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“I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.” -Gerry Spence.

In our culture, we are bombarded with negativity every day. If you watch the news (I stopped watching any Television and reduced my ‘news’ intake about 4 years ago, although I still read the news selectively) you will know that we are always given reasons to fear. The news and the tabloids are always giving us reasons to be fearful. (Click here to download your “Goddess Report”)

If you believe what is fed to you by the news, and the useless magazines, and you don’t make an effort to feed your heart and mind with loving messages, you probably think you can’t trust anybody. On the news every day there’s stories about who’s cheating on who, or what celebrity is in rehab, or who is going through a divorce, or who got murdered by her husband.

Growing up, and growing old, we are trained to look for what is ‘wrong’ in things. We’re encouraged to look for what’s missing, where somebody has failed, or how somebody’s intentions aren’t genuine, because we live in a world of fear and conflict. Most people act out of fear, and we are encouraged to be skeptical, negative and to protect ourselves.

Settling for a belief that dis-empowers you and the people you love is gutless.

It takes no courage, for you, as a woman, to see the bad in people, in a situation – in anything! It takes no courage to be a pessimist, to criticize, or to think the worst of people.

Being realistic vs having courage

The problem with being negative or “realistic” – (which really is another word for seeing things in a way that makes you powerless so you can justify not taking any action) is that it’s easy to do, and we start doing it ALL the time out of habit, without consciously being aware of it. Instead, acting from a place of pride and self-respect or love would be the better way to go about things.

The reason why there’s plenty of mediocre advice out there is because this is what most people do. They become “realistic”, when, they’re really giving themselves a reason to turn cynical, or as I like to say, giving themselves a reason to keep the status quo – so they don’t inspire change in themselves, in their relationship or in others.

This takes no emotional muscle, and it takes zero courage.

This is what most people do. Most people do what is easy.The average woman will look for the bad in things, so don’t cheap out on yourself with pessimism.

See, people tend to think that by noticing all the bad things in a situation, or in their boyfriend or husband, they’re doing themselves a favor – because we’ve all been taught to be “smart about things” (in other words, be careful, and watch out for when things will go wrong, and when they do – RUN).

Reacting to the behavior of men

It’s just all too easy to look at someone else’s behavior and just put it down to them being an idiot. Especially men. However, this is the attitude of an averagewoman. It’s an attitude that leads to mediocrity. Do you really want that? Do you really want an average life? Or an average relationship? Do you really want to just be a mediocre person? Or to have mediocre standards for yourself? (Click here to take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

A relationship that’s just ‘OK’? A life where you ‘survive’ – in other words, you just ‘get by’? This is where cynicism and negativity will get you. Nobody ever achieved anything great, and nobody ever achieved true happiness by thinking badly about things.

Scared and cowardly people sit in their corner pointing out what’s ‘wrong’ with things.

I know of a relationship ‘guru’ who once said men are supposed to be givers in relationships.

I’m sorry? I’ve got news: no-one is supposed to be anything in relationships. People do what meets their needs, and if you want to impose rules on any man – make sure you can meet them yourself first. My bet is that you don’t even always meet your own rules.

And the more rules you have – the less happy you will be. In general, the more rules we have about how things ‘should’ be, the less likely we are to find and maintain that loving relationship that we want. (read my article about stop doing the right thing)

Easy is not rewarding

If it was easy, we wouldn’t grow. And we ALWAYS have to grow. What happens if we are not growing? We’re dying. If everything was easy, and we didn’t have to challenge ourselves, then we could ALL have super boyfriends and husbands, and we would all ‘get the job’, or live that great lifestyle, and we know that’s not the truth.

And if you want a great relationship and a quality man, you cannot look for the bad in things; you have to look for the good.

This is called courage, although most people would tell you it’s stupidity or naivety. I call this attitude mediocrity.

This doesn’t mean you should ignore the truth – no, you have to acknowledge the truth, see it for what it is, and then see itbetterthan it is, so you can do something about it. If you see it as just a crappy situation, you’re not going to be driven to do anything about anything.

Breeding mediocrity

And this is how mediocrity is bred.

So, instead of calling someone a ‘man-child’, or a commitment-phobe, instead of saying he’s just an a**, just stop for a minute. People do things for a reason, and we cannot help ourselves by settling for these mediocre beliefs. You know better, don’t you?

I’m not telling you to accept bad treatment. Not at all (and there will be men out there who want to take advantage of you). What I am suggesting is to have high standards for yourself, and to not trap yourself in dead-end patterns or beliefs that lead you nowhere closer to the life and love that you truly deserve, and certainly don’t lead you to understand yourself or other people any better.

