Don’t let your lack of confidence kill your relationship with a man
I know sometimes relationships and dating with men is scary.
In your career, you have so much more control, and with friends, if something doesn’t go right – you will eventually find more friends.
But in an intimate relationship with a man, rejection can feel like death. In an intimate relationship with a man, if you open yourself up, he could leave or take advantage of you. At least it feels that way sometimes, doesn’t it?
That’s because as humans we are wired to seek out a mate – to pass on our genes, and to have our children be taken care of, and so we get SO invested when we love or are in love with someone. To lose it feels like you might as well die, at times.
Rejection – though we don’t want to think about it consciously, is another reminder that we may not pass on our genes. At least it is to our subconscious mind. And it’s another reminder that we might not get to experience that thing that we all want: LOVE.
Confidence is critical to your success with men and in a relationship
This is why confidence is crucial to your happiness and security in a relationship.
I hear from far too many women that they aren’t confident in their love life – or that they just cannot find confidence when it comes to men.
What could be worse?
Honestly, that feeling that you’re not enough, that feeling that no matter what you do, it’s never enough?
And I don’t believe you deserve to feel NOT confident, so I’m going to give you tips to build the confidence you need to have with a man.
If you take what I’m about to teach you about HOW to become more confident with men and USE it, you’ll start to feel more love from the man you’re with.
And if you’re single, you’ll start to see more men wanting to ask you out and take you out.
See, if you don’t have confidence, you are basically ruining your chances of being loved and cared for fully by a man that you want.
Without confidence, you increase your chances of being left by a man, you increase your chances of being cheated on, and the likelihood of a relationship failing for you is high.
I know that sounds kind of dramatic, and it seems like a downer to think that you have to be confident to get the love that you want.
Like, why can’t you just be down sometimes and still be loved, right? Well, it’s not as much of a downer as you think.
The reason is because, being confident is really about giving to YOURSELF first. And if you’re not giving to yourself first, then you cannot possibly give to a man.
It’s not about being confident so that other people can love you more and admire you more. It’s about gifting yourself with confidence so that you can approach your love life with more to bring to the table.
Without Confidence; Attraction dies off, and the Relationship Dies off
The reason a lack of confidence is such a relationship-killer, and the reason why confidence is especially such an ATTRACTION killer is because, when you’re not confident, you usually act from a place within yourself that TAKES value from other people, you usually act from a place within yourself that sucks life, energy and resources from other people’s lives without even knowing it.
A lack of Confidence in Yourself Leads to You Sucking Value from a Man
When you’re not confident, when you’re insecure; you tend to look EXTERNALLY, to OTHERS for reasons to feel good about yourself.
And nobody wants to always be dealing with the problems of a partner who has no confidence!
A little bit is ok; if that person loves you. For a little while, they might give you wings to fly. But after a while, it’s like: ‘screw that.’
Settling for being Insecure OVER Being Confident
Who really wants to be dealing with somebody who sucks life away from us? Life can be painful enough already.
So it’s CRITICAL that you give yourself the GIFT of feeling confident, and don’t just settle for: ‘oh, I’m insecure because of this thing my mum used to say to me…’
This doesn’t mean you can’t have bad moments. I want you to be able to have bad moments. I’d seriously be upset if you were with a man who just up and left you the minute you had a bad moment.
It’s more about just realizing how your viewpoints and actions affect a man, how it affects HIS quality of life, and how it ultimately affects the way MEN treat you.
The fake confidence of ‘pretending’ everything is ‘ok’ and that you have no fears…
A lot of women (without knowing it), try to become more confident with a man, and in doing so, they subconsciously start thinking that they have to pretend everything is ‘ok’, and they think that they have to ‘have it together’ all the time.
No! No, no no.
A PART of being confident is acknowledging that you are scared as hell, a part of confidence is knowing that fear is a part of life, and a part of being confident is being ok with the fact that you have insecurities.
It’s when you constantly SUCK value from other people and use ‘I’m insecure’ as an EXCUSE for sucking value from people’s lives that it gets really hard for a man.
