Is it Wise to Pick A Man Who Loves You More Than You Love Him?

will he stick with me?

Is it wise to choose a man who is more in love with you than you are with him?

On a primal level, it benefits women to pick a man who is far more in love with her than she is with him, because that FEELS like he will stick around, and so we (and our babies) can have all his resources.

However, this is the exact thing many men hate about a relationship, and commitment to a woman. Research shows that men fall in love faster, and way harder than women do. And, research done by the well respected Anthropologist Helen Fisher, also shows that MEN are far more idealistic about love and relationships than women are. Are you surprised?

Research shows, also, that women on the other hand, are more pragmatic: “hm….is he willing to give me marriage and babies?” “is he the tallest and smartest one I can get?” “is he rich enough to get us through the 18 years of all our children’s lives?” “Is he the richest one I’ve got on my contact list?” “Is he willing to spend money on me?” “I’m in love with another man, but he is nuts and doesn’t stick around. A safer bet would be to go with the ‘cute’ one who will stick around.”

“I’m not as passionate about him as I am about Daniel, but at least he’ll stick around.”

The problem is, this makes men feel like crap. It breaks hearts, it makes them never want to commit to another woman again. If I could count the number of times I’ve heard stories about men who fell in love, and it was their first love, and they were willing to give her everything, and they DID….but then, after 5 years of marriage, they find out that she’s run off an gotten pregnant to the bad boy, I would at least be half-rich. If you’re interested to see this for yourself, start with this discussion page here.

Men need to fall in love from an evolutionary perspective, because it encourages them to shell out their resources to just one woman for the long term. If they are not in love, they are not likely at all to shell out any resources. They have sex with the women and then leave.

But if he is in love, he shells out more than just dinner and a movie. A little bit of money is easy to shell out. But falling in LOVE makes men shell out a bunch of other resources that normally feel unnatural to him – emotional resources. For a number of years.

At least the children will have a caring and involved daddy. Good for wife, and good for children.

When I was 18, my mother and her friends told me to pick a man that loves me more than I love him. I scrunched my nose up. Something didn’t feel right to me, hearing that. It felt selfish. It felt so guarded and such a miserable way to live.

Many years later, if you were to ask me: is it wise to pick a man who loves you more than you love him?

Well, my answer is, yes, and no.

Yes, if you treat relationships as a transaction. (“what is this man worth to me? What can he GIVE me?” “is he willing to have a long term relationship with me?”) Hey, many women do this.

No, if you want to live a blissfully happy, passionate and fulfilling life, where other people look at your relationship and envy you.

I choose the No.

You might be wondering why I give that reason for the ‘no’ answer.

My answer is because: it is only through YOUR emotional vulnerability to a man that YOU get to feel the full pleasure and bliss of what an intimate relationship has to offer: magnifying your emotions. And it is this way that HE gets to feel great with you too.

It can’t work long term unless you both have INTENSE emotions towards each other. After all, that’s the purpose of intimate relationship: to magnify our emotions, and make life more delicious. (read an article about how to get him to propose)

Being completely vulnerable to a man, being completely in love, actually give YOU incredible pleasure, and provided he is also in love with you, you both get to grow together and develop a loving, beautiful, lasting and passionate relationship.

When you are choosing a man completely pragmatically, or logically, and not because you are truly in love – and not because you just want a RELATIONSHIP for the sake of a relationship – it’s you who eventually suffers. We don’t live only 15-30 years anymore, like our ancestors. Back then, the strategy of picking a man who loves you more than you love him worked. It got the species procreating, it allowed you access to resources that helped you and your babies live.

But, here’s the problem: We live some 60-120 years now! Now, it’s not the transaction, and what we can GET from a man that makes us giddy and happy in our relationship. Now, we want happiness. Transactions between a man and a woman aren’t designed for happiness.

We are evolving beyond this transaction thing now. At least that’s the way I would like to see the world moving. And that’s what I believe in.

To be happy in a relationship, you have to be vulnerable to a man. not logical about his WORTH to you. That takes courage, though. Because, with vulnerability also comes pain. I’m ok with that, aren’t you? Pain is a part of life. We try to avoid it like it’s the devil. Actually, it’s not: it’s a gift. Without allowing yourself to feel deep fear and pain, you cannot experience deep love and passion. (read my article about how to be submissive for love)

I suggest you value your long-term happiness, rather than what’s easy; and choose a man who you are obviously  in love with, and whom is also obviously in love with you. Of course, as a woman, you will always choose the best man, who has the better provider qualities, to be in a relationship with. There is nothing wrong with that, and that’s instinctive whether you like it or not. It’s there to help you.

The question is though:

why are you really choosing to commit to him long-term? Are you making the decision to commit to a man for the long term because he loves you more than you love him? And are you looking to just keep the man around, because if he loves you more, then he WILL stick around?

Because he won’t. Soon, he’ll be another male statistic that feels used by women.  He’ll get tired of desiring you more than you desire him. Being more invested in the relationship than you are. He’ll want something else.

I choose to say it is not wise, for your own long term happiness, to choose a man who is more in love with you than you are with him. I don’t want to make my values your values, too, though. So what do you think? Would you prefer to choose the man who is in love with you while you like him just ‘enough’ to be with him?

