If you have been dating a man for less than 6 months, then it is likely that you are still in the process of proving your Value as a potential mate to one another, so you’ll need to be aware of how to maintain that High Value if you truly love the man you are with. That’s what this article is for.

High Value. It’s the reason people try to play hard to get, it’s the reason people try to be mysterious. It’s an attempt to preserve our value as a mate. Because Value matters. It’s EVERYTHING when it comes to attracting the best mate you possibly can. And to hell with anyone who says otherwise, because your future health and safety and your children’s future (if you want them) depends on how great your relationship is, and it depends on the quality of your man, and the quality of your man reflects how much High Value you show up with.

Attracting the man for you is absolutely crucial as a woman, so even more reasons for you to maintain your High Value. If you don’t give yourself the chance to explore what High Value is in a man’s mind, then you might end up in a more painful place than you could have imagined. And then resent other women for having something that you feel like you can’t have. Which then makes you feel lonely and sad.

It’s not about trying NOT to Push him Away

I know it seems like many relationship and dating advisers tell you that you can’t do ‘this’ or ‘that’ if he isn’t contacting you because it will “push him away”.

It’s true that we do many things from a place of fear as women, that in turn get a fearful response or a no response at all from men.

But that doesn’t mean that your focus should be on NOT pushing him further away. That just feeds your initial fear of him never coming back.

It’s like playing an endless game of tug of war where there is never a winner, because all there is on the other end is fear. It adds fuel to the fire, and you end up losing yourself in this awful spiral of fear and pain and anger. Nothing wrong with that at all. But when you’re dating a man, and you’re heavily invested in him, and you guys don’t trust each other yet, it MATTERS a lot how you show up.

If You FEEL scared and Desperate Inside…

So let’s say you are feeling desperate inside. Drafting text messages, too afraid to send them.

Or just sending abusive text messages.

Or just facebook stalking him.

Or stalking him in real life.

You want to stop. But you are so IN it you just can’t stop.

WHY isn’t he making contact? WHY isn’t he responding?

Well, I’m here to tell you, that it is OK to stop. To stop right now. To just stop obsessing.

Not because stalking or obsessing are wrong. They are not wrong. I understand it – sometimes, men bring out the absolute WORST stuff – they make us be this off the rails woman we never thought we were. You are not alone. Many women before you have tragically felt the pain of a man who withdrew from her.

Many women have had bleeding hearts because they loved a man and he disappeared for good.

In  history, some women use their power of talk’ and the power of their negative emotions to get a cheating man killed.

Some women marry a man and that man sleeps with other women, or even rapes other women.

It is OK to feel ANY of the following things when a man isn’t contacting You:

I want you to know that it is ok that you feel ANY of these things when a man pulls away, becomes distant and cold, and just goes quiet:

– Suicidal

– Terrified

– Anger beyond belief

– Abusive

– Feel like screaming

– Hateful

– Jealous

– Obsessive

– Like your heart is being smashed in to pieces.

It’s all ok to feel. Becoming invested in a man is serious business and if it goes wrong, it hurts like hell.

How to Maintain Your High Value

BUT – you still want to maintain your High Value because that matters. It matters that you get the practice if you ever want a relationship with another man, and it matters if you really DO love and care for this current man you’re focused on.

So what do you do?

If you’ve somehow stopped to read this, that is a wonderful start. It shows you have amazing courage to stop and at least look for an answer. It’s safer than stalking a man and it’s less fear-based than snooping through his things – email, snail mail, his Facebook, car, whatever. Learn more on how you can deal with men pulling away here. 

Here’s what steps to take to maintain High Value:

1) Start retreating to somewhere quiet and safe, and feel EVERYTHING.

Once you’ve spent days, maybe weeks, just taking certainty in feeling everything, you are able to ward off the tension you built up over the past and able to relax more in to who you really are – a feminine woman with deep radiance and depth of character (for more on femininity check out the fan page on Facebook where I give new, fresh advice that is quick to read).

What you are looking for when a man isn’t in close contact with you is a feeling of safety and certainty. We need to MEET that need for certainty, by getting you to retreat to somewhere safe to feel everything. Your feelings are your friend in this scenario. This will replace other Low Value behaviours for now. It will give you the strength and the base for building Higher Value within yourself.

(Click here to take the quiz “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Obsessive behaviour and Low Value behaviour happens when you still have residue feelings from the past that haven’t gotten out. Obsessing over him in ANY way is simply a way of blocking out the feelings.

You won’t deny that as a woman, it’s absolute ecstasy to be able to feel ANYTHING you want, and not be made wrong for doing so, right?

So if that’s true, then you need to muster the courage to provide yourself a safe place to feel.

– in a hot bath

– a hot shower

– in a dark, quiet room with a teddy

– under the covers.

It’s almost as if when a man doesn’t turn out to be the man we wished for, that it’s not ok for us to acknowledge our investment in him and actually FEEL the feelings.

Instead, we make him wrong because we’re angry that we got “humiliated” by getting involved and he didn’t reciprocate that depth that we yearned for.

Well, it is not humiliating to have been involved, and it is not stupid to have feelings over someone who doesn’t care about you. I don’t believe in that popular quote: “never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about You”. To me, that feels like total bullshit. It just fosters more ignorance of our own feelings and encourages more blocking out of feelings.

That’s too superficial. The reality is, you’re probably not hurt by MEN or this MAN directly anyway. Your hurt is most likely residue from your past. And that needs to get out. You need to be present with your feelings.

The certainty you seek by obsessing over him is a need that can be met through valuing feeling your feelings. 

Don’t burden your relationships with what is residue from your past pains and betrayals. Do your very best to have the courage to feel unfelt anger and hurt from your past.

2) Go back to a moment in your past where you felt infinitely beautiful for just a split second. Have the guts to draw on that memory. Try not to be a scaredy cat and sink back into desperation and low self worth. It hurts everybody around you when you do that. Do you want to make others suffer like that? Are you that Low Value?

No, I don’t believe you are.

Think back to a moment where you felt infinitely beautiful. That beauty is who you truly are. You have plenty of radiant and alive energy to give to any man you bloody well wish. You just forgot you had it, so you thought you had to hang on to dear life to this one man.

Every time you feel the fear and the tension of ‘where is he?’ ‘why isn’t he calling?’ ‘why doesn’t he do what he says he will?’ – go right back to your aliveness that you were before you got hurt for the very first time in love.

This is internal resources. Something most people never gain for themselves.

What I would like you to see is that when you are full or the radiance and love that you already are, you will automatically decide to deflect undevoted men, and you will attract devoted men.

Why?

Because in THAT place, you are not in your old patterns. You’ll see other people’s true motivations more clearly. Not just your own blind needs.

You only get TOO FAR involved with an undevotional man when you are acting from past patterns you developed in order to survive as a child. If you have the courage to not seek approval, you’ll naturally emanate a grace and realness that men crave and women wish they had.

Remember, if your body and mind is tense and you can’t be present or stop for a minute, you are in fear and only trying to survive. This will lead you to do something that is Low Value.

3) If he does contact you, and you decide to communicate back to him, to be High Value you can do so by using a concept I call ‘Push and Pull’ in my program, Commitment Control.

It is a way of showing that you are High Value.

I’ll give you a quick example of what to say:

“You’re all over the place! Nah, kidding, you’re pretty directed/goal oriented sometimes.”

This Push and Pull strategy automatically begins the process of showing up as High Value because you have the courage to deliver a playful insult.

See, when we feel desperate and lonely, we CANNOT say something like this one I just gave you above.

And when we feel desperate and lonely, we run a higher risk of acting Low Value.

4) If it feels to you like he is distant, and you still want to reach out to him and not give up and maybe get some CLOSURE, then I have some safe strategies to use that make you show up as High Value without losing anything. You will know what to say to test how much he REALLY cares about you.

I want to let you know that this is not about you being perfect. Aiming for Perfect is still fear based.

This is NOT about trying to be ‘sweet’. I feel very misunderstood when women think I’m trying to tell them to be ‘sweet’ when a man makes contact after pulling away. I’m not telling you to be sweet. Being sweet is fake and I don’t think fake is necessarily valuable in the situation. You need to build intrinsic value by filling your need for certainty by taking solace in your feelings. At least when you’re in the early dating period (before 6 months).

If you’ve been dating regularly for longer than 6 months, and want to know why he pulls away and doesn’t contact you, try my article Why he Pulls Away when You Need him the Most and Why Men Pull Away.

renee-wade

 

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68 Comments

  • Miff says:

    I cannot thank you enough x I have beenow value lady when men pull back but you have helped me spook much with this post and video x the best and only helpful advice I have found on the net!!! Thank you xx I AM ENOUGH XXX

  • Jenni Lee says:

    Thanks for some real advice that doesn’t tell women how to be perfect for men, but rather to be okay with themselves.

