Can You Really Expect a Man to be Monogamous?

Can You Really Expect a Man to be Monogamous?

There’s a lot of talk about how monogamy is unnatural and no longer ‘in’ in today’s society. A lot of people say that men are ‘hard-wired’ to spread their seed and to have sex with as many women as possible. The same goes for women. A lot of women think monogamy is not for them, and that it’s “unrealistic” for them to be in love with, and commit to, just one man for life. Not to mention that infidelity seems to be commonplace in today’s society. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

We’re not surprised that people think this way, but we do want to explore this topic further.

Men and hormones?

I once read this statement from an online website called ‘What Women Never Hear’ which is about what men really think of women:

“Men are designed by God, produced by Nature, and driven by hormones. And, that’s before they stop to think. Once old enough and they learn to pursue their self-interest, they do whatever the female gender requires for frequent and convenient access to sex.”

Pardon? ‘Once old enough and they learn to pursue their self-interest’ ? Babies are among the most selfish of all human beingsHave you ever seen a baby when it’s hungry or wants attention? It doesn’t care whether you are tired, hurt, angry, sad, depressed, ill or insane – it want you to attend to it – and it wants you to do that NOW.

It’s when we get older that we’re conditioned to understand and consider OTHERS a bit more. I agree that most people are driven completely by their own needs and that they simply don’t care enough about other people. This however, has a lot to do with our level of consciousness. Most people live in survival and have NO IDEA how to really hold a relationship and not just hold it, but make it beautiful, loving and lasting.

One last thing about the above quoted paragraph: This statement is assuming that every man is egocentric. And it’s not true that all men will do whatever the female gender requires to get sex. Some men don’t want sex! In fact, there are many men who won’t in fact go out of their way to ‘do whatever the female gender requires’ in order to get sex. (read my article about when is the right time to sleep with a man?)

What about Hard-wiring??

Human beings are driven by EMOTION. Yes, we have hormones and yes, we have physical desires but emotion is what ultimately drives us. For example, what leads us to kill someone or to commit suicide? What leads us to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend? Not because we’d rather ‘make sticky’ with another woman or man!

There is no such thing as hard-wiring.

If you believe there’s such a thing as hard-wiring; then what is actually hardwired in to us? Procreation? Nursing ourselves if we get hurt? Staying away from physical injuries?

If you believed that, then how do you explain all those who self harm and take pleasure in it? What about our desire to be nourished? If you think that’s hard-wiring, then what do you think about anorexics who are put off at the thought of food and deprive themselves of it?

Hard-wiring is just an excuse. WE, as humans, have a tremendous ability to change and adapt to our environment. We can change our own biochemistry and hormones by what we think, believe and do. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Does monogamy = monotony?

Sure, monogamy equals monotony. If you’re boring, OR with a boring person. People just don’t realize that nobody has to expect to be bored after 10, 20, 30, 40, or even 200 years of being in the same relationship with the same person!!

Yes, one of the 6 human needs is variety. But this doesn’t mean we have to obtain variety in sleeping with all sorts of different people – it just means that the human nervous system needs variety. The FORM in which you need variety depends on your personal beliefs, values and needs. (read my article about how to make a man commit)

Boredom in having sex with the same person comes when one or both of you just don’t make an effort to constantly find new ways to fill up the other person, and to grow, contribute and give more to your spouse. Even then, some people just have the belief that being with one person is the most enriching, beautiful and fulfilling thing in their life! These people may not need as much effort put in to creating variety in their sex lives.

One important thing to remember is that the masculine energy needs uncertainty in intimacy. But that’s where all the flirtation, fun, and games come in to it. And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together with your man, if you’re an absolute goddess, and you fill him up and meet his needs, he’s not going to want to leave you. (read my article about why men go hot and cold)

So, Can you really expect a man to be monogamous?

The answer is yes, if you find a man with that type of value and belief system. But what is also important is that you find a man who is so certain, strong and confident that nothing will shake the foundation of his most important beliefs.

