The goal of this article isn’t to make a man light up like Christmas lights and try to make him be all chirpy and cheerful.
The goal really is to bring your light into his life, to give your presence (if needed) and to generously appreciate what he’s going through. That’s how to comfort a man!
The very purpose of this article is to help you find a way to ease a man’s tension, be a high value woman by actually adding value to his life or to your relationship, and give your feminine gifts.
Please be mindful that this article is written for women who are already in a committed relationship!
As a woman, I have found that the task of cheering my man up and comforting him has proven to be very difficult at times.
Mostly because I am a woman, not a man; and it has taken a shift in psychology to understand that my perceptions are not my man’s perceptions.
Not only that, but when I think he seems encumbered or stressed and upset; he may not actually be looking for relief from this state he is in.
Instead, he may not want to change the state he is in, unlike how a woman might by talking about it, being listened to, etc.
How To Comfort A Man: Differences Between Men & Women
Like most women, if my girlfriends are upset, I naturally ask something along the lines of:
“Are you OK, honey?”
“What’s going on?”
“Can I help?”
“Are you upset?”
“Do you want to talk?”
“I’m here for you.”
And if you probe enough and show enough care, and she trusts you, mostly, women will open up to you and talk (got to love women) 🙂
What wonderful creatures we are!
But, when dealing with men, asking these questions is not always the best approach. Your task really is to give the gift of your presence and perhaps also your feminine energy.
It is counterintuitive, but if your man is masculine and he is having financial troubles for example, it is not often that the right solution is for you to offer your financial help.
Or to offer to go out and get an extra job, or to offer your knowledge in financial investment (raising my hand to show that I’ve made this mistake before).
Now, it’s not that you can never offer up your knowledge.
It’s also not that you can never offer to get a job to help out.
It’s more that there may be less value for him if you give these ‘solutions’ as a first response! Especially if he is a high value masculine man, he may want less of your solutions and more of other types of feminine gifts.
And it’s very, very hard not to want to offer up these solutions, because it’s how we have been conditioned as women in most cultures today!
And even if I tell you, instead, give your presence or your feminine energy – you may ask…“How?! I’ve never been taught!”
That’s why this blog exists. But, giving your feminine energy is a hard thing to do as well.
It can be a complex thing that takes a lot of understanding, but once you’ve got the idea and start practicing, it’ll become easier.
The conventional solution…
Feminine women care about everything. So, you’re probably like me in that you’ll be sad and wanting to do everything that you can to help if your man seems down.
Well, this everything that I’m talking about is simply giving your presence or your feminine energy.
You could guess what my initial reactions were when I first encountered my man’s stressed-out looks, during the earlier period of our relationship.
I would often take his mood as a sign of lack of affection or love for ME. I would think that it was about me.
I’d think that he was angry at me, hated me, was judging me, or found me a nuisance. I would think,
“OMG, he thinks I’m ugly right now”
Or “He doesn’t care about me anymore”
“He’s so cold”
Or “He’s so arrogant!”
As I have come to realise; it was never any of these things. He has never judged me, and he was never cold. Just serious and focused. I know that in my heart of hearts.
He was just in the middle of working or figuring things out.
And that intensity that comes with that – the stress that can come with that, can feel a bit scary and like he’s not loving you.
But it’s just intensity, that’s all.
As a woman, you will know what I mean when I say that we tend to close up and get uptight and scared when our man seems to go away or get caught up for days on some problem that he needs to fix.
And when he won’t open up to us, we fret. The majority of men are never judging us, women, as much as we think they are (if at all).
On giving or offering your ‘solutions’…..
Perhaps your man has a demanding career that requires he work outside of traditional working hours.
Perhaps he just often seems to be dealing with this or that dilemma. Perhaps he is lacking sleep or rest. (read my article about why he pulls away)
And in relationships, this is probably one of the hardest things a woman will have to deal with.
Of course, most of us have been taught to just approach the problem with a solution. To give advice.
No giving advice unless you have been asked to.
And no, this isn’t because I think you should be a docile, useless, frail woman.
It’s because your job (as well as your man’s) in the relationship first and foremost – is to give your presence, to feel what they are feeling, and to understand.
And no masculine man wants his woman to approach him with a bunch of instructions.
As soon as you approach him and start to offer “answers”, this will make him feel like he is not understood by you.
As I mentioned, your solutions and offers or advice can come after you’ve made him feel understood.
Rest assured, there will be a time for this. And, when it arises – when he asks for your input, always come from a loving place.
