Why It’s OK (And Even Attractive) For Women To Cry Any Damn Time

Isn’t life better, and easier when you don’t cry?

Aren’t you stronger, and cooler than the damsels in distress who cry to get their way?

Isn’t it better to have things under control?

People will like you more if you’re a non-crying cool kind of woman, right?

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Bullshit. On the surface, people will like you more because you’re agreeable and don’t reflect their own difficult emotions back to them.

But if you keep things superficial all the time, who can really be there for you when you are down?

There’s nothing wrong with being superficial when life calls for it. Because in a world so heavily populated with strangers, we are constantly around people who could feel threatening.

People we don’t know very well, and people we don’t want to know very well.

But there is something damaging about choosing not to feel our feelings of loss or any other emotion that you routinely avoid.

When you avoid, you make superficiality and numbness a part of your daily habits.

Not to mention, avoiding feeling your hurt or pain means you won’t be able to fully access the the pleasure in your body.

What is the importance of crying, anyway?

Well, when you allow it to happen, over time it gives you greater sensitivity.

When you have greater sensitivity, you experience the depth and richness of all emotions.

Without the willingness to cry, you risk living as a perpetually stressed and closed off human being.

And when human beings (more so women) are stressed and closed, they aren’t as attractive as they could be, because part of what’s attractive about women is how open and un-stressed they appear to men.

This is also a reason why guys melt when a girl cries. It’s because it inspires their own empathy and need to feel connected to her.

When a woman cries in front of a man, it gives him an opportunity to get closer to her and see her as the vulnerable woman that she is. Therefore making him feel attracted to her.

This is why emotional closure is one of the 3 traits you want to avoid if you want to find a high value boyfriend.

A small aside: Don’t think of all this as “trying too hard to attract men.”

Think of it as giving your gift: a gift that’s more true to your essential core.

A gift that’s more aligned with your authentic energy, which is easier to access when you’re not stressed.

Crying is important for your own health as well as the health of your relationships

Crying is extremely important for your health, and for your ability to relate to a man and to yourself.

For example, it’s no surprise that researchers now report crying makes nine out of 10 people feel better, reduces stress and keeps the body healthy.

It also helps people maintain biological homeostatis and therefore regulate their physiology.

They even suggest that tears may be a way for the body to cleanse itself of chemicals that build up during emotional stress.

What’s wonderful also is that crying may be a way for us to induce physical contact with another human being.

Which ironically, is the very reason we sometimes avoid crying, for fear of intimacy and having to face our real selves. And touch, of course, is also known to improve our health.

Notice how you feel when you touch someone (or have gone without touch for a long time).

There’s something about not being touched for a while that makes us feel dead, and something about touch from a friend or a lover that makes us feel vulnerable and connected.

(I can literally feel the effects of the “love” hormone oxytocin when my husband and I simply touch hands).

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If you cannot cry, something might be wrong…

Here’s what I believe. If you’re not crying regularly, something is possibly very wrong and inauthentic.

And I mean wrong in the context of your relationship with yourself and your relationship with other humans.

Here’s why: The ability to cry — in pleasure or pain — shows how alive and responsive you are.

The practice of crying (or at least regularly feeling loss, or any emotion that you know you habitually avoid), is a powerful place to be.

Because it means you’re present – not dissociated or numb.

It means that you’re becoming more calibrated, and able to make good decisions informed by your body, because your body doesn’t lie to you.

As opposed to decisions informed through the stress of “over-thinking”.

Crying shows how open you are, and how open you are is proportionate to how many genuine men you attract into your life.

Not just men, but friends, too. It shows how open you are to what’s real and raw. It shows how open you are to your feelings.

If you can’t be open to your own feelings, then you generally can’t handle anyone else’s either.

For example, people who are habitually closed — or worse, hateful or resentful — often don’t keep loyal relationships because they’re not even able to be loyal to themselves, to their own feelings.

Notice that I say habitually closed, because it’s not being closed that’s damaging in itself.

It’s the perpetual practice of being closed that is bad for us because it deprives us of living authentically.

More specifically, the more we keep our own emotions at arm’s length, the more we diminish or destroy our ability to handle a deep and devoted relationship. This is the definition of superficiality.

When we don’t cry, or when we’re unable to let ourselves cry, our energy is closed, and we are avoiding the deeper places in ourselves.

There’s nothing wrong with this; at work, for example, we often need to be superficial.

But this frustration in itself should be enough, at times, to make you cry.

For example: Why can’t I punch that annoying customer in the face? It can be frustrating, or even painful.

(No you should not punch the annoying customer in the face. However, that same customer may be the one who keeps overstepping your personal and professional boundaries, making you feel understandably frustrated.)

We live in a society where we have to suppress emotions, especially at work or at functions. This alone is frustrating enough to make me cry sometimes.

We are human beings, and human beings, with the possible exception of elephants, are the only species known to produce tears for emotional reasons.

We need to be able to cry. We need the honesty and the freedom not to judge ourselves for crying, even in public. Sometimes, in public, I have tears in my eyes. And it’s OK.

