The Secret Cost for Women When They Have Casual Sex (PART 1)

One cold winter morning, Felesha Fox came running alongside her friend, Frances Fox. “Hahahah, look at all these male foxes chasing after me, Frances! There’s about 10 of them!” Frances, looking a little embarrassed and scared, turned around to see 10 male foxes or more, chasing her friend Felesha Fox.

“Why don’t you have even one dashing lad chasing you down, like me?”

“My dear friend Felesha, you are mistaken, I do have one dashing lad chasing me. He’s at home right now.”

“Pffff. Just one fox? Don’t you want lots of them around you? Look at you! You are as thin as anything, and you look exhausted! It’s winter time, you need the backup of young lads and you’re a young fox with your youth and beauty going for you. You see, each one of these lads brings me small gifts of food…but you speak only of your little Fred Fox at home.” Felesha Fox giggled some more.

Throwing her head high in the air and chortling, Felesha sped along, her tummy rounded and fat, her legs strong and healthy and left Frances behind. Frances turned her weary head around to see the other 10 male foxes speeding up to reach Felesha’s heels.

Winter gave way to spring and then summer. As it does, winter eventually came around again. Felesha had been busy with lots of different male foxes, and Frances stayed strong and steady with Fred, hunting together slowly to gather the food and information they needed to survive another winter.

Although they had endured tough times together, they had just enough to survive another winter. Halfway through the winter, Felesha and Frances crossed paths again.

Frances was shocked. “What has happened?!” she asked Felesha, who was so skinny that her bones showed through her beautiful red fur. “Your fur is covered in spots, and you look ill!”

“Oh, I’m very sick, Frances.”

“Why don’t you call one of your males for help?”

“I have. They all left me a while ago. I am now alone. I have not seen or heard from one of them! They are buggers.”

“Oh.” Said Frances.

“Why, look at you, Frances, all fat and plump, with that spring in your step!” Felesha said, looking resentful.

Frances looked down, not knowing what to say. “Yes…Fred and I, we worked hard together and last winter we didn’t have much, but I think we have just enough to last this winter the whole way through!” She said, holding her head high and proud.

With that, they parted ways. At the end of the winter, Fred and Frances were about to marry…they planned to raise a big family together. With that exciting news, Frances couldn’t wait to tell Felesha, and ran all around town looking for her.

She went everywhere to find her long time friend, but she was nowhere to be seen. Until a stranger walking by asked Frances: “Are you looking for something?”

“Yes! I am looking for young Felesha, do you know her?”

“Oh yes. She died a few days ago. She was very sick and alone, and it got the better of her, poor girl.”

 

Invest deeply in one man, and reap long term benefits. Invest partially in several men and reap short term benefits, but risk ending up without the thing your heart truly desires.

Here is PART 2 of The Secret Cost For Women When They Have Casual Sex.

The key here is emotional investment and vulnerability. There’s nothing wrong with engaging in casual sex, but for most women who do it, it can have a grave cost that is too painful for them to speak about.

If men can do it, women can do it, too!

Why are many people encouraging women to have casual partners these days? If men can do it, then we should be able to as well. To hell with the double standard!

First of all, casual sex is not new. Women have been doing it for centuries. It is one mating strategy. That’s it; it’s just a mating strategy.

It is a mating strategy that gets a bit of flack, because women engaging in indiscriminate sex, or even casual sex, interfere with other loyal women’s mating strategies. That is to say that women who risk time and emotional vulnerability with one man long term don’t like the threat that women who are willing to have sex without emotional attachment pose to them.

Casual sex just seems to be gaining more widespread social acceptance, with the cry for sexism to stop, the cry for judgement to stop, and for equality to spread.

Casual sex is an ancient mating strategy. But the fact that it is ancient doesn’t mean that it does not have its serious potential costs for women and men.

There is a small percentage of women out there who can truly have casual sex, and see the man leave afterwards (without investing emotionally in her) – and not suffer anguish, pain and regret over the casual sex.

I suspect (and I could be wrong) that the women who do this are women who truly have zero emotional attachment to the sex partner they had; and they were also using their casual partner to get their rocks off.

If a woman has purely casual sex for any other reason than getting her rocks off, say, because she enjoys feeling desired, she is possibly about to see her strategy backfire on her, because men don’t always reciprocate a woman’s reasons for having sex – they don’t always have sex because they desire the woman. And men’s interpretation of ‘desire’ for women differs to women’s interpretation of men’s desire for them.

