One cold winter morning, Felesha Fox came running alongside her friend, Frances Fox. “Hahahah, look at all these male foxes chasing after me, Frances! There’s about 10 of them!” Frances, looking a little embarrassed and scared, turned around to see 10 male foxes or more, chasing her friend Felesha Fox.
“Why don’t you have even one dashing lad chasing you down, like me?”
“My dear friend Felesha, you are mistaken, I do have one dashing lad chasing me. He’s at home right now.”
“Pffff. Just one fox? Don’t you want lots of them around you? Look at you! You are as thin as anything, and you look exhausted! It’s winter time, you need the backup of young lads and you’re a young fox with your youth and beauty going for you. You see, each one of these lads brings me small gifts of food…but you speak only of your little Fred Fox at home.” Felesha Fox giggled some more.
Throwing her head high in the air and chortling, Felesha sped along, her tummy rounded and fat, her legs strong and healthy and left Frances behind. Frances turned her weary head around to see the other 10 male foxes speeding up to reach Felesha’s heels.
Winter gave way to spring and then summer. As it does, winter eventually came around again. Felesha had been busy with lots of different male foxes, and Frances stayed strong and steady with Fred, hunting together slowly to gather the food and information they needed to survive another winter.
Although they had endured tough times together, they had just enough to survive another winter. Halfway through the winter, Felesha and Frances crossed paths again.
Frances was shocked. “What has happened?!” she asked Felesha, who was so skinny that her bones showed through her beautiful red fur. “Your fur is covered in spots, and you look ill!”
“Oh, I’m very sick, Frances.”
“Why don’t you call one of your males for help?”
“I have. They all left me a while ago. I am now alone. I have not seen or heard from one of them! They are buggers.”
“Oh.” Said Frances.
“Why, look at you, Frances, all fat and plump, with that spring in your step!” Felesha said, looking resentful.
Frances looked down, not knowing what to say. “Yes…Fred and I, we worked hard together and last winter we didn’t have much, but I think we have just enough to last this winter the whole way through!” She said, holding her head high and proud.
With that, they parted ways. At the end of the winter, Fred and Frances were about to marry…they planned to raise a big family together. With that exciting news, Frances couldn’t wait to tell Felesha, and ran all around town looking for her.
She went everywhere to find her long time friend, but she was nowhere to be seen. Until a stranger walking by asked Frances: “Are you looking for something?”
“Yes! I am looking for young Felesha, do you know her?”
“Oh yes. She died a few days ago. She was very sick and alone, and it got the better of her, poor girl.”
Invest deeply in one man, and reap long term benefits. Invest partially in several men and reap short term benefits, but risk ending up without the thing your heart truly desires.
The key here is emotional investment and vulnerability. There’s nothing wrong with engaging in casual sex, but for most women who do it, it can have a grave cost that is too painful for them to speak about.
If men can do it, women can do it, too!
Why are many people encouraging women to have casual partners these days? If men can do it, then we should be able to as well. To hell with the double standard!
First of all, casual sex is not new. Women have been doing it for centuries. It is one mating strategy. That’s it; it’s just a mating strategy.
It is a mating strategy that gets a bit of flack, because women engaging in indiscriminate sex, or even casual sex, interfere with other loyal women’s mating strategies. That is to say that women who risk time and emotional vulnerability with one man long term don’t like the threat that women who are willing to have sex without emotional attachment pose to them.
Casual sex just seems to be gaining more widespread social acceptance, with the cry for sexism to stop, the cry for judgement to stop, and for equality to spread.
Casual sex is an ancient mating strategy. But the fact that it is ancient doesn’t mean that it does not have its serious potential costs for women and men.
There is a small percentage of women out there who can truly have casual sex, and see the man leave afterwards (without investing emotionally in her) – and not suffer anguish, pain and regret over the casual sex.
I suspect (and I could be wrong) that the women who do this are women who truly have zero emotional attachment to the sex partner they had; and they were also using their casual partner to get their rocks off.
If a woman has purely casual sex for any other reason than getting her rocks off, say, because she enjoys feeling desired, she is possibly about to see her strategy backfire on her, because men don’t always reciprocate a woman’s reasons for having sex – they don’t always have sex because they desire the woman. And men’s interpretation of ‘desire’ for women differs to women’s interpretation of men’s desire for them.
