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Article updated 2018

Is there a high value way to deal with judgmental assholes?

“I can tell she’s judging me. She doesn’t like me because I am not in control like her and don’t have everything figured out and I go with the flow. I see it in her face. And then, I can’t be myself at work.”

“You mean you’re walking around on eggshells?”

“Yeah!”

That was a snippet of a conversation I had with an acquaintance.

There’s a lot of talk about getting people to stop judging everybody all over the internet. It’s everywhere. You can’t judge someone for being single, you can’t judge someone for doing parenting differently, you can’t judge someone for using too much make up.

If you do, you’re a “judgmental prick”.

Take the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?” here.

But this is futile. When we ask and demand that others stop judging us, we are still hooked into them, and invested in their judgement. Which means, we’re invested in someone who may not even care about us.

In the process, we forget about ourselves and lose touch with the fact that we make our decisions for a reason. Some of us make more researched and more careful decisions than others, but we still all make our decisions for a reason.

I mean – there are judgmental people around you right now, who really may not even give a crap about connecting with you. Yet we are spending misguided energy on ‘trying’ to keep them from judging us.

People who judge us a lot are not interested in connecting. They are interested in feeling safe and worthy and small.

So – what can we do about judgmental people?

It’s not enough to hope that people will stop judging us. It’s also not enough to make them wrong for judging us.

Judgement are necessary. Judgement are to be respected for what they are:

An attempt at protecting our own identities, or if we have low self esteem, or live in fear, judgement are to push uncomfortable emotions further and further away.

This serves a purpose. It’s definitely not inspiring – but it serves a purpose for some people to be judgmental.

For example, judgement also keep us closer to the people who we truly connect with. We do things our way – and you ‘weird people’ continue doing things your way.

You can’t stop other humans from dong this, and you can’t always stop yourself, either. Even the kindest people on earth have had moments of being judgmental. 

So, for you and for me – there’s no need to please. We are all running out of time too fast. We’re getting old. Our loved ones are getting sick and dying.

And we worry about a natural human impulse? 

Or worst, we worry about the judgement of people who don’t give two hoots.

It doesn’t matter.

Humans have a long history of gathering with like-minded people and living in tribes. In tribes you have to fit in. If someone judges you a lot, and tries to make your choices wrong – then clearly they are not meant to be in your tribe – they’re not meant to be your friend.

Treasure that message. You may be a beautiful, sensitive woman, which you are for caring about other people and their judgement – but you’re denying the people who truly matter to you, the bulk of your energy and your gifts. Because you’re worrying about people who do not matter.

(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)? Click here to find out right now…)

I’m happy when strangers judge me

There’s a part of me that’s happy when I feel strangers judging me. Because in the things that truly matter, I take pride in my choices, I have researched my choices, and I have my family to support me (a very tiny one at that).

And even the choices I make impulsively, stupidly – the idiotic things I do – they’re my story, and my responsibility. It doesn’t matter if someone else thinks I’m a failure because I always remember this:

In most cases, no matter HOW perfect we try to be – people will not make the nicer judgement about us. They will make the most convenient judgement about us. That’s right; whatever judgement is easiest and most convenient, they will make about us anyway.

For example, for someone who is being lazy, or who isn’t interested in caring about you, or for people with low self esteem, the most convenient judgement to make about you will be the judgement that makes them look good, and makes you look bad.

Let it be. They are not you. You are not them.

Let them have that illusion that they are so much better than you. They need it more than you do.

Sometimes, people really do need that to keep them where they are at in life. Don’t try to take that away from them. You’re higher value than that. You’re stronger than that.

It’s not a stranger’s or an acquaintance’s job to not judge me.

Other people’s job is to judge me. It’s my job to deal with it and respect that they need to judge others for whatever reason.

They’re going to make a bad egg in my life if they judge me a lot – what use is there in me really trying to fit into their mould?

People close to you should not judge you

However – it’s a problem if our husband or best friend, or mother judges us.

THAT is a no-no.

The people you’ve accepted in to your tribe need to care about you, as much as you care about them.

The people you choose to put your trust in, need to feel you and connect with you, and you need to do that for them – maybe even more so. The more present you are for them, the more value you can add, and the more rubbish you can see through.

If they don’t care enough to overcome impulsive judgements of you, and if you don’t care enough to overcome impulsive judgements of them, then they should be downgraded to a stranger or an acquaintance. Not a friend, or a lover.

Why would you want to NOT worry about people judging you when it’s so painful?

I won’t deny that we all have a desire to be socially accepted.

But often, we strive for social acceptance in the wrong context.

For example, we strive to be accepted in a group of friends who never cared about us. When we should be getting up, leaving, and finding better social circles.

We should NEVER worry about judgements from a place of scarcity, and fear.

We should never strive to ‘fit in’ just because we have no one else. That is mediocrity – and that’s what we do when we are constantly afraid.

Just breathe.

Let your body breathe in whichever way it naturally wants to.

