Article updated 2020
Become the real you…
“What is Femininity?”
The fact that we have to ask that question says a lot about how difficult it can be to begin letting your femininity show. Most us who are over the age of 5, for example, don’t need to ask “what is a foot?” or “what is an apple?” because it’s obvious to us. Femininity isn’t obvious to us. And it’s frustrating.
Many women find it easy to start the surface version of femininity: buy lots of dresses, wear make up, buy lots of shoes.
But what does this do? It merely makes us LOOK feminine. (Click here to find out “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)
All some women need to do after that is just open their mouths and speak, and the label of “femininity” can disappear. That’s right, being a woman doesn’t mean you show up to other people as a feminine woman.
Does every man seem masculine to you? I doubt it.
Femininity and masculinity is an energy that you embody for yourself as well as give to others. (read my article about one masculine skill you should have in dating)
So what is Femininity?
I have been meaning to write this post about what femininity is for so long. I wrote about 5 drafts of it and it’s been sitting in my drafts for months and month on end. In fact I think I started the first draft over a year ago.
Then I scrapped it, put my head in my hands and said what I usually say to myself when I’m trying to answer a question I don’t yet have the answer to – which is:
“You can’t truly know and understand what something is until you’ve earned it.” And by earned it, I mean, truly LEARNING something, through my own life experience. So that it’s authentic.
I’m happy to say I learned. But in case you don’t want to know all about that….
Here is the short answer to what femininity is and how to be your feminine self:
Femininity is what you show to the world through your actions when you no longer feel like you are not enough.
The long answer…
It’s you being more of yourself. The real you. The authentic you, beneath the layers of walls you’ve built up to protect yourself from pain.
Femininity is what you show to the world through your actions when you no longer feel like you are not enough. Not beautiful enough, not strong enough, not smart enough. Not sexy enough. It’s the energy you give out when you are not trying to be something other than yourself.
Because for as long as we feel like we are not enough, we always wear MASKS. And it’s these masks that make us act fake and try desperately to prove ourselves to men, or make a naturally more feminine woman act in ways that aren’t true to herself and her own heart.
As for how to show up as your feminine self: stop trying to GET love from men. Know that you are already worthy of it.
And stop trying to get love from women. And stop trying to GET love from your parents.
You ARE already enough.
Give love first. When you give it first, you are the real you. You are vulnerable, and authentic, and you are living true to your feminine essence.
Feminine energy is life force. It’s the energy that is moved by love in intimate relationships.
The only way you can give love first, is to feel like you are enough.
By the way, the same is true for a high value masculine man.
If a man stops focusing on what he has to do to be ‘enough’, to be the strongest, fastest, funniest, richest, biggest, most successful, and maybe have the biggest penis, and instead knew he was enough already, then his true masculine essence would show up more. Because he is being more of HIMSELF.
There’s nothing worse than being with a man who thinks he has to keep trying to prove himself to women, no? How can he be your man if he keeps thinking he needs to do this and that to get your acceptance?
(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)
Here’s how I learned what femininity really is
I always knew that true feminine energy shows up when you remove your ‘masks’ and get to your true feminine core. But I didn’t know what those masks were. The idea sounded great.
Years ago, maybe 10 years ago, I started becoming more feminine by wearing ribbons in my hair. Then I started speaking softer and sitting around wearing lots of dresses. (having two sons eventually made that impossible. The constant chasing them around made it very impractical to wear any kind of dress or skirt, unless my husband was out with me!)
That was great and all, but it didn’t really do it for me.
It was only when I had a really, really bad few days that I “got” it.
I was feeling lonely. Of course, I wasn’t actually lonely. I was feeling lonely.
And the worse thing was, I had everything I wanted. My career was where I wanted it to be. I had my lovely dogs. I had close and treasured friends. I had (and still have) an amazing relationship. I have a fiancee (now husband) I am in love with; and we have a passionate, wonderful life together.
But something was missing and it was driving me crazy.
The Problem of Emptiness…
That thing that was driving me crazy was that I was feeling so EMPTY of love.
Empty of praise.
EMPTY of acceptance. And appreciation.
But I didn’t have the answer as to WHY. I just knew I felt really, really bad.
And the longer I ignored it, the worse it got. You probably know what this is like. And really, I just feared the emptiness. I didn’t want to feel it and be reminded that I might not be enough for those around me. (read my article about our deepest fears)
So what did I do? Well, as disappointing as it is for me to say, I started taking it out on the ones I love most. My parents (who I really had zero relationship with and I was refusing to acknowledge that). I took it out on my man.
I made up a story in my head of how everyone else was wrong and that I wasn’t getting such and such from them that THEY should be giving me.
What a joke. What a laughing stock I was.
I thought they owed me something – they owed me acknowledgement. They owed me praise.
