Have you ever asked yourself…’What do men want in a relationship?’ or ‘how can a woman add value to a man’s life?’
With men being such independent creatures, a lot of women ask me…what makes a woman high value so that she can have almost any man commit to her?
I have an answer I’d love to share with you.
I can remember the handful of times I came to the realisation that I had been a taker and not a giver in my relationship with my husband.
Although painful and humbling, it’s an experience like no other. Because it’s exhilarating. It’s freeing.
But before I felt exhilarated, I felt lonely as hell in that realisation.
It’s lonely to realise you take more emotional resources than you give. Even if your husband is supportive of you and loves you despite your lack of attention to your own low value behaviours.
And it’s lonely to realise that most of the process of changing yourself is indeed done alone.
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How To Add Value To A Man’s Life: Remember This First
Remember that you can’t depend on others to be resourceful for you, or to change you.
…And you can’t depend on a man to change first.
This is what most average people do! Instead of taking some responsibility, they point the finger. I advise against that for one main reason:
Life is hard when you take the easy path, and life is EASY when you take the hard path.
Meaning, take the high road! You eventually find real rewards in that. This is about long term thinking. You may be uncomfortable now, and you may find it challenging in the short-term, but long-term, it is you who reaps the benefits.
So I understand if you’ve ever wanted someone else to change before you change, (which is every one of us at some point).
Sometimes you just feel safer not making a decision. Because you want company. And we’re built to have and seek company.
So what is it that you have to offer a man, as a woman?
If you want to know what value a woman can bring to a man, it is this:
The most valuable thing you can give a man in a relationship is emotional resources.
That’s one large part of knowing how to add value to a man’s life.
You know I teach a lot about about being a high value woman, and that’s pretty much the crux of what I’ve been teaching since 2009.
Arguably, the three areas of value (what I teach) are what make you a high value woman to men.
On top of that, there’s one important thing that you can add to a man’s life in a relationship.
But before we get into this one important thing, if you’d like to know the 3 things that make you a high value woman to men (as well as 3 traits you should avoid), read my article on that here.
I also have an article on the How To Make Him Chase You And Value You [High Value Women Secrets].
What Can A Woman Offer To A Man?
Aside from the 3 areas of value, the thing that a woman can offer a man is emotional resourcefulness within herself.
This is essentially what allows you to show up high value to men. When we’re high value, getting commitment isn’t a problem.
When we’re low value, we become takers. What do we take? We take emotional resources.
Don’t get me wrong here, you cannot avoid taking value from a man at some point. That’s normal.
But there are plenty of women who are too unbalanced in the opposite direction.
In other words, they take far more value than they give, and so they become low value in the eyes of men, all the while they’re risking repelling men!
So, knowing that there are a lot of takers out there in the world, and knowing that most women are never satisfied with what their man gives them, there’s one thing you need to remember.
If you can be emotionally resourceful, then you will almost always find ways to be a joy to a man.
Not only that, you’ll always find a way to be a woman of value to MEN.
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report.
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
But What Does Giving Emotional Resources Really Mean?
It means a lot of things.
First off, it starts with not acting from a place of fear, and not acting from a place of feeling blamed.
Because when you feel blamed, you’re reacting, you’re being defensive rather than resourceful.
When you’re feeling blamed, you can’t see what there is to appreciate in a man, or in an argument.
When acting from that un-resourceful place, we tend to be malevolent towards the person we’re in a relationship with.
Haven’t you felt the annoyance related to this before too?
Have you been on the receiving end of some defensive and unnecessarily triggered person feeling blamed and making you pay for it when you weren’t intending to blame them?
You know, the people who get angry randomly and try to take emotional resources from you (women often do this passive aggressively)?
Even when you had innocent intentions?
We’ve all been on the receiving end of bad treatment from the person who felt defensive and blamed when you were trying to make yourself more transparent and understood to them.
