Don’t Expect a Man to Put more “Effort” in to Your Relationship than You

Whenever I suggest something like this, I risk a whole hoard of women hating me.

Enough women hate my message as it is….and yet, it’s when I suggest this that I really feel women digging their nails in to me…

(Almost as if I have betrayed them, and I am working against women.)

Quite the contrary.

When I say this, I say it from a place of understanding of masculine men 

I say it because I intend for more women in the world to have more happiness in their relationships with men.

How Men Think

I do my best to communicate my best intentions in every piece of writing that I do, but I’m not able to clearly communicate everything to every woman reading.

All I want is for women to experience the same freedom from their fears I have learned to experience in my interactions with men.

To stop feeling like victims and actually keep a good relationship with a man, rather than break up with a man, later realising that the man did care about her.

Before we move on, here’s a popular article about WHY Men Don’t Put More Effort Into The Relationship.

CLICK HERE to discover how much you truly live in your feminine energy with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!

How is it REALLY, for Men?

Here’s the thing about men who are born with more masculine hormones; and are therefore, in nature, masculine men.

Relationship is not their specialty. It simply isn’t.

Men care about having a relationship, and want a relationship, but they don’t come with the instinctive understanding about how to communicate and express love the way women might.

They don’t intitutively understand that you want them to resonate with you, to feel what you feel, and to be there for you, wholeheartedly.

(In fact, some men assume that when a crisis occurs in your life, you may even need isolation and space! And so they may pull away and give you space.)

(Click here to get the “Goddess Report”)

Women are simply better intuitively at understanding relationships and developing closeness with other humans than men are.

In fact, women have a bias towards forming an emotional attachment to a man early.

(This is for our survival, and because we carry the womb and the child, we need it for emotional safety.)

But remember, men don’t have the bias for seeking out this safety as much as you do, in order to function at their peak and to continue their lives normally.

Now, there are a lot of cold and callous women out there who don’t have the compassion to have any relationship at all.

They couldn’t even hold a relationship with a frog. But that’s their own fear taking over their life, and they are certainly not living in their feminine energy, that’s for sure.

Men want relationships, but they may not know how to go about it.

They don’t generally talk spend nearly as much time talking about intimate details of their relationships with other men, and sometimes they don’t even think to do that.

It’s great for the men who do talk about it, but most men just don’t. See these 5 insights on men that I wrote about…

CLICK HERE to LEARN the One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Masculine Man That Inspires Him to Want to Take Care of You, Worship You and Deeply Commit to You.

Why Men Just Aren’t as Intuitive when it comes to Relationships…

A single man might think about a deeply emotionally committed relationship and having one, say 1-10% of the amount that a single woman would.

Men simply have different reproductive agendas than women do.

What does that mean exactly?

Well, it means that most human males have different biases than human females do.

It means that they don’t always see that investing emotionally in the relationship is as worth their time as say…gathering resources, building a business, and conquering things or solving problems is.

See, for many women, it’s generally well understood that if we have a good relationship; then we are successful.

Other women look at and observe our relationship. We compare relationships, we compare mate quality, we compare how much another woman’s man does for us compared to what our man does for us…

For a man, nobody truly cares if he has a great relationship apart from his woman. And perhaps his parents (who are already possibly heavily invested in his health and happiness).

For a man, his success is judged by how much he has achieved (money, status, career, influence, social dominance, etc).

Now think about this:

WHO thinks about relationships more? Men or women?


Who do you think is going to be more successful and in tune to relationship problems?

The person who thinks about it more or the person who thinks about it less?

That’s for you to answer.

Here’s something interesting:

For women who don’t have a happy relationship in their life just yet, many of them read books that involve romance.

They watch movies that involve romance. They FILL UP their need for relational happiness with romance novels and dramatic movies. Or they talk about their relationship; or about the single life with their friends.

And yet….do you see many single men with romance novels?

Didn’t think so.

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

Relationship is OUR Specialty

For a feminine woman; we are driven to seek out relationships.

It IS our specialty. We read subtle body language, subtle tones in spoken words (feminine energy actually hears primary mood and tone) and we can talk for hours.

