Should I text him?
This is a common question we get in our facebook group. There’s nothing as frustrating as wondering whether you should take the risk of reaching out first.
What if you reach out and you’re rejected?
What if you don’t reach out and you regret it later on (especially if he’s a very shy guy who is high value but is just not skilled with women)?
I know you’re looking for some rules and guidance on whether you should text him right now but before we begin, something important needs to be said:
There’s no long term value in having rules on when to text or how much to text. I know this might sound outlandish, but consider this…
If you need rules on when to text a guy, then you’ll be wasting your valuable energy on the wrong thing.
The reason is because rules mess up your relationship with a man and diminish your authenticity.
Rules take you out of attunement with him, with the conversation and with your gut feelings.
Essentially, rules are for your own sense of control and safety, not for the relationship.
I’m not saying go ahead and text him right now because rules are bad.
I am saying that rules pull you out of real attunement with a man and with yourself.
And you can’t fall in love with a man (and he with you) unless there’s hyper-attunement.
In essence, your rules for how often you should initiate texting a guy will not serve you in love.
In this article I will go through the following:
- When rules can serve you
- The downside to texting rules and what you need to focus on instead
- The 5 common mistakes women make when figuring out whether they should text him first
- 3 common contexts in which women wonder “should I text him?” and guidance on whether you should text him. Including: if you’ve just exchanged numbers, you’ve just gone out on a date, or you’ve been ghosted by him
- And finally, we’ll answer some frequently asked questions
Rules As An Answer To “Should I Text Him First?”
In limited circumstances, rules could serve you.
They can serve you if you’re a woman who has no intuitive understanding of what boundaries are – either for yourself or for others.
And when you can’t read subtle feedback.
Alternatively stated, you’re so unattuned and insensitive to others that you don’t see, feel or hear a man’s “no”.
If this is you and you still need a strict answer to the conundrum “should I text him?” then here are the only 2 rules you need to stick to:
- Do not text him when he does not reciprocate
- Do not text him when he hasn’t contacted you in two weeks
Pretty self explanatory when you think about it, right?
By the way, would you like to learn the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say? CLICK Here to learn this one thing you can say.
The Downside To Texting Rules…
The trouble with rules is that (women especially) get so hooked on them that they start to trust the rules more than they trust moment to moment attunement and responsiveness.
You may say well, I’m not really emotionally aware enough to do that.
Or perhaps you may feel that you get too obsessed with a guy or too attached to a guy to trust your own attunement.
Perhaps you worry that you will over-do the texting and miss the cues to whether he’s truly investing in you or not.
And I understand.
But in those circumstances, the real focus needs to be on:
- Feeling through your emotions and de-stressing rather than focusing too hard on your goal (getting the man)
- Recalibrating yourself through connecting with nature; and/or
- Healing from insecure attachment or past trauma (if you’re unsure whether you’re securely attached or insecurely attached, you can take our women-specific quiz to find out!)
If you are feeling desperate for any reason, perhaps you’re lonely or lacking attention from men, here’s something to consider…
Rather than focusing on “should I text him first”, you’ll be much better off choosing to focus on nurturing yourself out of the state of desperation.
From this place, you will no longer be trying to control everything through having a list of texting rules.
So, if you’re feeling like you need to text a guy to try harder to “get” his interest and hook him, tell yourself this:
“Everything is ok. There is time and I will discover the right answer soon enough.”
On the topic of nurturing yourself, would you like to have the ability to “trade in” your anxiety and insecurities for self esteem, self worth and intrinsic confidence, so that no one will ever take you for granted & high value men will recognise you as an indispensable “keeper”?
We have something very special for you. CLICK here to learn about our “High Value Mindsets” course.
Don’t Make These 5 Mistakes When Texting A Guy
It’s easy to make mistakes when you’re just getting to know a guy, or when you’re not used to texting (and prefer calling on video chat).
It’s ok to make some mistakes here and there, as long as you receive the guy’s feedback with grace.
Forgive yourself if you’ve made any of these five mistakes, but moving forward, try not to make them again as they will lower your value to a man.
