So many well meaning people tell you: “don’t text him, and he will text you!”
This idea revolves around this basic premise:
That if you make yourself scarce, he will want you more. Simply through your absence, he will start to become curious and if with any luck, he’ll start to miss you.
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Don’t Text Him And He Will Text You Eventually: Is This True?
I completely understand the idea behind this. But it’s nonsense.
Because you know what’s scarce?
A size 12 left boot with thick leather insole from 1943 at the bottom of the mediterranean sea. But why is no one looking for it?
Because nobody cares about it or sees value in it.
You might be thinking to yourself: “but you’re taking it too literally.” or “you’re way overthinking this.”
Actually, not at all.
Consider this:
If something has no value to you, you won’t care about it, feel connected to it, yearn for it or work for it.
If you met a sex hungry, low IQ man who happened to be a homeless guy with a breath that smells like dead rabbit from 1872, and he decided to not text you to make you text him, would it make you want to text him?
Key word: want.
I don’t mean text him back out of guilt or pity.
I mean, would it make you want to text him back. Would you feel inspired and attracted to him enough to text him back?
The answer is pretty obvious. Yes?
So what are we getting at here?
We are establishing an important principle that will serve you in your love life for decades to come:
Value is where the real answer is.
If you are an intrinsically valuable woman who easily inspires emotional attraction and emotional connection in a man even over text, then he will perceive enough value in you to do most of the things you wish he would do.
Including texting you first.
Bottom line:
Listening to advice that is screaming: “don’t text him!” isn’t going to get you your most deeply desired results.
But what are the most deeply desired results?
If you’re like the majority of feminine women on earth, it’s a man to fall in love with you so that the texting relationship feels effortlessly reciprocal between you.
For more on that, see my article: How To Keep A Guy Interested through Text? (Don’t Make These 3 Common Mistakes!)
If He Doesn’t Initiate Text, Does That Mean He’s Not Into You?
…Or that you’re low value?
Not necessarily. A guy could be into you and not want to text you out of fear, nervousness or just because he’s being manipulative.
It’s rare, but it can happen.
The point is not that you’re low value if he doesn’t text you back, but rather, that if you believe in the advice that says “don’t text him” because you think that’s what will make him text you, you’re buying into a lie.
Why?
Because even if you have tried this on a guy before and you’ve found that it “works”, it doesn’t work because he is in love with you. It works for one or more of the following reasons:
- Because you drew him into a power struggle and he “gave in first”
- Because you confused him and made him want to text you just to figure out why you suddenly went quiet
- Because you created an empty push and pull dynamic
- Because he’s bored or desperate and has no other options
The point is, avoiding texting a guy because you want him to text you is an empty chase for power and control.
It’s not real value for anybody, and it certainly isn’t going to make you more high value as a woman.
You cannot try to exert control over the interactions with a guy and expect a man to fall in love with you.
Falling in love requires a playfulness and spontaneity that can only be achieved through:
- You showing up as a high value woman
- You both attuning to each other; and
- The use of playful banter (more on this shortly)
Not texting a guy in an attempt to get him to text you might give you the illusion of control, but it won’t raise your value.
Related reading: How to Pull Away to Make Him Want You: 5 Fail Proof Steps.
This idea that scarcity creates desire only works if what is scarce has value in the first place.
If you are a high value woman and you’re still making yourself scarce, or perhaps you have this rule that some women have like the 80/rule rule of contacting a man (the man must initiate 80% of the time while you initiate only 20% of the time), you will not actually increase your value even further to a man.
All you will communicate is:
- That your attention has gone elsewhere
- That you’re busy; or
- That you’re not interested.
So Here’s The Right Way On How To Text A Guy…
Use high value banter to test whether he’s willing to attune to you and engage in the conversation with you.
Banter is what helps you sort through the low quality men who aren’t serious.
It is also what will position you as a fascinating, high value woman to the quality men out there.
Specifically, the men who are securely attached and emotionally mature.
MORE: What Is Banter & How To Banter With Men To Build Attraction?
Why banter?
Because it’s based on playfulness, which is real value when it comes to relationships with guys.
Banter (specifically high value banter), is like a game of fun tennis. If it takes off, you know there’s a chance that you two could build upon this mutual attunement and romantic tension.
