The Fastest way to Push a Man Away

what pushes a man away

The Fastest Way to Push a Man Away

The fastest way to push a man away, (or to fail with men in general), is to make him feel blamed.

“Oh, so you FINALLY call me?!”

“How could you do that?!”

“But ya didn’t pick up yer socks like I asked!”

“You started it!”

“You just expect me to be perfect!”

“But you’ve let yourself go! All you do is sit on the couch.”

“You never listen!”

A dirty look.

A condescending look.

When you feel hurt, or misunderstood, or scared as hell in your relationship, sometimes the last thing you want to do is take responsibility for your own emotions, and for the way you feel. It is just easier to blame, and often, it really does feel justified to blame a man, at least in the heat of the moment anyway.

And in these heated moments, it’s really easy to forget what is truly important to you. And then, wham! You just threw your values out the window, in just one second. And hurt the one you probably love the most.

Knowing something intellectually vs really doing it

Your job is not to discipline a man.

We all know this, YOU know this, intellectually. But here’s the problem.

It feels TOO GOOD to point out where he’s gone wrong. So we forget our values, and instead we take the lazy option or we do what feels good in the moment (by the way, do you ever truly feel good afterwards?) No. it’s an illusion – that blaming and letting someone know how they were wrong is going to make us feel good.

It’s like many things in life, isn’t it? We find ourselves failing to achieve what we really want because of our contradictions.

We promise to be faithful, but then we cheat on him.

We say we want to be successful, but we sabotage the job interview.

We say money isn’t important to us – but when it really comes down to it, and we’re challenged on the money side of things; we act like desperate fools.

We say we want a great relationship, but the things we do every day are destroying that possibility. (read my article about why men pull away)

Getting what you want from him…

So when it comes to a man, it’s also intuitive to repetitively point out his flaws or how he’s hurt you – it feels natural to us, because in that moment, it really does feel like we might get what we want from him.

It doesn’t.

It’s like with children. Many parents expect that by always blaming the child, beating the child, or always making the child wrong, will make the child “learn”.

Sure, the child might OBEY you, or get “good results at school”. But they are not doing it for a good reason. They’ll be doing it out of fear or to please you.

And worse still – the child develops a bad association with YOU. Not THEIR OWN behavior.

Perhaps that’s why we find children going behind our backs and doing what they are punished for. Interesting, hey?

When you make a man feel bad about himself…

The same applies with a man. Most women think that it’s so easy for a man to just leave them or cheat on them.

Well, of course he can. And of course it’s that easy for him when he feels blamed most of the time.

Of course he’s going to withdraw or leave and prefer to drink or be with his buddies or play golf rather than being with you. To him, being around you just makes him feel bad, and misunderstood.

It’s not a blame game.

As Nelson Mandela once said: blame is drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to die.

Blame, and pointing the finger feels good for a moment – but it’s like bad eating habits. It feels great to eat that chocolate or that tub of ice cream every time you’re feeling bad and need a chocolate fix – but when you’re fat and your skin is breaking out and you feel unattractive – it doesn’t feel so good then, does it?

I know from personal experience.

It feels (convincingly) good to blame a man or go to him and repeatedly try to make sure he gets the point that he’s not doing things the way you want him to or to bring him down for not meeting your standard – until you end up with a man you can’t respect because you’ve emasculated him so much, and made him feel like he’s trapped – or until he leaves you, cheats on you or he puts his work above you (which is what most men would do) – a place where he feels he can succeed.

If your goal is to feel good about yourself in the MOMENT or just to get something for yourself (selfishly) – you’ll blame and criticize and point out everything he’s doing to make the situation bad, or to make life hard for you.

If your goal is to have a loving relationship, and you really value LOVE – you’ll do something very different.

So what’s more important to you?

The dirty socks, or love and passion?

The dishes, or love and passion?

Him being punctual, or love and passion?

How misunderstood you feel, or love and passion?

