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If you’ve ever asked yourself…’What do men want in a relationship?’

Article updated 2018

What makes a woman high value so that she can have almost any man commit to her?

(Click here to register to watch the “Commitment Masterclass”)

I have an answer below.

I can remember the handful of times I came to the realisation that I had been a taker and not a giver in my relationship with my husband.

It’s an experience like no other. Because it’s exhilarating. It’s freeing.

But before I felt exhilarated, I felt lonely as hell in that realisation and especially in the process of changing myself.

It’s lonely to realise you take more emotional resources than you give. Even if your husband is supportive of you and loves you despite your lack of attention to how much you tried to take from him.

And it’s lonely to realise that most of the process of changing yourself is indeed, done alone.

You can’t depend on others to change you. And you can’t depend on other people to change first.

So if you’ve ever wanted someone else to change before you change, which is everyone of us at some point, I understand. Sometimes you just feel safer not making a decision. Because you want company. And we’re built to have and seek company.

The most valuable thing you can give a man is emotional resources.

You know I talk about about being a High Value woman.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

When  we’re High Value, getting commitment isn’t a problem.

Well, when we’re Low Value, we take emotional resources.

But what does giving emotional resources really mean?

It means a lot of things.

But first off, it starts with not acting from a place of feeling blamed.

Because when act from that place, we act malevolent towards the person we’re in a relationship with.

Haven’t you felt the annoyance related to this before too? Have you been on the receiving end of some self important person feeling blamed and making you pay for it when you weren’t intending to blame them?

The people who get angry and try to take emotional resources from you (women often do this passive aggressively) when they feel blamed – and yet, you were just trying to make a helpful suggestion?

The person who felt defensive and blamed when you were trying to make yourself more transparent and understood to them?

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

Acting out when you feel blamed takes resources from the world

If you are in a relationship, and it seems that he (or she) is saying something about what YOU do…

Try to see if you feel like becoming defensive. If you do, then it could be that you feel blamed, shamed or humiliated, or threatened.

In reality, if that person is communicating to you, it matters, and you matter to them. The fact that he or she is communicating to you is a sign they are coming to you, perhaps willing to trust you – and you guys can go deeper together again in the future.

But if we react to every communication as though it threatens our life – we are essentially taking resources and making it about us.

Just because someone asks or SEEMS to ask us to do something differently – we find that threatening and we are too emotionally lazy to change ourselves. We’d rather make somebody else change.

In this case, apparently the problem is men and they should be the ones to change. We want to make others go out in the cold and change themselves first because we are not courageous enough to ‘go first’.

Well I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be that person. I feel it’s not who we really have the power to be. Why leave this world having been a an angry little taker of resources?

Why leave the world when we’re old, only knowing ‘reaction’ (instant gratification) and not ‘response’ to other human beings?

Don’t Live SMALL

Why leave the world being less that you can be?

There’s really nothing else to do.

Every goal we achieve fades.

Get angry at men for doing something to hurt us because we didn’t have the emotional resources to respond appropriately at the time, this is a recipe for our own suffering.

Take, take and take some more emotional resources from others by asking them to listen to us FIRST – more fuel for living small.

Acting from feeling blamed….rather than giving our no-strings-attached presence, which really means in the PRESENT because anything less is in the past or from elsewhere…is terribly counter-productive to ANY relationship.

That’s what acting from a place of feeling blamed is.

DISCLAIMER – THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH FEELING BLAMED.

No feelings are wrong.

It’s our choices that make or break our relationships though.

We have the choice to watch our feeling as they come up, and give them space rather than trying to reduce them by attacking someone else, or extracting resources from someone else.

It’s the willingness to be careless enough to ACT from that place of feeling blamed that is damaging because it’s not honest hurting of another person.

We all hurt others, but when we act form feeling blamed, we essentially kill the other person emotionally. Because wallowing in feeling blamed seems to be, from my experience, a fight or flight response.

There’s nothing wrong with sharing with a friend that you felt blamed. It’s not even that feeling blamed is wrong – not at all. It’s fine to feel blamed. It is GOOD feedback telling you that your parents hurt you.

Cultivate your Own Emotional Bank

It’s the fight or flight attack response because we feel angry that someone else is trying to take resources from us. – this is where we need to have our own emotional bank to draw from.

What is an emotional bank?

It’s our own emotional resources with which to pull from.

So – instead of reacting in a conversation the moment we feel blamed – we breathe and feel his heart instead.

To cultivate emotional resources, we must give when we don’t want to.

