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Article updated 2018

When I first started this blog, I was writing for straight women. Over time, as my blog has received more exposure, I’ve been asked about how masculinity and femininity works in same-sex relationships. Whilst I still write predominantly for straight women, I want people to know that I don’t intend to exclude people in same-sex relationships in The Feminine Woman Community, and neither do I seek to perpetrate any intolerance towards gays.

I understand that people have thought, at first, that I was saying that same-sex relationships are wrong and shouldn’t exist. This is not the case at all! So, as promised, and in response to a few requests and suggestions that I acknowledge same-sex relationships on my blog, David and I have written this article.

We are not experts on this topic. Neither of us are gay, and neither of us can relate to being gay, or have a solid understanding of what it’s like to be in a same-sex relationship; so the article is intended to be an open discussion, where people can share their ideas and thoughts on the topic – so that we can all learn from one another.

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Let’s look at what brings a relationship together in the first place

First of all, for a relationship to form, there has to be similarities. There’s got to be things in common so that rapport can be established between the two people. This could be…same work place, same sense of humour, same passions, opinions on important issues, same way of reacting to weird situations, the same funny look etc,…anything that’s similar.

The reason why we, as humans like commonalities is because it makes us feel safer to know that someone else is like us. Haven’t we all at some time, through the ebb and flow of life, seen or met someone who made us think….”oh my god, he/she does that just like ME!”

Commonalities build rapport.

Rapport is the basis of communication and influence. You can’t get a message through to someone if you don’t have rapport with them. Therefore you can’t carry on a relationship with them if there’s no rapport.

A lot of relationships are based heavily on commonalities. In fact, sometimes when we get into a relationship, through our need to be loved…we tend to subconsciously “copy” the other person and become more like them…so that they might like us more, and to feel closer to them! We’ve all been there to some extent. (read my article about how to develop character)

Some couples even start to look like each other after a while, and they have the same expressions, same gestures, and even similar facial features.

Commonalities give us certainty; one of most important human needs. We need to feel certain and safe to let go and be ourselves. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Friendships are usually based around things that two people have in common. Whether that’s goals, activities, passions, likes/dislikes, etc. (read my article about warning about girlfriends who don’t compliment you)

In a intimate relationship however, unless you plan just to be friends forever, commonality isn’t enough. You need things to be opposite to create passion. Because, if you had everything in common with your partner (whatever he’s doing, you’re doing too…whatever you’re doing, she’s doing too), then wouldn’t that get very boring very quickly?

To create passion and excitement, there’s got to be differences. Attraction is caused by polarity and opposites. Like a positive particle and a negative particle creating charge in between them. There has to be polarity to make a relationship exciting and full of variety.

In same sex relationships, you will still be able to see the masculine and feminine polarity within the relationship. We don’t want to stereotype people, or cause any more segregation or marginalization than there is already in society, so our aim isn’t to point the finger or exclude anyone.

Whether you are in a heterosexual relationship or a same-sex relationship, it’s really your choice and we can’t tell you what’s right or what’s wrong. We just want to clear up that sexual orientation is independent of masculine or feminine.

This means that if you’re a man, and you’re feminine, you’re not necessarily gay and vise-versa; if you’re a gay man, it doesn’t mean you are necessarily very feminine. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

The same goes with women; you don’t have to be all masculine and macho to be a lesbian. In fact, we have seen first-hand a few extremely feminine lesbians (who don’t know each other).

It is in our belief that in any intimate relationship, there are masculine and feminine roles. This means that in same sex relationships, there will be someone who is more in their masculine and someone who’s more in their feminine at any point in time. These roles can obviously be reversed (gives it a good sense of variety that way).

This isn’t to say that if you’re both masculine or both feminine at your core that a relationship isn’t going to work. Because you can be totally masculine at work but still come home and be feminine. There are many roles in life, and as we take on different roles, we change our identity, what we believe, and our values.

We would love to hear what you have to say about this. The more input from everyone, the more understanding we will all have. This is not a place for judgment or separation, it is a place where we can come together and extend our understanding of ourselves, other people, and the world around us.

Ultimately, we want people to walk away with a deeper, richer appreciation and understanding of humans.

If you haven’t already, click here and download the “Goddess Report”

(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new DVD titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… and right now it’s FREE for you to get a copy. Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)

So please comment below and give your opinion as to whether there has to be a masculine/feminine essence or role in same-sex relationships, just as in heterosexual relationships.

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Joan
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Joan

My hairdresser is in a same sex relationship. He told me his partner does all the mechanical work, the snow removal and garbage out taking. He says he has a relationship many women envy.

I can talk to him just like a girlfriend. There are definitely masculine and feminine roles in relationships.

