Not Wanting to Manipulate Makes us Manipulative

Article updated 2018

“But I just don’t want to manipulate him like that…”

Said the woman who preferred to keep a clean conscience.

Just like most women, you probably don’t like to be called a “manipulator”… because no body likes a manipulator…

After all, wouldn’t it be too selfish for us to have what we really want? And wouldn’t we have to manipulate others in order to get that?

Imagine a salesman trying to pull you over in the street, only being keen to close the sale. We hate people like that… why? Because they’re only EVER in it for themselves. Our concerns are brushed aside.

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Just the other week, I was shopping with my husband for a suit. After half a day of disappointing window shopping, we stopped by a large high end department store.

The lady who greeted us was delightful, upbeat and most of all, actually helpful. (A rare quality of any sales professional)

She didn’t just show us suits, she educated us on certain design elements, the fabrics to avoid, as well as general things to look for in a quality suit).

And half an hour later, we purchased an expensive suit right there on the spot – one that costed more than we had initially prepared for.

Throughout the whole time, we never felt like she was being pushy, we never felt like we were being manipulated. We were actually happy to spend the money.

We knew she was a sales person, but we enjoyed her and remember the experience fondly.

Why, though? (The answer is in the rest of the article)

We are ALL manipulating people around us

The truth is that we are all manipulating; unconsciously or consciously.

The definition of manipulate is: control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly or unscrupulously.We are human beings, and we are always influencing people around us whether we like it or not.

If we aren’t influencing people, it probably means we are dead and forgotten.

People associate bad things with the word “manipulating” because they’ve had bad experiences with entitled people who just want to take value (remind you of anyone?)

What if someone “manipulated” you and in the process, still loved you deeply and even added value to you?

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Not wanting to manipulate causes us to block our own honest wants

Not wanting to manipulate causes us to block our own honest wants.

So people make the woman who wants to get married “wrong” for “manipulating” , they make the man who wants sex wrong, the business person wrong for charging money.

And the deeper truth, in my bias, is that the more we focus on not manipulating… and the more we focus on making “manipulators” wrong, the more we block ourselves.

We block our capacity to…

Add VALUE in the most authentic way (which we unlock easily when we relax beyond the stress of not wanting to be a manipulator)

We block our own need to crave something that’s true to our wants.

We also block our man’s need to crave our authentic soul and spontaneous gifts. And in the process, we worry if he wants other women…no wonder, when we are only blocking our truest and wildest gifts out of fear.

Not wanting to manipulate comes at a COST

Not wanting to manipulate comes at a cost – and that is – time and effort spent focused on our own physiological rejection of manipulation comes at a cost.

Not wanting to manipulate is a distraction.

Not wanting to manipulate is a distraction from total acceptance of what is and especially, what COULD be, if we were courageous enough.

So, what happens when we relax in to acceptance of our fear of manipulation?

AND – more importantly, what happens when we relax our fight or flight reaction to something that seems manipulative?

What happens THEN, if we were really sensitive, is that, instead of creating more stress in our body, we come to the infinite reality that we love far too much to hold back our gifts just for the sake of being ‘fair’, ‘just’ and un-manipulative.

What if you manipulated your man – and you added so much more value in the process than you could whilst trying to be un-manipulative?

What if you manipulated your man and broke him out of his everyday monotony to experience a juiciness that can’t be possible without YOU?

Trying not to manipulate is self serving

And yet – trying really hard to not be manipulative is always simply self serving… it attempts to keep your un-manipulative saintly goddesses image at the cost of yourself and those around you.

The actual realisation is that we aren’t really trying to avoid being manipulative…

And the deepest courage we can have is to realise that we love so much that we exist AS love and thus there’s no way we could be manipulating because we add so much value to begin with.

To exist means that you and I take value, or we add it. We are always either adding value, or taking value.

There are lots of value takers, but there are also value adders. Then there are the people who really get it – the people who constantly look to serve those around them – no matter what they get in return or if they get anything at all (think mother Teresa who influenced millions).

AND – lo and behold – GIVING to people without expecting back automatically means you’re influencing them.

