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Article updated 2018
Are men really more attracted to the flighty type of women over the strong and successful type?
Veronica asks Trevor: “I saw a study the other day that said that men are more attracted to dumb women, and that intelligent women are seen as problematic in a relationship. Do you see this as true?”
Trevor: Well, men like to be right, and intelligent women can stop them feeling that way in a relationship.
This conversation reflects exactly the kind of views many people have in the world, based on my experience. Specifically, the view that a woman being intelligent is a problem – only because the man wants control over her or because he has a big ego. Even men sometimes think this way.
But they haven’t thought about it further than that.
This can be an extremely boring, superficial conclusion to make though.
What Trevor really meant when he said ‘men like to be right’ is:
Men are the ones who try to be in control all the time, and men are driven to like the higher status that being in control brings. It is also the masculine equilibrium where their body feels the best, and most natural: it is consistent with the masculine person: being in control makes a masculine person more masculine, it doesn’t make him more feminine.
Remember Christian in 50 Shades of Grey? “oh I exercise control in all things, miss Steele.” It’s kind of a hot moment. And it’s portrayed as hot to the audience, in the movie. Or maybe I’m just weird for thinking it’s a hot moment.
So – if the woman a man is with is having to be the intelligent one, then she’s likely to also be wanting to be the in control one in the relationship. That’s no ‘problem’ per se – it’s just not as attractive and inspiring for a high value, successful man. It doesn’t make him fall in love, want to commit and it doesn’t make the sex passionate and mind-blowing.
Why do men, in some circumstances, feel more attraction for a less successful, less intelligent woman, if the two are compared?
Think of the damsel in distress. She’s not being smart, even if she is actually smart in other contexts.
Think of the dumb blonde, and think of the airhead, or the ditzy girl. She might not be acting very smart, but she’s amusing, a turn on, and if she’s radiant and comfortable being out of control of life, then she’s very attractive.
Is it true that men have less attraction for the strong and successful type?
I want to be clear on definitions: I am grouping together intelligence, strength and success as similar traits for the purpose of this post, as they often go together.
To answer the question of why men do feel more attraction for the less ‘smart and successful’ ones, I want to establish one thing:
A lot of people tend to think it’s because..‘he’ (the man) cannot match an intelligent woman’s intelligence. Maybe he’s threatened! Maybe he wants the sex to come easily and conveniently, without having to think. Maybe he just doesn’t think much of himself and what he has to offer, so he wants a woman who totally relies on him, to have perceived control.
Meh. These aren’t reasons pertained to attraction, though: these are reasons related to a man’s personality and values – not attraction. And attraction is the topic we are currently talking about. (I will address why some men choose more successful and in control women shortly).
Regardless of a man’s personality, the principles for attraction remain the same: in men and women, differences cause attraction and passion. So, for attraction to occur, in general; you’ll have a radiant human being (not in control, as radiance isn’t in control), and a strong and present human being who is attracted to the radiant human being.
Two highly radiant humans aren’t usually attracted to each other, and neither are two very present, masculine human beings; there has to be the difference for the ‘spark’ of attraction to exist.
(What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…)
The other layer of truth…
There is another layer of truth to this question of why men feel more attraction to the woman showing up as less intelligent than the woman who is showing up as smart, successful and in control.
That layer of truth involves accepting that in many cases, a woman’s actual intelligence is not the problem – women are taught to believe that it is the problem, and so they sometimes get angry at men, blaming them for not being able to ‘handle’ a smart woman.
Well, that’s good for the smart woman’s ego – but it’s not good for being truthful about the matter.
The truth is that when we use our smarts and success as a ‘mask’ to be worthy of the very love that we crave, we can’t be attractive and inspiring to the men we want to be attractive to, because it’s impossible; we’re not even being our natural selves; if we were being who we are (which came effortlessly before we started using success to make lots of money and to make ourselves feel worthy), then attraction would not ever be a problem.
Have you seen the movie Avatar? Isn’t it just a beautiful movie?
Remember Neytiri, the main female character? Remember how grounded, wide and wild her feminine energy was? Yes, we are not of her ‘species’, but she had that natural energy of a tribal kind of woman who had something to fight for, something to believe in that she truly, naturally cared about. It wasn’t that she spent her days being something she is not.
She was and is so sexy, and so inspiring, because she’s present with her depth, her natural ‘cat-like’ feminine nature.
We have lost a lot of that for the sake of bringing in an income and for fitting in to today’s world. It’s ok, it’s necessary; but it’s not necessary to be ignorant of this fact and its potential consequences.
If we aren’t in our true relaxed nature, we can still be good looking, but we wouldn’t be our infinitely attractive selves, inspiring the man we choose to devote ourselves to.