But get this:

Unless a man has been trained or had plenty of experience – he won’t even notice subtle body language or subtle changes in a woman’s tone of voice.

Even if he does become conscious of it – he can’t compute in his mind that you want him to actually come forward and work out what you want or mean.

(In other words, give you more attention and reassurance that he is there for you).

For example:

You’re out at a party one night, and a woman who has always been a bitch to you comes up to you and makes some snide remark that is passive aggressive like ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’ in a condescending tone.

After she leaves, you say to the man you’re with “oh my gosh, did you hear the way she said that?! She’s such a bitch!” and he looks blankly back at you, not understanding what you mean and not seeing what just happened.

CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!

As Long as Everyone is Fed…

See, all these little details in communication between people are not a man’s domain. He doesn’t care, as it doesn’t coincide with his life’s mission; which is to win, to get something done and to get to the point.

A lot of men think that as long as he works hard to provide, that this is enough, and the woman will be happy. Obviously, women know that’s not true.

To a man, this is effort. This is HIS form of effort. Not yours.

To a man, if a woman is upset or angry, and he sees that everyone is well fed and seems to have access to enough resources….his brain can’t understand her being upset! SHE must be crazy!

She must be…she’s crying in a situation that I wouldn’t cry in. That’s how men think.

What I am suggesting you try to understand is this:

I’m not saying Men don’t put EFFORT in, I’m saying, men may not put effort in to a relationship the way YOU want him to. That can take a man time to learn.

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. CLICK HERE to find out what they are.

Women get by on Subtle Relations and Communication… Men Don’t

Now, by the way, sometimes, if you’re lucky, a man might have picked up on this subtle energy from the nasty woman saying ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’…usually though, he wouldn’t have.   And you are left feeling lonely because he doesn’t understand the devastation you had to just go through with that awful woman.

It’s quite funny really. Communication between women (especially OUTSIDE of the work force, and outside of other masculine environments), mostly occurs in an ‘implication’ type of way…we imply what we mean, we make suggestions or go around in circles beating around the bush (talk about our feelings rather than list a problem directly) until someone else paraphrases what we’re saying…until someone indicates that they are willing and able to understand our words and thoughts.

This doesn’t happen with men. Men are direct. And what I’ve learned is, what a woman thinks is direct is STILL not direct in a man’s mind!

See my article on the one masculine skill all women need in dating…

how to stay high value

Women Communicate Indirectly

And it’s a huge frustration for many, many men, dealing with women….wishing and wondering why women just can’t TELL him what it is that she wants…but if you were to ask a feminine woman, we don’t WANT to do that.

We can learn to do that…but we have massive resistance to doing that, because it’s not natural in our physical body; OR because we feel that the directness will get us hurt, or hurt a man’s feelings.

It took me years to realise this…I can now communicate my wants to my man more directly if it is needed (not always, I prefer to be indirect and see if he picks up on it…luckily, after so many years together with my husband and a ridiculously good understanding of women, my man picks up on around 50% of my ‘implied meanings’) ie: “it’s starting to smell in the kitchen… it’s actually starting to smell a bit like trash.’

And he will almost always say: ‘I’m taking the trash out now.’ And we look at each other and laugh, because I still couldn’t find it in me to say ‘take the trash out now David’. My instinctive way of interacting is indirect communication. It’s like I don’t even think and what comes out of my mouth is an indirect communication…

I’m just (very subconsciously) hoping the person I’m talking to cares enough to figure out what I mean.

CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!

Why shouldn’t you Expect a Man to put More “Effort” in to your relationship than You?

I believe that the very desire in us women to have men put more effort in to a relationship is a lie. That’s what we SAY we want, but what we really MEAN, is that we just want to know we have a man’s commitment. We want him to tell us we have his commitment, repeatedly, for the rest of our life.

Yet, men are often far too clueless about women’s need for reassurance and security to ever pick up on our NEED for that, that we get more and more frustrated, and the more frustrated we get, the more we try to ‘talk’ about things with a man….which leads us to think that our talking is ‘working’ on the relationship..but it’s not.

Talking to another FEMALE is ‘working’ on your relationship or friendship with HER…it’s not classified as working on a relationship with a man.

Sure, sometimes, talking to a man, in some contexts, will work to get a certain result.

