Find out…Are Men Intimidated By You? Or Are They Simply Not Attracted to You?
I remember several years ago, being about 20 years old, and I was out with a group of girlfriends. None of the men seemed interested in me. At least not compared to the number of men who were interested in my friends. I felt devastated. The men seemed interested in my girlfriends, but not me. I couldn’t figure it out. Not that I was trying to actually figure it out; I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
One can’t get clarity when they are feeling sorry for themselves.
On this particular night, one nice young man did come up to me and introduce himself. He asked what I was doing with myself. I said: “I’m studying Law.” Which I was.
And I’ll never forget his reaction. He pulled his head right back and stepped away from me, taking one step back, literally. And he said ‘oh’. ‘Woah. Ok.’ From that day on, I noticed that whenever I told men this, this particular reaction was not uncommon at all.
At the time I secretly smiled. Heh, finally, I feel some sort of power in my life – I’m doing a LAW degree and you can’t compare to that!
I remember walking away from that club where I was at, and weeks later, started to tell myself the boring story about how men don’t want to be in a relationship with me because they were intimidated by me. I was actually totally clueless, because it was none of that. It wasn’t even that I was ‘successful’. It wasn’t that I actually intimidated men.
The reality is that attraction occurs when there is polarity.
Polarity happens when there is opposite energies, it didn’t have to be that way, it is just how it is in our universe.
Looking back, I now realise that it wasn’t that men were intimidated and THAT is why they didn’t or couldn’t be in a relationship with me.
It was that there was no room to be in a relationship with me.
They had no perceived positive rewards for their efforts to court me, because I put out a tonne of masculine energy.
It was that I walked around, living my life from this place of thinking that my worth came from being career minded and successful. And that became a habit; so much so that when I spoke to men, my body was tight, I wasn’t trusting, I was fully set on directing my own life.
Nothing wrong with that, right? Of course not.
And yet – it pushed the better men away, because I didn’t need their direction.
I wasn’t soft, I was hard and trying to just be enough.
I bought in to the false idea that ‘men commit to women who are better; women who are achievers’ – which leads to the reality that:
When we think this way, we will always be insecure
As women, our appeal to men in a relationship has nothing to do with how much we achieve; it has everything to do with our soul; and our heart as a woman. It has everything to do with how kind, loyal and feminine we show up. (Click here to take the quiz “How Feminine Am I Actually”)
Achievements for appeal in a commitment relationships are for men; men compete with each other to achieve more and therefore gain more status. Because we all secretly know unconsciously that women trade up and compare men all the time. As Jada Pinkett says: ‘no woman wants a man other women don’t want’.
In other words, women go for the man with the most status they feel they can get. We choose the best man we believe we are worthy of.
Why we need to question our statements of ‘men are intimidated by me’.
If men are intimidated by us, fine.
But if we keep that story in our heads…then we are simply avoiding facing the fake stories we tell ourselves and other possible realities.
Realities such as:
1) Because we spend so much energy directing ourselves in our career and life, in other words – using this masculine energy in ourselves….a man can’t be attracted to us because we’ve already put out so much masculine energy in the world. There’s NOTHING wrong with using our masculine. But when we go in to the dating world assuming that our worth comes from this; well, we don’t get to complain that men aren’t attracted to us and that there are no good men. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man? “)
2) Or the other fake story we often tell ourselves: that…we prefer living with the internal story in our minds of ‘they’re intimidated by me’ than feeling with our deep, inner yearning in our heart and body for a fully directed man to enter our life.
The One Truth I discovered..
Here is an inconvenient truth.
When we women say; ‘men don’t court me because they’re intimidated by me’…
Men actually just weren’t attracted to us. It doesn’t mean we AREN’T attractive; it just means that we didn’t show up that way in the eyes of men.
I hear women saying to me: ‘but, men are intimidated by beautiful women!! It’s true!’
I say ‘so?’ why not be more approachable then, if we really value relationship and connection and opening to a man? You can always wear a sloppy item of clothing and dull your attractiveness on the outside – but that wouldn’t change your inner radiance and would make you actually more approachable.
It depends whether we value the tired old ‘stories’ in our heads about men or whether we value bringing the kind of value to the table that men SEE as value for a long term relationship.
I’m well aware that for a strong woman in her 30s who is finding it difficult to find and meet a good man who is not a jerk can feel disillusioned. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Pissed. Humiliated.
There’s a lot of pain and humiliation surrounding not finding a man for most women in this world. We just try to cover it up with stupid stories like:
‘Men are intimidated by me’.
‘There aren’t enough good men in my town.”
“There’s a shortage of men in my town.”
No. None of those things are ever true. But we have to survive somehow; and to SURVIVE, we have to tell ourselves an internal story that makes us feel good enough that we can walk out the door in the morning and actually live our lives.
Are Men Actually Intimidated by You?
So, are men intimidated by you? Mostly not. Maybe in the corporate world where they’re not thinking about dating you.
Even if they are intimidated by you, that usually only counts for a small percentage of the reason why they are not wanting a relationship with you.
And even if they are, what does it matter? How is men being intimidated by you even relevant to your love life? What matters is whether men are attracted to you or not for a relationship. So WHY are we really focusing on the silly story of ‘oh yeah well men are just INTIMIDATED BY ME!’.
Simply because we feel sad and hurt that we are alone. And instead of feeling our pain, and feeling our oneness with everyone’s else’s pain – people who also share our pain because they are human – we decide it’s more important to have a ‘cool identity’ and the idea that we are so important and significant that oh my gosh, men can’t even date us because we are so crash hot and so much like a super woman.
