How to Open Up to Love – Learning to be Open

How to Open Up to Love – Learning to be Open

Learning to be Open – How to Open Up to Love…

Most of us have at least small difficulties in opening up to people. Sometimes it can be hard to even know how to open up. But like many things in life, it’s hard, but it’s worth doing. In fact, the rewards can be astonishing.

This is one of the single mot important posts on this blog. Please give it the time and attention it deserves, because if you do not feel like you can open your heart, either to friends, family, but especially to a man (or your man, if you have one), then nothing else will fall in to place.

Admittedly, it may be harder for you to open your heart, body, mind and soul to a man than it is to open your heart to your children, your parents, close friends and family.

In your intimate relationship, it will always be harder. With your children, you have control (at least until a certain age). But in your intimate relationships, you have no control. You have influence at best. You also don’t have control when it comes to friends and family. But an intimate relationship is where ALL your fears come out. It is one of life’s biggest challenges. Probably the biggest. It depends on who you speak to.

Relationships magnify emotion. That’s why they can be so exhilarating, yet agonizing. Often at the same time. Oxy-moronic I know, but we all know that some of our happiest moments are also our most painful moments. (read my article about how to deal with loneliness)

The blockage from past hurts

Being open can be terrifying. If you have ever been hurt, and lost trust, then you may find it hard to open fully and to let a man full of direction enter you. Even if it has nothing to do with him.

Some women have been cheated on, on their husband had an affair. Perhaps a man has lied to you before. Perhaps you were assaulted or taken advantage of. Some women who have been raped by a man for example, obviously have trouble learning to trust a man again.

Sometimes, our relationship with our father affects our consequent tendency (or lack of tendency) to open up.  Our fathers are our first and earliest source of masculine energy, and often, if we are unable to trust our fathers, or are hurt by them, we tend to also lose trust in others. Especially men.

A mother, too, depending on how great a mother she is/was, can cause you to shut down, and close up. Our relationship with our parents is so important. It’s unfortunate that some parents actually cause their children more damage than good. (read my article about having too much baggage)

And if you lost trust with a parent, or a best friend, or a girlfriend or spouse, we can close up, and this tendency to close our hearts gathers momentum, so much so that we may even forget to know how or more importantly, the why, to open to a man.

This post is not about giving a man sex. It’s about giving to yourself. And to the people who mean the most to you. What is more important than our relationships??

The feminine either opens or it closes. It invites, or it shuts down.

Find a man who is worthy of your trust

Few men are truly worthy of your trust. Is he distracted by feminine radiance? Is he distracted, or taken off-course by YOUR feminine radiance and beauty? It’s fine for a man to appreciate feminine radiance, or just feminine energy in general, but by losing direction I mean; does he compromise his life direction and sense of purpose for feminine radiance and beauty? Is he easily ‘powerless’ to the charms of a feminine woman? Does he seek approval from the attention, love and acceptance of women? If he does, he is likely to cause you to trust him less. Not all the time, it all depends on the circumstances.

And it’s not so much about him getting distracted – it’s more that us women tend to intuitively not trust a man who seeks approval and validation from an attractive woman. Even if you want to trust him, it is against your intuition.

It’s fine for any of us to be grateful for, and enjoy, others appreciating us or praising us, but relying on it is a whole other world. Especially in a man’s case. The men who have lived and left a strong legacy, and who are trustworthy are the men who didn’t wait for the right time, the approval of the people around him, or women.

Given that few men are worthy of your full trust, when you DO find one, or if you DO already have one, it’s essential to feel it in your body, and know how to be open to him.

If you are not, you’ll just alienate yourself from him and the relationship. And as soon as a man feels a woman’s lack of trust in him, it changes the dynamics. It also affects attraction. The masculine has a very strong, and real need to be trusted.

If you don’t believe me, sign up to our email updates (via the little red box at the bottom of this post) and you’ll get access to a number of Free interviews with real men, where you’ll discover that the issues of trust (in them) is regularly mentioned.

The meaning of being open

To be truly feminine around a man who is worthy really means to open your heart in love to him even when you feel like closing it down. In many moments, this is going to be excruciatingly painful and scary. But to grow, this is necessary.

How to open up

So this all begs the question: HOW do I open my heart? How do I know how to open up?

Right now I want you to do this:

Feel what it would be like to open fully to a worthy man. How would you be breathing right now, moving right now, if your body was being entered by a man who is full of love for you? Where would your hands be? How would you stand? Or sit? What sounds would you be making? Where would you hold your arms, if you were to let a man of integrity enter in to you and to take you and love you beyond your wildest imagination?

To be loved as much as your heart’s deepest desire, you have to open yourself to love, and love in return. Open your heart even when your memories from the past guard you. There may have been many men who were not worthy of your trust.  But there will be one who is. And if you’re fortunate, you may have been able to trust all the men you have been with.

And every time you feel like closing down – yet feel your man’s longing for intimacy with you, his advances towards you – choose first to understand him. And then understand yourself, and realize your full capacity as a feminine woman to open fully and unguarded to him.

Again, it doesn’t have to be sex. But the more you open, and the more you are in sync with your man, the less you will want to resist him. IF he is worthy of you as a woman.

The greatest gift a woman can be given by a worthy man is to be polarized by his masculine energy of direction, integrity and passion. This makes it easy for you to go in to your feminine core again.

The problem is, that if you have a man who is more in his feminine, you’ll be depolarized, and you’ll be forced to find your way, and make your own direction. To lead yourself – and you’ll probably even find yourself leading the relationship. And the less loved and appreciated you feel, the more you’ll want to retreat; to close off your deepest source of love, and your deepest desire for love and intimacy.

And, I’m not going to lie, women are great leaders. Sometimes you’ll have to, even if and when it feels unnatural to you. If you’re a part of the corporate world, you’ll be doing it at work all day. But in relationship, you need to allow yourself to be polarized. See my post on depolarization to learn more.