It only takes a man a few Seconds to feel your bad energy from your lack of confidence
By the way, if you’re just dating: it only takes him one date (or one second!) to feel your bad energy coming from your lack of confidence. Maybe that’s why he didn’t call back?
Does this all make sense?
I’ll give you an example of how a lack of confidence makes you project a bad energy to men.
Scenario 1:
You sit down with a man over dinner, and you talk over dinner, and you’re having a great conversation, and at some point, you admit to him, that yeah, relationships are scary, and you have fears, but that you love to open yourself to loving a man and to a relationship with a man far too much to focus solely on your fears.
Scenario 2:
You sit down with a man, and try to act like you’re not scared. You mull over almost every little thing you say to work out whether it was the right or wrong thing to say. And, you analyze everything he does and try to work out whether he likes you or not.
Which do you think adds more value to his life?
Which do you think would more likely inspire him want to be with you?
In both scenarios, you have the SAME fears – Let me get this straight.
Your fear are STILL the SAME. Ultimately, fears are all the same. The fear is that you’re not adequate, and that you won’t get love. Whether you make this fear out to be that you’re ‘just shy’, or that ‘you’ve never had any luck with men’.
We all have this fear. It’s not just you.
And often enough, we may go through a time where we think ‘I’m not afraid of anything anymore!’ and then of course, life goes on, and yet again you reach a point where your fears are triggered. If you’re fears aren’t ever triggered, and you never push through them; you’re not growing, you’re just dying.
You may try to act ‘popular’, ‘cool’ and ‘nice’ and like the kind of woman who never complains and is never disappointed. But the fears are still there.
Shift the focus….
Shift your thoughts for a minute from interacting with a man to just friendship.
What about with a friend?
What is more valuable to YOU as a friend?
1) The girlfriend who ‘seems’ confident and self-assured; who never really opens up to you but is always chasing attention from men, popularity and sex ie: she fakes confidence by never opening up and admitting she has fears; or
2) The girlfriend who is actually willing to CONNECT with you and acknowledge that she has fears, and that that is totally ok?
Again, part of being confident is in being ok with your own fears, and not judging yourself for it. So, which girlfriend earns your trust, really? Which girlfriend are you more likely to VALUE in your life?
Which one of these girlfriends are you more likely to want GIVE to?
It’s the same principal with having a relationship with a man.
Authenticity gives a Man a chance to feel safe with you and Take Care of You…
See, the difference between scenario 1 and 2 above, is that in scenario 2, you add VALUE to the man’s life, because you’re ‘ok’ with your fears, and that in turn makes things far easier for HIM to deal with.
Why? Because you’re being authentic.
He can, in turn, actually have the chance to take care of you! HE can in turn, feel safe with YOU! Why? Because you’re not acting from a place of fear, so you don’t trigger HIS fears. Know what I’m saying?
Oh YES, HE has fears too! Even the most attractive, successful men and women have the same fears as you.
We all have fears.
They’re NOT going away.
You can work with the fears – you can quiet the fearful voice.
But fears will always exist.
They’re resilient buggers!
So, in thinking about the second scenario, honestly, it’d probably be more fulfilling to sit at home with your pot plant because in the second scenario, you’re constantly trying to validate yourself externally. This is what a lack of confidence does to you – you end up constantly trying to control everything; rather than just being able to relax and make things happen in your love life.
YOU’RE not even ok with yourself.
You’re not even ok with your own fears – you can’t even forgive yourself, how can a MAN trust you in a relationship with you?
How can HE feel safe enough with you to actually pursue a RELATIONSHIP with you, if you act like the woman in the second scenario?
The Secret to REAL Confidence with Men
Real confidence is not necessarily those women who are all ‘out there’, ’popular’, willing to wear sexy clothes and ‘willing to speak their minds’.
Real confidence is knowing your worth – it’s knowing that you have value to give EVEN WHEN you feel at your lowest!