You don’t have to stay and take bad treatment

You don’t have to STAY with a man that is not treating you right, and nor should you bend to bad treatment from anyone – but blaming and scolding and withholding, when it’s done all the time, over and over, just makes YOU look bad. (read my article about the problem with I’m sorry)

And it just makes a man feel bad towards YOU.

And you really want to avoid doing this with a good man (who may be easy to take for granted).

It just makes you look like a low quality mate, who’d rather sit there complaining rather than being active and doing something about it or, – even better, (alternatively) try to influence a man from a place of poise, pride and confidence.

I want to leave you with a statistic. For those who think making a man wrong is ok because he ‘deserves’ it:

A study was once done on smokers. 70% of smokers, when they have been told they will DIE if they continue smoking, still continue to smoke. That’s 70% of smokers who have been told they’ll die if they continue smoking.

Human beings respond a lot more to positive reinforcement and loving rewards than negative reinforcement or blame.

Hint: an example: instead of withdrawing or saying nasty things to him when he turns up late, try being happy when he’s actually there with you.

So, what do you choose? Love and passion? Or blaming?

Renee the feminine woman

 

33 Comments

  • Sofia

    Reply Reply May 8, 2014

    This was me,I, somehow got out of that pattern(I was more relaxed, etc). I didnt bother my ex with being always late, not calling thru out the week to check up on his daughter (he is studying and I know he is super busy) ..etc…etc….BUT, my family is always checking on on what he is doing and what he is not. So they were always telling me ”why isnt he calling to check up on his dauhgter when she is sick?” ”why is he always late, does he got something more important to do than to come and see her daughter?”

    Yeah, I know I am blaming my family for this, but its true. And the worst thing is that I let that crawl up in to my head.

    Where did that relaxed woman went to? And I was forced or pressured to tell him something beacause I am always thinking they are right and that they are seeing things I dont. So I scolded him whenever he showed up late or didnt do this or that…etc..

    My family DONT apreciate men and they are always judging them and thinking all the time that they are the bad guys of the story.

    But now I know what to do, Renée. Thank you! xx

  • Joan

    Reply Reply January 20, 2014

    I don’t see how socks on the floor can be a problem. I would just pick them up myself. All the time if need be. He does other things and everything probably comes out even anyway.

  • Jen

    Reply Reply May 15, 2013

    Actually, the quote by Nelson Mandela is RESENTMENT is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. Resentment and blame are not synonymous.

  • Janine

    Reply Reply March 10, 2013

    Hi Renee, my boyfriend and I just broke up on Friday. He has been unhappy for a long time, ever since the honeymoon period/romantic love was over. It was his first relationship and he didnt know it would come to an end, he thought that feeling lasted forever. He also told me that I didnt challenge him enough and keep him on his toes and threaten him more with wanting to break up with him because that apparently made him scared and made him work harder. I thought that I argued more than enough with him but as he has a very laid back personality he would just brush it off. He wanted me to be upset with him when he turned up late for a date or when he didnt do things that other boyfriends did but I wasnt because I thought I’d look like a nag. He said that he had to get out of the relationship before he started disrespecting me which he didnt want to do and also just saw me as a really cool chick to hang out with but not as a girlfriend for a very long time.
    How does one draw a fine line between challenging a guy and being a nag and getting upset over every little thing? Also why would he end up disrespecting me if I didnt do anything wrong to him?
    Thanks