It’s creating something where there’s nothing.

Just because.

THAT – nobody can take from you!

THAT – is class in action.

As soon as we act from a fight or flight state with somebody who doesn’t warrant that response from us (a high percentage of people, because very few of us have our lives physically threatened) we are taking resources from them in some way.

Now, most of us in the world lack emotional resources. I don’t know whether it was the way we were parented. Or perhaps that we also don’t live in close-knit tribes anymore and such antisocial behaviour doesn’t have dire consequences and regulations by our tribe members…I mean, we go home to ourselves at night (a large number of us), and we go home to the same old family and rarely to we seek out honest feedback from others about what our actions look like to them and what do our actions make them feel.

Nowadays, we have to cultivate our courage to do that. It doesn’t just come because we’re part of a larger tribe of 50-100 people or more.

Do we assume everything is about US?

Maybe it’s just that we think everything is about us. But it isn’t. Even when somebody blames us.

Maybe it’s just fear…if we act out of fear enough, all we end up doing is acting out of fear.

So I’m here to tell you that I feel like the best thing we can give, and the thing we can be most proud of, is how much emotional resources we can give.

And you know what’s so great about surrendering to doing this?

I mean to be able to do this, you may have to relax in to the fear and the uncertainty and the loneliness of the journey of changing by yourself (because change IS mostly something we choose to do by ourselves, nobody can make that decision for us).

The great thing about surrendering to the pain we need to surrender to in order to BE emotionally resourceful, is that it’s euphoric – because it’s change. Our biochemistry changes as we are willing to surrender to our bodily and emotional alterations and not resist something different (ie having to give to others instead of expecting them to give to us)…and each times we reach the other side, novelty, and success, and euphoria awaits us.

And the best thing that awaits us?

Connection.

Actual connection.

Cause in reality, we connect or we don’t.

We make friends, or we fake friends.

The loneliness of change, from a stage of being emotionally UNresourceful to being emotionally resourceful is short-lived.

What about people who do want to keep taking from me?

And to the people who constantly do want to take from you – when you have enough emotional resources to be fully present with people, you’ll naturally sense them out soon enough and you’ll make healthier decisions about who to spend your time with.

It’s our habitual (not momentary) laziness of  NOT being present with adult people that sometimes gets us in to abusive relationships when the man tries to use us. And gets us in to relationships with people who actually don’t give a crap (less people than you think, really). A lot of people do care.

Especially if we are willing to care about them first.

So, it’s easy to achieve our goals in life that involve making ourselves feel worthy of love.

But what about being emotionally resourceful enough to just love somebody else?

Moment to moment?

If you’re still HERE, You’re a Success

What about being emotionally resourceful enough to know that if we are here, if we’ve made it to whatever age we have made it, that we’re already worthy of love?

(Click here to download your copy of the “Goddess Report”)

Even if you’ve been hurt over and over again by the people who were supposed to love you? The cure (in the real world) is not to make others change. The cure is to give first. To have the courage not to act when we feel blamed.

Because no matter how unworthy we feel, we have to be aware that if we consistently act from that place of feeling unworthy – and that act comes out of a place of NOT wanting to share and connect….and instead it comes out as – ‘I won’t give you the gift of intimacy with me until I feel attractive enough. Strong enough. Smart enough. Sexy enough. Un-threatened enough.’

Then, we’re taking. We’re trying to take something from an innocent person. Somebody in our past who oppressed us…somebody whom we couldn’t yell at for being mean to us at the time. Now some unsuspecting lover is taking it up their butt.

The world isn’t fair…but we can always put a little more love in to it.

Can’t we?

If you haven’t checked out the list of our programs yet, click here to check them out.

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

renee-wade

P.S. Connect with me on social media.

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HavahTanya Rachel Wieczorekjoshii96maggiePhilippa Recent comment authors
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joshii96
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joshii96

Dear author, I did not understand this one bit.
Can’t you at least try to be more specific? This is not helpful at all. It’s so generic and unspecified allowing me to project it onto anything in my life, that I may as well be reading horoscopes.

maggie
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maggie

Renee, I want to thank you for your website and blogs. I find your writing most enlightening and helpful. This particular piece is wonderful. I agree we should be giving back resources and not using them up and taking them from others in ways that are not healthy. I am to a point that I want to act from a place of health and vitality at all times. I don’t have to get in a knot over something trivial because of who I AM. My value and worth doesn’t change according to what is going on in my life or… Read more »