Acting Out When You Feel Blamed Takes Resources From A Man
If you are in a relationship, and conflict arises…
Try to see if you feel like becoming defensive. If you do, then it could be that you feel blamed, shamed, humiliated, or threatened.
It could be that you’re afraid to admit that you fear abandonment. (Test yourself to see if you have abandonment issues here.)
In reality, if a man is communicating to you, it matters, and you matter to him.
The fact that he is communicating to you is a sign they are coming to you, perhaps they’re willing to trust you – and you guys can connect deeper together again in the future.
But if we react to every communication as though it threatens our life – we are essentially taking resources and making it about ourselves.
Just because a man asks us to do something differently – we find that threatening and we are too emotionally lazy to change ourselves. We’d rather make somebody else change.
In this case, apparently the problem is men and they should be the ones to change.
We want to make others go out in the cold and change themselves first because we are not courageous enough to ‘go first’.
Well I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be that person. Why be a small person, when you have the option and the choice, of being a big person?
What Value Can A Woman Add In A Relationship? Start With THIS
Start with being a big person.
Don’t Live SMALL.
This goes hand in hand with being emotionally resourceful, and taking responsibility for yourself and your life.
Why leave the world being less than you can be?
There’s really nothing else to do.
Every goal we achieve fades. So the only thing that has real value to us in the end, is WHO WE BECOME.
What makes you a small person?
Acting from fear when nothing is actually threatening you. What makes you a small person also, is feeling blamed rather than giving our understanding or no-strings-attached presence.
It’s also the act of looking for retribution and being endlessly triggered instead of reaching beyond ourselves to try to understand a man.
DISCLAIMER: There’s Nothing Wrong With Feeling Blamed
No feelings are wrong.
It’s our choices that we make because of those feeling that can make or break our relationships though.
We have the choice to watch our feeling as they come up, and give them space rather than trying to reduce them by attacking him or extracting resources from him.
It’s the willingness to be careless enough to ACT from that place of feeling blamed that is damaging.
We all hurt others and take value at times, but when we act from feeling blamed, we essentially kill the other person emotionally. Because wallowing in feeling blamed seems to be, from my experience, a fight or flight response.
It’s the fight or flight attack response because we feel angry that someone else is trying to take resources from us. This is where we need to have our own emotional bank to draw from.
Have you ever wondered how to read a man’s mind? And understand what it really is that excites him inside of your relationship? We have all the answers inside of our most popular program, Understanding Men.
(The promise of this course is for you discover the secrets of the masculine perspective so that you can get through to any man, connect with him heart to heart, and inspire his deepest loyalty and commitment.)
Be A Woman Of Value To Men: Cultivate Your Own Emotional Bank
What is an emotional bank?
It’s having our own emotional resources with which to pull from. When we focus on connecting and creating more connection, we are emotionally resourceful.
When we focus on what we can take and when we act from fear, we are un-resourceful.
Also, when we lack emotional resources, we tend to push people away (and actually value perpetuating distance between ourselves and others).
So what does have a fully stacked emotional bank look like?
In practice, it looks like actions taken to enrich your relationship and add value to a man, as opposed to draining the relationship of resources.
It’s focusing on what you can do to grow connection in the relationship, rather than perpetuating disconnection.
Instead of reacting during a conflict, and especially when we feel blamed – we breathe and feel his heart instead.
To cultivate emotional resources, we must give when we don’t want to.
CLICK here to discover the one thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Why is this important? Because the feminine art of capturing masculine attention in a high value way is a skill that no woman can live without.)
Examples Of How You Can Add Value To A Man’s Life:
- Instead of judging, we try to appreciate.
- Instead of hating, we try to understand.
- Instead of retreating, we attune to him.
- Instead of indulging in criticism of him, we give to him first.
- Instead of demanding that he raise his standards, we raise our own first.
It’s the act of creating something where there’s nothing.
See, THAT is something that nobody can take from you!
THAT is being classy in action.
