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Article updated 2018

The goal of this article isn’t to make a man light up like Christmas lights and be all chirpy and cheerful. The goal really is to bring light into his life, to be the yin to his yang, and to enchant.

The very purpose of this post is to help you find a way to ease a man’s tension and give your feminine gifts. But this post is written for women in a relationship.

As a woman, I have found that the task of cheering my man up and comforting him has proven to be very difficult at times. Mostly because I am a woman, not a man; and it has taken a shift in psychology to understand that my perceptions are not my man’s perceptions, and moreover, that when I think he seems encumbered or stressed and upset; he may not actually be looking for relief from this state he is in. He may not want to change the state he is in, unlike how a woman might by talking about it, being listened to, etc.

Like most women, if my girlfriends are upset, I naturally ask something along the lines of:

“Are you OK, honey?”

“What’s going on?”

“What’s happening?”

“Can I help?”

“Are you upset?”

“Do you want to talk?”

“I’m here for you.”

And if you probe enough and show enough care, and she trusts you, mostly, women will open up to you and talk (got to love women) 🙂

What wonderful creatures we are!

But, when dealing with men, asking these questions is not always the best approach. Your task really is to give your feminine energy.

Counter-intuitive though it is – if your man is masculine and he is having financial troubles for example, it is rarely the right solution to offer your financial help, or to offer to go out and get a job or to offer your knowledge in financial investment (raising my hand to show that I’ve made this mistake before). Stupid. Stupid. 🙂

And it’s very, very hard not to want to offer this solution because it’s how we have been conditioned as women in most cultures today! And even if I tell you, instead, give your feminine energy – you may ask, “How?! I’ve never been taught!”

Exactly.

That’s why this blog exists. But, giving your feminine energy is a hard thing to do as well.

It can be a complex thing that takes a lot of understanding, and it’s beyond the scope of this article, but I will still make simple suggestions. (read my article about how to be feminine)

The conventional solution…

Feminine women care about everything. So, you’re probably like me in that you’ll be sad and wanting to do everything that you can to help if your man seems down. Well, this everything that I’m talking about is simply giving your feminine energy.

You could guess what my initial reactions were when I first encountered my man’s stressed-out looks, during the earlier period of our relationship. I would often take his mood as a sign of lack of affection or love for ME. I would think that it was about me. I’d think that he was angry at me, hated me, was judging me, or found me a nuisance. I would think,

“OMG, he thinks I’m ugly right now”

Or “He doesn’t care about me anymore”

“He’s so cold”

Or “He’s so arrogant!”

As I have come to realize; it was never any of these things. He has never judged me. Never. I know that in my heart of hearts.

But as a woman, you will know what I mean when I say that we tend to close up and get uptight and scared when our man seems to go away or get caught up for days on some problem that he needs to fix. And when he won’t open up to us, we fret. The majority of men are never judging us, women, as much as we think they are (if at all).

On giving or offering your  ‘solutions’…..

Perhaps your man has a demanding career that requires he work outside of traditional working hours. Perhaps he just often seems to be dealing with this or that dilemma. Perhaps he is lacking sleep or rest. (read my article about why he pulls away)

And in relationships, this is probably one of the hardest things a woman will have to deal with. Of course, most of us have been taught to just approach the problem with a solution. To give advice.

No.

No giving advice unless you have been asked to. And no, this isn’t because I think you should be a docile, useless, frail woman. It’s because your job (as well as your man’s) in the relationship is to give and to understand. And no masculine man wants his woman to approach him with a bunch of instructions.

Hell. No.

As soon as you approach him and start to offer “answers”, this will make him feel like he is not understood by you.

Rest assured, there will be a time for this. And, when it arises – when he asks for your input, tread carefully, and always come from a loving place.

So How do you Comfort a Masculine Man?

Every man is different. I recommend that you take the time to truly understand him and his needs first. And if one thing doesn’t work; take another approach. Do this until you find the exact thing to do to fill up your man’s heart.

There are two typical scenarios that you will need to be aware of when your man is (or seems) stressed. You will have to use your own judgment here.

The first one is that your presence is NOT really needed.

The second one is that your presence IS needed.

So, firstly, work out whether your presence is required. Ask yourself honestly, “Am I approaching him because I want something from him? (ie: some sort of subtle indication/reassurance that he still loves me and notices that I’m here) or am I approaching him to give something from my heart?”