And with a man, that’s certainly true.
So, when it comes to having confidence in dating or a reationship with a man -
How do you know if what you’re doing is not going to turn him off??
How do you know if what you’re doing will keep him IN the relationship with you?
What do you do if you feel like you are hanging on every word a man says, or every action he takes, and that this dictates how happy you will feel that day?
How do you get the confidence to be yourself without fearing that he’ll get angry, leave you, or judge you?
Well, you cannot possibly know that EVERYTHING you are doing is going to be the right thing to do to get what you want from him EVERY TIME (he’s a human being, and not always predictable, not like a TV remote where you can press the channel and the right channel automatically comes on!), but you CAN have certainty within yourself to the extent that what you’re doing is the best you can do at the time.
And having this CERTAINTY within yourself will allow you to be able to handle every upset that happens in your dating life, and in your relationship, because you’re no longer coming from a place of FEAR.
Having CERTAINTY and Confidence within yourself allows you to bounce back from relationship and dating upsets…
And ever better – when you have that certainty (which is really just confidence) – you will be able to bounce back from relationship upsets much faster, much better, and of course, you’ll actually be able to repair the bond with a man and make it FAR STRONGER than it was to start with!
A woman who is not confident cannot do this, because when you’re not confident; and when you’re in a terrible place where you’re fearful, you usually make TERRIBLE decisions. But decisions made from a place of confidence are usually the decisions you thank yourself for.
So, here are some action steps to start feeling confident:
1) MAKE yourself DO something.
Make yourself do new and uncomfortable things – and then keep getting better and better at them. Master something new.
Do that thing you said you always were going to ‘get around to’ doing. Was it a dance class? A gym membership? Was it taking up a new course? Just mastering some new concept? Or taking up rowing or something fancy like that.
Why? And how is this going to help? Because doing new things is UNCOMFORTABLE.
You don’t build confidence by doing what was comfortable the day before today, and continue doing that the rest of your life.
That will get you death (less and LESS confidence – to the point where you’re scared to even leave the house!). Not confidence.
You’ll make it in life, if you live this way. You’ll get to the end of your years, but probably would have been miserable and lacking in confidence most of the time.
Once you start to make yourself DO something – you may not believe me right now, but you will when you do it – you’ll start to feel more certain in your worth, partly because you’ve changed your physiology.
Making yourself get out of the house or the office and do something uncomfortable has a far reaching effect on your physical body, which also affects your thought process, your mood and of course, how you treat men. When you repeatedly put yourself in a place that is uncomfortable, and you stop running on habit all the time; you start to build emotional and physical muscle that adds to your feeling of confidence, and ultimately, adds to your ability to start and maintain a passionate relationship with a man.
This is because you are now actively doing something different than what you did the day before.
Confidence is built through doing things that are inconvenient, uncomfortable and scary.
So do it. Pick one thing and do it TODAY.
I do this all the time. I spent some years justifying to myself why I could just sit at home, avoiding social situations, and not learning or doing new things. I was being a loser, really. Thought I was somewhat cool – really, I was just scared.
I still did ALL the things I’d always done – which were; run a lot; keep up physical fitness, study my Law degree – but in all other areas of my life (my friendships, my relationship), I was totally not confident; simply because though I had achieved a lot; I was still just doing what I’d always done – and over time, what was once HARD, was now easy.
So I wasn’t growing.
And then I decided. I made a decision to take on dance, to take an expensive (and results- oriented personal growth seminar) and commit to it.
And I can tell you, the emotional state I was in at times made it very hard to continue on with that commitment.
For example, I am someone who has grown up being told that dancing is BAD and that I shouldn’t do it – that it was bad to do things that would ’seduce’ men or make me ‘feel sexy’.
In fact, I was punished for doing these things. So, beginning dancing with a room full of women who had danced before while I hadn’t – sometimes I pressed on in those dance classes with tears in my eyes.
