There’s a lot of talk about how monogamy is unnatural and no longer ‘in’ in today’s society. A lot of people say that men are ‘hard-wired’ to spread their seed and to have sex with as many women as possible. The same goes for women. A lot of women think monogamy is not for them, and that it’s “unrealistic” for them to be in love with, and commit to, just one man for life. Not to mention that infidelity seems to be commonplace in today’s society. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

We’re not surprised that people think this way, but we do want to explore this topic further.

Men and hormones?

I once read this statement from an online website called ‘What Women Never Hear’ which is about what men really think of women:

“Men are designed by God, produced by Nature, and driven by hormones. And, that’s before they stop to think. Once old enough and they learn to pursue their self-interest, they do whatever the female gender requires for frequent and convenient access to sex.”

Pardon? ‘Once old enough and they learn to pursue their self-interest’ ? Babies are among the most selfish of all human beingsHave you ever seen a baby when it’s hungry or wants attention? It doesn’t care whether you are tired, hurt, angry, sad, depressed, ill or insane – it wants you to attend to it – and it wants you to do that NOW.

It’s when we get older that we’re conditioned to understand and consider OTHERS a bit more. I agree that most people are driven completely by their own needs and that they simply don’t care enough about other people. This however, has a lot to do with our level of consciousness. Most people live in survival and have NO IDEA how to really hold a relationship and not just hold it, but make it beautiful, loving and lasting.

One last thing about the above quoted paragraph: This statement is assuming that every man is egocentric. And it’s not true that all men will do whatever the female gender requires to get sex. Some men don’t want sex! In fact, there are many men who won’t in fact go out of their way to ‘do whatever the female gender requires’ in order to get sex. (read my article about when is the right time to sleep with a man?)

What about Hard-wiring??

Human beings are driven by EMOTION. Yes, we have hormones and yes, we have physical desires but emotion is what ultimately drives us. For example, what leads us to kill someone or to commit suicide? What leads us to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend? Not because we’d rather ‘make sticky’ with another woman or man!

There is no such thing as hard-wiring.

If you believe there’s such a thing as hard-wiring; then what is actually hardwired in to us? Procreation? Nursing ourselves if we get hurt? Staying away from physical injuries?

If you believed that, then how do you explain all those who self harm and take pleasure in it? What about our desire to be nourished? If you think that’s hard-wiring, then what do you think about anorexics who are put off at the thought of food and deprive themselves of it?

Hard-wiring is just an excuse. WE, as humans, have a tremendous ability to change and adapt to our environment. We can change our own biochemistry and hormones by what we think, believe and do. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Does monogamy = monotony?

Sure, monogamy equals monotony. If you’re boring, OR with a boring person. People just don’t realize that nobody has to expect to be bored after 10, 20, 30, 40, or even 200 years of being in the same relationship with the same person!!

Yes, one of the 6 human needs is variety. But this doesn’t mean we have to obtain variety in sleeping with all sorts of different people – it just means that the human nervous system needs variety. The FORM in which you need variety depends on your personal beliefs, values and needs. (read my article about how to make a man commit)

Boredom in having sex with the same person comes when one or both of you just don’t make an effort to constantly find new ways to fill up the other person, and to grow, contribute and give more to your spouse. Even then, some people just have the belief that being with one person is the most enriching, beautiful and fulfilling thing in their life! These people may not need as much effort put in to creating variety in their sex lives.

One important thing to remember is that the masculine energy needs uncertainty in intimacy. But that’s where all the flirtation, fun, and games come in to it. And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together with your man, if you’re an absolute goddess, and you fill him up and meet his needs, he’s not going to want to leave you. (read my article about why men go hot and cold)

So, Can you really expect a man to be monogamous?

The answer is yes, if you find a man with that type of value and belief system. But what is also important is that you find a man who is so certain, strong and confident that nothing will shake the foundation of his most important beliefs.

But – there is one important thing you need to know: human beings will violate their values and beliefs to meet their needs.

So what do you need to do? You need to care about your man enough to meet those needs, and to meet them at a consistently outstanding level. Not just when it’s easy. When it’s hard. It means little if you can care about someone else’s needs only when it’s easy. If you can do it when it’s hard, then you give yourself an opportunity to grow and become more, beyond what average women would do.

And in return, you reap the rewards of an amazing relationship!

And always remember these things:

– Don’t ever assume that all men are egocentric.

– Don’t always assume the worst. Trust him first.

– Start looking beyond yourself and IN TO your man’s deepest needs.