    You want a man to love you for you, not for you you’ve become to catch a man.

    If you change everything about yourself to be desirable to men, are you really genuine?

    I say no. And all this shitty advice out there is telling women what to be, how to be a lady. There’s nothing worse than seeing a man tell women how to be women. Grrrr.

  • Amanda Tillman says:

    Hello Renee,

    I’m all over the place. Me and my boyfriend have known one another for years. We dated and lived together 10 years ago. Well throught the years we have both been in horrible relationships that did a lot of damage. We have only been together for a few months… He had just gotten out of a 7 year damaging relationship two months prior to our relationship. And he had lost his son to AIDS in November (I also lost a child 3 years ago) I know now that we rushed into things too soon.. But now feelings and love are involved. In the beginning of our relationship I had a few moments where my fear had gotten the best of me and I reacted negatively. Well than I started getting gut feelings because little things were happening that didn’t make since. He wouldn’t tell me anything so I started snooping and he would lie and tell me things like what I seen wasn’t what it appeared to be basically until I seen pictures his ex of 7 years posted shortly after we got together .. She was in his room and his bathroom taking pictures… I seen his food and sock in the photo … Lol I know that sounds crazy but yea it was his sock … Black and white checkered sock that he tried telling me it was a heater not his foot… He admitted the next day it was his foot and that she showed up when he was there. He said they didn’t sleep together but he was confused about everything and not knowing if I was truly serious or would I go back to my ex … He had tried for 9 years to get me back and he wasn’t sure if I’d actually stay now. A few people told me that he wasn’t even in the room with her much and that he eventually left her there by herself. Well this caused a lot of problems because for one he lied to me for weeks when I knew something wasn’t right and of course my anxiety went through the roof so when I had a bad feelings and needed reassurance he would blow me off or get snappy and of course that made me act even more crazy… Then I realized I had to stop… If I chose to be with this man even after what happened than I needed to chill out a bit… Well than he got a recording studio and it became his priority so eventually fear kicked in again.. And I would try to bring it up and he would make irrational comments that he’s here with me … And when I would try to tell him him just being there on his studio wasn’t enough he would get angry and tell me that I wanted his attention all the time.. (I work nights and sleep a little during the day. He would spend all night on the studio and be on it even when I was asleep… Before I’d go to work he wouldn’t spend time with me because he was still recording music. Then on another occasion he told me that he deleted his childs mother on fb and when he went to show me she was blocked (she wasn’t) he then said ohh yea.. We were arguing and I forgot I had unblocked her to make you mad but when I realized that was wrong I couldn’t block her back. So I eventually stopped “bitching” all together and didn’t say anything about my feelings…. Well 2 weeks ago he went a full week starting arguments with me when I did nothing wrong. Everyday for a full week.. Now I could have made it easier on myself had I not responded at all. But I was so angry with him and the fact nothing had gotten resolved that I ended up distancing myself a little at the end of the week. We were driving home and I didn’t talk much Well, his children’s mother ended up making messy comments on his Facebook page and I told him I thought he should tell her something.. But I kept any other feelings I had to myself. We eventually made it home and he went inside with his laptop to get on his studio and never came back to the car. So while I was still sitting in the car… His child’s mother comments on a video of him and I and basically calls him a liar and that he told her he was done with me. Now I don’t know how true that is but when I went to show him what she did he didn’t say anything. He just looked at his phone. So that pissed me off all together but I just walked off and didn’t say anything. But when I came in he made asshole comments about I’m worried about a her and he’s not even talking to her. By now I’m pissed off about everything that has occurred .. The week of fights he picked with me and everything. So I didn’t talk to him the full day. I barely talked to him the next day. I guess that made him mad and he told me to leave and go home… Which I did.
    Now there was a piece of information I left out…. Which is he’s a paranoid schizophrenic so he has horrible mood swings but at the same time he’s still human.. So I know that he has a mental disorder but he has control over a lot of things. Anyways …. So I end up barely hearing from him for days. When I do hear from him he tells me that he’s confused and just needs space to think because I’m making him sick (from his disorder is what he meant) I’m confused because I know us arguing isn’t entirely his fault but to pull away after he started fights with me for a week straight doesn’t sit well with me. So I gave him his space and he texted me asking to bring him food but than never responded again after that. So I did just that. I brought him food and it was awkward at first but we eventually talked… He told me he just needed a few more days to sort through things and to completely get over his ex so that he can give me everything I deserve. He told me he wouldn’t ignore me again and that he would call to check on me…. So I went home and text him about 9 hours later.. I went to sleep right after I texted him and I woke up around midnight. He never even responded. I called him and he told me he had been asleep the whole day but I had seen where he was posting things on fb and I wasn’t even fussing and he told me I was all about the drama so once again everything came rushing back and I got so angry with him. So once again he’s ignoring me again. For days. He’s posting things on fb just to make me mad… Like sharing old pictures of him and his ex. So I basically just left it all alone and didn’t bother him again until a few days ago. I asked him if he wanted me to bring his clothes to him and he said yes. Well we eventually starting talking and just hung out with no fighting. I stayed at his house instead of going home because I was so tired from being up for several days. We had a pretty decent day… He even told me he had felt like he was bringing me down with his sickness and everything that was going on….but than that night came around. He said he was going to record at his friends house and I said okay. so I went to take a bath and he came in there to. I asked him if he would come back before he left and spend a a little time with me before I went to work… That ended up turning to a argument on his end … And I tried to get out of it and all that happened was I ended up crying. Well a few minutes later I told him I was going to the store and that I would come back to the house. He said he would follow me. When I was coming out of the store he told me he would be back before I went to work… And he came back. Things seemed ok. He kissed me and told me he loved me and I left. He called me that morning when I got off work and told me about a job he was thinking about working that day. I thought things were okay. But later that day he never called like he said he would and I texted him and he said he never got my messages because his phone was dead (???) and than he just stopped responding. I didn’t hear anything else from him that whole day, that night, and still nothing this morning. Should I just let this go and work on my self… Or should I apply the things you teach to our relationship? I’ve def been a low value woman in this situation and I want to change that. Just need some advice.. That’s why I shared so much. Please no judgment I already know this is a stupid bunch of questions that I may already know the answer to buy a second would be nice. Thanks