But – there is one important thing you need to know: human beings will violate their values and beliefs to meet their needs.

So what do you need to do? You need to care about your man enough to meet those needs, and to meet them at a consistently outstanding level. Not just when it’s easy. When it’s hard. It means little if you can care about someone else’s needs only when it’s easy. If you can do it when it’s hard, then you give yourself an opportunity to grow and become more, beyond what average women would do.

And in return, you reap the rewards of an amazing relationship!

And always remember these things:

– Don’t ever assume that all men are egocentric.

– Don’t always assume the worst. Trust him first.

– Start looking beyond yourself and IN TO your man’s deepest needs.

Don’t be fooledby this idea that you can never be in love with just one person for the rest of your life. Of course you can! No matter how real this idea of ‘true love doesn’t last’ seems to you, know that there are people in love, happy, monogamous and fulfilled right NOW.

If a man has in his belief system that he cannot be happy unless he sleeps with many women, then yes, you’ll be forcing him to do something that doesn’t ‘feel’ right to him by wanting him to be monogamous. And don’t kid yourself thinking that you’ll ‘change’ him. You should never try to change a man.

But also remember that belief systems can change. Most people have a whole lot of contradictions in their belief system. Just because a man doesn’t believe monogamy will make him happy doesn’t mean this belief won’t change. And, whilst you never should try to change a man, you can always plant ‘seeds’ and make suggestions or drop ideas and thoughts in conversation. Ultimately, if you want the best for the other person, there’s nothing wrong with making suggestions.

By the way, we’re not suggesting that everyone has to be monogamous. The purpose of this article is to shed some light on the idea that humans are not meant to be monogamous.

However, you as a woman can also inspire a man to become monogamous with you. This takes a lot more knowledge and advanced skills on your behalf in getting a man to commit.  I talk about this in my program Commitment Control 2.0, click here to learn how you can inspire your man to commit.

Regardless of what you choose to do, remember, exclusivity and commitment doesn’t always come smoothly or naturally, sometimes you have to step in and “inspire” it from a man!


  • stargazer

    i am a man having good job and i won’t brag but i look good!!!! I am monogamous more than the word monogamous itself and my dream was to fall in love with a single woman marry her and make her my world. Had a lot of crushes but i never brought the courage to tell them my feelings. Then i was approached by a girl and she said she liked me and i fell in love with her badly!!!! Made her my universe, my all, gave her the power of my happiness, my vulnerability. i shined more and more in her love, worked harder just for her, studied more, every thing improved for me. I used to tell her that i was nothing before her and she made me into something important. I loved her truly, madly, passionately. Wanted to marry her, but i found out that she was cheating on me :( that broke me! When i found out, i put it all in front of her, she said she was sorry and all but i was broken. She gave me trust issues and insecurities and how could i trust her again. Even i put the blame on myself and told her that maybe i failed to love her enough that she did that with me. I wanted a relation where “I’m completely yours and you are mine”. So now i search on internet things like how to forget someone and why do women cheat :(. I admit it feels shitty and i cried a hell lot!!!! My question is: Can we expect women to be monogamous :(? Whenever a girl used to approach me when i was in relationship with her, i showed that girl my girl’s picture and tell her “This is the girl i love and i love her crazily”, Used to call her my wife. Now i hate every girl and i don’t know if i’ll trust someone else again. She was my first and i wanted her to be the last. I am seeing a shrimp on weekly basis just to recover.

    • Jessica

      Hi stargazer. I read your post and wanted to say this: Don’t let that bad experience deter you from your goal of being married. Her cheating on you was not your fault. She was a season coming to teach you one thing and moving on. Always remember, some people come in your life for a lifetime; the majority come for a season. Forgive her and keep doing well. Your wife will come in due time. Don’t let that experience turn you into someone that you hate and are not.

  • Seriously

    Many of us men Can be very faithful if we really did find the Right One.

  • Mystie

    Kathy, I am a woman and was married for 20 years. I had lots of fantasies about other men but never cheated.