A man’s lack of attraction to smart and intelligent women isn’t about the intelligence…
In this layer of truth, men’s feelings of attraction towards a not-in-control, apparently dumber woman has nothing to do with the fact that the ‘smarter’ woman possesses success and intelligence, it has everything to do with the fact that she shows up mostly as that successful and intelligent personality when she is with him. It IS her. So – her natural ‘cat-like’ nature as you see in Neytiri, is no longer free to surface anymore.
Remember: It’s about how the woman shows up around her lover, or around men in general.
And remember – we are talking about attraction. Attraction as a natural, normal part of life, isn’t something we cannot control.
We don’t get to control that attraction occurs when two opposite energies exist, or when two people, same sex or not, are in opposite roles.
This does not mean that your man will always be attracted to other women when he’s fallen in love with you! It just means that you can’t expect him to fall in love with you, or want to make love to you for being intelligent.
Being ‘smart’ or having the identity of being smart makes women feel in control, and it’s the closure and the defensiveness that sometimes comes with the need to be worthy and smart that makes a woman not able to get a commitment, and having trouble finding men who are emotionally inspired by, and attracted to her.
What about smart, intelligent women inspires less feelings of attraction in men?
Smart women, like all humans, have a personal identity – a concrete subconscious idea of who they think they are.
If they think they’re smart, they have to fight tooth and nail to maintain that identity.
One thing I have heard Anthony Robbins say a few times now, is: “the most powerful force in the human psyche is people’s need for their words and actions to stay consistent with their identity – how we define ourselves.”
The problem is not a woman’s intelligence. It’s that her main identity is that she is smart and got it handled, and she boxes herself in to that identity in most areas of her life; with men too.
Some of the smarter, more intelligent women do this too much – especially when she is with people, because she needs to feel worthy before she can surrender to the scary, changing nature of relationships and connection. She doesn’t like uncertainty.
And the lesser known truth that some of us women don’t want to admit – is that she wants to dominate people, to avoid being out of control. She wants power, more than connection, more than she values her own vulnerability. She’s got something to prove (danger ahead! The more you have to prove things to people, the less real relationships that you will attract).
I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with any of this (wanting to dominate) – what is wrong is that we try to avoid being honest about it – we cover up our underlying needs and vulnerabilities like we’d get eaten by a bear if we were to reveal our true fears – and when we avoid being honest about our motivations in relationships – we become doik swotches (my word for idiot), because we are too busy defending ourselves to open to other questions, and to other solutions and choices for our already short lives.
How the intelligent and successful woman can mistakenly neglect her love life
So, this kind of ‘intelligent and successful’ woman meets virtually all of her needs by being smart and intelligent, and in the process, she rejects any flighty, cat-like, youthful and feminine, bubbly, girly and out of control personality inside of her, even in her relationships with men. It is like a total resistance to letting her body surrender to this type of personality – which can exist inside of her during out of control moments.
She assumes the other non intelligent parts to her should not exist and if they do, then she is not enough, or deserving of love. She closes up, in other words.
After all, other women laugh at us when we have a stupid moment. They feel like they’re not enough, so they ridicule us for seeming stupid. (Whatever, I’m ok being stupid. I have many stupid moments and I’m pretty sure it’s not because I’m not enough; it’s because well, I am actually stupid in those moments. I just don’t feel the need to block out my stupid parts.)
Smart women can become smart and intelligent at the cost of their vulnerable radiance; and this causes problems where attraction and getting a commitment is concerned.
And most women who have read up on this, now know that closing up doesn’t inspire attraction (of course, there are many situations in life where closing up is something you should do – when you feel physically threatened, and perhaps when you’re with someone you don’t trust, but that’s another discussion altogether).
So, in valuing being the intelligent, successful one, she values her ego, and control, more than she values connection with a man (notice how men also have large egos, and want to be in control?). It can be very, very difficult for a woman to drop this once she decides she has to be like that, because it is so painful to melt our own identity and instead let ourselves lose control a little in a relationship with a man.
“Why should I have to dumb myself down for a man!”
“Why should I have to dumb myself down for a man!”
You’ve heard other women say this, haven’t you?
Well, when we say that, we’re not really saying that: we are saying: “I don’t want to feel like everything I’ve worked so hard for actually makes me not enough as a human being”.
But isn’t it funny that nothing can make you not enough?
If you’re not sick of the epidemic of humans feeling like they aren’t enough; I am! It twists my nerves in all sorts of wrong directions. How can a human being be not enough?
How can YOU, ever be not enough? Look at what you’ve contributed to the world, to the people around you, already, just by existing. Wake up, you beautiful human!
We are born enough. The only reason to pursue success is to be more enough; to convince ourselves that we exist as a separate, super awesome human being, and that is the problem: unless we pursued what we pursued because love drove us to do it – we’re only doing it to be enough, to separate ourselves from other people we don’t want to be like, or of course, to pay the bills and provide for our family.