    I’m all over the place. Me and my boyfriend have known one another for years. We dated and lived together 10 years ago. Well throught the years we have both been in horrible relationships that did a lot of damage. We have only been together for a few months… He had just gotten out of a 7 year damaging relationship two months prior to our relationship. And he had lost his son to AIDS in November (I also lost a child 3 years ago) I know now that we rushed into things too soon.. But now feelings and love are involved. In the beginning of our relationship I had a few moments where my fear had gotten the best of me and I reacted negatively. Well than I started getting gut feelings because little things were happening that didn’t make since. He wouldn’t tell me anything so I started snooping and he would lie and tell me things like what I seen wasn’t what it appeared to be basically until I seen pictures his ex of 7 years posted shortly after we got together .. She was in his room and his bathroom taking pictures… I seen his food and sock in the photo … Lol I know that sounds crazy but yea it was his sock … Black and white checkered sock that he tried telling me it was a heater not his foot… He admitted the next day it was his foot and that she showed up when he was there. He said they didn’t sleep together but he was confused about everything and not knowing if I was truly serious or would I go back to my ex … He had tried for 9 years to get me back and he wasn’t sure if I’d actually stay now. A few people told me that he wasn’t even in the room with her much and that he eventually left her there by herself. Well this caused a lot of problems because for one he lied to me for weeks when I knew something wasn’t right and of course my anxiety went through the roof so when I had a bad feelings and needed reassurance he would blow me off or get snappy and of course that made me act even more crazy… Then I realized I had to stop… If I chose to be with this man even after what happened than I needed to chill out a bit… Well than he got a recording studio and it became his priority so eventually fear kicked in again.. And I would try to bring it up and he would make irrational comments that he’s here with me … And when I would try to tell him him just being there on his studio wasn’t enough he would get angry and tell me that I wanted his attention all the time.. (I work nights and sleep a little during the day. He would spend all night on the studio and be on it even when I was asleep… Before I’d go to work he wouldn’t spend time with me because he was still recording music. Then on another occasion he told me that he deleted his childs mother on fb and when he went to show me she was blocked (she wasn’t) he then said ohh yea.. We were arguing and I forgot I had unblocked her to make you mad but when I realized that was wrong I couldn’t block her back. So I eventually stopped “bitching” all together and didn’t say anything about my feelings…. Well 2 weeks ago he went a full week starting arguments with me when I did nothing wrong. Everyday for a full week.. Now I could have made it easier on myself had I not responded at all. But I was so angry with him and the fact nothing had gotten resolved that I ended up distancing myself a little at the end of the week. We were driving home and I didn’t talk much Well, his children’s mother ended up making messy comments on his Facebook page and I told him I thought he should tell her something.. But I kept any other feelings I had to myself. We eventually made it home and he went inside with his laptop to get on his studio and never came back to the car. So while I was still sitting in the car… His child’s mother comments on a video of him and I and basically calls him a liar and that he told her he was done with me. Now I don’t know how true that is but when I went to show him what she did he didn’t say anything. He just looked at his phone. So that pissed me off all together but I just walked off and didn’t say anything. But when I came in he made asshole comments about I’m worried about a her and he’s not even talking to her. By now I’m pissed off about everything that has occurred .. The week of fights he picked with me and everything. So I didn’t talk to him the full day. I barely talked to him the next day. I guess that made him mad and he told me to leave and go home… Which I did.
    Now there was a piece of information I left out…. Which is he’s a paranoid schizophrenic so he has horrible mood swings but at the same time he’s still human.. So I know that he has a mental disorder but he has control over a lot of things. Anyways …. So I end up barely hearing from him for days. When I do hear from him he tells me that he’s confused and just needs space to think because I’m making him sick (from his disorder is what he meant) I’m confused because I know us arguing isn’t entirely his fault but to pull away after he started fights with me for a week straight doesn’t sit well with me. So I gave him his space and he texted me asking to bring him food but than never responded again after that. So I did just that. I brought him food and it was awkward at first but we eventually talked… He told me he just needed a few more days to sort through things and to completely get over his ex so that he can give me everything I deserve. He told me he wouldn’t ignore me again and that he would call to check on me…. So I went home and text him about 9 hours later.. I went to sleep right after I texted him and I woke up around midnight. He never even responded. I called him and he told me he had been asleep the whole day but I had seen where he was posting things on fb and I wasn’t even fussing and he told me I was all about the drama so once again everything came rushing back and I got so angry with him. So once again he’s ignoring me again. For days. He’s posting things on fb just to make me mad… Like sharing old pictures of him and his ex. So I basically just left it all alone and didn’t bother him again until a few days ago. I asked him if he wanted me to bring his clothes to him and he said yes. Well we eventually starting talking and just hung out with no fighting. I stayed at his house instead of going home because I was so tired from being up for several days. We had a pretty decent day… He even told me he had felt like he was bringing me down with his sickness and everything that was going on….but than that night came around. He said he was going to record at his friends house and I said okay. so I went to take a bath and he came in there to. I asked him if he would come back before he left and spend a a little time with me before I went to work… That ended up turning to a argument on his end … And I tried to get out of it and all that happened was I ended up crying. Well a few minutes later I told him I was going to the store and that I would come back to the house. He said he would follow me. When I was coming out of the store he told me he would be back before I went to work… And he came back. Things seemed ok. He kissed me and told me he loved me and I left. He called me that morning when I got off work and told me about a job he was thinking about working that day. I thought things were okay. But later that day he never called like he said he would and I texted him and he said he never got my messages because his phone was dead (???) and than he just stopped responding. I didn’t hear anything else from him that whole day, that night, and still nothing this morning. Should I just let this go and work on my self… Or should I apply the things you teach to our relationship? I’ve def been a low value woman in this situation and I want to change that. Just need some advice.. That’s why I shared so much. Please no judgment I already know this is a stupid bunch of questions that I may already know the answer to buy a second would be nice. Thanks

    • Juanita Juniper says:

      You should go. You have spent enough time wasted on dead-end, uncompromising, and hurtful people. I think it’s best to be alone sometimes for awhile.

  • Cecee says:

    Hello Ladies,

    I am just making an observation when looking at your posts on this topic. I have to tell you that getting intimate with a man (sexually) is not a good idea BEFORE you clarify that BOTH of you are in a commitment. You should ALWAYS discuss your needs and his needs and expectations before sex. It also helps to wait as long as it takes to see really what kind of man the guy is before sex. He will show you his intentions through his actions ALWAYS. Go off of his actions (not what he says) and feel him out before you get seriously involved.

    I am a 30 year young (hehe) woman and I have learned this over the years the hard way. Remember… he wants YOU and he will go after you. If he is worthy of your love and the benefits that come along with it… only then is when you think about becoming exclusive and giving up the goods.

    We women get more invested after sex and will be more emotional. So if he isnt communication, taking you on dates, being sweet, taking time to get to know you (no rushing sex), tell him to kick rocks is so many ways and say NEXT.

    You are feminine, you are strong, you are special! If one guy wont see that another one will!

    When all else fails watch a Beyonce music video and WERK! <3

  • El says:

    hi ladies!! I must first of all say thank you to Renee- were it not for this page that I came across yesterday I am sure I would have really have done something stupid. For the first time in my life, I am reading stuff that hits home, the descriptions are so true as if I wrote them. In previous relationships, if a day goes by without communication then already that meant he didnt want me and I am sure I pushed a lot of guys away by doing that. The longer he stays away the angrier I get and the more I felt like ‘giving a piece of my mind’ which never ended well. Now I am 31 and in Dec 2015 I reconnected via fb with an old friend who used to ask me out and he even asked me out which ended with a very nice dinner. We spoke about past relationships and I remember asking him why he never got married and he blurted out that he had been waiting for me to which I just laughed. Fast forward a month later, I have met a trillion of his older relatives and his son which in my culture means a lot. (You can date for years without meeting important family). So everything is all good till two weeks ago when he just went quiet from Friday night till Tuesday- by then I was out of my mind and I had been phoning continuously all day Tuesday till I drove to his house and found him having supper. He said he had been busy and stressed and wanted a shut down- through tears I explained that it hurt me a lot and I felt he didn’t want me anymore or I had something and he even asked why I had not checked with his dad. Anyway he apologised and I forgave him and 3 days later the same thing happened,- and he wasn’t there. He loves me that I know and he said he has a problem communicating but it hurts so bad when he ignores and shuts me out- all the other things point towards major commitment except for that!

    • DuchessGummyBunns says:

      Set boundaries for yourself – expectations you have of the people you will ALLOW to be in your life. One of mine is – if you’re going to date me, and I’m going to take myself off the market for you, then you better be capable of taking MY needs into consideration. It’s all well and good to be empathetic and understanding, but you HAVE to make sure you aren’t putting others before yourself.

      • Juanita Juniper says:

        I love the way you explained that “if you are going to date me, and I’M GOING TO TAKE MYSELF OFF THE MARKET FOR YOU,

  • Nimfa says:

    Hi! I met a guy from Turkey in an Erasmus plus project in Greece (July) , and i liked him from first. But i am very shy and we didn’t talk at all while the project. But…. we played tennis and we danced on turkish music in the last night of the project. When i went back home to Romania , i’ve put a photo(Fb) where the description was ,, You will be mine , or you’ll be dead” , sentence that i’ve wroted on his paper (every person wrote on personalized papers something about that person) , but without signing . He commented with ,,That’s good” ..and so on we started to discuss on faacebook , and after a while on whatsapp. First , we spoked about islamic culture because he is muslim and i am very fascinated about it . in the first 2 months we spoked everyday , not much , but for me was amazing. Than we started to speak about each other. He told me things about him and i’ve told him thigs about me . After a while he called me ,,dear sister” (because he is a muslim boy) and i started to call him ,,dear brother”. We had real cute discussions , and he said very beautiful things about me , but without being very obvious .. we started to have very funny and witty conversations , and he once told me that i have a very special place in his heart . He also know that i care him , but this is the problem …. I don’t know if he is just disimulating and he pretends that he doesn’t understand my feelings , or he is very onest when he is considering me his sister. From 2 weeks he didn’t write me and this is weird, because he wrote me even iwhen he had exams . I sent him a message but he was a little cold , in comparison with other times. I don’t know what is happening. By the way , he is Scorpion and i’ve heard Scoprions do have ,,dissapearing acts” … in our convs, we sent each other love songs, but i don’t think for him ment smth..i think that he just like those songs. Please,help me ! 🙂

  • Heather says:

    I met this guy almost 4 months ago while he was in town for a weekend. He works on yachts and travels a lot and is away from his home (the city I live) for months at a time. We met and hit it off and had an amazing night. He told me he wanted to take me out on a date when he was back in town. He made contact with me when he could while he was away and he held true to his word and took me out on a date when he returned, which was 3 months after the night we met. We had a great date and I could tell he was into me. We are both into music and we even jammed twice with his best friend while he was in town. Unfortunately he had to leave for work again sooner than expected and on his last night in town he was hanging out with all of his best friends and he decided to bring them all over to an open mic where i was playing. He seemed excited to introduce me to all of them and we had a little alone time that night but he stayed with his family that night and came by my house once again in the morning before he left to say goodbye again. He told me I should keep hanging out with his best friend and playing music, which I’ve done. I’ve been jamming with his friend and we’ve done an open mic duet. I thought him inviting me into his life and hanging out with his best friends was a good sign that he was into me and wanted me around as more than something casual but now that he’s away again and we didn’t specify the status of any sort of relationship or exclusivity because things are so new, it gives me worries and doubts. I sent him a message two days ago asking if he had hopes for us to be exclusive and kind of where he stood on things so we could make sure to be on the same page. I’d feel terrible if I assumed we weren’t exclusive and dated other guys and then he felt disrespected because I’m really very into him. Well it’s been two days and he hasn’t responded. I know he saw the message because I sent it over Facebook. I did say “I know you’re busy so don’t feel like I need a rushed response” so it may be stupid to worry that he hasn’t responded but I also worry I freaked him out and made him feel like I’m steps ahead from where he’s at.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂

    • lara says:

      Hi, you need to read the book ‘why men love bitches’

      I don’t think you should’ve sent him a message asking to clarify your relationship status. You’re as much in control as he is and you shouldn’t give him all the power.

    • S.m. Benson says:

      You were asking for clarity, better than keep worrying. If he can’t answer, he’s not for you. Sorry. There are better men out there. Prayers and hugs you’ll get through this. Oh and Lara, heather is NOT a bitch. omg— Lara, look in the mirror and ask yourself, would you like to called that really? Think before your speak.

  • Iammai323 says:

    Hi! I met this guy in a dating site and we have been talking through skype for a month and decided to meet I’m attracted to him so we are already intimate on the first date. calling and chatting for a month but lately we have been distant to each other because he told me that he is seeing other girls but nothing happened it hurts because he’s still open for option. He told me that he likes me a lot! He cares for me and I’m a great person but knowing that he still date other girls hurt me. so i deleted him from my contacts and i really like him so i contacted him again and he added me again to his contact but he seems distant now it’s not the first time that i deleted him and he finds a way to reach me.
    but now he seems different distant and cold. It’s not that I want to win him back i just want to clear things about us. closure i guess. but why he adds me again to his contact but don’t message me?
    does adding you to his contact means he still care? or just being nice? any advice?
    Thanks in Advance! ^^

  • diane says:

    hi

    i meet this guy i been seeing him for 4 months now everytime he travel for work he don’t contact with me but he is not my boyfriend but we love each other. what should i do should i give up or still waiting?

  • Chrysalis says:

    Hi Renee,
    Thanks as always for the great post. The “no contact” period when a man withdraws is the most challenging for any woman including my self. I have been through this and we tend to resort to all kinds of low value activities to get his attention like email, texting, manipulation, creating jealousy etc. and when nothing seems to work, we become more and more frustrated and keep this vicious cycle going. The more we try to contact, the more a man feels withdrawing because he can sense our neediness and manipulation. It is hard to loose an object we love and we feel that our love is not being reciprocated and we tend to become obsessive. But once we learn to appreciate our self-worth that we define ourselves and our relationships and are not defined by the man in our life or others, we will definitely create a higher-value for ourselves and this radiates into the universe.

  • Reen says:

    Hi Rene,

    Can you outline the process as to how to go about feeling all the emotions?… I think I do feel them despite continuously trying NOT to feel them and the pain is too much to stand… I can’t stand the hurt… And I feel like it KEEPS coming back… and I can’t find a single source… What do you do to try and get them to just come at you one time, experience it all and then find peace… There have been times after a heart break that I spent days in bed sobbing and my body convulsing with pain… and then got up thinking I’m all cried out and prettied up to go enjoy life only to be out in the midst of whatever I was doing and have tears streaming from my eyes without ANY warning! And get these WAVES of despair… How do you come out of it NOT feeling that way?… And I am so scared to feel it all again… I can’t…

  • Eva says:

    Hi Alicia
    Just wanna say : how well put of you, what you said really hit the spot for me totally.
    Thanks and… stay strong! You dont have to ‘do’ anything, with the right guy, he will make the effort.

    I know that sounds simple, but it’s true. At the moment im sitting in my livingroom being stood up.
    I could have seen it coming, but i mean, we all keep learning. Im ready to move forward by now tho, Lord have mercy. 😉
    XEva

    This part touched my heart! X
    :
    You only get TOO FAR involved with an undevotional man when you are acting from past patterns you developed in order to survive as a child. If you have the courage to not seek approval, you’ll naturally emanate a grace and realness that men crave and women wish they had.

    Remember, if your body and mind is tense and you can’t be present or stop for a minute, you are in fear and only trying to survive. This will lead you to do something that is Low Value.

  • Megan says:

    I’ve been dating a guy for about 4 months now. This is has one of best relationships I’ve been in and its with a great guy. In the past I’ve had guys disappear with no explanation and left me incredibly hurt so i definitely have a huge fear of it happening again. The guy I’m dating now has always made an effort to contact me everyday. Some days it’s a short conversation and that’s ok. I understand that and don’t need to talk to him all day. I just like some form of contact so that I don’t start worrying and thinking the worst. For the past day and half I haven’t heard from him and I don’t know what to do. A part of me wants to just wait for him to get in contact because he could just be busy but another part of me is so upset with the situation that I feel like I should contact him. I just don’t know what to do and I don’t want to sound needy if I do contact him first.
    Please help I’m so confused because there is so much mixed advice and I just don’t want yet another relationship to end like the others!

    • Christine says:

      Hi Megan!
      I don’t think its a bad thing that he hasn’t contacted you at all. I understand where your coming from, I mean especially when he has kept up a certain pattern for so long and now all of a sudden it’s changed. But I think you should remember that you have been seeing each other for 4 months now so both if you would be getting a bit more comfortable and secure with where you are in the relationship. So he probably is just busy or maybe he genuinely does not feel like talking to you. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, he just feels like having his own time. That’s all. Unless you can think of anything in particular that went wrong lately then I really don’t think you should worry.
      So what I think you should do is just keep yourself busy and concentrate on yourself and your goals for the day or whatever and when he contacts you just be glad and show him that your happy he has massaged you. But don’t guilt trip him or act upset or tell him it was too long or whatever. He will appreciate that, shows him that you have your own life and don’t need him 24/7. Remember that he should add to your life and not be your life.
      If you really want to contact him then maybe send him a picture if something and say “this made me think of you :-)” or if your going shopping send him a picture of what you wanted to buy and ask him on his opinion. Then if he replies something chatty then carry on the conversation, if not then that’s fine too. Wait for him to come your way 🙂 it will be fine 🙂
      Love Christine

  • alicia says:

    sorry for each question it’s how do I (I’ll try not to say ‘get over’ because reading your articles I can see that is part of the problem) but how do I experience love when I feel that way and how do I get ok with negative feelings – I am starting to see that experiencing love is being genuine not ‘happy’ all the time, I used to think that if I was loving that would conquer all, but doing that all the time numbs to my own feelings and invites bad treatment, conceptually it’s started to feel easy but feelings wise it’s still hard. In terms of acting sexy and inviting in – the feeling of my own desire seems so scary I shut down and can’t even feel or be sexy!!!!! Any tips?

  • alicia says:

    HI Renee

    Excellent article.

    3 questions if you don’t mind how does one get certainty from our feelings – I’d love you to expand on that.

    2. I don’t have any memory of feeling lovable/radiant to draw on…. what do I do? (I understand that makes me low value/low self esteem)

    3. I am scared when men are attracted to me, scared of letting them in, of my feelings etc

    I love this quote:

    You only get TOO FAR involved with an undevotional man when you are acting from past patterns you developed in order to survive as a child. If you have the courage to not seek approval, you’ll naturally emanate a grace and realness that men crave and women wish they had.

    Remember, if your body and mind is tense and you can’t be present or stop for a minute, you are in fear and only trying to survive. This will lead you to do something that is Low Value.

    Finally how if we need love so bad/need a man and don’t want to hide it can we feel confident. I guess it’s like men and sex it only comes over badly when it feels indiscriminate…

  • Angel-Eyes says:

    Hi Renee

    I am on my own and can only be so at the moment. However, I am in the midst of feeling all my emotions and past pains. It feels great just to feel it all. There was/is a man who triggered so many of my past pains, but its been one of my best learning experiences yet.