The less you feel a man’s direction, the more you’ll want to do your best to lead yourself. And him. And everything else :) This is the exact position many women are in today. But by opening, by being inviting, you’ll invite and encourage more of his presence and masculinity.

And in turn, feel your own freedom.

It’s always your choice

Being open is not just physical. It’s a spiritual thing. And to be spiritually open, you must first choose to. In any given moment, it is your choice. Your loss or your gain. And, if you are in a habit of closing down; if you are really good at closing down, chances are, you won’t open up. You’re probably too used to shutting down. It’s become a habit that is ingrained in to your body. But this is your challenge. You CAN open up, you just have to lead yourself, and not wait for the ‘right’ moment!! There IS no right moment! Only now.

To know the value of opening up to intimacy, trust and love, you have to focus on the positives of actually BEING open. Focus – visually, emotionally, mentally – on WHATEVER it takes to make you associate more PLEASURE with opening up than PAIN.

Strong intimate relationships are built when both man and woman are able to open up. And be vulnerable.

Advanced steps for an open woman

Ask yourself these questions:

1) What is my decision not to open up costing me right NOW?

2) What is my lack of openness costing my relationship?

3) What has my refusal to open up cost me in the PAST?

4) What is something  positive about my refusal to open up in the past? In what ways has this served me well?

for example: was your decision not to open up actually a way of caring for others? Were you trying to not burden others with your full self; raw emotions and all? Did it protect you from someone who severely abused you?

5) Now focus on the positives of your lack of openness, and apply this positive aspect to your decision to BE open instead. For example, you can, conversely,  show your care, trust and faith for others by being open. Especially your man. But you have to know this.

For example, if you didn’t open up in order to protect yourself from somebody who was hurting you – know that it’s OK to close up to those who aren’t worthy of your trust. But it’s your responsibility to open up to those who are worth it. You can still choose to close down to people who have bad intentions.

Know that, in the past, your tendency to not be open has served you well, in some ways. It has protected you in some way from something harmful. But mostly, you’ll find it has done your relationships more damage than good.

Do you have the courage and strength to open to your man; so as to allow him more incredible bliss, ecstasy and happiness than he has ever had the privilege to experience, by being with you?

You know men want more than just sex (yes, there are some men who want a lower level of sexual experience, and do it solely for the purpose of orgasm and physical pleasure. They can do it divorced from love. But most men want more than that). A man actually DOES want to experience deep connection with you. Make it true for yourself. Prove to yourself and others that it’s not just about the sex.

Intimacy between a man and a woman can lead to incredible healing. You deserve that, and so does your man. The dance of the yin and the yang – the masculine and the feminine – is such an enriching life experience. Most people who have felt real attraction know that nothing compares.

The challenge is to open further, when you feel the least loved. Not by taking bad treatment, but by giving more. The feminine has the most amazing capacity to open to, and give love. Use it. It is a gift to everybody.

More resources

When you’re alone, you can spend the time to work on yourself. It doesn’t have to take long. Put on some music that changes your state. Or meditate, if that’s your thing. See, I don’t use drugs or alcohol to feel something (we’re all doing something to get a feeling). I use music, video, and food (natural food). When I feel unhappy or closed, and feel like retreating but know it’s not serving me or my relationships, I listen to soulful music that drowns my body in freedom, energy and happiness. :)

Enigma and Era are musical geniuses that are sure to have something in store for you. Their music is the best I know for bringing you to freedom and openness.  Take these two music videos for example. You can dance to it, open your arms, smile, sway, and just enjoy it.

You can just try any music you know will inspire you. But not cause you to wallow in depression, but music that inspires you to be free and open. There’s plenty of music out there. You know what works for you. :)

You don’t want to listen to any ‘cut your wrists’ songs though.

What do you think about this post? Feel free to leave a comment if you haven’t said hi yet, I love hearing from you! Have you got any advice for women who are struggling to be open again after being hurt? Do you think there are positives to being open?

Renee The Founder of The Feminine Woman

56 Comments

  • kira

    Reply Reply March 3, 2014

    There’s this guy that I work with that I think is trying to get to know me. I can feel him gravitating toward me but I can also feel my resistance. It’s a slight tug. I want to turn away and hide from him but at the same time, I really don’t. Especially when his hand ‘accidentally’ brushes mine which I think is no accident. It sort of relaxes me makes me feel okay and grounded. But when he comes too close, or really when any man comes too close, I feel a mild panic bubbling under the surface and I bee line for the nearest escape route or if I can’t my body will stiffen my breath will shallow and I’ll feel really uncomfortable and awkward. And all I can think is please step away.

    So lately I’ve been practicing with this. Seeing how long I can handle being next to different men and working with them. Some men are more difficult than others for me. Some of them are easy but I still feel somewhat skittish with all of them. But I feel like I’m making progress and I can even smile at men I don’t know sometimes. ;)

  • Laura

    Reply Reply February 8, 2014

    After reading this article, I hear what is telling us to do as women. But, I think I open up too fast to a man, and give way too much. In giving too much, they retreat and ultimately leave. So, my question is how do you remain open without giving too much?

    • Joan

      Reply Reply February 8, 2014

      Maybe they are not worthy of you. And need to leave your life. You are a woman, and your openness is worth a lot to the strong masculine man who can take it.

      Don’t stop being yourself.

      Years ago, I was on a dating site and my first date with a man was to go to see the movie Soul Surfer, I cried so much and spilled my drink and there was popcorn all over the place. That poor girl in the movie, I was so upset.

      I thought the man would run for his life.

      Not so, after the poetry and flowers, I was the one who decided to move on and date more men. :)

      If it’s you, its you.

  • Joan

    Reply Reply January 30, 2014

    Just be open. That’s all I can say. I mean I have had my trust broken many times, and my thoughts are not right. I don’t trust and its no ones job to help me with that. Just believe even in a higher power than yourself. Go for the gold, even if it pains you, test your thoughts and see if they are right.

