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Article updated 2018
Is there a high value way to deal with judgmental assholes?
“I can tell she’s judging me. She doesn’t like me because I am not in control like her and don’t have everything figured out and I go with the flow. I see it in her face. And then, I can’t be myself at work.”
“You mean you’re walking around on eggshells?”
That was a snippet of a conversation I had with an acquaintance.
There’s a lot of talk about getting people to stop judging everybody all over the internet. It’s everywhere. You can’t judge someone for being single, you can’t judge someone for doing parenting differently, you can’t judge someone for using too much make up.
If you do, you’re a “judgmental prick”.
Take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?” here.
But this is futile. When we ask and demand that others stop judging us, we are still hooked into them, and invested in their judgement. Which means, we’re invested in someone who may not even care about us.
In the process, we forget about ourselves and lose touch with the fact that we make our decisions for a reason. Some of us make more researched and more careful decisions than others, but we still all make our decisions for a reason.
I mean – there are judgmental people around you right now, who really may not even give a crap about connecting with you. Yet we are spending misguided energy on ‘trying’ to keep them from judging us.
People who judge us a lot are not interested in connecting. They are interested in feeling safe and worthy and small.
So – what can we do about judgmental people?
It’s not enough to hope that people will stop judging us. It’s also not enough to make them wrong for judging us.
Judgement are necessary. Judgement are to be respected for what they are:
An attempt at protecting our own identities, or if we have low self esteem, or live in fear, judgement are to push uncomfortable emotions further and further away.
This serves a purpose. It’s definitely not inspiring – but it serves a purpose for some people to be judgmental.
For example, judgement also keep us closer to the people who we truly connect with. We do things our way – and you ‘weird people’ continue doing things your way.
You can’t stop other humans from dong this, and you can’t always stop yourself, either. Even the kindest people on earth have had moments of being judgmental.
So, for you and for me – there’s no need to please. We are all running out of time too fast. We’re getting old. Our loved ones are getting sick and dying.
And we worry about a natural human impulse?
Or worst, we worry about the judgement of people who don’t give two hoots.
It doesn’t matter.
Humans have a long history of gathering with like-minded people and living in tribes. In tribes you have to fit in. If someone judges you a lot, and tries to make your choices wrong – then clearly they are not meant to be in your tribe – they’re not meant to be your friend.
Treasure that message. You may be a beautiful, sensitive woman, which you are for caring about other people and their judgement – but you’re denying the people who truly matter to you, the bulk of your energy and your gifts. Because you’re worrying about people who do not matter.
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I’m happy when strangers judge me
There’s a part of me that’s happy when I feel strangers judging me. Because in the things that truly matter, I take pride in my choices, I have researched my choices, and I have my family to support me (a very tiny one at that).
And even the choices I make impulsively, stupidly – the idiotic things I do – they’re my story, and my responsibility. It doesn’t matter if someone else thinks I’m a failure because I always remember this:
In most cases, no matter HOW perfect we try to be – people will not make the nicer judgement about us. They will make the most convenient judgement about us. That’s right; whatever judgement is easiest and most convenient, they will make about us anyway.
For example, for someone who is being lazy, or who isn’t interested in caring about you, or for people with low self esteem, the most convenient judgement to make about you will be the judgement that makes them look good, and makes you look bad.
Let it be. They are not you. You are not them.
Let them have that illusion that they are so much better than you. They need it more than you do.
Sometimes, people really do need that to keep them where they are at in life. Don’t try to take that away from them. You’re higher value than that. You’re stronger than that.
It’s not a stranger’s or an acquaintance’s job to not judge me.
Other people’s job is to judge me. It’s my job to deal with it and respect that they need to judge others for whatever reason.
They’re going to make a bad egg in my life if they judge me a lot – what use is there in me really trying to fit into their mould?
People close to you should not judge you
However – it’s a problem if our husband or best friend, or mother judges us.
THAT is a no-no.
The people you’ve accepted in to your tribe need to care about you, as much as you care about them.
The people you choose to put your trust in, need to feel you and connect with you, and you need to do that for them – maybe even more so. The more present you are for them, the more value you can add, and the more rubbish you can see through.
If they don’t care enough to overcome impulsive judgements of you, and if you don’t care enough to overcome impulsive judgements of them, then they should be downgraded to a stranger or an acquaintance. Not a friend, or a lover.
Why would you want to NOT worry about people judging you when it’s so painful?
I won’t deny that we all have a desire to be socially accepted.
But often, we strive for social acceptance in the wrong context.
For example, we strive to be accepted in a group of friends who never cared about us. When we should be getting up, leaving, and finding better social circles.
We should NEVER worry about judgements from a place of scarcity, and fear.
We should never strive to ‘fit in’ just because we have no one else. That is mediocrity – and that’s what we do when we are constantly afraid.
Let your body breathe in whichever way it naturally wants to.
I’d prefer the agony of loneliness than the fakeness of a fake lover or fake friends.
What if you truly LOVE someone and they judge you?
What if you truly love someone and they judge you? That’s OK, if you truly love and care for them. It’s always ok when there’s the strength of only love.
And, it is your choice.
Because when you truly love someone, and you put your energy and focus in the strength of your love when you interact with them, then you can open them beyond their own little suitcase of suffering that is their judgements of you.
The most judgemental people are creating their own suffering the most. It’s a terrible cycle of suffering.
Why would you judge when you could open your arms, stand under a tree, and feel the depth and infinity of the earth that you are?
Only because repetitive suffering is safer than feeling how infinite we really are. And how one we are with the ocean, the earth – how we truly ARE the ocean and the earth.
This is where you come in.
If you truly do love someone, and they judge you, then you get to make the choice – take the high road and open them beyond their judgements? (Which would require that you show your total acceptance of them?)
Or leave them behind?
Both decisions are ok. It depends on the context and on the history of how they have treated you. Whether they even ever made you feel like they care about you.
Don’t choose to be small and low value if you have the choice. Don’t chase acceptance. Instead, give love and acceptance to a few people who deserve it.
And, choose carefully. Every ounce of worry spent on insignificant people, on strangers, is less energy left over for the people who would be loyal to you.
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