If he says he misses you, what does it really mean? Does it mean the obvious? (ie: he actually does miss you?)
Or are these just words that men use to get what they want from you?
Today we’re going to dissect these words and answer some questions around this topic of when he says he misses you.
I’m going to use a question from a reader as a beginning context.
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
DID he really mean it?
Here’s an interesting question from a reader who’s guy told her that he really misses her. The question is…
“Hi Renee, I subscribed to your emails a few months ago and firstly I just want to say thank you. Your advice is unlike anything I’ve read before and I really value it.
Secondly, I am having a tough time right now – in fact I feel like I might be going crazy. So although I know you must be inundated with emails, I would be really be grateful if you could tell me what you think.
I split up with someone a few years ago – well, he finished with me quite abruptly and painfully.
I was heartbroken and never lost the sense that things were unfinished between us. About a year ago he made contact with me, just by email, as I had since moved to another country.
Then as a fluke we bumped into each other whilst I was visiting Shanghai the day before Christmas Eve. After this the contact increased and when I was back in Singapore he emailed to tell me he had finished with his girlfriend and that he felt something for me.
Over the next few months (bearing in mind I am trying to cut a long story short) we opened up to each other.
He lead this, as obviously I had been hurt and didn’t want to show my cards too quickly.
But he sent me pictures of us when we were together, of a present I’d bought him that he still owned and he told me things that made me believe he really cared about me.
He said that there was something different about us – that we are always close even when we’re not together, and possibly always would be.
He said he couldn’t stop thinking about me and at one one point he backed off slightly and told me he was scared of his feelings as he was finding himself missing me when we don’t even live in the same country.
Regardless, he told me to come and visit him so that we could spend time together.
So I arranged my trip and by this point we were emailing each other several times a day.
He said he’d take time off work and we would talk about how excited we were to meet up.
And just in case this is a detail that impacts your view of what was going on here (as I would really value your honest opinion)…I’ll let you know that he also sent me intimate pictures of himself, which felt completely natural as I also believed we were extremely close.
But by the time I got back to see him, something was different.
I met up with him for one night and then he backed off. In fact he seemed slightly cool even before I got there.
We had planned to spend all this time together but he was being elusive, so it got to the point where I was calling him to say:
”What is going on!”
Which is something I would never normally do.
But I needed to know – as here I was on a three week holiday following months of anticipation.
After fobbing me off for a few days he eventually told me that I should leave him alone.
He said he was wary of meeting up with me again since I would have to go back to Singapore. I told him that I had never felt like this about anyone before and he said:
”I don’t want anything right now.”
So I know – I should move on, which I am trying to do.
I have blocked him so he cannot access me on the internet and I would like to believe that I am getting on with my life as much as anyone could.
But on dark days, when I am feeling bad about myself I still wonder what this was all about.
Maybe he met someone else or maybe he just went off the idea.
But his behaviour was so extreme and so contradictory I wonder if he could ever have felt anything in the first place.
I feel as though he lured me back into his life just so he could humiliate me, or feed his ego. But this is so far removed from what I actually feel in my heart. I really did think there was something deep and loving between us.
Can you see what was going on here?
Did he just use the fact that I live in Singapore as an excuse to turn me away because he just wasn’t that into me after all?
Was this about sex – hence the pictures?
Do you think he actually enjoys hurting me?
Or do you think he just got in too deep and didn’t know how to back out gracefully?
Can anyone be that unsure of their feelings?
I suppose I want to know if there is some rational, masculine explanation for this that will stop me feeling like I’m just not good enough.
I have never heard of anyone behaving like this.
Thanks Renee, Diana.”
He Said He Misses Me: MY ANSWER
I happened to read your email and I find that you are being totally genuinely vulnerable with me, and I am compelled to reply to you.
Ok. Where to start…
Firstly, I need you to understand one thing, and if you only take away one thing from this response I’m giving you here, I want you to know this:
You are asking me about HIS actions, but this is probably not as useful as reflecting on our own mindset and actions, because we have more influence over our own actions, and we can change those if we want.
