Article updated 2018

What’s more scary than being with a man who suddenly disappears when you are hurting badly over something in your life?

This lady named Sarah left this question on the blog in the comments section:

“Renee, I love your articles they always make so much sense! I have a problem with my boyfriend. Ive known him for three years, and he is a very rough around the edges, ‘tough love’ kind of guy. He seems to be caring and loving and calling a lot mostly when things are good.

But as soon as I am going through a very difficult time and need him the most to be my rock, he pulls away and disappears? WTF? He knows this upsets me because I’ve expressed it, but there’s always some excuse.

Right now I am going through a very difficult time because something happened with a family member, and right on cue, he pulls away. For the last 3-4 days he hasn’t called to check up or see how I am doing, He just texts me one word “morning”, and that’s it.

This time I am not even going to ask him why. I am over feeling this way, I want a man who is emotionally mature to be there for his woman, especially when he claims he loves her soooooooooooooo much, like he says he does. Your articles are true for the most part, and we need to have compassion for men, but sometimes they really are just selfish douchebags…and we need to be strong enough and trust our intuition when we know something really isn’t right, and stop making excuses for them…especially if you’ve noticed a pattern.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MY ANSWER

Hi Sarah…

Thanks for your wonderful comment.

I know that feeling when your stomach churns and sinks inside when you feel the most vulnerable, and the man who claims to love you is just not there. I’ve been there many times in my past relationship before I got married.

(Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

There’s two parts to this problem you find yourself facing.

1) You feel you shouldn’t stay with him because you’ve noticed a pattern – a pattern of perceived abandonment.

2) The fact that he pulls away when you need him, which I have a very good explanation for, but also another message.

I am not a man. However, there’s a small message I have for you, and it’s a message of hope and a possible reason behind your man pulling away.

A lot of men feel the pull to isolate themselves during a crisis in their own life. I know you’ve noticed this on some level, behind your fear about your situation. This tendency that masculine men have is not like women, who have a tendency to want to group together with a trusted female friend or several female friends, to connect deeper in order to get through tough times. Many women (unless they are perhaps more masculine in their hormonal make up), THRIVE on this connection to get through.

This actually helps them. Very much. We tend to enjoy and feel a drive to seek out social support during tough times. Whether we actually do reach out for the support or not, we have an overall tendency to do that.

Just because we have a tendency to do this, doesn’t mean that we always do this, sometimes we want to isolate ourselves. But usually this is because of some sort of fear – I’ve seen many women actually take this isolation approach also, but it is to avoid letting people judge you in bad times.

Again, I am not a man, but I have a vague idea that for a man, this kind of connection that females thrive on during relational crises or problems, actually TAKES value from him in his attempt to get through the tough times. In other words, feeling empty of connection with others is a helpful thing for males. That’s the way their masculinity is served.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually?)

It’s an approach that is not so healing for females. Though it seems to be more common these days because we live in a world where so many of us have got the idea that in order to be loved we have to ‘be someone’ in this world. And so we develop many patterns that separate us from others, even being women!

So if you have a close friend to go to or a very trustworthy and supportive group of friends to go to, all the better, and how wonderful! But not every woman has this pattern of behaving.

So, while females may not go to other people for connection and support and a chin wag during tough relationship issues with family because of FEAR – men don’t go to others in relationship crisis simply because it doesn’t serve their masculinity.

(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)

But WHY can’t he be there for YOU?

Do you wonder why though, that he can’t still be there for you even if he wouldn’t want extra communication and relational support from you during a familial crisis?

Here’s the basic answer….

We Human beings in general, not just men alone, do a thing called ‘projected empathy’ – a habit we all make when we are too far up our own butts. It is the habit of assuming that you ‘get’ the other person and you ‘get’ what they are feeling. Men and women do it a lot to each other, with deathly consequences – like unnecessary break ups and loss of respect from each other.

This tends to lead us humans to GIVE what we THINK is value to that other person based on our own subjective unconfirmed idea of what the OTHER person is going through.

