Can You Really Expect a Man to be Monogamous?

can a man stay monogamous?

Can You Really Expect a Man to be Monogamous?

There’s a lot of talk about how monogamy is unnatural and no longer ‘in’ in today’s society. A lot of people say that men are ‘hard-wired’ to spread their seed and to have sex with as many women as possible. The same goes for women. A lot of women think monogamy is not for them, and that it’s “unrealistic” for them to be in love with, and commit to, just one man for life. Not to mention that infidelity seems to be commonplace in today’s society.

We’re not surprised that people think this way, but we do want to explore this topic further.

Men and hormones?

I once read this statement from an online website called ‘What Women Never Hear’ which is about what men really think of women:

“Men are designed by God, produced by Nature, and driven by hormones. And, that’s before they stop to think. Once old enough and they learn to pursue their self-interest, they do whatever the female gender requires for frequent and convenient access to sex.”

Pardon? ‘Once old enough and they learn to pursue their self-interest’ ? Babies are among the most selfish of all human beings. Have you ever seen a baby when it’s hungry or wants attention? It doesn’t care whether you are tired, hurt, angry, sad, depressed, ill or insane – it want you to attend to it – and it wants you to do that NOW.

It’s when we get older that we’re conditioned to understand and consider OTHERS a bit more. I agree that most people are driven completely by their own needs and that they simply don’t care enough about other people. This however, has a lot to do with our level of consciousness. Most people live in survival and have NO IDEA how to really hold a relationship and not just hold it, but make it beautiful, loving and lasting.

One last thing about the above quoted paragraph: This statement is assuming that every man is egocentric. And it’s not true that all men will do whatever the female gender requires to get sex. Some men don’t want sex! In fact, there are many men who won’t in fact go out of their way to ‘do whatever the female gender requires’ in order to get sex. (read my article about when is the right time to sleep with a man?)

What about Hard-wiring??

Human beings are driven by EMOTION. Yes, we have hormones and yes, we have physical desires but emotion is what ultimately drives us. For example, what leads us to kill someone or to commit suicide? What leads us to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend? Not because we’d rather ‘make sticky’ with another woman or man!

There is no such thing as hard-wiring.

If you believe there’s such a thing as hard-wiring; then what is actually hardwired in to us? Procreation? Nursing ourselves if we get hurt? Staying away from physical injuries?

If you believed that, then how do you explain all those who self harm and take pleasure in it? What about our desire to be nourished? If you think that’s hard-wiring, then what do you think about anorexics who are put off at the thought of food and deprive themselves of it?

Hard-wiring is just an excuse. WE, as humans, have a tremendous ability to change and adapt to our environment. We can change our own biochemistry and hormones by what we think, believe and do.

Does monogamy = monotony?

Sure, monogamy equals monotony. If you’re boring, OR with a boring person. People just don’t realize that nobody has to expect to be bored after 10, 20, 30, 40, or even 200 years of being in the same relationship with the same person!!

Yes, one of the 6 human needs is variety. But this doesn’t mean we have to obtain variety in sleeping with all sorts of different people - it just means that the human nervous system needs variety. The FORM in which you need variety depends on your personal beliefs, values and needs. (read my article about how to make a man commit)

Boredom in having sex with the same person comes when one or both of you just don’t make an effort to constantly find new ways to fill up the other person, and to grow, contribute and give more to your spouse. Even then, some people just have the belief that being with one person is the most enriching, beautiful and fulfilling thing in their life! These people may not need as much effort put in to creating variety in their sex lives.

One important thing to remember is that the masculine energy needs uncertainty in intimacy. But that’s where all the flirtation, fun, and games come in to it. And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together with your man, if you’re an absolute goddess, and you fill him up and meet his needs, he’s not going to want to leave you. (read my article about why men go hot and cold)

So, Can you really expect a man to be monogamous?

The answer is yes, if you find a man with that type of value and belief system. But what is also important is that you find a man who is so certain, strong and confident that nothing will shake the foundation of his most important beliefs.

But – there is one important thing you need to know: human beings will violate their values and beliefs to meet their needs.