Philippa
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Philippa

Because no matter how unworthy we feel, we have to be aware that if we consistently act from that place of feeling unworthy – and that act comes out of a place of NOT wanting to share and connect….and instead it comes out as – ‘I won’t give you the gift of intimacy with me until I feel attractive enough. Strong enough. Smart enough. Sexy enough. Un-threatened enough.’ I unfortunately do this. With breaking the loop how does one feel safe and desiring to connect? The few times I’ve felt safe enough to feel feelings of wanting to connect the… Read more »

Ruth
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Ruth

Hi Renee, I feel sick and terrified and need your advice so desperately. I am saving up for commitment control but need to wait another few months. I am in danger of losing my soulmate. Please help… I feel as though he is no longer attracted to me enough. I keep myself looking as I did when we met ten years ago, we still have a lot of sex, and we have a very good connection, but I am hurt by him looking at other women on the internet (as I understand every man does) and he rarely compliments my… Read more »

Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
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Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

Hello Ruth, any update? What happened?

shipra
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shipra

Hi Renee u write sooooo well…Your clarity of thoughts is amazing…its for the first time I m posting a comment here…but I never miss any of your articles..I wish u a Blissful life ahead and may you keep writing more and more and helping gals in their relationships in the years to come…!!!! You deserve the blessings of all those people across the world whom you have helped through your wonderful writing :):)

shipra
Guest
shipra

Hi Renee u write sooooo well…Your clarity of thoughts is amazing…its for the first time I m posting a comment here…but I never miss any of your articles..I wish u a Blissful life ahead and may you keep writing more and more and helping gals in their relationships in the years to come…!!!! You deserve the blessings of all whom you have helped

jay
Guest

Hi Renee..OMG this article almost brought me to tears. almost. im still trying to change and i feel lonely doing so. i cant right the wrongs ive made yet not being able to haunts me every second of each day. i dont know if u know what an impact u have had on my life. u inspired be to start my own website from the 1st few years that i started reading u and ive started now.Its: www.jayjhonson.com I actually mention u on my ‘information on websites page’ ; this is what i said about you: – Introduction to how… Read more »

Angel-Eyes
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Angel-Eyes

Hi Renee ♡. I can really relate to this article. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to be open to finding out what messages I put out in life and how do I connect to others. My mum has always said that everything in life is a manifestation to whats happening internally and that people are always a mirror to who we are. I believe and feel this to be so true. Since deciding to REALLY and GENUINELY connect to life and real people, I feel that it’s changed my perception for life! It’s been hard and uncomfortable to… Read more »

Rita
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Rita

Hi, Renee! Thank you for another great article. I always look forward to your words, they give me some peace of mind in troubled times and this article hits jackpot once again. 🙂

norah
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norah

i think a man feels safe with his woman when we dont question his strength and courage to rake care of us(women). In this sense i mean believing in him even when we arent sure if he will be able to take us to the promised land that we want to go and be. I personally am having this problem with my man , i dont trust him, i dont think he can give me the kind of vision i want moreso now that i have more money than him yet he is older than me, i keep wondering ,… Read more »

Anna C
Guest
Anna C

Hey Norah, so…. I can say I’ve been on both sides of this coin, but usually, I am on the ambitious side. But there was a time where I didn’t have any ambition to move forward, get more money, etc. I didn’t have any vision. But I knew I wanted to be with my man. Luckily for us women, men with masculine energy don’t really care if we are not driven to make money, but they DO care if they are not. I can see how that will lead to a lot of trust issues on your part: “Will he… Read more »

Lori
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Lori

I like this article, as well as most of your work. So thank you! I also sometimes get a little frustrated. Here, you talk about being emotionally resourceful as a gift to men. You say, but first I want to say it’s not about blaming anyone. Then you go on to talk at length about blame and loving ourselves first and coming from a place of worthiness. All of this has value, please don’t misunderstand me. However, I feel like the original statement of the article got lost. Are you saying the way to be resourceful to your man is… Read more »

Seroun
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Seroun

Dear Renee or even the men who can answer this,

How does a man feel safe with his woman? What words and actions build up to that feeling of safety and trust in a woman?