    The girl in the picture has it right. I picture her scared all the while too. It helps. :)

  • tower

    Reply Reply November 9, 2013

    Could somebody tell me, if open up means to tell a man what you feel about him? I think I messed up with my man I geniunly liked, I told him how I felt and he reciprocated in a very masculine way. But than, he began acting distant, didn’t answer my texts abd calls, and when eventually had very intimate talk, I told him that I don’t trust him so much yet. After this he got more distant and then broke up with me and blocked my number. He said he is sorry, it;s not my fault and then he texted me that he is an old idiot. Now it’s been three months, I still thinking of him and he still ignores me. Do you think it will be attractive if I try to contact him again, telling that I still care? I know that there more guys outside but this one is special, I am not sure I will be able to feel that kind of love towards someone else.

    • My2c

      Reply Reply March 2, 2014

      I wouldn’t. If he feels unworthy of you he may think you are low value if you chase him.

      But it all depends on the context.

      You definitely should be dating again after three months. If nothing else then to put that ex in perspective don’t build him a pedestal.

  • Kathy

    Reply Reply October 26, 2013

    Hey Renee,

    I really appreciate this article. I have been with a man for 2 years now and I still can no open up entirely. I have really pushed myself and I have been open at times. The problem is that when I am open, sometimes it feels insanely painful because I do not actually feel loved. My boyfriend had a really rough upbringing and his family does not express love much at all. I have had a hard time trusting him the entire way through. He is a good guy but he is inconsistent. I just feel like I have teared myself open again and again and each time I feel very alone. I don’t know what to do because I do care about him but I am definitely shutting down and he does not seem to notice. I know he cares about me but he is so distracted by life that it seems like he doesn’t even notice me as a being sometimes. I feel like I usually have to defend myself because he does not try to understand my fears, he just gets angry. I realize it has been tough because I have struggled so much being open. I just don’t know if I should end it and try to work on myself a whole lot or try to be open to him still.

    Thanks Renee :) I admire your work and philosophy :)

  • Rachel

    Reply Reply October 6, 2013

    Renee,
    I stumbled across your website while searching for ‘being mysterious’ lol. Much to my delight, you have so many more articles on here!!! I have literally spent my weekend just pouring over all of this. Its simply amazing stuff here. I just wanted you to know the impact that your work has. I am blessed to have an incredible man, and I always want to treat him the way he deserves. Being open is my hardest challenge, coming from an abusive past. I feel as if your advice and well written articles have given me tools I didn’t have. And Im so excited to try them out. Thank you so very much :)

  • jacoby

    Reply Reply September 26, 2013

    I have been with my husband for 7 years, we we’re married last year. I know I have found someone that I trust, and who deserves to be loved by me. My childhood was rough, my father was an alcoholic and at the best times nasty and mean. I feel guilty for holding my husband hostage in our relationship. I know he is perfect for me, but I can’t open my heart and soul to him. If there was a button I could push to change my heart and open the gates- I would do it in a second.

    I’ve told him how I feel before, but throughout the years slowly it has taken a toll. He has decided we need to separate and in doing so maybe I can focus on myself and figure out what I want.

    I just want to be happy, and feel good about my marriage and feel like I can give my husband the love he deserves.

    Please help, I’d appreciate any advice or your thoughts on this.

    Thank you!

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply September 26, 2013

      Hi Jacoby,
      I feel that the more you pressure yourself to open up, the more difficult it will be for you. I know it might seem scary that your husband has separated from you, but it could be a good thing! First I would Lay down the ground rules with him about what the separation means and what it does not. Then, with his blessing, and after acknowledging that you love him & his time is spent for self discovery you can go on your path.
      And from here, I would start by going to whatever interests you, and exploring. If you see a flyer for a pottery class, I would try it out if it interests you. No excuses! Even if you have to go alone, explore!! The key to being open, I think, is exploration, opening your mind to new things. Then your soul will follow. You are doing great,, just relax & let go & See Where this Will take you!

  • Dusty

    Reply Reply September 18, 2013

    Hi,
    A response from a man here. I’ll try not to make it too long.

    Married 13 years. Amazing connection, love and wonderfully connected sex for the first 9-10 years but I was the typical clueless man. I took my amazing wife for granted, she fell in love with someone else several years ago and we have been in trouble ever since.

    About 2 years ago I devoted myself to finding out why this happened and it has been a life changing experience. I am now the man, husband and father I always dreamed I would be but I also know that I will never stop improving.

    My wife and I have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since Jan 2012 and the divorce papers are filed. The 6 month waiting period is up in October and if she wants to end it she can sign them on her own.

    I have decided to love as unconditionally as possible since we sent the papers in and it has done amazing things. We have not gotten along this well or been this close in years yet there is still a block.

    There is no physical intimacy and I feel like I am not able to lead her to feel like she can be open with me again. And NO, I am not just talking about sex. I understand that even if she felt like she could trust me enough to be open, sex would still probably take a while and I am OK with that.

    So, any suggestions from you incredible women on how I can allow her to feel that she can be open? I don’t want to force it, I know it needs to come from her, but I am just looking for a little advice.

    Thanks!