In other words: in search of feeling desired, often, women find themselves left by the man the next morning – footing a huge cost in the name of fulfilling the hole where they wanted to feel desired.

Casual sex is different to short term sexual relationships. Truly casual sex (e.g. a one night stand OR a courtship where the man has zero investment in the woman) is the area in which I’m focusing on in this article, and it is also the area in which women stand to risk a lot for virtually nothing.

Women stand to lose more for using sex in the wrong way, than men do.

What IS “casual sex”?

“Casual sex” in my definition is sex where one or both partners are emotionally disinterested in the other. (Often, women infer a man’s sexual interest in her and his attraction towards her as his emotional interest. Often, women are wrong, and this is another reason why you have to be very cautious with casual sex. It’s about understand the world from a man’s perspective).

Of course, there are other definitions of casual sex, but for the purpose of this piece I am going to go by this definition.

Now, this isn’t to say that women can’t have sex purely for the enjoyment of it – not at all. After all, I’m nobody to even suggest what any woman should do with her sexuality, or her sexual desires.

But I’m just here to suggest that in many circumstances, casual sex is like playing with fire.

Should women be sexually liberated?

I first want to address this widespread call for women to be sexually liberated. Sure, sexual liberation is so very important for women. It could be one of the most important issues for us to focus on for the sake of women, because it encourages them to feel free and happy.

After all, sex can reduce stress.

But wait.

Free, happy, and liberated?

Liberated in what?

This is important. Because, it’s one thing for women to be liberated in their sexuality, and it’s another for women to feel liberated in using sex to take value.

Essentially, can ANY woman out there be totally sexually liberated, without fully trusting the man she’s sleeping with?

Is it liberating to sleep with someone who isn’t invested in you in any way? It might be, until you realise that you can feel bad afterwards.

She can be liberated in her attempts to take value or experience sex purely for physical enjoyment, but liberated sexually? With a man who doesn’t give two hoots about her? No, that’s not sexually liberated.

It’s liberating to take what you want sexually, but does it give you character? Does it make you respect yourself? Does it make you more as a person to use men for the sake of physical pleasure? I’m not sure, only you can answer that.

Can you be fully liberated if you don’t fully trust him? And by fully trusting I mean, can she: Keep eye contact with her sexual partner most of the time, their breaths in unison, feeling him for who he is, and interlocking with him, offering her deepest heart and deepest desires, with total vulnerability?

Can he and she cry with one another? Fully trust one another? Die for each other?

That to me, is liberated.

But to have sex for the sake of getting a need fulfilled: that’s just being bound by the needs of our physical body – potentially ignoring the consequences for our emotional world.

It’s short-term thinking, just like how Felesha Fox did it.

Unfortunately, what a lot of society today thinks as liberated, is really just let him or her be ‘free to get their rocks off with whomever they want, whenever they want, in whatever way they want’ – but we won’t tell her of the pain a woman might experience afterwards.

Even worse, we’ll make sure that we also invalidate a woman’s feelings of pain, hurt, or regret after casual sex, because it’s more important to sexually liberate women.

If it’s socially “normal”, then why oh why would women feel bad after it? There’s no reason! She must be nuts (sarcasm intended).

It’s all with good intent, this equality thing, I know. Who doesn’t want women to be liberated…there’s nothing better than happy women who feel free and unencumbered by other people’s judgement.

But we have to realise that it’s not other people’s judgement that are damaging; it’s ignoring our own deepest yearnings and substituting it for superficial sexual engagements, that’s potentially damaging.

Are we really liberating women by not caring for them enough to share with them the knowledge of what pain they can experience after indiscriminately engaging in superficial sex?

For example, I get many emails that entail the stories of women who were with men whom were very good at getting them into bed – that the man’s mating game was so top notch that she had sex with him the first night she met him; having felt truly excited and desired by the man.

Only, she’s emailing me because she’s in incredible pain the next day, or week, or month afterwards. Is that liberation?

Maybe she was liberated in the moment of having the sex – which isn’t a bad thing – but I think we need to be aware of the idea of short term benefits versus long term benefits, and how that works in the context of sex; because in the context of sex, short term gains (getting a new good looking partner for one night of great sex), can have long term costs, just like it did for Felesha Fox.

With that out of the way – here are some important considerations…

When was the last time somebody felt you for who you are?

So society tells us to be free to bed whomever. Okay, sure. Seems great! But let’s look a little deeper…

When was the last time those people (in society) felt you for who you are?

When was the last time “those people” who encourage you to sleep around, gave you guidance from this tender place, of having felt into you, felt your heart, felt your soul, and recognised who you truly are?

