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Article updated 2018

Loneliness is not something that strikes the poor, unpopular, or unattractive. Loneliness is a feeling. It’s not a situation. Being alone is a situation. Feeling lonely – or, feeling alone is an emotion anyone can feel, regardless of their social or family life, and regardless of fame or lack thereof.

It’s so important for women to feel connected. If you don’t feel connected, it’s going to be hard for you – or any feminine woman for that matter – to feel feminine and radiant.

Often, when you feel lonely, it can feel embarrassing. As if you’re unpopular, unwanted, dumb, always wrong or ugly. Some people even justify their loneliness with being too beautiful or successful, as if no-one can be around them because people are too jealous of them. The truth is that we have – all of us – felt lonely before in our life. I have. I know all my friends and family have. I know people who read this blog have felt this way.

Dealing with Loneliness

Before I talk about how to deal with the feeling of loneliness, it’s more useful to know why we feel lonely. We can justify it with all sorts of reasons. For example, that ‘they’ haven’t done enough for us. He or she treated us badly. ‘He’ commandeers all our time.

Nobody cares. No-one cared enough.

Or we could blame ourselves. We could say we’re too stupid, too old, too goofy or nerdy, that we never know how to converse with people in social situations, that we always say stupid things, that no one understands us or that we always say or do the wrong thing. No one seems to have interests in common with you.

None of it puts you in a better state and none of that – blaming ourselves or others – helps at all. It never will.

So why do we actually feel lonely? Where does this feeling of loneliness and (perhaps accompanied by) depression come from? There are two main reasons you feel lonely.

1) The belief that other people don’t have our best intentions in mind. Believing that people are bad, or that you cannot trust anyone; and

2) The feeling that we are not connected. Not connected to others or ourselves, and the feeling that we cannot connect.

You can be very alone; you could even be a hermit and still not feel alone, or feel lonely, because you feel you have the ability to connect at any time. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

How can that be? I mean, we all know most people haven’t cared enough or know people who prefer to exclude others. It’s hard for most people to find people who truly care. Hell, even family can care little – or less than people who are not members of our family. And it can be even worse when you want to follow your heart, and your family just wants you to do things the way they want you to do it!

Sometimes the people we thought cared contribute to us feeling like we are fools for ever thinking they cared. So, don’t we have a right to feel lonely? And isn’t it just a feeling that’s a result of the truth?

Well – it is and it isn’t.

If you have an underlying belief that people don’t care, and that people would rather step all over you, or that you don’t have the capacity to connect with others or be on their wavelength, you’re naturally not going to be open to friendships and new social situations, and people pick that up, even if only subconsciously. Most of us just don’t really know that we’re harboring this terrible belief that people are out to get us – and it creates a blockage between you and other human beings. (read my article about why people fail at connecting)

Obviously, this is contextual. You don’t want to assume people have your best intentions in mind when walking alone down an alley way at 3 am in the morning.

How to overcome the feeling of loneliness

So, to stop feeling lonely as soon as possible, ask yourself this question, and ask it every time you do feel lonely:

What do I value more?

1) My feeling of loneliness – and defending that feeling; or

2) Creating a beautiful connection with myself and other human beings that will make both them and myself feel loved and happy?

If you value your feeling of loneliness, you most likely value it because you perceive that it meets your needs better, and likely also because that’s what you’ve always done, so it feels safe. (read my article about mediocre women and negativity)

If you value connecting with others, inspiring yourself and others, you will focus on what you can do to get yourself out of that situation, because one thing is for sure – this affects more than just you. If you feel connected, loved and able to trust others – then it’s likely that 1,2,3,4, 8, 10 or more other people will also feel connected, because YOU are. If you’re connected, it’s likely that someone else also feels connected, and then you’re inspiring and inspired. Then you’re connected and you won’t feel lonely.

If you feel lonely, and choose to always sit around entertaining that feeling (we’ve all done it before), then not only are you neglecting to give yourself a gift, you’re also neglecting others who need you. Many people out there are just waiting to meet a caring friend.

This is not to say don’t feel lonely. You need to feel, and allow yourself to fully feel. But allowing yourself to feel is different to feeling and doing nothing about it.

You are a lot more social, courageous, lovable, charming and energetic than you think or feel, at any given time.

However, this all takes courage. It’s all about overcoming fear and valuing your sense of connection more than your feeling of loneliness. If you like the certainty of loneliness, then do loneliness.

If you love others, and you truly care about yourself and other people – do what it takes to do connected. Instead of doing loneliness.

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

How to feel connected

The second reason for feeling lonely was a lack of general feeling of connectedness – or a feeling that you are unable to connect with others and/or yourself.

If you have this feeling, here is how you can start to feel connected, and re-energize yourself so that you can feel feminine, loving and loved. There are three ways:

1) Other people

2) Other living things/animals and yourself (feeling for yourself).