  • Jessica

    The truth is no matter how hard you work at being faithful and monogamous, temptation will always come. Temptation is not wrong. YIELDING to temptation IS wrong. Temptation tests the strength of your resistance. If you don’t give into it, that’s good. If you do give into it, that can cause a lot of pain and suffering depending on what the situation was. People fantasize about being with different people. THe difference is will they act on it or keep it as a thought.

  • lindsay

    Wow! Thank you, so much for this. I have to admit, I am ruled so much by fear, that even opening this article gave me fear. But after reading it you surprise me so much! I was almost positive that you were going to say,” a man is going to be programed to want to have sex with many women, and that is normal”, and that I should just be okay with it. I literally found myself saying ,” oh my God thank you Jesus!” Haha. I found myself in a relationship of the father of both of my children. Over the past 6 years there has been some infidelity. there has been some times, where I thought that I would leave. but I told myself that I would give it a chance to see and learn more about how he works as a man. I don’t fully understand infidelity because, I ,myself would never commit it. I think that’s why it has been so heartbreaking for me to fully wrap my head around why. He has cheated on me about 4 times over the past 6 years and every time he said he felt horrible about it and came and told me the truth. He later told me after a breakthrough we had, sitting down and talking, that it was just a need that he felt he had to fill and never meant to hurt me. I still don’t understand hurting the other person that you’re with and would never do that to him but over the years there has been some healing and I do understand that he had a moment of weakness a few times and acted on it. He said that that is the hardest thing for him is saying no to a bad situation. And that is where he found himself in the past. I just want to thank you again, for this article. Thank you.

  • Kathy

    Hey Renee,

    Thanks so much for writing this article. There is so much stuff out there about how men will always want other women and how you can never feel completely safe. The advice then throws on the end “be confident.” I know men can be monogamous but I have a really difficult time when my boyfriend checks out other women.

    I know you say it is okay to notice feminine attributes and I agree. We are all going to find other people attractive. However, it feels like his body language changes when he sees an attractive woman. It just feels terrible that he is being affected by another woman’s looks. I meet all those sexual needs so I guess I am just confused. It also really hurts and since iv’e been with him, my family and friends notice that I have become SO MUCH less confident, insecure and unhappy with myself.

    I know being vulnerable is scary and I know that if I give value he won’t cheat but I can’t help but feel not good enough to him. I think another thing that adds to it is that I don’t really feel loved by him. His words of endearment are next to nonexistent and it really hurts. I love how your blog focuses on what you are giving to the relationship and I have grown so much from this reading your material. However, are some men just not right for us? It just feels like no matter how vulnerable I am, how good I feel about myself before we hang out, I always feel totally deflated when we do hang out. :( I have been working on myself and using so much of your insight but I just don’t feel loved. When do you stop looking at yourself and start looking at the relationship?

    Thank you so much, your work is really inspiring :)

  • Kimberly

    I do not believe in marriage since men are wired for sexual variety. All men constantly fight off the urges to sleep with other women after they have been with the same girl past the honeymoonstage of their relationship. I hate to be blunt and rude, but it is the truth and any woman who believes their man isnt like this is naiive.

    Some women still decide to marry after knowing this. But for me, the idea of being tied down to a guy and doing crap for him, while he is resenting only having me (despite maintaining my looks and treating him well) is a colossal waste of time.

    But then again, Im not sure I ever want kids and I am an extremely independent person…so deciding men arent worth getting married (whats the point of marriage if they want to cheat?…not anything unless youre a golddigger) is not devastating to me.

    • Kathy

      Not all men want to cheat, just how not all women want to cheat. If you read that off some blog somewhere on the internet, I feel your pain. I did a lot of reading online trying to find answers but that blog could have been written by a man who does not want a relationship or maybe he was even deeply hurt as a child or in a relationship. Just because there are theories bopping around out there that state that men look for sexual variety because they evolved that way, firstly that very belief could be taken out of context. Just as many other studies have been taken out of context. I am taking a class on primate nature right now and 90% of it is theory at this point. They really are limited in what they can prove.

