7 Steps to Instant Feminine Poise

“Poise is a power derived from the Mastery of Self”

A woman who is poised is not easy to come by. Perhaps she was 30, 40, 50 + years ago. But such a woman is not too common these days.

An embodied feminine woman is often the epitome of grace, elegance and poise.

The definition of poise is:

Calm confidence in a person’s way of behaving, or a quality of grace.

Poise is also defined as:

The state of being balanced.

The only negative thing about women who are “traditionally” poised, is that sometimes this poise tends to be accompanied by a sense of rigidity.

This rigidity is not really poise. And it doesn’t accomplish the balance that is required when one is aiming to be poised and graceful.

Some women who are traditionally ‘poised’ take themselves too seriously, and take the issue of poise too far. 

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Remember that if you want to be a poised and graceful woman, you still need to maintain your femininity.

Femininity is not about being rigid, and no feminine woman should be tight and stringent in her manner and/or life, unless she really needs to be.

Truly feminine women have a beautiful quality of spontaneity and freedom.

Feminine energy flows with the energy of life. It is sometimes chaotic, sometimes calm, and at other times, even melancholy and dark. (read my article about how to be more feminine.)

how to be graceful

What Is The Real Meaning Of Graceful and Poised?

It seems to me that the definition of poise has also evolved. When I wrote this article ten years ago and looked up the definition of poise, poise meant that you had a sense of “Composure” about you.

I think the idea of composure can lead us astray, and that the concept of “balance” or the state of being “balanced” is a much better definition to work with.

The idea of composure implies that you should be in control and appear to feel nothing.

Sometimes, people who are “composed” border on stoical; and this is not always ideal.

Stoicism is a wonderful trait to have in the right context and at the right times. In fact, stoicism has gotten humanity through a lot of suffering and tough times.

However, in normal day to day life, there’s no need to STRIVE to be stoical, unless you’re interacting with someone whom you know you cannot trust.

If you are interacting with someone you cannot trust, and you don’t want them to know about your feelings or vulnerability, it makes complete sense to be stoical.

So of course, there is a time and place for composure, but it’s important not to take this overboard.

Even if you are seeking to be poised, you can take the issue of composure lightly.

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How To Be Graceful And Poised Yet Still Feminine?

Feminine women are real above all else.

So whilst a woman needs to be composed at times, it’s important that she is able to go with the flow of life.

Femininity also involves an element of irrationality, and some people (men and women included), make this trait of feminine energy wrong.

It’s not wrong. In fact, “irrationality” or chaos is a typical trait of the feminine energy. This is where a woman’s ‘ocean of emotion’ comes in to it…

When a woman is embodied (ie: she is not always zoned out and disconnected from her body due to extensive trauma), she naturally seems irrational from the masculine person’s perspective.

This is because the feminine body is not a vehicle of consistency. Women have cycles and their emotions change according to the people and the world around them.

So, how does being feminine go together with the idea of poise and grace?

Poise comes from a deeply assured sense of self and authenticity. This authenticity is not possible if a woman is disembodied.

Believe it or not, your femininity and being graceful and poised go hand in hand.

So, to achieve the balanced nature and the confidence that is necessary in order to be a graceful woman, you need to re-sensitise your body, connect to yourself, and allow yourself to feel your emotions authentically.

If you don’t do this first, then you can never achieve that sense of balance in your personality.

So, grieve your past pains and hurts first, and don’t try to ‘force’ poise and gracefulness within yourself.

It’s nice to be a confident woman, but most women try too hard to be confident.

How do they try?

They try to control things more. They’re desperate to seem to have it all together, and in an effort to appear that way, they unknowingly fake confidence.

And that’s not authenticity at work, wouldn’t you agree?

In fact, confidence has nothing to do with controlling yourself or your life all the time. It’s counter-productive for the woman who wants to be poised and graceful.

So the idea of poise should not be taken to mean a ‘forced’ sense of dignity, confidence self-respect and elegance. (read my article about fake femininity.)

Confidence and poise go hand in hand, but confidence comes from being a woman of value.