Does society, and gossip magazines tell you to have indiscriminate sex, whilst feeling into your heart? Hearing of your past and showing you deep understanding for who you are?

Most people never have this experience. Most people avoid the people who would pin them down through love and open them up through their deepest layers like this. They don’t want anybody to sit with them and uncover their most raw desire for vulnerable mutual love, and the accompanying yearning that goes along with that.

Many more people are choosing short term sexual access now, including women, with the strange socially perpetuated idea that “women should be able to do it too”.

What kind of advice is that though?

Is it really caring?

Or is it some superficial rule, that might benefit some women out there, but not every woman?

And – most people don’t give guidance from this place of knowing who you are (even better than you do).

Admittedly, many of us try to hide who we truly are; and insist on our independence. But hiding who we truly are is what leads us to settle for short term relationships without fulfillment.

This is the kind of separation that encourages someone to feel isolated; and when we feel isolated, we lose confidence and become more vulnerable to making terrible decisions. Decisions such as drinking excessive alcohol, and then getting taken advantage of.

Casual sex good for our health?

So many sources seem to be saying to “do it“.

This article explained that casual sex is good for health. It also explained that there was a study done on college students that concluded that the students who were more eager to have casual sex reported improvements in psychological well-being, versus those who were more conservative about casual sex.

And yet; that really tells us nothing. The same students ‘eager’ to have casual sex are the same ones making impulsive, superficial decisions, without connecting to their heart. Or to another human’s heart. So, of course they’re going to report improvements in well-being! They didn’t want to go deep within themselves to begin with. It is consistent with their character/personality.

There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with making superficial decisions – sometimes superficial decisions provide the contrast needed to appreciate a non superficial decision.

Everything has value, if you see it that way. So this isn’t about bashing superficiality; I’m not interested in that.

The same article tells us that whether we feel good about having casual sex has to do with society’s expectations about it, and whether it violates your moral code.

According to the same article; if you don’t have a moral code that says casual sex is bad, then your psychological well-being is not going to be affected by having casual sex.

Well, how do we measure psychological well-being?

Do we measure it upon how a person reports upon their own psychological well-being? The same person who engaged in the casual sex to begin with?

Well, that’s a poor measure, because we’re often very bad at assessing our own psychological well-being; and we are also often very bad at knowing what we truly want. A lot of us are just going with what we think is good for us; without feeling deeper into our hearts, to feel the truth.

However, researchers are often finding that although people engage in short term sex, they often prefer something lasting; if they can find it.

And what about cognitive dissonance? (ie: we don’t want to feel our pain related to the casual sex, or we’d feel like we wanted to die if we did feel the pain, so we pretend it wasn’t bad for us; and report positively about it?)

So is all this talk about casual sex being damaging for women just a socially constructed idea?

Well do I have some news on that.

David Buss, a researcher and professor at the University of Texas, has found in his research that women often have more to lose (than men do) if they make errors in sexual strategies for attracting mates.

There is plenty of room for error when women use casual sex (non committal sex) to get what they want, and we must be aware of this and be willing to pay the potential price if we don’t get the investment/commitment and depth of attention our heart truly desires.

Let’s consider why though. Why do women often have more to lose than men when it comes to sex?

It comes down to the fact that when women offer themselves sexually, it is a higher worth than when men offer themselves sexually.

Are women worth more reproductively?

Let’s rewind back a few hundred years (maybe 3 or 400 years) before contraception became so widely available, and before there were so many options for contraception.

Who (man or woman) has sexual property more worthy of protecting and being selective of who can access it?

Women get entered by a man, and men “enter” a woman. This is how it works physically. And men have to prove themselves worthy – and deep down, they want a woman to make them prove themselves before sex. Otherwise, it’s “just sex”.

Sperm is so cheap, and so plentiful, that it can be sprayed everywhere, without concern and there’s still more where that came from.

And a lot of those sperm are only there to help the strongest sperm swim strong and hard to the egg, because it’s so hard to survive in the female’s reproductive tract.

All of this biology is pointing to the reminder that men need to work hard to get to the egg. If he never had to work hard with a woman, it’s scary, to be involved with that particular woman. Find out more about what fuels a man’s commitment phobia here.

Unsure if you’re dating a commitment friendly man? Take our quick quiz here.

The ideal way (although not the only right way) for a woman to open to sex with a man was that she would get to know him for a while, and as she began to trust the man, she would then open to sex with him. This allows for a natural attraction to build up; and it allows for a relationship to build up naturally. Nothing is forced, no one is there to just take value – and no one is there to “jump the gun” and get naked quickly (mainly because it doesn’t feel right just yet).