    • Anna

      Reply Reply September 18, 2013

      Hi Dusty, I read your post and it compelled me to respond because I feel you. Right now I’m on the other side – I can possibly feel how your wife feels. Maybe it would help to see it pour out from an open woman on her side. My man has started a new business, and is constantly starting businesses, and although I love that, I feel he takes me for granted so many times while he works on his business: he checks email when we see each other, which is not that often that we see each other. He doesn’t respond to my emails or texts which are not emergencies or when he’s working (which is all the time). Those emails & texts is me REACHING OUT TO HIM TO CONNECT. And it hurts. It hurts a lot when he doesn’t give me the attention & connection I NEED from him. Lately I’ve felt it possible to fall in love with someone else, because I’m forced to find connection outside of the relationship. I’m going to tell you something I never told anyone. My old school collegue took me out to dinner one night, and he’d just got off work so he was in a suit, and he picked the nicest restaurant in the city, and he spent only an hour LISTENING to me… with his FULL ATTENTION. I could feel it. He was really listening. And in that moment I felt more loved than I felt in a long time. And I cried, because I wanted it to be my man, and I wished he could be there instead, dressed in a suit, taking me out, escorting me to my door. You don’t know how horrible I felt that night. This man had no idea what he was doing. He was just enjoying my company outside of work. Now I didn’t want to fall in love with him, so it didn’t happen. But imagine if it was this easy, how easy was it for your wife to fall in love with someone else. I’m so glad that you had 9 years of great sex and a great marriage, and I’m even happier that you figured this out and changed yourself. I only wish my man would do this. It’s been so long since he’s given me his full attention and presence. I’m glad you started loving her unconditionally. I think, that you must have taken her for granted for a very long time, so that there are deep scars of resentment there that is causing her not to trust you completely again. taking a woman for granted really hurts her. And she doesn’t want to get hurt again. You know this. What she needs to be completely open, I think, is to eliminate this fear. How can we get her to eliminate this fear and be completely open? I can think of 2 ways.
      1) Eliminate this fear by substituting another fear. In this way, I’d take her on an adrenaline focused activity like skydiving, on a rollercoaster, bungee-jumping together. I went on a rollercoaster with my man’s cousin last weekend. It scared me SO much. But it bonded us together. I wished my man would have been there too. But alas, he was away on a work trip (big surprise). So use that to bond her to you. THink about it… if a zombie appocolypse occurred, would she want you by her side? Would that solidify her feelings for you & at least get her to reconsider her divorce decision? Take her, really TAKE her, and make her see this somehow. I saw it when I took the 16 year old cousin to see a Zombie movie and I thought… man, I picked the right guy. All I want is him. I can count on him to protect me from getting hurt. She needs to see that from you.
      2) How to get her completely open? Well I think she has to focus her thoughts and words on the good sides of you and not the bad sides (like all her memories of you taking her for granted). I was with a girlfriend who just went through a break up. She would constantly tell herself all the things she hated about her ex, so that she would fall out of love with him. I strongly believe that this is what causes people to fall out of love. When I started to tell myself how my man neglects me, after a few months, I could feel myself falling out of love with him. But I know that I need to tell myself how much he cares about me and loves me and works hard to get myself to fall back in lvoe with him. So just make sure she has a lot of positive experiences and memories with you.
      As for the divorce papers…. what I would do, or what I would want as a woman… is you to tell her not to sign them. If she loves no one else, this would be easy. But if she loves someone else, this is harder. But I would take charge and tell her that you want to be her man, her husband and assure her that you will not take her for granted like that again. Good luck to you. I wish you could telepath some of your growth & knowledge to my man. I wish more than anything.

      • Dusty

        Reply Reply September 19, 2013

        Hello Anna,
        Thank you so much for your kind reply. Though I take 100% responsibility for how my behavior led to the pain, hurt and destruction of our relationship, I also know I wasn’t alone.

        My wife has exhibited many of the little girl behaviors described in another of Renee’s excellent posts. I only say that because it seems to me as if your man has not seen any issues on his side whereas I have dedicated almost all my free time over the past 2.5 years to learning about what I did, I belong to a support group for men who take responsibility for one thing. Becoming men.

        What I think makes most sense is when you talk about how she will never allow herself to be open to me again if she keeps replaying the negative mind movies of me and us. She used to keep a journal and at one particularly low point, I read it and found every negative though imaginable about me written down. She told me that she was actually glad that I read it because she knew it was harming us but she also needed me to know that was what she was feeling. Reading those hurtful feelings didn’t make me mad at her, in fact, it was the single biggest catalyst I used for taking responsibility for how MY behavior could make her feel this way.

        I will not let her go without a fight. I will not sign the papers but I don’t need to for it to become final. I will tell her to not sign them when and if the time comes.

        We are close. I feel it, not just for her, but from her. But there is this final block and, well, as a goal driven man, I want to break through it so we can both have the warm, loving, passionate, intimate relationship we both deserve.

        I am just not sure how to break through the final barrier. Perhaps it is just patience and if she still decides to finalize the divorce I just have to come to grips that it was too little too late after too much pain. I write those words, but I do not believe them to be true. Not at all.

        I feel for you also Anna. I too wish I could telepath some of what I have learned to all men. In fact, I am developing a program where I am going to do just that. My purpose is to help men understand how to make their relationships amazing instead of waiting on their woman and blaming them when things fall apart.

        And though I feel this purpose and know what good I would do from it, I would never allow it to prevent me from appreciating, loving, wooing and chasing my wife again. I only hope I get the chance…

    • Anna

      Reply Reply September 18, 2013

      Some quotes that I think sum up your situation are:
      “A successful marriage requires that you fall in love many times… with the same person.” So, believe that she can fall in love with you again.
      “A relationship lasts because there is always at least one person fighting for it. If no one fights, it quietly dies.” Or something like that.

      • Dusty

        Reply Reply September 19, 2013

        Hi Again,
        I agree with your first quote. In fact, I believe and communicate that love is a verb. That we have to do love, not to feel love from the other person, but to feel love FOR the other person. David Deida describes this beautifully.

        We have spoken about this but she simply does not feel that she will ever have the attraction for me to be intimate. She told me a little while ago about feeling like a sibling towards me. I told her that attraction can come and go in a relationship but that if you refused to believe that it could be built again then it certainly would not work. I am a firm believer that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. A wise quote from another of my favorite teachers, Dr. Wayne Dyer.

        As for the second one, there is a ‘but’ to this. For a while I was fighting from a scared and needy position. I was afraid of losing her.