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Here are the steps to achieving instant poise:

1: Achieve Authentic Confidence. (Poise Is A Result Of Plenty Of Self-Confidence).

Acknowledge that your purpose is not to ‘appear’ self-assured and poised, but to be truly and actually poised, from deep within – where you harbor an unshakable sense of certainty and self-confidence.

If you do lack self-confidence, think:

What would I do in this situation if I DID know what to do?’

Self-confidence is your friend when it comes to achieving poise.

If you are self-confident, it’s much easier to go with the flow, be strong (in a feminine way) and become able to deal with any situation that arises.

Poise is about knowing your value despite the circumstances.

But to have that value, you need to focus on bringing value to the people around you.

When you can bring value to the metaphorical table, you will easily achieve that elusive sense of confidence that is essential for grace and poise.

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2: Face Your Fears And Forgive Yourself For Past Mistakes, No Matter How Big They Are.

Even a woman who has acted ‘cheap’ in the past can achieve poise.

A lot of women have done things in their past that they regret, that were less than graceful, respectable and poised – and as a result they “lock” themselves in to one particular identity.

If you lock yourself into one identity, then guess what other people who know you will do? They will see you as only this one kind of person too!

However, if you act like a graceful and elegant woman who is poised, and believe in it, other people will, too!

If anyone is going to give you respect (something that often ensues when you are a poised and graceful woman), you have to give it to yourself first.

You need to acknowledge your past mistakes, know that you are human and that most of us have a skeleton or two in our closet.

But just because you did a certain thing in the past, acted a certain way, or made a certain mistake, doesn’t preclude you from joining the ranks of poised and graceful ladies now.

Forgive yourself – learn from your mistakes and ease in to grace, elegance and poise.

No mistake in your life has truly earned its place until you learn from it and continue to love yourself despite the mistake. 

3: Be Honest But Not Blunt.

Care for other people, and consider others when you are asked for feedback, your opinion, or put in a difficult or challenging situation.

If you have an urge to act impulsively – pause and wait a moment.

It is better to pause and think your actions and responses through than to act impulsively.

I love women who are a little unpredictable – but there is a time for this.

If you’re in a serious situation, such as in a work or corporate environment, or if you are put in a difficult position socially, it’s important to think things through before you act.

If you don’t, you could cause more extra problems for yourself and others.

Expressing your opinion is important, but it is imperative to do it with class, integrity and modesty.

4: Identify Where You Have A Scarcity Mindset, And Re-assess Its Place In Your Life.

Have you ever gone to a food hall or a food court when it’s packed? Most of us have, right?

Have you ever gone looking for a seat at a table to eat, and you finally see one, so you calmly walk over with your plate of food, only to have some rude and disrespectful person sprint to the seat before you?

(And act like they didn’t see you there?)

Not only is it frustrating, but it’s just plain terrible behaviour. It’s worse when you look at them in disbelief, and they act like they didn’t see you!

That kind of person knows tables at a busy food court are scarce, but the difference between that person and a poised and graceful person, is that they don’t have the ability to see past the immediate moment.

Sure, there aren’t enough seats, but if you are a graceful and poised person, surely you’d be resourceful and calm enough to solve your problem in other ways, true?

You don’t have to have no money to be poor.

Poor, un-elegant people exist as a result of a poor mindset.

A scarcity mindset is the nemesis of grace and poise, especially when it is not necessary.

A scarcity mindset often leads to desperation. And desperation isn’t a trait of poise.

I know we’ve all felt desperate for something in our lives, but acting desperate because you’re not aware of the toll that your scarcity mindset is taking, will destroy all efforts to achieve poise.

Now, a scarcity mindset is not all bad.

It can allow you to address problems swiftly and achieve things you want to achieve in the short-term.

But in a world where plenty is available, acting from scarcity may hinder your own sense of resourcefulness.

When your sense of resourcefulness is lacking, then you will show up as a person who lacks grace, class, and patience.

This leads you to lose the ability to have poise.

Too much time spent in a scarcity mindset will also dispel a woman’s serenity and calmness; and as a result – how classy or poised she will become.

