Is it Wise to Pick A Man Who Loves You More Than You Love Him?

Is it Wise to Pick A Man Who Loves You More Than You Love Him?

Is it wise to choose a man who is more in love with you than you are with him?

On a primal level, it benefits women to pick a man who is far more in love with her than she is with him, because that FEELS like he will stick around, and so we (and our babies) can have all his resources.

However, this is the exact thing many men hate about a relationship, and commitment to a woman. Research shows that men fall in love faster, and way harder than women do. And, research done by the well respected Anthropologist Helen Fisher, also shows that MEN are far more idealistic about love and relationships than women are. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man”)

Are you surprised?

Research shows, also, that women on the other hand, are more pragmatic: “hm….is he willing to give me marriage and babies?” “is he the tallest and smartest one I can get?” “is he rich enough to get us through the 18 years of all our children’s lives?” “Is he the richest one I’ve got on my contact list?” “Is he willing to spend money on me?” “I’m in love with another man, but he is nuts and doesn’t stick around. A safer bet would be to go with the ‘cute’ one who will stick around.”

“I’m not as passionate about him as I am about Daniel, but at least he’ll stick around.”

The problem is, this makes men feel like crap. It breaks hearts, it makes them never want to commit to another woman again. If I could count the number of times I’ve heard stories about men who fell in love, and it was their first love, and they were willing to give her everything, and they DID….but then, after 5 years of marriage, they find out that she’s run off an gotten pregnant to the bad boy, I would at least be half-rich. If you’re interested to see this for yourself, start with this discussion page here.

Men need to fall in love from an evolutionary perspective, because it encourages them to shell out their resources to just one woman for the long term. If they are not in love, they are not likely at all to shell out any resources. They have sex with the women and then leave.

But if he is in love, he shells out more than just dinner and a movie. A little bit of money is easy to shell out. But falling in LOVE makes men shell out a bunch of other resources that normally feel unnatural to him – emotional resources. For a number of years.

At least the children will have a caring and involved daddy. Good for wife, and good for children.

When I was 18, my mother and her friends told me to pick a man that loves me more than I love him. I scrunched my nose up. Something didn’t feel right to me, hearing that. It felt selfish. It felt so guarded and such a miserable way to live. (Click here to download your “Goddess Report”)

Many years later, if you were to ask me: is it wise to pick a man who loves you more than you love him?

Well, my answer is, yes, and no.

Yes, if you treat relationships as a transaction. (“what is this man worth to me? What can he GIVE me?” “is he willing to have a long term relationship with me?”) Hey, many women do this.

No, if you want to live a blissfully happy, passionate and fulfilling life, where other people look at your relationship and envy you.

I choose the No.

You might be wondering why I give that reason for the ‘no’ answer.

My answer is because: it is only through YOUR emotional vulnerability to a man that YOU get to feel the full pleasure and bliss of what an intimate relationship has to offer: magnifying your emotions. And it is this way that HE gets to feel great with you too.

It can’t work long term unless you both have INTENSE emotions towards each other. After all, that’s the purpose of intimate relationship: to magnify our emotions, and make life more delicious. (read an article about how to get him to propose)

Being completely vulnerable to a man, being completely in love, actually give YOU incredible pleasure, and provided he is also in love with you, you both get to grow together and develop a loving, beautiful, lasting and passionate relationship.

When you are choosing a man completely pragmatically, or logically, and not because you are truly in love – and not because you just want a RELATIONSHIP for the sake of a relationship – it’s you who eventually suffers. We don’t live only 15-30 years anymore, like our ancestors. Back then, the strategy of picking a man who loves you more than you love him worked. It got the species procreating, it allowed you access to resources that helped you and your babies live.

But, here’s the problem: We live some 60-120 years now! Now, it’s not the transaction, and what we can GET from a man that makes us giddy and happy in our relationship. Now, we want happiness. Transactions between a man and a woman aren’t designed for happiness.

We are evolving beyond this transaction thing now. At least that’s the way I would like to see the world moving. And that’s what I believe in.

To be happy in a relationship, you have to be vulnerable to a man. not logical about his WORTH to you. That takes courage, though. Because, with vulnerability also comes pain. I’m ok with that, aren’t you? Pain is a part of life. We try to avoid it like it’s the devil. Actually, it’s not: it’s a gift. Without allowing yourself to feel deep fear and pain, you cannot experience deep love and passion. (read my article about how to be submissive for love)

I suggest you value your long-term happiness, rather than what’s easy; and choose a man who you are obviously  in love with, and whom is also obviously in love with you. Of course, as a woman, you will always choose the best man, who has the better provider qualities, to be in a relationship with. There is nothing wrong with that, and that’s instinctive whether you like it or not. It’s there to help you.

