If you have been dating a man for less than 6 months, then it is likely that you are still in the process of proving your Value as a potential mate to one another, so you’ll need to be aware of how to maintain that High Value if you truly love the man you are with. That’s what this article is for.

High Value. It’s the reason people try to play hard to get, it’s the reason people try to be mysterious. It’s an attempt to preserve our value as a mate. Because Value matters. It’s EVERYTHING when it comes to attracting the best mate you possibly can. And to hell with anyone who says otherwise, because your future health and safety and your children’s future (if you want them) depends on how great your relationship is, and it depends on the quality of your man, and the quality of your man reflects how much High Value you show up with.

Attracting the man for you is absolutely crucial as a woman, so even more reasons for you to maintain your High Value. If you don’t give yourself the chance to explore what High Value is in a man’s mind, then you might end up in a more painful place than you could have imagined. And then resent other women for having something that you feel like you can’t have. Which then makes you feel lonely and sad.

It’s not about trying NOT to Push him Away

I know it seems like many relationship and dating advisers tell you that you can’t do ‘this’ or ‘that’ if he isn’t contacting you because it will “push him away”.

It’s true that we do many things from a place of fear as women, that in turn get a fearful response or a no response at all from men.

But that doesn’t mean that your focus should be on NOT pushing him further away. That just feeds your initial fear of him never coming back.

It’s like playing an endless game of tug of war where there is never a winner, because all there is on the other end is fear. It adds fuel to the fire, and you end up losing yourself in this awful spiral of fear and pain and anger. Nothing wrong with that at all. But when you’re dating a man, and you’re heavily invested in him, and you guys don’t trust each other yet, it MATTERS a lot how you show up.

If You FEEL scared and Desperate Inside…

So let’s say you are feeling desperate inside. Drafting text messages, too afraid to send them.

Or just sending abusive text messages.

Or just facebook stalking him.

Or stalking him in real life.

You want to stop. But you are so IN it you just can’t stop.

WHY isn’t he making contact? WHY isn’t he responding?

Well, I’m here to tell you, that it is OK to stop. To stop right now. To just stop obsessing.

Not because stalking or obsessing are wrong. They are not wrong. I understand it – sometimes, men bring out the absolute WORST stuff – they make us be this off the rails woman we never thought we were. You are not alone. Many women before you have tragically felt the pain of a man who withdrew from her.

Many women have had bleeding hearts because they loved a man and he disappeared for good.

In  history, some women use their power of talk’ and the power of their negative emotions to get a cheating man killed.

Some women marry a man and that man sleeps with other women, or even rapes other women.

It is OK to feel ANY of the following things when a man isn’t contacting You:

I want you to know that it is ok that you feel ANY of these things when a man pulls away, becomes distant and cold, and just goes quiet:

– Suicidal

– Terrified

– Anger beyond belief

– Abusive

– Feel like screaming

– Hateful

– Jealous

– Obsessive

– Like your heart is being smashed in to pieces.

It’s all ok to feel. Becoming invested in a man is serious business and if it goes wrong, it hurts like hell.

How to Maintain Your High Value

BUT – you still want to maintain your High Value because that matters. It matters that you get the practice if you ever want a relationship with another man, and it matters if you really DO love and care for this current man you’re focused on.

So what do you do?

If you’ve somehow stopped to read this, that is a wonderful start. It shows you have amazing courage to stop and at least look for an answer. It’s safer than stalking a man and it’s less fear-based than snooping through his things – email, snail mail, his Facebook, car, whatever. Learn more on how you can deal with men pulling away here. 

Here’s what steps to take to maintain High Value:

1) Start retreating to somewhere quiet and safe, and feel EVERYTHING.

Once you’ve spent days, maybe weeks, just taking certainty in feeling everything, you are able to ward off the tension you built up over the past and able to relax more in to who you really are – a feminine woman with deep radiance and depth of character (for more on femininity check out the fan page on Facebook where I give new, fresh advice that is quick to read).