3) Memories. Memories of feeling connected and loved.(remembering back to a time when you did feel connected and loved, and drawing inspirations and energy from that to help you feel that it’s possible).

A little anecdote

In my life, I’ve dealt with (and are still dealing with) a few women (especially older women) who have pushed everyone away from them because they insisted that everybody was an ‘outsider’. Even if they desperately wanted to open their heart – and have it opened by someone, they couldn’t, because no matter how much anyone did for them or felt for them, they refused to see or believe it. They see things that aren’t there. And they interpret blatant acts of authentic caring from others as ‘they want something’ or ‘it’s just some sick joke trying to fool me in to trusting again’.

So, when you next feel lonely, remember that there ARE people who have your best intentions in mind out there somewhere, and more importantly, that you will inspire that intention in others you never thought would have it if you do it first yourself.

If you have time, click this link to read more information about the 17 Attraction Triggers and get your man’s attention!

Over to you now, What do you value more? Connection or loneliness? 🙂

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

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P.S. Connect with me on social media!

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smoulinka
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smoulinka

Just sayin; I don’t have any memories of feeling “connected” or “loved”. Right now I am living a life where one has to move around every three years #science so no pets for me. Other people are not an option for me, noone ever cared about me, I don’t talk to my family, I have “friends” but they have their own lives and I cannot be 100% honest with them. I enjoy their silly jokes but that’s about it. I never dated anyone in my life and given I’m 25 it’s really sad. Now what?

Shaz
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Shaz

I, somehow, disagree on the part which talks about memories. Sometimes memories can be the reason why loneliness or depression occurs in the first place. Memories can be in the form of happiness and sadness, it depends. I believe that in order to move on in life, it’s best to leave the memories at the back of the brain and go out there to create new ones. This is how a human can occupy themselves and divert the attention to something productive, rather than, loneliness. I used to be one of the paranoid ones who thought everyone hated me and… Read more »

Julie
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Julie

I used to be open but each female friend I have stabbede in the back so it is very hard to believe it won’t happen again

Sandy
Guest

68 years of age, no children, and my husband passed away in April 2011. I miss him terribly!! I live in a small community and seems like everybody has their own things going on. There isn’t anyone to go out to eat with or go see a movie with. I have a close friend, but she has a husband and can’t always do things with me. Instead of trying to move forward since my husband’s passing I feel like I’m standing still and I know he would want me to live my life. I don’t sit and cry like I… Read more »

Michael
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Michael

Cool, I was trying to work these things out, but couldn’t arrive at an answer myself, its interesting to read this, because it makes the answer obvious in hindsight, especially the ‘how to feel connected’ part, I stopped believing that I had anything in common with anyone, and even though I didn’t want to believe that, I just couldn’t find an alternative. Its funny, because all it takes is probably just a few acts of kindness, but for me at least, loneliness created hatred towards others, at least reading this gives a starting point, it feels ‘unfair’ to be nice… Read more »

J AY SAYS
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J AY SAYS

loneliness is certainly no fun at all these days, especially after a divorce. men are the much weaker sex when it comes to being alone, and women are not. i am a straight man that had been married at one time myself, and i was a very caring and loving husband that never mistreated her at all. now finding true love again is very hard now for me, and finding that good old fashion woman like our mom’s were is very extremely hard today.

Denise
Guest

J AY –

What you said is not entirely true. Women suffer from loneliness too, because I am one of them. And as far as finding a woman that is old-fashioned like your mom is not extremely hard today, because I am one of them. I just have been hurt over and over by abusive men. I hope you find someone to make you happy and resolve your loneliness. Take care, Denise

carolztee
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carolztee

i have a whole bunch of people around me all the time. i can never find myself to open up to them because im the one everyone confides in and i feel when i want to confide in someone its not relevent. its nice to read that im not the only lonely woman out in this busy world.

Penny Smith
Guest
Penny Smith

I am lonely very lonely and feel unwanted ever since my husband passed away in May 2011. He was my rock, a person who cared very much for me and practically did every thing for me. He could never see me feel ill at any time and would immediately ensure that I got to see a Doc and took my medicines regularly. Today, I feel totally lost, shattered and lonely. My husband is irrereplacable and much as I try to dwell on other aspects of life, am not able to. I try to venture into a hobby like painting, skeetching,… Read more »

Jim
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Jim

Dear Penny, I feel so sorry for you. I hope you are feeling somewhat better since you submitted your comment. I think your post is a positive move and it shows your willingness to reach out. I lost my wife fairly recently and have found it consoling to find a pen-pal. Because this is so new to me I felt as though I was cheating and a sense of guilt, although irrational, was only trumped by dread of loneliness. Please try reaching out in small increments–friends first with someone, then when that is established, hopefully something more will come of… Read more »

mishell mziyabantu
Guest

i aprciat ths piece..yah 4sho i cn nw ovacm my lonelns gn gt cnctd

Q Babe
Guest

I typed ‘I’m lonely’ in Google search box and it brought me to your post. I guess it is a normal feeling for someone to feel a little bit of lonely sometimes. Therefore, to have some close friends and close family members to talk to when you are feeling down is very important. If you don’t know who to talk to when you needed someone to listen to you, you will tend to do something out of your mind. This is why there are a lot of people who unexpectedly hang themselves to death believing that that’s the only way.… Read more »

Roopa.R Gowda
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Roopa.R Gowda

superb really nw i’m relaxed……….:)

janet
Guest
janet

Is there anyone out there with some man advice for a 50yo female? I am really suffering…..

