“Do you want to know why I never wear my wedding ring when I’m out? It’s because I don’t want desperate women hitting on me.”
– A faithful husband.
Why do women date married men? What’s the psychology of women who date married men?
There are some legitimate but concealed reasons why women like married men.
Sometimes, even though a woman started off as a morally upstanding person, she finds herself joining the club of women who sleep with married men.
Yes it’s taboo, yes sometimes it’s selfish, but it exists. And that’s why we should try to understand this phenomenon.
When we understand the psychology of women who date married men, we become more aware and able to prepare ourselves for what actually exists around us.
Why Do Women Like Married Men: This Is Why
Secretly many women may admit that there can be a specific allure about a man who is married.
No one likes to hear it (least of all the married women of the world), but when you juxtapose a married man and a single man, the perceived value of the married man may come out on top.
And this is what this is about in the end: perceived value.
But can’t these women just leave married men alone? And can’t married men just leave single women alone?
Well, not really. We don’t live in a fair or moral world.
We live in a real world, and we can kick and scream all we want about not wanting women to steal our husbands away, but I think the smarter idea would be to just become more aware of why women choose married men (and why some married men keep women on the side) in the first place.
So let’s look at the 11 hush-hush reasons why women date married men.
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#1: Married men are preselected by another woman.
…so that takes the guesswork out of it.
Whilst a woman’s value is much easier for a man to see (men use visual cues and can ascertain a woman’s value just by looking at her), a man’s value takes time for a woman to ascertain.
Also, when a woman ascertains a man’s overall value, the weight of that judgement (percentage wise) doesn’t preferentially fall on external looks like it does for men.
The value of a man goes far beyond just his looks, and it can take time as well as careful investigation to conclude how much value a man really has to a woman.
This makes married men easy picking fruits.
That is to say that another woman has already casted her vote (and devoted her energy and time to him), so that is insurance against bad choices for a mistress.
#2: Mate Choice Copying…
…Yep. You read that right. Mate choice copying.
If you marry a decent man, other women want to copy your choice in husband (and this is especially true if you’re super hot yourself).
If the woman is super gorgeous, other women want to know more about the mystery of why she chose the husband that she chose (because hot women have more options, so the husband they choose must be extra valuable).
This sense of mystery is arousing for some women. Not to mention, when you posses value in your life (or when your behaviour and actions seem to be of value)…there will quickly be a line of copy-cats behind you.
And perhaps those copy cats will be other women wanting to take a piece of your husband for themselves.
Because husbands are for sharing, right?
Well – no.
But some women may think so!
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#3: it’s an easy option for lazy women.
Ok so not every woman who dates a married man is lazy.
But sometimes women do date married men because they’re too lazy to bother looking for a worthy single man, because single men can take effort, and married men are more experienced with women.
Some women who date married men may be too lazy to invest time, emotional energy and effort into a good (but seemingly not good enough) single man.
See: a lot of behaviours that are intuitive and instinctive to men, are not acceptable to women. That is to say that a lot of the things men do naturally can be a turn off to women.
So boys grow up having to learn the ropes.
The ropes of how to become acceptable and worthy of the attention of females.
Here’s something to note:
Men learn to modulate their behaviour to the benefit of women through being with women and being around women.
Although not all married men are high value, in general I believe it to be true that married men have already been ‘broken in’, so to speak.
Men who are married have more experience with what women will and will not accept. These men may be less awkward and therefore less ‘work’ for a woman.
So to an extent it is true that choosing a single man could mean more energy invested into “moulding” this man into something “acceptable”.
Whereas lots of married men are already acceptable and know all the right things to say and do. This is convenient for certain women.
#4: He Came On Strong And Seduced Her.
However true it may be that some ladies try to avoid married men, sometimes a married man in their proximity (in their workplace, in the friendship group etc), pursues them relentlessly.
Some married men have a lot of game. They know what works with women (and they get good at attracting women for sex).
This does not in any way take away the responsibility of the woman to say ‘no’ to him.
But we know we don’t live in an ideal world, right?
In the ideal world, a woman in this position would have the integrity to say ‘no’.
But as I’ve said before, people usually do what’s best for themselves.
So we can’t trust all people to follow social etiquette. The reality is that a lot of women find it hard to detach from the attention they get from a married man.