But…it’s the way we communicate that makes most of OUR OWN efforts to make a relationship better with men a waste of energy.

If the other person cannot receive your communication in a way that they need to hear’ve already failed at communicating. And it’s not fair to assume that men should just get us. That they should just get what we are saying.

(Again, men usually use words ONLY to hold conversations that have an actual POINT.)

We think he should talk to us more or show us more love…but what you have to understand is, all this talking and demanding that he put “more effort” in to the relationship doesn’t work in your favour, with men.

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

If more commitment and more love is really what you want, then you need to understand these three things:

1) Relationships are YOUR domain, not his. If he’s masculine. He NEEDS you, to be patient and to reward EVERYTHING great that he ever does, in order for him to start and do more of the right thing. He needs you to be there for him in that way.

Most men are totally happy alone. So they don’t often ‘get’ what is a good thing to do with a woman and what is a bad thing to do…

Have you ever noticed that very masculine men rarely feel the need to ‘call up’ their male friends to talk? Have you ever noticed that men get by without really contacting a lot of their circle of friends?

Masculine energy is at home alone…so they can go years without contacting family members or friends and still be ok.

My father was like this. My husband is no different, either. Masculine energy is at home being by itself. It’s ok living on an island for days, weeks, and months alone. It’s ok to meditate in a cave for days on end and forget about contacting you (really).

And here’s the shocking part: A LOT of men won’t even understand that you needed him to contact you when he was away or working.

2) ‘Work’ and ‘Effort’ is not what you need to put in. Understanding is, compassion is. And, almost always far more compassion than you think.

Most women’s idea of work is to talk and discuss and to dramatize things, hoping that her man will give her the response she wants (usually, more of his presence, more of his love, and reassurance that he loves her and won’t leave her).

Effort can mean anything. Work can mean anything. You could could put lots of ‘effort’ in to scratching your butt for an hour every day, but who would that benefit and what positive consequences would that have?

And don’t talk to me about how my advice is killing women because some men are just a**holes. This is taking what I am saying out of context. If he’s truly an a**hole and you don’t want to be with him, then you can choose not to be with him. I’m saying: having compassion for males is INDEPENDENT of your selection of a certain male, and whether you choose to be with a sleazebag or not.

The most basic spiriutal advice that anyone (and any book) can give is to have compassion, even for the people who have hurt you. It doesn’t mean I’m telling you to be patient with a total assbag. It just means; try developing some compassion even AFTER you’ve broken up with him.

It’s just a little try, that’s all I’m asking of you. After all, a little try is actually more than most women will do when it comes to men. Because it’s too scary to open to the possibility of compassion for *gasp* a MAN.

It’s funny how people make the mistake of thinking compassion is for the other person. It’s not; compassion is for YOU.


Trade ‘talking and discussing’ as your idea of ‘putting a lot of effort in’ for simple reinforcement of men’s good actions with your happiness!

3) If you want a masculine man, then expect relationship problems. Expect fights and expect extreme frustration. The more masculine a man is, the more different you are, so the more clashes you will have. (But don’t NOT expect bliss and the happiest time of your life). 

If you want things to be easy, then don’t have a relationship.

If you want things to be easy, then a wussy man might be what you want. If not a wussy man, then maybe a more feminine man. And even then, you’ll find it hard if you are feminine inside….because every cell in your body is actually hoping and willing for this man to be more masculine, have more direction, and be more present with you.

Men need YOUR help…

But if a very masculine man is what you want…you have to understand and respect that he needs YOUR help to be in the relationship with you. This idea of how to ‘help’ is something I go in to  in my Understanding Men Program.

In this program (my personal favourite of all our programs), I show you many ways to be closer to a man…from how to open him up to how to still be a woman and have your connection needs met without a man pulling away from you.

The takeaway from this article is this:

Men need your help to be in a loving relationship with you. This ‘help’ comes in many forms. The BEST place to start is by positively reinforcing all the GREAT things he does in a relationship with you, yes, even if it is small.