In other words: in search of feeling desired, often, women find themselves left by the man the next morning – footing a huge cost in the name of fulfilling the hole where they wanted to feel desired.
Casual sex is different to short term sexual relationships. Truly casual sex (e.g. a one night stand OR a courtship where the man has zero investment in the woman) is the area in which I’m focusing on in this article, and it is also the area in which women stand to risk a lot for virtually nothing.
Women stand to lose more for using sex in the wrong way, than men do.
What IS “casual sex”?
“Casual sex” in my definition is sex where one or both partners are emotionally disinterested in the other. (Often, women infer a man’s sexual interest in her and his attraction towards her as his emotional interest. Often, women are wrong, and this is another reason why you have to be very cautious with casual sex. It’s about understand the world from a man’s perspective).
Of course, there are other definitions of casual sex, but for the purpose of this piece I am going to go by this definition.
Now, this isn’t to say that women can’t have sex purely for the enjoyment of it – not at all. After all, I’m nobody to even suggest what any woman should do with her sexuality, or her sexual desires.
But I’m just here to suggest that in many circumstances, casual sex is like playing with fire.
Should women be sexually liberated?
I first want to address this widespread call for women to be sexually liberated. Sure, sexual liberation is so very important for women. It could be one of the most important issues for us to focus on for the sake of women, because it encourages them to feel free and happy.
After all, sex can reduce stress.
Free, happy, and liberated?
Liberated in what?
This is important. Because, it’s one thing for women to be liberated in their sexuality, and it’s another for women to feel liberated in using sex to take value.
Essentially, can ANY woman out there be totally sexually liberated, without fully trusting the man she’s sleeping with?
Is it liberating to sleep with someone who isn’t invested in you in any way? It might be, until you realise that you can feel bad afterwards.
She can be liberated in her attempts to take value or experience sex purely for physical enjoyment, but liberated sexually? With a man who doesn’t give two hoots about her? No, that’s not sexually liberated.
It’s liberating to take what you want sexually, but does it give you character? Does it make you respect yourself? Does it make you more as a person to use men for the sake of physical pleasure? I’m not sure, only you can answer that.
Can you be fully liberated if you don’t fully trust him? And by fully trusting I mean, can she: Keep eye contact with her sexual partner most of the time, their breaths in unison, feeling him for who he is, and interlocking with him, offering her deepest heart and deepest desires, with total vulnerability?
Can he and she cry with one another? Fully trust one another? Die for each other?
That to me, is liberated.
But to have sex for the sake of getting a need fulfilled: that’s just being bound by the needs of our physical body – potentially ignoring the consequences for our emotional world.
It’s short-term thinking, just like how Felesha Fox did it.
Unfortunately, what a lot of society today thinks as liberated, is really just let him or her be ‘free to get their rocks off with whomever they want, whenever they want, in whatever way they want’ – but we won’t tell her of the pain a woman might experience afterwards.
Even worse, we’ll make sure that we also invalidate a woman’s feelings of pain, hurt, or regret after casual sex, because it’s more important to sexually liberate women.
If it’s socially “normal”, then why oh why would women feel bad after it? There’s no reason! She must be nuts (sarcasm intended).
It’s all with good intent, this equality thing, I know. Who doesn’t want women to be liberated…there’s nothing better than happy women who feel free and unencumbered by other people’s judgement.
But we have to realise that it’s not other people’s judgement that are damaging; it’s ignoring our own deepest yearnings and substituting it for superficial sexual engagements, that’s potentially damaging.
Are we really liberating women by not caring for them enough to share with them the knowledge of what pain they can experience after indiscriminately engaging in superficial sex?
For example, I get many emails that entail the stories of women who were with men whom were very good at getting them into bed – that the man’s mating game was so top notch that she had sex with him the first night she met him; having felt truly excited and desired by the man.
Only, she’s emailing me because she’s in incredible pain the next day, or week, or month afterwards. Is that liberation?
Maybe she was liberated in the moment of having the sex – which isn’t a bad thing – but I think we need to be aware of the idea of short term benefits versus long term benefits, and how that works in the context of sex; because in the context of sex, short term gains (getting a new good looking partner for one night of great sex), can have long term costs, just like it did for Felesha Fox.