I’ll give you another example.

You’re hopping on to a train, and you can see there are only a couple of seats left.

You walk on calmly, and before you know it, some arrogant and selfish person pushes you out the way to get to the seat first.

This is not graceful. It is not poised. People like this don’t earn respect, they are annoying at best.

The point is – there WILL be a seat available eventually! And if there isn’t, then aren’t you resourceful enough to stand, or perhaps ask someone nicely for a seat if you are disabled or feeling ill?

Poise is about being at peace, knowing that there is enough to go around!

Somebody else’s gain is not your loss!

A woman of poise makes a profound impact and commands respect at the highest level.

Even though these may be small, insignificant matters – every little bit counts.

You must be poised even when there’s no-one around whom you are seeking to impress or please.

Poise is unqualified. A poised woman lives it. And doesn’t act poised only when it benefits her.

Like any women who achieves true success and commands respect, achieving poise is the same – you have to consider others beyond yourself.

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5: Correct Your Posture, If Your Posture Is Suffering.

Most people need to get better posture. And I don’t blame them – it’s so easy to get terrible posture with our lifestyle these days.

The traditional walking with a book-on-the-head strategy doesn’t work.

There are much better ways to improve your posture.

It’s not something that can be taught very well through words, so if you are interested in a video on improving your posture, please see our videos and post on 3 Steps to Instant Good Posture.

6: Know That Receiving Praise Or Criticism From Others Isn’t Always That Great.

Sure, praise is nice, and in fact, feminine women grow in their femininity through praise.

But don’t become reliant on other people’s praise or criticism! People can be fickle, and it matters not what they think. It matters more how you feel within yourself!

For this point, I’d like to quote the amazing Coach John Wooden:

“You can’t let praise or Criticism get to you. It is a weakness to get caught up in either one”

Know your value. Appreciate others’ praise and/or criticsm, but don’t take it to heart.

Even if you are no.1 at something and everyone is always praising you about it, we are always learning and should never assume that we are more ‘worthy’ than others.

Part of knowing your value is knowing your abilities as well as your limitations. I do believe anyone can achieve anything they wish, but it’s important not to descend in to arrogance or egotism.

Arrogance destroys poise. It is not graceful, and neither is it elegant.

7: Model Others Who Are Already Graceful And Poised.

If there is a woman whom you consider to have great poise; look to her, figure out what it is that makes her so poised.

Is it a special point of elegance that she has? Is it her ability to think before she acts?

Is it the way she holds herself?

Is it that she’s incredibly feminine and embodied?

Poise consists of how one is presented to the world from the outside, as well as a person’s mindset.

Possible examples of women whom I think have great poise:

Natalie Portman

Candace Owens

Nicole Kidman

Audrey Hepburn

Michelle Pfeiffer

Kate Beckinsale

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1. Poise comes through true, authentic inner confidence.

2. Face your fears and forgive yourself for past mistakes. Don’t get ‘locked’ in to a particular identity, or past identities.

3. Be honest but not blunt. Give real, good feedback, express your opinions with class and integrity.

4. Avoid a scarcity mindset.

5. Develop good posture.

6. Know your value, and be confident in your value.

7. Model others.

(A big Thank You to our loyal and lovely reader, Stefanie for the suggestion for this article.)

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As always, offer your additions, objections or thoughts on this article, and share any examples you have of women who are poised, and whom you admire.

renee wade what to do when he doesn't call

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Rebecca Spitzack
Rebecca Spitzack


Jo Anne
Jo Anne

There’s an error on your femininity quiz :

Fatal error: Call to a member function fetch_row() on boolean in /home/dshen317/public_html/shenwademedia.com/quiz/vqzb_ajax.php on line 101


I affirm every single day to carry myself with poise and grace!

I, too, struggle with manifesting an abundance mindset. One way in which I address it is to remind myself that prosperity creates generosity and openness; happiness and relaxation: All such quintessentially-feminine traits.