Renee the feminine woman

 

72 Comments

  • Vana

    Reply Reply March 17, 2014

    Every relationship I have been involved in I fell in love much faster than the men did. And afterward the relationship was OVER!
    He didn’t feel that way about me.
    Except for the last one, I felt like he did love me but I was never sure. Yes I had feelings for him but then he developed feelings for another woman and MARRIED HER! And didn’t tell me he was dating someone else! He informed me on his honeymoon in an email that he got married.

    I am left very hurt. Perhaps I gave him too much space.

  • Anthony

    Reply Reply January 17, 2014

    The problem with you ladies being indecisive is just because uv not had sex with him just like uv always with the guys u all clam to be in love with and end up deicing u,I have discovered women tend not to have emotions for men they’ve not had sex with or intimacy with u can bet a guy who has not been intimate with u yet falling over hills for you without intimacy you are so so lucky let him in into your world but if u can’t steel let him in u end up settling for less. Cu’s sex bring bound both spiritual and physical that’s all u need to understand u all lack understanding.

  • M Dizzy

    Reply Reply July 23, 2013

    See, here’s the thing: men act like they want this situation. They seem to WANT you to be cold to them. As soon as you act caring, they leave. And this is from a “good girl,” so it’s not about anything physical. It don’t think it’s right; it’s dishonest for a woman to act this way and disrespectful (toward himself and the woman) for a man to disallow a woman to behave naturally in a relationship. It seems abusive to me. But this is an accepted cultural norm. Why?

    • Andy

      Reply Reply December 29, 2013

      Seriously….. Your obviously dating the wrong type of guys. A decent guy who has had experience (key word there) appreciates and values a genuine caring partner who loves him just as much back.

      You might be a ‘good girl’ but you can still make bad choices when it comes to who you date.

  • Mayra Vargas

    Reply Reply June 25, 2013

    Well I think its just gives u the upper hand in the relationship that’s why it would be wise but it should not be that way. I believe if u love a person u should not hide it and be yourself if its to much for the other person to handle it was just not meant to be and move on.

    • John

      Reply Reply July 11, 2013

      Why does anyone need the “upper hand” in the relationship?

      Do you realise the idea of a relationship is a partnership?

  • Giana

    Reply Reply May 11, 2013

    I think it is important to note that we do live in a world where arranged marriages are still quite common place in some societies. But, even among our upper classes I am certain many young women are still expected to marry someone who will be good husband material, a provider etc. And, many of these marriages do last a lifetime. Love isn’t simply an emotion that is felt, it is in the actions that we display to our significant other that speak volumes about how we truly feel.

    You can’t simply marry someone based on an emotion, there are other requirements that are needed to last the long haul, one of these is the commitment factor. How serious and committed are the individuals.

    I saw two posts from men in this thread. It is my personal opinion that many young men in america are just little boys. And, are completely lacking of the male back bone. Completely de-masculined if there is such a word and like a bunch of sissy boys. This does not refer to persons who are gay.

    • Anjali

      Reply Reply May 27, 2013

      Hello Giana,

      You are so right. Arranged marriages work because they are not based on emotions (in the begining at least) but on committement to start with. I am from Asia, so, I know this.

      Right now, there is a guy, rich certainly, who is head over heels in love with me, but I am not. I take him as a friend. The person whom I like(d), ditched me in the end. Age is running out and I need to decide soon. One can’t keep waiting endlessly ! There is no perfect guy and one needs to compromise on somewhere.
      Can’t keep the other guy hanging in there. I do like him, but not love him per se. He is so sincere, no malice towards anyone .. A real good guy just looking to settle down.
      I am on cross-roads.

      • Anjali

        Reply Reply May 27, 2013

        Forgot to add that I am going to 33 and single since a long time.. There have been men who have/had been interested in me, but I never gave them my time as I didn’t have any feeling for them..

        This guy knows that I am undecisive and is okay with giving me more time as we have known each other for an year now and have met only 5 times as we don’t live in the same country. We write and speak to each other regularly.

        • Chick

          Reply Reply October 27, 2013

          Hi Anjali
          I wonder what you have decided in the end with the guy head over heels with you, but you dont feel the same? I am in an exact boat with you. There were two guys. The guy I realised now that I like and may work, ditched me and now with someone else. Im indecisive too just like you and in a different country from the guy that is head over heels with me. I gave him a chance so now dating long distance. Like your guy, my guy just wants to settle down too. I like him, like you, but not as much as he does. Time is not on my side too. I am in my late 20s. So just wondering what have you decided? It would be interesting if we can share our thoughts.

        • Anthony

          Reply Reply January 17, 2014

          The problem with you ladies being indecisive is just because uv not had sex with him just like uv always with the guys u all clam to be in love with and end up deicing u I have discovered women tend not to have emotions for men they’ve not had sex with or intimacy with u can bet a guy who has not been intimate with u yet falling over hells for you without intimacy you are so so lucky let him in into your world but if u can’t steel let him in u end up setting for less. Cu’s sex bring bound both spiritual and physical that all u need to understand u all lack understanding.