So How do you Comfort a Masculine Man?
Every man is different. I recommend that you take the time to truly understand him and his needs first.
And if one thing doesn’t work; take another approach. Do this until you find the exact thing to do to fill up your man’s heart.
The TWO Typical Scenarios You Need To Be Aware Of
There are two typical scenarios that you will need to be aware of when your man is (or seems) stressed. You will have to use your own judgment here.
1) The first one is that your presence is NOT really needed.
2) The second one is that your presence IS needed.
So, firstly, work out whether your presence is required.
Ask yourself honestly…
“Am I approaching him because I want something from him?”
(ie: some sort of subtle indication/reassurance that he still loves me and notices that I’m here)
“Am I approaching him to give something from my heart?”
Not that there is anything wrong with wanting attention from your man. You’re going to want and need his attention.
But if you want to know how to comfort your man (and that’s your true intent), then the best step to take first is to see where he’s at, rather than jumping in to take his attention.
Suppose you’ve worked out honestly that your presence IS needed and would benefit the situation. Here are your options (I’m sure you can think of more):
How to Comfort a Man When your presence is required.
Here are some suggestions for this scenario.
(These are suggestions. If you don’t like what I suggest, please think of your own ideas, too.)
1) Look deeply into his eyes and hold his gaze.
Draw him further into your world.
Give him something to smile about (there’s a LOT to smile about in the world of the feminine).
Smile. Indicate through your look/gaze/body language that you love him. This is all about enchantment and luring him into your magical gifts.
When you do this, the aim is to draw him in and make it all about you BOTH.
Re-connecting to each other’s souls and your very beings. Nothing else in the world exists other than the both of you as a couple.
2) Do a sensual dance.
Dances such as:
A lap dance.
A pole dance.
A crazy dance.
Any feminine dancing.
Do whatever it takes. Hell, just put some music on (music that you both like) and move your body.
You can also dance naked for added effects (Did someone say: vulnerability?!)
The point of this is to put a great, big smile on his face and enchant him. But it won’t work unless it’s done at the right moment and you’re confident with it.
You see, you always have to try to feel if a particular thing will actually add value to him in a particular moment.
For example, if he’s in the middle of a conference call, would it be appropriate to dance naked for him? Probably not.
But it might be appropriate at other times. You are the best judge of what’s appropriate in this moment.
And, it’s ok to make mistakes along the way.
What matters most is that you have the right intent: the intent to give or add value. It’s the intent that will make all the difference.
3) Just sit quietly with him & wait until he is ready
Ready for what?
Ready to talk, share or discuss!
Just be there. And continue waiting. And continue waiting. Even if it takes hours. Patience, sister!
Once he sees that you are willing to wait for him to talk, you’ll have much more success at disarming him.
You may very well be your man’s greatest source of love. Just remember to live it.
4) Offer him a full body massage.
And relieve him of his tension. And be sincere about it.
5) Feel what he is feeling & just show that you understand.
When you feel what he is feeling, a funny thing happens…you create what is called attunement.
Attunement is when you both become one. You are in harmony, because if you can feel and appreciate what he is going through, you’ll naturally be able to adjust and act in an appropriate, non-value taking way.
Attuning yourself to a man means that you’re not here to take more love, reassurance or approval (just in this moment).
Instead, you are here to be a part of HIS world, and be there for him.
6) Give him a blow job.
There. I said it.
If he doesn’t like them (rare), that’s fine. Don’t give him one.
If you don’t like giving them, you may have some emotional blockages, or past trauma related to this act.
It’s a good idea to think about it from your man’s perspective and read why men love blow jobs.
(You may be thinking….you’re kidding, right Renee?)
No. I’m not. If your aim is to give to your man, this option should not surprise you in the least).
And no, I really don’t recommend you do this all the time, every time.
It’s a quick option and it is not a lasting solution that you can practice every time. But I trust you. I trust you to choose what is right in the moment for both of you. I do also urge you to practice good personal judgment.
You see, when a man has had his release, and you’ve helped him.
It makes it easier for him to solve his OWN problems, because he is then empty and free. Yes, men often feel the need to “empty”, if you know what I mean.
Disclaimer: I don’t believe in casual sex.
I don’t believe in doing this with a man you’ve only recently been dating.
But, I do believe in giving to a man when you’re committed to each other – I believe in giving to the one that you love.
6) Consider asking him this question…
You know your man better than I do, so, if he doesn’t mind talking to you about things normally, you could ask him questions such as: “What are you thinking about?”