Because at the end of the day…

The more we try to avoid manipulating, the more we manipulate.

The more we try to avoid manipulating, the more we manipulate.

It’s a cycle of rejection of our truest desire and his desires.

Inside, we want ALL of a man. We want his presence, his adoration, his love, the best unbounded sexual creature he can be, we want his time, his compassion; basically we want his soul; like a totally selfish bitch (kidding).

But to want that and to be deserving of that – we have to be devoted and faithful enough to GIVE of ourselves in this exact way – EITHER inspire this level of devotion from our man OR to help him have so much faith in you that he has no choice but to worship the beautiful expression of immeasurable love that you are.

We use phrases like ‘don’t manipulate’ to distract from our ability to give value to a man.

And when we stop offering our deepest gifts and values to a man, we actually become more manipulative not less.

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Not manipulating is a manipulation to keep the status quo

Not wanting to manipulate is a manipulation to keep the status quo.

And when we distract from our truest wants – we become so very manipulative, because we are only avoiding manipulation so that we can manipulate the situation to our emotional comfort level.

And when we aim for our own emotional comfort – we are by default insensitive and unreceptive to other’s feelings and perception of what value is (or loss, really).

Trying not to manipulate and the status quo.

Sorry for saying something politically incorrect like this – but you know the people who try very hard to keep the status quo by not manipulating?

And the people who try very hard to defend themselves as ‘not wanting to snag a man’ and ‘not having to find a husband’?

Coincidentally, those are the people who are the least willing to add value; perhaps because they prefer comfort.

Perhaps they haven’t realised that by adding value, they can have everything they’ve ever wanted.

And having what we need – and sometimes what we want can sometimes be the precursor to being able to give more to others.

Instead of focusing “not manipulating” focus on offering value.

We either create value and offer that to those around us, or we extract value from those around us.

We can’t help but influence all those around us, the only question is, are you adding value and thinking about their interests?

And if you’re really great – are you able to perceive what their life is really like and see what THEY need from you in order to go deeper with you in to relationship? So that you can both share a richer, better life?

BE the immeasurable value that cannot be replaced

So…the only way to live your life is- at least in my opinion – is to BE value in your own authentic way. Your own authentic way can NEVER be replaced (because your actions naturally come from your unique biology and life experiences, nobody else can replicate that).

Perhaps, choose receptiveness to men’s perception of what they are inspired by women; and be willing to give your unique contribution to a man you’ve built some trust with, to the people you love, to the people who crave that kind of contribution from your unique soul.

Not every woman who is loyal to her heart’s desires and wants is an entitled “princess” or a “taker”…

It’s just that some women really live as living, breathing, open giving goddesses and some live as snorting rejections of their authentic cravings… and spew language of ‘that’s so manipulative!’…

Disclaimer: giving value doesn’t always mean we get the same value back; that’s why it’s so important to be as attuned to men as possible.

Attunement is the key. We need to gauge what is value to him, gauge whether he is ready to receive our gifts, and whether we need to move on.

If you want to learn the 3 simple words that can inspire your man to commit to you, click here to register and watch Commitment Masterclass for free.

P.S – the biggest difference between being a taker and a value adder is genuinely caring – getting out of ourselves. When you care, you never have to worry about being a taker and if you were, you acknowledge your mistake and feel even deeper as to what people need from you.

Have you experienced feeling like you’re a manipulator? Have you experienced feeling used and taken value from? I love to read your story below.


P.S. Connect with me on social media.

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Renee, I ‘get’ this one. It’s deep, will fly right over your head. You have to read this article from your heart. Feel what it means to manipulate. So much power in that ability, that using it for good is a must. Manipulation with positive intentions to add or give to someone is a beautiful thing. I can clearly recall most instances where it was done to me and from me to others in a great way. Those instances when it was me I had no ‘agenda’ other than wanting to make the other happy or introduce them to something… Read more »

Mariana Lanegra
Mariana Lanegra

I am not sorry to say that this blog left me confused, I do not try to manipulate others, and it’s never costing me anything to do so. I only expect the same treatment back. I expect honesty in return for my honesty. I don’t think that I am trying to manipulate people all the time. Or that everyone is always doing it around me.