  • Adele

    Reply Reply May 9, 2013

    I never wanted to be with a man who loved me more, but right now I have a man in my life who is so stoic, so unemotional, so extremely masculine, that I don’t know if he loves me at all. It is way harder to do what this article says. I have this man in my life and I sometimes wish for a man that was more demonstrative, more relationship-oriented. I hate that my heart is in this. I feel so powerless and weak. I can see why a woman would choose a man who loves her more. I am so tired of living in fear that he will leave. I wonder why he came after me in the first place. And I even wonder why he is sticking around and for how long. It would be a relief to have a sensitive man now. I don’t know.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply May 11, 2013

      Hey Adele,

      Thank you for sharing so honestly and vulnerably.

      Have you expressed recently to him honestly and vulnerably as you have here – that you fear being abandoned?

      • Adele

        Reply Reply May 12, 2013

        Hello Renee,
        I have said I’m afraid that he will leave me and that I felt insecure. But not as openly expressive as I wrote on here. Not as vulnerably. He said once that I wasn’t vulnerable. And even said that I wasn’t innocent. Yes, I’ve been hurt, and have had my guard up for a while. I finally told him why, that my ex betrayed me in an extremely humiliating way (think Kim Kardashian and Ray J). Maybe he finally understands that even though I love him, its hard for me to express my feelings, and I always seem to doubt his intentions.

        • Renee Wade

          Reply Reply May 12, 2013

          Hi Adele,

          I know how hard it is. It’s easy to doubt a different species’ intent. :) It takes time, and that’s ok…sometimes just being conscious of your own fearful pattern and doing everything you can to break that pattern (walk in the opposite direction, do jumping jacket…whatever it takes).

          He has said that you’re not vulnerable…a clue maybe? :) he needs that from you, but I know that as a woman we also feel that a man needs to earn that.

          Sometimes though…we just have to bite the bullet and lead with our own vulnerability. xoxox you take care!

  • John

    Reply Reply April 28, 2013

    This is a very interesting and thought provoking site. This article begs the question, what do women (and men) mean when they say they are “in love”? I have a friend who was being told by his now ex wife for months that she “loved” him right up to the point that he found her bonking her ex while he was minding the children. Is “I love you” an emotional open check, able to be later interpretted to mean whatever anyone wishes? “You said you loved me: therefore …..”. Is it linguistic laziness: What’s wrong with being specific and saying, as appropriate: “When I see your smile I overflow with happiness” or “When I look at you, I see the trusting and vulnerable child inside you and want to nurture her” or to quote the Navi “I see YOU”. When people (other than my mate’s ex) use it they often seem to be making a prognosis of unalterable feeling rather than expressing how they feel. For anyone who is not incredibly naive to the fickleness of feelings to make such a prognosis seems at best misleading. The meaning is so loose and the term so debased that they might even be offering a contract of transactions rather than being truly honest about their inner state, as hinted in this article. If a person’s promise of evergreen love and nurturing could be easily liquidated, halved and invested in the bank for the ex’s future enjoyment after separation, then how much more seriously might people take the declaration “I love you”?

    • Madeline

      Reply Reply July 11, 2013

      My sentiments exactly. Women get carried away with all this “soul mate” and “love” stuff. I’m happily married but never calculated who “loved” more etc. We are very compatible, happy and there is a real sense of equality and mutual admiration and respect. Lots of women chase some flimsy, whimsical idea of “love” but they don’t even know what it means.

      • M Dizzy

        Reply Reply July 23, 2013

        I think you should thank God for your relationship. You’re very blessed. I would say most women chase what you take for granted.

  • John

    Reply Reply February 19, 2013

    Great post. Extremely refreshing to hear this sort of sense spoken out loud. :)

  • jane

    Reply Reply February 14, 2013

    From my experience, I have been through hardship for a while, when I was little i recognized that my mother had chosen a man she loved more than herself, he was a narcissist and she was codependent. You see the men who are good with their tongues, those who can seduce a woman and play games with her heart, most of the time are the most insecure and those who want to destroy the confident caring woman because they know she is better than then….And by this i mean MORALLY, i connect religion to all of this because i realized I kept falling for narcissist, but I always refused the abuse because i had seen my mom suffer since she loved him more than herself. her compassion was so great she wanted to save him, because she knew his ego was trying to take over him….. The truth is women around the world try to save these men they feel a need to rescue them and that makes them love them. however it is no woman’s responsibility to do such things. these men need to find their way on their own, they have to be responsible for their actions, because form the time they were children they were taught that they could get away with anything, which is why many get away with breaking a woman’s heart. We need to learn as women that we will not let them get away with playing with our hearts.. So I say NO it is not wise to love a man that loves you more than they love you, because many men out there are irresponsible and we need to let them know that they cannot abuse us or confuse us…. In the bible eve fell for the lies of a snake, men that we start idolizing more than ourselves are just like that snake trying to seduce us into taking the road of lust which are those butterflies we feel is love…. but that is not love, Love is letting the men find their own way, not giving in into their demands, and loving ourselves a little more than we love them… Loving them the way we would love our children by teaching them right form wrong and disciplining them to understand that in life in every aspect there are boundaries that they should not cross… Because when a man really loves you, he might not be good with words, but he shows you compassion and shows you respect, and many women fall for the snake who if many of you have not noticed, always find it fun to mess with your head, they think it’s a game and they feel powerful and happy that they can cause us to go crazy… they will always control the dumb women with lust… so when you think of true love… think of the love you would have for a son… do not spoil them to the point they become irresponsible… love responsibly and always choose a man who loves you more, because that is how your children will grow up to see the compassion that both men and women have for one another… there is no other way to fix this world and fight against that snake….