The question is though:

why are you really choosing to commit to him long-term? Are you making the decision to commit to a man for the long term because he loves you more than you love him? And are you looking to just keep the man around, because if he loves you more, then he WILL stick around?

Because he won’t. Soon, he’ll be another male statistic that feels used by women.  He’ll get tired of desiring you more than you desire him. Being more invested in the relationship than you are. He’ll want something else.

I choose to say it is not wise, for your own long term happiness, to choose a man who is more in love with you than you are with him. I don’t want to make my values your values, too, though. So what do you think? Would you prefer to choose the man who is in love with you while you like him just ‘enough’ to be with him?

Click here to find out more about our popular program Understanding Men.





Comment navigation

  • broken

    Reply Reply February 11, 2015

    I’ve been in a predicament where I’m in love with an older guy,who doesn’t seem to love me back. It’s like game playing for him. He’s confusing most times. Saying he loves me yet acting otherwise. Whilst on the other hand, there’s a loving, kind, gentleman, who I can’t seem to love the way he deserves.(sad)

  • Alice

    Reply Reply November 30, 2014

    It should be a balance actually. A woman that loves a man too much is worst. It will only lead to beating up his new girlfriend, burning cars and getting yourself knocked up (lie about the baby being his). I have a boyfriend that seems to be a bit more into me than I am (I love this guy from the moon and back), but he seem to express it more than me. We have a healthy and great relationship. I smile every time he talks about our future and is exited about it. I can’t help smiling cause I feel so secure with him and is happy he loves me so much.

  • Big A

    Reply Reply July 23, 2014

    I am dating a man who loves me more than I love him. My parents, sibling and friends like him for me. He is very kind and patient with me. I like him, but I still long for the other guy whom I really love. I wanted to be with him, but he is in a different country and don’t have plans to visit me soon. He even told me that I would be crazy to wait for him.
    Do you think I should focus on this guy I am dating or go to the one I love and be with him?

  • Vana

    Reply Reply March 17, 2014

    Every relationship I have been involved in I fell in love much faster than the men did. And afterward the relationship was OVER!
    He didn’t feel that way about me.
    Except for the last one, I felt like he did love me but I was never sure. Yes I had feelings for him but then he developed feelings for another woman and MARRIED HER! And didn’t tell me he was dating someone else! He informed me on his honeymoon in an email that he got married.

    I am left very hurt. Perhaps I gave him too much space.

  • Anthony

    Reply Reply January 17, 2014

    The problem with you ladies being indecisive is just because uv not had sex with him just like uv always with the guys u all clam to be in love with and end up deicing u,I have discovered women tend not to have emotions for men they’ve not had sex with or intimacy with u can bet a guy who has not been intimate with u yet falling over hills for you without intimacy you are so so lucky let him in into your world but if u can’t steel let him in u end up settling for less. Cu’s sex bring bound both spiritual and physical that’s all u need to understand u all lack understanding.

  • M Dizzy

    Reply Reply July 23, 2013

    See, here’s the thing: men act like they want this situation. They seem to WANT you to be cold to them. As soon as you act caring, they leave. And this is from a “good girl,” so it’s not about anything physical. It don’t think it’s right; it’s dishonest for a woman to act this way and disrespectful (toward himself and the woman) for a man to disallow a woman to behave naturally in a relationship. It seems abusive to me. But this is an accepted cultural norm. Why?

    • Andy

      Reply Reply December 29, 2013

      Seriously….. Your obviously dating the wrong type of guys. A decent guy who has had experience (key word there) appreciates and values a genuine caring partner who loves him just as much back.

      You might be a ‘good girl’ but you can still make bad choices when it comes to who you date.

  • Mayra Vargas

    Reply Reply June 25, 2013

    Well I think its just gives u the upper hand in the relationship that’s why it would be wise but it should not be that way. I believe if u love a person u should not hide it and be yourself if its to much for the other person to handle it was just not meant to be and move on.

    • John

      Reply Reply July 11, 2013

      Why does anyone need the “upper hand” in the relationship?

      Do you realise the idea of a relationship is a partnership?

