Can You Really Expect a Man to be Monogamous?
There’s a lot of talk about how monogamy is unnatural and no longer ‘in’ in today’s society. A lot of people say that men are ‘hard-wired’ to spread their seed and to have sex with as many women as possible. The same goes for women. A lot of women think monogamy is not for them, and that it’s “unrealistic” for them to be in love with, and commit to, just one man for life. Not to mention that infidelity seems to be commonplace in today’s society.
We’re not surprised that people think this way, but we do want to explore this topic further.
Men and hormones?
I once read this statement from an online website called ‘What Women Never Hear’ which is about what men really think of women:
“Men are designed by God, produced by Nature, and driven by hormones. And, that’s before they stop to think. Once old enough and they learn to pursue their self-interest, they do whatever the female gender requires for frequent and convenient access to sex.”
Pardon? ‘Once old enough and they learn to pursue their self-interest’ ? Babies are among the most selfish of all human beings. Have you ever seen a baby when it’s hungry or wants attention? It doesn’t care whether you are tired, hurt, angry, sad, depressed, ill or insane – it want you to attend to it – and it wants you to do that NOW.
It’s when we get older that we’re conditioned to understand and consider OTHERS a bit more. I agree that most people are driven completely by their own needs and that they simply don’t care enough about other people. This however, has a lot to do with our level of consciousness. Most people live in survival and have NO IDEA how to really hold a relationship and not just hold it, but make it beautiful, loving and lasting.
One last thing about the above quoted paragraph: This statement is assuming that every man is egocentric. And it’s not true that all men will do whatever the female gender requires to get sex. Some men don’t want sex! In fact, there are many men who won’t in fact go out of their way to ‘do whatever the female gender requires’ in order to get sex. (read my article about when is the right time to sleep with a man?)
What about Hard-wiring??
Human beings are driven by EMOTION. Yes, we have hormones and yes, we have physical desires but emotion is what ultimately drives us. For example, what leads us to kill someone or to commit suicide? What leads us to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend? Not because we’d rather ‘make sticky’ with another woman or man!
There is no such thing as hard-wiring.
If you believe there’s such a thing as hard-wiring; then what is actually hardwired in to us? Procreation? Nursing ourselves if we get hurt? Staying away from physical injuries?
If you believed that, then how do you explain all those who self harm and take pleasure in it? What about our desire to be nourished? If you think that’s hard-wiring, then what do you think about anorexics who are put off at the thought of food and deprive themselves of it?
Hard-wiring is just an excuse. WE, as humans, have a tremendous ability to change and adapt to our environment. We can change our own biochemistry and hormones by what we think, believe and do.
Does monogamy = monotony?
Sure, monogamy equals monotony. If you’re boring, OR with a boring person. People just don’t realize that nobody has to expect to be bored after 10, 20, 30, 40, or even 200 years of being in the same relationship with the same person!!
Yes, one of the 6 human needs is variety. But this doesn’t mean we have to obtain variety in sleeping with all sorts of different people - it just means that the human nervous system needs variety. The FORM in which you need variety depends on your personal beliefs, values and needs. (read my article about how to make a man commit)
Boredom in having sex with the same person comes when one or both of you just don’t make an effort to constantly find new ways to fill up the other person, and to grow, contribute and give more to your spouse. Even then, some people just have the belief that being with one person is the most enriching, beautiful and fulfilling thing in their life! These people may not need as much effort put in to creating variety in their sex lives.
One important thing to remember is that the masculine energy needs uncertainty in intimacy. But that’s where all the flirtation, fun, and games come in to it. And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together with your man, if you’re an absolute goddess, and you fill him up and meet his needs, he’s not going to want to leave you. (read my article about why men go hot and cold)
So, Can you really expect a man to be monogamous?
The answer is yes, if you find a man with that type of value and belief system. But what is also important is that you find a man who is so certain, strong and confident that nothing will shake the foundation of his most important beliefs.
But – there is one important thing you need to know: human beings will violate their values and beliefs to meet their needs.
So what do you need to do? You need to care about your man enough to meet those needs, and to meet them at a consistently outstanding level. Not just when it’s easy. When it’s hard. It means little if you can care about someone else’s needs only when it’s easy. If you can do it when it’s hard, then you give yourself an opportunity to grow and become more, beyond what average women would do.
And in return, you reap the rewards of an amazing relationship!
And always remember these things:
- Don’t ever assume that all men are egocentric.
- Don’t always assume the worst. Trust him first.
- Start looking beyond yourself and IN TO your man’s deepest needs.
Don’t be fooled by this idea that you can never be in love with just one person for the rest of your life. Of course you can! No matter how real this idea of ‘true love doesn’t last’ seems to you, know that there are people in love, happy, monogamous and fulfilled right NOW.
If a man has in his belief system that he cannot be happy unless he sleeps with many women, then yes, you’ll be forcing him to do something that doesn’t ‘feel’ right to him by wanting him to be monogamous. And don’t kid yourself thinking that you’ll ‘change’ him. You should never try to change a man.
But also remember that belief systems can change. Most people have a whole lot of contradictions in their belief system. Just because a man doesn’t believe monogamy will make him happy doesn’t mean this belief won’t change. And, whilst you never should try to change a man, you can always plant ‘seeds’ and make suggestions or drop ideas and thoughts in conversation. Ultimately, if you want the best for the other person, there’s nothing wrong with making suggestions.
By the way, we’re not suggesting that everyone has to be monogamous. The purpose of this article is to shed some light on the idea that humans are not meant to be monogamous.
However, you as a woman can also inspire a man to become monogamous with you. This takes a lot more knowledge and advanced skills on your behalf in getting a man to commit. I talk about this in my program Commitment Control.
Regardless of what you choose to do, remember, exclusivity and commitment doesn’t always come smoothly or naturally, sometimes you have to step in and “inspire” it from a man!