If you have been dating a man for less than 6 months, then it is likely that you are still in the process of proving your Value as a potential mate to one another, so you’ll need to be aware of how to maintain that High Value if you truly love the man you are with. That’s what this article is for.
High Value. It’s the reason people try to play hard to get, it’s the reason people try to be mysterious. It’s an attempt to preserve our value as a mate. Because Value matters. It’s EVERYTHING when it comes to attracting the best mate you possibly can. And to hell with anyone who says otherwise, because your future health and safety and your children’s future (if you want them) depends on how great your relationship is, and it depends on the quality of your man, and the quality of your man reflects how much High Value you show up with.
Attracting the man for you is absolutely crucial as a woman, so even more reasons for you to maintain your High Value. If you don’t give yourself the chance to explore what High Value is in a man’s mind, then you might end up in a more painful place than you could have imagined. And then resent other women for having something that you feel like you can’t have. Which then makes you feel lonely and sad.
It’s not about trying NOT to Push him Away
I know it seems like many relationship and dating advisers tell you that you can’t do ‘this’ or ‘that’ if he isn’t contacting you because it will “push him away”.
It’s true that we do many things from a place of fear as women, that in turn get a fearful response or a no response at all from men.
But that doesn’t mean that your focus should be on NOT pushing him further away. That just feeds your initial fear of him never coming back.
It’s like playing an endless game of tug of war where there is never a winner, because all there is on the other end is fear. It adds fuel to the fire, and you end up losing yourself in this awful spiral of fear and pain and anger. Nothing wrong with that at all. But when you’re dating a man, and you’re heavily invested in him, and you guys don’t trust each other yet, it MATTERS a lot how you show up.
If You FEEL scared and Desperate Inside…
So let’s say you are feeling desperate inside. Drafting text messages, too afraid to send them.
Or just sending abusive text messages.
Or just facebook stalking him.
Or stalking him in real life.
You want to stop. But you are so IN it you just can’t stop.
WHY isn’t he making contact? WHY isn’t he responding?
Well, I’m here to tell you, that it is OK to stop. To stop right now. To just stop obsessing.
Not because stalking or obsessing are wrong. They are not wrong. I understand it – sometimes, men bring out the absolute WORST stuff – they make us be this off the rails woman we never thought we were. You are not alone. Many women before you have tragically felt the pain of a man who withdrew from her.
Many women have had bleeding hearts because they loved a man and he disappeared for good.
In history, some women use their power of talk’ and the power of their negative emotions to get a cheating man killed.
Some women marry a man and that man sleeps with other women, or even rapes other women.
It is OK to feel ANY of the following things when a man isn’t contacting You:
I want you to know that it is ok that you feel ANY of these things when a man pulls away, becomes distant and cold, and just goes quiet:
– Anger beyond belief
– Feel like screaming
– Like your heart is being smashed in to pieces.
It’s all ok to feel. Becoming invested in a man is serious business and if it goes wrong, it hurts like hell.
How to Maintain Your High Value
BUT – you still want to maintain your High Value because that matters. It matters that you get the practice if you ever want a relationship with another man, and it matters if you really DO love and care for this current man you’re focused on.
So what do you do?
If you’ve somehow stopped to read this, that is a wonderful start. It shows you have amazing courage to stop and at least look for an answer. It’s safer than stalking a man and it’s less fear-based than snooping through his things – email, snail mail, his Facebook, car, whatever. Learn more on how you can deal with men pulling away here.
Here’s what steps to take to maintain High Value:
1) Start retreating to somewhere quiet and safe, and feel EVERYTHING.
Once you’ve spent days, maybe weeks, just taking certainty in feeling everything, you are able to ward off the tension you built up over the past and able to relax more in to who you really are – a feminine woman with deep radiance and depth of character (for more on femininity check out the fan page on Facebook where I give new, fresh advice that is quick to read).
What you are looking for when a man isn’t in close contact with you is a feeling of safety and certainty. We need to MEET that need for certainty, by getting you to retreat to somewhere safe to feel everything. Your feelings are your friend in this scenario. This will replace other Low Value behaviours for now. It will give you the strength and the base for building Higher Value within yourself.