Mistake #1: Initiating More Than 70% Of The Conversations
This is chasing, and you should never chase a man.
It’s not too hard to see why this is a bad idea. If you initiate more than 7 out of 10 conversations, then you’re likely overinvested in the wrong man, and deeply unattuned to where he’s at.
In fact, you may not have considered where he’s at all.
This then makes you completely unaware of how your actions are affecting him.
(Unless of course, he’s your boyfriend or husband and you need to text in this manner because he needs your support during a hard time, or you have some common problems and interests that need to be discussed).
So why is it generally not ideal to initiate more than 70% of conversations?
Because this makes you look low value.
It usually says that you’re all about yourself and your own needs.
Sometimes guys need some space to solve problems, work things out or adjust to having you in their life, and that’s ok. (Here is how guys text when they like you!)
Even though you feel lonely, you can get through this and remember that there are plenty of things for you to do in this life that will fill you up as a feminine soul!
By the way, there are 7 common signs a woman is low value in the eyes of all men. Do you know what these 7 signs are and how to avoid them like the plague?
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
Mistake #2: Being Boring Over Text
Initiating with boring texts like “hi”, “hey”, “so what do you do for fun” or “what are you looking for” is a terrible mistake to make when texting a guy.
If you want to text him any of these boring things that even your pet cat could type on a phone, my suggestion is: don’t.
It doesn’t add any real value to the conversation and it doesn’t build emotional attraction or emotional connection, which are the only two important things to build if you really want the guy.
More on this in my article 3 Mistakes When Keeping A Guy Interested Through Text.
Are there any exceptions to this mistake?
Yes, there are. If you are already in a relationship with the guy and you’re texting these things to banter with him playfully, that’s more than ok.
I might text my husband “hi” as a joke or a form of role-playing banter, and it’s hilarious.
My husband already knows I wouldn’t text those things seriously, and that’s why it’s ok.
Mistake #3: Being Passive.
This falls into the category of popular dating advice to “lean back” to “fill up your life” and be more feminine and attractive to a man.
If you haven’t heard of this dating advice, it’s everywhere. Basically it tells you that you should let the man initiate most things (if not everything) because “he’s the man”.
As if being a man makes him less of a human somehow, and immune to the desire to know a woman is equally as invested in him as he is in her.
If you are going to be with a man long term, you’ll need to both be attuned to each other and willing to reach out to each other roughly equally.
I say roughly because sometimes, you may be initiating 60% – 100% or more of the conversations if there’s an urgent matter to communicate about, and sometimes he will be the one initiating that much.
However, if one of you is initiating more than 70% of the time all the time, it turns into a power trip and power trips won’t lead to any real connection, trust or attraction.
They just lead to more stress and less love.
Being passive and making a man initiate texting all the time is sometimes also encouraged by people because of one basic premise:
That if you don’t ever initiate texts you can achieve the goal of making yourself scarce.
And if you make yourself scarce, you can suddenly make him want you.
This concept has some fundamental errors. Using it can irreversibly ruin your chances with a high value man, and I explain exactly why that is in my article: Don’t Text Him And He Will Text You: True Or False?
So what should you do instead of being passive?
If you feel like you could initiate a text, then do it to add value and build emotional attraction.
The best way to do this is through high value banter. We have some free text examples of high value banter in our free banter class. CLICK Here to take the free banter class.
Here’s an example from our member Rachel of the type of playful, value-adding banter I am talking about (she is in the purple). And you can also see her commentary on how using the dark feminine art of high value banter has changed her dating life:
Mistake #4: Texting Just Because You Want To Take From Him
Quite simply, if you are texting a guy you are not in a relationship with him just to take something, then don’t.
You can only do this when you’ve already established trust and commitment in the relationship.
Additionally, when you start dating a guy, the beginning stages are all about establishing your value to each other.
If you try to skip that process and treat him like your generous, committed boyfriend before he trusts you enough to give that to you, then you will end up feeling more pain and regret later on.