Thanks for reading! If you have any opinions or comments…leave them below! And if you liked the article, leave a comment just saying hi! I love hearing from you!

renee wade what to do when he doesn't call

P.S. If you liked this article, CLICK HERE to check out my full article archives! Or you may greatly benefit from one of our highly popular paid programs, CLICK HERE to see what we offer right now.

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We all need to grow up as adult that can pay our bills, wash herself without someone else doing it for us, clean and make project. Some men get to enjoy the benefit to have someone else serving their interest in several level like a mum but find it too much to have a faith partner that also do his part to do his bit as away to also add value to your life . We women are not here to serve the male species in anyway or form. This should be an equal interest that benefit both parties. If… Read more »


I’ve been searching for 3 hours straight on how to show effort towards my boyfriend but all I can find is the opposite. Can someone please help me this is the closest I’ve come to finding something remotely what I’m looking for. Thank you!


I think it’s a good article for some combination/types of people. But I do have this nagging feeling that it does give men some excuses not to work on communication and empathy.


Most of the people on here are wrong or bitter. Look let me break this down, because clearly it’s so hard to see. 1. No one should be putting in more effort. The feminist argument that men should have to put in more effort, is dumb. Feminism was about 50/50 power. 2. Guys aren’t emotionally retarded. 3. If both people put in effort and you actually like each other all the BS becomes simple. 4. Why do you people make stuff complicated. If you are happy, you’re happy. If not then make a change. And for the love of god… Read more »


I needed to read this tonight. I’ve been back and forth trying to figure out if I’ve been wasting time on a new guy. Only to realize his effort is completely different Than what i was expecting, but it’s effort nonetheless


why should a man put forth effort when women give sex so freely. if you make a man work too hard he’ll just go to the next slut. furthermore think back to all the men you just hooked up with… those men didn’t have to give you more than a night’s attention to get the full buffet, so why should a man have to spend his life serving you?

the modern woman is a hoe and it’s changed the game entirely.


Women are against what you’re saying because you’re confusing “healthy masculinity” with “toxic masculinity” and basically telling women to cater to men with fragile egos and selfish worldviews.

CH82 P
CH82 P

I recently had a baby boy and only then did I really see how strongly boys respond to praise and appreciation, the same way how he responds to milk and food. He craves it. and you can see him literally light up with glee. Fast forward to adulthood, whenever I feel that my husband is “lacking” – I realize, he was once this boy, and these boys are the men that we know today, plus some quirks from how they were raised and additional life experiences. But essentially, and as Frank A. Clark said it, “A baby is born with… Read more »

Lauren King
Lauren King

I thought this was great!!! It makes perfect sense. God wired us up a certain way and we are different. After God created Adam, He made Eve…”a helper” for him. Men and women are puzzle pieces. We fit together. We gotta know our roles. Love this article!

Perle shaiza
Perle shaiza

This was great. I needed it.
I just got into a good relationship with a man, 5 years older. He understands me well but I always get frustrated wishing he would communicate more and put more effort.
Now I understand. I will make thing better now hopefully. Thank you for this article. It is very helpful.


I get tired of these dating blogs and self-help books perpetuating femininity and masculinity as dichotomies. Man and woman are not opposites – there IS overlap if mature adults. Gender studies and neuroscience support that there is more difference between individuals of the same gender than the general differences between men and women as a whole, yet we still get generic men vs women advice when we should be advised on healthy, adult communication. Instead of man being opposite to woman, man is opposite to boy and woman to girl. This article describes boys and girls. The boys will be… Read more »

Reply to  delicate_dream

Thank you.. Your lines are strong, direct and the exact antidote to these tiring blogs.
We, women, will never totally be whole & respected till the time we stop chasing men or reading things like “ways to keep him”, “attract him”, “convince him to …..”. We must leave such a desperate and needy stand and move forward.


Wonderful advice. I tend to have a masculine feminist energy and feminine men annoyed me. Never worked. I shifted my thinking and became more feminine and attracted a younger masculine man as described in this article. You get off his butt about not putting in effort etc. Article opened my eyes and I think we will be happier once I stop pressuring him to be perfect


I would just like to say this has really opened my mind. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years and I have been starting to question myself for example ‘if I stopped making an effort there would there even be a relationship?’ He doesn’t feel the need to contact me to see how I am or if I’ve had a good day, in fact he could probably go atleast a week if I let him. However reading this article has really explained it to me. He is a good man, so faithful and kind, although our relationship struggles when… Read more »

Pooja Pophale
Pooja Pophale

Great advice-much needed…just had a conversation with my friends and all of them were saying how the man should put in more effort.

