Don’t let your lack of confidence kill your relationship with a man
I know sometimes relationships and dating with men is scary.
In your career, you have so much more control, and with friends, if something doesn’t go right – you will eventually find more friends.
But in an intimate relationship with a man, rejection can feel like death. In an intimate relationship with a man, if you open yourself up, he could leave or take advantage of you. At least it feels that way sometimes, doesn’t it?
That’s because as humans we are wired to seek out a mate – to pass on our genes, and to have our children be taken care of, and so we get SO invested when we love or are in love with someone. To lose it feels like you might as well die, at times.
Rejection – though we don’t want to think about it consciously, is another reminder that we may not pass on our genes. At least it is to our subconscious mind. And it’s another reminder that we might not get to experience that thing that we all want: LOVE.
Confidence is critical to your success with men and in a relationship
This is why confidence is crucial to your happiness and security in a relationship.
I hear from far too many women that they aren’t confident in their love life – or that they just cannot find confidence when it comes to men.
What could be worse?
Honestly, that feeling that you’re not enough, that feeling that no matter what you do, it’s never enough?
And I don’t believe you deserve to feel NOT confident, so I’m going to give you tips to build the confidence you need to have with a man.
If you take what I’m about to teach you about HOW to become more confident with men and USE it, you’ll start to feel more love from the man you’re with.
And if you’re single, you’ll start to see more men wanting to ask you out and take you out.
See, if you don’t have confidence, you are basically ruining your chances of being loved and cared for fully by a man that you want.
Without confidence, you increase your chances of being left by a man, you increase your chances of being cheated on, and the likelihood of a relationship failing for you is high.
I know that sounds kind of dramatic, and it seems like a downer to think that you have to be confident to get the love that you want.
Like, why can’t you just be down sometimes and still be loved, right? Well, it’s not as much of a downer as you think.
The reason is because, being confident is really about giving to YOURSELF first. And if you’re not giving to yourself first, then you cannot possibly give to a man.
It’s not about being confident so that other people can love you more and admire you more. It’s about gifting yourself with confidence so that you can approach your love life with more to bring to the table.
Without Confidence; Attraction dies off, and the Relationship Dies off
The reason a lack of confidence is such a relationship-killer, and the reason why confidence is especially such an ATTRACTION killer is because, when you’re not confident, you usually act from a place within yourself that TAKES value from other people, you usually act from a place within yourself that sucks life, energy and resources from other people’s lives without even knowing it.
A lack of Confidence in Yourself Leads to You Sucking Value from a Man
When you’re not confident, when you’re insecure; you tend to look EXTERNALLY, to OTHERS for reasons to feel good about yourself.
And nobody wants to always be dealing with the problems of a partner who has no confidence!
A little bit is ok; if that person loves you. For a little while, they might give you wings to fly. But after a while, it’s like: ‘screw that.’
Settling for being Insecure OVER Being Confident
Who really wants to be dealing with somebody who sucks life away from us? Life can be painful enough already.
So it’s CRITICAL that you give yourself the GIFT of feeling confident, and don’t just settle for: ‘oh, I’m insecure because of this thing my mum used to say to me…’
This doesn’t mean you can’t have bad moments. I want you to be able to have bad moments. I’d seriously be upset if you were with a man who just up and left you the minute you had a bad moment.
It’s more about just realizing how your viewpoints and actions affect a man, how it affects HIS quality of life, and how it ultimately affects the way MEN treat you.
The fake confidence of ‘pretending’ everything is ‘ok’ and that you have no fears…
A lot of women (without knowing it), try to become more confident with a man, and in doing so, they subconsciously start thinking that they have to pretend everything is ‘ok’, and they think that they have to ‘have it together’ all the time.
No! No, no no.
A PART of being confident is acknowledging that you are scared as hell, a part of confidence is knowing that fear is a part of life, and a part of being confident is being ok with the fact that you have insecurities.
It’s when you constantly SUCK value from other people and use ‘I’m insecure’ as an EXCUSE for sucking value from people’s lives that it gets really hard for a man.
It only takes a man a few Seconds to feel your bad energy from your lack of confidence
By the way, if you’re just dating: it only takes him one date (or one second!) to feel your bad energy coming from your lack of confidence. Maybe that’s why he didn’t call back?
Does this all make sense?
I’ll give you an example of how a lack of confidence makes you project a bad energy to men.
You sit down with a man over dinner, and you talk over dinner, and you’re having a great conversation, and at some point, you admit to him, that yeah, relationships are scary, and you have fears, but that you love to open yourself to loving a man and to a relationship with a man far too much to focus solely on your fears.
You sit down with a man, and try to act like you’re not scared. You mull over almost every little thing you say to work out whether it was the right or wrong thing to say. And, you analyze everything he does and try to work out whether he likes you or not.
Which do you think adds more value to his life?
Which do you think would more likely inspire him want to be with you?