What you are looking for when a man isn’t in close contact with you is a feeling of safety and certainty. We need to MEET that need for certainty, by getting you to retreat to somewhere safe to feel everything. Your feelings are your friend in this scenario. This will replace other Low Value behaviours for now. It will give you the strength and the base for building Higher Value within yourself.

(Click here to take the quiz “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Obsessive behaviour and Low Value behaviour happens when you still have residue feelings from the past that haven’t gotten out. Obsessing over him in ANY way is simply a way of blocking out the feelings.

You won’t deny that as a woman, it’s absolute ecstasy to be able to feel ANYTHING you want, and not be made wrong for doing so, right?

So if that’s true, then you need to muster the courage to provide yourself a safe place to feel.

– in a hot bath

– a hot shower

– in a dark, quiet room with a teddy

– under the covers.

It’s almost as if when a man doesn’t turn out to be the man we wished for, that it’s not ok for us to acknowledge our investment in him and actually FEEL the feelings.

Instead, we make him wrong because we’re angry that we got “humiliated” by getting involved and he didn’t reciprocate that depth that we yearned for.

Well, it is not humiliating to have been involved, and it is not stupid to have feelings over someone who doesn’t care about you. I don’t believe in that popular quote: “never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about You”. To me that feels like total bullshit. It just fosters more ignorance of our own feelings and encourages more blocking out of feelings.

That’s too superficial. The reality is, you’re probably not hurt by MEN or this MAN directly anyway. Your hurt is most likely residue from your past. And that needs to get out. You need to be present with your feelings.

The certainty you seek by obsessing over him is a need that can be met through valuing feeling your feelings. 

Don’t burden your relationships with what is residue from your past pains and betrayals. Do your very best to have the courage to feel unfelt anger and hurt from your past.

2) Go back to a moment in your past where you felt infinitely beautiful for just a split second. Have the guts to draw on that memory. Try not to be a scaredy cat and sink back in to desperation and low self worth. It hurts everybody around you when you do that. Do you want to make others suffer like that? Are you that Low Value?

No, I don’t believe you are.

Think back to a moment where you felt infinitely beautiful. That beauty is who you truly are. You have plenty of radiant and alive energy to give to any man you bloody well wish. You just forgot you had it, so you thought you had to hang on to dear life to this one man.

Every time you feel the fear and the tension of ‘where is he?’ ‘why isn’t he calling?’ ‘why doesn’t he do what he says he will?’ – go right back to your aliveness that you were before you got hurt for the very first time in love.

This is internal resources. Something most people never gain for themselves.

What I would like you to see is that when you are full or the radiance and love that you already are, you will automatically decide to deflect undevoted men, and you will attract devoted men.


Because in THAT place, you are not in your old patterns. You’ll see other people’s true motivations more clearly. Not just your own blind needs.

You only get TOO FAR involved with an undevotional man when you are acting from past patterns you developed in order to survive as a child. If you have the courage to not seek approval, you’ll naturally emanate a grace and realness that men crave and women wish they had.

Remember, if your body and mind is tense and you can’t be present or stop for a minute, you are in fear and only trying to survive. This will lead you to do something that is Low Value.

3) If he does contact you, and you decide to communicate back to him, to be High Value you can do so by using a concept I call ‘Push and Pull’ in my program, Commitment Control.

It is a way of showing that you are High Value.

I’ll give you a quick example of what to say:

“You’re all over the place! Nah, kidding, you’re pretty directed/goal oriented sometimes.”

This Push and Pull strategy automatically begins the process of showing up as High Value because you have the courage to deliver a playful insult.

See, when we feel desperate and lonely, we CANNOT say something like this one I just gave you above.

And when we feel desperate and lonely, we run a higher risk of acting Low Value.

4) If it feels to you like he is distant, and you still want to reach out to him and not give up and maybe get some CLOSURE, then I have some safe strategies to use that make you show up as High Value without losing anything. You will know what to say to test how much he REALLY cares about you.