Don’t be fooled by this idea that you can never be in love with just one person for the rest of your life. Of course you can! No matter how real this idea of ‘true love doesn’t last’ seems to you, know that there are people in love, happy, monogamous and fulfilled right NOW.

If a man has in his belief system that he cannot be happy unless he sleeps with many women, then yes, you’ll be forcing him to do something that doesn’t ‘feel’ right to him by wanting him to be monogamous. And don’t kid yourself thinking that you’ll ‘change’ him. You should never try to change a man.

But also remember that belief systems can change. Most people have a whole lot of contradictions in their belief system. Just because a man doesn’t believe monogamy will make him happy doesn’t mean this belief won’t change. And, whilst you never should try to change a man, you can always plant ‘seeds’ and make suggestions or drop ideas and thoughts in conversation. Ultimately, if you want the best for the other person, there’s nothing wrong with making suggestions.

By the way, we’re not suggesting that everyone has to be monogamous. The purpose of this article is to shed some light on the idea that humans are not meant to be monogamous.

However, you as a woman can also inspire a man to become monogamous with you. This takes a lot more knowledge and advanced skills on your behalf in getting a man to commit.  I talk about this in my program Commitment Control 2.0, click here to learn how you can inspire your man to commit.

Regardless of what you choose to do, remember, exclusivity and commitment doesn’t always come smoothly or naturally, sometimes you have to step in and “inspire” it from a man!

email_polaroid

64
Leave a Reply

avatar
36 Comment threads
28 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
37 Comment authors
AdministratorsandreDanielle MccarterkojikikkawaA W Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
sandre
Guest
sandre

I like what you said about monogamy being monotonious, if you’re boring or with a boring person.

People change and evolve throughout their lives. Some more than others. This is why I personally feel that’s reason why many (not all!) young marriages often end in divorce – the couple has changed and grown apart. But two people who truly love and care about each other and are mature, will change, but they will be able to appreciate the change in themselves and their relationship, and their relationship will not grow stale.

kojikikkawa
Guest
kojikikkawa

to all the people who think and GENERALIZE that ALL MEN AND WOMEN are “wired” for sexual variety: you are all spouting nonsense like a broken record player the 21st century cliche: “all humans are wired for sexual variety!” what will be the 22nd century cliche I wonder? “all humans are wired for having sex with androids, face it!” sigh … There will always be a percentage of humans that are not wired for sexual variety In fact, some really do just want to be with one person their whole life and can’t imagine anyone else. Some do find a… Read more »

alam
Guest
alam

I am unmarried and have never been in a relationship and I assure myself that will continue till my life ends except with my wife.
And I believe there r a lot like me and most important is both men and women can commit an attempt unless they know it’s drawbacks.

We say men need thus they want different women, ok but men goes to women not animals, so women becomes the same.

stargazer
Guest
stargazer

i am a man having good job and i won’t brag but i look good!!!! I am monogamous more than the word monogamous itself and my dream was to fall in love with a single woman marry her and make her my world. Had a lot of crushes but i never brought the courage to tell them my feelings. Then i was approached by a girl and she said she liked me and i fell in love with her badly!!!! Made her my universe, my all, gave her the power of my happiness, my vulnerability. i shined more and more… Read more »

Jessica
Guest
Jessica

Hi stargazer. I read your post and wanted to say this: Don’t let that bad experience deter you from your goal of being married. Her cheating on you was not your fault. She was a season coming to teach you one thing and moving on. Always remember, some people come in your life for a lifetime; the majority come for a season. Forgive her and keep doing well. Your wife will come in due time. Don’t let that experience turn you into someone that you hate and are not.

Raygirl
Guest
Raygirl

For every bad apple, there is always a really good one. Just make sure that the next one has the same values as you. Don’t get with someone simply because you love them and they seem to love you. Start off slow and find someone who wants the same things out of life as you. Anyone can love you, but they may not be GOOD for you. I also learned that in my lifetime. You will find someone eventually. Its good to be cautious with you heart. But try not to be resentful of ALL women. Many women want a… Read more »

sandre
Guest
sandre

You sound like a wonderful man. Don’t let one bad person ruin the rest for you. But also look at your part in the situation. What did YOU do to cause the situation? This is not victim blaming – it’s looking at yourself objectively, pinpointing your flaws, and working on them to become a better person, both for yourself and others. Now, before everyone jumps on me, when I say “what did YOU do to cause the situation?” I am NOT suggesting that you weren’t good enough for her or kind enough to her. You WERE. Just too much. Just… Read more »

Seriously
Guest
Seriously

Many of us men Can be very faithful if we really did find the Right One.