Attraction is the thing that lights up his life and lights up yours.
THIS really means that to get in to a relationship; we need to uncover the mask we wear of ‘being intimidating’ to men and reveal our true spontaneous, alive, and innocent feminine self inside. Of course, provided we are feminine inside; which is most of us.
I believe that our BS – ing ourselves with a story about men being intimidated by us only closes us down to men further, and makes you a smaller and smaller woman with less and less love in her life. I know this because I have been there and felt it. It feels awful. It took me ages to learn that my own silly story was destroying my ‘light’ as some weird new-agey people might describe it! (poking fun here).
The Honesty that is REQUIRED for you to find ANY Man…
But what if this kind of honesty with yourself is required for you to find a loving relationship?
I want to ask you today to have the courage to be honest with yourself, instead of remaining a small woman for the rest of your life. I want you to feel the power that comes with being incredibly feminine and attractive; and not falling for the silly ideal that you have to be masculine to be worthy in this world. No.
You could have failed school and many men would love you (perhaps more men than you think).
You could be a bimbo and men will love you for it.
You could be a stay at home mom and be provided for financially fully by your husband, and while other women are seething, HATING you for having this apparent fortune, your man adores you to bits.
It’s other WOMEN and dishonest men who perpetuate these myths about what you have to be in order to be enough for everyone in this world. And by the way, these women are acting from their fears. They’re not necessarily showing up as open, loving women, they’re women who are feeling disillusioned but too scared to feel their fears; because facing our fears is more painful and harder than ignoring them.
Nobody loves you for being successful, for being intimidating, or for being more ‘powerful’ in society than other people are. That’s the silly illusion that we’ve all fallen for at certain times in our lives.
The Price you pay for telling yourself that men are intimidated by you..
If we don’t tell ourselves the truth, we have a far HIGHER price to pay: the price that comes with regret. Regret about pushing men away and valuing our stores instead. Regret about not being as vulnerable and open to a relationship as other women were.
But mostly, regret about being a liar. Regret that it’s us who has to look at ourselves in the mirror and suffer through what we wish we had done or had not done. See this article on why men pull away.
Here is the price we pay for telling yourself the BS story that men are intimidated by us:
1) We will never actually become more attractive. Instead, we stay closed and guarded which will repel more and more men away from you.
2) We don’t get to feel the power that comes with being able to attract any man you want.
3) We may never have our own children (if you want your own children, then this could be a huge and urgent worry for you).
4) We will never grow, instead we will remain closed, guarded and eventually, totally bitter.
Men are attracted to Femininity, not Success…
Men are men. Most of them are proportionally more masculine in relationships. Which means they are attracted to femininity. And that is emotionally attracted to femininity as well as physically attracted to femininity. (See article on what is femininity and how to become feminine)
What am I getting at here? What’s the ‘answer’ in all this?
The answer is that even if we did a law degree, even if we run our own business; the truth and the ‘story’ we want to tell ourselves if we are courageous enough to admit that we WANT a man, is that there’s a reason why we don’t have one.
In the context of this article, it’s because we value our own significance more than we do a relationship.
Did you also notice, I didn’t say “you are not pretty enough.”
I didn’t say: “men don’t think you are sexy”, they probably do think you’re sexy. It’s not hard to be sexy to most men. Sexy is easy to come by.
I am talking about men not being attracted to us. Which is a totally different thing. Attraction is a gut feeling; it’s NOT a judgement.
See, when I say men aren’t attracted to you, do you feel rejected?
If you do, that might be because you think there’s no hope, and that men are judging you. They’re not. They just don’t feel attracted to you. And that’s just their FEELING. Nothing more.
The good news is, men are always responding to WOMEN. They’re responding to YOU. Which means, how you show up in the dating market is crucial. If you’re always showing up as the ‘sexy, successful’ woman; then men will want sex, but not commit to you.
It’s important to tell yourself the truth and acknowledge that, unlike what other women would have you believe; LOOKS aren’t important; but ATTRACTION is, when it comes to finding a man. And ANY woman can be attractive; she just has to be feminine. Dark and light; whatever she wants to be. The missing ingredient in any case is still ATTRACTION and being ATTRACTIVE to men.
What’s the real reason men seem turned off?
Did you wonder why, in my above story, the men backed off when I said I was studying Law?
If you were, great!
I was a Hard Woman, not a Soft Woman…
The answer is NOT because I did a Law degree. It’s because of my energy. And my energy is what is behind what I said. It’s the way I said it, and the way I go about meeting my needs every day of my life.
Is it any wonder men don’t approach me? My energy put out intensity. My vibe was that was that of a hard woman, wearing masks to cover up her attractive natural energy. How could men be attracted to me? Much less approach me and want a relationship with me?
Back then, I thought my worth was in my achievements.
Now, let me just say, doing this is not wrong: you can choose to put out ANY energy you want. You can turn yourself in to a man if you want, and there would be nothing wrong with that at all. It really just depends on what you want in your life.
To guide you through what I’ve finally come to learn myself, I’ve put together the 17 Attraction Triggers that guarantee to get any man’s blood boiling. Some of these triggers are primal, sexual, some of them are emotional. They will help you feel closer to your true self, your true core and feel more feminine and attractive. Here’s the link to 17 Attraction Triggers.
Finally, I’m very interested in hearing your opinion on all of this. What are your thoughts? In fact, what is your true experience of dealing with men out there in the big wide world? Do you agree or disagree? Share in the comments section below so that other women can also learn from you!”