Stop Trying to Do the Right Thing

Article updated 2018

Question: Would you steal $1000 to buy medicine for your mother if she was dying and her life depended on this medicine?

What if stealing the money is the last way on earth to come up with $1000?

The alternative is that you will lose your mom.

Would you steal the money?

Hang on –  didn’t we all get taught that stealing is bad/wrong?

All of us have to face tough decisions. How do we decide what to do?

Is there a right decision and a wrong decision? (Click here to complete the quiz “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

This reminds me of another tough question I heard many years ago.

Would you sacrifice your own life to save 10,000 starving African children?

Your relationship with a man is another area where tough decisions tend to pop up.

Do you stay quiet and not say anything because you don’t want to hurt a man?

(What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…)

Do you not speak up about how you feel for fear of burdening him or seeming like a crazy bitch or because you are so scared of losing him?

Do you sometimes decide to not say – or DO – anything at all in a tough situation for fear of being rejected, unloved, judged or laughed at because you believe it’s the ‘right’ thing to do?

Another example: It’s the same in our friendships. Sometimes, when you love someone, you may feel like you should not speak up and tell the truth for fear of hurting them. So, do you speak up and potentially offend that person – or worse still – risk losing their acceptance and love?

Is there actually a “right” thing to do?

Is it the right thing to do to stone a woman to death for adultery? What if you were born in a culture and society where that was the norm?

There is the age-old question of what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’. It’s true that us humans have differing ideas of what the ‘right’ thing to do is in different situations. However, the real question is not ‘what is the right thing to do in this situation?’ Because the answer that we come up with will be a result of what we have been ‘taught’, and of our past experiences.

There’s a better question:

“What would I say or do in the current situation if I was coming from a place of total care and love for this person and my relationship with them?’

For example: I’m sure you’ve known of (or at least heard of) women going back to a man who was ‘safe’ (in other words, ‘BORING’) OR a man who repeatedly treated her like a doormat because she ‘loves’ him. (Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

No. It’s not because she loves him. It’s because it’s safe. And easy.

You can love somebody totally, and give to them without having to ‘be with them’. But that takes a whole new level of courage.

See, what a lot of us tend to do is do what we think is RIGHT – but what we’re really doing is what is safe and ‘acceptable’.  Right = acceptable.

I remember a time in the past in my relationship where something really tough and painful was happening and we both felt hurt and unappreciated; both my man and I were suffering, and I elected to just ‘shut up’, and let it be because it was the ‘right’ thing to do, and I felt like I couldn’t do anything.  But that only lead to more suffering, because what I was really doing was taking the easy way out (safe) and not caring – if I was caring for him and for our relationship, I would have done something entirely different than just not saying anything at all.

To put it into perspective: if you thought you heard a man next door to you beating up his wife – but you couldn’t be sure – and had no proof of it, what would you do? Do you stay out of it because it’s “not your business”?

We’re in this society where we have to ‘fit in‘, and that is so encouraged that we don’t really know what caring IS. It’s either ‘acceptable’ to do, or not acceptable to do. In fact, caring is often not even in the picture.

Is it the right thing to do to ‘ignore’ your husband’s extra-marital affairs or stay married  ‘for the sake of your children?’

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

What you need to do instead of doing the right’ thing

A lot of dating and relationship advice out there is based on a give and take mentality. Give and take seems to be the ‘smart’ thing to do so that we don’t get humiliated, hurt or ‘used’. I am in total support of women taking care of themselves first because giving so much that you’re neglecting yourself is a terrible way to do things – it’s bad for you, and it’s not inspiring for others. (read my article about the relationship advice women should never take)

However – what I would like you to do from now on is not to do the ‘right’ thing – whatever that might be to you, but instead, ask yourself:

‘What would I do in this situation if I truly cared about this person, this situation, and our relationship?’

The key is to stop doing what’s right and to start caring. It’s about courage.

Click here to register to watch the Commitment Masterclass for free. 

One final question: Can you do or say the ‘wrong’ thing if you are coming from a caring place?

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)


P.S. Connect with me on social media!