We are enough when we are born. We don’t get born because we’re not enough; it just does not work that way. Each human is unique and primed to add their own gifts to the world.
BE more flighty and out of control?
I’m sure for many of you smart ladies out there, you just hate hearing that – it’s a terrifying thing to read somewhere that you’ve got to be more ‘dumb’ or ‘flighty’, let’s say.
But isn’t it funny that I am not actually suggesting that?
I’m not saying you have to dumb yourself down to get a man. That still assumes that being the smart and successful version of you, is the wrong thing to do and that it is a mistake in dating to do that. It is not! It is still ok to be this way!
You can be as smart and intelligent and ass-kicking as any other human!
I’m only asking for your consideration: Can you let yourself be less in control?
You just can’t reject the other ‘out of control’ women inside of you anymore, the ones whom you’ve ignored and left in the corner cowering and starving for attention.
Don’t you think it’s a dirty deed to pull on yourself; to favour some parts of you and then starve the other parts? Some of them are little girls still, needing the ‘ok’ from her older sister to shine on.
You know, the parts daddy didn’t like? The parts mummy didn’t like because you were being too much of a “drama queen”? (really, you were just more work when you were out of control and that’s inconvenient for parents. You were never wrong for being any part of you). I promise. Well, unless you stabbed and killed someone.
How men develop emotional attraction for you and fall in love
The thing with attraction is that in order for a high value, intelligent man to be attracted to you – I repeat – a high value man – he’s not going to be attracted to you for being intelligent, and he’s not going to fall in love with you for being intelligent, unless he genuinely enjoys being less in control and intelligent than you.
Your intelligence is more likely to create a friendship, rather than a mutually exciting and passionate relationship.
And this is even more true if the man has reasonable intelligence, comprehension of the world, direction and success in his own life.
Great men who are present, intelligent and take responsibility, don’t fall in love or feel emotional attraction for a woman if a woman is wanting to be intelligent and in control all the time, because she doesn’t display any real emotions (unique to her) that he is able to connect with and dive deeper into, and be fascinated by.
There is just ‘nothing there’ to incite feeling of deep connection and attraction in him, even if she is good looking.
And the real emotions and your ‘out of control’ airhead moments are a sign of aliveness; of radiance. He already has enough intelligence and control in his life, it’s not of ‘value’ to him, to try to get that in a woman.
What IS intelligence, actually?
Ahh. Now we’re talking. In politically incorrect terms.
Well, broadly speaking, intelligence is about survival, and sex. That is, getting sex and passing on our genes.
Intelligence, as considered by the professor David Buss’s research on mating strategies, is a sign that someone can reliably provide resources. And of course, intelligence also encompasses the skill of resourcefulness. Ie: money.
This takes ‘being in control’.
This takes objectivity (a highly masculine-energy oriented trait).
And so, traditionally (and biologically), women are attracted to intelligent men for the resources they can secure.
Men who admire a woman’s intelligence, and choose marriage to her, sometimes have to dull their own highly attractive, male ego and need to dominate and have control in his life. (Pussy-whipped. Fearful. Got his balls in a woman’s jar. That kind of thing)..
And the cost is attraction in his relationship.
It’s not wrong, it pays the bills in the world where two partners need to bring in 50/50 income.
What if you date men who are less intelligent than you?
Now – if you are much more intelligent than the man you are dating, he might be attracted to that in you – attracted to your objectivity, to your sense of being in control. This can create attraction, of course, as you’re in control and he is less so.
However, often, the men who are attracted to the successful and in control ‘you’ are the cuter ones. The ones who are softer, sometimes without a purpose. So, they’re inspired by your direction and strength.
(I have experienced this before, and it scared my pants off. I really like to admire a man’s direction and strength, more than I admire my own direction and strength, even if I have plenty of it. Hah. not really.)
In my bias – and I really am biased, because my work is about attraction – it’s only a good thing for you to choose to be with a man like that if you don’t feel like you’re settling for a “lesser” man when you are with him, or lesser a depth of attraction and passion than your heart wants.
You could ask yourself: Do I find a whimsical, maybe lazy man who is much less intelligent than me attractive, and would that bring out my sexual passion, and make me feel grateful for what I have?
Also, would I enjoy being the one to make many of the decisions?
Would I be jealous of the woman whose man does everything for her, kisses her forehead and looks at her like she’s his ‘one and only‘, watches her like he can’t take his eyes off her – while I have a softer, ‘less intelligent than me’ kind of man?
It’s not uncommon today: many high powered women are going for a ‘toy boy’, less strong and directed man, as it serves the woman’s career – and these men can make reliable companions and fathers. I think these types of relationships are just as important as any other in the world: I’m just biased towards valuing attraction and passion; because our true nature gets to be alive and we get to feel infinite that way.
