3 Ways to Fail at Connecting with People

Article updated 2018

Three Ways to Fail At Connecting with People

It’s a common paradox among women (and all humans, really): we want to connect, and we want more friends and we’re aching for connection and intimacy, and yet, we find ourselves lonely and even worse – scared to connect. (Click here to download the “Goddess Report”)

So if failing at connecting with other human beings is something you feel you’d like to achieve today, do the following:

1) Be more concerned with your image than you are about being present with the person.

Care more about saying the ‘right’ thing or the ‘witty’ thing. Be more concerned with not saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing than you are with actually connecting and giving to that person, or people.

To connect well and be good at socializing, you must value connecting more than you value looking good.

To connect well and be good at socializing, you must value connecting more than you value perfection.

Perfection does not equal Connection 

The very nature of human interaction is that you will make mistakes, maybe look stupid to some, misunderstand someone (or have someone misunderstand you), and say something that isn’t in sync with that person.

The nature of connecting with humans is that it’s not perfect. Presence is more important that perfection. Gift others with your full presence, because when you’re fully present, you’ll be able to respond, connect, and be in tune with what is needed in that situation, rather than doing what makes you ‘look good’ or sound smart.

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

2) Discriminate who you want to connect with.

Connecting with human beings is not a process of elimination. You can’t always eliminate people who aren’t ‘worthy’ of your attention without even acknowledging them or speaking to them first.

To become great at connecting, and creating rapport with people, you must be able to connect or create even a base level of rapport with people you don’t think are worthy of your time, or whom you feel you don’t have anything in common with.

Sure, some people, you’ll connect with, and they will have so little value to add that you will be bored out of your mind when you spend time with them.

Sure, some people you will try to connect with, and they’ll be nasty, rude or judgmental of you. Some people just want to complain, complain complain. And you probably don’t fell like you want to be around people like that.

Connecting with all different people makes you more as a woman…

However, the point is not to force yourself to become best friends with, or connect with people who are a drain to connect with, the point is for you to be curious about people and about connecting, so that you connect with more people, and so that you ultimately learn more, and become better at connecting, and so that you can have a greater appreciation of everyone you meet.

This is how you become a whole woman; a woman whose femininity is full. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

We don’t become great at socializing by connecting only with those people who are ‘like’ us or who don’t challenge your comfort zone. The skill of connection and creating rapport is not discriminatory. You need practice.

I’ll say it again: Practice.

We all prefer to spend most of our time with people who are most like us, and there’s nothing wrong with that – but being able to connect deeply with people in social situations requires that you’re able to (and most importantly – willing) to create rapport with anybody.

So, just because you have a PHD doesn’t mean you can’t connect with a person who works at McDonald’s and who can’t spell.

Just because you choose to remain celibate before marriage, doesn’t mean you can’t value connecting with someone who believes in sex before marriage.

Just because you’re primarily light feminine (LF), doesn’t mean you can’t connect with someone who is dark feminine (DF).

Just because you’re polite doesn’t mean you can’t connect with someone who seems curt.

Just because your net worth is 10 million doesn’t mean you can’t connect with someone who makes $30,000 a year.

Just because you’re skinny as a rake doesn’t mean you can’t connect with someone who is obese.

Just because you never step out-of-line doesn’t mean you can’t connect with someone whom society would deem to be a ‘criminal’.

(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)

3) Spend more time judging people than you do being curious, or caring about them.

Ok, so we can be honest here. I have judged people before, and so have you. And other people are always judging you. Doesn’t mean you and I have to continue doing it all the time, though!

The problem is that when you and I judge others, we can’t connect with them. That’s our loss.

I go by the belief that no matter who it is, no matter how they present, no matter how much they have hurt me, I always have a world to learn from everyone I meet, if I really want to learn and become more as a woman.

Some time late last year (2010), a lady came on to the blog (right here) and started telling me all sorts of things about how horrible I was, and how little I knew about the world, and how I was living in a fake ‘rosy little world’ and that I basically knew nothing.

This hurt – because I absolutely have not lived an entirely rosy life. People seem to assume that if you’re happy – then you’ve never experienced any deep pain or had any painful experiences like they have, which is of course, untrue.

But I stopped for a second and I realized that behind all this is probably a soul who is hurting.

So I reached out to her (emailed her), and I found out that she was very angry, and she couldn’t open herself to any men, (or anyone for that matter), because her and her sister were both repeatedly raped when they were little girls, and that her sister had actually died of causes relating to the rape.

In return for my gesture, she gave me a beautiful gift: the gift of trusting me with her story, and the gift of connection.

Last time I heard, she is a happy reader of this blog 🙂

Connecting only with the people who are ‘like’ you makes you a scared little kitten sitting in the corner, who learns nothing.