Take your time, build the emotional attraction and emotional connection, because that’s where the real value lies for a woman.
Without high levels of emotional attraction and emotional connection, a man will never commit to a relationship with you.
#5: Having No Sense Of Playfulness In Your Texting
This kind of ties into not being boring, but there’s a different element to it:
Without playfulness, you cannot enjoy dating! You will hate the boring grind if you are online dating, and you will bring a lacklustre energy to your texting – with any guy!
You also won’t be able to inspire a man to fall in love with you, which is where the juice really is for you as a woman.
I get that your love life is a serious thing. But without playfulness, you cannot achieve your heart’s true objective: real love.
So lead with playfulness and watch your love life love you back for it.
You Just Exchanged Numbers
If you’re asking “should I text him” after recently meeting him and exchanging numbers, the answer is yes, you can text him if you want to.
But again, the caveat is that you have to lead with value. Don’t be annoying and try to take his attention or approval. Just be playful.
Many women are under the impression that it’s always bad to reach out to a guy, as it makes you low value, but that’s just not true.
If he’s rejecting you or not reciprocating and you keep pushing that would make you low value.
But the fact that you have the inclination to reach out first sometimes, even when you’re just starting to get to know each other, doesn’t make you low value.
Quite the contrary. It means you’re secure enough to reach out and connect.
Here’s a good example of a value-adding way to reach out to a guy you just met and exchanged numbers with (and how the guy was inspired tor reciprocate and continue the conversation momentum):
You’ve Already Been On A Date (And He Hasn’t Contacted You Since)
Whether you’ve been on a date and it’s been one day or 5 days since he contacted you, it’s not a bad thing to initiate. Unless you don’t want any more contact.
If you like the man and you want to make contact, feel free to, with one word of guidance: do it in a way that adds value.
For more on how to add value, see our article on How To Banter With Men To Build Attraction.
You’ve Been Ghosted By Him
If he’s ghosted you, again there is no strict rule. Some people say that you shouldn’t text someone if they’ve ghosted you, and I understand that. After all, you don’t want to rub salt in your own wound.
However, this is entirely up to you. If it has been less than two weeks and especially if it’s been a week or less, you can think about whether you want to risk reaching out.
I mean, if you otherwise had a great time with them and there was no abuse, you can reach out playfully (yes, with the intention to be playful).
Here’s an example of what one lady did in our member’s area (she is in the blue):
Final Words On “Should I Text Him?”
Try not to obsess over every little thing too much. You don’t want to trap yourself in an endless cycle of anxiety.
In fact, if you’re constantly asking ‘should I text him” for weeks or months on end, then perhaps it’s time to take a pause and ask yourself why.
Do you feel like this a lot because he’s not fully investing in you (and you know it deep down?)
Are you doing this because he causes you a lot of anxiety because he’s toxic?
Are you always asking whether you should text him because you’re still in the early stages and you’re still trying to establish trust, rapport and each other’s value?
Or are you always asking whether you should text him due to the fact that you don’t know how to spend your energy on anything other than worry?
In other words: you have an anxious attachment style (or even avoidant attachment style?)
Try to figure out the root cause of all your worrying, because once you reveal that root cause, you can adjust your texting habits according to reality.
For example, if you find that you’re a worry wart about texting or not in every relationship and are hyper vigilant over every possible threat, that’s a sign you have anxious attachment.
If that’s the case, then you need to heal that first.
Alternatively, if you are like this with just this guy, then it could be that he is not into you (or perhaps he has an avoidant attachment style!).
Regardless of the cause, if you’re questioning whether you should text him all the time, remember these two things:
- It’s ok to reach out, as long as your intentions are in the right place. You can do no wrong if you have the intent to add value and you receive his feedback gracefully.
- You cannot control everything. You can’t even if you tried.
In fact, that’s the point of this life and your relationships (to experience emotions more deeply and to magnify your vulnerability and hence, your joy).
If you could control everything and live by rules, relationships would lose all their beauty and value.
Go out there and never make any texting decisions from fear or desperation (unless you think this guy is about to hurt himself!)
