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Article updated 2018
You’re carrying a few new heavy items into your home; your man helps you. No big deal, you think. It’s a man’s job to help.
He’s been out at golf all day. He comes home and wants to talk about every single outstanding shot he made. You’ve been at home all day, cleaning the house. You really can’t be effed. Plus, you’ve heard it over and over again. You’re sick of having to make him feel good because YOU don’t feel good right now.
He comes home from the gym after a long workout and flexes his muscles in clear view of you. He obviously wants your attention, admiration and approval. He wants you to appreciate his strength or his body.
But, you think: “if I give him too much approval, too much attention…..he’ll get a big head!“
The real meaning of getting a big head is: egotism or conceit.
Admiring a man and him getting a big head are two different things. Many women confuse the two. Somehow, sometimes, the thought of the one we love feeling great about themselves is felt as a threat to our own position in the relationship or our autonomy. The thought of our partner feeling like they are the best/invincible/the ultimate catch can make some women or men feel as though they might be left or cheated on.
The truth is, we all already have so many potential sources of pain; so many reasons from our past to feel like we are not enough – not tall enough, strong enough, fast enough, pretty enough, talented enough, funny enough…….You don’t want to add to that (or even remain neutral by not admiring or giving appreciation and admiration). This doesn’t mean you need to drool over everything your man does, in fact, this is a bad idea.
But what you do need to do is give him even more reasons to feel good about himself. A man already has so many external challenges: in the business world, in sports, and from his mates.
Should he just ‘man up’ and stop needing your admiration?
Just as you need love and attention, your man needs to be admired. Women who think that a man ought not to need her admiration, or that admiring a man means she will be put down or below him, is misguided.
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The Hunter mentality…
Men think differently, and they have, in their genetics, a hunter mentality – from 2 million years ago. This means that when your man conquers something, does something (no matter how small), accomplishes something, helps you with something – makes life easier for you in any way, he wants to see you rejoice and acknowledge him genuinely and from a place of love. Taking away this privilege in a relationship is simply taking away his right to fully feel like a man with you. (read my article about men and dirty socks)
Why bother being in a relationship if you are not in it to take care of the other person? If you don’t take care of your lover’s needs, the relationship often becomes unfulfilling, at best. A nightmare at worst.
We come together as man and woman to serve each other. And men need to feel appreciated. If you have ever felt that looking up to a man would mean less for you, then I kindly ask you to reconsider. Why would you want to be with a man you don’t admire anyway? Where’s the passion in that?
If you are a confident woman and know your value, then putting the spotlight on your man wouldn’t even be a problem for you because you would understand that another’s spotlight doesn’t have to dim your own. It doesn’t take away anything from you.
I’m not saying for you to do this with just any man. Many women make the mistake of falling over themselves and selling themselves short for a player, or for a man who treats her badly.
What if he gets a big head?
Whenever I hear a woman say this to me: “uh, if I do that, he’ll get a big head”, I ask her: “do you love this man?”
Inevitably, she will say yes.
“Well”, I say: “are you really loving him, when you say that?”
See, many women think that once a man gets too much confidence, or if she ‘allows’ him to get a big head, then he’ll take the attention off of her, or leave her, or cheat on her. It’s a fear many women have. Though in most cases, if you are meeting your man’s needs this fear is unnecessary.
Once you date and/or marry a good one – admire the man of your choice! He’s a Man. Do yourself a favor and give yourself and him the ultimate gift: let your man feel like a man around you. Give him the feeling of being a man. He’s much less likely to leave, cheat, or “turn” into a terrible man “because he got a big head“ if you care enough about him to just let him feel amazing about himself, over and over again.
Let him feel amazing about the little things he does for you. His small (or big) accomplishments that you may take for granted. his body. His golf game. His small gesture of carrying in your groceries. His biceps or back. His new business idea.
Give your heart and soul to a good man, and differentiate between the not so good men and the good ones (I’ll get to that topic soon on the blog). You want to be adored and cherished, right? Dare I say – be made to feel like a princess? Your man wants to be made to feel like a king!
The very thing you fear is the very thing you must do.
What if he is not deserving of your admiration?
What if he is not deserving of your admiration? What if he is not showing up to be the man you want him to be? What if he is neglecting finances, his health, fitness and/or marriage? This is where a woman’s love and her femininity has to be enduring. Every woman will experience this to some extent in her relationship. (read my article about how to turn down a guy)
Admittedly, many men exude less than admirable traits. Many men don’t command much respect from women.
There are two things you must remember if you find yourself in this situation:
1) Treating a man as a better man than he is will encourage him to become better.
This reinforces positive identity, among other things. As long as you are being honest with yourself and are sure that this man has good intentions. This will not work with everybody. And –
2) Remember who he is inside.
If you give your admiration unconditionally, you will have a better chance of him doing what you want him to do; him fulfilling what you want in the relationship/finances, etc than you would if you simply withheld your love, admiration and affection, or made him feel terrible. This is something too many women do – withhold.
If a woman admires a man only when he shows up with “the goods” – the ‘final’ result, then, clearly this woman values her own certainty more than what she has to GIVE in her relationship.
This is not to say that you need to spew admiring words all the time. It’s not to say that you always have to compromise yourself for him. It also doesn’t mean you have to always be available! Words are cheap in comparison to enduring and consistent actions or loyalty. Belief and admiration for a man can come through a woman’s touch, body language, smile, and elegance. If a man treats you badly – this is a whole new subject, which is beyond the scope of this post.
As a woman, I can understand the need for certainty, the need for support (more true for some women than others), but admiration, if given ONLY when it’s easy, when she’s shown up with the goods, or when you feel like it; is fickle. It’s not loyal. I also understand that even subconsciously, women want a man who has already proved himself worthy – whatever that means to you; but in a relationship, you cannot expect him to always have everything sort out. My feeling is that a lot of us subconsciously, at one time or another, want perfections from our spouse.
It may be hard at times to feel attraction for a man who is not fulfilling his potential – part of being in a relationship is being able to see into the man himself, rather than just judging what he does or does not do.
Even the most capable, affluent and confident man wants the woman of his choice to admire him, respect him, and look up to him, as sick as that sounds to some women.
What do you think, lovely? Did you agree with this post? Do you believe or see that this is true? What do you think of the idea of admiring a man?
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