As soon as we act from a fight or flight state with somebody who doesn’t warrant that response from us, we are taking resources from them in some way.
Now, most of us in the world lack emotional resources.
Sometimes it comes down to the way we were parented.
It could also be due to the fact that we also don’t live in close-knit tribes anymore. So such antisocial behaviour doesn’t have dire consequences and regulations by our tribe members…
I mean, we go home to ourselves at night (a large number of us), and we go home to the same old family and rarely do we seek honest feedback from others about what our actions look like to them, or ask them how our actions make them feel.
Nowadays, we have to cultivate our courage to do that. It doesn’t just come because we’re part of a larger tribe of 50-100 people or more.
It’s About How Much You Can ACT From An Emotionally Resourceful Place
So I’m here to tell you that the best thing we can give, and the thing we can be most proud of, is how much emotional resources we can give.
Do you know what’s so great about surrendering to doing this?
To be able to do this, you may have to relax in to the fear, the uncertainty and the loneliness of the journey of changing.
(Because change IS mostly something we choose to do by ourselves, nobody can make that decision for us).
The great thing about surrendering to the pain we need to surrender to in order to BE emotionally resourceful, is that it’s euphoric, because it’s change that we created by ourselves!
Our biochemistry changes as we are willing to surrender to our bodily and emotional alterations. When we move through the discomfort of old patterns, we get the gift of self esteem and innate joy, because we learned how to add value (giving to others instead of expecting them to give to us).
…Each time we reach the other side of emotional discomfort, each time we create something out of nothing (a moment, a new connection, more playfulness), we get a reward.
It’s the reward of the feeling of novelty, success, and euphoria. Because we earned it.
And the best thing that awaits us?
Actual connection. Deeper levels of connection as well as multiple layers of connection.
Isn’t that what relationship is all about?
What About A Man Who Wants To Keep Taking From Me?
Now, you may be wondering whether all this is actually worth it with a man. I don’t blame you!
You should not blindly try to do good all the time for the sake of it.
You don’t want to get stuck in an abusive or low value relationship, all the while your resentment is stacking up and your mental health is taking a hit.
So how can you test whether a man is worth you adding value to his life or not?
And here’s an article that will tell you whether he’s genuine about having a relationship with you: 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.
As for the men who constantly do want to take from you – when you have enough emotional resources to be fully present with them, you’ll naturally sense them out soon enough and you’ll make healthier decisions about who to spend your time with.
It’s our habitual laziness of NOT being present with a man, of not attuning to him, that sometimes gets us in to casual relationships when the man doesn’t care and tries to use us.
If You’re Still HERE, You’re A Success
Remember that if you are here, then you are already worthy.
And if you’ve read this far, you’ve already earned a bit of success today!
But also remember that being worthy and adding value are separate things.
In order to actually ADD value, we must feel worthy inside. We must harbour emotional resources, so that we can give to a man.
So always give to yourself first by reminding yourself that you are already worthy, otherwise you wouldn’t even be here.
Even if you’ve been hurt over and over again by the people who were supposed to love you, the cure (in the real world) is not to make others change.
The cure is to give first.
It is to have the courage to keep attuning ourselves to a man and seeing what he truly perceives value in.
With this sense of attunement you will always have emotional resources to draw from, because you’ll know deep down inside that you are feeling beyond yourself and into him.
Because no matter how unworthy we feel, we have to be aware that if we consistently act from that place of feeling unworthy – then we can never connect!
Instead our actions comes out with an underlying attitude of something like this…
‘I won’t give you the gift of intimacy with me until I feel attractive enough. Strong enough. Smart enough. Sexy enough. Un-threatened enough.’
So, why wait until you feel worthy enough to reach out beyond yourself, when you can do it right now?
You don’t need anybody’s permission but your own!
Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think of this article below. I’d love to hear from you!
Also, if you haven’t checked out the list of our programs yet, click here to check them out.
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”…Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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