So what do you need to do? You need to care about your man enough to meet those needs, and to meet them at a consistently outstanding level. Not just when it’s easy. When it’s hard. It means little if you can care about someone else’s needs only when it’s easy. If you can do it when it’s hard, then you give yourself an opportunity to grow and become more, beyond what average women would do.

And in return, you reap the rewards of an amazing relationship!

And always remember these things:

- Don’t ever assume that all men are egocentric.

- Don’t always assume the worst. Trust him first.

- Start looking beyond yourself and IN TO your man’s deepest needs.

Don’t be fooled by this idea that you can never be in love with just one person for the rest of your life. Of course you can! No matter how real this idea of ‘true love doesn’t last’ seems to you, know that there are people in love, happy, monogamous and fulfilled right NOW.

If a man has in his belief system that he cannot be happy unless he sleeps with many women, then yes, you’ll be forcing him to do something that doesn’t ‘feel’ right to him by wanting him to be monogamous. And don’t kid yourself thinking that you’ll ‘change’ him. You should never try to change a man.

But also remember that belief systems can change. Most people have a whole lot of contradictions in their belief system. Just because a man doesn’t believe monogamy will make him happy doesn’t mean this belief won’t change. And, whilst you never should try to change a man, you can always plant ‘seeds’ and make suggestions or drop ideas and thoughts in conversation. Ultimately, if you want the best for the other person, there’s nothing wrong with making suggestions.

By the way, we’re not suggesting that everyone has to be monogamous. The purpose of this article is to shed some light on the idea that humans are not meant to be monogamous.

However, you as a woman can also inspire a man to become monogamous with you. This takes a lot more knowledge and advanced skills on your behalf in getting a man to commit.  I talk about this in my program Commitment Control. 

Regardless of what you choose to do, remember, exclusivity and commitment doesn’t always come smoothly or naturally, sometimes you have to step in and “inspire” it from a man!

Renee the feminine woman

36 Comments

  • lindsay

    Reply Reply January 27, 2014

    Wow! Thank you, so much for this. I have to admit, I am ruled so much by fear, that even opening this article gave me fear. But after reading it you surprise me so much! I was almost positive that you were going to say,” a man is going to be programed to want to have sex with many women, and that is normal”, and that I should just be okay with it. I literally found myself saying ,” oh my God thank you Jesus!” Haha. I found myself in a relationship of the father of both of my children. Over the past 6 years there has been some infidelity. there has been some times, where I thought that I would leave. but I told myself that I would give it a chance to see and learn more about how he works as a man. I don’t fully understand infidelity because, I ,myself would never commit it. I think that’s why it has been so heartbreaking for me to fully wrap my head around why. He has cheated on me about 4 times over the past 6 years and every time he said he felt horrible about it and came and told me the truth. He later told me after a breakthrough we had, sitting down and talking, that it was just a need that he felt he had to fill and never meant to hurt me. I still don’t understand hurting the other person that you’re with and would never do that to him but over the years there has been some healing and I do understand that he had a moment of weakness a few times and acted on it. He said that that is the hardest thing for him is saying no to a bad situation. And that is where he found himself in the past. I just want to thank you again, for this article. Thank you.

  • Kathy

    Reply Reply November 2, 2013

    Hey Renee,

    Thanks so much for writing this article. There is so much stuff out there about how men will always want other women and how you can never feel completely safe. The advice then throws on the end “be confident.” I know men can be monogamous but I have a really difficult time when my boyfriend checks out other women.

    I know you say it is okay to notice feminine attributes and I agree. We are all going to find other people attractive. However, it feels like his body language changes when he sees an attractive woman. It just feels terrible that he is being affected by another woman’s looks. I meet all those sexual needs so I guess I am just confused. It also really hurts and since iv’e been with him, my family and friends notice that I have become SO MUCH less confident, insecure and unhappy with myself.

    I know being vulnerable is scary and I know that if I give value he won’t cheat but I can’t help but feel not good enough to him. I think another thing that adds to it is that I don’t really feel loved by him. His words of endearment are next to nonexistent and it really hurts. I love how your blog focuses on what you are giving to the relationship and I have grown so much from this reading your material. However, are some men just not right for us? It just feels like no matter how vulnerable I am, how good I feel about myself before we hang out, I always feel totally deflated when we do hang out. :( I have been working on myself and using so much of your insight but I just don’t feel loved. When do you stop looking at yourself and start looking at the relationship?