They are needy of the attention and the sex, so they fall into the trap of the man’s game.
When you’re not independent of men giving you attention, when you need it badly, you become an easy target.
See how easy it can be for a woman who is vulnerable to become one of the women who sleep with married men?
And yes, some married men will stay married and still have a lot of ‘game’ to pick up women on the side.
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#5: She Doesn’t Want To Be Tied Down
…Or she wants to be able to date and sleep with other men.
Since a married man is already taken, a woman has less responsibility to him.
Depending on her mating goals – she can potentially achieve what she wants with a married man, without having to invest too much of her time and energy.
That leftover time and energy can then go to an old flame that she’s still attached to, or to some other men that she wishes to keep on the side.
There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
#6: Ego Boosting Through Intra-sexual competition.
This one is one of the most fascinating insights into the psychology of women who date married men.
It’s not always just about her, it can also be about that other woman over there (the one they secretly hate or envy).
Enter the topic of intra-sexual competition.
What is intrasexual competition?
Female intrasexual competition is competition between women over a potential mate. Such competition might include self-promotion, derogation of other women, and direct and indirect aggression toward other women.
There are many women out there who secretly love the thought of winning another woman’s man.
Especially if they deem his wife to be not pretty enough, nice enough or sexual enough.
(Because if they think a man has an ugly wife, then a “prettier” woman is most definitely more deserving of that husband….right?)
Lol, not really.
But it actually depends on who you ask, as some women do secretly feel entitled like that.
Simply put, the aggression involved in intra-sexual competition spurs some ladies on in their mission to win over a married man.
And when they win him over, the sex is even more exciting.
The subconscious desire is for a feeling of superiority. It’s a ‘win’ over another woman.
Women who do this can then take this newfound self esteem and feel worthy enough to attract another high value man. (The self esteem is surface and short-term, mind you.)
This is all very awkward, I know. But it’s an important insight for those of us who want to unravel the psychology of women who date married men.
Yes, some women enjoy witnessing (or imagining) the pain of the woman who lost her man. Call it schadenfreude, call it hatred, or even envy.
Or maybe psychopathic?
Regardless of what you call it, it’s here to stay.
(This is also one reason why you’ll see some women seduce a married man and dump him promptly when she ‘wins’ him over).
Maybe they are even in the lucky minority who manage to get a married man to leave his wife – but it’s no longer exciting once he becomes attainable.
Because remember: it was never about the relationship. It was never about falling in love. It was about superficial excitement and her own self satisfaction and ego.
This may be a dark reality of human nature, but as women we all know it’s true that there are plenty of women out there who don’t give two hoots about how you feel.
This excludes the good natured women and our good female friends, of course.
But there’s always haters who want to see you fail or want even a piece of your pie.
For example’s sake: if you’re a woman with money, other women may be envious of your money and will feel happy if you lose it, because they believe you don’t deserve to be happier than them.
If you’re a woman with good looks, they want to bring attention to your flaws, because they don’t perceive themselves to be able to compare.
Similarly, if you’re a woman who has an amazing man, rather than respect your choice in a man and wish for the best for you, some women would rather take a piece of your pie.
This is a normal part of human nature, however much we don’t like it.
There’s always people whom we don’t even know who may want what you have for themselves.
I’ve learned to accept it, respect it, be grateful for what I do have, and use the dark reality of human nature to the advantage of my relationship. (The last time I expressed similar sentiments to this, I was called a home-wrecker myself. Despite being faithfully married for…well, basically for an eternity).
#7: The Drama Of Dating A Married Man Fills Them Up
All women want to fill up with a range of emotions on a daily basis. To be able to access the whole range of emotions from despair to ecstasy is a wonderful experience for a woman.
However, instead of looking for healthy ways to experience this ebb and flow of emotion, some women find this experience in dating a married man.
They know it’s not good for them, but they are addicted to the highs and lows of dating a married man.
#8: They Don’t Feel Worthy Of Full Access To A Man’s Resources
For some women, it’s about the fact that they don’t feel capable and worthy enough to find a man who cherishes them and belongs solely to them.
This is also the reason why some women tolerate polyamory.
The women who know that they’re worthy of full commitment from a high value man, wouldn’t even consider a married man or a polyamorous relationship.