    Sometimes in life, I feel it’s best to commit to worst fears as I’m more of a wholesome person now I dared to be real.

  • Sofia says:

    Hi, Renee!

    I have residue feelings from the past.

    I have been having issues with my ex since he told me he has another woman. I dont know if he told me this to caught up my attention, because after he told me that, he felt pity for me bcoz he began to hug me, like to comfort me maybe he does appreciates me as the mother of his child. But only he knows the truth I was so or I am so scared to ask him if its really true. The other day he bought me the candys I love, maybe he just feels guilt or something.

    I relate this issue with my step father. He left my mom. He was 15 years younger than she and wanted to have kids, but my mother had cancer before she met him and his womb was removed due to that. So my step father was cheating on my mother constantly (under the water, he was a man with a cheerful eye, but we didnt knew till at the end), but with the last woman he was cheating on, he decided to leave my mom and go and live with her, but he only lasted 6 months with her. And I somehow relate my situation with my ex, and think he was doing the same as my step father.

    I saw my mother suffered alot for him. She cried and cried every day and was so torn. I was the one by her side comforting her and I felt her suffering. I even suffered myself becoz I missed him and I knew he was not coming back. He didnt, after 5 years, but just to asks us for money. ¬_¬

    That marked me alot and since then I dont believe in men or think all men are alike. I was happy before I met my ex, but now, not so much. Got to go to that place again like you said on your post.

    Its hard tho.

    Thank you so much for your posts. They are helping me SO much!

    xx

    • Amy says:

      Dear Renee,

      You truly understands women. I don’t know about the others. But I’m all about feelings. THere’s no better advice than using our own happy thoughts to counter the negativity so personal and so irrational. Most guy advisors on this topic would give absolutely logical yet irrelevant suggestions. One thing most guys do. Telling their women to do this and not that or … SO stupid.

      Thanks Renee. I’m confident that I can handle my feelings much better in the future. Love it when you’ve shared generously here.

      Have a nice day!

      Amy

  • Nadia says:

    As a woman in her 20’s who has done an incredible amount of work on herself to transform herself into High Value, this post came at a very timely manner.

    I have felt all those awful emotions and can still feel them today however it is how I choose to respond, is what matters. When a man withdraws, I give him space and time, reach out once and confirm everything is okay/not okay. If I hear back, well and good. If not, I am patient until he returns which he will and use the cheeky/smart on him. Bottom line is, I live my life with vigour and panache to be worried about a guy disappearing and re-appearing which is what men on a whole generally do, from time to time.

    • JASMINE ESTREVILLO says:

      Hi,my boyfriend and I are not in good terms now.I give him the space he needs and reach out after 5 days but I never got any response.But he still never change his relationship status on facebook.Its been a week and 2 days I never heard anything from him

  • Monique says:

    This is great! I’m going to start using these tips and being who I really am. Not bring scared to go through the feelings of disappointment. Instead of trying to be strong be the soft gentle but high valued woman I am. It’s so great you followed your passion in creating the feminine woman, I’m sure you’re helping plenty of woman.

  • Kimberely says:

    Hi Renee. I am 45, have 3 children, 31, 28 and 12, am currently single by choice and have lived with 7 men to date. All different in their character, all of them I finished with except my first love. He left me for someone else 25 years ago. I was diagnosed in Feb 2013 with Borderline Personality Disorder. This is why I am single by choice as I have to work on myself to raise my self worth, etc. I have a B.A. Degree is Philosophy and English Literature and can be the most logical and rational person ever, yet emotionally, especially when I’m romantically involved, I act like a child sometimes. I am currently unemployed and, with so much time to dwell about stuff, I am glad I am single right now. Also, the internet doesn’t help. We can all see when he’s been ‘online’ through whatsapp, instagram, facebook, snapchat and the hundred other networking tools which are great for those of the stalking persuasion…NOT!! And definitely not good for those with low self worth.

    In a nutshell, after receiving and reading your emails/posts, I now realise, I have always been low value. I do not know yet how to become high value as I am too prepared to accept crumbs. ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING. I also realise that I have always confused sex with love. I will have sex straight away as that is where I place my worth. (I am working on all these issues at the moment).

    I have read your advice about obsessive behaviour and the craziest thing I have ever done is stab myself as my boyfriend wanted to go home a day early!!. (that was in 1993) I have a history of self harm and have been told that it is my coping mechanism. I do not drink, smoke or take drugs to escape or cope. So, I would have to say that although your advice makes complete sense, it absolutely depends on the individual. If, like myself, they are of a jealous and possessive nature, have low self esteem or any other issue which makes them feel of low worth, they will find it hard to not bombard a ‘silent’ man with messages (or any other means) to get a response. All this is fear based. Recognising exactly what the fear is, may be helpful.

    Being aware of your feelings is great, not feeling guilty for feeling what you feel is also great, acting irrationally on those negative feelings is not great. To those of us with ‘personality disorders’, going into a quiet dark room with a teddy to ‘feel’ what we feel would not be a great coping strategy. SOME OF US MAY NOT COME OUT OF THAT ROOM AGAIN… Sounds depressing but that dark, lonely place full of emotional torment is agony. Going to catch up with friends and doing things like having your hair or nails done are also of value. Shifting your focus is paramount I believe. There are so many variables when dealing with emotional issues that I would like to see below positive strategies used by women who have raised their own value and not looked to a man to raise their value for them.

    Love, light and blessings to you all. x

    • Renee Wade says:

      hi Kimberley, thank you for your comment, you’ve said some interesting things.

      You are aware that psychiatrists/doctors/psychologists benefit from defining your problem as ‘personality disorder’, yes?

      I’m not asking anything of you here by giving you this advice.

      But a Doctor gets paid to diagnose you.

      Before he could diagnose you, you wouldn’t have the ‘label’ of personality disorder.

      Don’t be cheap – don’t hold on to these silly labels to feel significant and to justify your fear (that everyoe has) of feeling pain.

      Pain is a part of life.

      I’ve self harmed, in my past.

      Plenty of my friends in the past have self harmed. It is common. tabbing, cutting, slashing, hanging yourself, hitting yourself, banging your head against a wall…burning yourself, I’ve seen it all, in person…these people didn’t have personality disorders.

      They were hurt and needing love, support and attention.

      At the end of the day though, if we don’t HELP ourselves, nobody will help us. Not even the doctors. All they will do is throw a drug at you….or listen to your hours hours in return for a few hundred dollars.

      I’m not asking anything of you here. I’m hoping you hear that.

      Take care of yourself. You are too precious to do anything less than. People love you.

      Love,
      Renee.

    • Kat says:

      Kimberely,

      I wanna hug you right now !! haha, if I could

      It was a s if I was reading my own post. And especially the part “To those of us with ‘personality disorders’, going into a quiet dark room with a teddy to ‘feel’ what we feel would not be a great coping strategy. SOME OF US MAY NOT COME OUT OF THAT ROOM AGAIN…”

      My God, how true..

      I too am sort of Bpd, I say sort of because many of my behaviours..were mechanism of coping. With very difficult environments, and crazy .. people.

      And that`s exactly how it is.. I feel the need to be around people. Not because I am an attention seeker, but I tried a period living alone (after doing self work, and getting OUT of painful..situations) . Well the place where I was suppossed to stay was pretty isolated too and that didn`t help.

      But it was awful.. staying in that room. with myself and my thoughts.. it`s difficult to understand for people who were more forcinate , to have more normal environments and people. If something as Normal exists haha 😀

      It was scary. You said it, getting out, taking a walk, listening to music. Exercising. I like being around people and crowds.. and shops 🙂

      Aside from that, Thank you Rennee for the article !!

      Very useful and interesting, and waiting for more <3

      I like that you are Feminine AND Empathic. and kind..rare and beautiful thing. I know some self proclaimed "coaches" that are very crazy and narcisistic.. and bully their readers instead of encouraging them 😀

      Kat

  • Melissa says:

    Hi Renee, Yes I have read this article over and over. Makes perfect sense. I am happy for it. It is so difficult to live by the high value standards all the time. I am hurting so terribly. I feel like I am in the darkest period of my life. I have used your recommendation of picturing myself at my happiest and when I have felt beautiful to a degree in the past when feeling rejected by my man and it has proved to be helpful to me. This time I feel my relationship is really over and therefore, I am struggling to even want to live let alone project myself to happier times. Also, in the past when my man went cold I coped better as far as waiting to here from him. This time is different I have been messaging him first with no reply. Makes one feel a little crazy. We did have a sort of disagreement, whereas, I called him out on something, which I have never really done. I did not to it viciously or with anger just simple and point blank. he replied his answer and I have not heard from him in a week. I fear he is over me now. I have to say this is a long distance mainly texting relationship for two years so even more difficult. We were together 17 years ago for a short period and reconnected two years ago.. No one has ever made me feel more loved in my life. Not that he was a “I love you” man, but he would say the most touching things, such as one time said “I thought of you everyday and you made me the man I am today”. And many more beautiful comments that made me feel very special. There is so much more to this saga, I seriously could write a #1 seller book. But seriously I feel he is done with me and I am not coping well and I don’t understand how can a man stop caring so quickly over a disagreement.