Some times women get defensive reading your advice…I recently saw that on FB when a woman disliked your advice regd. ‘casual sex’.
You were not being judgmental about anything…indeed you were being compassionate…but she misunderstood and felt judged!

And so I liked this sentence which you have written for defensive women:If he’s truly an a**hole and you don’t want to be with him, then you can choose not to be with him.

Super Janice
Super Janice

Thanks to point number 17, I realise that I am feminine in my core because I remember that I talked to my girlfriends about my favourite singer just for the sake of expressing myself. This is pointless from masculine perspective.


If a man and a woman have to do this much effort, they are not right for anyone. Feminism and egocentric behaviors are definitely the problem.


There is no biological imperative for “masculine men” and “feminine women.” I’m not angry with your post, it just is not founded on scientific reality and relies on “folk myths” about differences between men and women being based in biology (as opposed to how we are socialized). I suggest reading the work of anthropologist Agustin Fuentes (author of “Race, Monogamy, and Other Lies They Told You”). Hope this helps!

Renee Wade
Reply to  AH

Folk myths? Read it’s not you, it’s biology by Joe Quirk. Hope this helps.!

Reply to  Renee Wade

Joe Quirk is a writer not a scientist and though he is sometimes a science writer, so is Nicholas Wade (who also tries to biologize differences between the sexes and gets it wrong). In contrast, Fuentes is a scientist. Your reference is not the same as my reference, comparatively. While both can be seen as coffee table books, one is written by an expert (Fuentes) and the other by someone potentially misusing scientific studies (Quirk).

Reply to  AH

I also sensed your snark by using the same phrase “hope this helps”- which leads me to believe you don’t want to look beyond what you think you already know to be correct.

Renee Wade
Reply to  AH

AH, who are you to say who is an expert or not? Stop judging who’s an expert or not.

You want experts I mean anthropologists? Try Helen fisher, she’s an anthropologist. Go and youtube her name. She’s got a video on men here

On another note, feel free to share your scientific, expert derived evidence here. I am more than open to learning what is true from your perspective. It would add a lot more value than throwing around your judgements.


There is no biological imperative for “masculine men” and “feminine women.” I’m not angry with your post, it just is not founded on scientific reality and relies on “folk myths” about differences between men and women being based in biology (as opposed to how we are socialized). I suggest reading the work of anthropologist Agustin Fuentes (author of “Race, Monogamy, and Other Lies They Told You”). Hope this helps!

DJ Bomb Shel
DJ Bomb Shel

This is RIDICULOUS! When are women going to STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR MEN?! Wow. Just wow. They’re not bad or unintuitive when they’re trying to screw you. They’re great at relationships with their buddies and family and business partners. Men are some of the most powerful diplomats in the world. This kind of talk is sexist and misogynistic. Ladies, hold every man in your life accountable. Make HIM WORK HARDER THAN YOU! ALWAYS!

Reply to  DJ Bomb Shel

All you just described is actually a misandry not misogyny. It seems you need to come out of a victim mindset and need to learn and understand men more. If you had picked bad men, the problem is your lack of judgement not all men. What is this nonsense make him work harder than you, always ? Men have had been working very hard all along, from hunting to farming, to long ours and taking dangerous jobs while women were left with raising children. Men are good businessmen all examples you have given are professional relationships. As for friends men… Read more »

Super Janice
Super Janice

Both my biology teacher, Ms. Canan and I prefer to communicate directly. I think communication methods are related to MBTI types. Renee was erratic and emotional and she always follows her personal values (auxiliary Fi). She was extroverted and expressive as a little girl, and has a good memory (inferior Si), then her MBTI type is most likely ENFP. No wonder she prefers to communicate indirectly. As for Ms. Canan, I know that she prefers to be alone (Introverted), remembers events very well (and even remember where I was at that time) (dominant Si), communicates directly (auxiliary Te), but considers… Read more »

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