Keep in mind that if you ask him how he is feeling, you might very well get something like:
Talking about feelings never helps a man solve any problems, it will often (not always, but often) just detract him from what needs to be done.
A final note on scenarios in which your presence is required…
Dealing with a man’s stresses can sometimes feel like giving too much.
Kind of like you’re a rat on a conveyor belt.
But that may be only because you’re dealing with the situation with conventional strategies.
What kind of conventional strategies? Strategies such as: going straight to insecurity, PROBING him, trying to force something out of him.
Things like getting angry – out of your own frustrations. Giving ultimatums, accusing him of not loving you or trusting you anymore.
Remember the goal is to just love and to just be there.
If you’d like more tips, I suggest you read my article on what makes a healthy relationship.
Men hate ultimatums...
Yet, women are still doing it. Everywhere, every day.
If you give ultimatums, plan for him to not enjoy that experience at the least. And in the worse case scenario, expect him to leave in some way, or pull away.
When you give ultimatums, you may just find that you end up living with an emasculated man for the rest of your life. AND be miserable.
When considering what you can do to comfort your guy, you need to be peacefully able to offer yourself.
when our intention is to help, then it’s your position to understand him.
It needn’t be a chaotic experience.
It’s been ridiculously hard for me at times in my past, as any man (uncle, friend, father, my man) can *seem* very reserved.
And it can take a lot of patience to figure out how to comfort them. But it becomes a lot harder for you if you approach the situation in the past in the above conventional “average” ways.
But, the result is worth it. You may very well be your man’s greatest source of love!
How to Comfort A Man When Your Presence is NOT Required
When I say your presence is not required, I mean during the times when your man may seem to be enduring something or may be overwhelmed with something or engrossed in this or that task.
In other words, when he is clearly engrossed in a mission.
Sometimes, he’ll just want to be left alone.
He may not want or need your thoughts. He may not want or even need you to ask questions or be concerned. It may just get in the way and give him one more distraction.
He may not want to talk. He may not want to discuss. He may not want to divulge his ‘feelings’.
But he will want your respect. He will want your love and loyalty.
These are things that you need to give as a woman (provided he’s earned your respect already).
Here’s how you show your love & respect…
I have some suggestions…
1) Show your love & respect by leaving him alone.
Or letting him go away to accomplish what he deems necessary. Even if it is for days or weeks.
2) bring him a snack
Like a sandwich with his favourite filling, or a steak or kebabs or veggie sticks or a yummy soup.
You don’t need to ask him what he would like. Just bring him something. Like, obviously not when he is full already. If he’s already full, maybe a drink or a cup of hot tea would be a better gesture. Use your judgment.
It’s important not to do this just for the sake of trying to pester him. He may just think it is an annoyance.
3) You can make him a drink.
A cool lemon iced tea. Or a hot tea, depending on the weather. Whatever he likes.
Help him to refuel and recharge. Men really appreciate this because you’re giving him your feminine love and support. You are taking care of him.
This way, you’re still showing him that he is appreciated – that he is loved.
You’re still able to deliver your feminine care without being pushy and obtrusive about things.
But do it, unqualified. Just bring it, and leave him to his work or thoughts.
4) Show your support & appreciation for what he is doing.
Give him a kiss and a brief touch on the shoulder/chest – whatever you like, and say:
“Thank You. I appreciate all that you do to take care of us/me.”
Acknowledge his hard work – his desire to achieve a result. Women need to understand that for the masculine, it’s all about where you’re both going together. Where you’re going to end up. It’s about direction.
This is something women must make a point to appreciate in men. Every woman must appreciate men (or her man) at a different level. They are unlike us, and that is how it is meant to be.
Men and women are here to complement each other.
If you like the idea of knowing exactly what’s going through a man’s mind, this is exactly why we have a whole course called “Understanding Men”. It’s our most popular online course. You can check out that course right here.
On that note, here are 5 Unconventional Ways to Make Him Love You MORE.
Ultimately, no matter what you do, it’s about what you do but even more importantly, WHY you do it.
Don’t do anything just for the sake of doing something.
Giving a man sex is one thing which women do thinking it will get them somewhere. It can, but it depends on the nature of your relationship and on the individual situation.
By the way, I’m so excited to let you know that we have released our free commitment masterclass! It is a class that will show you exactly how to get a man to emotionally commit to you. Click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass.
Now, over to you. What do you think of this article? Have you got any quick tips for comforting a man? Anything that would help other damsels?
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.