  • Giana

    Reply Reply May 11, 2013

    I think it is important to note that we do live in a world where arranged marriages are still quite common place in some societies. But, even among our upper classes I am certain many young women are still expected to marry someone who will be good husband material, a provider etc. And, many of these marriages do last a lifetime. Love isn’t simply an emotion that is felt, it is in the actions that we display to our significant other that speak volumes about how we truly feel.

    You can’t simply marry someone based on an emotion, there are other requirements that are needed to last the long haul, one of these is the commitment factor. How serious and committed are the individuals.

    I saw two posts from men in this thread. It is my personal opinion that many young men in america are just little boys. And, are completely lacking of the male back bone. Completely de-masculined if there is such a word and like a bunch of sissy boys. This does not refer to persons who are gay.

    • Anjali

      Reply Reply May 27, 2013

      Hello Giana,

      You are so right. Arranged marriages work because they are not based on emotions (in the begining at least) but on committement to start with. I am from Asia, so, I know this.

      Right now, there is a guy, rich certainly, who is head over heels in love with me, but I am not. I take him as a friend. The person whom I like(d), ditched me in the end. Age is running out and I need to decide soon. One can’t keep waiting endlessly ! There is no perfect guy and one needs to compromise on somewhere.
      Can’t keep the other guy hanging in there. I do like him, but not love him per se. He is so sincere, no malice towards anyone .. A real good guy just looking to settle down.
      I am on cross-roads.

      • Anjali

        Reply Reply May 27, 2013

        Forgot to add that I am going to 33 and single since a long time.. There have been men who have/had been interested in me, but I never gave them my time as I didn’t have any feeling for them..

        This guy knows that I am undecisive and is okay with giving me more time as we have known each other for an year now and have met only 5 times as we don’t live in the same country. We write and speak to each other regularly.

        • Chick

          Reply Reply October 27, 2013

          Hi Anjali
          I wonder what you have decided in the end with the guy head over heels with you, but you dont feel the same? I am in an exact boat with you. There were two guys. The guy I realised now that I like and may work, ditched me and now with someone else. Im indecisive too just like you and in a different country from the guy that is head over heels with me. I gave him a chance so now dating long distance. Like your guy, my guy just wants to settle down too. I like him, like you, but not as much as he does. Time is not on my side too. I am in my late 20s. So just wondering what have you decided? It would be interesting if we can share our thoughts.

        • Anthony

          Reply Reply January 17, 2014

          The problem with you ladies being indecisive is just because uv not had sex with him just like uv always with the guys u all clam to be in love with and end up deicing u I have discovered women tend not to have emotions for men they’ve not had sex with or intimacy with u can bet a guy who has not been intimate with u yet falling over hells for you without intimacy you are so so lucky let him in into your world but if u can’t steel let him in u end up setting for less. Cu’s sex bring bound both spiritual and physical that all u need to understand u all lack understanding.

  • Adele

    Reply Reply May 9, 2013

    I never wanted to be with a man who loved me more, but right now I have a man in my life who is so stoic, so unemotional, so extremely masculine, that I don’t know if he loves me at all. It is way harder to do what this article says. I have this man in my life and I sometimes wish for a man that was more demonstrative, more relationship-oriented. I hate that my heart is in this. I feel so powerless and weak. I can see why a woman would choose a man who loves her more. I am so tired of living in fear that he will leave. I wonder why he came after me in the first place. And I even wonder why he is sticking around and for how long. It would be a relief to have a sensitive man now. I don’t know.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply May 11, 2013

      Hey Adele,

      Thank you for sharing so honestly and vulnerably.

      Have you expressed recently to him honestly and vulnerably as you have here – that you fear being abandoned?

      • Adele

        Reply Reply May 12, 2013

        Hello Renee,
        I have said I’m afraid that he will leave me and that I felt insecure. But not as openly expressive as I wrote on here. Not as vulnerably. He said once that I wasn’t vulnerable. And even said that I wasn’t innocent. Yes, I’ve been hurt, and have had my guard up for a while. I finally told him why, that my ex betrayed me in an extremely humiliating way (think Kim Kardashian and Ray J). Maybe he finally understands that even though I love him, its hard for me to express my feelings, and I always seem to doubt his intentions.

        • Renee Wade

          Reply Reply May 12, 2013

          Hi Adele,

          I know how hard it is. It’s easy to doubt a different species’ intent. :) It takes time, and that’s ok…sometimes just being conscious of your own fearful pattern and doing everything you can to break that pattern (walk in the opposite direction, do jumping jacket…whatever it takes).