    Thank you so much, your work is really inspiring :)

  • Kimberly

    Reply Reply September 19, 2013

    I do not believe in marriage since men are wired for sexual variety. All men constantly fight off the urges to sleep with other women after they have been with the same girl past the honeymoonstage of their relationship. I hate to be blunt and rude, but it is the truth and any woman who believes their man isnt like this is naiive.

    Some women still decide to marry after knowing this. But for me, the idea of being tied down to a guy and doing crap for him, while he is resenting only having me (despite maintaining my looks and treating him well) is a colossal waste of time.

    But then again, Im not sure I ever want kids and I am an extremely independent person…so deciding men arent worth getting married (whats the point of marriage if they want to cheat?…not anything unless youre a golddigger) is not devastating to me.

    • Kathy

      Reply Reply September 23, 2013

      Not all men want to cheat, just how not all women want to cheat. If you read that off some blog somewhere on the internet, I feel your pain. I did a lot of reading online trying to find answers but that blog could have been written by a man who does not want a relationship or maybe he was even deeply hurt as a child or in a relationship. Just because there are theories bopping around out there that state that men look for sexual variety because they evolved that way, firstly that very belief could be taken out of context. Just as many other studies have been taken out of context. I am taking a class on primate nature right now and 90% of it is theory at this point. They really are limited in what they can prove.

      Even if it was true, it doesn’t determine what people choose as humans. We are very different from primates. We feel jealousy, we have articulated language, we feel deep romantic love. There have been studies done on couples who have been together for years and some of them that still feel deeply in love have the same brain activity as those who just fell in love.

      You even mention the instinct that “should” be natural to you as a woman (if we are talking about evolution) and guess what you don’t want kids. Even if you really, deep down, do want kids, some women don’t! That is a perfect example of how an “instinct” does not mean it is reality.

      Yea men like sex (so do women), yea couples are going to find the opposite sex attractive, yea if you are not feeling wanted, loved, sexual in your relationship you are going to notice it in other places. That is people, not just men.

      I hope you give love a chance again, to a good guy. After being with my man for almost 2 years, he has taught me so much! He drives me crazy sometimes but he has stood there through some of my lowest points. He held me when I just felt so afraid I could die. Opening up to love has been a war, a full blown war because I was so resistant to being vulnerable.

      I grew up with a Dad who talked about women as objects, who deceived girlfriends because he wanted to feel wanted, who 2 timed women and who mad it very clear that if some other woman was hot enough, he WOULD cheat. I then chose men who made me feel loved. The only way I felt loved was when a man made me feel attractive. Ironically they were as charming and deceitful as my Dad and what I had always know.

      I chose an amazing man and he is still here holding my hand. Love is so much more than instincts, being vulnerable is so worth the fear and slowly but surely trusting a man has set me free. In so many ways!

      Take Good Care Kimberly <3

  • Holly

    Reply Reply July 2, 2013

    Women’s intuition springs to mind.

    My theory is that if I can imagine a man would cheat, then their is a possibility that my subconscious mind has calculated the out come.

    Of course anyone can cheat in a relationship, that’s just a risk worth taking for a good relationship a ect. It’s sheathed or not I could imagine someone cheating.

    A good example would be a man I saw working in my local, public library. Could I imagine him going out of his way to cheat on someone, the answer is NO!!

    I already know for sure that their are good, honest, decent and attractive loyal men walking this earth. It’s just a case of believing it to be true because then the subconscious mind will just filter for matching believes.

    It’s about being a healthy person to because the law of attraction brings into life, people who vibrate the same energy frequency.

    That’s why I choose to work on myself as a person, to become the right women for the right man.