    • Pete

      Reply Reply May 7, 2013

      Couldn’t have put it better myself. It’s a shame more women don’t realise this, much to their detriment.

    • Anjali

      Reply Reply May 27, 2013

      So, I should probably go for the above mentioned man? He respects me, worships the ground on which I walk, though I just ‘like’ him as a friend. Love manifests itself over the years through complicity, etc. or so, I have heard…

  • Larissa

    Reply Reply February 7, 2013

    Thanks Renee for the thought provoking (and personally timely) article. I am currently in a situation where a man I foolishly kept in my life thinking or saying out loud that we were ‘friends’ is actually totally in love with me. He cries over it, wants to throw money at me, texts me or calls me everyday (most of which I have to ignore) and tells me he is going to make me his girlfriend. I have nearly succumb to giving in. The problem is, I’m not attracted to him. I don’t love him. After being there for him at a very important thing in his life recently (like I would any friend, again, I know, foolish) I drove all the way home thinking about whether I should go out with him or not. I called my mum and she was like, ‘it depends on how YOU feel- you cant go out with him just because of how he feels.’ And she’s right, but here’s the thing, I’ve been single for years and being alone is completely distracting in my life and hangs feelings of embarrassment and low self esteem over me like a fog cloud. (I never used to feel that way. It’s just that I’m 27 now.) And then I think, am I crazy to not go out with him and let him love me as a transaction? I mean, plenty of single girls would die to have a man feel this way about them, but I don’t want him to. His friend said to me once, ‘why dont you just get married to him. He cant court you for years.’ I just wanted to say to him, well, no but I don’t want him to. I even tried cutting off contact with him for months one time but he relentlessly pursues me. I think though as hard as it seems, I’m going to have to say no. I would love to have a man right now, especially one who feels the way he does about me and can provide like he can, but the feelings just aren’t there. It would be smart but dishonest of me to be his girlfriend. I never thought I would end up in this situation, I’m so slow to learn. All the best everyone

    • John

      Reply Reply February 19, 2013

      Up until the point you said you weren’t going to go ahead with your plan, this was one of the most terrifying insights into the female mind I’ve read in a log time.

      Man are not objects, we are not resources, we are human beings with emotions and feelings which women seem to think don’t exist or just plain don’t matter. It’s the hight of disrespect.

      I’m not a bitter man, I’m happily dating and have no problem in locating women who do not share this kind of thinking but it does get me thinking. How deep does this mind set go? You’ve got me questioning everything. I certainly don’t plan on ever marrying.

      • John

        Reply Reply February 19, 2013

        long*
        men*

        [corrections]

    • Adele

      Reply Reply February 19, 2013

      Don’t force yourself to be with him, that’s a disservice to yourself. If you’re not attracted to him there is probably s good reason! He’s probably just not right for you!

    • PM

      Reply Reply March 24, 2013

      Yes, for the sake of men everywhere, DON’T just use a man for his resources and your emotional fulfillment because of YOUR low self-esteem due to not having a boyfriend. That’s just wrong, for the both of you AND for the rest of us. What’ll happen is you’ll just end up running off someday. Don’t do it.

      But I agree with John, this is frightening insight into the female mind. I’ve never been married and I make very good money, after I read this stuff I don’t want to seek a partner. Much, much better to be by myself and do what I want and not worry about whether she’s going to run-off someday because she chose me for my resources and her own selfish needs.

      No way.

      • Sachmet

        Reply Reply May 8, 2013

        Hi PM,

        Please don’t let that scare you and don’t forget that this is not a frightening insight into THE female mind but ONE female’s mind. Don’t generalize. Judging from Larissa’s post, she does not seem to be malevolent but rather insecure and maybe a little confused. Personally I feel rather sorry for this.
        Moreover – and I am not saying this to hurt you – when you are afraid that a woman might just choose you for your resources and her own selfish needs, you don’t seem to trust your own judgement a lot, do you?

        • John

          Reply Reply July 11, 2013

          Well, I think that was my point.

          I don’t trust my judgement any more. The female mind only seems to become more baffling as I age.

    • Pete

      Reply Reply May 7, 2013

      I know exactly how you feel. I have many pretty girls chasing me, and friends and family are starting to suspect i’m gay. I want someone to connect with emotionally and ignites the flames of deire. Looks are secondary. If i can’t get that, then whats the point? But like you i wonder if i’m missing out.

  • Ennitha

    Reply Reply February 3, 2013

    I am in love with a man who is not my type at all! he is crazy about me and will do anything for me, I fell in love with him the minute we met, before I knew his feelings towards me.

    I feel loved and appreciated,cared for and everything else, he is not rich or anything like that, its just the looks department, he is not ugly either, just not as attractive as all the men I have been with, I know this might sound very superficial but it’s who I am, I have tried t change, but I just can’t pass it, I have always gone out with good looking men, but never felt they loved me as this guy does, apart from one guy but the relatinship ended with a disaster.

    The chemistry with this man is undeniable, but I just don’t feel the wow factor when I look at him, how is it possible to have this passionate feeling and chemistry but yet not feel attacted to???