Our own actions and perceptions are a more empowering place to start than going externally and looking at what the man did or has done.
What is true is that, if you are at ALL interested in changing the relationships you have with men, it will help if there is no confusion between just easy attention from a man and real love and attraction.
Fixing The Confusion
I know that you feel incredibly confused right now, and you want closure, and I’m about to give you the closure that he refused to give you, but I need you to stick with me as I will get to that part in a minute.
You said he seemed to tell you things that made you think he cared about you. Here, I’ll paste it:
“But he sent me pictures of us when we were together, of a present I’d bought him that he still owned and he told me things that made me believe he really cared about me. He said that there was something different about us – that we are always close even when we’re not together, and possibly always would be.”
This man (I don’t know his name, and anyway I’m so angry at him that I don’t care, he can be called assface as far as I’m concerned), this man, feels SO desperate to be desired by a woman that he used the idea of you giving him gifts before you broke up as a way of luring you in again.
He has very OBVIOUSLY been reinforced by other women in the past with these things that he does.
He has learned that some women will respond positively to sweet, kind words – basically ANY enticing words. So he is using this strategy to lure you in, jut like he’s probably done with many other women.
Whenever a man you are only dating or getting to know asks YOU to go and see him in another state or country, the majority of the time, you should NOT do it.
Generally, if you have not been dating steadily for 5-6 months, it is a sign of low value as a woman to go and fly to see him.
There are exceptions to this rule, but these exceptions are very few.
If you had 1,000 handsome and successful men standing outside your door, would you be as inclined to fly to see him?
Of course not. And that’s a clear indicator that your decision also comes from a lack of perceived options in men.
A man who totally WANTS you will seek you out, come to you, and pursue you.
Should ANY Woman Fly To See A Man In Another Country?
I do not believe that any woman should fly to visit any man in another state or country, when they are just in the early dating stages.
Here are 2 reasons why: (I’ve worked with enough women to know two things)…
- So many women fall in to the trap of thinking a man is totally in love with her because he flew her to see him, or just because he asked her to go to see him, and really, that’s not how men work at ALL.
The fact is, for some men, money is disposable or they don’t blink at the thought of spending money on a woman for easy sex.
- As a woman with a naturally feminine core, in the beginning stages of dating it FEELS far safer, genuine and REAL, if a man is willing to travel out to see you.
You know it’s true, too! So do not deny that gut instinct. Because it’s there for a reason.
Of course, once trust is established and you know that the man is not just after sex, you can fly out to see your guy.
But if you’re just in the dating stages, or if you’re suspicious that a guy is love bombing you, then you should listen to your internal feelings of apprehension, because they are trying to communicate something to you.
I don’t care if he spends $10,000 flying you over there, showering you with gifts, or taking you out to dinners.
Stuff like that is happening to a lot of women, every day! It’s not that special…even though it feels like it is.
I get a story like this in my inbox very often, and men are willing to pay in order to feel desired by a woman or for sex.
And then they can say ‘get out’ to you immediately after, and not care one iota about you. Men can seemingly completely detach themselves from you faster than you can blink.
(Because they were likely never attached in the first place, even if you think they were).
This is why it’s important to be aware of your feminine bias for early attachment – and know that masculine men do not have this same desire to attach early.
Instead, you need to USE your feminine bias for early attachment to inspire his attachment, before you invest far too much in a man.
CLICK here to learn more about how to use your innate feminine bias for early attachment to create deeper attraction with men and inspire a deeper commitment from him without you looking needy and low value.
Right now, if you’re thinking:
“This happened to me before and I learned from it.”
OR you’re thinking:
“Damn, I’m not getting flown around having nice dinners in different states!”
I have one thing to say – all these ‘nice’ things men do for you – they don’t have to mean ANYTHING.
A man can do these things and never be committed, never respect the woman, AND never worship you or want to die for you.
Getting a true commitment from a man, on the other hand, well – that’s a whole other level. It’s a whole other ball game.
