If He Loves You More Than You Love Him, Is It Worth A Chance?
I have been following your blog and it has changed my life significantly. Thank you.
I recently met a guy who I believe truly loves me, the problem is, He has a lot of habits I used to have but worked really hard on myself to quit.（ex. talking too much)
If I am being honest, am not sure I love this man but I realized I have been too picky with men.
This guy calls me, checks up and tells me he loves me often (too often even).
Should I give him a chance?
I began to reply to you in the comments on my blog, but figured I would respond in a blog post, so here it is!
This is such an important topic and your question is a good one. Yet I’m going to start by suggesting that you are either saying one of two things here:
1: You are considering giving this man a chance because of a lack of better options around. (Because let’s face it, if there was a 10/10 man at your front door right now, interested in you, you wouldn’t even be considering this man whom you don’t really love)
2: You could be saying that this man actually has ‘potential’ to be a High Value mate, yet, you really have an issue with being too judgemental of men. And – you being judgemental puts your guard up, closes you off, and stops you from forming beautiful, spontaneous connections with men.
Which one are you saying? They are two different situations. However, what is interesting is that you can utilise situation number 1 to potentially raise your value and hope that you will soon enough attract a man who is High Value (or an 8/10 and above) in to your life.
You might not really desire this man, but ask yourself the question – could you and do you want to consider spending some time with him, practicing your connection skills, so that you become more skillful and confident at connecting and playing? All for the purpose of raising your value so that you can attract the mate that you want?
Some would suggest that this behaviour would be leading a man on. And I guess that could be true. However, if you wanted to try and genuinely connect with him, and after a short time cut it off (if you truly feel that you both do not have a genuine, unique connection), there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with having given it a go – as long as your intention was to connect. Why? Because if your intention is to connect, then you would naturally cut him off when you feel the time is right, and you won’t go around hurting anybody.
A genuine desire to connect with also help you to be more finely attuned to the situation, which a lot of people are not these days.
Could your judgement be a possible blockage to connection?
I would suggest that you don’t want to give a man a chance ‘for the sake of it’ . However, what you said about being picky is smart and important – what if you remove the judgement of his behaviour completely for a week, and connect with him heart-to-heart, and really have a true intent to connect, and feel him, and feel how you feel around him?
If you (like many of us women) are too quick to judge men who don’t immediately give the impression of High mate value, then that judgemental habit can potentially (key word: potentially, because sometimes you really don’t want to give low value men any chances at all) – but a judgemental habit can be a blockage to having true vulnerable, spontaneous, heart-open connection with someone. And you could end up alone because of it.
On the other hand, you need to really reach inside, and feel yourself. Is your body truly telling you ‘no’ to this man? Do you intuitively feel – and know – that he is low value, but you just think you should give him a chance for no good reason other than it fits your identity of giving things a go? Because that can be a real waste of time.
The other thing you need to be aware of is just not to jump into giving him a chance just to take value only because he’s the only man who is currently offering you anything. In this case, the words “give him a chance” is really just code for: see if you should take the mediocre value he is offering since there’s no better option in men around?
Do it for the connection, not to take attention and value
Having said that, I am not saying that you should disregard him altogether. You could give him a chance, but on one basis only: for the reason that you could practice having vulnerable connection with him until it no longer feels right to continue.
Don’t force a relationship just because he likes you and is being generous with his attention, because chances are, he may not even truly love you, he could be looking for sex.
You mentioned: “This guy calls me, checks up and tells me he loves me often (too often even)” – RED FLAG. Where is the red flag? It is in the way you said he might check up on you ‘too often’. Coupled with the fact that you don’t really love this man, the fact that you’re saying that you don’t really love this man, this all presents a possible problem.
Here’s what I mean: If you say he’s doing it ‘too often’, then it could mean these things:
1: He is not attuned to you (he doesn’t really care where you’re at), he’s just looking for sex or something casual.
2: He just wants to take value because he senses that you like the attention, and you liking the attention means you could be a sexual opportunity. When we are blinded by our own need for attention, we can easily become prey to men.
No, I’m not pointing the finger here, cause I know that women generally enjoy attention from men – the only issue with that is when our need to take attention from the world is so great that we ignore our body’s messages to us (intuition) and ignore the truth of what’s happening right in front of our eyes.
Men who are High Value, who are genuinely falling in love, or feeling a real connection with you, won’t ‘check up on you too often’ in a way that makes you feel like it is ‘too often’ or ‘too much’. Because they don’t need to! They can have women whenever they want. They’ll sense the lack of enthusiasm on your part, and they will usually accept it or leave with grace. A High Value man will simply move on.
Check out this article on The Two Traits of Women That Men Routinely Fall In Love With.
The answer here really is: If you feel like you can go ahead with him, purely for the reason that you enjoy practising to connect, then you could consider doing that.
Other than that – don’t waste his time and yours, I say, if you’re only doing it for lack of better options in your life right now. I don’t say that because you’d be leading him on, I say it for your benefit. I say it because of the fact that you’d only be perpetuating your own habit of ‘settling for whatever scraps you can get’. That is a dangerous habit to get stuck in, because it keeps you low value.
Do you have a hole from the past that needs to be filled with attention?
At some point, many of us, (you and I included) have to look deep within, and ask ourselves this:
“Is it him that I want the attention from? Or am I just missing attention from when I was a little girl, and desperately want to fill that void now?”
If you didn’t receive enough attention as a little girl, or if you DID receive plenty of attention, but for whatever reason, you didn’t actually let yourself receive that attention to the fullest (which is true of most women, because we are coy and pretend we don’t need attention so that other women don’t hate us), then you’re in trouble.
You need to revisit old memories and fill that hole that is labelled ‘Attention from people’ up before you take the next turn in the dating market. Just so that you feel that you’ve received attention in abundance in this lifetime.
If you don’t take the time to do this, to add value to yourself, you will keep making decisions that eat away at your chances of genuinely falling in love and meeting ‘the one’.
At the end of the day, this is what all this stuff is really about: adding value to yourself. That’s the very best thing you can do, so that you can walk tall, proud and live in a body that you are proud of.
I hope this helped. 🙂
P.S. Here’s a quiz we created that will help you answer, “How Feminine Am I?”