The client who NEVER Cried & Couldn’t Cry…

I remember a client of mine who told me she couldn’t cry and had not cried in almost ever. She hadn’t cried in years.

She came to me because she was still single at 40 and she was having a hard time connecting with men.

Interestingly enough, when she told me the story of the last breakup she had with a guy, she told me this…

In the final conversation they had together, they were talking about why he chose to leave her and go to another woman, whom my client thought was “ugly” in comparison to herself.

This was one of his final words to her…

“You’re bulletproof.”

I wasn’t surprised. After all, I’ve been doing what I do for a long time, and I’m well aware that if a woman cannot access her emotions, then she cannot get men to commit to her. Full stop.

But I was surprised at his choice of words, because it was so accurate and so relevant to whether a woman can get a man to commit to her or not.

Your Daily Practice: 15 Minutes Feeling What You Avoid The Most

Am I suggesting you go out and cry in public? No!

I am suggesting that each day, in a safe place where nobody can hurt or distract you, you put aside 15 minutes to bring up a memory, a song, a loss in your life — and feel it.

For what purpose?

For you and the people you love, so that you have a more infinite quality of life.

If you’re numb, it doesn’t matter how many sexy holidays you go on; your quality of life will be shit to average, at best.

Most of us keep a few particular emotions — especially loss and grief— far away, unless they’re forced upon us.

But loss is everywhere, every second.

And if you are open and sensitive to loss in its many forms, you have character and strength.

You naturally have a more expansive quality of life because you’re sensitive, and sensitivity across the board means a greater openness to pleasure as well as pain.

Many people go through life hardly ever crying. They’re just going through the daily motions and forgetting that they are human.

Many of these people, because they push any uncomfortable emotion down and away, also treat their loved ones like crap.

You’ve been around people like this, right?

People whose eyes are perpetually absent when you’re talking to them, people who consistently judge others just to avoid their own raw emotions?

People who blame everyone else just so they can avoid their own feelings of failure? (Interestingly, these types of people can turn out to be toxic, gaslighting abusers too.)

Jump onto Youtube and read the video comments on any video; the haters there ARE these people, who perpetually avoid their own rawness and realness.

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Is It Necessary To Cry Each And Every Day?

So, am I saying that you actually need to break down in tears on a daily basis?

Well, not exactly. Because if you’re an overachiever, you might be upset with yourself if you can’t do it every single day.

What I am suggesting is that you put aside fifteen minutes of your day in order to feel emotions.

Like any of the following emotions, that are crucial to reducing your stress and improving your attractiveness and your ability to have a devoted relationship:

• loss
• ecstasy
• pleasure
• pain
• anger
• yearning
• desperation
• self-loathing (because it helps you uncover trauma from the past)
• embarrassment

Incidentally, even feelings like ecstasy can bring up tears. However, because pleasure in various forms is made wrong for many people from early childhood, sometimes we shy away from it without even realising it.

We shy away for fear that allowing ourselves to feel it would make us disgusting in some way.

Crying is a way of saying “YES” to life…

I honestly believe, without any hard scientific evidence to back myself up, that tears are the external sign of our self-erected walls melting.

It’s a process of going from “separate self” to “connected” and/or “authentic self.”

Sometimes, crying is a sign of saying “YES” to openness — and “YES” to life.

But the most important reason we need to feel what we habitually avoid every day is that if we don’t, we become hardened. We lose touch with our lives and our femininity.

And when this happens, we lose everything: We lose ourselves, we lose our value as open, alive, and therefore attractive and sensual women.

We lose our ability to be sexy and spontaneous and pleasured women. (We become dull, uninviting, and uninspiring). We lose moments — and the richness — of life.

When we are numb, we become the irrelevant idiots who treat life as if there’s always “more time.”

We think it doesn’t matter that we’re getting older because “I don’t look my age.” And we treat our children and our lovers as if they will always be there.

But when we give ourselves permission to feel loss, to cry, to breathe into ecstasy, pleasure, shame, and to overwhelm, jealousy and hate — we can avoid doing that.

Eventually we’ll get to the place where we realise, not just intellectually but in a visceral way, that nothing we have is guaranteed. Not even our existence.

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Crying And Feeling Reminds Us Of The Impermanence Of Life

Nothing we have is everlasting, except who we are.

Everything — money, lifestyle, gorgeous boyfriend or gorgeous children — can be taken from us by forces beyond our control.

So, if you were to approach all your interactions, your life, and even yourself with this understanding, would you show up differently?

If you could recognise that loss is everywhere… that every single day, every single moment, is gained and lost… it would be painful — but isn’t it also empowering?

Whether you can open to your emotions and cry makes all the difference to how deeply attractive, graceful and mature you are.

It makes all the difference to how well you treat yourself and others, and how much depth of character you have.

So don’t search for things to make yourself “feel better” and more “comfortable”. This is what most people do. Instead, make it a practice to allow for things that make you feel grief and loss.

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Fifteen minutes a day. Go.

Then leave me a comment so I can experience what you did. Really, you’d be giving me a gift, too.

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Love,