        Now I don’t WANT to lose her, but I also know that my happiness comes from only one source, me. An amazing relationship will of course enhance this happiness, but until I was able to feel happy about who I was, I was not able to fight for her because I WANTED her instead of fighting for her because I was afraid of losing her. A huge difference and since I have gotten there, I have seen significant progress in our relationship.

        Thanks again. I love my male brothers who have helped me so much, but it is refreshing to connect with like minded women as well! So glad I found this site!

  • Anais

    Reply Reply September 13, 2013

    Hmm I do discriminate with who I connect with to some degree. Some people just give a bad vibe to my intuition (which I trust a lot) so then I don’t bother to acknowledge them to protect myself. Or they just have too much negativity. But I wouldn’t judge them just because they’re overweight or over something superficial like that.

    I have trouble being vulnerable and showing others when I’m upset because it usually gets used against me, rather forming a deeper connection and gets shared with people who don’t need to know all my business and make judgments. And gossip constantly.

    The only person I can be totally open with is my mom because she’s only person I can fully trust, doesn’t take things for granted and she doesn’t judgement for my flaws like everyone else I’ve connected to does. And she values me for more than what I have “achieved”, my figure or that I’m financially stable. We also have our own inside jokes and I support her as well. I’m happy to have her in my life.

    People say “be yourself” and when I do it’s a “problem” because it doesn’t fit with how they think I should be. And if I make a mistake it’s a big deal. And whenever I do actually open up to a man they abandon me, or take advantage of me. I believe vulnerability is necessary for a good relationship so I don’t know why I only attract men who want to trample on it

    It’s really hard to retain a positive outlook when you suffer so much. I want a good man in my life but maybe I’m not meant for a relationship. I’m happy for women who do find that man but I’m just ready to give up on others. I care too much about my emotional well being to keep taking risks that don’t pay off and I might be happier alone.

  • Christine

    Reply Reply June 11, 2013

    I need some clarity around your first comments about not being able to trust a man who looks to women and femininity for validation. My boyfriend has been open about very much needing female approval in the past (and often was with women he wasn’t even attracted to to get that validation) and on some level that has made me unable to trust him when it comes to certain female friends (ironically, the ones he hasn’t actually been with sexually). However, he has a very powerful masculine energy and has caused me to become more feminine and vulnerable in our time together. Thoughts? How do I know if I can trust him given these somewhat conflicting signals?

  • Anna C

    Reply Reply May 30, 2013

    I’ve been practicing openness recently, by getting involved in dance, and by playing music around the house and getting in touch with my body movements… by working out in different ways.. by being present with people I interact with on a daily basis. I’ve noticed my relationship become considerably better. But I’ve also noticed that I’m attracting the attention of a lot of men… married men… they are flocking to me asking me to have lunch and trying to talk to me. They tell me their relationship problems… I have a feeling it’s because their wives do not seem happy at home, and I seem so light. I find this frightening sometimes, because I do not want to get close to anyone else but my man, and I find their attention uncomfortable, although they have not stepped over any lines. They just want to talk to me and listen to me and be in my company. But I do find this dangerous because I feel they find me attractive on some level. So I close up again, just a little to drive them away. It’s a struggle to stay open enough for my man but not for everyone else. This openness is a really powerful thing.

  • Allie

    Reply Reply May 21, 2013

    Last night my boyfriend of seven months started acting distant for no absolute reason.. When asking what was wrong he would keep saying nothing and nothing; everything was good. Of coarse it hurt me to see him upset and not be his usual happy self. Right before we went to sleep tears just started poring out if my eyes and I had no idea how to fix this problem… He asked if I was crying.. I lied and said no.. We were still laying there quietly , I’m crying and he is just laying there. After awhile he says.. I love you and your my everything but you have to open up to me, this is how I feel 90 percent of the time with you.. Your so distant and closed off.. I don’t feel like you trust me. I know nothing about you and yet you know everything about me, I need you to open up to me if you want this to work girl … I just sat there looking at him .. I felt like he was asking too much.. I had a horrific past and it’s hard for me to open to people.. I don’t know how to open to him.. I’ve never talked to anyone about my past… I hate people feeling sorry for me or watch me cry.. I hate feeling weak and having no control over myself. But I do love him, he’s about the only person whom I came close to loving.. It will break my heart if he leaves, please help me and tell me how to open my soul and my hart to the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with.

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply May 30, 2013

      Hi Allie.. it’s a really good sign your boyfriend gave you that verbal confirmation and is mature enough to appreciate openness and be able to handle it. It’s funny that you say he is being distant while he says that you are being distant yourself. From my experience, men will respond to your emotional state, so if you feel distant, then he will become distant. If you feel closed off, then he will feel judged and defensive. If you feel unhappy, then he will become cranky. Think about your life, now… how do you feel about it? Unhappy? Insecure? Unworthy? Then think about if you’ve been projecting these feelings onto your relationship, and closing yourself off to the world and him because of it. This is just one reason, of course he could be cranky because of something in his own life, but I’ve read that a man is a mirror of the woman – he reflects the emotions and feelings of the woman into his actions… if she is distant and closed, then he is distant and closed. If nothing new is going on in his life that’s causing his behavior, then assess your life…

      About how to be open… I’ve found that for me, it’s being completely present with everyone I talk to. Giving them my full attention. That means not thinking about what you are going to say next, but listening to him and trying to feel things from his/her perspective. NOT projecting your own feelings onto him. So #1 is BE PRESENT. #2 Is BREATHE. I’ve begun to realise how tense I am on a daily basis. Ever since getting about of bed, our bodies tense up. Check in and feel how tense you are on a regular basis. Just ask yourself: “Where am I tense?” Then relax it by breathing long deep breaths. If you feel tense while talking to someone, take deep breaths and tell yourself, “everything is ok, I can relax.” and #3: DANCE or SING or listen to MUSIC. Like what Renee said, put some music that inspires you on. I remember a long time ago, I used to be into the Colombian scene. Their music & dance made me feel free. So whenever I wanted to feel open, I’d play some Colombian music & feel it in my body how free I felt.. then I’d spend the night dancing to this music. I take dance lessons and the beat of the drums really helps me explore how far I can go. If I consciously tell myself to “let go” when I am dancing, I can access this openness. Because even when you dance, you can feel restricted and closed. I have to be consciously aware every time to let go. Because we fear people’s judgement when they watch us. That’s why I love dancing alone. Putting the music really loud. It makes me feel free. Find what makes *you* feel free, and consciously work on opening yourself and feeling everything you feel when you are doing it, and encouraging yourself to explore and open up as you do it. That’s what I did. It’s hard at first. But I hope I helped you find a way to do it.

