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Article updated 2018

Our intention to stay connected to a man in an argument is worth gold.

Our intention to hold on to resentment and the need to be right in an argument is worth nothing.

Anyone of us can live our lives from the place of needing to be right. And many of us do. It is a terribly mediocre existence, though, because it is never ending – so the pattern of needing to be right will continue as long as you exhaust yourself trying to be right. It is a doomed cycle and it is the path you need to take if you prefer to be an underachiever.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I?”)

Now to communicating with an angry man.

If he is severely abusive, and you are in enough pain from it, then you need to get out of there and be alone for a while to reflect on the patterns that you both run that causes the severe abuse between you two.

IF however, your man is an otherwise good human being, but he gets angry easily, then it is very fixable for you.

You are a woman, and that means you have a lot of value to add to his life by nature. It is just getting back to that real nature of yourself that can be scary and risky.

Why are men so angry?

Why are men so angry?

To no fault of their own, and to no fault of women, men get angry at women because they perceive what is happening in the relationship to be a threat to their need for (the feeling of) freedom. And freedom is not going out with his mates without you hassling him. That may be one aspect of it, but that’s a very superficial gift of freedom we can give if we want to.

The really valuable gifts of freedom run a lot deeper than that.

As you may already know, the masculine energy in all of us seeks freedom. Men who are masculine inside seek it a lot; not when they are in their feminine; but moreso when they are in their masculine.

The best men from a woman’s perspective are the men who know that they already ARE freedom, and don’t need to ‘seek’ it out, constantly.

The reason we like men to exist as freedom rather than act like everything feels like a constraint to him is because it doesn’t take Einstein to know that once you think you’ve gained freedom, something happens. Life happens, and the perceived freedom is taken away. The freedom that needs to be sought out all the time is short lived. For example…

A man finally has an opportunity to feel empty, and the kids come asking for him to play.

He finally feels empty and free, and his woman gets pissy because he’s not hanging out with her.

He finally feels empty, and his mother needs help with something.

He finally has no-one asking for his attention, and the boss goes on acting like a dick.

So the only real thing to do is BE freedom, and live as untouchable freedom. For a man.

(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)

What you must choose to understand about men to communicate well with them…

Again, the heart of men’s anger is that they feel trapped somehow. So we need to look for what might be trapping him if we care about him. If we don’t, that’s fine, but if you are a caring type of woman, then you could try to read further.

A relationship, for men, is often felt as a responsibility or a burden, simply because in their masculine energy state, they want perfect freedom from ‘stuff’ and things happening. They want emptiness and focus, or to feel the emotions of freedom – for example, watching a football game (*rolling my eyes playfully*).

Essentially, WE inspire and invite men in for longer and for a lifetime, or we don’t.

But women are the reason men ever are even attracted to the idea of being in a deep, passionate relationship.

It is a woman’s inherent high value from a man’s perspective.

The higher our value from a man’s view, the more likely she will attract a man who wants to devote himself to her and the relationship.

This is the value that you have already within you. It’s just whether you choose to use it or not.

Feminine women seek perfect love – lots of attention, praise, reassurance, and communication, and praise and reassurance and communication. Sounds a bit needy doesn’t it? If it does, you’re on the way to understanding things from a man’s perspective.

But it’s not needy if we ask for these things in a way that adds value, which is very easy to do. Find out more about doing that, click here to register and watch our Commitment Masterclass for free.

So if they are so angry about the loss of freedom, why are they with us?

Usually, if a man chooses to stay with you, it could be because your energy is right for him, or because the value of being with you outweighs the costs to his freedom.

Maybe because a woman gives him life.

But none of this means he is always going to find us a wonderful thing to have around. A lot of the time, he will feel like we are annoying, frustrating, crazy, or unfathomable.

It’s actually not about you….he might even love you, but the general feeling is that women need a lot of attention. And men don’t always have that much attention. Most of them don’t even understand after 50 years of marriage, that their wife actually values his undivided attention. That’s how clueless they can be. And of course, that also shows how much women aren’t willing to communicate directly – instead, doing all sorts of odd things to try to command a man’s attention.