Not that there is anything wrong with wanting attention from your man. It all depends on the situation.

Suppose you’ve worked out honestly that your presence IS needed and would benefit the situation. Here are your options (I’m sure you can think of more):

How to Comfort Your Man When your presence is required- Suggestions:

(These are suggestions. If you don’t like what I suggest, please think of your own ideas, too.)

1) Look deeply into his eyes and hold his gaze. Draw him further into your world. Give him something to smile about (there’s a LOT to smile about in the world of the feminine). Smile. Indicate through your look/gaze/body language that you love him. This is all about enchantment and luring him into your magical gifts.

When you do this, the aim is to draw him in and make it all about you BOTH. Re-connecting to each other’s souls and your very beings. Nothing else in the world exists other than the both of you as a couple.

2) Do a sensual dance. Dances such as:

A lap dance.

A pole dance.

A crazy dance.

Any feminine dancing.

Do whatever it takes. Hell, just put some music on (music that you both like) and move your body. You can also dance naked for added effects – (Did someone say: VULNERABILITY?!)  🙂 The point of this is to put a great, big smile on his face and enchant him. But it won’t work unless you’re confident with it. (read my article about 27 hobbies for women)

Most importantly, have FUN. Love your body. It’s a gift.

3) Just sit quietly with him, and wait until he is ready to talk/share/converse/discuss. And continue waiting. And continue waiting. Even if it takes hours. Patience, sister! 🙂 Once he sees that you are willing to wait for him to talk, you’ll have much more success at disarming him.

You may very well be your man’s greatest source of love. Just remember to live it.

4) Offer him a full body massage. And relieve him of his tension. And be sincere about it.

5) Give him a blow job. There. I said it. If you don’t like giving them, it’s a good idea to think about it from your man’s perspective  and read why men love blow jobs.

(Yeah? You’re kidding, right Renee? No. I’m not. If your aim is to give to your man, this option should not surprise you in the least). And no, I really don’t recommend you do this all the time, every time. It’s a quick option and it is not a lasting solution that you can practice every time. But I trust you. I trust you to choose what is right in the moment for both of you. I do also urge you to practice good personal judgment.

I don’t believe in casual sex. But, I do believe in giving to the one that you love.

6) You know your man better than I do, so, if he doesn’t mind talking to you about things normally, you could ask him questions such as: “What are you thinking about?”

Keep in mind that if you ask him how he is feeling, you might very well get something like:

“Nothin'”; or

“I dunno”.

A final note on scenarios in which your presence is required…

Dealing with a man’s stresses can sometimes feel like you’re a rat on a conveyor belt. But that’s only because you’re dealing with the situation with conventional strategies (such as: going straight to insecurity, PROBING him, trying to force something out of him, getting angry – out of your own frustrations, giving ultimatums, accusing him of not loving you or trusting you anymore). Remember the goal is to just love and to enchant.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Men hate ultimatums. Yet, women are still doing it. Everywhere, every day. If you give ultimatums, plan for him to leave or live with an emasculated man for the rest of your life. AND be miserable.

You need to be peaceful. It’s your position to understand him. It needn’t be a chaotic experience. It’s all about feminine enchantment and loving him. It’s been ridiculously hard for me at times in my past, as any man (uncle, friend, father, my man) can be very reserved. And it can take a lot of patience.  But it becomes a lot harder for you if you approach the situation in the past in the above conventional “average” ways.

But, the result is worth it. You may very well be your man’s greatest source of love. Just remember to live it.

So now on to the second scenario, where your presence is not required:

When I say your presence is not required – I mean during the times when your man may seem to be enduring something or may be overwhelmed with something or engrossed in this or that task. When he is clearly engrossed in a mission.

Sometimes, he’ll just want to be left alone. He may not want or need your thoughts. He may not want or even need you to ask questions or be concerned. He may not want to talk. He may not want to discuss. He may not want to divulge his ‘feelings’. But he will want your respect. He will want your love. These are things that you need to give as a woman (provided he’s earned your respect already).

So, how do you show your love and respect? I have some suggestions

1) Show your love and respect by leaving him alone, or letting him go away to accomplish what he deems necessary. Even if it is for days or weeks.