In both scenarios, you have the SAME fears – Let me get this straight.
Your fear are STILL the SAME. Ultimately, fears are all the same. The fear is that you’re not adequate, and that you won’t get love. Whether you make this fear out to be that you’re ‘just shy’, or that ‘you’ve never had any luck with men’.
We all have this fear. It’s not just you.
And often enough, we may go through a time where we think ‘I’m not afraid of anything anymore!’ and then of course, life goes on, and yet again you reach a point where your fears are triggered. If you’re fears aren’t ever triggered, and you never push through them; you’re not growing, you’re just dying.
You may try to act ‘popular’, ‘cool’ and ‘nice’ and like the kind of woman who never complains and is never disappointed. But the fears are still there.
Shift the focus….
Shift your thoughts for a minute from interacting with a man to just friendship.
What about with a friend?
What is more valuable to YOU as a friend?
1) The girlfriend who ‘seems’ confident and self-assured; who never really opens up to you but is always chasing attention from men, popularity and sex ie: she fakes confidence by never opening up and admitting she has fears; or
2) The girlfriend who is actually willing to CONNECT with you and acknowledge that she has fears, and that that is totally ok?
Again, part of being confident is in being ok with your own fears, and not judging yourself for it. So, which girlfriend earns your trust, really? Which girlfriend are you more likely to VALUE in your life?
Which one of these girlfriends are you more likely to want GIVE to?
It’s the same principal with having a relationship with a man.
Authenticity gives a Man a chance to feel safe with you and Take Care of You…
See, the difference between scenario 1 and 2 above, is that in scenario 2, you add VALUE to the man’s life, because you’re ‘ok’ with your fears, and that in turn makes things far easier for HIM to deal with.
Why? Because you’re being authentic.
He can, in turn, actually have the chance to take care of you! HE can in turn, feel safe with YOU! Why? Because you’re not acting from a place of fear, so you don’t trigger HIS fears. Know what I’m saying?
Oh YES, HE has fears too! Even the most attractive, successful men and women have the same fears as you.
We all have fears.
They’re NOT going away.
You can work with the fears – you can quiet the fearful voice.
But fears will always exist.
They’re resilient buggers!
So, in thinking about the second scenario, honestly, it’d probably be more fulfilling to sit at home with your pot plant because in the second scenario, you’re constantly trying to validate yourself externally. This is what a lack of confidence does to you – you end up constantly trying to control everything; rather than just being able to relax and make things happen in your love life.
YOU’RE not even ok with yourself.
You’re not even ok with your own fears – you can’t even forgive yourself, how can a MAN trust you in a relationship with you?
How can HE feel safe enough with you to actually pursue a RELATIONSHIP with you, if you act like the woman in the second scenario?
The Secret to REAL Confidence with Men
Real confidence is not necessarily those women who are all ‘out there’, ’popular’, willing to wear sexy clothes and ‘willing to speak their minds’.
Real confidence is knowing your worth – it’s knowing that you have value to give EVEN WHEN you feel at your lowest!
And with a man, that’s certainly true.
So, when it comes to having confidence in dating or a reationship with a man -
How do you know if what you’re doing is not going to turn him off??
How do you know if what you’re doing will keep him IN the relationship with you?
What do you do if you feel like you are hanging on every word a man says, or every action he takes, and that this dictates how happy you will feel that day?
How do you get the confidence to be yourself without fearing that he’ll get angry, leave you, or judge you?
Well, you cannot possibly know that EVERYTHING you are doing is going to be the right thing to do to get what you want from him EVERY TIME (he’s a human being, and not always predictable, not like a TV remote where you can press the channel and the right channel automatically comes on!), but you CAN have certainty within yourself to the extent that what you’re doing is the best you can do at the time.
And having this CERTAINTY within yourself will allow you to be able to handle every upset that happens in your dating life, and in your relationship, because you’re no longer coming from a place of FEAR.
Having CERTAINTY and Confidence within yourself allows you to bounce back from relationship and dating upsets…
And ever better – when you have that certainty (which is really just confidence) – you will be able to bounce back from relationship upsets much faster, much better, and of course, you’ll actually be able to repair the bond with a man and make it FAR STRONGER than it was to start with!
A woman who is not confident cannot do this, because when you’re not confident; and when you’re in a terrible place where you’re fearful, you usually make TERRIBLE decisions. But decisions made from a place of confidence are usually the decisions you thank yourself for.
So, here are some action steps to start feeling confident:
1) MAKE yourself DO something.
Make yourself do new and uncomfortable things – and then keep getting better and better at them. Master something new.
Do that thing you said you always were going to ‘get around to’ doing. Was it a dance class? A gym membership? Was it taking up a new course? Just mastering some new concept? Or taking up rowing or something fancy like that.
Why? And how is this going to help? Because doing new things is UNCOMFORTABLE.
You don’t build confidence by doing what was comfortable the day before today, and continue doing that the rest of your life.