I want to let you know that this is not about you being perfect. Aiming for Perfect is still fear based.

This is NOT about trying to be ‘sweet’. I feel very misunderstood when women think I’m trying to tell them to be ‘sweet’ when a man makes contact after pulling away. I’m not telling you to be sweet. Being sweet is fake and I don’t think fake is necessarily valuable in the situation. You need to build intrinsic value by filling your need for certainty by taking solace in your feelings. At least when you’re in the early dating period (before 6 months).

If you’ve been dating regularly for longer than 6 months, and want to know why he pulls away and doesn’t contact you, try my article Why he Pulls Away when You Need him the Most and Why Men Pull Away.



Other Related Articles…

Leave a Reply

67 Comments on "How to Maintain Your High Value when He doesn’t Contact You"

newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Jenni Lee

Thanks for some real advice that doesn’t tell women how to be perfect for men, but rather to be okay with themselves.

You want a man to love you for you, not for you you’ve become to catch a man.

If you change everything about yourself to be desirable to men, are you really genuine?

I say no. And all this shitty advice out there is telling women what to be, how to be a lady. There’s nothing worse than seeing a man tell women how to be women. Grrrr.

Amanda Tillman
Hello Renee, I’m all over the place. Me and my boyfriend have known one another for years. We dated and lived together 10 years ago. Well throught the years we have both been in horrible relationships that did a lot of damage. We have only been together for a few months… He had just gotten out of a 7 year damaging relationship two months prior to our relationship. And he had lost his son to AIDS in November (I also lost a child 3 years ago) I know now that we rushed into things too soon.. But now feelings and… Read more »
Juanita Juniper

You should go. You have spent enough time wasted on dead-end, uncompromising, and hurtful people. I think it’s best to be alone sometimes for awhile.

Hello Ladies, I am just making an observation when looking at your posts on this topic. I have to tell you that getting intimate with a man (sexually) is not a good idea BEFORE you clarify that BOTH of you are in a commitment. You should ALWAYS discuss your needs and his needs and expectations before sex. It also helps to wait as long as it takes to see really what kind of man the guy is before sex. He will show you his intentions through his actions ALWAYS. Go off of his actions (not what he says) and feel… Read more »
hi ladies!! I must first of all say thank you to Renee- were it not for this page that I came across yesterday I am sure I would have really have done something stupid. For the first time in my life, I am reading stuff that hits home, the descriptions are so true as if I wrote them. In previous relationships, if a day goes by without communication then already that meant he didnt want me and I am sure I pushed a lot of guys away by doing that. The longer he stays away the angrier I get and… Read more »

Set boundaries for yourself – expectations you have of the people you will ALLOW to be in your life. One of mine is – if you’re going to date me, and I’m going to take myself off the market for you, then you better be capable of taking MY needs into consideration. It’s all well and good to be empathetic and understanding, but you HAVE to make sure you aren’t putting others before yourself.

Juanita Juniper

I love the way you explained that “if you are going to date me, and I’M GOING TO TAKE MYSELF OFF THE MARKET FOR YOU,

Hi! I met a guy from Turkey in an Erasmus plus project in Greece (July) , and i liked him from first. But i am very shy and we didn’t talk at all while the project. But…. we played tennis and we danced on turkish music in the last night of the project. When i went back home to Romania , i’ve put a photo(Fb) where the description was ,, You will be mine , or you’ll be dead” , sentence that i’ve wroted on his paper (every person wrote on personalized papers something about that person) , but without… Read more »
I met this guy almost 4 months ago while he was in town for a weekend. He works on yachts and travels a lot and is away from his home (the city I live) for months at a time. We met and hit it off and had an amazing night. He told me he wanted to take me out on a date when he was back in town. He made contact with me when he could while he was away and he held true to his word and took me out on a date when he returned, which was 3… Read more »

Hi, you need to read the book ‘why men love bitches’

I don’t think you should’ve sent him a message asking to clarify your relationship status. You’re as much in control as he is and you shouldn’t give him all the power.