Remember that quote: ‘An eye for an eye will eventually make the world go blind’?

It’s true, but most importantly, it makes You blind.

And soon enough, alone. (read my article about how to deal with loneliness)

In relationships, and with men, you simply cannot afford to punish (passively or actively – emotionally or physically) and to see a man as less than he is.

Don’t settle for beliefs and conclusions that dis-empower you! You are worth more than that!

You don’t HAVE to settle, or to point the finger. Every day you get to choose. You get to choose what mindset to have, and you get to choose to hold yourself to a higher standard.

This is not to say that you don’t accept that there will be men (or women, or whoever) out there who want to take advantage of you – it means you see it for what it is, but do not get dis-encouraged by focusing on everything that is bad.

So from now on, here is what I want you to do:

The better way to see things would not be to pretend everything is great and buy in to the whole silly positive thinking idea – the better way would be to see things as they are, (acknowledge the truth), and then find a way to make it better.

Want to learn what attracts men? Click here to discover the 17 Attraction Triggers.

I’ve had my turn, now please share any mediocre beliefs or thought patterns you can think of. And share with us how you overcome negativity.

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Morgan
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Morgan

It makes me angry when people say things like, “it’s just who I am” or “I’m just human, I can’t change” to justify themselves when they do or say something hurtful repeatedly. For example, I once heard, “I know I’m arrogant and I’m an asshole to people, but this is just a part of me and that’s what you get from me”. And I just thought, “you really don’t care at all that you’re hurting people you love? People that also love you? That you’re damaging your relationships?” Because it’s one thing to accept a part of yourself, good or… Read more »

SweetMarie123
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SweetMarie123

I always laugh when I hear women call a man “commitment-phobic” or “unromantic” when describing a man who isn’t what they wish he were with them. There is no such thing as either…ALL men and willing to commit and will be romantic with a woman they are really into. How often do you hear of a “stringer” wasting one woman’s years and then marrying a new on almost immediately? When a guy is crazy about a woman, he PROPOSES and SETS A (soon) DATE, period. I am talking about men who have finished school and are working, obviously not a… Read more »

Anais
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Anais

This was a good read, especially the point about the news. It’s true, we are taught to live out of fear and that doesn’t allow us to be our true selves. The news is always delivering negative news that we don’t necessarily need to know. It makes people be scared of truly living and always keeping in their comfort zone. I stopped watching the newes and staying as “informed” about all the negativity the media reports for similar reasons as you. I have friends who I have distanced myself from, as they live by the belief to expect the worse… Read more »

Holly
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Holly

Thankyou Renee for writing this article 🙂 Your the best! and defently the most influential person I have ever come across. I’m thought I’d re-read and re -comment on this article as I’m currently going through a a crusial life’s transforming experience within my life. That means that my mind is especially open to new new believes and ways of veiwing the world. That means that now is the best time ever to read the beautiful work created in the Feminine women blog. I will forever be a fan and a follower of you as this is so much more… Read more »

Holly
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Holly

Hello Renee and David I will start of by saying that the work on here is incredible and of an inspirational nature. I know that if theirs ever a time I feel low then the feminine women blog really helps lifts my spirits. Most defently i’ve spent my entire life living in victim mode, being the ultimate negative, neutrol person. Now I really want to turn my life around. I’m curently recieving psychological help, reading various books, I never have time for tv, full stop as I work out, invest in my health and currently studying maths and english in… Read more »

Holly
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Holly

Happiness. Opinions will be vaired. I went out in a nice summer dress yesterday and made the most of my apperance. I felt happy with my over all look, although I realise i’m far from perfect i’m defently more accepting of my flaws. Today a man I know jokingly said that I looked like I was autitioning for modeling. It was only a joke but the point was that man noticed I tried to make the best of myself. That’s all I can do is try my best to be a better more feminine version of who I am. P.s,… Read more »

Kathy Joyce
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Negative energy attracts negative energy, so I totally agree that it can hold you back and stop you from finding a great relationship, or persuing your career goals. I also agree about negativity in news programes. Watching the news can leave you feeling depressed and anxious at times. I gave up buying a newspaper some time ago.

Xeni
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Xeni

Wow! I’ve been reading a few articles here, but this one really grabbed me for some reason.

Not because I see my relationships this way, but rather because I do what your advice is almost all the time (occasionally I, too, fall into that trap given to me by the media). I suppose I’ve managed to harmonize the intellectual and the emotional in me: the one that sees every truth for what it is (when possible) and the one that wants everything to be better and more positive.

Thanks for this article!