Mystie
Guest
Mystie

Kathy, I am a woman and was married for 20 years. I had lots of fantasies about other men but never cheated.

Administrator
Guest

Mystie, do women like you still exist? when a woman cheats it really hurts and now days many of them cheat with silly selfish excuses.

Jessica
Guest
Jessica

The truth is no matter how hard you work at being faithful and monogamous, temptation will always come. Temptation is not wrong. YIELDING to temptation IS wrong. Temptation tests the strength of your resistance. If you don’t give into it, that’s good. If you do give into it, that can cause a lot of pain and suffering depending on what the situation was. People fantasize about being with different people. THe difference is will they act on it or keep it as a thought.

lindsay
Guest
lindsay

Wow! Thank you, so much for this. I have to admit, I am ruled so much by fear, that even opening this article gave me fear. But after reading it you surprise me so much! I was almost positive that you were going to say,” a man is going to be programed to want to have sex with many women, and that is normal”, and that I should just be okay with it. I literally found myself saying ,” oh my God thank you Jesus!” Haha. I found myself in a relationship of the father of both of my children.… Read more »

Kathy
Guest
Kathy

Hey Renee, Thanks so much for writing this article. There is so much stuff out there about how men will always want other women and how you can never feel completely safe. The advice then throws on the end “be confident.” I know men can be monogamous but I have a really difficult time when my boyfriend checks out other women. I know you say it is okay to notice feminine attributes and I agree. We are all going to find other people attractive. However, it feels like his body language changes when he sees an attractive woman. It just… Read more »

Kimberly
Guest
Kimberly

I do not believe in marriage since men are wired for sexual variety. All men constantly fight off the urges to sleep with other women after they have been with the same girl past the honeymoonstage of their relationship. I hate to be blunt and rude, but it is the truth and any woman who believes their man isnt like this is naiive. Some women still decide to marry after knowing this. But for me, the idea of being tied down to a guy and doing crap for him, while he is resenting only having me (despite maintaining my looks… Read more »

Kathy
Guest
Kathy

Not all men want to cheat, just how not all women want to cheat. If you read that off some blog somewhere on the internet, I feel your pain. I did a lot of reading online trying to find answers but that blog could have been written by a man who does not want a relationship or maybe he was even deeply hurt as a child or in a relationship. Just because there are theories bopping around out there that state that men look for sexual variety because they evolved that way, firstly that very belief could be taken out… Read more »

Jan
Guest
Jan

I’m a man and married with my wife for more than 3 years now. She is young and attractive – I’m six years older. I have never cheated. Nevertheless believe me that this is becoming an issue – in fact I suppose the most important one in my life and the tension arises. I am not being satisfied and it’s not because she does not want to have sex. She has now greater sex drive than mine. I just feel like I was wired to serach for different women – even if they were less attractive. I can even imagine… Read more »

Raygirl
Guest
Raygirl

lol Trust me your wife is probably feeling the same need for a variety of partners too. Men AND women have the urge for a variety of different partners. Yet, women have been socially ingrained that they SHOULD be loyal, ever since Hammurabi’s Laws that would threaten women with death if they cheated (surprisingly men did not have this same law) :/ But as you can see, female animals are no more loyal than many male animals. Human women have simply been trained that sex can be dangerous for them. And so they search for a loyal man who will… Read more »

Jan
Guest
Jan

hi, thanks for the reply. I’ve already forgotten I’ve ever written this comment. Now I see it was 5 months ago and see now it has really gotten better. I wrote that I felt like I was wired to think about sex with other women and now having largely solved the issue and gathered the experience I can say that it really was the case. I like your comment very much and it is true in my experience as well. Now I’m convinced that it is mainly mental thing and this is encouraged by the environment, media, pop culture and… Read more »

Raygirl
Guest
Raygirl

Ah, I see. 🙂 Awesome. I also had to realize the very same thing. I also used to think I was wired to want sex or that I was different from other women. But we live and learn, don’t we? Have a good new year! 😀

tinkgrrrbell
Guest
tinkgrrrbell

Really? I can’t fathom believing a stereotype that all men are the same. My husband’s sex drive is lower than mine, and he’s had less sexual partners in the past than I have. His friends teased him for not cheating on his high school gf with her attractive friend who tried to seduce him and even snuck into his sleeping bag nude once. Cheating turns him off, and no matter how much other male “friends” have mocked him for it, he has no interest in it. Please take the time to get to know different types of people before lumping… Read more »