With that out of the way – here are some important considerations…
When was the last time somebody felt you for who you are?
So society tells us to be free to bed whomever. Okay, sure. Seems great! But let’s look a little deeper…
When was the last time those people (in society) felt you for who you are?
When was the last time “those people” who encourage you to sleep around, gave you guidance from this tender place, of having felt into you, felt your heart, felt your soul, and recognised who you truly are?
Does society, and gossip magazines tell you to have indiscriminate sex, whilst feeling into your heart? Hearing of your past and showing you deep understanding for who you are?
Most people never have this experience. Most people avoid the people who would pin them down through love and open them up through their deepest layers like this. They don’t want anybody to sit with them and uncover their most raw desire for vulnerable mutual love, and the accompanying yearning that goes along with that.
Many more people are choosing short term sexual access now, including women, with the strange socially perpetuated idea that “women should be able to do it too”.
What kind of advice is that though?
Is it really caring?
Or is it some superficial rule, that might benefit some women out there, but not every woman?
And – most people don’t give guidance from this place of knowing who you are (even better than you do).
Admittedly, many of us try to hide who we truly are; and insist on our independence. But hiding who we truly are is what leads us to settle for short term relationships without fulfillment.
This is the kind of separation that encourages someone to feel isolated; and when we feel isolated, we lose confidence and become more vulnerable to making terrible decisions. Decisions such as drinking excessive alcohol, and then getting taken advantage of.
Casual sex good for our health?
So many sources seem to be saying to “do it“.
This article explained that casual sex is good for health. It also explained that there was a study done on college students that concluded that the students who were more eager to have casual sex reported improvements in psychological well-being, versus those who were more conservative about casual sex.
And yet; that really tells us nothing. The same students ‘eager’ to have casual sex are the same ones making impulsive, superficial decisions, without connecting to their heart. Or to another human’s heart. So, of course they’re going to report improvements in well-being! They didn’t want to go deep within themselves to begin with. It is consistent with their character/personality.
There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with making superficial decisions – sometimes superficial decisions provide the contrast needed to appreciate a non superficial decision.
Everything has value, if you see it that way. So this isn’t about bashing superficiality; I’m not interested in that.
The same article tells us that whether we feel good about having casual sex has to do with society’s expectations about it, and whether it violates your moral code.
According to the same article; if you don’t have a moral code that says casual sex is bad, then your psychological well-being is not going to be affected by having casual sex.
Well, how do we measure psychological well-being?
Do we measure it upon how a person reports upon their own psychological well-being? The same person who engaged in the casual sex to begin with?
Well, that’s a poor measure, because we’re often very bad at assessing our own psychological well-being; and we are also often very bad at knowing what we truly want. A lot of us are just going with what we think is good for us; without feeling deeper into our hearts, to feel the truth.
However, researchers are often finding that although people engage in short term sex, they often prefer something lasting; if they can find it.
And what about cognitive dissonance? (ie: we don’t want to feel our pain related to the casual sex, or we’d feel like we wanted to die if we did feel the pain, so we pretend it wasn’t bad for us; and report positively about it?)
So is all this talk about casual sex being damaging for women just a socially constructed idea?
Well do I have some news on that.
David Buss, a researcher and professor at the University of Texas, has found in his research that women often have more to lose (than men do) if they make errors in sexual strategies for attracting mates.
There is plenty of room for error when women use casual sex (non committal sex) to get what they want, and we must be aware of this and be willing to pay the potential price if we don’t get the investment/commitment and depth of attention our heart truly desires.
Let’s consider why though. Why do women often have more to lose than men when it comes to sex?
It comes down to the fact that when women offer themselves sexually, it is a higher worth than when men offer themselves sexually.
Are women worth more reproductively?
Let’s rewind back a few hundred years (maybe 3 or 400 years) before contraception became so widely available, and before there were so many options for contraception.
Who (man or woman) has sexual property more worthy of protecting and being selective of who can access it?
Women get entered by a man, and men “enter” a woman. This is how it works physically. And men have to prove themselves worthy – and deep down, they want a woman to make them prove themselves before sex. Otherwise, it’s “just sex”.