Obsessive behaviour and Low Value behaviour happens when you still have residue feelings from the past that haven’t gotten out. Obsessing over him in ANY way is simply a way of blocking out the feelings.
You won’t deny that as a woman, it’s absolute ecstasy to be able to feel ANYTHING you want, and not be made wrong for doing so, right?
So if that’s true, then you need to muster the courage to provide yourself a safe place to feel.
– in a hot bath
– a hot shower
– in a dark, quiet room with a teddy
– under the covers.
It’s almost as if when a man doesn’t turn out to be the man we wished for, that it’s not ok for us to acknowledge our investment in him and actually FEEL the feelings.
Instead, we make him wrong because we’re angry that we got “humiliated” by getting involved and he didn’t reciprocate that depth that we yearned for.
Well, it is not humiliating to have been involved, and it is not stupid to have feelings over someone who doesn’t care about you. I don’t believe in that popular quote: “never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about You”. To me, that feels like total bullshit. It just fosters more ignorance of our own feelings and encourages more blocking out of feelings.
That’s too superficial. The reality is, you’re probably not hurt by MEN or this MAN directly anyway. Your hurt is most likely residue from your past. And that needs to get out. You need to be present with your feelings.
The certainty you seek by obsessing over him is a need that can be met through valuing feeling your feelings.
Don’t burden your relationships with what is residue from your past pains and betrayals. Do your very best to have the courage to feel unfelt anger and hurt from your past.
2) Go back to a moment in your past where you felt infinitely beautiful for just a split second. Have the guts to draw on that memory. Try not to be a scaredy cat and sink back into desperation and low self worth. It hurts everybody around you when you do that. Do you want to make others suffer like that? Are you that Low Value?
No, I don’t believe you are.
Think back to a moment where you felt infinitely beautiful. That beauty is who you truly are. You have plenty of radiant and alive energy to give to any man you bloody well wish. You just forgot you had it, so you thought you had to hang on to dear life to this one man.
Every time you feel the fear and the tension of ‘where is he?’ ‘why isn’t he calling?’ ‘why doesn’t he do what he says he will?’ – go right back to your aliveness that you were before you got hurt for the very first time in love.
This is internal resources. Something most people never gain for themselves.
What I would like you to see is that when you are full or the radiance and love that you already are, you will automatically decide to deflect undevoted men, and you will attract devoted men.
Because in THAT place, you are not in your old patterns. You’ll see other people’s true motivations more clearly. Not just your own blind needs.
You only get TOO FAR involved with an undevotional man when you are acting from past patterns you developed in order to survive as a child. If you have the courage to not seek approval, you’ll naturally emanate a grace and realness that men crave and women wish they had.
Remember, if your body and mind is tense and you can’t be present or stop for a minute, you are in fear and only trying to survive. This will lead you to do something that is Low Value.
3) If he does contact you, and you decide to communicate back to him, to be High Value you can do so by using a concept I call ‘Push and Pull’ in my program, Commitment Control.
It is a way of showing that you are High Value.
I’ll give you a quick example of what to say:
“You’re all over the place! Nah, kidding, you’re pretty directed/goal oriented sometimes.”
This Push and Pull strategy automatically begins the process of showing up as High Value because you have the courage to deliver a playful insult.
See, when we feel desperate and lonely, we CANNOT say something like this one I just gave you above.
And when we feel desperate and lonely, we run a higher risk of acting Low Value.
4) If it feels to you like he is distant, and you still want to reach out to him and not give up and maybe get some CLOSURE, then I have some safe strategies to use that make you show up as High Value without losing anything. You will know what to say to test how much he REALLY cares about you.
I want to let you know that this is not about you being perfect. Aiming for Perfect is still fear based.
This is NOT about trying to be ‘sweet’. I feel very misunderstood when women think I’m trying to tell them to be ‘sweet’ when a man makes contact after pulling away. I’m not telling you to be sweet. Being sweet is fake and I don’t think fake is necessarily valuable in the situation. You need to build intrinsic value by filling your need for certainty by taking solace in your feelings. At least when you’re in the early dating period (before 6 months).
If you’ve been dating regularly for longer than 6 months, and want to know why he pulls away and doesn’t contact you, try my article Why he Pulls Away when You Need him the Most and Why Men Pull Away.
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