Article updated 2020.
Do Men REALLY Hate Drama?
What does it cost you to just accept the conventional wisdom that:
“Men don’t like drama.”
Well, I can suggest this: it costs you one or all of these two things:
1) The ability to express your authentic feelings to a man because you’re afraid he will run, thinking you are a “drama queen”. Pretending everything is ok rarely makes everything ok, does it?
2) It costs you a very important part of yourself: the drama queen part of you that actually makes things/problems/events BIGGER than they really are.
With number 2? It’s in the nature of the feminine energy to make things BIGGER. You didn’t need me to tell you that.
Otherwise, where did the words “drama queen” come from?
Do you know who ACTUALLY hates drama from women? Or uses the term “drama queen” as a way of putting a woman down?
And that’s two types of women:
The first type: the woman who thinks she needs to be strong, tough, STRAIGHT, right, ‘head screwed on’, ‘never needy’ and totally awesomely LIKED by all men. But, usually, in a relationship with none of them (alarm bells?).
The second type: The women who HATES other women for being drama queens, when really, they just feel jealous or threatened inside.
Well, because they perceive that drama queens steal attention from them. Or perhaps that drama queens are getting attention: something they don’t feel they have. The drama queens seem to get all the attention. Doesn’t mean it’s a good type of attention, but it’s still attention.
Might I suggest, it’s WOMEN who perpetuate the idea that men don’t like drama. And we’re good at it, aren’t we?
After all, if we keep telling all our friends not to be drama queens, then we can reserve some of the attention for ourselves. And, TALKING and bitching about another person who is a drama queen in effect, is still bringing attention to ourselves, right? It’s just from a different person. (read my article about boring women)
There’s a purpose to being a drama queen:
There’s a purpose for why the feminine energy actually makes things bigger: it’s because people pay attention when you dramatise things. The Anthropologist Helen Fisher has said in her book ‘Why We Love’, that tears actually serve a purpose. It’s very hard to fake crying, according to Helen Fisher, and it serves a purpose because historically, when women are upset, and crying, people would come to their aid, and the tribe would not like that one of their women is not happy (one unhappy woman can affect dozens of others in a group, wouldn’t you agree?) and they would rally together with that woman and get revenge.
On the other hand: when there were no laws, the MALE way of dealing with pain in a relationship (especially when he’s been cuckolded) is to kill. Women kill and abuse men too. However, most of the time, women’s retaliation is more inconspicuous and complicated than that.
Women use tears, bitching, dramatising. Also, a lot of a woman’s pain, anger or hurt is expressed through the way she ignores or doesn’t ignore someone – in the way she hands them a cup of tea or a glass of water. DRAMA.
And, it works.
It serves an evolutionary purpose. That’s why we women are sometimes so annoyed by it (because we are naturally compelled to react to it) and also so driven by it.
I’d suggest to you that it’s much like hearing a baby cry. If you’re anything like me, you can’t help but respond to it by either wanting to take care of it, coo to it, or get irritated by it. Babies don’t have such high pitched wails for no reason. It’s so that we would do something to stop them from wailing, otherwise it will drive us crazy if it keeps going.
What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…
Feminine energy NEEDS Attention to shine
Feminine energy NEEDS attention to shine. If we don’t have it from a man, we look for it. What we FEEL we don’t have, we seek out. The LESS attention we have, the more we want it, and the more desperate we can seem to get it. (Note: often, we already have attention, we just don’t think we do, or we take it for granted).
On the other hand, if you were to say to a frown, masculine man: “YOU need more attention!” he’d be confused, back off, or be OFFENDED. Annoyed. I did say masculine man. Lots of young boys or men still crave attention (perhaps from the people they feel they never got it from), but the masculine energy doesn’t thrive on attention; it thrives on challenge.
See, masculine men make things smaller.
Ever tried to tell a man your problems and he cuts you off short and says “well, just do this.” or “well, why did you do THAT?” or “Why don’t you change this?” Problem solved, right?
No! Problem not solved! Not at least in the mind of a feminine woman. (Click here to take the quiz “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)
Good or Bad Attention?
Now, the attention that drama queens get – is it a good attention?
Not if you’re dramatising things because you want validation all the time. Because then people just feel like you want to TAKE from them.
Not if you’re doing it because you want to take. Not if you’re doing it because what you’ve learned along the way is that you can get attention around the CLOCK if you’re dramatising and making out that there is something wrong all the time.
I don’t blame you, I have made this mistake, and it’s a mistake that’s easy to make when you’re feeling down and don’t want to get yourself out of the rut.
But, hey, if you always reject the drama queen inside you, then who’s going to take care of her? Nobody, right?
If you reject her completely, then how can you have any fun at all? How can you be real?