Sperm is so cheap, and so plentiful, that it can be sprayed everywhere, without concern and there’s still more where that came from.
And a lot of those sperm are only there to help the strongest sperm swim strong and hard to the egg, because it’s so hard to survive in the female’s reproductive tract.
All of this biology is pointing to the reminder that men need to work hard to get to the egg. If he never had to work hard with a woman, it’s scary, to be involved with that particular woman. Find out more about what fuels a man’s commitment phobia here.
Unsure if you’re dating a commitment friendly man? Take our quick quiz here.
The ideal way (although not the only right way) for a woman to open to sex with a man was that she would get to know him for a while, and as she began to trust the man, she would then open to sex with him. This allows for a natural attraction to build up; and it allows for a relationship to build up naturally. Nothing is forced, no one is there to just take value – and no one is there to “jump the gun” and get naked quickly (mainly because it doesn’t feel right just yet).
But relationships sometimes don’t work that way anymore. Everyone is desensitised to their natural emotions. These days, emotions are dulled, and pushed down, for many reasons of which aren’t appropriate to discuss in this article.
If you want more on how to trigger attraction in men, and maintain emotional and physical attraction, come over here.
More on a woman’s eggs
Eggs are expensive: they recommend that paying an egg donor sums over $5,000 requires justification, and sums over $10,000 is inappropriate. The reality? Prospective parents are willing to pay up to $50,00 for a donor egg.
And how much do sperm donors get? Well, that’s complicated. If you’re an open donor (meaning, parents can be given your details and find out who you are for the sake of paternity), according to this article, you get $125 per viable sperm sample, and if you’re a closed donor, you get $20.
And you have to jump through a ridiculous (and I really mean, a ridiculous) amount of hoops to get your measly $20. You have to be at least 6 feet tall, between 18-35 years old, and even better if you have a PhD (there’s phd sperm), and you have to provide health information for 4 generations back in your family and explain any little health problem any ancestor within those 4 generations may have had.
And that’s only the beginning of the hoops you have to jump through.
But what does the price of egg and sperm mean?
Still, this modern pricing isn’t entirely reflective of biology.
For example – redhead men are often excluded from the sperm donation process, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t wanted of high mate value to somebody in real life.
Nobody wants a redhead sperm donor – but this doesn’t reflect the actual market value of a redhead male per se, it reflects the demand of the parents (redheads make up a tiny percentage of the population), so why would there be a demand for redhead sperm when most parents have brown hair, going by statistics?
So the price of egg and sperm isn’t entirely reflective of biological value. I just mention it to give you an idea from the perspective of the value of sperm versus egg.
I mean, I am a female. I don’t make any sperm – at all. Neither do you. And men are not sitting there churning out eggs, either. So we each have different value to offer each other in opposite sex relationships.
But let’s put this another way: The sheer number of sperm produced compared to eggs is enough to let you know why women not only have a reproductive head start on men, but women are reproductively more valuable. As a general rule.
A very unattractive low mate value woman still has sexual options. Whereas, a very unnattractive low mate value man has little hope to hang on to.
What would you do, when you are sure that you DO have value?
Well, you are choosy. You don’t give yourself away.
Then there’s considerations like this: men who are tall, dark, handsome, open, kind, athletic AND smart will have more demand for their sperm than a deadbeat.
And, women who are youthful, open, beautiful, kind, athletic, and smart will get more investment from men, and more demand on the market.
How naturally feminine are you? Take the quiz here!
However, because men produce so much sperm, and there’s so much excess sperm to be spread around, and so many men willing to just have sex compared to women – the demand for sexually willing women will always (from an overall population perspective) be greater than the demand for sexually willing men.
I mean, who cares if a man is sexaully willing – really? Woopdeedoo!
It’s all about whether the woman is ready or not. There’s no mystery about whether men are generally willing to sleep with a woman.
You’re a woman, so you already know it’s really not hard to find willing men for sex. It’s getting the commitment that’s hard work.
What do you think about all this?
Do you believe in encouraging women to have casual sex?
See you soon for part 2 of this series on “The Secret Cost for Women when they have casual sex”.