S.m. Benson

You were asking for clarity, better than keep worrying. If he can’t answer, he’s not for you. Sorry. There are better men out there. Prayers and hugs you’ll get through this. Oh and Lara, heather is NOT a bitch. omg— Lara, look in the mirror and ask yourself, would you like to called that really? Think before your speak.

Hi! I met this guy in a dating site and we have been talking through skype for a month and decided to meet I’m attracted to him so we are already intimate on the first date. calling and chatting for a month but lately we have been distant to each other because he told me that he is seeing other girls but nothing happened it hurts because he’s still open for option. He told me that he likes me a lot! He cares for me and I’m a great person but knowing that he still date other girls hurt me.… Read more »


i meet this guy i been seeing him for 4 months now everytime he travel for work he don’t contact with me but he is not my boyfriend but we love each other. what should i do should i give up or still waiting?

Hi Renee, Thanks as always for the great post. The “no contact” period when a man withdraws is the most challenging for any woman including my self. I have been through this and we tend to resort to all kinds of low value activities to get his attention like email, texting, manipulation, creating jealousy etc. and when nothing seems to work, we become more and more frustrated and keep this vicious cycle going. The more we try to contact, the more a man feels withdrawing because he can sense our neediness and manipulation. It is hard to loose an object… Read more »
Hi Rene, Can you outline the process as to how to go about feeling all the emotions?… I think I do feel them despite continuously trying NOT to feel them and the pain is too much to stand… I can’t stand the hurt… And I feel like it KEEPS coming back… and I can’t find a single source… What do you do to try and get them to just come at you one time, experience it all and then find peace… There have been times after a heart break that I spent days in bed sobbing and my body convulsing… Read more »
Hi Alicia Just wanna say : how well put of you, what you said really hit the spot for me totally. Thanks and… stay strong! You dont have to ‘do’ anything, with the right guy, he will make the effort. I know that sounds simple, but it’s true. At the moment im sitting in my livingroom being stood up. I could have seen it coming, but i mean, we all keep learning. Im ready to move forward by now tho, Lord have mercy. 😉 XEva This part touched my heart! X : You only get TOO FAR involved with an… Read more »

This is beautiful. I will remember this.

I’ve been dating a guy for about 4 months now. This is has one of best relationships I’ve been in and its with a great guy. In the past I’ve had guys disappear with no explanation and left me incredibly hurt so i definitely have a huge fear of it happening again. The guy I’m dating now has always made an effort to contact me everyday. Some days it’s a short conversation and that’s ok. I understand that and don’t need to talk to him all day. I just like some form of contact so that I don’t start worrying… Read more »
Hi Megan! I don’t think its a bad thing that he hasn’t contacted you at all. I understand where your coming from, I mean especially when he has kept up a certain pattern for so long and now all of a sudden it’s changed. But I think you should remember that you have been seeing each other for 4 months now so both if you would be getting a bit more comfortable and secure with where you are in the relationship. So he probably is just busy or maybe he genuinely does not feel like talking to you. That’s not… Read more »
sorry for each question it’s how do I (I’ll try not to say ‘get over’ because reading your articles I can see that is part of the problem) but how do I experience love when I feel that way and how do I get ok with negative feelings – I am starting to see that experiencing love is being genuine not ‘happy’ all the time, I used to think that if I was loving that would conquer all, but doing that all the time numbs to my own feelings and invites bad treatment, conceptually it’s started to feel easy but… Read more »
HI Renee Excellent article. 3 questions if you don’t mind how does one get certainty from our feelings – I’d love you to expand on that. 2. I don’t have any memory of feeling lovable/radiant to draw on…. what do I do? (I understand that makes me low value/low self esteem) 3. I am scared when men are attracted to me, scared of letting them in, of my feelings etc I love this quote: You only get TOO FAR involved with an undevotional man when you are acting from past patterns you developed in order to survive as a child.… Read more »

Hi Renee

I am on my own and can only be so at the moment. However, I am in the midst of feeling all my emotions and past pains. It feels great just to feel it all. There was/is a man who triggered so many of my past pains, but its been one of my best learning experiences yet.