But relationships sometimes don’t work that way anymore. Everyone is desensitised to their natural emotions. These days, emotions are dulled, and pushed down, for many reasons of which aren’t appropriate to discuss in this article.

If you want more on how to trigger attraction in men, and maintain emotional and physical attraction, come over here.

More on a woman’s eggs

Eggs are expensive: they recommend that paying an egg donor sums over $5,000 requires justification, and sums over $10,000 is inappropriate. The reality? Prospective parents are willing to pay up to $50,00 for a donor egg.

And how much do sperm donors get? Well, that’s complicated. If you’re an open donor (meaning, parents can be given your details and find out who you are for the sake of paternity), according to this article, you get $125 per viable sperm sample, and if you’re a closed donor, you get $20.

And you have to jump through a ridiculous (and I really mean, a ridiculous) amount of hoops to get your measly $20. You have to be at least 6 feet tall, between 18-35 years old, and even better if you have a PhD (there’s phd sperm), and you have to provide health information for 4 generations back in your family and explain any little health problem any ancestor within those 4 generations may have had.

And that’s only the beginning of the hoops you have to jump through.

Yup. Complicated.

But what does the price of egg and sperm mean?

Still, this modern pricing isn’t entirely reflective of biology.

For example – redhead men are often excluded from the sperm donation process, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t wanted of high mate value to somebody in real life.

Nobody wants a redhead sperm donor – but this doesn’t reflect the actual market value of a redhead male per se, it reflects the demand of the parents (redheads make up a tiny percentage of the population), so why would there be a demand for redhead sperm when most parents have brown hair, going by statistics?

So the price of egg and sperm isn’t entirely reflective of biological value. I just mention it to give you an idea from the perspective of the value of sperm versus egg.

I mean, I am a female. I don’t make any sperm – at all. Neither do you. And men are not sitting there churning out eggs, either. So we each have different value to offer each other in opposite sex relationships.

But let’s put this another way: The sheer number of sperm produced compared to eggs is enough to let you know why women not only have a reproductive head start on men, but women are reproductively more valuable. As a general rule.

A very unattractive low mate value woman still has sexual options. Whereas, a very unnattractive low mate value man has little hope to hang on to.

What would you do, when you are sure that you DO have value?

Well, you are choosy. You don’t give yourself away.

Then there’s considerations like this: men who are tall, dark, handsome, open, kind, athletic AND smart will have more demand for their sperm than a deadbeat.

And, women who are youthful, open, beautiful, kind, athletic, and smart will get more investment from men, and more demand on the market.

How naturally feminine are you? Take the quiz here! 

However, because men produce so much sperm, and there’s so much excess sperm to be spread around, and so many men willing to just have sex compared to women – the demand for sexually willing women will always (from an overall population perspective) be greater than the demand for sexually willing men.

I mean, who cares if a man is sexaully willing – really? Woopdeedoo!

It’s all about whether the woman is ready or not. There’s no mystery about whether men are generally willing to sleep with a woman.

You’re a woman, so you already know it’s really not hard to find willing men for sex. It’s getting the commitment that’s hard work.

What do you think about all this?

Do you believe in encouraging women to have casual sex

Here is part 2 of this series on “The Secret Cost for Women when they have casual sex”.

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  • IBikeNYC

    “I mean, who cares if a man is sexaully willing – really? Woopdeedoo!”

    Oh, are you funny, Renee; LOLOLOL!

    I’ll spare everybody my soapbox about this topic and say instead a huge and heartfelt “THANK YOU, GIRL!” for all this validation!

    EVERY generation has had its own version of what is now known by the cloyingly-twee name of (GAG) “Friends With Benefits,” a circumstance which IMO was most-accurately described as “Cheap Sex” back in my parents’ day.

  • jimmy chacko

    Men do not want women that act like men. Its your femininity that we don’t poses that draws us to you. Every “liberated” women I know is miserable especially when they hit their 30’s and can’t understand why they don’t have the husband and 2.5 children.

  • Jim Johnson

    I am a guy who grew up in an irreligious household. At 23, I was baptized into the LDS (Mormon) church. In the following years, I found a faithful woman and am now married with six kids.

    The reason I tell you all of that is so you can understand that I have lived in both worlds. I tried the nightclub scene, trying to be the PUA. After joining the church, I was introduced into a much more traditional and chaste culture……here are a couple observations:

    1) Dating is much easier within the church. A date is just a date, you take a girl out on a double date with mini-golf and ice cream. There are no sexual expectations. Prior, if you ask a girl out, it is like you have intentions to be in some relationship.