  • bijan

    Reply Reply March 23, 2013

    In addition you must know monogony concept was brought by men for men not to protect women.It was not about being with one woman.it was about not being responsible for more than one woman whom the man recognized socially as his wife Modern society is not only stripping every right of men in name of fininusm and equality is now by people like you trying to shove a big lie about very truth of mans biology into our heads.Some people are even fooled to believe god and religions advice monogomy that is another huge lie.Non of people who put bible together where minogomist nor Mohammad or any other profit or religion. One thing you can never call obsurd is gunman nature

  • bijan

    Reply Reply March 22, 2013

    You my friend are reflecting feminist movements idiology. Your comments are contrary to every real sientofic study.What ever time we live in and how educated or advanced we might be salt still tastes as it did million years ago.That’s biology and nature.Male humman is not designed to be monogomist at least not monogomist and happy at the same time. It was imposed on men at roman time that’s where we inherited the word romance Study before brain washing people

  • geese

    Reply Reply February 22, 2013

    Hi Kathy — the answer to must all men cheat is “no, not all men are the same”. We are only really as likely to cheat as women. Afterall, in many cases, a woman who would sleep with a man with a wife/girlfriend would cheat on her husband/girlfriend. In fact when I was a single man, I was constantly with women I eventually found out were either married or in a committed relationship. Many more I found out months after that they were in relationships and just fooling around with me. I was young rich, ridiculously fit and single – the type of guy married women feel justified having sex with. As I write this, I recall two married woman who made desparate advances – one started stripping down in front of me with little intro. If it were true that all men found sex irresistable I would have seen this as an opportunity. I didn’t. Instead I felt bad for her. She had just married and was busy telling all her friends earlier about how amazing the honeymoon was. Another lied that she was in an open relationship – until her teenage son called me and begged me to stay away because his dad found out and was crying about it. Then there was the wife of one of my office colleagues who liked to give blow jobs and have sex with his single coworkers in the bathroom at office events. I stayed clear, but many guys didn’t. He was a laughing stock and a figure of pity. It really affected his work life. I’m not much of a “my gender is better than yours” type so I don’t believe women are inherently bad. I think we both have sexual desires and a big brain and can choose which of those we will act on and with whom. Both can stray, both can be faithful. Now I am married and plan on staying monogamous. I was not particularly happy as a single young guy having sex with strange women all the time so this lifestyle suits me now in “middle age” (40). I hope it suits my wife too but I am not foolish enough to think that “she’s a woman so she is good and definitely won’t ever cheat on me”. That’s naïve. I have to work on keeping her faithful just as she has to work to keep me faithful.

  • Kathy

    Reply Reply January 26, 2013

    This the hardest things for me with men. Im so afraid that men will always want other women. Renee, how loyal can you expect a man to be? Even if he doesnt cheat do you p
    think all men fantasize about other women?

  • Rob

    Reply Reply January 8, 2012

    wow. I wish all women thought like you. most men would be faithful, if their wives weren’t so stupid when it comes to sex.

  • Jackie

    Reply Reply November 24, 2010

    interesting article..but I’d like to comment on the opening line “There’s a lot of talk about how monogamy is unnatural and no longer ‘in’ in today’s society.”
    Monogamy wasn’t in throughout history so to speak. Many kings (and queens) had countless lovers and it was even said that King Solomon of Judea had 700 wives and 300 concubines.. or the other way around!
    However, for the average person, this is a problem that has always been dealt with. But the more traditional “hush hush” stigmas from previous generations are fading and the key difference is people being more VOCAL about it now then ever before…

  • oli

    Reply Reply November 5, 2010

    Hey, on a lighter note here.

    Talking of monogamy and polygamy has anyone heard this joke.

    Woman to her Man.

    “Do you love me?”

    Man, “Yes, dear”

    Woman. “More than Adam loved Eve”

    Man, ” Of course, dear, Adam had no choice”

  • Stag-Man

    Reply Reply November 5, 2010

    So why is there this fear, or is the answer obvious (i.e. because they do wonder off lol)?

    I don’t doubt that men have as many fears, they are just as you point out different. I think the one you mention – not being enough – is especially a modern one.

    PS: apologies for the name, ‘Stag-Man’ lol. Just made it up on the spot, not what I generally use as my online nick.

  • Stag-Man

    Reply Reply November 4, 2010

    Hi Renee,
    I based my statement that women are naturally monogamous on the little that I have read about research done into the differences between men and women. (Why Men Don’t Listen & Women Can’t Read Maps). I’m aware that women are interested in different types of men at different times in their cycle. But I would venture to say that despite that, over-all my impression is that they seek a long term stable partner. (The whole nest building thing etc.) I don’t doubt that women seek sexual variety, in fact that explains why they are attracted to the so-called ‘bad-boy’/ ‘rebel’. I agree that one man can be more than one type of man, i.e. roleplay etc. I would say that women are more likely to seek sexual variety and adventure within a stable relationship, and are in fact more likely to feel comfortable exploring their sexualality with one.