2) If he is within your vicinity, bring him a snack at an appropriate time. Like a sandwich with his favourite filling, or a steak or kebabs or veggie sticks or a yummy soup. You don’t need to ask him what he would like. Just bring him something – like, obviously not when he is full already. Use your judgment.

It’s important not to do this just for the sake of it. You can do the right thing at the wrong time and it will have the opposite effect. He may just think it is an annoyance.

3) You can make him a drink. A cool lemon iced tea. Or a hot tea, depending on the weather. Whatever he likes. Help him to refuel and recharge. Men really appreciate this because you’re giving him your feminine love and support. You are taking care of him. What’s that big Facebook fan page about “women bringing men sandwiches”?

This way, you’re still showing him that he is appreciated – that he is loved. You’re still able to deliver your feminine care without being pushy and obtrusive about things. But do it, unqualified. Just bring it, and leave him to his work or thoughts.

4) Show your support and appreciation for what he is doing. Give him a kiss and a brief touch on the shoulder/chest – whatever you like, and say “Thank You. I appreciate all that you do to take care of us/me.” Acknowledge his hard work – his desire to achieve a result. Women need to understand that for the masculine – it’s all about where you’re both going together. Where you’re going to end up. It’s about direction.

This is something women must make a point to appreciate in men. Every woman must appreciate men (or her man) at a different level. They are unlike us, and that is how it is meant to be.

Men and women are here to complement each other.

What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…

Ultimately, no matter what you do – it’s about what you do but even more importantly, WHY you do it. Don’t do anything just for the sake of doing something. Giving a man sex is one thing which women do thinking it will get them somewhere. It can, but it depends on the nature of your relationship and on the individual situation.

I’m so excited to let you know that we have already launched the Commitment Control 2.0. Click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass.

Now, over to you. What do you think of this article? Have you got any quick tips for comforting a man? Anything that would help other damsels?

renee-wade

P.S. Connect with me on social media

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Ric
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Ric

How about this, just be you, stop trying to out think him and force a solution, DON’T LIE!!! Just be you he is counting on that very thing. when he turns around and grabs you for the help he might need you’ve already mentally vacated that space and thought he was screwing around or something. Damn Ladies you have as much of a chance figuring us out as we do you. We are hard wired to try it our way and we don’t expect you to get hurt feelings but what we don’t need is some one changing the story… Read more »

Carol
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Carol

Thanks for sharing these useful info. 🙂

dnah
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dnah

Hi Renee. I love this article. It reminds me that even with the best intentions, couples can still end up hurt, frustrated, angry, disappointed and confused with one another if they fail to understand their partners. I agree with everything you stated in the article because that’s how it is for me and my boyfriend. Before I understood anything about men, I always thought that my boyfriend was insensitive, mean, emotionally abusive, doesn’t care about me at all, selfish, and so much more. This was during the first two years in our relationship. Now that we’re coming into our 6th… Read more »

anon
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anon

dont accept being in an abusive relationship, sounds to me ur trying to find reasons to accept what none normally would, dont be that victim. been there done that.

Lauren
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Lauren

Renee, Thank you for the unique and helpful article. I think this article could have saved my most important 7 year relationship of my 20s where he was particularly reserved and stoic and I was creative and very expressive. There’s one of your paragraphs that reminded me where I thought I was helping my probing and pushing for his emotions underneath to come forward and it just didn’t work. Thanks for helping others and being willing to go in a new direction to help women and men.

anon
Guest
anon

if the guy is unable to open up to you at some point, realise there were things that werent right going on, some men are impossible to deal with…

Fazeela
Guest
Fazeela

Thank you Renee for all your hard work 😀 Love your articles

POOJA
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POOJA

Thank you dear Renee

Heather
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Heather

Your perception is always spot on. We’ve all (men & women) been so trained in our masculine world to think of solutions or strategies when sometimes the best strategy is to just be in the moment: Listen, observe and go from there.

Jane
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Jane

The best article I’ve read from you so far. Thank you very much.

Diana
Guest
Diana

Perfect and so true!

Seth Rutledge
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Seth Rutledge

what can man do for their women when they are closing up and stressed out?