    2) The emotional hangups are relatively small. You keep sex out of the relationship, and you reduce the heartache that comes with the (almost) inevitable breakup.

    3) Because dating is easier, you can afford to take girls out that you are not sure if you will like or not. You can find out a better idea on who you want before you commit to anything.

    4) Within our marriage relationship, the level of commitment and trust is higher. Although there are some skeletons in my closet that haunt me, my wife was a virgin on our wedding night, and has no regrets, no comparisons, no longing for the past.

  • Anita

    I think the being liberated part has more to do with women not being judged for their sexual/romantic choices – whether they are into casual or serious stuff, whether they choose to marry or have kids.
    I disagree with some of the points here. When/if I have casual sex, it’d be purely to get my rocks off. I’d make sure my partner is someone I can trust with my safety, with my pleasure and someone who I find attractive, but I probably wouldn’t be bothered( would prefer actually!) we never meet again. However IMO casual sex is a quickfix, kind of a stress-release during times in life when you barely have time for a relationship with your family – or for yourself. During all this as always, you do continue working to make yourself more high-value and when you can chisel out some time – your goal always is an intimate loving relationship!!
    I don’t think casual sex is wrong or necessarily even a regular habit – its an option for women that they no longer should be judged for exercising. Its upto them how smart and how true to their body they are when they choose to exercise that option or not. The body does have sexual memory and its important to respect that!

  • N. A. M.

    I am reading your valued insight to help me grow as an individual and as a role model. Sometimes my personal outlook about myself has allowed me to accept less than I deserve in my past.

    As a high school teacher, I hope to encourage positive emotional and intellectual changes among the students in this “liberated” age. I see the pain and jealousy develop because of the supposed liberated behavior that is openly discussed. I understand the pain that is felt, while a young person tries to deny that the emotional distress felt is one stemming from feeling betrayed. Society is trying to state casual sex is okay. Females are emotionally attached afterward but are told that is not an acceptable. This leads to confusion and heartache….and vicious fights.

    • Thanks a lot for your perspective, N.A.M. As a teacher, you have the ability and power to do just what you described (encourage positive emotional and intellectual changes). I wish you a positive and successful journey doing this!

  • Desiree Dyer

    I love the article and based on many women’s groups i have been involved in I would say that most women want to be attached and that desire to them means emotional attachment and somebody who wants them because of their personality or who they really are, but that has not been true for me, I have been in 2 long term relationships and have had many casual sexual encounters before and between the relationships. I have always viewed sex and love aka emotional attachment as 2 very different things.
    I believe that desire means that a man finds you visually appealing, a turn on if you will,and that creates sexual passion. The other emotional attachment and loving your personality generally creates a great bond , but produces boring sex and them always looking for other women to turn them on , don’t get me wrong they love you, they may not actually cheat on you. But the sex is far from exciting, they do not want to ravage you, they want to cuddle and rub your back to get you in the mood , but only when they are in the mood, your sexuality is controlled by theirs. This may seem very jaded but having been a sex worker that had many married clients when I was young, they all stated that they loved their wives and would never want to hurt them, but their wives were one type of woman yes they were appealing but not sexy to them. Then having gone for the emotional connection I had a wonderful husband for 8 years before he was killed, but as wonderful as he was he did cheat. My second very long term relationship to a man that swore he was not that type of man and he was attracted to me because of my personality and who I was just ended after 21 years when I found out that not only did he cheat on me but he actively searched for other women the entire time we were together. And to be honest I have know far more men that are like this than I have men that are not. I was more authentic in my sexuality with casual sex than in a relationship, because over time my sexuality had to be dulled in order to be the wife and mother. So I have found at least through out my life that if you are a female with a high sex drive and really like sex, casual sex is the way to go, men in long term relationships feel threatened by this once they make you theirs and try to tame your fire until it goes out.

  • Sapphire

    I feel the world of anger after reading this post and the anger is all being directed straight from my heart; for all the times that I didn’t know my own value as a human and the meaning of healthy boundaries, this is a poor sentiment to acknowledge for what it is worth, when being in the wrong place with men for one too many times.

    One of the best things I have ever read is: A man should be given one chance and one chance only, if he fucks up, then that’s for him to deal with, no matter how easy or difficult that decision was for him to make.