Your man appears to possibly be doing this. He may not be. But he also may be.

But because he is a rough around the edges male, there is a very high likelihood that he is doing this.

I remember once my husband (whom loves his father very much) was concerned about his father’s well-being and hadn’t heard from him for days. Right on cue, he went silent for many hours, and I was like ‘WTF!’, exactly like YOU. It hurt, but I was able to get through by attempting to just BE with his pain, his emptiness.

Sometimes, men do the weirdest things. They go silent when you’re the most in pain. It’s quite the conundrum.

But Life is no Straight Line

Now, life is no straight line…of course, I believe there are many women who go silent in crisis. Just like there are many men who do. But I am giving you my answer based on my own observations and what I believe I have learned of the male species.

It just appears to be the case that females have a TENDENCY to want MORE connection, talk and communion during a family crisis or work problem, or an other relational upset, whereas men do a Houdini or it seems like the cat got their tongue.

At the end of the day though, your choice to stay with him or not would be only yours.

If it turns out that overall, that you believe you wouldn’t be breaking up with him for the SOLE reason of running away from your fears – and you don’t serve the others by being together, then you can comfortably break up with him and open yourself to another man.

If you identify his ‘pattern’, and yet, you know inside, that you would be leaving him or threatening him to leave him out of your own tense fear, anger and frustration, then you could be throwing away a beautiful future with a strong, capable man who has good intent with you.

It’s up to you. Most people’s relationships don’t work out, and that’s because we make too many decisions from fear, constantly. I talk more about this in my article Is it Wise to Pick a Man Who Loves You More than You Love Him?

He could also feel afraid of the way you are Expressing your Need for Him to be there

Sometimes, though, men just don’t feel compelled to be there. I know you’ve expressed to him your need for him, but as women of this day and age, we usually do this in a way that repels men. Without even meaning to.

In your case, he might pull away on cue because he doesn’t feel like a man with the way you’re asking for him to be there, so what’s the point in being there? Men usually only commit deeper when they feel more like a man for doing so – otherwise, the relationship only takes value from them.

So the key is to understand how to ask a man indirectly to be there for you in a way that inspires him to feel more like a man. David and I help you to do that in the members’ Area of our program Understanding Men.

(Click here to go find out more about this program)

How much do you REALLY care about each other?

Sometimes men are completely and utterly all about themselves and they simply only want you for the physical intimacy and random excitement and fun. But that doesn’t mean you’ve been taken advantage of, it just means you were hoping for more commitment from the wrong man for you.

Or it means that you were too scared to do more to attract him deeper into a relationship with you.

And regardless of how you see it, he’s not the asshole, because for him to want to only take value from you and not commit to you, you also had a pattern that encouraged that behaviour in him.

In the end, to truly care about each other takes time, and it takes both of you developing more and more courage – it is not easy being in a man/woman relationship. They aren’t fair, and they never will be fair.

Click here to know how to stay high value when he pulls away

If you like the idea of fair, then you can contemplate the idea of having an intimate relationship with another woman. Some people do this because it’s easier to relate to another female than it is to relate to a male..it’s less scary, perhaps!

So, if you really love this man and you really have to courage to go deeper and care just a little bit beyond your own edge, do so. You won’t lose. Because the more open you are to pain and uncertainty, you’ll only become more for your next man, and the next man will go deeper with you because you’ve developed that depth through mastering a thing called Emotional Courage. 🙂 I hope that helped!

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

Thanks for reading. Write me a letter back sharing your feelings about this. I’d love to hear from you.

renee-wade

P.S. Connect with me on social media.

Related Articles

Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal With It As A High Value Woman

Why He Pulls Away when you spend time Together & How to Deal with it

How to Deal with Fear of being Alone and Him Leaving You?

The One Perfect Thing to Say When a Man Says He Needs “Space”

Click here to know how to stay high value when we pulls away

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Vicki elam
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Vicki elam

Renee, u have hit the nail on the bead. He is going thru grief over his father Bri g sick I try to comfort him in an indirect way but it seems to me that I remind of it the more I am concerned. What n how do i let him process this himself n still b comforting w out hovering?