Ravi H
Guest

Hi Renee, Great article. I am a guy, moved to a new city, decided to be friends with a lovely woman whom I was dating in my last city, carry her love in my heart but this is what’s best for us right now. And going through waves of loneliness. I like your article, especially Dalai Lama quote by Ella. I have been focusing on another quote with similar meaning which goes something like this: “When I went out to find a friend, I found none. When I went out to be a friend, I met many!”. And yet it… Read more »

Roopa.R Gowda
Guest
Roopa.R Gowda

hi ravi really it’s nice quote no 1 s der to motivate me so i need gud frnd if u lyk my frndshp roopa.r90@gmail.com

Julie
Guest
Julie

feeling this way is so hard. I know that the only way to get myself out of the mood is to go out and be around people. to connect and interact face to face. That in itself is so hard to do when you feel that low. Its also so worth it to make yourself do it.

masaleen
Guest

Renee, Thank you so much for this post. When I saw the title, I wasn’t sure if I felt like reading it at the moment. But when I started, I realized it’s exactly what I need now – I’ve been feeling very lonely the past few days, and having a hard time connecting to my new coworkers, and not knowing exactly why. I still don’t exactly know why I’ve been so closed and distrusting recently, but I’m really struggling with it and was just thinking I NEED to get some advice on this!! I need to change!! Shyness and a… Read more »

JP
Guest
JP

Great Post… lonliness can sneak up on you even when things are going right. I have realized that even if my romantic relationship is right on track and going well, I can still get lonely bc I need several meaningful connections to feel fulfilled. I need to connect with not just family but my friends too. I’ve felt some distance lately from several of my close friends… and it’s easy to feel sorry for yourself and get angry for their “neglect”…but it is best to keep trusting people and to keep making the effort. If in the end the friendship… Read more »

k
Guest
k

lovely article I got aha
I am not sure what feeling I should feel
as I do not felt many of them
I agree with Blair past sometimes is not that good to feel.
and I like….. what you want connectedness or lonelines question
thanx

zigma pluto
Guest
zigma pluto

Dear Renee Happy new year. I really appreciate the way you presented this important topic, with a touch of reality, as always!Lonliness is such a common problem, and as soon as I read it, I felt like I too can write an entire book on the topic. here is what i think- Lonliness can be of two types Natural and unnatural. Natural lonliness- it is seen in people who are bought up in nuclear families, single child, children of people who live with limited contact with society, artists and writers who need a lot of down time to let their… Read more »

Renee
Guest
Renee

Thank You Zigma Pluto for your thoughtful comment. I enjoyed reading it. Many of us feel lonely. It’s ironic, I know, since we have more strategies to connect than ever, and the world population is greater than ever. That just tells you something, doesn’t it!
xoxoxoxoxo

Reem
Guest
Reem

Great article, i like my own company and dont feel lonely at all. Until i met this bf, for the first time i feel soo alone.

Maybe cuz i have expectations, although we live in the same rented room. I start feeling lonely as soon as he enters it. I’d rather be by myself than see someone just do his own things as if im not there.

Jackie
Guest
Jackie

Hi all I am one of those older women who does not have any female friends. Over the past 20 years, I’ve had supposedly 3 friends. I drifted apart from one friend. (This was a mutual ‘drifting’). Another one said she never wanted to speak to me again without ever telling me what I did to deserve such exclusion. The last one threw me under the bus to garner attention for herself, not once or twice, but 6 times! I thought forgiveness was in order so I kept forgiving her until the last time. That was it. I told my… Read more »

Helena
Guest
Helena

I used to be very friendly and energetic, yet quite blind to others’ mistakes before and people started using me. I guess that’s when I started closing up.

It’s just so hard – how can you be connected and at the same time not overly naive? I don’t want to be used and yet I can’t take that loneliness any more:(

Renee
Guest
Renee

Hey Helena, Ella left a lovely comment and quote from the Dalai Lama (above). Perhaps you might find that helpful?

I don’t really believe in people using us. We set our boundaries and we decide how to be treated. Did you let them treat you in a less that satisfactory way because of a fear of losing the friendship, perhaps?

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