If you’re like me, you love giving gifts. It’s just a nice feeling – ESPECIALLY when you like and respect that person. Hey, sometimes buying gifts for someone else feels 100 times better than it does buying something for yourself.
It’s nice to put a smile on someone else’s face, isn’t it? But in all honesty, when it comes to men that you are romantically interested in; be careful. You may think buying and giving gifts nothing big, but, it does matter; especially when you are only dating and not sure if he is committed to you. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?)
The way you go about buying and giving gifts matters, and more importantly, WHAT you give and HOW you give the gift sets up the right dynamic between you and a man, or it doesn’t. (Read my article on creating an outstanding surprise)
What you give and how you give it can make you seem low value or high value in a man’s mind. That doesn’t make you less, though, it just makes him less attracted to you – and consequently, makes you less attracted to him (which sucks for you, too).
If you are buying for a male friend, you can THEORETICALLY go all out, because you’re not romantically interested in him. But personally, I don’t even do that with my male friends that I consider to be like a brother.
There’s a reason: it’s because in my BODY it doesn’t feel authentic to do this; it just doesn’t feel like I’m being the real ME.
I know my true gift is in being there in ANY man’s presence at ALL – and being happy, open and radiant. Your radiance and openness is a gift bigger than the size of the number on the price tag of your birthday or Christmas gift.
When it comes to buying men gifts, in the past I’ve made so many stupid and embarrassing mistakes that are pretty much too embarrassing to talk about. And it can be difficult knowing what gift to buy a man on any occasion – these days, so many of us already have everything we need, and it’s easy to buy something you think would be valuable, but a man doesn’t find to be a good gift.
And if you read through these 6 rules and realise you’ve made these mistakes, it’s cool, woman! You, me and every other female on the planet has made, or IS making such a mistake big time.
No problem, mistakes are a gift. Without mistakes, you can’t fully feel the satisfaction from getting things right.
Here are your 6 Rules to Follow:
1) Spending more doesn’t make you more valuable as a woman.
So…why choose the more expensive option? Why spend a tonne on a man when you’re just dating, even if you have as much money as Paris Hilton? Is there even a good reason?
See, if you subconsciously want to flaunt your ability to spend a lot, then you’re not really in your feminine energy – and a man can’t feel you as a woman who enjoys being taken care of. Flaunting your ability to spend a lot doesn’t touch a masculine man – it will touch a more submissive man, or a man who is LOOKING out for a rich woman.
Hey, if you really, truly DON’T want to be taken care of, and you prefer to be the one taking care of HIM, then you can go ahead and ignore this rule.
But if you want the man you’re romantically interested in to be your hero, and to ADORE you, just don’t spend more for the sake of looking good. In fact, where you can, spend less.
2) Buying more items reduces the value of each gift you give.
The idea is simple. Us humans generally like to acquire, to own more, to feel the satisfaction of ‘owning’ material goods in our life.
So this rule is VERY counter-intuitive in practice. But…think about it: if you have 50 items of jewelry, does it make every piece more special?
Or do you still keep one or two favourite pieces that you wear over and over again? You grow attached to a few of the jewelry items; that’s generally what happens.
A man (and anyone, really) will remember the gifts you give that mean something to THEM. They won’t keep in their memory many years down the track ‘oh that person used to fill up my Christmas stocking with 100 items that are useless and meaningless to me!’
The more of something we get, the less valuable it becomes. And this happens subconsciously.
When giving gifts, it’s more important to make an emotional impact on someone than to get a reaction of ‘woah!’ from them in reaction to the sheer VOLUME of gifts you’ve given them.
Remember that saying: “less is more” ?
Hard to remember this in a context where you’re buying gifts for someone, but IMPORTANT.
When it comes to gift giving, if you are going for the whole feeling that ‘yes!’ I am awesome and I have the money to buy a man TONNES of gifts!
Then..the message you are really sending is: “I get my feeling of self worth through PROVIDING for you. I’m the man.”
I am of the belief that when it comes to being romantically interested in a woman, the masculine men in the world around you will find you more endearing and want to take more care of you if you either
1) Get him nothing at all, and just receive what he gives you.
Or 2) make a simple purchase that is meaningful and leave it at that. It could be a mug, or you could make a lamb roast (yum, lamb!) Don’t flaunt riches. Don’t flaunt ‘provider’ abilities. You don’t need to.
You are far more vulnerable than that (that did read vulnerable) – you rather him do THAT for you – is that right? Really, are you truly attracted to a man whom you need to buy things for and take care of? Answer honestly for yourself.
If yes, then do things that encourage him doing that to you by NOT buying more, and not buying more expensive.
Your ability to react to and enjoy anything that a man gives you is far more interesting than your ability to give expensive gifts.
3) If you give a gift, make your gift either 1 – useful or 2- sentimental.