Sandra81
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Sandra81

Dear Renée, On one hand, I do agree with your way of thinking. But, on the other hand…here is my story. I’ve been dating this guy on & off since last summer. We are both members in a youth organization, and this is how we met. Things started off really great, we fancied each other from the first moment, but soon after we got together (we didn’t goo TOO far yet – not even today), he pulled away, started acting distant, and never gave me an explanation. Then, I left the “relationship” saying that although I liked him and cared… Read more »

April
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April

Hi! ^_^ I was just looking through the comments and reading yours. After reading it, I don’t think she was meaning positive and negative feelings like that. Hmm… I thought she was meaning in situations like when someone messes up or does something ridiculous and not necessarily him being undecided. That’s just me however. I remembered reading about something like this in “Fascinating Girl” actually. I really loved the post Renee! This something that can apply to all of us striving to be feminine. I’m truly thankful for you making this sight to help all of us ^_^

P
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P

Renee, yes, similar to u, i haven’t been that alert on news for a few years already. to begin with, i wasn’t doing it intentionally. but gradually i was becoming more aware that i wasn’t following it with such keeness. then at later stages i was able to be aware of news without being affected by it. and then it seems that one is able to build up an internal radio receiver to select the channel where outside things come through.

did you have similar stages like me? 🙂

Renee
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Renee

Yes, similar, P. I don’t let rubbish come in. Input = message. Message = what goes in to my mind. Why would I want to feed my mind with things that put me in a bad state? I still read some news to ‘keep up to date’, and like you, I select the channel. 🙂 It’s not about being ignorant – I acknowledge that there are many things in life that are unfortunate – but focusing on the bad things is a whole ‘nother world. I don’t want to be feeding my mind with messages that encourage my focus to… Read more »

P
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P

Meike
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As i am still training hard to develop that emotional muscle, it helps me a lot to know of something practical to do once negativity overcomes me! So, what i came up with (well, i bet it wasn’t directly my idea 🙂 )is a list of small things that i know make me happy. I add things as i go (this way i have also learned to just stop and notice the moment i feel i really enjoy something, and not take it for granted) and once i feel depressed, i go over it step by step and i instantly… Read more »

Renee
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Renee

LOVE this Meike! Thanks!
xoxo

Bridgette Marie Williams
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Bridgette Marie Williams

Renee, you write with great conviction, as always. I applaud your intentions with this post, however I do not agree with your premises or conclusions. To reject “realism” as being nothing more than an impotent form of negativity, is incorrect and not in harmony with what realism means. It is understandable how you and others have linked “realism” and “negativity” in your minds–people who are indeed negatively-minded tend to try to wrap themselves in the banner of “realism”. Such people have abused the word, and are responsible for the confusion that has ensued. That being said, the misuse of the… Read more »

JP
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JP

Im pretty sure Renee knows what “realistic”, “realism”, “reality” all mean. I would hope we all do. In my understanding, she is talking about is how people disguise negativity for reality… just as you have described. But more than that, reality is ever-changing. So to say something isn’t possible because it isn’t realistic or has not been done before, does not mean it can’t be accomplished or created. It’s an excuse. We limit ourselves when we can’t see past our current reality. That is why Renee said “the better way would be to see things as they are, (acknowledge the… Read more »

Bridgette Marie Williams
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Bridgette Marie Williams

JP– I thank you for taking the time to make your thoughts known to me. I can see how on the surface of things how you think Renee’s use of “reality” and mine are PotAto, PotAHto…as you put it. However…upon deeper inspection of her premises vs mine you’ll see that her views and mine have greater distance than you suppose. Moreover, I utterly disagree with you in the matter of reality being ever-changing. Circumstances change…reality does not. Certainly, people limit their vision, and thus limit their lives…but it is not their “current” reality that is being limited. It is a… Read more »

JP
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JP

Well, I certainly didn’t mean to speak for Renee which is why I said “In my understanding” before I went into discussion about the post.

I did not imply that Realism and truth are separate things. I do however know that they are separate words with different spellings and pronunciations. I said they equaled each other because they ARE separate words used in the same way with equal value. That is all.

Sometimes when we over-analyze things we miss the point… Im implying that this is what you’re doing 😉

Minnie
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Minnie

Bridgette, I don’t think her point is related to “trusting in your heart” or being irrational. She said to see things as they are, (acknowledge the truth), and then find a way to make things better.