The more you connect with people when it makes you feel uncomfortable, the more you’ll also be able to connect with the people who mean the most to you, because the more compassion you will develop, and the more empathy you will develop.

This doesn’t mean you have to like everybody, or be friends with everybody. It’s good to have passion, and to have things you hate as well as things that you love. I just don’t want you to restrict yourself and be doomed to feeling lonely and insignificant because of your own inhibitions.

(What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…)

Just to re-cap: In order to fail at connecting with people, you need to:

1) Value looking good or saying the right thing more than you value connecting with people (being present).

2) Discriminate who you make a connection with.

3) Spend more time judging people than you do being curious or caring about them.

Remember that we all have a lot more in common with each other than we think. The problem is that we all also have a need to feel significant – different from others.

To feel important. MORE important. Special. Yet, the truth still remains: we all have a lot more in common than we think. The more focused you are on being and feeling significant, the less connection you will have with people.

Click here to read more about the 17 Attraction Triggers.

Thanks for reading. How do you think people sabotage their own desire to connect with people?

Do also share your stories of times when you’ve gotten out of your comfort zone to connect. The more examples, the better. Thank You for your contribution. 🙂

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)


P.S. Connect with me on social media!

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Omg, that’s abcerlutly terrible what happened to the woman and sister. The pain they must have been through can barley register. Lol, I’m crying now because it must have been to awful, I’m so sorry to hear this. Thankyou so much Renee for talking to her and I’d bet that you’ve part transformed her life with your kind actions. R.I.P…..I hope she’s with the angels and being taken care off. On a seperate note, I would like to add that this is brilliant and I’m thankful for this as it had been my problem for a great length of time.… Read more »


Hi, I’m male, but glad I found your article. I seriously struggle to connect with women for some reason, of course I really want to, but I’m hopeful of fixing it. Your advice is good for men too I believe. -In response to the last 2 questions, for me personally, I just don’t want the interaction to get awkward (I often seem to run out of things to say, or at least things that are interesting to me, and I often don’t take in what is said to me as am so busy figuring out what to say next) so… Read more »


“People seem to assume that if you’re happy – then you’ve never experienced any deep pain or had any painful experiences like they have”

this applies to me so much. People don’t realize that this actually hurts me when they say this and they’re talking about their personal lives

Reply to  Aneesa

Thanks for all your comments lovely Aneesa! I hope you will continue to grow and ask yourself the hard questions, and thanks for your support. xoxoxox


i really enjoyed this post. i just found this site, and it is one of the many things i’ve been looking to hear.

thank you so much!


I have to admit it is very tempting to want to judge some of my co-workers. They drive me crazy!!!! However, I admit that when I take the time to see them as people with whole rich lives outside of work that include hobbies and families that love them, it makes it easier to communicate and not assume the worst intentions.

Thanks for the post!


The only time I have a problem connecting is if I sense that a woman feels jealous or competitive with me. I tend to avoid that type of woman because I’m just not competitive in that way. I find it draining to be around women like that. Otherwise, I am a firm believer that EVERYONE has lessons to teach us. I enjoy connecting with people who are very different from me. Most people are never a problem, just get a hint of what interests them, really LISTEN and don’t judge.

zigma pluto
zigma pluto



pps) but i do appreciate what u write. me happy ♥


ps) actually i quite like meeting strangers … then they wouldn’t (they actually couldn’t!) take me by my history and factual background and data. they are more likely to talk to your heart, if they do talk to you at all. also no pressure to “keep in touch” — which usually ends up that you do keep in touch 🙂


the world opens up as far as our heart open up 🙂

however, i feel that we judge, as in to decide upon the impression, all the time. it is more about how flexible we are with judgements.

Reply to  P

“the world opens up as far as our heart opens up”. Thanks P!


Renee, It is true that people have more to offer than what we may initially think at first. And you are right, a phD does not necessarily entail instant intuition or wisdom. In the media world that we live in, we are constantly pulled by market forces to convince us that we are or should discontent and that our salvation lies in the purchase of a new miracle product that will fill our void. But the truth is that it takes quite a bit of courage to express these kind of thoughts because society has built-in ways to deal with… Read more »

Reply to  Katie

Hey Katie,

Thanks for your comment, it means a lot.

Yes, I believe that many of us are very underrated. Humans have huge potential. We don’t have to like or hang out with all people, but it’s another thing to look at it through this lens of possibility.


Reply to  Renee

Renee, sometimes i ponder at the word human. perhaps to be a human is already the only but most endearing adventure on Earth.

Reply to  P

This is so lovely P! You are always have beautiful messages to share!

Stephenie Mace
Stephenie Mace

Wow, once again you did it in less then fifty pages LOL. Very good insight and also proof that if you are into yourself too much there is no room for anyone else. 🙂


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