Vicki elam
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Vicki elam

I have been w Foster 17 yrs. He proclaims his love daily. I love him to the moon n back n he claims the same. Thru life’s personal problems n not relationship issues we have been to hell n back!! We have made it thru it all n come out stronger for it. I no this will pass I just feel that he sees me as a fragile piece of glass n scared to touch me cuz he would add to my physical pan. I lov ur blogs n read them all. ThAnk u for helping me understand. I see… Read more »

Talia
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Talia

I have a question… what about if you’re communicating via text and voice messages and the man you’re talking to tells you “he feels bad” and that he can’t talk more because “he feels bad” and that we need to meet in person and figure it out?

Thorough Beauti
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Thorough Beauti

This doesnt make sense blah blah blah blah blahhh! Excuse after weak ass excuse! I read through the bull save it!

Tasha
Guest
Tasha

I agree with LC – I had a very similar situation. I believe someone that really loves you will find a way to be there for you. Maybe not in the cookie cutter, cliche’ way but in there own way.. If your connection is truly deep, you will know they are giving affection they way they know how. To go completely MIA is unacceptable to me, especially when you have done nothing but be there for them at their lowest points. Yes, men think differently and handle things differently, but it doesn’t exempt them from the ability to be a… Read more »

Paula
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Paula

Dear Renee, I am sorry to say it but I should be honest: You talk but you’re not going anywhere. So basically you’re telling we women are wrong expecting our partners to be supportive in times we need? Women are most emotionally needed than men and if we’re not satisfied with this reality we should go for a relationship with other woman? What’s gonna happen if, for each woman who’s passing trough this case, we simply give them the only alternative to have homosexual relationship due to the fact men has a certain kind of nature which can’t be changed?… Read more »

Renee Wade
Guest

Hi Paula, ^ here is what I’m talking about (above). You should check it out.

MissingRegretsy
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MissingRegretsy

Because he is a douchebag. The line about a guy not being an asshole because he only wanted to use you for fun is a real treasure. Pure drivel.

Mike
Guest
Mike

I’m a guy, so you can probably guess that kt’s my femzld partner who’s isolating herself. We’vw been together for 8 months and about a week ago she just got.. standoffish. I’ve constantly told her I’d be there for her and that if she needs to talk I’d listen, but all she says is sure and okay. I was at a ckmplete loss as to what to do but after reading this article your pojnts about emotional courage really resonated with me amd I think that’s what’s happening with her. Her last boyfriend was never the understanding type, and was… Read more »

Angela
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Angela

Hmm or maybe she’s just not that into you

Valerie solanas
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Valerie solanas

So if a man uses me its my fault? And expecting a fair relationship is for lesbians? Nice. When are you free?

Tasha
Guest
Tasha

hahah, right? im with you there.

Samish
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Samish

Hy.. I m having a relation of about 2 years nd I think sometimes that my guy loves me and sometimes I feel he doesn’t .. He accepts me in front of his family friends and everyone.. He makes me feel good once in a month and hurts me often.. I want him to call me and say me good morning and goodnite nd some days I want him to talk to me a share his problems but he never does .. He never pics up my call like he used to.. Mostly he ignores my call… And I feel… Read more »

Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
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Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

Samish I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Have you resolved the issues / what happened?

Wendy
Guest
Wendy

I seem to be facing these problems. We become love sick fools. Thank you for sharing this. Wish this was told to us by our parents or maybe church.

