Article updated 2018
Have you ever heard the popular quote by Buddha:
“The Root of Suffering is Attachment”?
It is highly possible that most of the self help books out there that have become popular, are written by masculine men, or women with a masculine essence. I feel like this quote by the Buddha is very true.
BUT the opposite is also true.
The root of ecstasy is ALSO Attachment.
You could try telling my almost 9 month old son who still loves his breast milk that the root of all suffering is Attachment when he latches on for a feed. It wouldn’t work, though.
I believe this advise comes from a masculine soul, and whilst a woman would also notice that this advice may be true, the problem is that it doesn’t make us grow and become more free in the core of our feminine energy.
The masculine essence has to push aside love to feel empty.
Every woman on this site has experienced a man pulling away. In fact, any woman at all, has experienced a man pulling away. This is mainly because pulling away allows the man to feel empty or to achieve or to pursue his life’s purpose. And he forgets that you’re still attached. And this hurts us.
But – to feel empty would allow the masculine soul to achieve.
And to achieve is a wonderful thing for masculine human beings. Without it, they get less respect, which they crave.
So, in a way, this advice serves the masculine soul, and in SOME cases, it serves women – perhaps women who really do need to detach and to come out of a relationship where they feel hurt or have gotten hurt. Detachment is valuable in this way too, for women.
But if you spent too much time on this masculine extreme and don’t allow yourself to attach to the right people, and to good things, it starts to destroy our feminine soul.
CONNECTION is the lifeblood of the feminine.
Feminine energy needs connection to exist. Connection makes us feel alive in our femininity.
And YET – with connection, comes attachment of some sort for us. Tell me if this isn’t true for you?
Masculine energy does not grow through connection. Masculine men, if they are true to their soul, need to detach in order to pursue their life’s purpose. For example….men who meditate for hours, days, months, maybe YEARS on end…with no contact with their girlfriend or wife. It hurts the wife, but it certainly may not hurt the man. That detachment is necessary for the man to grow in his masculine essence.
For any man to be attractive – to be the kind of man that makes women swoon, he has to show up with incredible presence, and this presence is only trained in to a man who has had enough emptiness, enough challenges and enough detachment to pursue his achievements. So I really respect that detachment serves masculine men a great deal. It’s healthy for them.
As such, Buddha’s advice may speak to a person who is masculine at their core, and serve that person.
However, if you are a woman and if you do take a lot of self help advice, try to be careful what you listen to.
It’s ok to choose carefully what advice would serve you most of the time, and what advice would serve you in only a select few cases. For example, this quote by Buddha might help you heal from an abusive relationship.
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Attachment to negative Emotional Patterns create suffering.
Whilst attachment may make you suffer – what I believe creates suffering is actually attachment to our Negative emotional patterns of survival. These negative emotional patterns of survival are what is ingrained in to our nervous system through interactions with our parents by the time we are very small – some experts say around 2 years old.
For example, if you were abused as a child, then what feels safe (allows you to survive in your environment) to you might be a man who has a potential for abusing you. It might hurt you, but at least it’s safe. So your nervous system believes.
If what was ingrained in to you was a pattern of distance – then you’d feel safest when keeping a certain distance from people.
And I believe that our negative patterns for SURVIVAL aren’t always designed for connection with humans, and this connection is truly what you crave, if you are a woman with a feminine essence.
Some people have developed a pattern of survival that means they are safest when connecting with people, and if that is you, then that is a much better pattern than the pattern of safety through abuse.
So, as women, we may get attached to a man in a relationship that is bad, but it’s not our attachment to the man that creates suffering, it’s our attachment to our own negative patterns of seeking approval in order to survive, or attachment to the pattern of abuse that actually causes our suffering. Or some other negative pattern.
The Root of Ecstasy is also Attachment!
There is every bit of ecstasy in Attachment. I feel ecstasy when I am one with my husband, and I feel ecstasy when loving and connecting and sharing with my son. I feel ecstasy when sharing vulnerability with a close girlfriend. But that ecstasy cannot come without attachment.
No attachment is permanent. This is true. But if it was permanent, we wouldn’t know the ecstasy of it. We’d take it for granted.
Nothing we experience is permanent. But I feel that I would rather have the ecstasy of attachment than to detach, as long as the people and things I am attaching to are at least somewhat willing to be as vulnerable as me.
To think that this quote by Buddha – the root of suffering is Attachment assumes that detaching would end that suffering.
Perhaps Buddha means that you need to acknowledge that things are transient.
In my bias, I feel like detachment MIGHT end our suffering, but only if we ALSO end our own negative emotional patterns of what feels safe.
And this advice would hold no truth to the person who is in love anyway. They are too attached and this is a wonderful thing. Who wants to die, not having experienced being madly in love? That kind of ecstasy brings attachment with it.
The Danger of following a Masculine Path…
It would hurt us even more if we were to simply try to detach and take a very masculine path in our lives ON TOP OF not noticing and breaking our negative patterns that we developed to ensure safety from a very young age.
For me personally, to detach – This would ruin who I am at my core.
To detach, in many instances (not all), would mean I’d have to deny love and the beauty of connection in many moments.
It would be me actively denying who I really am.
And that would perpetuate me wearing masks to cover who I truly am, or to protect myself when to let go of the armour would give me connection with others.
And I would be wearing that mask of fake masculinity to deal with my fear of abandonment or pain that comes with attachment. That would essentially hurt anyone with a feminine core. You’d be living a life that you THINK is ‘great’, but inside, you’d feel that something is missing.
It’s kind of like this…let’s say that as a little girl, you may have wanted a rainbow coloured tu-tu and ballet shoes and a sparkly halo for Christmas – just for the pure joy of experiencing being feminine light itself, because that is the core of you – only then to have a parent decide that that isn’t for you – and instead your mother or father buys you a science book because they felt you were better served by ‘going somewhere’ and being a scientist one day.
While that’s nice, and you might have an interest in being a scientist – the truth is that if you have a feminine essence, then you would feel more ecstasy, more excitement and be more connected to other peers of yours if you were given the tu-tu and the sparkly halo.
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This isn’t about us not being able to detach and pursue masculine endeavours.
We can do these things just as god as any man can.
But hurts us. We might enjoy the empty chase of achievement and significance. But it always has that feeling of ‘something is missing’, if we are denying your true feminine core just to pursue masculine things because we think it’s safer to live our life that way.
If I may, I would love to try making a suggestion to you?
Try asking yourself: do you feel more ecstatic and alive at the thought of your favourite song coming on and dancing your heart away spontaneously to it?
Or do you feel more ecstatic and alive when someone comes over to you and says “hey, I bet you can’t eat that whole jar of wasabi!”.
If you feel like the first thing – dancing your heart away to your favourite song would make you feel more alive, and excited, then you probably have a more feminine essence.
And if you have a more feminine essence, then I would suggest to take advice about ‘detaching’ in the right situations. Don’t turn your back on connection and attachment – this is where your heart truly shines and this is where you can be radiant, alive and free.
It seems that in our world, masculine people naturally always unintentionally try to get more feminine people to be more like them – that is, more masculine. And more feminine people try to get a person who is masculine as their core to be more feminine. This is why we need to be more connected to which self help books and advice are serving our core and which are fostering our masculine energy.
This trying to get the opposite sex to be more like us seems to be quite true when you see families where a son or daughter is very out-numbered by siblings of the opposite sex. For example, a lone son raised by a single mother and 3 sisters! A man like this is often more connected to his feminine, which is great, but it’s no good when this boy who is masculine at heart is made wrong from a young age for seeking out challenges or danger, which naturally foster the growth of his masculine energy.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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