John Wilder
Guest

Hey Renee Kudos on a very well written blog post. Coming from a man’s point of view and after having talked to hundreds of men, I make the following observation in support of your post. Men are angry because women in their lives don’t make it safe for men to tell them the truth. This is especially true if that truth can in any way be construed as a critique of the woman. Women typically react defensively; yelling, crying, name calling, giving him the “silent treatment” withholding sex etc. The goal of course is to teach that “no good man”… Read more »

Kris
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Kris

Hi John, great, great response post to Renee’s fantastic blog article! To answer your final question, did I ever bother to think about what ‘happily ever after’ looked liked for the man? No. And that was shameful of me! For YEARS I planned lives with men without their input or consent. I placed them in my little fantasies laden with expectations and no room for acceptance of who they were and were growing as a person. I truly asked for forgiveness to God for such self-serving behavior. I believe that with blogs like this one, my own deep soul inner… Read more »

Seroun
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Seroun

How does a man feel safe with his woman? What words and actions build up to that feeling of safety and trust in a woman?

Anna C
Guest
Anna C

Hey Renee. Great to read this article. Reminds me of a recent personal story when my man & I were feeling disconnected, and he called me spoiled. Well I reacted defensively, and I hate how I felt doing it. I could name 1,000 reasons why he is more spoiled than I am. Turns out, this came from the belief taught to him by his grandma that “all only children are spoiled.” I’m an only child. So, I learned something about him. And, I used the vulnerability technique when I revealed to him that it really hurts me when he says… Read more »

Anna C
Guest
Anna C

A bit more personal story to add – when you said “Even if your husband is supportive of you & loves you despite your lack of attention to how much you tried to take from him” – it reminded me of one of my friends. She would always complain and have a “woe is me” attitude, and her husband would feed her these positive responses like “You’re the best baby, you don’t need them” or “you deserve better, it’s not your fault.” And if I ever did that to MY man, he would say “buck up, be stronger, don’t be… Read more »

Elena
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Elena

Very confusing article…the most valuable gift a woman can give to a man is to put her heart first to love herself first, when her self-love is abundant then she can give her abundant love to other people around her…you never lose by giving love, by loving, but it has to be the right person, that is the most critical context here…

Anna C
Guest
Anna C

Hey Elena. It seems like a lot of people are confused by this article and I can see why… when Renee says “emotional resources” it might trigger thoughts of something akin to giving love or energy or something Louise Hay or John Gray (Men are from Mars) would talk about. In that case, I can see how you can say a woman’s self love needs to be abundant before she can give freely. I think Renee’s point though is a bit different. It seems like she is telling us that we GIVE VALUE when we don’t react emotionally to a… Read more »

Sara
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Sara

Renee, Ive been reading your blog for a few months now, along with David Deida, Eckhart Tolle, Rori Raye and I had to comment. Your work is so inspiring. In a world that is so me-me -me, with a culture so saturated in ego, I feel like you are a light to me. I think as a culture we have tried so hard to strive for equality that even some of the most beautiful differences of femininity and masculinity have been warped and shrouded in confusion. Loving other people is NEVER going to do you harm. Pure love of others… Read more »

Christina Mckinney
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Christina Mckinney

Dear Sarah,
So inspiring!

khang
Guest
khang

What I get the most from here is The Change. The concept itself makes me tremble. Yes, it recalls me of the loneliness, the scary feelings – Renee says it true. The change must be made from us and carried out by us, no one can help and no one can live it instead of ourselves. It takes a alot of efforts and courages to look into ourselves, to peel off the layers we insisted holding onto which actually we know, they don’t work. At the early time, it feel like deeply painful. This post actually reminds me of that… Read more »

Pamela DeNeuve
Guest

Thank you Renee, Thank you for another provocative post. There were a few points that jumped out at me. The first is blame. It is difficult for me at times to abstain from blame, but it is so empowering when I do. Blame causes me to fixate on what they did or even what I did. That is beside the point. The point is, what are my emotional resources in this situation and am I going to use them instead of using blame as a crutch. When I blame I do not have to take responsibility for my own behavior… Read more »

Joan
Guest
Joan

I get it. I think its important to be present with the feeling of being blamed. To feel it. Not avoid it by taking it out on the other person. Because the other person’s actual intent is to talk about it and be resourceful. Some women may be confused about it but its only about removing another mask we put on. Feeling blamed and just feeling it, because its an actual emotion we have, we have to understand that. The attack by taking another’s resources is only covering that. Oh, I remember so well, when I was a child I… Read more »

Ponytail
Guest
Ponytail

Hi Renee, I feel lucky to have found you, not many people would say this sort of thing. Sadly I can relate to what you are saying… ‘if we react to every communication as though it threatens our life – we are essentially taking resources and making it about us.’ I tend to react this way if my flatmate asks me to change something, I automatically feel as if he’s trying to tell me what to do. I couldn’t work out why he’d then call me selfish, this is enlightening! He often shouts at me, I realise it’s because I… Read more »

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