    I don’t know about the idea of women being naturally monogamous making men feel better. I see your point how that may make them feel more certain. But from my feeling, and I could be wrong, it tends to be the women seeking certainty and being worried about their man wondering off.

    Saying that the institution of marriage was created by men as prove is a false argument. The institution of polygamous married in Islam for example was also done by men. As was the polygamous nature of pre-Christian societies in Europe. Men held a dominant position at that time in society. The Church has it’s own reason for pushing the idea of monogamous marriage.

    Like I said I don’t doubt, in fact agree that women seek sexual variety. In fact many men may be surprised what women are willing to get up to given the right encouragement ;-). This is in line with the general trend of most women being travel fans, likely to socialise and meet new people, have new experiences etc. Women seek interesting and exiting men, that’s why pick-up artists tell you not to be boring. lol I think it was the book mentioned above which stated that women generally don’t enjoy no-strings, and that if they claim to then they are lying. The book could be wrong, and I personally don’t mind either way. The increased female sexual freedom is of advantage to us men. Considering we men have nothing against the idea of no-strings sex, and generally want to get laid lots – having women who are sexually liberated and not adverse to a no-strings encounter is right down our alley.

    I agree with your point on women having been vilified for being sexually adventurous etc.

    And of course cheating is not justified by being sexually adventourous etc. You can cheat in an open relationship if you break the rules agreed upon, that in essence is what cheating is.

    I’m affraid you have your work cut out for you. Understanding women, especially for men, is not an easy thing lol.I agree thankfully womens sexuality has come a long way!! Women should not be affraid to be sexual, most men have nothing against a sexual women (which is not the same as being a slut). But women should also not be affraid to be honest about their desires. My personal feeling is that yes they want adventure (I’d be interested in why), but that they would prefer to have this within a stable committed i.e. monogamous-like relationship (which may well involve swinging etc.).

    You said you were seeking a fulfilling relationship, thereby seeming to suggest that a non-monogamous relationship is unfulfilling, or likely to be so. I’m assuming you don’t necessarily think so, but just thought I’d point out that being fullfilled doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the type of relationship, but rather with whetherr you are having your needs met/fulfilled etc.

    I agree that every person is different, but nonetheless we are all human, and as such we have underlying drives that apply to us as a species or as a male or female member of that species. There are differences between men and women, and there is nothing wrong with that. Better to be honest and open about these defferences than claim the only difference between men and women is that women can give birth and men can’t. I don’t agree with those feminists who suggest that we should not only have equal opportunities (which I obviously agree with), but that also suggest that there are no inherent biological differences which influences our choices and behavious.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply November 4, 2010

      Hey Stag-man, yes, indeed there are differences between men and women (more correctly, masculine and feminine) – that’s the main reason this blog was created. Every species on earth (bar humans) have been described with the differences between the masculine and feminine in mind. For some reason, humans have been misunderstood – we have mistakenly grouped us together as one type, but in reality, we are like different species.

      Of course many women have fear that their man might run off. This fear in itself is huge and is at the root of much of the so-called nasty things many of us women do.
      Men have just as many fears; at a basic level – that they are not enough – though I can’t say they fear being left as much as a woman does, my point wasn’t related to men or women leaving, it was (as I stated) regarding certainty.

      There are so many aspects to this discussion. Thanks for your input.

      • Kathy

        Reply Reply April 16, 2013

        Hey Renee, I know youre very busy but you feel like my.only hope :’( last nught my guy told me that he notices other hot women more than he has expressed to me. He says imagines them.naked.. ive read and it seems like all guys do this :’( It just hurts me.so much because having a soul mate is one of the buggest things I want in life. Im always trying to work those 17 attraction triggers and look nice. Each week ive been opening up my heart to him more and more and hearing this just tore me apart :’( I just dont know if I can do it, be loyal and completely open to a man who is regularly distracted by other women… maybe im overreacting but I have no problem with porn… its my friends, girls on the street and his coworkers that really hurts. I want to believe it is possible for someone to be so into you but I dont want to be unrealistic either :’( some women seem completely fine with this so I feel a little crazy feeling so betrayed and hurt but its making me wonder if I really have what it takes to be a man’s woman. Thank you for all your inspiration Renee, I hope youare dping well