I learned many things in your blog
Thank you


I’m always trying to manipulate others. Not with ill intention but selfishly. I mean I want so much and I feel so empty and I feel like I do everything I can to manipulate people’s affection. It’s like if I don’t I’ll get nothing. That may be low value but that’s the way it is. It’s the way I am right now. I’m broken and torn up inside. I hate the way I interact with people always looking for acceptance or approval. Hell not even that, I just don’t want to be overlooked. The problem is, I can’t separate it.… Read more »

Lucinda Darling Delong
Lucinda Darling Delong
Reply to  Kira

I feel like you just described me to the tee! I also keep away from people but not from exhaustion but because I can read people and they are not as genuine and have traits that is rather just not be around and I am honest and genuine and because I too want they’re approval I still at the end of the day feel alone and feel like everyone thinks or says I’m better than them and I sadly sometimes feel the same way I mean by behavior and leading example and strict moral code but I don’t want them… Read more »


Here’s a thought Lucinda: did you ever think you may be reading these people wrong? You can still enjoy time with another human being without them being “perfect”. Learn to accept yourself so people can enjoy you, and you them.

Reply to  Kira

That is remarkably sad to hear.

I hope you make it to a brighter fuller place. You’ve obviously weathered tremendous pain as is.


Hi, I have a question. The girl that lives upstairs every morning at 530-630AM walks in her heels. It is so loud. She stopped for a couple weeks but is starting again. She’s really gorgeous and fit. I dunno, I’m the type of person who wouldn’t do that but at the same time…I actually admire that she is putting herself first! But I don’t know if that’s the right way to think? Is she being an uncaring taker, or is she honoring her needs? She seems sort of “all about looks” from her pictures and what I grasp of her,… Read more »


Hi there! I have taken a couple of your courses & have been in a relationship with a man for the past three years. We’ve made it through a lot & if you step back, wow–there is definite forward motion. It went from exclusivity, moving in together, meeting the families, etc–now we’ve moved into a new place that is really our “own” (instead of his place, which always felt like his place/his comfort zone). Throughout this time, there is a consistent pattern that has been really bothersome to me. We will experience something like a week with my family, and… Read more »


Hi Renee, Thanks for the interesting article. I do understand that the word “manipulation” tends to have a negative connotation and means kind of selfish. The positive spin on it is understanding others needs and styles and working with them to reach the end goal. Everyone does not operate the same – what motivates me may not motivate another. So personally, I feel understanding people’s motivations and giving them what they want in the way they like is not manipulation. I like your suit story and I would be the same way, I would like to take my time in… Read more »

Feeling 'NaUgHtY'
Feeling 'NaUgHtY'

Hey, hey hey the dear lovely Shen Wade media Crew 🙂 I love, love, love the feminine woman blog ♡… How many other relationship dating and relationship experts would advocate that it’s ok to manipulate and to have a manipalitive side??? Well I can’t think of any, I think this blog is it’s own one of a kind and I could sense that intuitvely, even before I’d really just discovered the content on here or what it was about. The feminine woman blog is one of lifes rareties as I can genuinely tell that it’s comint from a good place.… Read more »

really Renee?
really Renee?

I find that the notion offered here that you have to be prepared to mount a campaign to get your way is quite bizarre.
This concept of adding or taking value is similarly peculiar.
People are put on earth to contribute to society and their own personal relationships.
Do something for someone else and it will likely be reciprocated.
What’s the fuss?

Reply to  really Renee?

To expect something in return when giving something, even time, can cause unwanted tension, because what if that person is unable to give anything in return.
It feels good when someone gives me something and doesn’t expect anything in return, I am able to cherish not only what they give me, but how much they care to not expect anything back.