If you are reading this, I believe that you deserve a man who doesn’t just love you, but who worships the ground you walk upon, and that’s what I help you get to my in program Commitment Control.
If You Want A True Commitment From The Right Man For You, You NEED This…
You need to sacrifice cheap attention from other men who SEEM interested in the short-term.
If you’re wondering how to tell the difference between a man who only wants casual fun and a man who has more interest in you OR might be falling in love?
As a woman, you have FAR MORE OPTIONS than even the most attractive man out there, and you need to feel and believe that.
It’s true no matter how bad you feel about yourself.
It’s not just true because you’re more pretty than another girl, it’s true because of EVOLUTION!
A fertile egg from a healthy woman is worth $30,000. A sperm? Well it’s worth next to nothing compared to the egg.
It’s simple and objective science that tells you a little story you really need to be listening to right NOW.
The demand for sex from ANY man is simply greater than it is even from the world’s least attractive women.
If you want to look at it from a demand and supply perspective, you can.
Now the reason I even MENTION that is because I want you to understand something about MEN, not so much about yourself.
(Although that comes naturally as a part of understanding this)…
Men will do a lot of things just to feel desired, to feel attraction, and to get sex.
Honestly though, they think they are wanting sex, but what they really want to feel is ATTRACTION.
But most of them are not consciously aware of it.
And then, when they themselves didn’t allow the attraction to build up and pushed for sex early, sometimes they resent the women they date for the lack of attraction.
AND I’ve said it before, but I feel like I have to repeat myself to every woman I work with.
Many MEN are very good at using WORDS to lure women in to casual sexual relationships that us women otherwise would not get in to.
This seems like bad news, right?
You Have Responsibility As A Woman
But there’s even more bad news. I mean, it would be GREAT if we could sit here and just say he was the douchebag and move on with our lives, but that’s not true.
As women, we have to take a really good look at ourselves, and a look at all the ways WE lure men in to giving us cheap attention perhaps because we feel lonely.
I mean, cheap attention that a woman may want is no more classy than a man getting quick and cheap sex.
You have to understand this! Because in a woman’s body, all the things we do seem SO “HOLY” and justified, and like WE are the victims of men, and it’s just not true.
We have a responsibility to test a man too.
So Diana, you also fell in to this man’s trap. He played his game and it worked on you.
Now the question is: how can you avoid this situation in the future? And are you wondering why this happened?
The answer is simple:
- It’s because you didn’t test him; and
- You didn’t stop to question all the affection he gave you (as if you simply deserved it).
The truth is that affection, attention and gifts from men are cheap and manipulative when they are excessive for the stage of the relationship, and when you didn’t earn all the attention and affection.
In other words, when a man’s actions seem excessive, overdone and suspicious, it’s because it’s just a strategy he uses to get what he wants.
Now here’s the good news 🙂 you can avoid this situation next time.
And this is a tiny kink in the road on your way to becoming a high value, high status woman who only attracts and CHOOSES from the best men.
Who We Attract & Date Is Our Responsibility
We as women really have to take responsibility for who we attract and date. We have to be testing the men we are dating.
The wrong kinds of situation sometimes do happen to us, but the most important thing to do is to learn from them!
Do Men Enjoy Hurting Women?
Now for your other questions, because I know that closure is important to you right now.
Do I think he enjoys hurting you?
No. I don’t.
I just don’t think he really cares. He was just looking for what he wants, and he was relentless in getting it.
But he might enjoy the power that comes with having you being willing to go over there to meet him.
He might enjoy the perceived power that comes with you sleeping with him.
He probably also enjoys feeling like a woman REALLY likes him and puts him FIRST, before even herself, or her own feelings.
And of course, the absolute certain thing here in your case is that he enjoyed feeling desired.
He probably doesn’t get much attention and sex in his life.
Let that sink in for a moment.
Was is Just About The Sex?
Your next question: Was it just about the sex?
Yes and no.
Yes because whenever a man sends you dirty pictures of himself, unless he is really committed to you and would give his life to you, it’s because he wants sex.