When it comes to gift giving….it’s tempting to buy a man several items of clothing…or a cologne or another wallet…because these are the easiest options and it’s what every other girlfriend is giving her boyfriend and it saves time and thought on your part.
If you want to get him ANY of these things, make sure that it has a context and that it’s not just an ‘extra’ on top of all the other clothes he has or wallets he has just for the sake of ‘acquiring’ things.
For example, if you have been dating a while and you know he’s going hiking in January and has no hiking gear, then a pair of hiking pants is nice, because they serve a particular purpose for him in January, and it shows you understand him. (Click here to complete the quiz “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)
Most men like things with a purpose (tools, etc), or things that are sentimental. Unless a man is very feminine, he doesn’t give a damn about buying more and more clothes and gathering more and more things unless those things serve a clear-cut purpose in his mind.
Most are also not interested in pointless, fluffy, jingly things.
ie: You might appreciate cupcakes. But men aren’t moved by that. It just doesn’t ‘touch’ them if you give him cupcakes as a gift. Avoid it! (yes I see women doing this often!) he might enjoy eating them, but it won’t really touch him deeply.
ie: You might like cute lunch bags – but buying him a plastic zip-up lunch bag with a cute little soccer ball printed on it that a 10 year old boy could also use – he won’t appreciate it (yes, that’s actually also a real story. And the woman’s husband responded to the gift by saying ‘well, that’s not very manly!’). He’s stating the obvious.
Now, I thought twice about putting in the word ‘sentimental’ here, because a lot of women will take that and RUN with it. ‘Yay! I can get him a nice photo with ‘I love you so much’ printed on it!!’ Well…if you are married or have been together a long time, this gift is OK.
But not when you have NO idea where your relationship with this man is going! You have to wait to give such sentimental gifts. (read my article on How to Get Him to Propose)
If you have been together less than 6 months, stay away from sentimental gifts unless it’s the first time you are doing something like that and you are sure that HE has already done something like that for you at least two or three times.
Now, by sentimental, it depends on your relationship situation. If you are in a long term relationship or marriage and you really ALREADY feel like the WOMAN in the relationship, and you feel adored – then do what you want!
Just be mindful and conscious all the way. Be conscious of WHY you’re choosing to buy a gift.
Do you really need to get something extra?
If so, why are you getting it? Are you getting it because you feel you must, otherwise he will think you don’t LOVE him? If so, it’s the wrong reason to get the gift!
Are you getting him the gift because you think you should in order to show him that you are interested in him, although, inside, you’re aching for him to be do for you, and don’t actually LIKE being the one giving gifts to show your interest?
If you don’t feel adored yet, and he is NOT committed yet – then, whether you are dating or having something long term, your focus still needs to be on establishing the dynamic that you want with a man.
ie: not being the MAN in the relationship (unless you want to be). So keep sentimental gifts to something small like a key-ring with a personal joke or personal photo attached, or a mug with a special quote or photo on it.
4) The less time you have spent dating, the better it is to buy less and spend less.
This is to help set up the dynamic that HE is the man in the relationship, and not YOU.
Look, you can make this mistake and maybe things will still work out if you and him are very compatible. It’s just the better choice, but if you’ve already made the mistake, then just do things differently next time, that’s all!
5) When in doubt about whether you SHOULD buy anything at all, buy nothing at all.
And just make or buy a nice card to wish him happy birthday or happy Christmas.
There’s no need to buy something just because you think you should.
6) When and if he buys you something, make your reaction to the gift honest.
But do not criticize him (that’s not honest). It doesn’t matter if a man gives you something and it makes you want to burst out crying (I’ve done this before. And it only brought my husband and I closer, and he felt far worse about it than I ever did!)
If a man wants to make you happy, you have a good man. If instead he just calls you a bitch and never comes back because you cried over the present, well good! He wouldn’t have come back in the first place anyway!
It was either going to be this Christmas or some other random reason for him to take off. Some men are just not compatible with you like that; and some of them…well, they have a weak masculine energy like that.
Unless you were intending to criticize him and be a bitch about it. That’s just not a good choice on your part. Whatever he gives you, just know that it’s a start that he tried to give you anything at all.
Thank him, always thank him for giving you anything, but don’t pretend it’s orgasmic if it makes you want to cry. If it makes you over the moon, BE over the moon, if it upsets you, let it upset you! If it surprises you, LET it surprise you!
You’re a woman, it’s OK to be real and to feel with a man. That is what I believe, and I’ve done things this way for many years, and it’s never backfired on me.
You don’t want to do this with friends or others, but with a man, it’s OK. Men are funny creatures, you’ll be surprised how much the best men out there don’t mind you making them think and work out why on earth you didn’t like their gift. They’re stronger than you think, and not as sensitive as your Mom or your girlfriends.
Now I am handing it to you. Share your thoughts about buying men gifts. Do you have any personal rules that you follow? IE: you always spend less than a man, or you never buy a man gifts? Share your thoughts so other women can learn from you!