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

What can we do to get closer to a man even when he is angry and fighting?

Here are my steps to getting closer to a man and having him want to be with you more and more.

1) Just breathe into your pelvis deeply, and relax into your body. In this place, you are out of your anxiety and out of your head, which is useless for connecting with a man. It’s useful for intelligent conversations, but not for connecting with a man.

Remember that our skill and desire to connect with a man is high value in today’s world. And more importantly for you – your desire to actually connect – which brings inherent risks because you’re surrendering to deeper involvement and surrendering to something uncertain – it’s going to get you actual commitment.

Commitment doesn’t happen unless we surrender to truly connecting, and commit to noticing our real ears of connecting.

So, TRY to get the feeling in your gut and body that you want to connect with HIM.

So that means, realizing that when we feel like using him as a scratching post, a sound-board, or an easy target for blame, we must stop and choose connection.

CONNECTION, not comfort and release from your fears of connecting with him. Make that choice. You’ll be very courageous for doing so.

2) Respect his anger, give his anger as much respect as you do your own. His anger is often just as real as yours. It may not always be valid, and he may not always so called have a ‘right’ to be angry with you, but it is still his feeling. And I believe feelings deserve space and respect.

Give him space to be angry. Ask him why he is angry. If he says ‘why do YOU care?!’ or ‘You don’t want to know!’ or ‘I don’t trust you.’, stick to your willingness to give him space for his anger whilst you somehow try to stay present and listen (it’s very hard, but the pride and confidence we feel for doing it afterwards is worth far more).

I know you want to be understood too. You will have your time. If you are so angry and hurt that you find you can’t be present with his feelings – you won’t be the first woman. You’re not alone. In many relationships, the woman’s feelings naturally take precedent because we can be so over-powering with our emotions.

But how can you ever have your man want to try to understand you unless you try to breathe and relax in to giving him space to be listened to first some of the time? Or what if you don’t lead the way and be a living example, first? People are the average of the 5 people they spend the most time with…so be the encouragement of gentle understanding through your own example.

So if you are compassionate, loving, and courageous, he will learn to trust you and over time, he will approach you in a more relaxed way, too, because that’s what people do for us when we give them so much understanding, and when we have so much respect for the world they live in.

3) Trust courage, not defensiveness when he tells you what he’s angry about. It’s about meeting him on his level.

Say something like ‘yeah, I’d feel that way too, if I was you.’

It is potentially utter freedom, to have a woman willing to put herself in your position, as a man.

4) If it all turns to shit, you have done a good job today. You always do a good job, because your intentions are pure and you don’t intend to hurt anyone.

It’s ok if the argument escalates, and you both get caught up in your lizard brain reactions and nobody is feeling loved and understood by anybody, because you already have what it takes to change that at the next appropriate time.

You are doing okay. It’s okay to forgive yourself. It is not your fault. The fact that you care about your man (or just generally are conscientious enough to care) about your relationship is enough.

By the way, our program Understanding Men gives you a comprehensive answer to many of your questions about men.

Click here to read more about our Understanding Men program.

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

What has it been like for you, dealing with an angry man? Share your experience with me below this article.

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P.S. Connect with me on social media

 

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LaceyAngelicaSheridan McGaffeeShoshannah WebbNicole zzz Recent comment authors
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Lacey
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Lacey

Thank you. We’ve been fighting since Monday. It escalated today when I tried to make him talk to me by showing up at his house. I had good intentions, I wanted to mend things and be happy again. It blew up in my face and he wouldn’t let me in or actually speak to me. I left crying. We love each other so much. I hope that by suffering through it and really giving him the space he needs things will get better. I just wish I knew how long it’s going to take. I know I’m impatient when I… Read more »

Sheridan McGaffee
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Sheridan McGaffee

I’m a little late to the discussion – but thank you for that article. As the man you may be speaking about, a lot of that rings true. At risk of criticism, I never thought I’d find any sort of solace on a feminist site. After close to a year of dating, I’m 30 and she’s 22, we have recently been fighting a lot. We met through work. We got along great at first and I think part of that was her 1 year old son and I seemed to bond very quickly. She’s a great mother, and her insanely… Read more »