But the truth was: I was in pain because I wasn’t giving my gift. I forgot that as a feminine woman, I AM love.
And my true gift comes from my feminine core which is love. I wasn’t being true to who I really am. And I realised that, I was looking for outside reasons to stop FEELING.
Feeling pain, feeling fear.
As such, I lost that very precious feminine radiance.
But the problem is…..actually FEELING things fully through….and breathing through the worst emotions we have…and allowing them to well up in our bodies…is KEY to being more of your feminine self.
We might think we feel jealous, angry, and critical and taken for granted….but all it is, at the core of it, is FEAR.
Fear that we are not enough. That’s it.
And when we feel like we are not enough….man or woman, we cannot be truly feminine or truly masculine.
(And yes, feminine energy is NOT always high value. It’s NOT the only important thing in your relationship with yourself, or with men! It’s crucial that you have a deep masculine energy within you as well.)
So this is what I was doing: I was running around, trying to make others pay for the loneliness I had created within myself.
Which, by the way, is a complete illusion. No one is ever truly lonely, are they?
Even the most isolated and lonely of us can find ways to feel connected – whether it be through capturing memories, re-living old memories, or just giving thanks and having appreciation for the men and women who have been in our lives in the past.
It’s no real substitute for a deep, trusting connection, but these things work wonders in filling you up and in adding value to your life.
Are there a hundred people out there you could find right now to start a conversation with? Absolutely.
Are there thousands of people waiting for you to remind them that they are enough? For sure.
Are there hundreds of people you can touch with a painful life story of your own? Yup.
Are there thousands upon thousands of men out there, waiting to connect with a woman who has the courage to truly be herself? A woman who has the confidence he craves to just let him be a man?
So I started making up in my head that I wasn’t getting enough from the people around me. And my relationships got lonelier. I felt LESS love from everybody around me, and I felt less and less love for myself.
Which is the most painful thing to experience, isn’t it? Because others can always love you, but you still don’t feel loved because you don’t love yourself. And then it’s only YOU who can take responsibility for this.
It wasn’t until one day, it got so bad, I actually woke up for two days in a row, and first thing in the morning, I called my man up and started complaining and crying down the phone about a problem in my life outside of our relationship, that he knew nothing about and that wasn’t his responsibility that I realised: I was making up a problem out of nowhere.
There’s nothing wrong with calling a man up and crying, or even making a problem out to be bigger than it is.
So – it wasn’t just that I was making a problem bigger; it was the fact that I was making up stuff and distracting myself to avoid facing the fear that I am not enough, and actually feeling that.
I was trying to take from my man, hoping I’d get the praise and appreciation I wanted; but really should have been giving to myself first. Or even giving to HIM first.
So when I felt myself getting way out of hand, I excused myself, got off the phone….and finally LET myself feel the emptiness and fear I was feeling.
That was an interesting day…
Women and Avoiding Emptiness
And it is this EMPTINESS that every single feminine woman on earth is trying to avoid.
We hate emptiness when we are in our feminine state, we hate the emptiness that makes us feel lonely, because the feminine energy is all about filling up with love.
And the loneliest women, the ones who feel the most empty, are the ones who read romance novel after romance novel to try and fill that emptiness up.
Or we eat ourselves to numbness, trying not to FEEL the emptiness. Or we resent and hate on men, we blame others, making THEM not enough and making THEM wrong, just so we can MAKE ourselves feel something other than emptiness.
Or we spend too much money on clothes only to forget that we even own that new beautiful blouse just a week after purchasing it new.
Or we hate on other women for experiencing the love that we want for ourselves.
Or we try to bring down another beautiful woman, finding any flaw we can in their make up or clothes, so we don’t have to face the pain that we feel when we don’t feel like we are enough.
And it wasn’t until for the first time in a long time, I let myself feel the pain of emptiness, that I actually started to fill up with love and joy.
Why? Because the emptiness allowed all the past fears that I had ignored to come up and be heard and felt. I started to fill up with the freeing feeling of connectedness and love….I went back to my true state.
I went from being a numb robot to being more free and when I was free, I was able to be feminine.
I started to feel free. And when I felt free, a funny thing happened. And this is true for every woman.
Suddenly, I could give my gift. I could GIVE love, instead of trying to GET it from others.
I felt attractive. I felt loving, I felt resourceful. I didn’t feel numb or desperate. I didn’t need to tell my parents (who weren’t acting as my parents and not ready to give me any love or acceptance) about every single achievement I had; I could instead, simply just make them laugh, or share happy memories with them.
Of course, eventually I realised that my relationship with them was very toxic. But that’s a story for another time.
Suddenly, I didn’t have to buy new clothes, subconsciously hoping that I would be more loved by my man that way. I could simply buy new clothes just because I wanted to express more of myself, and give more of myself. Not take more approval.