    • M Dizzy

      Reply Reply July 23, 2013

      Maybe you don’t necessarily trust him yet. That’s okay.

  • Tata

    Reply Reply January 30, 2013

    I have had married women give me this advice, and it didn’t make sense to me at the time. I have HAD guys who wanted to be with me, and who clearly loved/liked me more than I loved/liked them. I can’t imagine staying with these guys out of desperation for a ring. Some women around me seem to think that I’m a head case or desperate because I am not yet married and in my late 20s. Honestly, I just don’t want to commit to wrong man! I don’t want to settle for someone I don’t love! One of the women who told me to settle for someone who loved me more is a shameless flirt around attractive men! Not judging, but wow! She makes suggestive sexual comments to guys all the time! Maybe she is happily married, but I know that my mom wouldn’t do that to my dad! I am now dating a man who I believe loves me as much as I love him, thanks to Renee in all honesty. If not for her blog and courses, I would have been *too afraid* to be with someone that I really loved.

    • PM

      Reply Reply March 24, 2013

      See now that’s excellent, good and fair to both yourself and to whichever partner you choose. Good on ya.

      But I can relate on the inverse side – i’m a man, 41, never been married. I’m college-educated, make good money as a programmer. I’m setting myself up so that I can possibly retire or at least slow down in ten years so I can live the rest of my live unimpeded by work BS. I’m physically fit, do strength training, krav maga/boxing and some form of exercise everyday. I have many interests. The wives of my friends always ask, sometimes in a snotty tone, “are you ever going to get married?”. One of their 14 year-old daughters has taken to constantly asking me why i’m not married. I’m tired of the questions and rather than hit my self-esteem, it often makes me angry. Some people imply that i’m gay, which is also frustrating. I don’t understand why women seem to think that I HAVE to be married. I know that with one one my friends’ wives it comes down to jealousy – she doesn’t like her man hanging out with a single man lest I be encouraging him to leer at other women. Seriously. I don’t get why people want to project their outlook onto me. I’m unmarried, really am totally happy and so what if I wait? Don’t rush things, just do what you do and keep going.

      • Girl from Sydney

        Reply Reply April 3, 2014

        Something that may interest you, if you plan on having children, you may want to do it very soon. Many men think women only have a biological clock ticking, science has now proven men do too…children born to older men have a much higher chance of having ADHD and other mental disorders like bipolar. Food for thought.

        Maybe they aren’t jealous but insecure about their partners going out with the single guy. That’s her problem and definitely not yours – I’m with you on that one!

  • arif

    Reply Reply January 28, 2013

    The woman i loved for 18 months, my first and i’m afraid my last true love says she no longer loves me and is incapable of love..

  • pj

    Reply Reply November 16, 2012

    I have been interested in female psychology since yes I liked her a lot, but no she was not intense enough, and so I make up for it with overcompensating through dislove, as it were. But damn it is difficult to find intense women who are not just one way…and I feel like a jerk being intense to someone who is not, maybe cruelty should begat cruelty but it seems childish.

  • Lisa xoxoxo

    Reply Reply October 18, 2012

    This is a great site which truly defines me. I know what it’s like to love someone deeply and not get the same in return. Now years later, I’ve found someone whom I was introduced to as a companionship not searching for a relationship. After many years of knowing this person he has fallen madly in love with me but it’s the opposite for me. He’s everything I would want in a man that I would want to be in love with but the chemistry is not there. He’s asked me to marry him several times but I can find within me to say yes. I’ve tried to be honest to him to let him know that I’m not in love with him but it’s like he’s not hearing me. Although, im faithful to him its hard when you want to be in relation where the attraction is mutual. He keeps saying I’ll keep trying. He’s done so much for me more than I can explain. I know in my heart he
    deserves more than what I’m giving him which is 100 percent of me. He doesn’t deserves to be
    hurt. I’m not sure how this will play out but I hope there an happy ending to this situation. Im open for suggestions.

    • PM

      Reply Reply March 24, 2013

      Well in this case it seems as though he’s putting himself into a situation where he deserves to be hurt. If you are communicating with him like you say you are and he’s just flat-out ignoring it, then he’s either an idiot or not respecting your wishes. At some point he has to be smart enough to grasp it.

      I’m a man, by the way. When I women tells me that she’s not sure I just say “okay” and walk away, that simple. What am I going to do – force somebody? How’s that going to work?

      Just as much as I say I don’t understand women, I equally don’t always understand men.

  • Michelle

    Reply Reply September 14, 2012

    I’ve been in this type of relationship, and in the beginning i did love him, alot. as time wore on it faded though, he was older than me and i wanted to be free. i still feel awful for ending it after two years, but i had to and forsaw where it would wind up. He loved me so much, and would do anything for me, but it wasnt what i wanted, i wanted to be happy for myself. i have thoughts though still, and this might even sound selfish but, the fact that he loved me soo much makes me feel like im worth loving. and i can carry that with me always.