But afterwards, I was on top of the world. And NOW – that on top of the wold feeling has STUCK with me, because I continue to MAKE MYSELF DO THINGS. No matter how hard they are, and no matter how much TIME they take out of my day.
And that on top of the world feeling I got from doing what was uncomfortable transferred to my love life. I had the RESOURCES to bring more love, excitement, passion and femininity to my relationship.
2) Notice the words you habitually use to describe yourself when it comes to dating or your relationship, and if those words totally suck, replace them with new words.
For example, do you often like to remind yourself and other people that you are ‘shy’? And because of this reason, you can’t meet men or get them to approach you?
Well, you’re not shy, you’re scared.
Notice how ‘agreeable’ and ‘under the radar’ that word ‘SHY’ is?
No one can be on your back for being shy, so it’s a great word to use to keep justifying why you are having no luck with men or in the social scene. Because people will more like be like ‘oh, poor you! You’re shy!’
So, you’re not SHY.
You’re scared.
Don’t be afraid to tell yourself that.
That’s ALL that it is. You’re fearful, you’re scared, you’re jittery, you are afraid that you won’t be loved and accepted.
Shy is just a glossy word for FEAR.
So start replacing the old words you use to describe yourself with ’I'm scared’.
How will THIS help?
It will help by forcing you to see it as it is. Not just lying to yourself and telling yourself a bunch of fluff.
You’re giving yourself a great gift by doing this, because you then get to decide if you want to move forward.
The words you use to describe yourself are powerful. Words are one of the most powerful things us humans use in our lives – and we can either use them to create a change or use them to lower the quality of our own lives (in this case, your love life).
Using the word FEAR will put you in an uncomfortable place that forces you to NOT turn back! And to make something happen in your love life!
It’s like people who like to say ‘Oh I’m you know, not SMART enough to do that!!’
No, you’re scared. We can all be smart enough.
So this is what I want you to do right now to make sure that tomorrow you are 5 times more confident that you felt today:
1) call up a friend, or sit down and speak to your mom or a family member.
TELL them you’re scared.
Sit them down and say ‘hey, you know, I’ve been thinking….I have just had no CONFIDENCE with the man in my life. And the truth is…
I’m just scared. I’m scared as hell that I’ll be rejected. I’m scared that I will be hurt.’
Force yourself to actually verbalize the TRUTH.
And tell that person that you are ok with being scared, and that you will do something new so that the ‘fearful’ voice starts to go away.
2) Ask this friend or your family member to HOLD you to your decision (the decision you made above) to make yourself do something UNCOMFORTABLE and challenging.
Tell them exactly what you need to do in your life so that you can stop approaching your love life with fear, and start gaining CONFIDENCE. This will all help you IMMEDIATELY to get you on your journey to developing that inner certainty that will also transfer to your love life.
Confidence in one area of your life breeds confidence in other areas of you life, too.
Lots of love to you – have fun with it, and tell me how you go.
Share and Enjoy
Tags: confidence dating, confidence with men, dating confidence, how to get confidence, how to have self confidence, self confidence, women with confidence
Leave A Reply (36 comments so far)
Katka
16 days ago
AMAZING! You absolutely hit the point! Omg, no one would express better what I am going through. I am scared, I was scared! THANK YOU RENEE!
[Reply]
ellejae
77 days ago
This Article TRULY turned my Life around & I wanted to let you know, how much of a Inspiration this was to me!!! THANK YOU!!! This guy I’m seeing made this little comment to me “your showing alittle bit of lack of self confidence & that can be a turn off” – I looked up info on the internet & this article popped up & was the answer to ALL MY questions!!!! I lack the just letting things be & ask way too many questions (in my head I just want to know where things stand) where to the guy I now see can be seen as needy or lack of confidence. AND… everything else in this Article was “spot on” for what I am going through with trying to be a better person (all around)!!!