If instead you hit the ball and the guy doesn’t hit back, you might feel a little sad or confused, but in your confusion you may assume he was distracted and try again…
So you hit the ball again, and he still doesn’t hit back.
What does this mean? It means one of the following:
- He is unavailable
- He is insecurely attached and doesn’t feel secure enough to engage in banter with you; or
- He has no desire to attune to you (ie: he doesn’t want to connect nor get to know you), perhaps because he’s just looking for easy sex
Instead of saying to yourself don’t text him, say to yourself: if I initiate banter with a guy and he can’t reciprocate, that’s all the signs I will ever need to move on swiftly.
And once you’ve used high value banter to reach out to a guy and test his intent, then you can feel confident in this certainty, because you’ve got the objective results you needed.
No need to sit there and obsess over texting him or not texting him.
If you’d like to stand out from all the attractive women out there and effortlessly build emotional attraction with men, take our free class on high value banter here.
(My man David runs this free class and I highly recommend you listen to it.)
I Want To Text Him But I Know I Shouldn’t…
Do you find yourself thinking…”I want to text him but I know I shouldn’t?”
If you have already established through objective observation or your gut feeling that this guy is not into you, then you definitely shouldn’t text him.
If you’re thinking “I want to text him but know I shouldn’t” just because your girlfriends or some online advice is telling you that you should never text a man first, it’s time to rethink.
Because a man who’s fascinated by you and is feeling emotionally attracted to you will not mind you reaching out to text him. At all.
Unless of course you’re being overly annoying and are not taking the hint that right now is the wrong time.
That’s a sign that you’re out of attunement and need to recalibrate.
For more on this, see my article: Should I Text Him First Or Should I Wait? 5 Mistakes To AVOID.
Now:
There’s no shame in reaching out to a guy you already have mutual rapport and attraction with a playful, value-adding message.
(For examples of playful, value-adding text messages, see our FREE high value banter class here).
However, there is shame in texting him just to constantly take something from him.
If no one taught you that it’s annoying to constantly ask for something from someone, let me share that this behavior is the fastest way to repel someone.
No one wants to invest in a pest.
Most men will, however, want to invest in a woman who shows up high value.
For more on how to be a high value woman, see: 6 Traits Of A High Value Woman (& 3 Traits You Must AVOID).
Frequently Asked Questions
Does not texting a guy back make him want you more?
Only if he easily falls for mind games and manipulation. If he falls for mind games and manipulation, this does not mean he wants you.
It just means that he is succumbing to curiosity or your need for control.
The advice that says don’t text a guy isn’t based in playfulness, it’s based in manipulation and control, period.
So of course it won’t produce the authentic feeling of making a guy want you more!
The only thing that will make him want you more is if there was enough value to begin with. For example, when there’s enough emotional attraction and emotional connection in the relationship that he actually falls deeper and deeper in love with you.
Do our feminine energy quiz: how feminine am i really?
Will he care if I don’t text him?
Most men will not care if you don’t text them unless:
1: They’re in love with you already (Here are 5 unusual signs he’s madly in love with you).
2: They want something from you (like sex or validation) and it feels like these things are under threat of being taken away
How do I stop the urge to text him?
You don’t have to stop the urge to text him just for the sake of it, or just because everyone is telling you “don’t text him! He will text you back eventually!”
Only stop the urge to text him if he has not initiated the last two conversations, (and you’ve had to initiate the last two times).
The answer to how do I stop the urge to text him lies in you feeling into his lack of love, investment and romantic interest in you.
The more you sink into the reality of him not actually loving you, wanting you or giving a damn about you, the more it allows you the strength to stop texting him.
Because unless you’re extremely desperate, have insecure attachment patterns or a history of being abused, nobody – and I mean nobody – wants to reach out to someone who doesn’t value them, love them and want to hear from them!
On that note, would you like to find out whether you have insecure attachment? If you would, you can do my quiz below and find out:
Do the quiz: What is my attachment style?
Do guys worry when you don’t text back?
Yes if they’re invested in you. No if they are not invested in you.
If a guy is invested in you, he might worry about your whereabouts, safety and emotional state.
If a guy is not invested in you, he won’t even come close to worrying, he’ll forget about you and move on to the next girl.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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