  • Stag-Man

    Reply Reply October 28, 2010

    The human species is naturally polygamous. Species in which the male is stronger than the female lean towards polygamy. The greater the difference, i.e. the stronger the male, the more polygamous the species is likely to be. In other words the stronger sex is likely to have more mates the stronger they are in comparison to the other sex. In species were the differences between male and female are small or negligible there exists a monogamous relationship. The male does not always have to be the stronger sex. Female Praying Mantis eat their male partner after sex, and they are significantly larger.

    In the book ‘why men don’t listen and woman can’t read maps’, it’s explained that scientific research has revealed men to be comparible to bulls sexually. Both get bored ‘mounting’ the same female after the 7th time, but are ready to go again if presented with a new female.

    The ideal of the monogamous couple arose in 16th century Europe with the rennaisance. Before that it was normal for men not to be monogamous. Non-western societies tend to be more polygamous.

    If men were naturally monogamous then there would be no need for all these social pressures and mechanisms to push them to be. The Church wouldn’t make such a fuss about adultery if it was rare and unlikely to happen.

    Of course men are capable of monogamy, and some may even want it, they are not mindless hormone driven drones. The point is that they need to control their natural instinct to be monogamous. Which means they may occasionally slit up. Women are naturally monogamous, in fact search out such a relationship, and therefore don’t have to control any natural instinct. Which does not stop women from cheating on a level almost equal to that of men. The only difference is that men tend to be repeat offenders.

    • oli

      Reply Reply November 2, 2010

      Interesting comment, enjoyed them, Stag-man.

      Was wondering if I could be a female praying mantis in my next life, ha ha

  • oli

    Reply Reply May 2, 2010

    on the contrary, Renee, I do know a number of women who married out of a need for financial security and they seem to have kept their spouses happy or in some cases wrapped tightly around their finger. A few of them have candidly told me that the trick is to Appreciate, Praise and Flatter their man to keep him addicted. They do admit that what holds them to their man is Money, money, money and they make sure they have a good life.

    Marrying or finding a long term partner in order to get financial stability is very common, more so in some part of the world than others and there are couples who are perfectly happy with this.

    Its not my way of doing this, but my observations lead me to be less judgemental of those who do.

  • Renee

    Reply Reply April 4, 2010

    Hey Alison. Thanks for your perspective :)

    In saying that “there are no guarantees” – have you thought about what message that sends to women?

    If there are no guarantees, then why would we bother to be in a relationship?

    I have also written a post on ‘why you should never try’: http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2010/02/why-you-should-never-try/

    The thing I prefer not to take on board in people like Alex’s perspective is that she would marry not because she was in love, but for ‘financial’ reasons (she said this in her first comment). Sentences like that are motivated by fear. Not to mention she could never truly fulfill a man she was married to if she married for that reason.

  • David

    Reply Reply April 4, 2010

    Hey Alison!

    What do you classify as ‘try’? What does try mean to you?

  • Alison

    Reply Reply April 4, 2010

    I do not find Alex’s mindset selfish. She wants love and she wants children (and as a mother, she will love her children; love does not have to be between a man and woman only!). She is willing to be a pragmatic single mum if she cannot find a happy relationship. It’s lovely to think that every pot has its lid, but there will always be some skillets. I know some amazing, feminine, caring women whose boyfriends and husbands let them down. A loving single parent home is much better than one where the parents are at war, or where the parent keeps dating. Also, in some cultures and families it is considered more dignified and acceptable to be a divorced single mum than to keep looking for love and remarry (society can be cruel to women!). Life is not always black and white. Women can try to be caring and feminine, try to find the best possible man, but there are no guarantees. Even the best men can irredeemably fall from grace.