Frequently Asked Questions
Do guys want you to text first?
Some guys have a rule that the woman should be completely passive.
Ie: he as a man should initiate absolutely every texting conversation and, well…everything else too.
These guys may also think they should pay for everything and always decide on where to go for a date.
That’s their call. But most guys really enjoy a woman initiating. Guys are human too and if all the initiating is on them 100%, it will feel “off” after a while.
Even the most masculine men like breathing room to relax and let the woman text a sweet message or suggest a lovely place to go on a date.
They like to know that you’re willing to invest in them and that you want to converse with them, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
So of course guys want you to text first – many of them! Regardless of whether they like you texting first or not, remember this is about you…
Are you really going to sit there and have a rule that says you can’t reach out first to any guy?
You should never text first because you’re desperate or very lonely. Because he will always feel that “push”, that low value energy, behind your texting.
But as a woman, you should have the capacity to add value by reaching out and bantering with a guy.
Because, remember: anything you want from a man is something you should be willing to offer him too.
Don’t expect all texting conversations to be initiated by him – only desperate guys will fall for that expectation and rule from women!
Should I text him if I haven’t heard from him in a week?
A week feels like a long time for you I know, but we have to consider the context.
In most cases, I feel like a week is too long for a guy not to text you.
Yet in the world of some men, a week really is not that long, especially if he’s grieving something.
A week is also not going to feel too long for some high performing men, and men who may have been through a divorce or have lots of other obligations.
So there’s no harm in reaching out to text him after a week – but if it’s been two weeks, no, do not send a text! He is clearly not into you.
As usual, you’ll still have to feel it out a bit for yourself.
Ask yourself this: are you texting him from a place of fear or resentment?
If so, then there’s probably other things related to him that you haven’t fully accepted yet and need to grieve.
If you just want to connect with him and see if he’s ok, I think it is fine to send a text.
Furthermore, if you’re wanting to test how invested he is, that’s ok too.
See the text you send as a kind of test to see if he is willing to try to banter back with you (ie: connect with you), and whether he had room for you in his life.
If your goal is to test him, remember this isn’t a bad test – it’s not meant to be a manipulative text, but rather a playful, high value text.
As for what to text him, I have a secret two-word phrase you can text him. This is a text you can send that will capture his attention and show you’re high value…
CLICK here to discover the one thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!
When should you NOT text a guy?
When he is not reciprocating your texts or when he hasn’t contacted you in two weeks.
How long should I wait for him to text me before giving up?
If it’s been two weeks and he hasn’t texted you, that’s a sign that it’s over or that he’s not that into you.
Unless of course, he’s in the hospital with a grave illness, he’s serving in the military or something else that keeps him away for that long, or you’ve done something bad to hurt him and you need to say you’re sorry.
Should I text him after a month of not talking?
If he’s your ex, no. You broke up for a reason, right?
Unless you both know that you’re truly meant for each other, you shouldn’t text him after a month of not talking.
If you are just grieving the loss of him and cannot emotionally let go, remind yourself how far you’ve come.
If you give in to texting him because you’re too lonely, that will undo any bravery you’ve cultivated and any grieving you’ve already done.
Should I text him after no contact?
If you hurt your ex and you only want to say you’re sorry, sending a text would be ok.
But only if you just genuinely want to say sorry, because you want them to know that you care about disregarding their feelings through what you did, even if you don’t end up together.
This is for their closure and yours. And then leave it at that.
If your ex asked for the breakup, the right answer is just feel it out. Does your ex actually want to hear from you?
If not, then don’t text him! Let him have the breakup he desires.
As hard as it is, try not to be desperate. You will regret it later, and that will cause you even more pain (and possibly embarrassment) than being lonely will.
Instead, build your value and be that ex he regrets dumping.
If you were the one who broke up with him and you want to reach out, that’s ok. But only do it with the intent to build emotional attraction and emotional connection.
Don’t ever text an ex with the intention to take from them in some way. You HAVE to be there solely for the purpose of connecting and adding value.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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