Colonel Muppet
Guest
Colonel Muppet

You never mentioned whether he was happy though. Maybe he is too ugly or not rich enough to indulge himself? Some guys give up once they find a partner. As regards his sex drive most people are bored within a couple of years with sex with their partner. Studies also show that more creative men, more handsome men, wealthier men enjoy more frequent sex and with a wider variety of partners. All men I know in marriages or LT relationships, would love the opportunity to have sex with someone else if it was gteed that their partner would never find… Read more »

Raygirl
Guest
Raygirl

My male friend (close friend of mine) is against cheating. His wife cheated on him for 10 years while he was working. He’s never cheated on her and never had a need to do so. He also has a low sex drive and told his new wife that he doesn’t have a need for. And TRUST ME he makes good money. In fact, he made a video about how it is BS that men can’t be loyal and that it is BS that all men want variety. In fact, as I type this he is telling me that when men… Read more »

farah
Guest
farah

Funny most cheating around me were from women

Holly
Guest
Holly

Women’s intuition springs to mind. My theory is that if I can imagine a man would cheat, then their is a possibility that my subconscious mind has calculated the out come. Of course anyone can cheat in a relationship, that’s just a risk worth taking for a good relationship a ect. It’s sheathed or not I could imagine someone cheating. A good example would be a man I saw working in my local, public library. Could I imagine him going out of his way to cheat on someone, the answer is NO!! I already know for sure that their are… Read more »

bijan
Guest
bijan

In addition you must know monogony concept was brought by men for men not to protect women.It was not about being with one woman.it was about not being responsible for more than one woman whom the man recognized socially as his wife Modern society is not only stripping every right of men in name of fininusm and equality is now by people like you trying to shove a big lie about very truth of mans biology into our heads.Some people are even fooled to believe god and religions advice monogomy that is another huge lie.Non of people who put bible… Read more »

bijan
Guest
bijan

You my friend are reflecting feminist movements idiology. Your comments are contrary to every real sientofic study.What ever time we live in and how educated or advanced we might be salt still tastes as it did million years ago.That’s biology and nature.Male humman is not designed to be monogomist at least not monogomist and happy at the same time. It was imposed on men at roman time that’s where we inherited the word romance Study before brain washing people

geese
Guest
geese

Hi Kathy — the answer to must all men cheat is “no, not all men are the same”. We are only really as likely to cheat as women. Afterall, in many cases, a woman who would sleep with a man with a wife/girlfriend would cheat on her husband/girlfriend. In fact when I was a single man, I was constantly with women I eventually found out were either married or in a committed relationship. Many more I found out months after that they were in relationships and just fooling around with me. I was young rich, ridiculously fit and single –… Read more »

Raygirl
Guest
Raygirl

You’re just like my male friend. I hate to say it, but I’m a woman…and I am one of those women that find it hard to be faithful. 😛 But I think I can be monogamous if I can find a guy that is willing to have a good time.

Kathy
Guest
Kathy

This the hardest things for me with men. Im so afraid that men will always want other women. Renee, how loyal can you expect a man to be? Even if he doesnt cheat do you p
think all men fantasize about other women?

Colonel Muppet
Guest
Colonel Muppet

What scares you? The loss of him emotionally or sexually? In most cases women worry about the emotional loss. This is a huge error of thinking, since women equivolate sexual fidelity with emotional commitment. Yet, it is well established that men’s sex drives are much higher than women’s over the course of a lifetime. Women find it harder to both participate in or understand recreational sex. Most men like an emotional sole companion yet at the same time they want extradyadic sex for fun too. No one can expect a partner to fully satisfy them: yet these are myths continuously… Read more »

Raygirl
Guest
Raygirl

If you think about it, men don’t like the idea of women cheating on them…even if they are cheaters. Why is that? Because NO ONE likes to feel like they are less desirable. Men nor women. And when someone cheats on you, it means that the other doesn’t mean that much to them. Sure people can have sex with people that don’t love, and there are people that do not have sex with people they love. But the basis of getting in a relationship with another is because of sexual desire. If love was the only thing women or men… Read more »

A W
Guest
A W

When you think about it though, sexual fidelity is tied to emotional commitment because when people cheat, they’re trying to fulfil an emotional need and not just a physical one. Maybe they’re feeling bored, frustrated or depressed in their relationships but either way, they’re feeling some emotion which drives them. Emotions make us impulsive, rationality divorced from emotion makes us cautious. Is it really well-established that men’s sex drives are higher than women’s over a lifetime? Because the way I see it today, women are just as sexually active as men, sometimes even more so. The only difference is that… Read more »

Rob
Guest
Rob

wow. I wish all women thought like you. most men would be faithful, if their wives weren’t so stupid when it comes to sex.