  • twinkle

    Reply Reply March 25, 2010

    I think having a child alone, on purpose, is rather selfish because humans NEED both parents nearby for their emotional health; but if you’re a single mom, the best thing you can do is have friends that are satisfied in their marriage to expose them to so they could see what married couples are like–especially if you have boys over 8 years old–that’s when they start to separate from the mother,or try to

  • Laura

    Reply Reply March 25, 2010

    Using a man to have a child and get a single mom’s pension is NOT a feminist attitude. It’s irresponsible, selfish and greedy.

    You say that having a family by yourself is the best option for you. But would it be the best option for your future hypothetical child? Maybe you’ve never given a thought about it. How will you answer the ‘Who’s my father?’ question? ‘Oh well, it was just a one-night stand, didn’t care about his name, really.’ Talk about a good start in life.

    You seem to be an ‘all take and no give’ type of person. That’s definitely not the right mindset to be a good parent.

    • A.

      Reply Reply March 9, 2011

      She said nothing about a one night stand. That’s pretty presumptuous. Maybe she would adopt an orphan from a third world country whose parents died of HIV. Compared to how that child may live, being raised by a single mother may well be a “good start in life”. Instead of lashing out at her why don’t you ask her to elaborate?

  • alex

    Reply Reply March 24, 2010

    Renee – you know there are some women that don’t really enjoy being in a relationship. If I was to marry, I fear it wouldn’t be because I was genuinely “in love” with a man, it would probably be because that is the practical thing to do financially. It is expensive to choose to become a single mum on your own.
    However, there is always the single parenting payment (SPP), which is quite a lot of money – enough to live on at least. If I don’t find Mr Right by the time I am 30, then I would rather go it alone and have a family by myself. This would be the better option to me, better than marrying somone I didn’t particularly like or desire.
    Has it occured to you that in our grandparents generation, women were forced to marry for financial reasons, (often to someone they found unnattractive/undesirable). We are no longer forced, and, surprise… many women don’t feel a need to be with a man. They would rather be single and indendent. And thanks to feminism, we have this choice now.
    Everyone wants to meet “the one” and fall madly in love, but as I get older, I realise, this is not a reality for many women. It’s a fairytale, I think you have to take action and make your life happen yourself, with – or without a man.

  • alex

    Reply Reply March 24, 2010

    hmm, I don’t know, I cannot for the life of me find a man I want to settle down with. When I was dating I realised the MAIN reasons I want to be with a man is to a) have a family and b) have financial assistance.
    But then I realised what is the point???
    Why don’t I just become a single mum and get the single mums pension?
    At least you can choose to do that these days – thanks to feminism. I can also choose to work as a single mum, and get paid the SAME as men for the same work – also thanks to feminism. So feminism is not all doom and gloom. It does help in some instances.

    As for men and monogomy – YES they can be monogomous if strict codes are enforced on them by women and society.
    They did a study in primates and found that the larger the testicles of the primate, the more promiscuous they were. The largest balls were found on the primates which were EXTREMELY promiscuous and totally obsessed with mating with as many females as possible. The smaller the testicles of the particular primate species, the more monogomous there were.
    Human testicle size puts human males somewhere betweem the two primate extremes. The testicles are large enough for them to be naturally promiscous, but small enough for them to be monogomous – if strict rules are enforced by women and society – such as marriage and strict penalties for adultery.

  • Renee

    Reply Reply March 14, 2010

    Hey Jasmine :)

    Yes, lots of people want a “quick-fix” to everything these days. It’s MUCH easier to sleep around than to care so much for your spouse, because then all you have to think about is yourself.

  • Jasmine

    Reply Reply March 12, 2010

    Renee, you have no idea how scared I was because I thought you might be pro-..well, the opposite of monogamy. I am such a strong believer in two people being together their whole lives, or at least doing EVERYTHING THEY CAN to make it work. I am so glad you are standing up for this point, because the whole idea that men just have “needs” and that one woman can’t fill them is ruining our society!! So thank you!

  • Renee

    Reply Reply March 6, 2010

    @Meg: Thank You for those pointers. I completely agree that a man needs Appreciation, Admiration and Acceptance :)

    By the way, your blog is lovely, and I also enjoyed ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ and ‘Girl with a Pearl Earring’.

    @BelleVeritas: Thanks for referring us to ‘Mating in Captivity’. It sounds very interesting!

    I couldn’t agree more with couples needing a sense of mystery. Yes, women need to be a bit more mysterious, and so do men. Most people settle for that ‘comfort’ level in their intimate relationship.