    • Lori says:

      Hi Melissa
      I don’t know your man but i have a lot of experience with this kind of response from my man over many years (often long distance and when i have said something that needed to be said but said it with care) and may i suggest that you don’t think it is the end. In fact, don’t think anything. You could ask him if he’s offended by what you said and clear the air on it. Possibly he’s just busy or taking time out to reflect. The main thing in my view, is to maintain communication (the only way to resolve anything and to stop our thoughts going haywire) and to keep the communication caring but not intense! Hope this helps. Don’t give up and don’t be afraid to be ‘real’.
      Best thing is to get yourself into a happy place, regardless of ‘man-complexities’!!

  • Victoria says:

    hi Renee,
    Am so glad i saw this, as i have been dealing with a similar situation. but am still confused.
    i met a guy over the Chrismas holidays back home and i really liked him. but i school in a different country, and we didn’t get to spend much time together. he made all the moves, like calling me every day when i got back to school, and texting, and all the “am in love with you and i want you to always be in my life” he even said he was coming over during the summer break for us to spend some time together. and i let him know i’ll love that, and i also told i really really liked him too, but i didn’t say i loved him too because i usually don’t like using those words until am quite certain of my feelings and that of the guy. he was trying to fast forward the relationship, and i didn’t protest or consent. i just went along.
    two weeks ago, he started withdrawing, and i noticed i was the one doing all the calling. when i tried to ask why he was shutting me out, he mentioned something about emotional problems. i figured he probably had a girlfriend. i asked and he said he didn’t, but still refused to explain why he was pulling away and he didn’t change.
    so i left him alone and he hasn’t bothered to contact me for over a week. and my mom said not to contact him. you know the quote ‘if he really cares, he’ll call, its a guy that does the chasing, not a girl’.
    but i really miss him and do care deeply for him. its been just ten days, i’m really itching to contact him when i see him online, though i haven’t.
    what do i do? contact him or let him go?
    i need your opinion.
    thanks

  • Katelyn says:

    Over the past two or three years, I have come to find that for me to hold in any kind of emotion is truly exhausting. I have further come to re-realize that to be angry and hateful for extended periods of time (for more than a week) that I tend to become pissy at the situation, at the world, at the person, and then I become pissy at myself for being pissy at the person. Recently though, I have found that all of these negative feeling had become quite overwhelming and honestly, crushing. I often over analyzed the situation which in turn would make me angry at the world, at the situation, at him for a little bit, and that at myself for being angry with him. Even so, I found that I wasn’t able to stay angry at him long. In my heart of hearts I know he means well and he never intended to hurt me. Even though I believe this I found that I would often find myself telling myself “He avoids you and hates you because you just an awful repulsive cunt! And because you’re so repulsive no one will ever love you and you’ll never have any babies.” Then, I when I went to return his clothes to him, I lost it and just cried and told him everything (no matter how little the words actually described what was happening). Much to my surprise he held my head and told me that he didn’t hate me. We ended up hugging for a little bit. When he hugged me, it seemed like we held it for a little while and I immediately felt safer and at peace. After leaving his apartment I felt lighter and more accepting of where he was at. I feel that I was finally able to my more intimate feelings (however seemingly negative they were) and to accept that I do still love this man very much and that I miss him deeply. More than I could ever hope to explain.

    • Renee Wade says:

      This is a lovely story Katelyn. Thanks for telling it. It is exhausting to hold things in! XxX Renee.

    • Rie says:

      Renee,
      As much as I love all of your other posts,this has got o be the best one yet! You are absolutely spot on that this all relates to old childhood pain! I think that you should write a book on this, because this speaks to the heart of all our relationship issues, not just those with men.Bravo to you, Renee, and I hope that you expand your work to relationships in general!

  • Me says:

    Hi Renee. I’ve enjoyed reading your post. I broke up with my guy almost 2 months ago because I found out he was two timing me with a girl half his age. We have been together a long time 5 yrs. I don’t know if he did this because he was bored. In any case it hurt me to my very foundation. He denied any relationship with her other that she was the one chasing him. He kept calling me even after I broke up with him while he was still talking to the other girl. One day I decided that I valued myself more if he didn’t value me and if I kept talking to him it meant that I was ok with what he did. So I stopped taking his calls and asked him to leave me alone. I know he would have lost all respect for me if I didn’t set those boundaries. As much as it hurts and I miss him this post and some of your others have told me that I ABSOLUTELY did the right thing by leaving. It’s been 4 weeks since I cut off contact with him he has emailed me once to check on me. I responded directly to his question about how I was doing I said I’m fine thank you and left it at that.
    Thank you.

  • L. Nayoriel says:

    I know these feelings all too well: the desperation and anxiety ultimately pead to self-incrimation, but it really doesn’t have to be that way. As part of my job, I am taught to keep my feelings out of everything I do.
    But I’ve now learnt to connect with them through writing down what is scaring me and re reading it, until I’ve cried off the turmoil. It gives me a feeling of a cleaner soul, and most importantly it helps me keep sight of my value as a woman. I don’t feel that insecurity that one sometimes can feel in the beginning of a relationship, as though one is blindly dancing around in a dark room. I’m so thrilled to have found this job because reading it has encouraged me to create a new set of values for myself in which my own true feminine spirit is appreciated and not ignored or muted into silence. It has given me the courage to be open to my man and just be in the moment with him rather than trying to figure out whether he approves of me or I’m doing the “right thing.”
    Thankyou Renee!! Xx

    • Nana says:

      May I ask you Nayoriel, what your job is? It may really interest me 🙂
      I am glad you have found this balance in your life !
      Enjoy x*x

      • L. says:

        Hey Nana,
        Funny story!! When I was writing this out on my phone, I messed up “I’m so glad to have found this blog” and replaced blog with job. 😛 but if you are referring to my actual job which commands emotional composure 24/7, I’m in a boot camp of sorts.. 😛
        Xoxo,
        L.

    • Renee Wade says:

      You are welcome, L.

      Writing your feelings down is committed and wonderful. It’s a great idea! I really appreciate you writing it down here so other women can use it too.

      Renee.

    • Missi says:

      Hi. I am curious as to what kind of obsessing is productive and high value? I get that obsessing as to why he wont or isnt contacting us or has withdrawn from us is low value behavior. But can obsessing about how to change that behavior be just as damaging? In the first 6 months i understand the whys but what about a year in with no commitment? Or definition? My future is in front of me and dont want to look backwards for my answers. But I dont want to look obsessively to a new path. Or do I?? Am i better off being alone? Help??

  • Loretta says:

    Thanks so much for this post, Renee. Its been over a week since I’ve heard from my guy. We have a long history (including three children ages 19, 11, and 17 months). But we have been back together in a monogamous relationship for almost three years now. I moved out of state about four months ago and I took our two youngest children with me. Needless to say, my guy was quite upset with me. I feel hurt and offended because my guy has known for at least two years that one of my greatest desires was to relocate. The other desire I’d shared with him was my dream of becoming a world renowned songwriter. When I initially shared this with him, he told me to follow my heart. Well it took me almost three years to ‘follow my heart’ because I did not want to leave him. I stayed and waited hoping he would propose to me but he didn’t. So I decided to do what would ultimately make ME happy. So I left. My leaving has really upset him. Although we agreed to work our relationship out long distance, he says he feels as if he’s lost me as well as our two youngest children. It has been eight days since we’ve talked. Since I’ve moved, I have been the one to initiate mostly (if not all) contact between us. But this time I decided not to. I am hurt and offended because my dreams and desires were not foreign to him. I am now pursusing the dreams I have had for a very long time-and he knows this. And at times he has told me that he does not fully trust me because he can never tell what I may do. Okay fine but I am determined NOT to sit any longer and wait for him to commit to me. I have my life to live.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Loretta,

      It sounds like you are both hurt.

      Yeah, many men have NO idea that we want marriage and so will keep going ahead in a relationship without proposing for a very long time. Sitting and waiting is not going to work, for sure! Have you guys ever spoken about marrying each other at all?

      Love,
      Renee.

      • Loretta says:

        Hi Renee,

        Yes we have. He wrote in a card to me on Valentine’s Day 2013 that one day he would love to make me his wife. After a few months, I asked him if he had a time frame, and he said no.