  • Ayo

    Reply Reply February 28, 2012

    For me, I just need to feel that he is at least giving and generous. What I cannot stand is a man who ask for anything before he has given. A man who gives shows a sign of an open heart. A man who spiritually knows that there is more where that came from. I don’t need him to give me financial stuff all the time but I need to feel he can give and share. A stingy selfish man is not a man I want to have children with. If a man commits his resource to something that I know on average would not be easy for him to do, that is a form of loving sacrifice and it shows (to me) he is willing to put the needs of others (his wife and children) before his own. He doesn’t have to show this in monetary forms either, it could be an act of concern, act of bravery, act of being there for me in my time of need. I just need him to show this once, just once, and the universe is the limit for what I’ll be willing to share and loving give in return, until then…I feel in the beginning, my smile, my open heart and my attentive attention are worth their wait in gold.

    • John

      Reply Reply July 16, 2013

      I’m glad you said it needn’t be monetary. So often, women expect men to put the needs of diamond traders and gold miners ahead of the future needs of a growing family. Since the invention of modern finance and credit cards, a guy with nothing can buy a big ring, then after the wedding you get to help him pay back the debt. What does that demomnstrate except imprudence by both parties?

  • FeistyWoman

    Reply Reply February 9, 2012

    I agree that women need to be vulnerable to their men. But men also need to be vulnerable to their women. And the women on the receiving end of a man’s vulnerability need to be assertive in truly loving and appreciating the man himself, not gauging his worth on what he can provide. Unless they both mind not looking forward (as you pointed out) to a life of inevitable misery and regret.

    We do it subconsciously- women choose men according to their resources and men choose women according to how well they compliment said resources (if you catch my drift). Whether he loves her more or vice versa, I think every relationship teeters on its own axis with one person on either side possessing more power and influence over the whole relationship (who wears the pants).

    Regardless, anyone who marries for reasons other than true love are in for a very rude awakening.

    FW

    • Renee

      Reply Reply February 9, 2012

      Hey Feisty Woman, thanks for stopping by! Love your comment.

      On that note I have a question….

      You’ve piqued my curiosity: “We do it subconsciously- women choose men according to their resources and men choose women according to how well they compliment said resources (if you catch my drift).”

      What do you mean?

      • FeistyWoman

        Reply Reply February 9, 2012

        I meant, generally speaking that women choose men for their money, and men choose women for their looks- hence, how a good-looking woman improves a powerful/rich man’s image and status.

        FW

  • Sandra81

    Reply Reply February 7, 2012

    At least, someone who thinks like me! :) And I was often put in the position of making that choice, and every time I turned down those guys. Sometimes I wondered if I did well or not. If I said “yes” to any of those guys, maybe now I would have been married and with kids. :P BUT: I think it’s not fair on the guy, it is indeed selfish, and I wouldn’t have liked it the other way around. I don’t want the guy I love to stay with me only because I am “safe”, or “a good girl”, and nothing more. I’m sure everyone, man or woman, wants and deserves to feel loved, not just “appreciated”. With time, the other person will feel unloved, and then frustration may kick in, causing him to withdraw or even act nasty.
    Ok, you will not have the pain (or at least the anxiety) that comes with being in love, because you don’t really care if he is in a bad mood, or if he didn’t answer the phone, or if other girls are after him too. But you won’t feel ALIVE either! When you’re in love, your feelings, whether good or bad, are genuine, and come straight from the heart! ;)

    • Renee

      Reply Reply February 7, 2012

      LOVE what you’ve said Sandra, thanks for sharing.

  • mary 89

    Reply Reply February 7, 2012

    I don t know. For me the best relationship is one inwhich both parties love eachother equally, but it s hard to find such a relationship. Anyway I want a man who accepts me as I am.I m not willing to try to become his dream girl – if he has ideals & fantaisies, I have my owns too. A good reationship needs passion and then, understanding & accepting your differences, and for me, these are the elements of a successful relationship. I m don t wanna sacrifice everything to have a fairy-tale love.
    I was very open to love before & didn t fear being vulnerable, however I think when I expressed my love the guy started to play mind games & didn t take it as serious. Fortunately I knew very soon that I was wasting my energy & tried to forget those loves…. After a while, it was the guy who came back, expecting my love, but I was disappointed & unwilling to retry. Now I am more exprienced. I prefer to infiuece men so that they become more emotionally involved in relationship than me.I am not willing to avoid the pain, it happens automatically since I changed my way.

  • Night1Candi

    Reply Reply February 6, 2012

    Wow, I loved reading this, thank you so much, Renee. Profound happiness and the passion are things that I have always yearned to have with a man. Sometimes, I wonder how to help a man believe that and have trust when you’re broke as a joke and he’s super wealthy already. LOL.
    Currently, I am trying to get my life put back together now in the name of love after having lived a purposeless and depressing young adult life. It is taking a long time, but it is working slowly but surely! Though, it still seems to be taking a lot longer than either of us like, and does not do too well for me emotionally because I start to either hate or punish myself emotionally for feeling like I am ‘failing’ him. My mom tells me that I am my own worst enemy. :/ Any suggestions?

    • Renee

      Reply Reply February 6, 2012

      Hi Night1Candi.

      You answered your own question in your comment:

      “Currently, I am trying to get my life put back together now in the name of love after having lived a purposeless and depressing young adult life”

      The key word was purposeless. The answer is: Find a purpose. By that I don’t mean be masculine and spend your life “going for it”.