Angelica
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Angelica

I’ve noticed this a little bit with men in their thirties (or forties) dating a woman in her early twenties. She may seem very mature at first but the childish nature is always revealed. Take me for example, I’m currently 25, when I was 22 I dated a man who was 29 years old. I didn’t realize the extent of my immaturity until the relationship was over and I was older. The best thing for her is to have a dose of reality. Seems like there are a lot of people in her life willing to enable her from being… Read more »

Shoshannah Webb
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Shoshannah Webb

My partner and I are very happy – for most of the time. It is only in times of stress that he gets angry and tells me about how much I annoy him. Usually I am unaware of what I have done. Sometimes he says he dosen’t tell me when I have done something wrong as he was taught ‘if you can say something nice, then don’t say anything’. If only he would say, I could do something about it and try to stop it happening again. Sometimes he says he has told me about certain behaviour, but I won’t… Read more »

Nicole zzz
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Nicole zzz

Was this written by a child? He’s angry because his woman won’t let him have freedom with friends?

Melissa Thompson
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Melissa Thompson

Men get angry because it is the only emotion they are allowed to show (except for love to their partner and family). They are not allowed to cry, to be vulnerable, to be weak, they have to be strong and suck it up, so the only emotion that is seen as acceptable for males is anger. They express anger, when they feel frustrated, unheard or to manipulate. The best way to deal with it is to understand they feel strongly and they feel they cannot control it, so they need your help. I usually just cut to the chase and… Read more »

Ash
Guest
Ash

Marriage is nothing but getting used to the other person’s stuburness and ill treatment by ua partner ! Listening to phrases tat ur not supposed to, and at the same time not supposed to share things with anybody! So it’s a mental trauma ,,, try staying away from it,, make ua self happy and energetic! So there is nothing called good husband, it’s all our experience or karma which follows us for the deeds. What is this stupid marriage? It asks us to be in connection and dependence but ,does not too much dependence at the same time. The weirdest… Read more »

Alli Bastien
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Alli Bastien

That was very refreshing to read. Informative and showed balance for both sides. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months now, before that we were best friends for years. Watched each other go through a lot of heartache in other relationships but we were always there for each other. Now that we are dating he’s been completely different towards me. He’s very on and off but more so off. I know he’s not naturally an abusive man. He’s not physically abusive but the things he can say at times are very hurtful. Having experienced a few severely physically abusive… Read more »

Jim Johnson
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Jim Johnson

There are disagreements, then there are arguments (shouting, name calling) then there are fights (physical). The trick is to stop disagreements from becoming arguments. Arguments are where irrationality comes into play, some women thrive here because that is where the hamster wheel prevails. Bad idea. You are not changing opinions through argument, you are only solidifying their own opinion in their head, as you are doing the same in yours. If he walks out, let him. Most cases of domestic violence comes through long arguments where the guy tries to walk out, but she doesn’t let him. Fights typically end… Read more »

roza
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roza

He exploded after I asked a question about us and ran off very angry. I tried to reason. He started shouting. I said if you go like this then do not come back. He said, so that is how it is. Then I said stay then, stay here with me He said get out of my way, otherwise… I sent a few hurt messages by phone afterwards, no name calling or insulting. He answered in a short way. When I asked him why, he said another time. I said there will not be another time. I said in a another… Read more »

Fire Work
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Fire Work

“If he is severely abusive, and you are in enough pain from it, then you need to get out of there and be alone for a while to reflect on the patterns that you both run that causes the severe abuse between you two.” Wow. No. This is irresponsible advice. If you do not have enough experience in this field you should not be giving advice. It would appear as though you need to gain more life experience before commenting on abusive relationships. (Or, at the very least, educate yourself first and/or improve your writing skills.) I will give you… Read more »

Naomi
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Naomi

Lizard brain??