    Ever since I have read that, it’s always there in mind that if a man leaves the wrong impression, then he’s not to be given the time of day again. Because by no means does it do anyone a favour by being slack in boundaires.

    I feel that if we are taught the meaning of healthy boundaires and owning a level of self worth, then this issue would far less likely to happen. We are all productivity to our parents mentoring at the end of the day and you would think that society would have progressed enough to educate young adolescents on the importance of running healthy relationships all round.

    I look at my little daughter who is now 7 year’s in age, and the thought of her being a peace of meat strikes the thoughts of baseball bats to mind… I have already started educating her on the importance of saying NO and she has not long made a sign for her bedroom door saying no boy’s aloud.

    P.s, I’m liking the story analogy with the foxes; that is rather cute.

    • “you would think that society would have progressed enough to educate young adolescents on the importance of running healthy relationships all round.” – what I have thought many times. And this is one reason why I do what I do. 🙂

      And your daughter is blessed to have a mother who is teaching her about boundaries.

      • Sapphire

        Bless your heart, Renee ☺; we are so lucky to have you educating us on this type of controversy. There is no one like you 😊 and your my only female role model in main stream society that I choose to follow up at this point in my life.

        It is thanks to the feminine woman content that I am able to be in this place I am at, and makes it possible to educating my daughter to what really matters.

        So grateful 💖💓💕

  • AH

    Great article, Renee! I don’t believe in equality. If a women honors her feminine energy she will have rights unimaginable. At least that has been my experience. As a young female, my view is unpopular and often met with repulsion.
    I first met my now husband when I was in high school. I loved him but decided not to have a sexual relationship with him. In my heart, I felt we were to young and that it was not the right time. We parted ways after high school. Seventeen years later we reconnected and he married me 1yr. and 6mo. later. He admits that he was attracted to me because I have strong boundaries.

  • Rosiebyanyothername

    Thanks for this article, Renee! I feel that the mainstream discourse around “sexually liberating” women has really failed at empowering women to freely decide the content of their sex lives…It seems that whether or not you engage in casual sex as a woman, you can’t win! It’s a false dichotomy of ‘slut’ vs ‘prude’ (sorry for language). I’m really pleased that you chose to address such a controversial topic (of course it doesn’t hurt that I agree with you :P).

    I wish that society would be more accepting of what I see as essential differences between men and women. I’m sure that there are some people who truly fall in the middle of the spectrum, but I don’t think that’s the case for the vast majority. Sure I have equal value to a man – but I would never want to be treated exactly like a man! I hope you understand what I mean…

  • Bonnie Newlin Sauer

    I was a low value woman in college, due to having low self esteem for various reasons that aren’t important today.
    I was married for 20 years, divorced, and subscribed to Renee’s website and newsletters 2 years ago. As a woman in my 40s I was still coming across this issue of casual sex and the emotional fallout I saw with my single friends was upsetting, to say the least!
    I had done a lot of self introspection, emotional and spiritual healing, etc after my divorce, and I truly know that I learned how to be high value to men by learning about what I actually wanted, what kind of man I wanted to attract, who I was, and what I was worth. Renee’s work helped me greatly. So thankful, honestly!
    Today, I am in a lovely relationship with a man who knows my heart, whom I can be vulnerable with, whom I trust, and who I know values me and what I bring to our blended family. It’s been a long journey of self discovery for me but so very worth it today.

  • nena

    A great post as always !!!looking forward for the sequels!!!as renee fully covered the emotional part (no doubt she would) I would like to add to the physical part of sex and I have to say this:no casual sex with the hottest guy can offer you the physical pleasure that sex with the man who cares,can!and that’s because the man who cares about you,will work hard for your pleasure,for the reason that he needs a happy woman by his side!as for our part ,only when we fully trust a man,we can fully show our dark and kinky side,and go after our pleasure ,because we are not afraid of judgement or being used!!! ♡♡♡

  • disqus_jGt2bp42Em

    Your articles are amazing ! Please keep then coming. This subjects are still controversial cause I feel they are viewed as an attempt agains equality that women fought hard to get. But in this intempt of trging to get the same rights that men had we started mimicking them, to enter what were “their field” in a male dominated world.
    But we lost so much of what makes US women. As a lawyer I did this and became desensited and it feel off cause men start treating you like a guy and it feels safe to be in control and like no one can mess with you cause you are “agressive and strong” but it is not real strenght and doesn’t match what we have inside. I believe we can win and do everything but being truthful to our feminine nature. We can be accomplished and powerful and liberated but keep our essence. We need to be more authentic to do tho. For the majority of us, sex 99,9 of the times makes of cling emotionally to the man cause we are sensitive and emotional creatures and that doesn’t makes us weak. We should stop shaming this and stop pretending we have no emotions to appear “strong” because there is a lot of courage in being vulnerable and the world needs it. Men need us to be vulnerable too. We are not crazy, less ballsy or not fit for being a boss or compete because we are sensitive. Let’s liberate ourselves from THAT idea!