      I mean, believe in something higher than yourself. Get out of your own butt and believe in something more, and LIVE it so that you inspire more in your man, and in your relationship. Believe in something and walk it and talk it and live it.

      The only way to get ourselves through is to believe in something without a doubt.

      • Night1Candi

        Reply Reply February 8, 2012

        Yes, I have found a purpose because of him. I started to take better care of myself and become happier and feel like I finally had something in life that made me happy. Thus, I have been working on fixing everything that was broken in my life (there were a LOT of things… not as many now), so that there will be no paper/debt/etc trail following me when I finally try to move closer to him (and we are long distance, now). I do not want to bring those kinds of things to his doorstep. I can see how wonderful things could be as soon as I get it all put together again and get a new job (currently employed but looking for better pay in his area) to get moved… But, all these things like this seem to take a lot longer than I was hoping. I have been working on this for six months, since I met him. I know he could pay for everything and make things better with much more ease and that he would be willing to, but I don’t want him to feel like I do not have what it takes to be a good companion who will work alongside him through life. Nor, do I want him to feel like he is taken advantage or like he will have to fund everything for the rest of our lives, because I don’t believe in treating a good man like that… And, he is very special to me, and I want him to be proud of me, rather than feeling like a mooch. So, I am trying to do what I can.
        Thank you for the reply.

  • Jemimah

    Reply Reply February 6, 2012

    I strongly hold the opinion that a relationship should be built on mutual grounds.There should be love en passion on both sides for the magic to happen but most at times we are emotionally controlled beings and men tend to take too much advantage of that,making us do things in the name of “love” but never returning back the same.

    • John

      Reply Reply February 20, 2013

      That seems to fly in the face of the article and every post here. What do men make women do in the name of love?

  • Nay

    Reply Reply February 3, 2012

    HI RENEE,
    What a great article, and I cant agre with you more that for blissful and happy life its better to have mutual love…I was in marriage, and even thou I tryed to save our marriage and be good wife, it seemed I cannot make my husband happy…In the beggining I had problems with being feminine due to my high competitive job, and then I stated to read all your articles and other books, and I learned and changed myself..But my husband still wanted me to be the worker of the family and also take care of all of his needs…and I listen to my heart and we are getting divorse now, and when we were talking about break up he told me that he always felt that I love him unconditionally no mater what he does thats why he was soo surprised that I was standing up for my self and my needs and desires which he told me he doesnt want to give me…He said he fallowed his dads advice to marry better a women who loves you than the one you love more….It was hard for me to hear it, but I know I was put in this situation to learn and I am still believing in true love and I know I will have the relationship where were have mutual love and passion..thank you for all the great advice you are puting out there for all of us..YOu trully are an angel!!!!!Lots of love and happiness to you and David!!!!!

    • Renee

      Reply Reply February 3, 2012

      Hi Nay,

      Thanks for sharing this story of your past relationship. I think our fathers/mothers feel like they are protecting us by telling us to find someone who loves us more (like your ex husband). However, this is a recipe for misery – it’s such a closed and guarded way to live. It’s not really living.

      Thanks for still believing.

      Renee.

  • teri

    Reply Reply February 3, 2012

    I have heard this notion of being with a man who is more in love than you are with him, and don’t think it suits me at all. This may be the reason for my first marriage ending. Whether it is for safety, money, or even nice companionship, I do not think it is suitable for me to give myself to a man with whom my feelings are not very, very strong. I have known that ‘feeling’ and do not want to settle for less, though I know there is no guarantee that it will last in every case. Also, there is no guarantee that when you feel it, your loved one will return it as you would wish. It is still the goal, I believe. The worst feeling is to ultimately feel trapped or like you may have missed the chance at true love – I would rather be on my own then to feel as though I missed the one I really wanted because I was tied down with another.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply February 3, 2012

      Thanks Teri, this was enlightening. Yes, it’s so true: choosing to have a relationship with a man who only feel ‘ok’ about, and because he’s Mr. ‘near enough is good enough’, will end up feeling very trapping. Not sure if that made grammatical sense, but you get what I mean.

      And I would add that, it might suit for a little while, but you would never be happy because on some level you know you’re being a traitor.

  • Jo

    Reply Reply February 3, 2012

    Because of my giving nature, I’ve been used and squeezed dry when I loved the man equally or more. But I also never took a man’s potential to be a provider into account, nor did I ever give thought to if hed cheat or not. My last serious boyfriend let me pay for everything and had another girlfriend on the side the last year of our 2,5 year relationship. They are now getting married. And the 5 yr relationship before him, I got stuck with the $75,000 in credit card debt (and BK) and he got the house, Jeep and a new teenage girlfriend (whom he’s married to now as well) . And let’s not go into all the others.

    I’m now 38 and luckily still very attractive for my age; I’m done being the one who loves more. I now want security and kids. Ironically, I now ave a bigger selection of men than I did when I was younger & more romantic.

  • nalin

    Reply Reply February 3, 2012

    Wht bless if the woman is don`t care i fuck all around? Yet,we can comes to terms and get the whole world.Problems is that don`t work with women,they want to hang on to th bbb or leave.I wish if she pay for me for go with other women for dinners and shopping and hotel prizes.thats will be an angle just drop from heaven..Would anyone just that way? please contact me,i ll commit billons %%%

  • Pauliina

    Reply Reply February 3, 2012

    I would choose a guy who loves me more than I love him. Whenever I have the courage to be vulnerable I tend to get to know the painful side only; I too would love to feel loved some time.