THANKS AOT, ellejae
[Reply]
Renee Wade Reply:
April 3rd, 2013 at 1:08 am
You’re most welcome, Ellejae
Thank You for taking in the information and using it! xox
[Reply]
Mikayla
142 days ago
Iv’e always been the more confident type. It wasn’t that hard for me to be who I am, until i met this guy. We liked each other from a distance for a couple months. Finally, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and we were both happy. But,after a month of dating him, I am still not feeling that confident with myself. Im just really shy around him and its not going to work out. My thought are to END the relationship and start over as friends, so i can be more comfortable. I can feel this guy slipping away, so, i want to make the first move into a brighter direction rather then not talking to him at all if he dumps me. Any thoughts? Reply?
[Reply]
Mona Reply:
March 27th, 2013 at 11:54 pm
I find that notion of breaking up with someone just because he MIGHT break up first bizarre. Does he do anything to “make you feel” insecure, although obviously true only person who can make you feel like that is yourself.
[Reply]
Sarah
401 days ago
After reading your article things started to come into play for me. I always say I am shy when it comes to guys. I have this lack of confidence when dating or in a relationship. I am always wondering if he wants to take things to the next level with me or always finding reasons why he would not want to be with me. I would love to get married one day and have a family but I need to get over this “shyness” that I keep pounding in my head. I really enjoyed this article and I want to get up and DO something I would have never done. Thank you and hope to see more of your articles.
[Reply]
Brianne
427 days ago
Wow. This really hit home with me. Holding myself back because of fear.
Looking back in my life I see times that I got out, did what I wanted and I was so much more fulfilled, more confident. I had men falling over themselves to date me…Then the last few years where I allowed myself to stay at home, turn down invites to go out with friends, not doing all the things I said I was going to do, no dates, no men, no LIFE. How did that happen, I don’t know. Fear took over. The longer you allow it to happen the easier it is to hide away, the easier the excuses come. To go from a up-for-anything girl to a never-leave-the-house girl is a big change, and one I’m going to reverse!
I think this article has woken me up, I may read it everyday for a while, to keep me inspired.
Right now, who cares if I haven’t had a relationship in years? I need to do some work on ME first, then the rest will come. I’m going to make a list of some of the things I keep saying I’m going to do and DO some of them. Some of them I can’t do, no literally can’t. I don’t think they’ll let me skydive at 6 months pregnant LOL but there is no reason I can’t take a dance class (I used to belly dance) or finally learn the guitar (I’ve only had it for 8 years) or take french (been saying I’ll do that for at least 10 years).
It is time. Time to start LIVING life, not go through the motions and be satisfied with just existing. I want, no I NEED to be fully participating and a part of my life!
<3 Renee, I'll keep stalking your blogs for more inspiration
[Reply]
Brianne Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 5:04 pm
Well I’ve signed up for guitar lessons, they start on Tuesday!
And today I did something I thought I’d NEVER do! I posed for my maternity photo’s in the nude. Now ladies before you judge, let me just say if you ever wanted to become comfortable with your body this is the quickest way to do that. Celebrating the female body in an artistic way! (They are very tasteful and you can’t see anything.) I can’t believe how empowered I feel.
I may never show them to anyone, that wasn’t the point. The point was to take your advice Renee, get out and DO something, MOVE. I don’t know if you are reading this but this girl is taking your advice and moving!!
[Reply]
Sam
462 days ago
Hi Renee
Love this article, your advice is very helpful
xx
[Reply]
Tanya
520 days ago
Renee, I just love that you cover the word “shy” here. It’s so true! For years I called myself “shy” (which kind of just evolved from kids calling me shy when I was little) – and it took me until just recently to realize that all I’ve been is scared. So once I acknowledged the fear and where it comes from, it’s been important to me to change the way I talk to myself – and about myself – around other people. I no longer even use the word “shy”, which is a big improvement for me.
Great post all around, good practical advice as always.
[Reply]
Jason Fonceca Reply:
January 16th, 2012 at 2:21 pm
You’re definitely *out there* now, Tanya, no fear
Keep rockin’!