          He has said that you’re not vulnerable…a clue maybe? :) he needs that from you, but I know that as a woman we also feel that a man needs to earn that.

          Sometimes though…we just have to bite the bullet and lead with our own vulnerability. xoxox you take care!

  • John

    Reply Reply April 28, 2013

    This is a very interesting and thought provoking site. This article begs the question, what do women (and men) mean when they say they are “in love”? I have a friend who was being told by his now ex wife for months that she “loved” him right up to the point that he found her bonking her ex while he was minding the children. Is “I love you” an emotional open check, able to be later interpretted to mean whatever anyone wishes? “You said you loved me: therefore …..”. Is it linguistic laziness: What’s wrong with being specific and saying, as appropriate: “When I see your smile I overflow with happiness” or “When I look at you, I see the trusting and vulnerable child inside you and want to nurture her” or to quote the Navi “I see YOU”. When people (other than my mate’s ex) use it they often seem to be making a prognosis of unalterable feeling rather than expressing how they feel. For anyone who is not incredibly naive to the fickleness of feelings to make such a prognosis seems at best misleading. The meaning is so loose and the term so debased that they might even be offering a contract of transactions rather than being truly honest about their inner state, as hinted in this article. If a person’s promise of evergreen love and nurturing could be easily liquidated, halved and invested in the bank for the ex’s future enjoyment after separation, then how much more seriously might people take the declaration “I love you”?

    • Madeline

      Reply Reply July 11, 2013

      My sentiments exactly. Women get carried away with all this “soul mate” and “love” stuff. I’m happily married but never calculated who “loved” more etc. We are very compatible, happy and there is a real sense of equality and mutual admiration and respect. Lots of women chase some flimsy, whimsical idea of “love” but they don’t even know what it means.

      • M Dizzy

        Reply Reply July 23, 2013

        I think you should thank God for your relationship. You’re very blessed. I would say most women chase what you take for granted.

  • John

    Reply Reply February 19, 2013

    Great post. Extremely refreshing to hear this sort of sense spoken out loud. :)

  • jane

    Reply Reply February 14, 2013

    From my experience, I have been through hardship for a while, when I was little i recognized that my mother had chosen a man she loved more than herself, he was a narcissist and she was codependent. You see the men who are good with their tongues, those who can seduce a woman and play games with her heart, most of the time are the most insecure and those who want to destroy the confident caring woman because they know she is better than then….And by this i mean MORALLY, i connect religion to all of this because i realized I kept falling for narcissist, but I always refused the abuse because i had seen my mom suffer since she loved him more than herself. her compassion was so great she wanted to save him, because she knew his ego was trying to take over him….. The truth is women around the world try to save these men they feel a need to rescue them and that makes them love them. however it is no woman’s responsibility to do such things. these men need to find their way on their own, they have to be responsible for their actions, because form the time they were children they were taught that they could get away with anything, which is why many get away with breaking a woman’s heart. We need to learn as women that we will not let them get away with playing with our hearts.. So I say NO it is not wise to love a man that loves you more than they love you, because many men out there are irresponsible and we need to let them know that they cannot abuse us or confuse us…. In the bible eve fell for the lies of a snake, men that we start idolizing more than ourselves are just like that snake trying to seduce us into taking the road of lust which are those butterflies we feel is love…. but that is not love, Love is letting the men find their own way, not giving in into their demands, and loving ourselves a little more than we love them… Loving them the way we would love our children by teaching them right form wrong and disciplining them to understand that in life in every aspect there are boundaries that they should not cross… Because when a man really loves you, he might not be good with words, but he shows you compassion and shows you respect, and many women fall for the snake who if many of you have not noticed, always find it fun to mess with your head, they think it’s a game and they feel powerful and happy that they can cause us to go crazy… they will always control the dumb women with lust… so when you think of true love… think of the love you would have for a son… do not spoil them to the point they become irresponsible… love responsibly and always choose a man who loves you more, because that is how your children will grow up to see the compassion that both men and women have for one another… there is no other way to fix this world and fight against that snake….

    • Pete

      Reply Reply May 7, 2013

      Couldn’t have put it better myself. It’s a shame more women don’t realise this, much to their detriment.

    • Anjali

      Reply Reply May 27, 2013

      So, I should probably go for the above mentioned man? He respects me, worships the ground on which I walk, though I just ‘like’ him as a friend. Love manifests itself over the years through complicity, etc. or so, I have heard…

Comment navigation

Leave A Response

* Denotes Required Field