Jackie
Guest
Jackie

interesting article..but I’d like to comment on the opening line “There’s a lot of talk about how monogamy is unnatural and no longer ‘in’ in today’s society.” Monogamy wasn’t in throughout history so to speak. Many kings (and queens) had countless lovers and it was even said that King Solomon of Judea had 700 wives and 300 concubines.. or the other way around! However, for the average person, this is a problem that has always been dealt with. But the more traditional “hush hush” stigmas from previous generations are fading and the key difference is people being more VOCAL about… Read more »

Raygirl
Guest
Raygirl

One of the reasons monogamy has been encouraged is because of sexually transmitted diseases and overpopulation of children having babies. It is more for survival than people think.

Danielle Mccarter
Guest
Danielle Mccarter

Exactly hellooooo people aexual health and I don’t give a crap about 7th century shit! We’ve evolved and loyalty just feels better to men and women! The people cheating don’t want to be cheated on and if they are they feel like shit why is that! So let’s be brutally honest men and women both don’t like it period! And if was so far fetched why does it feel like crap to be cheated on, because we don’t leave in King and queen days people grow up and evolve up!!!!

oli
Guest
oli

Hey, on a lighter note here.

Talking of monogamy and polygamy has anyone heard this joke.

Woman to her Man.

“Do you love me?”

Man, “Yes, dear”

Woman. “More than Adam loved Eve”

Man, ” Of course, dear, Adam had no choice”

Stag-Man
Guest
Stag-Man

So why is there this fear, or is the answer obvious (i.e. because they do wonder off lol)?

I don’t doubt that men have as many fears, they are just as you point out different. I think the one you mention – not being enough – is especially a modern one.

PS: apologies for the name, ‘Stag-Man’ lol. Just made it up on the spot, not what I generally use as my online nick.

Stag-Man
Guest
Stag-Man

Hi Renee, I based my statement that women are naturally monogamous on the little that I have read about research done into the differences between men and women. (Why Men Don’t Listen & Women Can’t Read Maps). I’m aware that women are interested in different types of men at different times in their cycle. But I would venture to say that despite that, over-all my impression is that they seek a long term stable partner. (The whole nest building thing etc.) I don’t doubt that women seek sexual variety, in fact that explains why they are attracted to the so-called… Read more »

Renee
Guest
Renee

Hey Stag-man, yes, indeed there are differences between men and women (more correctly, masculine and feminine) – that’s the main reason this blog was created. Every species on earth (bar humans) have been described with the differences between the masculine and feminine in mind. For some reason, humans have been misunderstood – we have mistakenly grouped us together as one type, but in reality, we are like different species. Of course many women have fear that their man might run off. This fear in itself is huge and is at the root of much of the so-called nasty things many… Read more »

Kathy
Guest
Kathy

Hey Renee, I know youre very busy but you feel like my.only hope :'( last nught my guy told me that he notices other hot women more than he has expressed to me. He says imagines them.naked.. ive read and it seems like all guys do this :'( It just hurts me.so much because having a soul mate is one of the buggest things I want in life. Im always trying to work those 17 attraction triggers and look nice. Each week ive been opening up my heart to him more and more and hearing this just tore me apart… Read more »

Raygirl
Guest
Raygirl

Leave him before you give your heart too much. There are men that want a loyal and stable relationship in the world. I’ve stated before…my male friend is the most loyal guy I have ever met.His wife cheated on him for years and he put up with it, and never cheated on her for revenge. But when their kids grew up, he finally divorced her and remarried. He is more loyal than me unfortunately. I’m just like your boyfriend and I’m a woman. For some people it is hard to be loyal. For some people loyalty is all they want.… Read more »

Raygirl
Guest
Raygirl

That’s BS when people say monogamy is only for women. I am not faithful at all, and I’m a woman. Yet, my best male friend does not believe in disloyalty because he has been cheated all his life by his wife and he did not like the feeling. This is the reason why me and my friend have never hooked up. He’s been faithful to his new wife and in fact, he told me he doesn’t have a strong need for sex, just every once in a while. In fact, compared to him, it is hard for me to settle… Read more »

Send this to a friend