    • Reem

      Reply Reply February 3, 2012

      Being vulnerable to the right person who loves you back will give you the same result but in a more passionate relationship.

      It can be difficult especially when we havent met that man yet, i guess experience can teach us if we choose to be with someone who we dont really love much.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply February 3, 2012

      Hi Paulina! but, I suggest, there is also a blissful side to your vulnerability that you have not focused on.

      • Riikka-Pauliina

        Reply Reply February 5, 2012

        Renee, thank you for your comment. Though, I am not quite sure that I understand, so far vulnerability has not brought any love, affection, passion or bliss with it in return, and I am tired of getting hurt. I wish I could believe in it and what you write about could happen to me too, but I really don’t know if I want to open up myself anymore.

        • Renee

          Reply Reply February 5, 2012

          Hi lovely,

          You cannot have love without pain. To think that you can love someone else without having any pain is tricking yourself in to more suffering.

          It doesn’t mean you should stay with someone who treats you bad – but you do have to get good at eliminating those people. Love yourself enough to eliminate people who are not worth your time.

          It’s easy for many of us to start expecting love should be painless, but that’s not true.

          Can you think of a time when your vulnerability to someone brought you pleasure? Joy?

  • Summer11

    Reply Reply February 3, 2012

    Hi Renee!

    Thank you for your fabulous post! As usually you give us your perspective in a nice way. In this topic today I can say that I also heard about this sentence “choose a man who love you more than you do” and coincidence one of my friends just tell me the exact sentence as your topic here.

    In my opinion, after I was in some relationship before, I feel that it’s still, have a man that love you more than you do, is still the best choice. I need assurance.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply February 3, 2012

      Hi Summer11, thanks for sharing.

      I understand the need for assurance. Intimate relationships are that area of life that are the most fear-filled and potentially painful.

      However, what I’ve learned is this: the need for assurance is good, but it needs balance. If you value certainty and assurance to the death; you can have no relationship at all. You will end up alone.

      Relationships are never certain, but that’s also the reason why we covet them, yet have such a yes/no, love/hate relationship with intimate relationships! Because they are also the place that provides us with the most pleasure and sense of aliveness.

  • Paulina

    Reply Reply February 2, 2012

    Dear Renee,

    About “Is it Wise to Pick A Man Who Loves You More Than You Love Him?” my answer is big NO too…I think we life in this world we should find true Happiness..and my happiness is to find my true love that make me feel happy and always make me to challenge my self to be better person..

    “To be happy in a relationship, you have to be vulnerable to a man. not logical about his WORTH to you. That takes courage, though. Because, with vulnerability also comes pain. I’m ok with that, aren’t you? Pain is a part of life. We try to avoid it like it’s the devil. Actually, it’s not: it’s a gift. Without allowing yourself to feel deep fear and pain, you cannot experience deep love and passion”

    I agree with that statement….sometimes we afraid to fall in love coz there is pain inside too, I have experience about that…If I try to avoid it I feel like I become stone women and hater woman, but when I allow my feeling to feel fear and pain suddenly after that I feel relax and feel more love deep inside.

    Thank you renee for such inspiring article, I read a lot of your article about how we have to be true feminine…this is all makes me grow…I really need more learn how to be more feminine

    xoxoxoxo

    Yeny Paulina L

    • Renee

      Reply Reply February 2, 2012

      Hey Paulina!

      Thanks for your comment. I believe you are already well ahead on the path to being a feminine woman. I LOVE what you said about ‘when I allow my feeling to feel fear and pain suddenly after that I feel relax and feel more love deep inside’.

      I agree. In fact, feeling everything in life – the full spectrum of emotions, has only enriched my experience and helped cleanse me of not pain, but suffering.

      • candle

        Reply Reply April 9, 2013

        Thank u Renee and Paulina.. I m in this same situation where a girl loves me alot but I, being a passionate person, is not able to reciprocate him back as I dont have any feelings for him at even the remotest corner of my heart.. I m just friends with him but I know he is very much in love with me.. He is tall dark and very rich.. I just cant allow myself this misery of fake relationship which will be a lie from my side even when the guy is honest.!! I m doctor, 27yrs and from India..where as such females tend to get married at an early age.. I was all this while pondering over the same question and I really feared pain… But after reading this article which i chanced upon incidently.. I have made up my mind and am crystal clear abt the idea.!! I m ready for love and pain..these things wont deter me any more
        thank u both of u..

        • candle

          Reply Reply April 10, 2013

          oops..!! the first line is abt the guy.***
          typos…

  • John

    Reply Reply February 20, 2013

    And when he realized that you didn’t love him as much as he loved you all these years and that he’s been used by you, what does he do then? Cheat on you.

  • PM

    Reply Reply March 24, 2013

    Yeah I think that’s the wrong assumption that if you had picked a man who loved you more than you would have “ended up growing into love with him”. In that situation it might have been YOU that ran off and cheated on him. That’s what happens, see.

    People grow apart over time, even if the relationship started out on solid footing in the beginning. As people age their wants and maybe even needs changed based on life experience. When you roll the dice, sometimes you lose.

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