  • Mel says:

    Hi renee ,

    I am currently in this situation! The guy I have been seeing for 8 months goes hot and cold SO often and I’ve been open and patient to him whenever he comes back, because I feel so strongly for him and he has explained to me that he is scared of commitment.
    However this time he is completely ignoring me and I have done exactly what this article says, and just allowed myself to feel the pain without trying to fight it. I do know he will be back because he always comes back. The plan I had decided to go with is that if he comes back, I’m not going to respond to him. I thought this might make him realise how it feels to have me not be there for him (since I am always so available to him) do you think in my case I should still use the push pull method? Or stick with just walking away and giving up…

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Mel, thanks for your comment! 🙂

      Push and Pull is ok to use of course.

      When a man pulls away and goes quiet is always SO so hard.

      Make whatever decision you want.

      But just me mindful that when a man pulls away is exactly when he needs you the most.

      Typical masculine/feminine problem – the masculine energy conflicts with the feminine energy and so inside you’re about to burrrrrrst but even if you stay open and loving to him, you an do so while expressing your feelings.

      Love,
      Renee.

      • mel says:

        you are so right! he ended up telling me (after 2 weeks of not responding to me) that the reason he was ignoring me was because he is going through some hard times at the moment, and he didn’t want to react to rudely/angrily so he wanted space. Although i know what he’s going through he never really goes into much detail about his feelings, he hates talking about it and i hope in time he’ll learn to open up to me more.Honestly if i had’nt come across your website i would have reacted to him how i have reacted to other men in the past – with a bitchy attitude and with a lecture about how he can’t just come back whenever he feels like it etc. I am so grateful for your website and wonderful advice 🙂

  • Marie says:

    Hi renee thanks for this article! I absolutely hate that hurting desperate feeling, where your just dying for some sort of response from him! It drives me crazy.! When you say the push pull response, is I similar to kind of being cheeky/smart in your responses? That’s the way I interpret it?
    Also, would this apply if you’ve been dating someone for almost a year, and have not yet moved to official relationship stage because the man isn’t ready?
    Thanks again renee!

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Marie, I wouldn’t say it’s cheeky and smart – but a lot of people would describe it that way.

      However, if you do it just to sound smart all the time, it’s probably not the best place to come from. It needs to come from a place inside you where you are saying it to connect deeper with a man whilst also maintaining your value –

      Maintaining this value is important because if a man’s investment in a relationship is CLEARLY not matching yours, then you need to avoid going too deep with the love you express, it just disconnects you both from each other!

  • Kathy says:

    This is amazing! So true! I felt like I was in this place when I started dating my ex… I had struggled with an eating disorder and I had finally come out on the other side. I was unapologetically myself, I was full and real and I was just taking in the world. I met a guy and he told me “you are so real, Ive never met any girl like you.” THis guy made me feel so beautiful with every word he said. I just don’t know where the switch happened… He went off to college and I told him if we were going to continue seeing each other, I wanted to be exclusive. I don’t know when I stopped being me. I felt like me the entire time, felt like I was listening to my true self. I was so in love with this man but he had talked about getting a college experience. It wasn’t that I didn’t listen, I just thought that he must have realized that a connection like ours was worth more than the idea that you need some experience.

    Renee, why did my intuition not protect me?

    I am so confused because it was the first time in my life I had trusted it fully and I ended up with a guy like this. Even when he said he had wanted this “experience” I was blind? I just don’t understand how me truly trusting my heart could have gone so wrong. NOw I am afraid to let go and trust my intuition… I hate being this rigid 🙁 I just want to know where I went wrong because I thought I was listening to my intuition fearlessly and without rules… I listened and it went all wrong.

    Thank you though, this post is phenomenal. I know its true that our authentic selves are phenomenal. I am just scared of really being there again because I am worried I will be so blind!

  • Holly says:

    lol, I just read back what I write as my phone won’t allow to scroll up and down, it gets lost mid writing which is frustrating.

    Numerology year number 9 is a year for COMPLETION, endings and letting go off what has been. Not COMPETITION!! My phone dictionary alters my writing and then I read it and say, oh to myself, which is kind of important to me as I’m trying to teach myself English grammar and sentence structure so I can’t afford to make mistakes as it’s just training myself up to be less intelligent, which I don’t need.

    I think I’m going to have to start saving for a laptop this year as this phone isn’t enough, and definitely be unsuitable for buying online programs.

  • Holly says:

    Hello Renee and David 🙂

    Thankyou for sharing your valuable insight. You see for me, being high value is practically unknown territory as I feel I haven’t really learnt the skills required to be a high value woman.

    How I would describe this is the same as asking a man to build a house, but the man has little to no skills or knowledge on building a house.

    So I’m at a point in my life now were I feel a little confused and lost, such as I can feel the undercurrents of my emotions say, what’s happening, what’s going. I can feel a’lot going on under radar but I don’t know what’s happening, and the picture that springs to mind is of a small child in a city town center, just lost their mommy/daddy and their looking around all confused and helpless.

    This is precisely my reason for remaining an independent lifestyle at the moment. I don’t want to give away ANY of my freedom and independence, I want to do what I want to do and not answer to anyone, I don’t want to open up to a man and I don’t want to give or take anything that involves a relationship, or interacting with men, as I only feel at a state of LOW VALUE. It’s a world of the underground that lives within, at the deepest part of my core self. Their feels so much horrible feelings so I’ve contacted the mental health team, thank God.

    Things are going to get better as my values are of a high value woman and I know that because of my standards, because I’ve stayed single for 4 years just gone, and I feel proud as it’s for all the right reasons.

    I haven’t had too much of an experience of men withdrawing because I was in a 6 year controlled relationship so it’s just not something of much that I’ve been through.

    I’ve had a lifetime of been in a place of low value, but I have a feeling it’s going to end some time soon :-). Not only am I putting in effort teaching myself maths and English (practically everyday from knowing practically nothing), I’m raising a daughter from Sunday night to Friday night, I have to take care of my house, do fitness training, and working on other things to, it’s what I called life mapping. I feel this is going to be the end of living in a place of low value as I’m in something called a numerology personal number 9 year, which means competition, endings and letting go of what has been. And if anything, I shall now say to myself, what would a high value woman do under these circumstances, as that’s just an only guide to how I can hope to become a more valuable person to myself. Or even thinking, what would Megan Fox do about this if she was in my shoes.

    I met a man December 2012, and the weird thing is, I said to myself, please God, please make me meet a man…and I did! But it was coming from a place of fear, because I thought someone tampered with my mind and altered the default wiring so I could never fall in love with anyone (I was very ill btw).

    So I met the man I’m talking about at a train station. His name was Lee, he was 36 and I was 26. I was on medication for psychosis at the time so I was very fragile at the time.

    I slept with this man really quickly, it was totally uncool to my female biology, but nevertheless, I still went along with it for my own reasons. I did actually like him, but it was for all the wrong reasons and I knew that so I broke free and cut up my sim card so he could never see me again.

    It was really painful and hard to do, as my feelings got entangled into his. He use to say that I was the right man for him, he fell in love within two months of interacting with him, and he thought I would have married him, but the problem is I opened up really quickly to a man that I hadn’t built any trust in and it was painfully uncomfortable. It might seem what women want on a service level, but they would soon feel it in their gut, to have feelings for a man were theres been no healthy boundaries laid, so it’s far from ideal, especially as I was a psychotic mess underneath.

    For some reason it took me a while to get over the whole Lee thing, because he did some lovely things, and it would have been the easiest thing in the world to go for a situation like that. But now I have to say, what unhealthy part of myself am I clinging onto whilst my feelings remained for him and I tried to get over him. Because having feelings for that man could only mean I was latching onto something unhealthy within. And that’s gone for a while now so obviously I’ve progesed on some level.

    So I don’t know a great deal about high value or the push pull technique, but I will be wanting your help for future preferences. Not before I’ve worked out who I am and what I need because to follow that path now could only be coming from a place of low value which is the wrong time at my pace of development.

    On the plus side, I did a self made Makeover in 2012. It was after having no clothes for 6 years, were I completely had an indentity loss, I was wearing baggy clothes with holes in and scruffy trainers, which my ex would have been happy for me to remain in. I lost a’lot of weight through fitness lifestyle, and for a year and half I saved for an entire new look, which felt amazing :-).

    I remember one day in particular, although there was a fair few, but their was a day I did my hair and makeup, and wore some very flattering clothes. I can remember looking in the mirror and thinking, waw is that me, because I saw no flaws, it was like nothing I experienced. I could have been standanding next to Cheryl Cole and my feelings wouldn’t have been fased as I put my appearance together so nicely that day.