(Again, 50 Shades of Grey, anyone? Why are we doing one thing day-to-day, and then falling in love with 50 Shades of Grey by our bedside lamp at night! Something we’re not letting surface in ourselves?)
The airhead, out-of-control parts are worthy too!
So, while being intelligent and successful and showing up that way can never be the wrong thing to do – it’s just your journey, what you might want to consider, is that the ditzy, out of control ladies/personalities inside of you have been disowned – for good reason. You had to be smart and make a life for yourself.
But you can’t disown all the other parts of yourself any longer.
We often block this wild energy out of fear of being too slutty, too sexy, too infinite, too beautiful, too threatening, and too wild. How funny, because men are craving it from you. And you need to choose the right one to give it to (don’t just give this natural gift of yours to any random douche!)
What a woman – you – might want to do is to trust the out of control, sensitive parts of you to come out, and to connect, because they are so much better at inspiring a man’s love and devotion to you, so much better at creating sexual fun, sexual attraction, wildness, out of control beauty that can only happen with a man and a woman who are total opposites (but also have commonalities through life when the passion ebbs and flows).
Does this mean that highly intelligent men do not want an intelligent woman?
An intelligent, high value man, would love nothing more than to find a successful, intelligent woman to take care of, who is also energetic, feminine, youthful, bouncy, sexy, and emotionally open.
Highly intelligent men do want intelligent, successful women! But the woman is only ‘high value’ for a relationship in a man’s world if she is just as beautiful and feminine as she is successful and intelligent. (Remember that the highest value men have to invest a lot and risk a lot to be in a committed relationship).
She has to let herself be as beautiful as she is intelligent. If not, more beautiful than she is intelligent, for a successful, intelligent man to perceive high value in her for committed relationship.
Note: I said beautiful, not good looking. Beauty is radiance and aliveness. Think Neytiri in Avatar.
Men are not the (whole) problem…
Men are not the (whole) problem. The biggest problem lies with us wanting to make men the problem; we lose touch with our own sense of responsibility for attraction, and that’s only a problem if we do want a relationship. If you aren’t interested in relationship, then this doesn’t apply to you.
(Click here to learn in depth about how to be more attractive: http://shenwademedia.com/offer/17-attraction-triggers/)
A lawyer can let herself be so free and flowing that she comes across as ditzy sometimes, and she can be ok with it.
An army officer female who hasn’t cried in a year can let go and make it ok to cry for hours. Here. Today. While she’s reading this.
A secretary chained to her desk all day, all uptight and spent after a day of work, can take a long hot bath and masturbate herself to a beautiful, flowering, open feminine woman, undenying of her heart’s true desire.
An angry ass feminist that wants to blame men for being pigs can break down and cry and admit to herself that there is another part of her that has badly wanted love and connection and freedom…this whole time.
Even though she spends her waking days being defensive, all for the very image….who did it really impress in the end? And at what cost to her heart?
Being smart and successful gives MEN a huge reproductive payoff, not as much for women
Remember, by comparison – again, by comparison – being intelligent gives men a greater reproductive payoff (more sex, more mates, better quality mates) than it does for women.
You could consider that intelligence is a masculine trait, which women and men both have. It doesn’t mean women shouldn’t have this trait, it just means that men respect this trait in you, rather than wanting to take care of, or have sex with this trait in you.
What creates attraction is opposite energy. Highly masculine individuals, if talking strictly in definitions, are more objective than very feminine individuals, and to be intelligent requires objectivity and disconnection from emotional storms inside and emotional ties within the human body.
Women who spent most their social and relationship time in objectivity and wanting to be respected and intelligent, tend to trigger respect in men. But that is respect, not necessarily emotional attraction and fascination.
In research done by David Buss, professor of Psychology at the University of Texas in Austin, all over the world, women largely prefer the more intelligent man.
Guess how much men are found to value intelligence in a woman? Well, not as much as women find it high value in a man.
And honestly, men may find it valuable not from an attraction perspective, but from a ‘team work’, ‘raising the kids well’ perspective. It’s about the 50/50 relationship working out well.
As I said earlier, a woman who is intelligent and successful is high value to a man if she is just as radiant and feminine as she is successful, if not more radiant and feminine.
I don’t believe in blaming anybody for being the more successful/intelligent one in a relationship. In fact, I am sure you already know, that it’s getting harder to find a man who is more successful than you in today’s world.
More women are having to make it work and find fulfilment in relationships with a man who is less successful and resourceful than they are; and it’s very possible.
I only want to put forth the question: for the sake of attraction, and for life to be a little more infinite – is it time to let go and allow the less in-control parts of you to be seen, and light up the life of a man? The ditzy, mistake-making, connection-oriented, emotional, cute parts of you?
I’m only here to help where I can, I am nobody to tell you what is right for you.
Thank You for reading!
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