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply March 11, 2013

      Hi Janine, I saw your post and had to reply. I feel like I’ve been in your situation so maybe my experience can help you. My man used to tell me that I didn’t “challenge him enough” and then at the same time used to feel like a failure when I told him he did something wrong (wasn’t I challenging him then???) – Yeah, I didn’t get it either. Your question is a very good one. There were many times he thought he could never make me happy and would try to break up. But here’s what I learned: I think when he says “Challenge” you have to find out whether he means intellectually, emotionally or spiritually. My man meant intellectually. So instead of spending hours worrying about whether I did something wrong with him, I would pick up a book and read it instead. Renee’s got a lot of reading suggestions in an earlier blog post. I’d read one of those or a trade magazine or the news. Or learn something new. THEN when we’d converse, I’d be able to challenge him mentally. He gets very excited about that.
      Yes, I’ve found that men want you to be upset when he does something wrong, but not in a way that he feels BLAMED. This is VERY hard for us women to distinguish, because it seems that every constructive criticism we make ends up making a man feel blamed. It is soooo frustrating sometimes! My guess is that when you call a man out on something, you have to preface it with saying “I’m not here to blame you for anything, because you did nothing wrong, BUT… I feel so [angry, hurt, sad, scared, etc] when this happened…” In my experience, men LOVE it when you call him out, because you show you are high value and won’t take his isht. But, on the other hand, there is this fine line that you’ll come off as a nag and then he’ll think you’ll never make him happy. The only thing I can think of, and what Renee also explains in her blog here, >>>, is that you have to preface your complaint with “I’m not blaming you” hehe! I know it feels weird, because it’s never your intent to blame, but men have a fine tuned radar about this.
      You mentioned something about him not wanting to disrespect you. I know what he means…. he means that, if you let him walk all over you (by not telling him what you will and won’t tolerate in the way I explained above), he WILL end up disrespecting you. You need to always uphold your value, because if you let it slip, he WILL disrespect you, no matter how nice you are. No matter if you did nothing wrong. I know.. it sucks… I tell this in confidence, but my man sometimes insults me when I let it slip sometimes. He doesn’t MEAN to insult me, the bad intention is never there, but I feel he subconsciously starts to think I”m lower value and then puts me down when I annoy him and takes me for granted. I think it’s a male thing. (I do think everyone gets annoyed and takes people for granted eventually though). I don’t think I’ve ever put my man down unless he’s put me down first. But he never intends it… come to think of it, the reason he put me down is probably something I did that made him feel put down, I don’t know.
      But coming back to the point. It’s really good that he realizes that he WILL end up disrespecting you if you don’t call him out. It sucks, but I think it’s mostly a natural phenomenon. But if he does disrespect you, you can always turn it around.. by building up your value and challenging him (intellectually, emotionally, spiritually) and calling him out in a non-blaming way.

      • Anna C

        Reply Reply March 11, 2013
      • Janine

        Reply Reply March 11, 2013

        Thanks so much Anna for your reply, it makes so much sense now. I really really wish that I had come across this site and you :-) a year ago or even 6 months ago and it may have saved the relationship. I realize now that when I did get angry I didn’t phrase it in the write way and ended up blaming him when it wasn’t my intention and other times when I should have called him out, I didn’t. He unfortunately doesn’t have it in him to give it another go considering he hung in there for a year even though he was unhappy. I really cant think about future relationships right now but when it gets to that stage I will come back to this page. The way you’ve stated it just sounds so simple, I wish us women knew about all these things before we get into a relationship with the guy of our dreams and then end up losing them :-( Thanks also for the blog post, will definitely read it.
        Janine

        • Anna C

          Reply Reply March 11, 2013

          Hey Janine, I think you can still get back together with your man. Especially if you’ve been in a relationship with him for more than a year, and even if he says he does not want to do it anymore. How many times have you said you’d never do something and then end up doing it? And… why did you end up doing it? Because you thought it would make you feel good at the time, and your perspectives had changed. So, you’d have to get this same reaction from him in order to make him try again. I think you can get this from backing off for a while and doing some inner “re-booting” and give him time to re-boot too. Then when you reconnect with him, you’ll have a different energy, and probably one that is fun, radiant and not desperate. So I’d say, leave him alone for a while, then either wait for him to reconnect, and then reply with something fun – like when you were first dating – and flirt with him again. Or, you can reconnect yourself after a while in a fun, flirty way. All you have to do is make him feel good to be around you. And I think the best way to do that is to understand him better. I don’t think you should wait for your next relationship to come back to this page. I think you should start now – this blog is a great resource to start. I do owe a lot of what I know now to this site and Renee and David, and I feel blessed to have come across it at the time I did.