This drama queen of yours; she’ll just be sitting in the corner, feeling unloved, and feeling unappreciated. And most of all: feeling judged. And feeling worthless. (Click here to get your “Goddess Report”)
What I really don’t want you to do, is reject the part of you that is a drama queen. We all have one. The longer you suppress it, the more ‘tight’, rigid, and controlling your whole aura will be to men. Because you’re spending all the energy just making a part of yourself wrong. (read my article on passive aggressive women)
So do some men hate drama queens?
Some men don’t like drama queens, yes. But only if they don’t understand it. Only if they don’t get that the feminine energy makes things bigger, and more serious than they are. Those men can be frustrating to deal with because they don’t want to understand your feelings, they just want to get the conversations over with ASAP.
So if you are wondering how a man could fall for a drama queen at all, and how “drama” can actually serve your relationship, I’ll give you a good example. Julia Roberts in the movie The Mexican. It’s a funny scene at the start of the movie, you can check it out here:
What men really hate – and it’s not Drama
What do men really hate?
They hate being a scratching post for gossip and hateful talk that doesn’t make them feel like you care. That doesn’t actually involve you giving him any energy, or trust, or openness.
When he’s in the living room, and you enter, not even looking at him, talking in the opposite direction about a woman at work who is a total bitch to you and how much you wish she would leave the office and never come back (how does that involve him again? How does that even involve your relationship together?)
A man wants to feel YOU. If he’s your man. If he likes you at all.
And the thing men really hate is feeling like you are just taking from them. Just blaming him without giving him any energy or openness about your feelings. Just taking, taking, taking.
Express yourself, express your real, raw, emotions, whilst being totally THERE with him. Involve him. Don’t BLAME him and therefore SEPARATE you both.
Make it so he knows you’re a part of him, a part of the team and that yes, you might actually need him around. That he is important to you.
TELL him you’re hurt, that when that happened it made you feel afraid, unloved, ANGRY, shocked.
I’ll tell you a secret: men like your authentic expression of emotions, even if your emotions seem out of control – IF they understand it and IF they are attracted to you.
Because, it means she is invested in HIM.
Here’s the best way to look at it: what’s the first thing you do when you lose interest in a man? You stop caring. You stop investing any emotion in HIM. So you ignore him, stop replying to texts, or just use him for company every now and then.
If you struggle expressing your feelings with men, then here’s an article on how to be vulnerable without being NEEDY. Just to help you understand the true distinction between high value vulnerability and low value vulnerability.
And there’s also a very helpful video by my husband on High Value Vulnerability, explaining why it is the one specific emotional trigger that all men are hardwired to commit to – for life. You can get access to it here.
What if you’re still in the first 3 months of dating a man?
If you’ve only had a few dates with a man, don’t think you’re entitled to a whole bunch of attention just yet.
Remember what the point of dating is? It is to build attraction and connection. We teach you how to do that in our home study program Commitment Control 2.0. You can also register to watch our FREE Commitment Masterclass by clicking here.
Don’t be like a lot of women who feel desperate: act like a man should be committed to you after the first date and if he doesn’t call you 5 times THAT week, that he is “making excuses” or “avoiding you” or “being selfish”.
It takes time to EARN the opportunity and the right to be that dramatic. It has to be an organic progression.
You need to prove your high value to him first, when you are dating. That’s the task for both men and women when they are dating. It’s not dependent on sex – it’s just the way we learn who is worth our time, energy and investment for the long-term.
If you don’t like the idea that we all need to show our high value first before we expect anything back, I have a gentle suggestion: don’t attempt to be in a relationship with a man. Don’t even bother with them. Just be by yourself. (which never works out, by the way, because deep down, we all crave the joy of being in a relationship with lots of attraction and connection). After all, he has to prove HIS value to you, too.
One more example…
And, some of the most popular and well-loved movies of all time are based around a dramatic storyline. Take the movie Vicki Cristina Barcelona for example. Penelope Cruz’s character was very dramatic. She was an extreme example of an emotional woman. But she’s also endearing, on some level. We can relate to her even if some of us hate her because we can’t stand the thought of being that out of control.
It’s interesting that in the movie, her ex still kept allowing her back in to his life and rescued her and spoke to lovingly of her even after they broke up. It’s not because men always love dealing with the drama; it’s because as imperfect as she seemed, she was still real and authentic to herself.
This is not to say that you should aim to be like her character in every way. After all, she’s an extreme example. But the way he took care of her gives you an idea that even a woman of that level of emotional crazy managed to secure this man’s (Javier Bardem the actor’s) emotional commitment for some time.
I think there’s a message in that.
If you think it’s just a movie and that it’s fictional – spare me. All movies (even fictional storylines) are based on life as it is.
If you liked this article, leave me a comment below telling me what you think! -XxX-
By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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