  • disqus_jGt2bp42Em

    Your articles are amazing ! Please keep then coming. This subjects are still controversial cause I feel they are viewed as an attempt agains equality that women fought hard to get. But in this intempt of trging to get the same rights that men had we started mimicking them, to enter what were “their field” in a male dominated world.
    But we lost so much of what makes US women. As a lawyer I did this and became desensited and it feel off cause men start treating you like a guy and it feels safe to be in control and like no one can mess with you cause you are “agressive and strong” but it is not real strenght and doesn’t match what we have inside. I believe we can win and do everything by being truthful to our feminine nature. We can be accomplished and powerful and liberated but keep our essence. We need to be more authentic to do tho. For the majority of us, sex 99,9 of the times makes of cling emotionally to the man cause we are sensitive and emotional creatures and that doesn’t makes us weak. We should stop shaming this and stop pretending we have no emotions to appear “strong” because there is a lot of courage in being vulnerable and the world needs it. Men need us to be vulnerable too. We are not crazy, less ballsy or not fit for being a boss or compete because we are sensitive. Let’s liberate ourselves from THAT idea!

  • Holly Michelle Rafford

    This is a great article. A lot of women as they get older, become smarter about sex. Sex should not be taken casually. It is meant for a husband and wife.

  • Mila

    I have always emotionally suffered when I have had casual sex with a man. I have done it twice and both times I pretended I didn’t care but I did feel miserable when the men treated me like they didn’t care much about me. I felt I wanted them to care 🙂 Thankfully I listened to my senses and discontinued both encounters very soon. Never done it again, will never do it! It is just not worth the trouble and the way it impacted my self-confidence. I want to be admired by a man I love, a man who inspires me. That is what makes me feel alive and resourceful (one of my most favorite words of Renee).

    • Thanks a lot for your story and your vulnerability Mila. 🙂

  • Ana Casas

    I use to get myself into the trap of the excessive “liberating women” discourse. In my logical brain (an ideal world, equal), women must stop being judged by society about casual sex, when most of the time the reality is that we don’t want to be categorised, dumped and judged BY men. It feels so bad when men don’t see value in yourself for a relationship. Most women feel this value is granted: “Just because I am a -succesful, smart, kind, or beautiful- woman you Should see how wonderful and worthy of a commitment I am”. This was my repetitive mistake: to take for granted my value as a woman (and a man’s commitment) and expect men to treat me with love and respect (while doing all sorts of stupid things); the fact is that I wasn’t even showing as a high value woman, now I know better 🙂

    • Hmm, your comment is really insightful, thank you Ana! I love the honesty in your line: “women must stop being judged by society about casual sex, when most of the time the reality is that we don’t want to be categorised, dumped and judged BY men.”

  • Pooja Pophale

    Brilliant article Renee…
    Truly the best one on the topic amongst the others I have read so far.
    I loved your Fox analogy…it explains things so clearly.
    And yes casual sex is just a different mating strategy which has been around for a long time…thanks for reminding that…because a lot of people think that they are doing something great or modern or innovative when they do that…but that’s not true at all.
    And also thank you for decoding articles which support casual sex…it is only suitable for people who like to take extreme risks in life.For someone who is sensitized to their body’s deep desires,it will be highly impractical and stupid to indulge…
    You have spend a lot of time,feelings and energy to give us this very big article and there is still more to come…That’s a lot of abundance Renee.I am grateful.

    • Thanks as always for being here Pooja, and thanks for your thoughtful comment. There’s definitely more to come! 🙂

  • J.a. Ct

    “It comes down to the fact that when women offer themselves
    sexually, it is a higher worth than when men offer themselves sexually.”

    Men tend to categorize women. Women who sleep with a man too soon rarely make it to the “girlfriend” or “wife” category. This is in part due to primordialism. He wants a female who will not offer her eggs to other men while he is away. He instinctively sees casual sex as low value due to genetic coding. He moves on seeking a higher value women.

    This is why the idea of sexual equality is dangerous: As stated in the article, women hold greater sexual value than men. We should treat ourselves with such value and winnow the chafe of men who do not see that value in us. We devalue ourselves when we do not recognize this necessary inherent inequality.