Anna C
Anna C

Daniel Pink the author of Drive on motivation states that we are all salespeople… We all are influencing others everyday. So if we can influence our partner to be better, by adding value to his life, coming from a place of love & good intent, and he accepts the change, it’s good for both parties. John Gottman a famous marriage researcher also found that the degree to which the husband allows himself to be influenced by the wife (curiously it is not so much the other way around- maybe women are automatically more likely to accept their husbands influence) determines… Read more »

Anna C
Anna C
Reply to  Anna C

I used to be one of those who didn’t want to manipulate …. Now I see the value in it of doing it the right way and the closeness it can bring to your partner. Thank you Renée for pointing this out.


I really think I’m a manipulator. I could understand your post when I try to stop manipulating I became more manipulative. And I couldn’t understand why I did what i did. So I have tried to cut off communication with men or other people. I always called it putting my guard up. But then I became miserable. I ask myself so many questions. How when I’m not even trying so hard I still get what I want? I hate this about me. Over the past two years I’ve been on some journey trying to find myself. Had some crazy ups… Read more »


I have always wanted to stay free of any type of manipulation not wanting to have an affect on any outcome. I am not sure why this is. I usually stay very neutral and see how this can become boring to others. I have a great long distance relationship with a man who is so wonderful. He is very controlled in his mission in life and although he professes his love for me he doesn’t go off the deep end. I find it hard to really tell him just how much he means to me because of the fear of… Read more »

Reply to  maggie

I am in the exact same boat. I’m unsure how to become for you because I am freed of manipulating just as well I’m also afraid he’s manipulating me


Manipulating isn’t an easy thing to do first of all. There are millions of options what to say what to do and when it’s the right moment. Hard to predict other people behaviour precisely every time. One fatal mistake and you are out of the game. It’s really exhausting, it’s easier just be yourself no matter what but it doesn’t give fulfillment that I need. Nobody wants me as is, at least I have some kind of relationship , better than nothing..


The first thing I thought of while reading this is how difficult it is to keep giving value when you notice the other person giving less and less. My offense technique has always been to give less then expected, which has worked to make a guy fall in love but never enough to tip the scale over to engagement or marriage. I have so much fear around being taken advantage of it scares me shitless to even think about giving more then I receive! I’ve met a really great guy and I really want to try something different but im… Read more »


25/11/2014… just realised the date!! Five years ago to this day is the day my daughter started making her way into the world 🙂 It was a 94 hour complicated labour and lasted from around 3:15am Wednesday, to 1:07am Saturday, and she was 7lb 10oz born, my beautiful little girl, and now she’s going to be 5 years old on Friday :”-s, oh dear, she’s growing up ever so fast!! I know this has nothing to do with the topic mentioned hear – unless I say they had to turn my daughter as she was lieing on her side- the… Read more »


Well gee, thanks Renee 😀 This is totally cool and thanks for permitting me to be the manipulative b***h I’ve always been underneath… just kidding 😛 Well, if anything, it’s nice to feel permitted to be more of my animalistic self – something I actually love, love, love the feminine woman blog for, as it influences me to be real, and it influences me to be human, and all parts of whom I am deep inside. Buried underneath all the verbal trash of a mindset that I’ve keeping over the years. My mom use to say as a small child,… Read more »


I have read your article twice now. It’s a conversation I had with someone quite some years back, which still echoes round my head at times. I think we all manipulate conversations, and actions to suit our purpose. Hopefully it’s not to anyone’s detriment, and it’s all for positive gain. I’ve been constantly manipulated, some for personal gain only which felt so conflicting with my own values; and others it’s been for what others have viewed as in my own best interests. Both ways send me heading for the peacefulness of solitude. I find it embarressing, actually. On the flip… Read more »


Thank you, Renee! This is wonderfully insightful. I really like this point that we block our giving of our authentic self, along with value, when we are preoccupied with whether we are manipulating people.

Rina krogh

Fantastic well said


Nowadays its wrong to try to manipulate someone. I know that and its true if we try to not manipulate we block ourselves. It is a risk when I say what I want, the problem is I get the worst, never knowing that what I was trying to do was add value. It gets so screwed up, I hope this makes sense.

So it was great to read this post today, I’ll have to read it again.

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