Morgan
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Morgan

Hi!! Thank you for caring enough to ask this question, the women in your life will love you for it! I noticed you hadn’t gotten a response yet so I thought I would offer my personal experience 🙂 I don’t know that this will be the same for all or even most women, but I thought I could help. For me when I’m stressed, first I always need to be allowed to express what’s bothering me and the emotions that go along with it, and have my feelings accepted, even if they seem silly. I have been told before things… Read more »

Nic0lejean
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Nic0lejean

I really appreciate this article and the real insight it offers. I started looking up articles, wondering how i know if He’s losing interest, which led me to, why is he withdrawing from me, and when one article after another, said to bring my concerns to him, tell him I’m feeling neglected and concerned about our emotional bond, that he isn’t meeting my needs!…. I read it, thinking this doesn’t feel right, this isn’t the answer I’m looking for, had the conversation in my head, when i realized he would answer with, “I’m sorry Love, im just going through a… Read more »

Lily
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Lily

This article really helped me see that I was trying to comfort my boyfriend how I would want to be comforted and I now understand that’s not the best thing! I’ll feel a lot better from now on about showing my support when he is down. And with his all around stressful life that gets him down in a very dark place it’s quite often. Thank you.

Lauren Elliott
Guest
Lauren Elliott

this is pretty ridiculous ahahah your guy is stressed and ‘feminine women’ thinks you should either lap dance or give him a blowie. objectification or what.

PrincessAngel
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PrincessAngel

I need your advice. Okay if you and your bf are on “break” because he’s dealing with something should you still follow this article to show him he still matters or something different?

Brit
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Brit

I love this… thank you Renee for sharing your wisdom. Ive probably read almost all of your articles now and they have truly changed my life. Please don’t ever stop writing you’ve truly inspired me to be a better mother, a better daughter, a better spouse, just a better person. Sometimes you don’t always know what it is your doing wrong until someone shows you. And the process can be extremely frustrating at times. Your advice has literally changed my thinking and helped me focus less on myself and more on others and the journey has been incredibly fulfilling and… Read more »

Emily
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Emily

I would agree with this article. I ended up here because I don’t want to add stress to my man. He’s having stress from his studies and visa (coming here) the worse part is i’m thousand miles away from him. Just wish I’m there to comfort him.

Andrew
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Andrew

I am a guy. I will be the first to admit that I have not read a great deal of this niche of writing/blogging. However, I just wanted to give my compliments. I rarely see anyone take time and perspective to understand the masculine side, but it seems like you have become very aware of masculine behaviors and feelings, and have decided to use that knowledge for positive reasons. I am grateful for that, and I wish you wonderful success. Also, knowing that you will get a lot of flack for taking the positions and giving the advice that you… Read more »

Irena
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Irena

Seriously?? “If he has a problem…give him a lap dance or give him a blow job”???? “Oh honey I lost my job and now we don’t have half our income” “It’s ok, it will all go away with a blow job”. I don’t want my comments to sound rude, but do you realize how this article sounds? It’s basically insulting to both men and women. I do like some parts of your website and I do agree with some things you say, but you can not be serious with this article. FYI – my alpha male friend’s agree. Again, no… Read more »

Viki Samoja
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Viki Samoja

Your post suggests you have no understanding of the topic, and your “alpha male” friends are more then likely repressed betas with alpha masks. Nobody said it will go away with a blow job, but it may help your man get out of that darkplace in his mind where he is cpmpletely worthless, this is the worst situation for a man, and by extension his woman, because a man who thinks he is worthless is not motivated to get up and try again, if you as his girlfriend/wife encourage such feelings with criticism now he is thinking “my boss thinks… Read more »

Jessica
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Jessica

Boom! Hasn’t anyone ever heard, “Sometimes when your man is down and out, you have to get up and on”? 😉

Kerry
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Kerry

Just to say, I have been interested in and thinking about the things you talk about in your articles since I was very young, maybe early teens. It has always fascinated me but this is the first time I have come across anything that was so close to what I was looking for. I am currently in the early stages of a relationship, four months now, and it is going really well, especially with my understanding growing exponentially thanks to your blog. But he often has issue with his own physical appearance and it can really get him down. Usually… Read more »

Rita
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Rita

Ok!! I like all you have said Renee, but i have one question…what idea i can give to my man when we r having a little distance relationship and that i love him so much and …and he is having some issues with his parents and also work…because i dont work mow..so u see? So what exactly can i bring on the table to make him feel better n tell him that everything will be alright

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