[Reply]
Becka
605 days ago
Hi Renee, My lack of Confidence has already killed my relationship with the love of my life. I was always doubting him and let his mood affect mine. When he was upset i would think it was because of me. Not good. I’ve started doing new things and living instead of not. Do you think I can get this man back?
[Reply]
Jason Fonceca Reply:
October 22nd, 2011 at 9:46 pm
Hi Becka! Whatever happens, I just want to appreciate your attitude. Honest and focused on solutions. I love seeing people relate and grow *together*, and it feels like your heart is in it. Whatever happens, good for you!
Also, I find Renee’s perspectives to be some of the most powerful and refreshing on the net. You’re in good hands.
[Reply]
Tanya Reply:
January 15th, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Jason! Fancy seeing you here.
It’s no wonder your name sounded familiar to me, you must be in even more places on the net I’ve been, ha. You’re so right about Renee, her content and programs have changed my life.
[Reply]
Jason Fonceca Reply:
January 16th, 2012 at 2:24 pm
So glad you noticed Tanya
I am EVERYWHERE. Believe it.
I’m focused, I’m passionate, and I’m inspired by people like my hometown superstar…
“And if I don’t do nothing, I’mma ball.
I’m counting all day like a clock on the wall.” – Drake, Underground Kings
He collaborates and engages… *everyone*
Let’s be honest though, Renee attracts people like us — it just makes sense we’d connect here
(you rock Renee!)
Ki'yah
608 days ago
Hey Renee! Enjoyed reading this article! Still need to work on my confidence. I noticed I’m a lot more afraid of men than I am of women. Think it’s due to bad experiences. Each time my exes left me, they met someone shortly after and fell hard for them. What made it worse was that both my exes said and their gfs implied (one even said she was better than me because she was marrying my ex) that they were better than me, rubbing it in my face. And it really shut me down. Add to that the other things I was going through and it was brutal. I really hated myself and for a while I was too afraid to date. I mean I still had offers, but I wouldn’t take the chance.
Reading this gave me hope and more reason to do something for myself. Thanks again
[Reply]
zigma pluto
628 days ago
Dear Renee
I am speechless. I do not need to print this article out, or make notes from it, as I always do, or even read it twice. Every word you say went right through my soul. Every word rings true. It felt like, the quiet inner voice inside of me, that speaks to me, to go on, is now speaking through you, loud and clear, and there is no hiding away from it now. I could actually feel the gears shifting inside of me , as I was reading your article.This time, I did not decide to do this and that, I just got up and did it. I told my husband I am going to take the imp exam I have been procastinating for so long, because I was scared I would fail, although my excuses were..kids are small and don’t let me study, too much housework, I am dull sitting at home for too long etc. I e-mailed a friend about my decision. I completed the application form sitting on my desk for so long, and I am going to mail it today. I will call my mom today, and tell her I am actually not confident in my relationship with my husband, but am willing to work on it.I know change will not come overnight, i will have to work really hard as I have allowed myself to be down in the dumps for way too long, but I am not worried now. I will have a lot of inner resistence to change, I will still keep on doing it, one step at a time.And I know I will be all right.
Giving examples from your own life was very touching, Renee. Yes, you are gifted, because you have the courage to give, from your innermost core, and touch hearts and souls of people in the process.
Has anyone heard about the ho’oponopono technique by dr Heu len? He believes in 100% responsibility and says that whatever we experience from other people, it really is our own memories playing and making people behave that way to us.For example, if a woman feels her man is neglecting her, she should ask herself “what is doing on with me that is triggering such behaviour from him?’Much in alignment with what Renee always says.i find it really true, only in real stressfull situations, I tend to ignore it and dwell in self pity.Something I am committed to work on from now on.
I can never thank you enough Renee. I am gratefull to you, real gratefull.
[Reply]
Jason Fonceca Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 11:54 am
Beautiful sharing Zigma. And I *love* Dr. Hew Len, fantastic work, and I’m thrilled that Joe Vitale passionately spread it to the world through his book Zero Limits.