    Guess what happened when I went out that day…I went out and so many men were acknowledging my appearance, literally it felt like nearly every man on the street, and believe me, I’m far from perfect, but I didn’t perceive any flaws about myself and it totally projected out. The effects really projected out.

    The mad thing is, I wore the same outfit the next, but felt insecure due something, and I never got the same reaction, and never had since that day of wearing the same outfit.

    I feel that it’s all about how a person feels internally because I’ve had other days were I’ve been out dressed nicely, and faked my body language and my feelings inside, and I’ve gotten a’lot of positive response from men, but it’s just a mask as those aren’t my unconscious believes.

    So I guess it’s a working progress, and who knows, maybe I can go out in future and I won’t be caring about what others think about myself appearance as I’ll already have enough self worth so it will just be my best self that gets manifested and people will like that.

    Focusing too much on appearance is a bit dangerous because I’m going to get older. My hopes is to build internal worth now as that will last forever :-).

    Thankyou for the grate article, and the tips, your a great help and my life has improved since I met you.

    I’m going to work on myself now, I start my psychology lessons today. As well as teaching myself maths and English, I shall be teaching myself psychology every Friday night and Saturday night for an hour and half. I actually want to study it for higher education when my grades are up to requirements, but who would excel…person (a) who starts a course knowing nothing, or person (b) who spends time putting effort in to learning the basics. That isn’t a real question but I am aiming to be the best version of myself to find the best man for me :-).

    Apparently people of the same mate rating attract, such as same level of education, same sort of background, same level of attractiveness, ect, so it’s about having complementary mate rating data, so I can only hope to be a happier, healthier, more whollesum version of myself.

    P.s, I remembered on the master class, David said that people learn best when there are no outside distractions and about focusing ect. Well that is a good help! I thought so, and now I try to eliminate all noise as I’m easily distracted enough.

  • blogster says:

    Renee I think a lot of your advice to women is good, as you seek to get them to see things from the male perspective. But i think this is concerning:
    “I want you to know that it is ok that you feel ANY of these things when a man pulls away, becomes distant and cold, and just goes quiet:

    – Suicidal

    – Terrified

    – Anger beyond belief

    – Abusive

    – Feel like screaming

    – Hateful

    – Jealous

    – Obsessive

    – Like your heart is being smashed in to pieces.”

    Imagine the outrage if men were given similar advice (e.g. being rejected for sex). Giving license to some of these feelings can be dangerous (particularly if acted on).

    • blogster says:

      also, how can you say stalking is OK? really? again, such advice would never be publicly published for men!

      • Nana says:

        Blogster, I think you don’t get exactly the point.

        What she means is that it is NORMAL, NATURAL to feel these destructive feelings, and that we don’t have to feel guilty to feel them. We NEVER have to feel guilty for what we feel, because if we feel them it is that there is a reason, that there is a part of us somewhere that is not feed properly. And then, accepting the feelings instead of denying them is the first step to overcome them.

        She does not mean to put actions from these destructive feelings, she just means to let us feel them, because if we refuse to feel them, if we deny them, they will stay in a way or another in our gut and ruin our life by using broken patterns.

        • blogster says:

          A direct quote:

          “Not because stalking or obsessing are wrong. They are not wrong.”

          No mentions of FEELING like stalking. Yet if this advice was given to men there would be outrage.

          Secondly, any man who felt those things in response to similar rejection would be told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.

          • Nana says:

            Yes I see what you mean and you are totally right. Men doing that, we call them “losers” we tell them “get a life”, we consider this is very freaky and low value. But we actually think the same of women stalking men, don’t worry XD

            And actually this is what Renee tries to make us understand I think : obsessing and stalking are unfortunately natural (because we usually act come from a place of fear and so on) but it is Low Value and she wants to encourage us to be High Value (by coming from a place of love and radiance). But to be High Value we first need to aknowledge our low value behaviors and not to flog ourselves for them. Because we need to understand what part within us is not feed/is scared/does not FEEL LOVE enough for itself first. And feeling like a bad/pathetic/freaky person won’t help us doing that.

            I agree,maybe Renee shouldnt have said :
            “Not because stalking or obsessing are wrong. They are not wrong.”

            But she rather should have said and I am sure this is what she actually meant :
            “The point is not wether stalking or obsessing are wrong or not. Of course it does not serve you or the person you are stalking/obsessing with. The point is that the FEELING you get and that MAKES YOU BEHAVE like that is NOT wrong. It just comes from a place of low value within yourself so you need to aknowledge and feel deep inside this feeling instead of reacting (by stalking etc…) to overcome it and stop being and behaving low value.”

            For sure some of her sentences are confusing but this also I think a way for her to provok a “shock”, to make us think and to make us accept OUR FEELINGS instead of hating/rejecting themselves and then ourselves. We rather need to listen to our emotions and feelings because they are the doors of our fears/gaps/old patterns.

            To summarize , her sentence indeed says that it is not wrong to stalk and obsess but what she actually means (and please Renee, tell us if I’m wrong), is that it does not serve us to feel guilty and pathetic if we act this way, it won’t help us to feel/act better. We rather need to listen to the emotions/feelings making us act this way, so we can work on ourselves, go back to our light/love/radiance and overcome our destructive feelings and behavior.

    • Riv says:

      It’s an important step towards owning your feelings, even the ones you’ve branded as “not okay.” I’m a woman with a lot going for me, in a relationship with a fabulous man who is committed to me and have felt EVERY SINGLE ONE of these in relation to his pulling away and my fears of abandonment. Including suicidal. Once when he was mad and stormed off and turned off his phone, I called the police to ask about accidents on the road, and called him at least 57 times. Crazy bitch, right? Well, maybe, but what Renee is saying about women is that our brains will do anything and generate this crazy obsessive noise to avoid feeling what we really feel. We’re less likely to own what we really feel, and less likely to dig deeper and get real answers if we castigate ourselves for feeling extremely negative things. Once we make ourselves wrong, the self-discovery ends. This is why Renee is making us not wrong to feel those things.

      And who cares what you’d see out there in regards to advice for men? I don’t feel that that is relevant. Unless you feel that women have to act in ways that MEN are expected to act, and I reject that proposition entirely.

    • Tenille says:

      Blogster is the most incessantly boring character. You have no real passion in what you say; you’re a bore.

  • Deb says:

    Thanks for this, Renee. So much of what you say echos my deepest instincts, and it’s a lot easier to listen to them because of you. I know what I know, but it’s hard to stay confident about it because my track record with men is so miserable. While experiencing a lot of pain over a man who was withdrawing, I had this thought (in the bath!): I will be made an honest woman eventually, not by having some man legitimate my feelings for him, but by owning them absolutely. What he said to me several weeks later, on withdrawing completely, was so hurtful and belittling. It’s good to be reminded that I wasn’t wrong just because I cared.

  • Maryann says:

    For the past 6 months I have been in a relationship with a man I met online. He has repeatedly told me I have “made his decade” and that he feels like he “won the lottery” when he met me. I hear from him everyday either by text, phone call, but mostly in person. I have met all of his family, and he has told me he loves me. There is never any feeling of him pulling away or going silent. We talk frequently about marriage. Both of us are in our forties and neither of us has been married before. I love him very much.

    I just wanted to say that my past relationships with men were nothing like this. Previous boyfriends have “gone silent”, pulled away, or even cheated on me. I see now how inappropriate these men were for me. Ladies, to not waste your time, love, and energy, on a man who does this to you. You have done nothing wrong, and you cannot change him. Just walk away. Put your energies into those who treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

  • Silvia says:

    Rene, you absolutely must write a book. Your posts helped me so so much. Thank you for helping me find the true femininity in me. (Engaged to a great man, after realizing slowly what is written in this wise post and the general philosophy of Rene)

  • Jane says:

    I so needed this! I was just lying in bed scheming things because it’s been three days since he texted me and before that he went almost two weeks without saying boo. You’re right, obsessing over him is just me trying to cover up the real issue. The real issue is: I’m afraid if being abandoned. I’m constantly counting the days in between texts or calls and constantly waiting for him to say he’s found someone else so I can be all “Yup. Knew it. It’s fine.” It’s not fine. I’m so scared that he’ll never text me again. But it’s also not okay for me to keep obsessing like this. It’s eating away at me. I’m eating away at myself. thank you so much!!!

    • Renee Wade says:

      It’s so easy to obsess. “I’m eating away at myself” – this is a lovely way to describe what it is like….

      But, I think that feeling our feelings freely actually doesn’t eat away at us. It acknowledges the truth. Feelings are true.

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