        • Anna C

          Reply Reply March 11, 2013

          Janine, I came across another relevant blog post for you: http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2012/05/men-fall-for-drama-queens/
          It seems you can express yourself and show your emotions in a more wild, authentic format than the previous blog post I referenced, but the common theme is to not make a man feel blamed, because when he does, it feels like you are not on his side. Good luck.

        • Janine

          Reply Reply March 12, 2013

          Hey Anna, thanks again for your words of encouragement :-) We were together for 5 years and then last year he wanted to break up with me but I convinced him to give it another go. The passion etc was there for a few months but then it just died down again and it became routine and obligation again being with me. I understand what you’re saying but he said that getting back together only happens in fairy tales, its not real life. He also associates those bad feelings that he experience over the past year with me and I basically just became a friend with benefits to him. I am doing an ex-detox program so I have to back off and have no contact with him for 60 days. I want to have hope but have a bad feeling that hope will just end up hurting me. But when I do see him again I do want to be more confident and fun and not look desperate at all. Thank you very much again for all your help and advice and to Renee and David for their great articles.

          • Meg

            Reply Reply October 16, 2013

            I know these are old comments, but it made my heart ache reading Janine. You should give up on this guy and move on…but in the future, if he’s LATE rather than blaming him, wait 15 minutes and leave. If he dosen’t call when he says he will, then turn off your phone or don’t answer for a while. You don’t have to blame him, you just have to show him with your actions you won’t put up with that nonsense. I’ve found this to be very effective with men if they start taking me for granted. Also you should have plenty of hobbies and things to do outside of the relationship..It doesn’t matter WHAT it is, just do something you love. I love to read fantasy novels and the hottest man in the world can’t tear me away from my book if I’m into it. That’s a “challenge” to them. You don’t need to be mean and bitchy, just have some kind of life outside of the relationship, and don’t waste your time on jerks!

  • Nutcase

    Reply Reply February 11, 2013

    Thank you renee for writing this. Wish my wife knew this, we have everything or most of everything, but everyday I feel like I am the source of her unhappiness.
    We have a very beautiful sweet daughter, I would give my life for my little daughter, but my wife is always like being with me was the worst decision in her life.

    I am going nuts, is have a good job, I am the head of a department and I like to think I am ok with other people, everyone likes me except my wife, I have also even turned down some advances from females because I don’t want to set a bad example to my daughter, but I do always feel like maybe I might get that brief happy moment of being appreciated for at least some little thing, like being appreciate for being me , with someone else.

    I don’t know how I am going to handle this, seems like I can’t.

    Anyway thanks. Please keep this confidential.

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply March 11, 2013

      Hey, Nutcase. Your post was sweet and made me think. I feel like all you want from your wife is to feel appreciated by her. I’m sorry you are not getting it right now… I wish I could help. I could tell you from a woman’s point of view is that she probably has no idea how you feel, and that the source of this is probably one of 2 things: 1) she probably feels misunderstood by you for a long time that she has built up resentment towards you – if this is the case, find out what she wants by listening to her direct words – for example if she says “I wish you would get me flowers as a surprise sometimes” don’t take it as you are not good enough, take it as “I should get her flowers as a surprise sometimes”. 2) She feels insecure in her life or her beauty or radiance and therefore cannot give her love to you. It’s like when women feel ugly, they don’t feel like going to a social gathering. When I feel ugly or unattractive in some way, all I want to do is stay in bed and not be bothered by anyone. Maybe she feels this way. I wish the best for you. It’s very likely she still loves and appreciates you very much, even if she is having trouble showing it right now.

  • SweetMarie123

    Reply Reply January 27, 2013

    I have a question for the other readers please. If a guy won’t put your picture on his Facebook page, even though you are dating and supposed to be exclusive, does it mean much? My friend is very upset that her current beau, whom she is crazy about, won’t put a pix on his site of her or of them together. She has a pix of her and him on the front of her page but he isnt even hugging her in the pix. She is cosying up to him but he held his hand away when he could have put it around her waist.
    I think he isnt “really into her” but would never say so and hurt her feelings.
    She doesnt really trust him because he is currently single as he had an affair while married, and is being divorced by his wife.
    I think she is really going to get hurt here. Does the Facebook thing mean as much as it seems to?