That will get you death (less and LESS confidence – to the point where you’re scared to even leave the house!). Not confidence.
You’ll make it in life, if you live this way. You’ll get to the end of your years, but probably would have been miserable and lacking in confidence most of the time.
Once you start to make yourself DO something – you may not believe me right now, but you will when you do it – you’ll start to feel more certain in your worth, partly because you’ve changed your physiology.
Making yourself get out of the house or the office and do something uncomfortable has a far reaching effect on your physical body, which also affects your thought process, your mood and of course, how you treat men. When you repeatedly put yourself in a place that is uncomfortable, and you stop running on habit all the time; you start to build emotional and physical muscle that adds to your feeling of confidence, and ultimately, adds to your ability to start and maintain a passionate relationship with a man.
This is because you are now actively doing something different than what you did the day before.
Confidence is built through doing things that are inconvenient, uncomfortable and scary.
So do it. Pick one thing and do it TODAY.
I do this all the time. I spent some years justifying to myself why I could just sit at home, avoiding social situations, and not learning or doing new things. I was being a loser, really. Thought I was somewhat cool – really, I was just scared.
I still did ALL the things I’d always done – which were; run a lot; keep up physical fitness, study my Law degree – but in all other areas of my life (my friendships, my relationship), I was totally not confident; simply because though I had achieved a lot; I was still just doing what I’d always done – and over time, what was once HARD, was now easy.
So I wasn’t growing.
And then I decided. I made a decision to take on dance, to take an expensive (and results- oriented personal growth seminar) and commit to it.
And I can tell you, the emotional state I was in at times made it very hard to continue on with that commitment.
For example, I am someone who has grown up being told that dancing is BAD and that I shouldn’t do it – that it was bad to do things that would ’seduce’ men or make me ‘feel sexy’.
In fact, I was punished for doing these things. So, beginning dancing with a room full of women who had danced before while I hadn’t – sometimes I pressed on in those dance classes with tears in my eyes.
But afterwards, I was on top of the world. And NOW – that on top of the wold feeling has STUCK with me, because I continue to MAKE MYSELF DO THINGS. No matter how hard they are, and no matter how much TIME they take out of my day.
And that on top of the world feeling I got from doing what was uncomfortable transferred to my love life. I had the RESOURCES to bring more love, excitement, passion and femininity to my relationship.
2) Notice the words you habitually use to describe yourself when it comes to dating or your relationship, and if those words totally suck, replace them with new words.
For example, do you often like to remind yourself and other people that you are ‘shy’? And because of this reason, you can’t meet men or get them to approach you?
Well, you’re not shy, you’re scared.
Notice how ‘agreeable’ and ‘under the radar’ that word ‘SHY’ is?
No one can be on your back for being shy, so it’s a great word to use to keep justifying why you are having no luck with men or in the social scene. Because people will more like be like ‘oh, poor you! You’re shy!’
So, you’re not SHY.
Don’t be afraid to tell yourself that.
That’s ALL that it is. You’re fearful, you’re scared, you’re jittery, you are afraid that you won’t be loved and accepted.
Shy is just a glossy word for FEAR.
So start replacing the old words you use to describe yourself with ’I'm scared’.
How will THIS help?
It will help by forcing you to see it as it is. Not just lying to yourself and telling yourself a bunch of fluff.
You’re giving yourself a great gift by doing this, because you then get to decide if you want to move forward.
The words you use to describe yourself are powerful. Words are one of the most powerful things us humans use in our lives – and we can either use them to create a change or use them to lower the quality of our own lives (in this case, your love life).
Using the word FEAR will put you in an uncomfortable place that forces you to NOT turn back! And to make something happen in your love life!
It’s like people who like to say ‘Oh I’m you know, not SMART enough to do that!!’
No, you’re scared. We can all be smart enough.
So this is what I want you to do right now to make sure that tomorrow you are 5 times more confident that you felt today:
1) call up a friend, or sit down and speak to your mom or a family member.
TELL them you’re scared.
Sit them down and say ‘hey, you know, I’ve been thinking….I have just had no CONFIDENCE with the man in my life. And the truth is…
I’m just scared. I’m scared as hell that I’ll be rejected. I’m scared that I will be hurt.’
Force yourself to actually verbalize the TRUTH.
And tell that person that you are ok with being scared, and that you will do something new so that the ‘fearful’ voice starts to go away.
2) Ask this friend or your family member to HOLD you to your decision (the decision you made above) to make yourself do something UNCOMFORTABLE and challenging.
Tell them exactly what you need to do in your life so that you can stop approaching your love life with fear, and start gaining CONFIDENCE. This will all help you IMMEDIATELY to get you on your journey to developing that inner certainty that will also transfer to your love life.
Confidence in one area of your life breeds confidence in other areas of you life, too.
Lots of love to you – have fun with it, and tell me how you go.