The Fastest Way to Push a Man Away
The fastest way to push a man away, (or to fail with men in general), is to make him feel blamed.
“Oh, so you FINALLY call me?!”
“How could you do that?!”
“But ya didn’t pick up yer socks like I asked!”
“You started it!”
“You just expect me to be perfect!”
“But you’ve let yourself go! All you do is sit on the couch.”
“You never listen!”
A dirty look.
A condescending look.
When you feel hurt, or misunderstood, or scared as hell in your relationship, sometimes the last thing you want to do is take responsibility for your own emotions, and for the way you feel. It is just easier to blame, and often, it really does feel justified to blame a man, at least in the heat of the moment anyway.
And in these heated moments, it’s really easy to forget what is truly important to you. And then, wham! You just threw your values out the window, in just one second. And hurt the one you probably love the most.
Knowing something intellectually vs really doing it
Your job is not to discipline a man.
We all know this, YOU know this, intellectually. But here’s the problem.
It feels TOO GOOD to point out where he’s gone wrong. So we forget our values, and instead we take the lazy option or we do what feels good in the moment (by the way, do you ever truly feel good afterwards?) No. it’s an illusion – that blaming and letting someone know how they were wrong is going to make us feel good.
It’s like many things in life, isn’t it? We find ourselves failing to achieve what we really want because of our contradictions.
We promise to be faithful, but then we cheat on him.
We say we want to be successful, but we sabotage the job interview.
We say money isn’t important to us – but when it really comes down to it, and we’re challenged on the money side of things; we act like desperate fools.
We say we want a great relationship, but the things we do every day are destroying that possibility. (read my article about why men pull away)
Getting what you want from him…
So when it comes to a man, it’s also intuitive to repetitively point out his flaws or how he’s hurt you – it feels natural to us, because in that moment, it really does feel like we might get what we want from him.
It’s like with children. Many parents expect that by always blaming the child, beating the child, or always making the child wrong, will make the child “learn”.
Sure, the child might OBEY you, or get “good results at school”. But they are not doing it for a good reason. They’ll be doing it out of fear or to please you.
And worse still – the child develops a bad association with YOU. Not THEIR OWN behavior.
Perhaps that’s why we find children going behind our backs and doing what they are punished for. Interesting, hey?
When you make a man feel bad about himself…
The same applies with a man. Most women think that it’s so easy for a man to just leave them or cheat on them.
Well, of course he can. And of course it’s that easy for him when he feels blamed most of the time.
Of course he’s going to withdraw or leave and prefer to drink or be with his buddies or play golf rather than being with you. To him, being around you just makes him feel bad, and misunderstood.
It’s not a blame game.
As Nelson Mandela once said: blame is drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to die.
Blame, and pointing the finger feels good for a moment – but it’s like bad eating habits. It feels great to eat that chocolate or that tub of ice cream every time you’re feeling bad and need a chocolate fix – but when you’re fat and your skin is breaking out and you feel unattractive – it doesn’t feel so good then, does it?
I know from personal experience.
It feels (convincingly) good to blame a man or go to him and repeatedly try to make sure he gets the point that he’s not doing things the way you want him to or to bring him down for not meeting your standard – until you end up with a man you can’t respect because you’ve emasculated him so much, and made him feel like he’s trapped – or until he leaves you, cheats on you or he puts his work above you (which is what most men would do) – a place where he feels he can succeed.
If your goal is to feel good about yourself in the MOMENT or just to get something for yourself (selfishly) – you’ll blame and criticize and point out everything he’s doing to make the situation bad, or to make life hard for you.
If your goal is to have a loving relationship, and you really value LOVE – you’ll do something very different.
So what’s more important to you?
The dirty socks, or love and passion?
The dishes, or love and passion?
Him being punctual, or love and passion?
How misunderstood you feel, or love and passion?
You don’t have to stay and take bad treatment
You don’t have to STAY with a man that is not treating you right, and nor should you bend to bad treatment from anyone – but blaming and scolding and withholding, when it’s done all the time, over and over, just makes YOU look bad. (read my article about the problem with I’m sorry)
And it just makes a man feel bad towards YOU.
And you really want to avoid doing this with a good man (who may be easy to take for granted).
It just makes you look like a low quality mate, who’d rather sit there complaining rather than being active and doing something about it or, – even better, (alternatively) try to influence a man from a place of poise, pride and confidence.
I want to leave you with a statistic. For those who think making a man wrong is ok because he ‘deserves’ it:
A study was once done on smokers. 70% of smokers, when they have been told they will DIE if they continue smoking, still continue to smoke. That’s 70% of smokers who have been told they’ll die if they continue smoking.
Human beings respond a lot more to positive reinforcement and loving rewards than negative reinforcement or blame.
Hint: an example: instead of withdrawing or saying nasty things to him when he turns up late, try being happy when he’s actually there with you.
So, what do you choose? Love and passion? Or blaming?