    • Dusty

      Reply Reply September 19, 2013

      Allie,
      Your letter compelled me to respond from a male point of view.

      The single greatest gift women can give their men, in my opinion, is their openness as this article communicates. I do not know what hurts you have had in your past but you must come to not only know, but believe and really LIVE that there is no moment but the present.

      You can’t do anything to change what happened 5 minutes ago, let alone 5 or 10 years ago and refusing to be open to this man you have this connection to will only push him away.

      If he can be there for you, not try to fix things, not try to talk you out of feeling any differently, but really penetrate you with his presence, then this is the man you need to take a chance on opening up to.

      Sometimes it is a leap of faith you need to take. But, the faith you need, I feel, doesn’t seem to need to come in or from him. I think you need to find the faith in yourself that you deserve the wonderful relationship you can have by being the truly amazing feminine creature that God made you to be. With that, your man will be able to be your masculine rock and the comfort to be open will come, to and from both of you.

      I hope this helps. Good luck!

  • Shakyia

    Reply Reply May 3, 2013

    I have a hard time opening up and its costing me my husband. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to love him more but i dont know sometimes. But I dont want to lose him to another woman. I need help.

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply May 30, 2013

      Hi Shakyia –
      It can be really hard to know how to open up. For months, I’d read this article and not know what it is talking about. I didn’t know what to do. But then I discovered it: It’s doing what makes you feel free. Think about the last time you felt free and fearless and happy and in tune with the rest of the world. That time you felt no restrictions, and no judgements on you. A place where you didn’t restrict your actions; you just did what you felt. What were you doing? Who was with you? For me, it was dancing salsa at an outdoor Latin concert. Just dancing with everyone and feeling the music. So whenever I hear the salsa music, I feel free. And I had left dancing for a while, so I went back. THAT was my trigger: I asked myself: When was the last time I felt free? And I went and did that thing. But while you are doing that thing, you have to be CONSCIOUS and aware and PRESENT in the moment in order to let go. If opening up is hard for you, you have to tell yourself it’s ok to relax at first, and give yourself the encouragement to let go. But then it will become more natural and you can just feel. In my opinion the trick to being open is to be in the moment, and to feel free. Free to feel whatever you feel. Good luck with your husband.

  • Arabella

    Reply Reply February 17, 2013

    I have a hard time opening up because I’ve been hurt in the past and because I would rather deal with my pain on my own. Also because I felt like I was never enough no matter what I did. In some ways, being closed off helped me learn to maintain a clear head and to be observant of certain signs. But I also saw what happened when I did stay closed off. I pushed others away, my emotions came out in ugly ways, and missed out on so many things. Most of all, it resulted in me constantly staying in my past and never moving forward.
    To me, opening up means loving and living life despite your past hurts and your insecurities. You become better and stronger instead of bitter and weak. I noticed that by opening up to those who care about me despite feeling the way I did I gave them a gift. By making them feel loved and better about themselves. Giving them good times. I still have to work on this in my relationships with men though lol.

  • stephanie

    Reply Reply January 24, 2013

    I do not know how to open up my heart, mind, body and soul or give it to a man. I want to open up but he wants to be so controlling

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply May 30, 2013

      Stephanie, my question to you is “are you sure he is being controlling?” or is he offering his masculine energy of directionality? Is he trying to offer his advice and guidance because he cares for you, or is he maliciously trying to control you for his own gain? I think the place his “controlling” behavior comes from matters. Openness comes from sitting there, in the moment, and feeling the feelings of the whole situation your are in right now from a new place of awareness. You can try to write down all your feelings when you start feeling tight about something. Write them all down and look up “negative feeling list” or “positive feeling list” on the internet to see if it captures some feelings you didn’t know you felt. Then if you do this regularly, you will become open to your man. Maybe you’ll start to see where this “controlling” nature comes from.

  • Sally

    Reply Reply January 18, 2013

    I shut down because I don’t want to be a burden to others especially my man because I care deeply about him. I’m a happy optimistic person who loves to see people smile even when I’m not all that happy. That’s why I close off when I’m upset and when he catches me upset, I pretend like nothings wrong because I don’t want to make him sad or worry. Now I know that by doing that, I am only pushing away my rock… I should have just let it out and show him that I am sad/upset and let him comfort me… I wonder whether or not it’s too late to open up to him when that incident as already happen? How can I open up to him more now? Do I admit to him that I want him here, that I am vulnerable, that I want to open to him??

  • Kira

    Reply Reply January 14, 2013

    The reason I shut down is because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that they’ll want too much. Want much more from me than I can give. And when somebody wants something, I feel pain, gut-wrenching pain and I feel like it’s going to tear me apart to give it to them and so I run. And then because of that, I feel unworthy of such a thing. And I don’t know how to turn this around.

  • Rochelle

    Reply Reply August 1, 2012

    Hi Renee, I enjoy reading your advice and I’m in the same state of confusion as Roxanne Wolfe who posted previously. I’ve always wondered exactly what does it mean to “open up”? Is it just sharing your feelings and showing trust? I see it in dating advice all the time and I’m not sure if I’m opening up when I date or not. Examples defining opening up without using the word “open” would help.

    Thanks!

    Rochelle

    • Samee

      Reply Reply August 2, 2012

      I wonder what ‘s “open up” in Reeny’s terms too. Please explain more clear.