    • Anna

      Reply Reply February 11, 2013

      No, I don’t think it does. Some men are just private, especially about their love lives. Some men do not take Facebook seriously. Tell her to ask him what he really thinks of Facebook, what Facebook means to him. He might just be private and not like to have his personal life on display like she does (not saying it’s bad, I’m more of her behavior here). Personally, I wish Facebook never existed. All it’s done is feed insecurities and case marriage and relationship breakdowns. Stupid Facebook.

    • Jen

      Reply Reply May 15, 2013

      Wait! He “is getting divorced from his wife” means he’s still married. And you wonder why he doesn’t want to have pics of the 2 of them on his FB???

  • Nana

    Reply Reply November 12, 2012

    “Hint: an example: instead of withdrawing or saying nasty things to him when he turns up late, try being happy when he’s actually there with you.”

    Mmm if I do that, he will just think “Oh it’s ok, no matter if I respect my commitments, she’s still happy to see me anyway, so no need to worry, I’ll just do whatever I want, telling her “I’ll do that” and “I’ll be back at this hour so we can spend some time together too” but I’ll finally do like I want.

    Indeed, I really don’t understand how we’re supposed to act with men that don’t assume their responsibilities, don’t keep their words even for little things like that (socks, dishes etc). The fact is that this is these little things that ruin an everyday life.

    Well if he turns up late, I have an idea : just leave at the moment he was supposed to be back and do your own things away so when he’s back he realizes that you’re not at his disposition. But for socks and dishes and all the things he says “I will take charge” and he doesnt and you have to carry everything on your shoulders, I really don’t see…(Thank God my man is not like that anymore btw!)

    • karen_o

      Reply Reply January 17, 2014

      I don’t care about socks & dishes…but there are matters which indicate respect for my time & energy & needs. It’s what things symbolize. It may not mean that to the other person, but they need to respect what it means to me.

      I will tell you what I want more than love & passion – understanding, respect & honor.
      And so my feelings being understood, respected, and honored are more important to me than love & passion. I will not compromise my integrity for romance.

      Also, people are sometimes responsible for other people’s feelings. People need to accept that our actions can harm others emotionally, just as they can physically/financially/etc.

      If I have the power to make a man feel “bad” for “blaming” him, then he has the power to make me feel bad for not respecting my time & needs. He can make me feel “bad” also. Why should he be allowed to do that? I’m supposed to just smile & be okay with someone treating me like a doormat?

      What I see this article doing is a classic problem in society that women have long grown to resent – making women take ownership of other people’s feelings, but not being allowed to hold others responsible when they violate our feelings. It’s a double standard, to say the least. We get accountable not only for our feelings, but someone else’s, and we have to allow our feelings to be invalidated so as not to affect theirs.

      If HE is not responsible for how I feel, then why am I responsible for how HE feels?
      That does not make sense.

  • Diana

    Reply Reply May 8, 2012

    Oh, Renee, I don’t know how you do it, but each article seems like it’s better than the last.
    I really love the way you draw in the way in which your actions make a man view you as a mate, it’s really interesting :)

    However, I do have a question for you: how would you recommend to communicate to a man that you would appreciate it if he could do something (eg. the dishes, picking up his dirty socks, that type of thing), without berating him for not doing it?
    For example, what if he’s forgotten to do something he’s promised he’d do, like hang out the washing? How would you go about reminding him, without nagging?

    Obviously, I’m not looking to do this in a manipulative way. It’s just every now and then, when I’m tired out and he hasn’t done some minor job that he promised he would that I have trouble with this.

    Thanks again for your article, I love it.
    Diana xoxox

  • Erfan

    Reply Reply February 2, 2012

    So true, is all i can say. Cheers guys……….