Your relationship with a man is another area where tough decisions tend to pp up.
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the burden one is really interesting… is that right or wrong? It sounds good (ie “right” loving etc) but it could be a misconception, a fear, not believing in support or the other’s strength, feeling too responsible, thinking if a bad consequence that one is entirely responsible (obviously it depends how the honest sharing was done) when it could be that the other person has learnt how to avoid responsibility blame, deflect, make the other feel guilty. I am looking for the unshakeable courage to be me and to express myself – not to attack or blame but to be open… Read more »


What about the two boys that took off with the poor little boy the 1990’s. The victim wasn’t even 3 years of age but he lost his life, it was the James bulgur story. The murders were kids but do you think that would have stopped that poor baby boys mum from wanting to kill the two murders with her bare hands. I doubt not. What if their was suspicious activity going on that felt wrong on a gut level, I wonder how many people would be willing to confront the situation, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It’s a… Read more »


Here’s one wrong thing I might do: Not tell my husband or partner I cheated on him. There’s an argument to be made for locking it in a pandora’s box somewhere deep inside of yourself and keeping it there. Maybe you only did it once and you know you won’t do it again. Honesty is a good thing to a point and it’s really a judgment call where you draw the line. Once I forgot my mother’s birthday, called the next day, and pretended I thought it was her birthday that day – whoops, got the date mixed up. If… Read more »


Maybe I haven’t been so loving as I would like to think. It’s so hard to push fear aside though. It creeps and then it hits like a bolder and hurts yourself and your loved one. I’m always scared to say the wrong thing to my man. I try to speak it, but it never comes out right and he runs away. I just wish I could explain things to him in a way that he’ll stay. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m so scared that he’ll run off I stumble on what to say. I’m trying to be authentic… Read more »


I feel that it is possible to do the wrong thing if coming from a place of love (For example, parents overindulging their children because they love them so much and can’t say no). But generally I think that you’re more likely to behave in the best possible way when coming from a place of fearlessness and love. But I think that it is exeptionally difficult to be aware of our motives, or to find the loving/trusting part of ourselves and act/respond honestly from that alone. It’s so easy to fool ourselves and convince ourselves that we’re doing something out… Read more »

Reply to  D

Hey D, Thanks for your intelligent and thoughtful comment. You’ve brought up some really good points. Firstly, your point about parents over-indulging their children out of love – I’m going to pick a term you used: “love them so much and they can’t say no”. They key part here is ‘can’t say no’. Why? Why can’t they say no? Is over-indulging a child really something that’s done out of care? A lot of parents fear losing their child’s love, or perceive that by over-indulging them. they get their connection needs met faster/more often/more deeply. Does that make sense? Caring isn’t… Read more »

Bridgette Marie Williams
Bridgette Marie Williams

Ah, ethics! Few things drive the human race into more consternation than confusion as regards what is right or wrong. Your post hit the nail on the head when it comes to the murky quandries we can find ourselves in. In order to judge what is right and what is wrong requires adherence to moral standards, and an absolute understanding of *why* those standards define what is right and wrong, and these standards must stand on their own, objectively. We live in an age of “moral relatavism” and “situational ethics”, but what that has led to is an erosion of… Read more »


I am not sure if you can use stealing money and stoning a woman and compare that to having a talk with a man. The right man would want you to be authentic and speak your own mind. He would appreciate your input too as long as you are not trying to show him you are better than him. Although the female and male brains are different, we are not that different when it comes to common sense. It’s how you say it rather than what you say. A man would feel criticized at first but the right man would… Read more »

Reply to  Janice

Hi Janice,
The point of this post is to indicate that what is right and what is wrong is almost entirely based on perception.
It doesn’t matter how ‘unrelated’ the points, the point is this: you can always end up ‘doing the wrong thing’ if you’re trying to do the right thing.
However, here’s the question: can you do the wrong thing if you choose to do the caring thing?



i remember somewhere in harry potter, it is said …
it takes a lot to stand up to our enemies, it takes much more to stand up to our friends 🙂

Reply to  P

Wow, P. That’s a very powerful statement. Thank You for sharing! I hope your thesis is coming along well. 🙂

Reply to  Renee

lah lah lah …


Amitabh Pandey
Amitabh Pandey

Men & women aren’t different as they used to be. And the majority of women seem to like the prospect of a unisex world – except for one nagging problem: many of today’s men, mysteriously, lack a special vibrancy, vitality, gusto, pride that we once recognized as distinctively masculine. Much is being said among women today about the dearth of vital men – We hear about all the wonderful, dynamic women who have emerged in every field But, frequently, whatever the age of woman she says, ‘ The men seem so dull & grey now. They are dreary, they’re flat.… Read more »


Ive learned that you can still love someone even if youre not in a relationship with them. No circomestances can change that espcially if its coming from an honest place without the ego interfering.

It is an eye opener to see how much difference it makes when you act from the heart. To answer youre question, there will be no fear or doubt to do the right thing if its about wishing the best for the other person.

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