It didn’t matter, because what makes me enough, and what makes me be myself, and what makes me my true feminine self, is me feeling like I am enough.
Then, all the masks are stripped away.
All the striving melts away.
See, when we feel like we are enough, as human beings…
Now, when we date as a high value woman who feels like she is inherently enough – we no longer choose to follow advice that chains us to our fears, and therefore chains us to being passive, rather than interactive and engaging with men.
This is why I don’t generally advise women to lean back. There are dangers to leaning back, and it’s most definitely not a “feminine” thing to do, even if it may help some of us women in the very short-term to feel more “in control”.
When we don’t make dating decisions out of fear, we no longer try to not call a man back for X amount of set hours, or for at least ONE whole day….
Just because then we will feel more in control, and then he might love you more. Here’s what will make him love you more.
When we are free from the chains of fear and the need to desperately control our own emotions…
Not only can men actually fall in love with us. (Yes, men fall in love with imperfect, vulnerable women).
We no longer try to prove that we are not like other women and not crazy by being in total “control” of our emotions.
We no longer feel that we have to ACHIEVE something before we are worthy of being loved.
And then we can just be who we naturally are, whatever that is. Masculine or feminine.
And as a woman, when you can just be – you can connect with ANYONE you want to connect to.
You can free yourself from the straight-jacket of stupid dating rules and connect.
You can connect with feminine humans. And if you desire to, you can also connect with masculine humans. Because you are free to exist as both.
You can form relationships and friendships easily. And that is when your femininity will really show, because for femininity to survive, it is all about CONNECTION, being connected to life, and to existing as love, rather than trying GET it and take it from people in the form of approval from others.
So here are 3 Action Steps to becoming more of your Feminine self
1) Any time during the day or night, if you feel lonely, sad, or angry, instead of instantly going to eat something, bury yourself in work, or call someone up to get them to make you feel better and end the conversation abruptly when they DON’T, or start looking through people’s Facebook photos to see how you compare to other women….let yourself FEEL.
Feel the fear, feel whatever anger it is that you feel.
Let yourself feel by crying. Go somewhere private where you can be with yourself.
By the way, I don’t mean, just go write in a journal or just sit in a dark room staring in to darkness, I mean, scream, cry, breathe through the PHYSICAL pain that you feel.
Yes, it will be physical. AND the longer you’ve rejected your emotions over the years, the MORE physical it will be.
So let yourself feel that. You don’t have to cover it up, and it’s not wrong. And, no, you won’t die. You’ll still be here tomorrow and no one will curse you for feeling….or screaming…or crying. or just being angry.
If you, as a woman, do NOT let yourself feel anything or cleanse yourself through crying, you become a robot. You get sick. Your feminine organs become tight and the energy that would normally go to your reproductive capacity will go to protecting yourself and wearing your armour.
As a woman, if you do not just let yourself feel, you can’t be yourself, you lose your sex drive, and you hold resentment in places in your body, and all signs of life start to disappear.
Your face no longer lights up. Your smile becomes fake.
And then your energy shows up as basically non existent. You may become more masculine if that’s the only place you feel worthy to exist. And your energy will be stifled instead of free and flowing.
And believe me, when you’re free, you will attract more men than you can handle.
2) Every morning, make it a ritual before you go to work or go to college, to put on some music and dance. Don’t do a routine! No routines.
This is what I HATE about dance schools and teachers sometimes. Everything has to be about a result. You have to be fixed to a certain choreography. You have to dance and make some routine, even if you don’t perform at a concert!
Just dance in whatever way your body feels it should dance. Dance to release your pleasure and your pain. Dance to move and be healthy.
It’s simply about letting your body move. You don’t have to perform! You just need to be, and flow.
Do it every morning. Use the kind of music that you know will make you want to move your body. Some days you’ll feel more crazy and want to dance like you would at a club. Some mornings, you might want to dance slowly and sensually. Whatever your body wants to do.
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
3) This is the hardest step.
Remind yourself that it’s your task to consistently keep opening more and more to your own fears, and let yourself be present with life. Be present with fear, Be present with joy. Be present with ecstasy.
Even be present with shame rather than avoiding it entirely. So you can investigate the shame, give it a name, and thank it for trying to “help” you – but that now it’s out-lived its usefulness in your life.
Allow those things to flow through your body and be real to you. Don’t stuff everything down just so you can keep pretending.
It’s a journey. And it’s a journey you will be on for the rest of your life. Luckily, it also allows you to grow more and more beautiful every day.
By the way, I post bite-sized content frequently over on my instagram now. You may want to check it out if you like simple content!
Would you like to learn the 17 Attraction Triggers? click here to find out more about this eBook.
That’s all. Leave me a comment below, telling me your thoughts, and your experiences. I look forward to hearing from you. -xOx
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Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link
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