I’d prefer the agony of loneliness than the fakeness of a fake lover or fake friends.

What if you truly LOVE someone and they judge you?

What if you truly love someone and they judge you? That’s OK, if you truly love and care for them. It’s always ok when there’s the strength of only love.

And, it is your choice.

Because when you truly love someone, and you put your energy and focus in the strength of your love when you interact with them, then you can open them beyond their own little suitcase of suffering that is their judgements of you.

The most judgemental people are creating their own suffering the most. It’s a terrible cycle of suffering.

Why would you judge when you could open your arms, stand under a tree, and feel the depth and infinity of the earth that you are?

Only because repetitive suffering is safer than feeling how infinite we really are. And how one we are with the ocean, the earth – how we truly ARE the ocean and the earth.

This is where you come in.

If you truly do love someone, and they judge you, then you get to make the choice – take the high road and open them beyond their judgements? (Which would require that you show your total acceptance of them?)

Or leave them behind?

Both decisions are ok. It depends on the context and on the history of how they have treated you. Whether they even ever made you feel like they care about you. 

Don’t choose to be small and low value if you have the choice. Don’t chase acceptance. Instead, give love and acceptance to a few people who deserve it.

And, choose carefully. Every ounce of worry spent on insignificant people, on strangers, is less energy left over for the people who would be loyal to you.

By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled, “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s free for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only

renee-wade

P.S.

Connect with me on social media.

Here’s my Youtube Channel The Feminine Woman. 
Here’s The Feminine Woman Facebook page… 
Here’s my Instagram Pages TheFeminineWoman  & My Personal Instagram. 

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Lolade AjaiGoodall LesleyMelissa BridgesLauren TalleyAngela Recent comment authors
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Lolade Ajai
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Lolade Ajai

I can totally relate to this. I have had to walk away from many relationships (women) over the space of two years. I moved countries and, while my circle of friends has always been small (i can count them on one hand and still have fingers left), now they are miles away from me. I decided to go out and socialise and found myself struggling to get along with most people i met and got to know. The major problem was always judgement and comparison among women. It is so exhausting. I never feel inclined towards playing that game, ever.… Read more »

Goodall Lesley
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Goodall Lesley

Renee, at 62 I don’t care what others think of me now, although I’ve had stupid times of making myself ill over it. When someone says to me now, ‘Lesley you look younger every time we see you’ I think ‘ Well at least I’m not invisible yet.’!!!

Melissa Bridges
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Melissa Bridges

I’ve noticed that some of the most confident women who look down on others who they see as less than either deny a part of themselves that if anyone ever saw it, including themselves they wouldn’t be able to love. They are also good at projecting these feelings since again, they’re not less than, and if picked up by am insecure person who is afraid to be totally themselves, their insecurities will be mirrored energetically right back and will reinforce unworth. Judgments aren’t necessary. They have nothing to do with us personally, it is the judger who has issues.. To… Read more »

Melissa Bridges
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Melissa Bridges

Ahha!! I caught myself judging them by calling them bitches!! Lol. To be more compassionate, really they’re hurting inside, and who can’t relate..

Angela
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Angela

Hi Renee: I love this article! I can say that it is really hard to have a healthy self-image if you are constantly surrounded by people who judge you. As a child, the people closest to me judged me harshly – namely my mother and sister, and they did it for sport. I was the “cinderella” of the family and it still holds today. My mother’s constant degrading behavior towards me affected my personal and professional choices and I’m just coming to terms with it in my 40’s. After high school, I married (and finally divorced) a man who also… Read more »

sandre
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sandre

“I can tell she’s judging me. She doesn’t like me because I am not in control like her and don’t have everything figured out and I go with the flow. I see it in her face. And then, I can’t be myself at work.” – If she REALLY is “in control” and “has everything figured out” she would NOT be judging you! She’d be too busy being in control and enjoying her life to expand time and energy on creating negative thoughts about other people!

StarsCollide
Guest
StarsCollide

It is so easy to judge people, but it is difficult to take the time to look at our reflection and see what we did wrong. We cannot always see immediately why the person was that way in the first place. There are reasons why people are who they are today.

unfriended
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unfriended

And then sometimes it’s not even about you. They aren’t judging you at all. They have a whole entire life that was lived before they met you, and a whole life that is lived when you aren’t around. And what they say, do or ask is based on that and their misplaced understanding that you are a friend who will take them at face value. You think they’re judging you, and you are judging them for that, but the only one doing the judging is you. Congrats on the baby. Wish I could have met him or her. Also wish… Read more »

Anita
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Anita

What a great post!
Very timely too!! I was just thinking on this topic related to someone in the distant family – who was judgy, hurtful but not attempting to connect – and after reading this article concluded that they just are not my tribe and that I must not waste my energy on one small negative but rather focus on the positives:))

Jessica W
Guest
Jessica W

People are going to judge each other until they pass away. No sense in letting those things get to you. It’s not what you are called; it’s what you answer to. Half the time, judgmental people are jealous or don’t understand and seek to destroy others. However, sometimes being judgmental can keep you safe from disaster when it comes to friendships, relationships, and marriages.