Sarah Mello
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Sarah Mello

Hi Renee I read this latest article about being with a man for more then six months and maybe you can help. I don’t know if I am desperate or not but I have been together with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and there will be a pattern when he we’ll be with me like a regular couple and then he would be so focus on work or school or both that he would barely even text me. Many times I have given him chances and kept asking if this is going to work and pretty much everytime I… Read more »

Dammy
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Dammy

hi….pls I need ur reply. I’m 4months pregnant for my boyfriend n it hasn’t been easy cos we both students. For sometime naw we’ve been doing it together n suddenly I hear a gal is also expecting a baby for him n BCs I asked him about it he has nt called me for 2days naw. I sent him a text asking y he s bin pulling away only for him to write ds bak……..You just feel, your stake is always right always, listen up dear, its not all about you. d oda gal also needs attention, I need to… Read more »

N.
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N.

Hello, I dont know where to post this, but Renee, do you have any posts that talk about being in a long distance relationship? Ever since he moved, my bf doesnt give me as much attention as he used to, and im terribly frightened for the future of our relationship….thank you! (lovely site, btw)

N
Guest
N

Hello, I dont know where to post this, but Renee, do you have any posts that talk about being in a long distance relationship? Ever since he moved, my bf doesnt give me as much attention as he used to, and im terribly frightened for the future of our relationship….thank you! (lovely site, btw)

Amal Elzargi
Guest
Amal Elzargi

Wonderful, and just on time for me to read this post !!!
I have been go through the same experience myself.

kira
Guest
kira

Oh my gosh, I just had an epiphany. When a man and woman are having a tough time in a relationship. Like maybe they’re having financial difficulty. A mans natural reaction will be to distance himself but a woman on the otherhand will want company. By going to him she’s taking value from him because he needs to isolate himself. So when both of them are hurting it can be hard because of this difference. I suppose this is why women need friends. It’s not that the man is purposely trying to ignore you he’s just trying to heal himself… Read more »

Joan
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Joan

I believe you are absolutely right about this kira. It really makes the relationship tough going. It was only up till a few months ago from reading this site that I learned that my man’s inability to open up was not him trying to take a power trip or whatever. I was doing what I felt was reasonable in my own mind and he took it as me challenging him and actually emasculating him and our fights were terrible. I believe for a lot of women what we have to do really is understand this. Now my last husband needed… Read more »

Anna C
Guest
Anna C

Hey Kira, I had to respond because I’ve dealt with this situation firsthand… yes I believe you are basically right. The way I handled it was a combination of understanding why he feels that way (he feels inadequate) and therefore seeing how his responses stem from that (him being cold, snappy, maybe resentful, taking things out on you), giving him some space, and when you feel there is too much space & its hurting the relationship, pulling him in by using high value vulnerability (Renee talks about it in her programs). It’s hard, I know. I still deal with this… Read more »

Joan
Guest
Joan

In my experience, men open up once they realize they are understood and accepted. There is so much to be learned here on this site. I have been trying them and so far so good. Understand him where he is at right now with you. One positive thing, he sends a good morning message every morning. This is not exactly reaching out, but to me it is a sign of deep love. That rough around the edges demeanor is usually from his upbringing, I think. He may be uncomfortable around feelings. I’m sorry if the problem you are talking about… Read more »

kira
Guest
kira

My man used to do this. Edge away when the going got tough. Until he realized I actually wanted him there when something went wrong. I don’t know but I switched my focus away from him and what I thought he should be doing in certain situation to simply focusing on my own hurts and letting him react in whatever matter he wanted. Now when I’m hurt about something and he knows about it, he’s there.

Anna
Guest
Anna

Kira, I think this is perfect & I do it too.

Larissa
Guest
Larissa

I am not sure may be something is wrong with me but I never expected an emotional support from men. Actually I wasn’t looking for it and never got it of course, because i dont need… i feel that it is my territory and I should deal with it myself. I am happy to have physical help from men in tough times, they seem to enjoy giving it , especially if there is no emotional burden goes within. That’s what I really appreciate – help and support in real world, action that only men can do in certain circumstances ,… Read more »

kira
Guest
kira

I think we get too caught up with what should and shouldn’t be that we forget why it even bothered us in the first place. And instead of simply expressing that, we play the blame game with everyone for not meeting our standards. I used to have this list of things that I used to judge whether some one was or wasn’t a good friend/partner and whether or not they cared. Of course that wasn’t fair to them because everyone is different. Now, I base it off how I feel and make decisions accordingly.

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