      Even if it was true, it doesn’t determine what people choose as humans. We are very different from primates. We feel jealousy, we have articulated language, we feel deep romantic love. There have been studies done on couples who have been together for years and some of them that still feel deeply in love have the same brain activity as those who just fell in love.

      You even mention the instinct that “should” be natural to you as a woman (if we are talking about evolution) and guess what you don’t want kids. Even if you really, deep down, do want kids, some women don’t! That is a perfect example of how an “instinct” does not mean it is reality.

      Yea men like sex (so do women), yea couples are going to find the opposite sex attractive, yea if you are not feeling wanted, loved, sexual in your relationship you are going to notice it in other places. That is people, not just men.

      I hope you give love a chance again, to a good guy. After being with my man for almost 2 years, he has taught me so much! He drives me crazy sometimes but he has stood there through some of my lowest points. He held me when I just felt so afraid I could die. Opening up to love has been a war, a full blown war because I was so resistant to being vulnerable.

      I grew up with a Dad who talked about women as objects, who deceived girlfriends because he wanted to feel wanted, who 2 timed women and who mad it very clear that if some other woman was hot enough, he WOULD cheat. I then chose men who made me feel loved. The only way I felt loved was when a man made me feel attractive. Ironically they were as charming and deceitful as my Dad and what I had always know.

      I chose an amazing man and he is still here holding my hand. Love is so much more than instincts, being vulnerable is so worth the fear and slowly but surely trusting a man has set me free. In so many ways!

      Take Good Care Kimberly <3

      • Jan

        I’m a man and married with my wife for more than 3 years now. She is young and attractive – I’m six years older. I have never cheated. Nevertheless believe me that this is becoming an issue – in fact I suppose the most important one in my life and the tension arises. I am not being satisfied and it’s not because she does not want to have sex. She has now greater sex drive than mine. I just feel like I was wired to serach for different women – even if they were less attractive. I can even imagine that if she was new for me now – it could be brilliant – but now it’s not.
        I am not going to cheat – sometimes I think the best way would be to talk to her – but the only thing I perceive as sastisfying for me would be to be given freedom to have occasional contacts with other women which I think would not be acceptable for her. What is more it wouldn’t be as for now acceptable for me to give her such freedom. I am honest. I don;t know the solution. Additionally I feel like I would be a better man for my family by when I was not frustrated in this important field of sexuality.

    • tinkgrrrbell

      Really? I can’t fathom believing a stereotype that all men are the same. My husband’s sex drive is lower than mine, and he’s had less sexual partners in the past than I have. His friends teased him for not cheating on his high school gf with her attractive friend who tried to seduce him and even snuck into his sleeping bag nude once. Cheating turns him off, and no matter how much other male “friends” have mocked him for it, he has no interest in it. Please take the time to get to know different types of people before lumping them ALL into one ignorant stereotype. You are wrong.

      • Colonel Muppet

        You never mentioned whether he was happy though. Maybe he is too ugly or not rich enough to indulge himself? Some guys give up once they find a partner. As regards his sex drive most people are bored within a couple of years with sex with their partner. Studies also show that more creative men, more handsome men, wealthier men enjoy more frequent sex and with a wider variety of partners.
        All men I know in marriages or LT relationships, would love the opportunity to have sex with someone else if it was gteed that their partner would never find out! And a good percentage visit prostitutes regularly too.
        Monogamy suits women better, which is why these type of articles get written, to give “the sisterhood” some level of comfort, rather than facing reality.

  • Holly

    Women’s intuition springs to mind.

    My theory is that if I can imagine a man would cheat, then their is a possibility that my subconscious mind has calculated the out come.

    Of course anyone can cheat in a relationship, that’s just a risk worth taking for a good relationship a ect. It’s sheathed or not I could imagine someone cheating.

    A good example would be a man I saw working in my local, public library. Could I imagine him going out of his way to cheat on someone, the answer is NO!!