Trashy? I guess so.
Also silly of him though, considering women aren’t nearly as stimulated by a dirty picture text as men are.
It’s also not just about sex because he enjoyed the casualness and excitement of you two getting together like this. It’s some novelty for him in his life.
So it’s about the sex, but it’s also likely about the feeling of being desired by a woman!
Which is a high value thing in a man’s mind.
Your next question:
Did he use you living in another country as an excuse? AND – Can someone really be that unsure of their feelings?
Well, yes it was an excuse.
Some men will say anything to rid themselves of a woman that they do not want a commitment with.
It’s best to be careful, and really learn to understand men before you get yourself in to this painful place in the beginning.
Otherwise, it robs you of reproductive years and more of your precious life.
And YES – someone can definitely be that unsure of their feelings.
But someone who is that unsure is usually NOT in love.
The “unsure-ness” and his uncertainty comes from having gotten in to this fling with you for the wrong reasons in the first place. That’s why he’s unsure.
Being in love is clear, obvious and undoubtable.
Romantic love/intense emotional attraction is a real primal and emotional DRIVE, not like lust. Lust is just lust – romantic attraction means he will respond to, and care about your feelings.
This man wasn’t in love, and may not ever fall in love, looking at how flimsy and uncentered he is as a man.
Look Inside Yourself & Ask Yourself THIS Question…
My final thoughts and words to you are:
Look inside you now, not to him.
I’ve given you some closure here, but only at the end of my response because the questions you were asking me about his behavior are the type of questions that reinforce your already existing pattern of needing to feel humiliated and used.
Yes. I said needing to feel humiliated. I can relate to this, as I have been through it.
Let me tell you what I mean here. Sometimes, growing up, some children learn through the way someone close to them treated them, that humiliation is a safe emotion to go to.
So what is happening here with you is that, you are going around in circles with the questions you’re asking me. And you’ve done it your whole life. It’s time to stop.
See, what this man wanted is obvious, from an objective standpoint. But your interpretation of his actions are the issue. You are seeing the entire situation as a reason to feel bad about yourself. And guess what? As much as you don’t want to hear it, you DO want to feel bad about yourself. At least right now.
Because, for many of us human beings, sometimes, feeling bad about ourselves has become our base level of emotion/our equilibrium.
We developed the pattern in childhood and now feeling bad about ourselves feels SAFE, CERTAIN and in CONTROL!
I suggest taking a step back and put your hand on your heart, and slowly start breathing in to your heart.
Spend 5 minutes doing that, to get connected to your heart, which knows and believes in love.
And to get yourself out of your head where all the damaging thoughts and patterns are running around like a rat on a conveyor belt.
Ask Yourself this:
Do you actually have faith that love and passion exists?
Or are you too busy wondering whether you’re good enough for any one man to genuinely fall in love with your one and only?
Having faith in love and passion and in being his one and only is the answer.
If you believe in true love, then it shows in your choices. Right now, you don’t believe in it.
Perhaps you think it’s too good to be true. BUT, you still WANT love and passion, and a relationship with a man, so what to do?
Well, in the meantime, you will settle for less, and go for cheap attention or “appearances” that a man cares, rather than true love and true care.
TWO Steps To Take NOW
Two things for you to do:
- Stop making feeling bad about yourself the first thing you go to in order to cope. You are continuing an old cycle, and replaying an old, creaky, squeaky record in your head that is NOT serving your future.
- Make it your priority to be High Value and High Status and to SHOW UP as that High Value, High Status woman.
When you put your focus there, you will attract men who treat you like a goddess.
When you’re ready to be high value, I’d be glad to take you on board commitment Control, where you will get a clear idea on how to show up as a High Value, High Status woman.
Remember, as I always say, we ALL have incredibly limited time on this earth, and your life could be taken from you one second from now.
Stop allowing yourself to feel bad about yourself.
Respect yourself, because you are a superstar, yet you are not allowing yourself to be.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.