  • Simi

    Reply Reply July 18, 2012

    The first song was beautiful, I see how you can find it opening, I felt it too. The name “Returning to Innocence” reminds me of children. A women’s openness is like a child’s openness to life? ^.^ also I’d like to ask from other articles–how does a woman be confident of herself and vulnerable…we’re all vulnerable :) Does it mean emotionally expressive and freedom to “feel” without shame? You’re so beautiful! And I love all your articles.
    -Sincerely,
    Simi
    Xoxo

  • Eva

    Reply Reply July 13, 2012

    HI Rene, first of all thank you for your blog. I was really lucky to find it as I didn’t have my mother to teach me how to be feminine, how to give love and how to love myself. But since I’ve been reading your e-mails and blog posts I am really improving. I have found a really good man, well, I can say I have never met a man like him before. I still remember the feeling when I saw him at first time. I knew I had to get to know him. By now we are good friends. We are both coming from a wounded past, but he is doing a great job too getting over his past. So even if I feel impatient sometimes as we are “only” friends, I do have a trust in him ( which is a strange but amazing feeling) and I know we, both of us, need this time to become a better person, to learn to love if we would like a real loving relationship. And more often I feel I am just simply happy that he is part of my life.
    Thank you for being you and thank you for changing my life for the better XXX

  • Jacqueline

    Reply Reply May 18, 2012

    Hi Renee…
    So loving, so inspiring. I only recently came across the concept of my feminine energy and spirit… Every time I look into it, read about it, absorb it, I feel and moved by the power of the energy and spirit in me…and what I feel is nothing but love, passion, strength and joy. Thank you for your writing and the songs. I love Return to Innocence and I haven’t listened to that song in years. This time, when I listened to this song, I closed my eyes and I truly felt moved by it, feeling the love, passion, strength and joy…I cried. It was a coming to the surface of all those things. I was not feeling too good about myself earlier this evening, because I gave myself – my love and support to a man, who doesn’t feel the same way about me. So I’d been feeling a bit empty and lost. I didn’t know how to get out of it… But I came across your website and so glad I did. I was able to feel good about the love and support that I gave, and leave it at that. And still, I felt all the love and passion within me so strong when I listened to that song. It’s potent stuff. When I think of my feminine spirit I feel so strong and so full, and I am no longer feeling empty and lost… Thank you again. (also for those other songs :))

    • Renee

      Reply Reply May 19, 2012

      Jacqueline, hi! Your comment moved me. Thanks for being an authentic expression of feminine energy. You’re really giving a rare and beautiful gift to yourself and to your loved ones. The universe will reward you and thank you for it.

  • Marilyn

    Reply Reply November 22, 2010

    I woke up at three something this morning and went straight to my computer to look for a good book on Amazon about learning to release my emotions. I’ve known for years that I have some type of blockage that keeps me from really trusting and letting people into me, but I have had no idea how to “undo” it all and what it looks like to “open up.” Does it mean laughing and playing more? Crying more?, etc, etc. I think I have more of an idea now, but I’ve got more to learn and realize. I didn’t find anything on Amazon so I started googling and found this site. I’ve only read this article so far, but what an answer to prayer it is for me. My search this morning came after a discussion with a guy I’ve been talking to a few weeks. He says he likes talking to me but feels like he is working very hard to get to know me. My walls have put many men in this position and I know I’ve missed out on some good ones because of my inability to open up – whatever exactly that is. I am 45, never married, and want to have a mutually deep connection with a man beyond my wildest dreams. I’ll keep reading and believe I will find the answers I need. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    • Flower

      Reply Reply August 12, 2012

      Wow, Marilyn, i really feel you. I have the same problem, and i really recently and slowly started learning that my really intense and passionate feelings are ok and i shouldn’t be ashamed of them. The hardest i guess is that i feel so cheesy and corny. But what i feel, i guess i’m realizing, is a special gift, not a burden.
      Anyway your comment really got to me so i and i appreciate it.

  • Roxanne Wolfe

    Reply Reply August 29, 2010

    Renee, I’m still not getting “how” to open up. It’s like saying, to open up, you have to be open. Defining a word by using it as a definition. It makes no sense to me. Are you saying that “opening up” is the equivalent of “trusting”? I trust my boyfriend. I trust my friend. But they tell me I’m not “opening up” to them. And I don’t understand.

  • P

    Reply Reply August 21, 2010

    i really like the child in us …
    i am forever thankful …

  • twinkle

    Reply Reply June 19, 2010

    Emily, I think you made yourself too available; you need to back off from him for a while, and maybe date other people (date) out,it might make him want you more. (my DAD gave me that advice since he’s a man)

  • Renee

    Reply Reply June 18, 2010

    @Sabrina: try these songs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APW_QwzGg2o http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMwBm1vjmzY

    Thanks also Sabrina for your kind words, you’re so lovely!

    @Emily: I will email you :)

  • Emily

    Reply Reply June 18, 2010

    Hi Renee! I love your and Melina’s website! I am 20, almost 21 years old, in love with a guy who I know is attracted to me but wants to be ‘just friends’.

    We have known each other for 9 months now and I just know he likes me but won’t admit it!

    Any way, I loved this article because opening up is something that I have a difficult time doing in my relationships, friendships and otherwise, and it has actually been something I have been working on for years, and more intensely recently. I sense a little synchronicity because this is something that I want to work on desperately.

    A way that helps me open up is bellydancing. I am such a shy, quiet person around men and others, and belly dancing just makes me feel free. I love bellydancing! I feel like it was a gift from the Universe or whatever to fully cultivate women’s femininity and sexuality. I know my feminine spirit is roused whenever I dance.

    It helps me open up because it makes me feel more like a woman, and more confident in my role as a woman. It makes me feel more confident in my body and in who I am.

    I do want to ask for some advice though about the guy I talked about earlier. I told him that I was attracted to him, but he then fired off the ‘just friends’ thing. We haven’t really talked too much since then (I told him in early May). How do I talk to him now? How do I approach him?