    I already know for sure that their are good, honest, decent and attractive loyal men walking this earth. It’s just a case of believing it to be true because then the subconscious mind will just filter for matching believes.

    It’s about being a healthy person to because the law of attraction brings into life, people who vibrate the same energy frequency.

    That’s why I choose to work on myself as a person, to become the right women for the right man.

  • bijan

    In addition you must know monogony concept was brought by men for men not to protect women.It was not about being with one was about not being responsible for more than one woman whom the man recognized socially as his wife Modern society is not only stripping every right of men in name of fininusm and equality is now by people like you trying to shove a big lie about very truth of mans biology into our heads.Some people are even fooled to believe god and religions advice monogomy that is another huge lie.Non of people who put bible together where minogomist nor Mohammad or any other profit or religion. One thing you can never call obsurd is gunman nature

  • bijan

    You my friend are reflecting feminist movements idiology. Your comments are contrary to every real sientofic study.What ever time we live in and how educated or advanced we might be salt still tastes as it did million years ago.That’s biology and nature.Male humman is not designed to be monogomist at least not monogomist and happy at the same time. It was imposed on men at roman time that’s where we inherited the word romance Study before brain washing people

  • geese

    Hi Kathy — the answer to must all men cheat is “no, not all men are the same”. We are only really as likely to cheat as women. Afterall, in many cases, a woman who would sleep with a man with a wife/girlfriend would cheat on her husband/girlfriend. In fact when I was a single man, I was constantly with women I eventually found out were either married or in a committed relationship. Many more I found out months after that they were in relationships and just fooling around with me. I was young rich, ridiculously fit and single – the type of guy married women feel justified having sex with. As I write this, I recall two married woman who made desparate advances – one started stripping down in front of me with little intro. If it were true that all men found sex irresistable I would have seen this as an opportunity. I didn’t. Instead I felt bad for her. She had just married and was busy telling all her friends earlier about how amazing the honeymoon was. Another lied that she was in an open relationship – until her teenage son called me and begged me to stay away because his dad found out and was crying about it. Then there was the wife of one of my office colleagues who liked to give blow jobs and have sex with his single coworkers in the bathroom at office events. I stayed clear, but many guys didn’t. He was a laughing stock and a figure of pity. It really affected his work life. I’m not much of a “my gender is better than yours” type so I don’t believe women are inherently bad. I think we both have sexual desires and a big brain and can choose which of those we will act on and with whom. Both can stray, both can be faithful. Now I am married and plan on staying monogamous. I was not particularly happy as a single young guy having sex with strange women all the time so this lifestyle suits me now in “middle age” (40). I hope it suits my wife too but I am not foolish enough to think that “she’s a woman so she is good and definitely won’t ever cheat on me”. That’s naïve. I have to work on keeping her faithful just as she has to work to keep me faithful.

  • Kathy

    This the hardest things for me with men. Im so afraid that men will always want other women. Renee, how loyal can you expect a man to be? Even if he doesnt cheat do you p
    think all men fantasize about other women?

    • Colonel Muppet

      What scares you? The loss of him emotionally or sexually? In most cases women worry about the emotional loss. This is a huge error of thinking, since women equivolate sexual fidelity with emotional commitment. Yet, it is well established that men’s sex drives are much higher than women’s over the course of a lifetime. Women find it harder to both participate in or understand recreational sex. Most men like an emotional sole companion yet at the same time they want extradyadic sex for fun too.
      No one can expect a partner to fully satisfy them: yet these are myths continuously perpetuated, largely by women, I’m afraid. If we didn’t put out these high expectations, monogamy would have a fighting chance but we don’t.
      Having sex with other people outside your SO does not mean you do not love them. The analysis is so poor: in the cases where people have affairs – cheating – it is more often not a symptom rather than a cause of problems in the relationship.

  • Rob

    wow. I wish all women thought like you. most men would be faithful, if their wives weren’t so stupid when it comes to sex.