Nes
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Nes

Thank you for this article René… It arrived in my mailbox at the right time.

Lucia
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Lucia

I would like to share my experience here. I live in one of those European capitals where women are focused on their careers and how much money they make. They always compete against each other and almost all of them had an unhappy childhood where one of their parents was constantly putting them down and making them feel unworthy. Since I ended up among them I clearly had the same issue until I discovered this blog and found out the reason of my unhappiness: not being in touch with my feminine nature. So it took me about 2 years to… Read more »

Renee Wade
Guest

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story Lucia! x

Tanya Rachel Wieczorek
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Tanya Rachel Wieczorek

“we strive to be accepted in a group of friends who never cared about us. When we should be getting up, leaving, and finding better social circles.” “Don’t chase acceptance.” OMG Renee! That is exactly what I just went through a couple of weeks ago! As soon as I started to read this article I wondered if you would say something about what to actually *do* in these instances (as opposed to how to mentally deal with judgmental people, which is of course important, but sometimes you need to physically do something!) I would go with a group of so-called… Read more »

Lauren Talley
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Lauren Talley

Hi Tanya, I read your comment and it made me very sad. I’m a Christian, a very committed one, and I want to apologize to you for the way you were treated. God definitely would not treat you unkindly, and He doesn’t condone His kids acting that way.

Hoping you discover some healthy, loving new friendships! ❤️

DW
Guest
DW

This was RIGHT ON TIME. I am so thankful for you, Renee, and your deep hold on reality. What a blessing to know that there are other women out there who just get it. Women who emanate light and not negativity. I struggle with seeing my reflection in other women who, rather than take time to get to know me, instead judge…hearing your words is true encouragement to fight through.

P.s. – Please don’t leave for long! Your articles are a breath of fresh air.

xoxo -D

Robin
Guest
Robin

Hi Renee,
Thank you for this letter. I am curious how to hold the space of loving someone and gracefully walking away as one determines that a relationship the way I would like it based on my needs, is not possible…. If I am not getting my needs met how do I relay this without “judging” them. I struggle for words that expose my high valueless of myself vs low value as “I don’t accept them.”

Thank you always,
Robin

Tonya Westbrook
Guest
Tonya Westbrook

I have to be honest I have been judged plenty of times and I’m also guilty of judging others. At age 41 I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin.. Not really caring very little about what others think. What bothers me is when a person I love or care for judges me on my past mistakes in life. I have four children.. Ranching from 26 to 20 years old. I had them while I was still practically a kid myself. I regret having them so young.. But I don’t regret having them for they made me what I… Read more »

practicalh
Guest

Great and such an important topic. I have to disagree with the part about it not being ok when the people who we love and who we are close to judge us. I believe that just like with strangers, judgments can have a lot of use and benefit if they are communicated respectfully. I want my lover, my parent and my close friend to tell me what they think I am doing wrong so that I have an opportunity to consider it, change it if I find it necessary or apologize or all of the above. When done correctly, judgment… Read more »

Renee Wade
Guest

Hi Practicalh – oh! I don’t consider what you describe as a judgement… When you say ‘I want my lover, my parent and my close friend to tell me what they think I am doing wrong so that I have an opportunity to consider it’ – that sounds to me like you are welcoming loving feedback. Which isn’t a judgement. Judgements create separation between two otherwise intimate people, and can be hostile – a way of making someone else’s existence, unique way of doing things wrong for the sake of serving one’s selfish needs out of fear. Eg: “Ugh, going… Read more »

practicalh
Guest

Hi, Renee. Thanks for your response and the interesting distinction you make. I appreciate your thoughts and totally agree.

Ethan Brown
Guest

Being Judgmental nature or not being one is up to one’s communicating area and once they enter the field of community, the respective rules are to be taught by the elders or parents, the elders ignorance causes the mishap of mis-understanding one’s thoughts and words which results in the separation between two or against the community.

Barbara Ruberto
Guest
Barbara Ruberto

Love this article, spot on! Your views and writings make me a deeper, caring, loving person. I take better care of myself, friends, and loved ones because you help me to be more aware, conscientious and present in my own life! Mahalo my dear.

Renee Wade
Guest

Thank You for reading Barbara 🙂

Damsel in Distress
Guest
Damsel in Distress

I had this problem with an older, very attractive female at work. I knew she had a thing for my husband and was jealous of me. She has been married four times and has had many other relationships that never last. She started working at the same store as me and from the start she had an attitude toward me. She would constantly watch me like she was judging me. She acted really snobby, like she was better than me. She would try to act smarter than me, and like she was an authority over me in front of customers.… Read more »

Renee Wade
Guest

This is just a wonderful comment and story. Thank You!

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