    I was disturbed to read that many people have sex before their first date while 25% of males have HPV. I became engaged about a month ago. He is a well balanced man as he is in touch with his emotions (he cries for example). When he fell in love, the sex was amazing. He put me first, became very emotionally vulnerable and worked to ensure mutuality. As we continue down our path, our mutual support through the tough times strengthens the passion in bed. I never felt sexually interviewed nor in risk being with him.

    • Fantastic that you didn’t feel in risk being with him! Thanks for sharing, J.a. Ct 🙂

  • amber

    It had been said that sex without heart is similar to animals. Simply inject to reproduce. We as humans have a heart and emotions to bind us together to uplift our souls and humanity as a whole. Being like a raw animal will not be good for humanity since animals kill each other eat their young and other horrendous acts. The women who would benefit from casual sex the most are IMO white women. White feminism seeks to control and have power for women, unfortunately most feminists discount minorities. Brown women already have,a hard life to survive so being open and feminine is even harder. White women airway cuckold beautiful white men, making them submissive while riding brown men. She gets the best of both world white man money brown man insatiable appetite and power through sex and she keeps other females/minorities down. If no one challenges her heartless status quo she will bring destruction because of her selfishness disregard for others and distance from reality. Pedestal mentality for some women turns them into monsters. Literal demons. Hell on earth destruction of man because she will choose to be like the whore side of Eve instead of a righteous woman, further leading man away from God and destruction to families and the world. The narcissistic white bitch is toxic. It’s already happening and the devil will be men who will continue to help her sell her soul for the carnal superficial pleasures of men, led astray by desire and not by the heart which would elevate man AND,woman. She seeks power of her own to do as she pleases and bring destruction through deceit carelessness and lawlessness. “Blessed is the woman who FEARS the Lord”

    • HoardsCats

      Another great post. I am already married but really like reading your posts because I still pick up some advice. It would be great if you wrote for women already in a commited relationship sometime, but I understand that’s not your area of focus!

      • Hey HoardsCats!

        Yes, you see, I originally did write a lot for women in relationships but realised that women who were single needed questions answered, so that has been my focus for some time.

        I will get in to advice for women already in a relationship in the future. Thanks for your comment! 🙂

    • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

      What does race/colour have to do with what Renee is saying?

      • disqus_xdjW92LkBE

        Whilst I don’t completely agree with Amber, I do agree with her underlying theme to an extent. I do think race plays a role in sexual politics, and the feminist message (which Renée touched on) of just “doing what men do” is received and plays out differently in different racial groups.

        For example, Black women in the USA (and other places where slavery was practised) are descendants of women who were bought or sold on the basis of the size of their breasts or after having their genitalia intimately inspected, or having been raped. Women who were subjected to repeated rapes and sexual assaults by slave owners as adults and children. Women who were also raped and impregnated by other slaves, whose only role was to breed children for the master. There is also a lot of discussion about how Black women are currently hypersexualised in the media eg music videos etc and also the levels of child molestation within the Black community. All of this contributes to the conversation about casual sex because how your mother, grandmother, great grandmother viewed her sexuality has been passed down to you in some form. Imagine growing up in a community, during slavery, where everyone you know who looks like you has been sexually violated? Imagine what that does to your mind and the way you view the world, and the messages you would pass down to your children and grandchildren? Imagine the levels of dissassociation with your body and feelings you would have to develop in order to be able to survive the horror?

        You would first have to understand what on earth ‘consent’ even means, before even in your wildest dreams, thinking of being sexually liberated.

        At the current time, as one of those descendants, I have to take full responsibility for the messages I have been taught explicitly or implicitly for generations.

        Having a history of sexual violence based on race does affect the way that you see your body, your choices, your ability to say no and have good boundaries, the way that you see and operate within relationships and how you view men. So yes, it has a lot to do with it.

      • Queen Israel

        Absolutely nothing Tanya, everyone is responsible for their own actions and their own happiness. A bunch of white girls being ‘loose” OR LOW VALUE does not oppress other women or minoroties that’s not even a logical statment. Being low value only hurts yourself and ‘cuckold’ is some sort of porn reference which implies all Amber is around is low class people.To be honest I am not even sure “Amber” is a girl. When is the last time a girl used the phrase “beautiful white man” but is a minority women who is anti interracial? Or “narsacsstic white b*tch” but is a white woman? It’s a red herring at best with extreme racist overtones and considering Renee herself is in an interracial relationship really has no place on this forum.