  • Jason Fonceca

    Reply Reply September 21, 2011

    Brilliant. So much of what you write feels spot on and resonates with me, and you are doing a FANTASTIC service to the world. I’d love to connect with you or collaborate, when the time’s right. :)

    I particularly love:

    “You don’t have to STAY with a man that is not treating you right, and nor should you bend to bad treatment from anyone – but blaming and scolding and withholding, when it’s done all the time, over and over, just makes YOU look bad…And you really want to avoid doing this with a good man (who may be easy to take for granted).”

    Beautiful. Concise. Poignant. Keep doing what you’re doing!

  • Twanda Moore

    Reply Reply August 19, 2011

    Thank you Renee for that article, but for me it ,may be too late. I am in a relationship with an emotionally weak man that never takes charge of any situation. He allows me to make all the decisions, it’s whatever I say or do is allright with him. I am very argumentative because I need him to stand up and be a man, to take charge of situations and to make decisions. When and if there are problems, he will overlook them rather than try to find a solution or even address it. Whenever I approach him he will not say what bothers him or take responsibility for creating the problem. He bends over backwards for me and it infuriates me because I want and need him to stand up and take charge and not wait for me to approach him.He’s a good man and he does provide for me so I don’t want to look for anyone else, but the more timid he becomes the more I lack respect for him. He never questions where I go and it seems that he doesn’t even care. There’s so much more I can say on this matter, but I want to be the woman and I need him to be the man.

  • Denise

    Reply Reply August 12, 2011

    Congratulations! Lovely article. I have always believed that in life, not only in relationships, you attract more with honey than with vinegar (poor translation of a saying we use in spanish…sorry). Although I also believe “complaining” is healthy and an important communication skill, since no one should be expected to “guess” what bothers us. It is all about choosing the right time and the right words, remaining femenine and never loosing our good manners. I agree that becoming passive agresive and a compulsive complainer will only make people, not to mention your partner, stay away from you; but never saying what bothers you will eventually make you bitter and difficult. There are many many things one has to “learn to live with” in a relationship, so it is a matter of choosing your battles well and beeing honest with ourselves. In other words be realistic on what is acceptable to you or you “can live with”, no matter what someone else thinks. We all yearn for that someone who will fully accept us and understand us right? Why not extend the same courtesy? We are not perfect and we should not expect perfection. I think that we are bombarded with tooooooooooo many fairy tales and that we all have misconceptions on what to expect in a “real” relationship! Renee I would love it if you could write more on this subject,I can only imagine what wonderful advise you would have for us!

  • sam

    Reply Reply August 10, 2011

    My Dear Friend Renee
    I”m so happy to have you in my life and no doubt you’re the GOD’s gift because everything you mention has been one of my problems that I’ve been trying to find a solution for it for so long specially the last article so I do appriciate your great effort over the so called subject and your attention to women’s relationship problems.
    I have experienced that bad feeling about me so many times that I wished to die rather than to live longer despite the fact that you love your man more than anything in life .
    finally I came to the conclusion that love and passion is supposed to be more important than any other thing and to reach that you need to sacrifice . I also considered the matter that life is unpredictabel and too short to struggle over such worthless issues and we’d better take it for granted whatever the situation is and enjoy being together because I don’t want to regret on day.
    Finally Thank You So much Renee for reminding me of such vital matters.
    Please Keep In touch with me ,I really love to hear from you.
    love
    Sam
    xxxxxxx

    • Renee

      Reply Reply August 16, 2011

      Hey Sam! :)

      Thank You for sharing your new realization.

      I do believe that you are ONLY sacrificing something if you perceive that you are.

      Love to you.

  • Lydia julius

    Reply Reply August 8, 2011

    Wow! This is beautiful. Renee, i must confess you are a saviour. You have just saved my relationship from collapsing. I never knew i had been wrong for blaming my fiance every time. I can see reasons he’s withdrawing. This article is really an eye opener. Thanks.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply August 16, 2011

      Hi Lydia,

      No, I’m not the savior – YOU are the one saving your relationship. Thank You for your commitment in doing so. We need more women like you out there.

      Blessings to you.

      Renee.

  • Maha

    Reply Reply August 8, 2011

    Wow! I love this article & I agree with every word you have said!
    It’s a true eye opener for me!

