions is to believe and feel good enough about yourself. Caring for someone you love is natural and healthy but caring for someone at the expense of your own needs and wants is unhealthy. If anyone out there is suffering from jealousy….ask where did it first begin? Were you cheated on before? Did either of your parents cheat on each other? What were your earliest memories of feeling abandoned or ignored? If you can’t find the origin then seek the help of… Read more »

Helena Fone
Guest

As a Psychotherapist and EFT Practtioner I can’t help but say that the only way to control jealous emotions is to believe and feel good enough about yourself. If you love and value who you are then you are not so threatened. Jealousy is OK but not when it causes hurt, pain and cannot be controlled. Caring for someone you love is natural and healthy but caring for someone at the expense of your own needs and wants is unhealthy. If anyone out there is suffering from jealousy….ask yourself when did you first notice it happening? Were you cheated on… Read more »

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