Janet Duignan
Janet Duignan

In 1996, Bantam Press published ‘Simple Abundance’ by Sarah Ban Breathnach. Now, 20 years later, I am taking up the challenge of reading each day’s ‘gentle lesson’ and attempting to act on her advice. I liked your article so much that I mentioned it in my blog ‘Simple Abundance in France’. Please have a look at it on http://gringaba.wix.com/literature-blog and let me have your comments. Also, if you like it, please tell your friends as I want to reach a wider audience. Thank you.


DEEPIKA PADIKONE IS THE MOST GRACEFUL PERSON, she should definitley be on this list


Excellent article! Great points.


Celebrity lady to add to the list of those who have genuine poise and a feminine energy that I’ve found to be an excellent role model – one of those rare celebrity women I admire and yet don’t harbour any envy towards:

Helen Hunt

Beautiful, as well as graceful, elegant and with the most charming smile and laugh. See her at her best in ‘As Good As It Gets’.

Truly beautiful woman.


I find this article to be educative.I am poised, but can be blunt some times.I will have to work on that.Thanks


I need to work on the ‘scarcity mindset’. I graduated highschool a year ago, and while I wasn’t a total manipulator or a backstabber, I could be a brat sometimes. In high school it seems like almost everyone has a scarcity mindset because everyone is competing for the best grades, the spot on the varsity team, and getting into the best colleges. It snowballs into huge competitions for people, and its not pretty. All of the nastiness was almost accepted in high school because we were young and didn’t know better. I’m really working on being more mature and poised… Read more »


i feel so honoured u replied me!!!

thank u ~3~


So much to put to practice. with time it’ll come naturally! Thanks babe!!


I know many men who think women who move/hold themselves in a manly fashion are adorable and I know a few men who think a clumsy type of girl is much easier to approach and less threatening. But the men I know whose characters I admire most all prefer women to be more poised. Something I really need to work on :p Especially the not-being-blunt part… I always forget that some people consider a debate to be an argument.
I personally find that sitting straight for a longer time actually taxes the muscles in my back a lot!


That’s true Renee, I wouldn’t want boyfriend after boyfriend, that’s probably a sign that something isn’t quite right. These women may be attracting quantity but not necessarily quality in terms of men. I see these ‘head-turning’ type of women a lot since I work at a gym. They are often pretentious, over confident, and have a somewhat abrasive attitude (sometimes the more attractive a woman is she seems to think it excuses bad, uncourteous behavior). In my opinion they are quite far from what I would consider feminine. But then again, they seem to attract meatheads, so we wouldn’t really… Read more »


Thank you for this lovely article. I have been thinking about poise lately and what exactly it is, so this answered my questions. I love how you address the issue of not taking yourself too seriously because some people who are considered poised really do seem overly rigid, so I like that you look at both extremes. As always, I look forward to your future articles! 🙂

Peace and love


I believe women who act ‘hard’ and brusque will attract ‘soft’ men; that’s why its important that girls get lessons in poise even if they become good in hang-gliding


@Tracy: well, it depends whether you WANT boyfriend after boyfriend? If hoards of them are coming in to their lives yet leaving – well, I think it says something. And, every woman will attract a certain type of male. My thoughts are that it depends what kind of men these men you’re referring to are. And, sure – there are plenty of women who aren’t so great on the inside who turn the heads of men. What heads are they turning though? What are these men like? What do they want? A lot of women have as their number one… Read more »


This is great, graceful women are definately very attractive! But I have to say that I see women who aren’t poised, polite or feminine, who seem to turn men’s heads all the time. Not only that, but they seem to have boyfriend after boyfriend, and I have no idea why!


This is very good. I love Audrey Hepburn! I think she would be the best model of poise, and so many other great character traits.


Thank you for running this one! I love the pictures you included too, they’re beautiful.


Thank You so much for the support ladies! 🙂

We’ll be doing a video on posture ASAP and get it up. It’s very important for everything! Including for presence, aging, exercise, prevention of injuries, pains, joint pain, discomfort and elegance.

Reply to  Renee

Out of curiosity, do you plan to write anything about sexuality?

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