    Thank you so much! :)

  • Elizabeth Bello

    Reply Reply August 8, 2011

    After reading “The Fastest Way To Push A Man Away” made a lot of sense because I was able to see things from a different point of view and really made me think about what I had done in the past. If we are always being told negative things eventually we will stop trying to do things better because it will never be good enough and we give up. If we are constantly being told positive things we want to better ourselves and make the relationship work because we feel good about ourselves and how we feel when we are with the person who loves us unconditionally.

  • zigma

    Reply Reply August 8, 2011

    Dear Renee
    What you just said is so very true! I have noticed that whenever I have blamed my husband for aything, he has reacted in the way totally opposite to what i had wanted him to do. Everytime. So I have already stopped blaming him verbally , but still am working at stopping myself from giving him those looks. That being said, i have two very important questions for you
    1. What can a woman do to keep her sanity when her man is the one playing the blame game? Some men are really hypercritical and judgemental, and they do rob a woman of her spontaneity and feminity.( I am sure some reader commented on that in past)
    2. how to keep on being feminine and free when life brings you added responsibilities of being a wife, mother, daughter-in-law, aunt etc,when putting yourself second becomes the norm?(I am sure some reader said that berore me too)
    So I just gave you two very imp topics to write on, something me and many others like me want to know. looking forward to hear your views about it.

  • carolyn whitney

    Reply Reply August 8, 2011

    Very good reminder!

    • Di

      Reply Reply September 16, 2011

      Does anyone get why.. when women use the word ” YOU ” even in the most basic of statements, men take that as we are BLAMING them ?

      Example – if you say something to your partner, and days later find that they know nothing about it.. then they obviously didn’t HEAR YOU ??? .. and I see no problem in saying I mentioned that the other day but ” you mustn’t have heard me . ”

      I don’t see that as blame. I am just stating a fact.. I said this, it obviously wasn’t heard by you.. need to say it again .

      If i was blaming someone I would very clearly say – this is ALL YOUR FAULT because YOU didn’t listen.

      there is a very big difference..

      I’m trying to understand how… I am making my partner feel like he is always wrong, always at fault just by the way I am phrasing things.. but I certainly am not intending to say he is to blame.

      Does anyone understand any of this ????

      If I understand.. maybe it will be easier for me to work on changing how I say things..

      • Renee

        Reply Reply September 16, 2011

        Hey Di, I really honor you for caring enough to actively figure this out.

        This is a really intelligent question, thanks for bringing it up.

        The reason the word “YOU” is so negative is because it’s about them. it’s like the difference between a complaint and a criticism. Complaining is saying that something made you feel hurt when it happened. Criticism involves you looking to the other person’s BEHAVIOR, or what they did or didn’t do (consciously or unconsciously) and making remarks about – or insinuating that it wasn’t good enough for you. and mind you, most men can be already so RAW from their woman – or past women – blaming them, that any words you use that are not intended to blame him may feel that way to him.

        By the way – I have a quick question. Has anybody ever said something to you, and a couple days later, came and asked you about it, and you had forgotten what they said exactly?

        The reason I ask is because we all have. And I know most of us don’t intentionally forget it. Especially men! It’s just that they are not hairy women.

        And is the TRUTH really that he didn’t HEAR you? Well, maybe. Maybe that is ONE truth.

        But the question is why your focus is THERE. Because there are many other truths, too. Why are you focusing on what HE did or didn’t HEAR. this is about him and his actions. Does that make sense?

        The way it is put could feel to him, like you think he is deliberately not being enough for you. I know it’s frustrating when men don’t listen, and telling them they obviously didn’t hear you is about HIM. It feels more like criticism.

        The truth is that he is a human being, and he makes mistakes, and that is ok. So, as a loving woman, do you choose to give him room to make mistakes, or do you insist on focusing on his not hearing you?

        I know, you may not feel like you are blaming him – but this is about him FEELING blamed.

        So, again, the difference is whether it is a criticism or a complaint.

        -XxX-

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