    Thanks

    Emily

  • Sabrina

    Reply Reply June 17, 2010

    Hi Renee

    First, I would like to say how lucky I feel to have found your website. I have been working on myself for 10 years now ( I am 30) and I recently realized that the inner balance that I tried to create for so many years was inherently linked to my ability to accept and even worship my feminity. And you are helping me a lot to do so. Thank you. I particularly loved the 2 songs that you posted that had a huge impact on me to allow me be “intimate with myself and love myself as a woman”. Might sound weird but in other words, it helped me feeling the greatness of being a woman by inspiring me. I was wondering if there were other similar songs that you could advise and they will definitely help me further in this self realization. I also realized that embracing my feminity will now help me choose the right man and being relaxed and not fall in the trap of neediness and insecurity any more. As whenever I was with a man, I was relying on him to give me the love I couldn’t give myself and you have just helped to make this breakthrough. Thank you.

  • sharon

    Reply Reply June 15, 2010

    HI Renee I must say that this post has caused a rift between myself and a friend. Or rather, it brought things to a head. Basically it showed that she isn’t able to open up her heart to her husband, whom she is having problems with, and is staying with him because he has health problems.

  • Renee

    Reply Reply June 14, 2010

    Thanks Sharon! I agree with you about the intuition. :)

    @Jennifer: David says to be inviting is a woman wanting to attract. I say it’s about a woman being open to a man’s masculine energy. And not rejecting it. Similar kind of thing ;)

    @JP: Yes, I know the situation you’re in. It’s just a habit that’s ingrained in to you. When you notice yourself going there, make a quick adjustment.

    And, as for your question about being more present so you can be more open – being present is about seeing things from the other person’s perspective. Actually feeling them. Going IN to them, if that makes sense.

    This is also something I will address in more detail in ‘Attraction Control’. Thanks again for your support and kind words, JP. :)

  • JP

    Reply Reply June 14, 2010

    I think that being open is very difficult for almost everyone. I think one thing that happens to me a lot when I close myself off is lack of presence. Its almost like I check out, and Im afraid to just be myself and live in the present moment with that person. No relationship grows that way, but I dont know how to stop it sometimes (Im not like that all of the time), it just seems easier. Are there ways to be more present that can help you be open? Are you going to write on the subject of presence? I know you’ve mentioned it in other posts.

  • Jennifer

    Reply Reply June 14, 2010

    Hey Renee – us girls here were wondering what David thinks that “being inviting” is. You say that in this wondefual article. (a sisterhood gathering giggle, cackle and so on)

  • sharon

    Reply Reply June 13, 2010

    HI Renee I must say that this subject has sparked off some very interesting ideas between a friend and I. This article was well-written, and yes, a good way for women to know who to trust in the right manner, is to develop, listen and trust in their intuition.

    By trusting and acting on your intuition, which is guidance from your Higher Power, you get the right answers to questions about men and life, and whether to trust a particular man or not.

  • Renee

    Reply Reply June 13, 2010

    @ Manda: It sounds like you have some great friends! :)

    @ Masaleen: I think that it would be nice living in a world where we could all trust each other….but then I wonder: isn’t it like if we lived in a world where everyone was happy?

    How would we know who is happier? I mean, then what would happen to contrast?

    -XxX-

  • Masaleen

    Reply Reply June 13, 2010

    Imagine living in a world where we can all completely trust each other…How easy it would be to be feminine, to love. For now, yes, it can be so hard to open up…but like you said, it’s so worth it. I know I really have to work on this. Thank you.

  • Manda

    Reply Reply June 13, 2010

    Beautiful post! It took some really good, honest friends to point out to me that the reason I was having trouble in relationships was because I was putting up this invisible wall around me that didn’t let men get close to me. I have been letting my current boyfriend get closer to me than almost anyone else in my life (and we haven’t had sex yet!) and this article serves to remind me that it is ok to be vulnerable with people you trust, and that letting your guard down is the only way to let true love blossom.

    Peace and love <3

  • Renee

    Reply Reply June 13, 2010

    @ Deborah: I LOVE people (and you) giving advice. The more great information, the better.

    Thanks Jennifer, Stefanie and Siena for your kindness. :)

  • Deborah

    Reply Reply June 13, 2010

    Renee, thank you again for a great, thought-provoking post. I will definitely be rereading this as it is something I am working on.

    For all you wonderful,feminine ladies out there — if this is too difficult for you to do, don’t be afraid to get help (therapy). It’s too important, and you don’t want to look back and regret the years you were afraid to let the love that was there in. I speak from experience. Thank God it’s never too late. (I hope you don’t mind me giving advice Renee.)

  • stefanie

    Reply Reply June 13, 2010

    Feels like you wrote this especially for me. How can you just reach out and point exactly right? Wow. I’m going to read this a few more times…
    Thank you.
    By the way, I do believe you, but I’ll put my email in the little box anyway just in case there’s some part of updates I’m not subscribed to yet =)

  • Siena

    Reply Reply June 13, 2010

    great post. this is something i’ve always had problems with. it’s not an easy thing to do, you’re right. but this post has helped me understand more about myself, and why i close down. and i think people need to hear it. thanks again. :)

  • Jennifer

    Reply Reply June 13, 2010

    So much truth here! Helped me identify how and why I have closed and more importantly how to get back into being open – but with the knowledge used correctly! Another wonderful article Renee – I also use your site and fragrant candles for this ! (I use love, passion and wellbeing fragrances for the soul and your articles for the mind, body and soul). Over this long weekend I have showed a dear friend – quite young – your site – between laughter, good red wine, getting our work done and life itself – where would we be without the ‘feminine’ movement? Keep up the amazing stuff – and Hi to that man of yours!

Leave A Response

* Denotes Required Field

Protected with IP Blacklist CloudIP Blacklist Cloud