To me, this would build character.

zigmz pluto
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zigmz pluto

dear Renee “THE BETTER WAY WOULD NOT BE TO PRETEND EVERYTHING IS GREAT, THE BETTER WAY WOULD BE TO SEE THINGS AS THEY ARE (ACKNOWLEDGE THE TRUTH) , THEN FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT BETTER.” Now that was an “a-ha” moment for me!;) I wish my mother told me that!She always told to look for positive in people, and actually made me naieve and a victim,until I got badly hurt and closed down completely to people. Your article provided me with the answer I was actually looking for for a while. I have been swinging like a pendulum between… Read more »

P
Guest
P

it cheers me up. thank you 🙂

Pharmagirl
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Pharmagirl

Thanks for this great article… I liked “The more rules we have about how things ‘should’ be, the less likely we are to find and maintain that loving relationship that we want.” I believe it is the clue here 🙂 Every problem in my personal life starts with putting specific reactions to my husband towards things and if they are not done the way I wished, I got depressed!!” He is now passing through hard-times really. He works abroad and we “me and 2 kids” only see him once a year for a month!!! this is his forth year away… Read more »

Louise
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Louise

Yes… it is true. Sometimes we underestimate men. We think they’re all the same or we want them to act in a very specific way, like controlling them. Thank you so much for this article… It really made me think about my current relationship. I often think my man acts childishly, irresponsibly and I just expect him to do what I think is correct. But I rarely think about all the positive things he does, and after reading this, I realize there are actually a lot of them. Focusing only in a person’s mistakes has no sense and it only… Read more »

JP
Guest
JP

I agree that negativity is EVERYWHERE! Like it’s just waiting to swallow us up. I tend to be a pretty positive person, believing there is always hope,you should never give up, and that things will work out. I mean I have my days when I complain & pout and just let the negativity take over, but I always pull myself out of this and don’t allow it to be my permanent view of life. It’s kind of surprising Im like this because my mother is so negative all the time. Anytime I talk about making a change or going in… Read more »

Renee
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Renee

Hey JP! Your situation with your mum is exactly what I’m talking about. It’s difficult when we’re fed trapping beliefs all the time. It’s like: ‘oh you know, that’s unrealistic’, ‘you’re a dreamer’. Ok….so that’s it? Nothing else of value to say? 🙂 I believe this part of your mum that is negative has a positive intent somewhere, and I definitely don’t think she wants to harm you, however, I know how difficult it must be for you, and a solution would be to feed your MIND with inspirational (not positive, positive doesn’t work in the long-run, I don’t think… Read more »

Renee
Guest
Renee

Here’s a GREAT video of Will Smith on greatness, and being “realistic”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SwTx7dM9NI&feature=related

JP
Guest
JP

That’s a great video! I didn’t know Will Smith was so motivational. I knew he was a happy, positive person, but wow… he is great! I really liked the part where he was talking about being “realistic”… he makes so much sense! Thank you for sharing:)

Em
Guest
Em

Thank you for this blog, on the relationship guru that stated men are supposed to be givers, isn’t that true in the sense that men naturally want to provide and it is a gift when women are open to being receivers?

Renee
Guest
Renee

Hey Em, That’s a great question. For sure many men love to provide (some women would like to argue that some men don’t want to) and for sure, women need to learn to be receivers! It sure is also a gift when women are open to receiving. I am talking about something different – many people go in to something ‘expecting’ something from the other person. I often find that women who think men ‘should’ do this and ‘should’ do that end up alone. Many of us expect our partner to be perfect, (or expect ourselves to be perfect) and… Read more »

T
Guest
T

Well, I can’t say I’ve overcome negativity as I just did it this morning. There is a coworker who I am (was?) a bit interested in and I thought he was interested in me. In fact he made it a point to walk me home a few months ago and asked me all these questions – vetting questions. At the end of the walk he even invitied me over to a friend’s house for dinner, but I had plans that night and stuck to them. Anyway I don’t know if he’s used to being chased by women or what…I kinda… Read more »

Renee
Guest
Renee

Haha T, I understand the confusion when somebody tells you something and you’re confused as to why they may have told you 🙂 I don’t mean for women to be perfect – there’s nothing wrong with having off moments. And, by the way, in the post, I mentioned that positive thinking is not the way to go – positive thinking is almost just as bad. To me positive thinking is something you do to try to ‘convince’ yourself that things are great – when, as I said above, the better thing to do would be to see things as they… Read more »

T
Guest
T

Hmmmm…okay so if I apply what you are saying to may situation. I am dealing with someone who may like me (I am saying that because of the questions he asked and then invited me to dinner afterward – not a date but he didn’t have to extend the invitation. So…if I saw things better than they are as you suggest, that would mean that we would possibly continue to get to know each other and see if we really like each other. So is that it? In other words I should stop viewing him a freak and just try… Read more »

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