I mean the concept would be laughable to them.
But some women do not feel that way, even if they are not yet aware of it themselves.
Perhaps she has a deep fear of abandonment, and doesn’t want to risk her emotions or time with a fully available, single man.
A married man belongs to someone else already, so can he really “leave” you?
Perhaps he can – I mean he can leave you for his wife – but deep down most women are aware that a married man is not (and cannot) be fully available to her.
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#9: The Married Man Tricked Her And Used Her
Sometimes married men pretend they’re not married, and seduce a woman for their own pleasure.
This is why it’s important to stop men coming on too strong, before they overwhelm you with their ‘game’ and/or use you.
In this situation, some women become too attached to pull away quickly and stop dating a married man.
Sure, she may want to. She may know it’s the right thing to do, but her emotions and her body are already attached.
So it may take her more time to distance herself from a married man.
#10: She’s Not Actually Capable Of True Intimacy
This is a more obvious reason why women date married men.
She’s emotionally unavailable. If you’re not sure whether you’re an emotionally unavailable woman – I’ve included a way to figure out whether you are or not in this article.
As a woman, when you’re emotionally available, when you’re comfortable with emotional and physical intimacy, then a single, available man is far more attractive to you than a ‘taken’ man.
Some women are just turned on by the uncertainty and unpredictability of being with a married man…which I understand, but this is not a sign of healthy attachment patterns.
Nor is it emotionally healthy for her.
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
But a lot of women don’t even realise that they are tolerating a man’s lack of commitment.
A lot of women tolerate married men using them for sex. This is because they are more comfortable pushing a man away or keeping him at a comfortable distance.
Additionally, due to the way they were raised, they may not be fluent in the language of emotional intimacy.
So they replace intimacy with superficial excitement: which dating a married man will always provide.
#11: Money And Generosity.
Married men are often already in the habit of spending on their wives, so they have a proven track record of spending money on their wife, and a proven record of generosity (to an extent).
Strictly speaking, women assume that married men have stronger “generosity” muscles because they have to work out their generosity muscle regularly with their wife.
Also, if you’re a married man with money that you’re willing to spend, and you like the thrill of new women sexually, guess what?
There are plenty of women out there who will spend time with you and have sex with you. Women are attracted to generous men.
Also, men with money that they’re willing to spend don’t come along very often for women.
Even rich men can be hesitant to just squander their money on a mistress. Especially if he’s self-made.
(Self-made men understand the value and power of their precious capital), thus most of them will think twice about spending it on a mistress.
So when a rich man comes along who is willing to spend his money without much resistance, there’s always women waiting on the sidelines.
Women have always loved men with resources, and that’s not about to change anytime soon.
For some women, it’s better to date a married man with plenty of money to offer – even if you have to share that money with his wife – than to date an average single man.
Here’s a truth about life:
Wherever there are resources, you’ll see people.
Whenever there are men with money that they’re willing to spend, you’ll see women.
Why Do Women Date Married Men? It Isn’t Common To Find Men With Resources
In this world, there are plenty of men. In fact, roughly 51% of the babies born in the world are males, and this percentage has remained similar throughout history (with increases during and after wars).
However, only a small percentage of these men carry most of the wealth (I’m excluding women who carry wealth here because we’re talking about men).
Most men make average money and can’t really afford to spend it on their mistresses (and if they do, it’s something their wife notices quickly!)
However, there are some rich men with money who are “happily” married, but also happy to spend a little of their money on women on the side.
This is attractive to some women. Women who sleep with married men sometimes fall for a generous married man over falling for the single, (perhaps sexy) but not as generous man.
And of course, sometimes women just want access to money. Understandably, some women feel like they need the extra cash.
Even if it’s only a tiny percentage of the money that a man makes, some women are happy to have access to it in return for fun.
We’re getting into sugar daddy territory now. But women who sleep with married men aren’t always in a sugar daddy situation.
Sometimes the married man’s generosity with money (along with other attractive qualities) legitimately attracted her into a passionate affair with him.
So that concludes the 11 answers to why do women date married men? I’m sure I’ve missed some reasons why women date married men…
I’m sure you may have some other reasons to add to this list. Can you help out? Please kindly share any more reasons you know in the comments below.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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