Chris
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Chris

Hello. I am grateful for this discussion. I am a 28 year-old married gay man, and this is a topic that I find very interesting. I have heard people (mostly straight) say that there has to be a woman and man, even in gay/lesbian relationships. This is most certainly not true. While it there are definitely gay/lesbian couples who do fit these straight-couple gender roles, mine is not that way. I really can relate to Sappho, because my husband and I don’t fit into the set masculine/feminine roles. We constantly switch it up. This shows that we respect one another… Read more »

Mayke
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Mayke

great blog, I am an Androgynous male, I fought this all of my life, learned to hide it from friends and family for 60 years, been the “Macho Man” but after three divorces I decided to just let it out, now at 63 yoa, I met a young lady that truly enjoys the fem side of me, we have the best relationship ever, we play as two girls or male and female, lots of fun. We strongly recommend that relationships explore both sides of masculinity and femininity, there may be something in the closet that when exposed will bring better… Read more »

schatzi
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schatzi

My boyfriend is bi-sexual, and when i finally figured this out, I found that I was strangely attracted to his more feminine side, because my masculine side responded to this quiet, softer side of him. I wanted to protect and take care of him as if her were my girlfriend. Other times, he is more masculine, albeit in a quiet, reserved way, and that’s good too. I love and accept all of him, and want him to feel safe expressing both sides of his nature. I complement him when he’s being my girl, and softly tell him how cute he… Read more »

DAINTY
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DAINTY

YOU DECIDED TO BECOME A LESBIAN MAY BE BECAUSE OF HOW MEN TREATED YOU IN THE PAST. BUT PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SOUL AFTER THIS LIFE IN ETERNITY, DECEASE FROM IT. YOU SEE MY DEAR, SATAN WAS CAST OUT OF HEAVEN FOR JUST ONE SIN & NONE US CAN CARRY SIN FROM EARTH HERE TO HEAVEN. THINK OF ADAM & EVE WHO WERE CAST OUT OF THE GARDEN OF IDEM (DELIGHT). NO MATTER THE NUMBER OF YOUR YEARS ON EARTH, IT WILL BE TOO FEW COMPARE TO ETERNITY. YOU KNOW ETERNITY IS ENDLESS. IF LOOSE HEAVEN, YOU WILL… Read more »

Kira Occido
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Kira Occido

Not all of us are Christian and not all of us share your beliefs. Also, according to your religion, all humans’ sin. Why are you judging gays when it’s not your place to judge them but “God’s”? All sins in the eyes of God are equal, correct? So think on the times when you have knowingly lied etc. and don’t tell gay people that they are d***ed for eternity when you yourself have sinned.

schatzi
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schatzi

Amen to that. Judge not, lest ye be judged.

Holly
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Holly

Apparently, many, many years ago, gay men were worshipped. I can’t remember what book I read it in, but I’m sure it was in the book, Why men need sex and why women need love. The say also that sexuality gets formed in the fetus. Men are suppose to have 4 batches of testosterone, but if they don’t get enough at the right time of development in the fetus then 2 batches of testosterone will develop the gentiles and only 1 batch goes to the brain, opposed to 2. Some gay men are different from each other anyway, but nevertheless,… Read more »

Ray
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Ray

Great article. I am a bi male with and am very into many aspects of BDSM. Submission and enjoying your partner’s dominance are feminine energies. Is masochism also a feminine energy?

Sappho
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Sappho

I appreciate your acknowledgement of lesbians. I’m a teenage lesbian who enjoys your blog because I aspire to be a feminine woman and a classy lady. [The greatest role model I can think of is Amber Heard (only recently came out).] The thing I love about same-sex relationships is freedom from concrete gender roles. Although women can be masculine and men can be feminine, I still feel that, at the end of the day, in a heterosexual relationship, the woman is feminine and the man is masculine. Even if these aren’t the dynamics of the relationship and the woman does,… Read more »

lindsey
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lindsey

Some individuals have gender that is none binary, for example i have both masculine and feminine energy but prefer to be more masculine most of the time. I was looking for a girlfriend who was more feminine and i met a transwoman who i thought was quite feminine when i met her. But it turned out she has a masculine side still, but refuses to except it as she is a feminist and thinks everyone should be feminine. She did not like me speaking of my none binary gender, and did not understand when i told her i had both… Read more »

Andy
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Andy

I don’t really understand how attraction between male and female works, but substituting women for men in your other articles, I have to say I agree with every word. As a gay man I find the soft and tender feminine essence of a man deadly attractive. It just makes me amorous of him and want to protect him.

applepie
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applepie

This is a fascinating topic and one that i’m particularly interested in, being a gay woman. I find it hard to understand how woman who have NEVER been truly attracted to a man (excluding the throes of early adolescence) can possibly feel wholly feminine and be attracted to more masculine partners. I understand if someone decides that men aren’t for them AFTER having had relationships with men (and having been able to make love to/care about those men), then they might be the more feminine in a partnership. I would still call such women ‘bisexual’ if we want to put… Read more »

P
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P

very well written …

Catherine
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Catherine

This is an interesting topic indeed, and one that to a certain extent I have had alot of exposure, as my mother is in a relationship with another woman. Within their relationship, they do have things in common, they also most definetly have very DIFFERENT things. One is more masculine in some circumstances than the other. Both dress at times, in a very feminine way, and yet both enjoy say, hiking outdoors, and at times wear very ‘boyish’ out door travel gear. In the beginning when my mother first entered this relationship, she was VERY masculine. She refused to wear… Read more »

San
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San

Hi, your post is giving me hope . My gf when i met her was diff . But with time she has changed so much . Its almost one year now. She says i would have changed my sex if possible. We both are married to our husbands and this is a secret relationship. And kind of first real lesbian relationship for both of us. But we knew we were gay since we were kids. So anyways ..i dont mind a little masculine side .but some times i wanna dominate too. We have long distance relationship so we were barely… Read more »

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