    I do have to say that some couples just have a knack for being amazingly passionate for life. But, I think subconsciously, those couples have a huge amount of integrity and hold themselves to a high standard, and just really care for their spouse at such a high level.

    And, yes, depolarization is such an easy trap to fall in to. BUT, it’s just as easy to increase the polarity in your relationship. Just by understanding the masculine and feminine energies.

  • BelleVeritas

    Reply Reply March 6, 2010

    Esther Perel explores in her bestseller “Mating in Captivity” ways to restore missing passion and desire in comfortable, secure emotionally intimate relationships. She says both genders need a sense of mystery and, yes, as you indicated INSECURITY to maintain the desire and passion in close, committed relationships.

    My sweetie and I dressed up like Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big the other night for a costume party. He looked so handsome in his tux and got a lot of attention from the other women party guests. And it sure reignited my fire ! hehe

    Perhaps I’ll post more when I finish her audibook. Meantime, I’d enjoy more commentary on this subject. It is a major cause of relationship dissatisfaction, estrangement, separation and divorce.

    I’d like to share more ideas on how successful long-term couples keep those passion embers burning. I have a tendency to depolarize into wonderful but merely warm best friendships with my mates. *sigh*

  • Meg

    Reply Reply March 6, 2010

    Hello Renee! I’ve read your posts and really like your site. I’ve been married for 1.5 years and am very happy, but my personality always makes me seek more ways to keep the fires going, so to speak! If you haven’t read Laura Doyle’s “The Surrendered Wife,” I HIGHLY recommend it. I picked it up at the library on a whim several years ago and it launched me on the feminine path. This from a former independent tomboy. :)

    Anyway, about monogamy … I do believe men can be happily monogamous, but it takes their girlfriend/wife to be aware of their emotional power to keep their men happy. That’s the real key. The woman is the emotional ‘expert’ in the relationship, so we are responsible, in a big way, for keeping our guys happy. In return, they want us to be happy and that makes us happy. We give to them so they can give back to us. It’s a strange but natural cycle. I keep my hubby happily monogamous by doing two things:
    1. I have a life. I have plenty of things to keep me occupied and pleasantly busy. This accomplishes many things: makes me more interesting, makes me ‘mysterious’, and I’m happier overall.
    2. Practice the three A’s: appreciation, admiration, and acceptance. Guys need these three A’s more than they need love and affection. It’s weird to me, but it’s true. However, once hubby receive the three A’s, then he gives me love. How great is that?

    I hope this helps your readers who want a monogamous guy!

    • LaRhonda

      Reply Reply January 17, 2011

      Please tell me if I am discerning properly. It sounds as if you are placing the burden FIRST upon the woman to make her man happy and then he will make us happy. Is that what you are messaging?
      Thanks. :)

    • A.

      Reply Reply March 9, 2011

      I really think it goes both ways. Men can be emotionally intelligent, just like women. Men can give first and then receive, just like women. There isn’t any reason it shouldn’t be equally reciprocal in that regard between the sexes.

      My ex-partner was such a sensitive guy. He was much more reasonable than me most of the time and guided us emotionally at times when I leaned more toward being unreasonable and irrational. I don’t necessarily think that the woman is the “emotional expert” in the relationship. I read so much stuff like this where women try to claim a superior skill above their man and then apply it as a universal rule to both sexes. Men are emotional. They can be just as in touch as women. Society has all these standards, roles, expectations, stereotypes, etc. and everyone likes to claim how women are emotional and men are.. what rational? Intelligent? Heh. Think about it. It goes both ways. If I’m with a man who is emotionally retarded, we’re doomed. I need an equal, not an emotionally stunted lesser being.

  • Renee

    Reply Reply March 5, 2010

    You just made me LOL Twinkle. I think every woman has had that problem, haven’t we?

    Despite having a huge wardrobe, we STILL manage to struggle finding ‘something to wear’! :)

    And, I see that you’re referring to the ‘variety’ aspect of things in a relationship.

  • twinkle

    Reply Reply March 5, 2010

    This is one reason I think that women change their look once in a while: different looks and diferent styles. It’s subconscious: (I have a closet full of clothes and cant find anything to wear)

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