[Reply]
zigma pluto Reply:
September 30th, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Hi Jason. Yes, I have read the book and seen all the video interviews of Dr Hew Len on you tube.His philosophy is pretty neat, though hard to follow at times.
[Reply]
Jason Fonceca Reply:
September 30th, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Awesome Zigma! If you enjoy Dr. Hew Len, and would like an ‘easier to swallow’ perspective on the same subject, you may enjoy Abraham-Hicks: http://abevideos.com
I love spreading the good word
Renee Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 3:10 pm
Hey Zigma, you made my morning. I just made myself some tea, sat down and read your comment and I am SO happy you are taking this action.
And, yes, like you say, there is resistance to change and it will come up; closer to your exam – and this is when you have to really just get up and do it.
Would you regret not doing this, looking back in ten years time?
If so, then it’s a must.
[Reply]
zigma pluto Reply:
September 30th, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Hi Renee, its all happening thanks to you. Yes, I will surely regret in future not taking action now. Now I have made my decision and do hold me accountable to it!
[Reply]
Peculiar
629 days ago
Thank you very much Renee.Am a very shy person but after reading dis article,am now very bold and a confident lady.I believe i can attract a wonderful man in my life.God bless u Renee.I love u
[Reply]
sam
629 days ago
COOOLLLLLLLl! That was a really wonderful article Renee. You’re deffinitly right.
I ‘ve started some new things to do and I feel the same way you mentioned but It’s not
enough ,
Thank you for the guide to be confident .I myself haven’t been taught to
be confidwnt in life let alon in relationships.but your article was like a treasure for me.
I love you .
[Reply]
JP
630 days ago
This is right on and very much needed. Thank you.
[Reply]
Jason Fonceca
630 days ago
Woohoo! Like attracts like! And thanks for noticing/acknowledging, I appreciate it. It feels like you’re building and expanding a fantastic community, I love it
[Reply]
Yas
630 days ago
Bam! ..and she hits the nail on the head again!
Such an amazing read Renee, my hand is actually sore right now from taking so many notes! Funny as it sounds, this article helped me realise the meaning of ‘authenticity’ and being honest with yourself. Telling people you’re scared but ok with it? My consciousness never even thought of that!
And boy, reading Scenario 2 was scarily familiar. In my relationships I’ve always put my happiness onto the back of others and searched for it externally. I tried to control everything and yes, my happiness that day was dictated by his every action or word and whether I made him happy. Because I was scared, definitely. Scared of not being loved if he didn’t accept me in this way or another. Scared of losing love. Scared of not being loved at all because I thought he was my only option.
And how did I feel at the time? Well, really crap! I could hardly move! Literally, I couldn’t be bothered doing the most simplest of things and I didn’t do anything for myself.
And well, of course those relationships failed. But now I’m happy I’ve learnt from them. I needed to go through that to be where I am today. To recover from past hurts. I’m a woman who is learning, growing, pushing herself to do better and quickly gaining confidence.
To me, this article is a lot about self love. To love yourself, to be ok with your fears, to forgive yourself. Which is so important, because you spend the most time with yourself after all! You must learn to get along
Thankyou again for your gifts, forever grateful xx
[Reply]
Renee Reply:
September 29th, 2011 at 3:13 pm
How are you human if you’re not making mistakes and constantly growing and learning from them.
Lots of love.
[Reply]
Jenny
630 days ago
This is all so true! Thanks Renee! At times I’ve been that girl, where I found myself in social situations outside my comfort zone, and instead of acknowledging I was scared and pushing through it, I chose to hide (and I mean literally sit in my room rather than make friends with those people who “scared” me). If I could tell anyone ONE thing, it would be that the price of hiding away is SO much greater than facing your fears. Just like facing your fears makes you more confident, RUNNING from them LESSENS your confidence. Nothing crushes your self-esteem like that, trust me…you feel like you’ve sold yourself out. The result was that those people ended up not liking me, BECAUSE I was not being my true, authentic self around them. And the irony is that I was like that because I thought they wouldn’t like the real me. I was so wrong. The fake me is so much worse than the real me…the real me is awesome, simply because it’s REAL!