Elis
Guest
Elis

I’m just saying that’s not the basis of a healthy relationship. If a man just gets angry at having you around and finding you annoying just for being there and etc. then that is not a kind of thing you want to be into with someone. Also its a big generalisation not every woman is super clingy, I prefer my own space and have been told I can be very cold sometimes. I think that communication skills should be taught thats all. I also don’t think that women should be allowed to blow up and get angry without communicating the… Read more »

sandhya
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sandhya

hey
i got married around one n half year ago. my husb n i have arguments daily as whenever i try to express my feelings instead of understanding he gets mad over me. still i try to settle down bt he never calm down. whenever i try to cuddle with him, try to have fun with him, he gets irritated n shout on me. if i get upset or cry with these things he gets more angry. i am very frustrated. please help.

honey
Guest
honey

I m in a 5 yr relationshp these days we r fighting alot….. he gets irritated over me again again…… he says aaj kal tumse bt karne me hi irritation hoti h gussa aata h…… go talk to other boys whom u talk……. he hates when i doubt on him…… nd react…… i knows i love him alot….. nd i want him back lyk before….. he says during sex also u fight…. talk about ither grls i dont wanna have sex with u…. ?

Theresa Humphry
Guest
Theresa Humphry

39 years and I just can not do it anymore. I am raising an autistic grandson. He’s 3 now. I won’t have him grow up in an angry household. I try to keep the peace and not get angry back. But I have SOME pride left. I deserve to be happy for once in almost 40 years of a controlling husband who does what he wants but refuses to “allow” me to be myself. And I am a chrittan woman, don’t drink, do drugs, or cheat. House is clean, supper is cooked and bills are paid. No more of his… Read more »

Alyssa Timon
Guest
Alyssa Timon

A lot of the word choice in this is alarming from a feminist perspective. It seems to claim that women exist to give a man’s life meaning, comfort, etc. I think, after a man has abused you, you should let him know it is not okay, and if that means not talking to him or trying to soothe him, then that is okay. it’s not about being right, it’s about setting a boundary and respecting yourself; not letting yourself be abused.

Urban Clarity
Guest

This is the initial step to begin in a relationship, and could be the last. You must be the one of yourself always, and if you don’t want a part of your behaviour, then you need to admit it openly whenever it happens spontaneously, no matter how normal that may feel to you, or how huge impact he had experienced should be figured out through his expressions, you must be in a form of absolute acceptance and plead for forgiveness. This builds the relationship more stronger and healthier with trust. Counselling at Perth

Sarah
Guest

I feel like my relationship has been like this for almost ten years straight. I have two kids, one is his and mine together, the other is not. He literally has not communicated with me during this entire time. I’m pretty sure this stems from childhood issues with his dad. His dad has LOTS of money. I have a car, but the house and TVs and furniture, none of it is mine or in my name. I’ve been a stay at home mom for pretty much like 12 years. I work very hard though and my life is my kids.… Read more »

AshBenson
Guest
AshBenson

Great article. It’s a cliché but good communication is the key to a long-lasting, happy relationship. Quite often a small misunderstanding can needlessly turn into a big argument. When most of the time you can avoid things escalating with simple communication. I highly recommend reading Obsession Phrases by Kelsey Diamond. It’s crazy how changing little things can make such a big difference.

Although men are wired differently, we all speak the same language. When you’re both on the same wavelength, it’s a beautiful thing.

Sur
Guest
Sur

What if the friendship/ relationship a one way street? I do all the correspondence. One moment he is upbeat the other moment I am non existent for days turning to weeks. I deservecway better .we can’t be all nice nice and let men take advantage of us being so patient. Don’t forget their r lots of narcs in this world who d love our submissive behavior towards them and inturn abuse us !! . I don’t have time for this. A man needs to understand his woman too ! The author has only added more pride to the already arrogant… Read more »

AshBenson
Guest
AshBenson

Great article. It’s a cliché but good communication is the key to a long-lasting, happy relationship. Quite often a small misunderstanding can needlessly turn into a big argument. When most of the time you can avoid things escalating with simple communication. I highly recommend What Men Secretly Want’ by James Bauer It’s a fantastic read.

Although men are wired differently, we all speak the same language. When you’re both on the same wavelength, it’s a beautiful thing.

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