Sometimes in life, I feel it’s best to commit to worst fears as I’m more of a wholesome person now I dared to be real.

Hi, Renee! I have residue feelings from the past. I have been having issues with my ex since he told me he has another woman. I dont know if he told me this to caught up my attention, because after he told me that, he felt pity for me bcoz he began to hug me, like to comfort me maybe he does appreciates me as the mother of his child. But only he knows the truth I was so or I am so scared to ask him if its really true. The other day he bought me the candys I… Read more »

Dear Renee,

You truly understands women. I don’t know about the others. But I’m all about feelings. THere’s no better advice than using our own happy thoughts to counter the negativity so personal and so irrational. Most guy advisors on this topic would give absolutely logical yet irrelevant suggestions. One thing most guys do. Telling their women to do this and not that or … SO stupid.

Thanks Renee. I’m confident that I can handle my feelings much better in the future. Love it when you’ve shared generously here.

Have a nice day!


As a woman in her 20’s who has done an incredible amount of work on herself to transform herself into High Value, this post came at a very timely manner. I have felt all those awful emotions and can still feel them today however it is how I choose to respond, is what matters. When a man withdraws, I give him space and time, reach out once and confirm everything is okay/not okay. If I hear back, well and good. If not, I am patient until he returns which he will and use the cheeky/smart on him. Bottom line is,… Read more »

Hi,my boyfriend and I are not in good terms now.I give him the space he needs and reach out after 5 days but I never got any response.But he still never change his relationship status on facebook.Its been a week and 2 days I never heard anything from him


This is great! I’m going to start using these tips and being who I really am. Not bring scared to go through the feelings of disappointment. Instead of trying to be strong be the soft gentle but high valued woman I am. It’s so great you followed your passion in creating the feminine woman, I’m sure you’re helping plenty of woman.

Hi Renee. I am 45, have 3 children, 31, 28 and 12, am currently single by choice and have lived with 7 men to date. All different in their character, all of them I finished with except my first love. He left me for someone else 25 years ago. I was diagnosed in Feb 2013 with Borderline Personality Disorder. This is why I am single by choice as I have to work on myself to raise my self worth, etc. I have a B.A. Degree is Philosophy and English Literature and can be the most logical and rational person ever,… Read more »
Kimberely, I wanna hug you right now !! haha, if I could It was a s if I was reading my own post. And especially the part “To those of us with ‘personality disorders’, going into a quiet dark room with a teddy to ‘feel’ what we feel would not be a great coping strategy. SOME OF US MAY NOT COME OUT OF THAT ROOM AGAIN…” My God, how true.. I too am sort of Bpd, I say sort of because many of my behaviours..were mechanism of coping. With very difficult environments, and crazy .. people. And that`s exactly how… Read more »
Hi Renee, Yes I have read this article over and over. Makes perfect sense. I am happy for it. It is so difficult to live by the high value standards all the time. I am hurting so terribly. I feel like I am in the darkest period of my life. I have used your recommendation of picturing myself at my happiest and when I have felt beautiful to a degree in the past when feeling rejected by my man and it has proved to be helpful to me. This time I feel my relationship is really over and therefore, I… Read more »
Hi Melissa I don’t know your man but i have a lot of experience with this kind of response from my man over many years (often long distance and when i have said something that needed to be said but said it with care) and may i suggest that you don’t think it is the end. In fact, don’t think anything. You could ask him if he’s offended by what you said and clear the air on it. Possibly he’s just busy or taking time out to reflect. The main thing in my view, is to maintain communication (the only… Read more »

Send this to a friend