I also have people in my life who are “that friend” who just fakes confidence, and honestly it is draining to be around them…they’re always on the defensive, monopolizing the conversation in an almost aggressive way, and bringing up topics that make everyone else feel uncomfortable (because THEY feel uncomfortable with themselves, so making everyone else uneasy instead makes them feel better)…and I realize now this is because THEY are scared and basically just faking it.
[Reply]
Riikka-Pauliina
630 days ago
Hi, your article is so true, I know because I’m scared up to the point of being paralyzed around relationships. I tell myself beforehand that this time I will be open, receptive, authentic and transparent and when I’m with the guy the opposite happens, if I should be vulnerable and open up I have the feeling of being in a terrible roller-coaster without a safety belt that keeps me in place, so I will inevitably fly out and get smashed on the ground and die. I know this sounds overly dramatic but unfortunately it is a very true feeling in my body. So I just cannot put myself there, I get contracted and self-conscious, it is like moving under a magnifying lens or like a trance I’m unable to break out of. I’m so overwhelmingly scared to show my true self because I think the instant the guy sees who I truly am, he will run to the hills faster than I am able to pronounce cat. So it is safer not to be vulnerable since for me vulnerability & authenticity equal unavoidable rejection, judgment, ridicule. So why would I make myself vulnerable just to be critizised, judged and ultimately abandoned. I will ruin all “relationships” because I cannot show up but sometimes I feel that it is better than being constantly smashed down into pieces and getting hurt. I know I am making myself a low value woman but what if it is true, what if in my core and essence I truly and authentically am only low value. So you see the ultimate question is if I have any intrinsic value at all. Then it doesn’t make much difference how confident I try to be since it is just an attempt at hiding the fact that there is no value in me, I’ve got nothing to offer to anyone.
[Reply]
Asma
630 days ago
I loved this article. I relate to it in all the areas, good and bad. I’m one of those “I’m so shy” people. In reality, I am just fearful to be the real me.
[Reply]
Mel
630 days ago
Hi Renee,
I’m terrified of not being loved and accepted by the people I care about. The more I care, the less confident I feel, the more negative the self-talk. It’s a downward spiral. The walls built to shield me from the pain of loss also block the intimacy I desperately want. And the fear feels like weakness that would drive people away if they knew it was there. It’s good to know that everyone feels that fear on some level. It makes it easier to break free from feeling bad about myself for it, and quit the mean internal monologue. I ‘know’ I have value, but gotta feel it to give it life. Thanks again!
Your story is inspiring. Thank you.
[Reply]
Renee Reply:
September 27th, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Hey Mel
Thank You for your comment – you’re always very kind.
You are very aware of what’s going on with you, and that’s amazing. Yes, you have to feel confidence.Fear is just fear; it’s not weakness. I think we feel weak when it shows up ONLY because we’re not pushing through it. Making ourselves do something.
[Reply]
Jason Fonceca
630 days ago
As usual Renee, fantastically valuable offering here. As an arrogantly self-proclaimed “Extremely Confident Man”, I am interested in confident, feminine women who know their value, offer it devotedly, and won’t stand for any bulls***. I especially loved this:
“When you’re not confident, when you’re insecure; you tend to look EXTERNALLY, to OTHERS for reasons to feel good about yourself. And nobody wants to always be dealing with the problems of a partner who has no confidence! A little bit is ok; if that person loves you. For a little while, they might give you wings to fly. But after a while, it’s like: ‘screw that.’ ”
I adore my own natural tendency to give others wings to fly, and I’ve given them for a LOT longer than a little while, and life made me miserable for it. Point taken life, point taken. Do not encourage an under-confident woman for too long, it helps no one.
Thanks for a great read!
[Reply]
Renee Reply:
September 27th, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Thanks Jason
You have left me some lovely and kind comments and it means a lot. We need more confident men; so Thank You for being one!
[Reply]