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Article updated 2018

Dear Friend,

When you are in a relationship with a man, sometimes you forget that he has fears too.

You think you are the one who needs to be perfect to keep HIM around.

(Click here to take the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

And so you trust neediness.

You trust your need for approval.

What some others might called ‘over-functioning’. Over functioning IS seeking approval.

Most of the secret ‘things’ you think you can do to be a good enough woman to keep him around is shit he can pay someone for. Washing the dishes, vacuuming, cooking breakfast and dinner, cleaning the house. Paying his bills.

And most men would indeed rather pay someone for it if they could, because women are a threat to their need for emptiness and freedom, which takes a lot more value from them than the simple spending of his money does.

So you don’t need to try to be the perfect woman, then?

Well, let’s explore.

Surely, if your mind constantly seeks out the ‘answer’ or the ‘behaviour’ that reflects the perfect woman, you’ll know how to act to get the love you want, yeah?

But that gets you in a relationship with a man who is a boy or a man who might abuse you in some small or big way. Because you are primarily in it to get something. Something like self esteem, love, approval.

And when we are in something to get something, we get very, very easily hooked in a pattern – and then become unable to see how it is damaging our lives.

(Do You Know What the 2 Most Critical Elements of Any Intimate Relationship Are and How They Will Make or Break Your Love Life? Click here to find out right now…)

Approval is a resource we seek.

But this resource is like a time bomb. Only a matter of time before you retaliate against the person you seek approval from, because your self esteem then depends on them.

Then the relationship begins to die. But the problem is, when we sought for approval, we set up the equation of inevitable demise ourselves. It was never the other person. It’s how we show up.

Most of us are seeking approval a lot more than we should.

And ALL of us seek approval sometimes.

It is how much our patterns in relationships with men or even friends is about actually seeking approval, seeking their love, pleasing them, suppressing our real selves, and needing approval.

So what is the real answer?

Wouldn’t you like to know?

It’s in being high value.

And being high value is something that will attract high value in return.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How High Value Am I on Facebook?”)

In other words, be a fountain, not a drain.

When we exist as love rather than go out to do things for people just to get their approval and love in return, we take value.

An interesting thing will happen when you do this. You will see that the world will give more value to you when you do cultivate value within yourself and become this emotionally resourceful.

Think about banks…they are very happy to lend you money if you already have a lot of money, but what happens if you are broke? They’re not so happy to lend you any money. Unless you are in the US, they will give you more credit cards if you are broke.

See, if we seek approval a lot, we don’t have a relationship, we have a simple exchange. Real relationships are not about exchanges. Sacred relationships are not based on exchanges. Exchanges happen in business. Unless you want your relationship to be about business?

If we want relationships, which is what every feminine woman wants in her soul, then as women we need to choose to know that we are already love.

We choose to go from “I’m not loved enough.”

To “I am already loved.”

What that looks like is unique to you, friend. If it wasn’t, any woman could just steal your man away couldn’t she?

Do you know what attracts men naturally? Click here to find out the 17 Attraction Triggers.

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

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P.S. Connect with me on social media.

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Jessica
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Jessica

My thing is if another woman is trying to take your man, she has no respect for you or your man. However, if the man decides to go with the other woman, even though you did everything right, let him go. He’ll realize that he had a good thing, but it’s too late. A woman can try to take another woman’s man if she allows it to happen. On the other hand, how could a woman take something that was already gone?

diamond
Guest
diamond

“Existing as love” I know what this vibration is. It is attractive and warm. It sucks people in. I can do it at will, or chose to shut it down and close off. Thing is, I’ve closed it off, because men could sense it, I didn’t want to give it to them and I just didn’t want to exist like that anymore. I’ve used this vibration to heal myself from wounds and don’t project it outward to a man, unless I’m trying to get something from him. (Take). Then I do the same disappearing act for several weeks. I’ve learned… Read more »

Mary
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Mary

I understand. Unfortunately they don’t value your loving essence if it’s offered freely. Instead, they try to “suck” as much love as they can and then/in the mean time go to others to earn other benefits.

Alicia
Guest
Alicia

I know if I don’t master this one I will always end up with men that are keener on me than the reverse… But when I’m keen I will push them away… It’s tricky because all writing in this area teaches you if you’re keen the guy gets the heebejeebies and looking at Marisa’s email above it scares me to go near a man who isn’t showing up pretty interested and consistent to start in case I end up feeling disappointed and like I was just kidding myself

Alicia
Guest
Alicia

Love the article. One thing I am confused on at the moment – which definitely means I have something to learn as I doubt you are saying contradictory things just I can’t see the difference – what’s the difference between needing a man in your body, in your gut because you like him the way he is – which means I ”want’ his attebtion, time, interest (I don’t mean in some crazy taking over his life way just a couple of times a week and texts in between). And taking… Totally get if you want someone for money, love etc… Read more »

With love ♡
Guest
With love ♡

Hi Renee 🙂 I had to come and re-read this article for a second/thrid time round, but with a different mindset. My mom booked me acupuncture as a gift. She booked it so it would release blocked energy as she knows that I’ve had my difficulties. I went to my moms home last night and picked up a book that she brought to mine before when she came to visit. I felt fascinated with the book- as if I was drawn to read it. So when I went yesterday I saw the book on the side and immediately knew I… Read more »

Kendra
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Kendra

This is a great article! I’ve noticed whenever I don’t get attention or love from someone I care about, I get scared and I do crazy things like Facebook stalking, buying lots of things for them, trying to become the person they’re paying the most attention to, or sometimes yelling at them. I learned it was because I did not want to be abandoned again or told I wasn’t good enough. I learned when I act out, I get what I want. When I spend money, I get what I want, but it leaves me empty. It’s never enough. So… Read more »

hollykins ♡
Guest
hollykins ♡

Hi Renee 🙂 I was really excited to read this, it had a mesmerising affect. I’ve just wrote down some of your words on a peice of paper to bare in mind always. For me it has felt extremely hard and difficult to believe “I am already love”. At least on a conscious level I can tell myself that all day long. At a deep psychological level it doesn’t fit who I am inside. So this is the point I decided to work past resistance and go in the opposite direction to what I’ve always known and have been. Can… Read more »

Joan
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Joan

Plus too, I think we will be very unhappy seeking approval all the time. I don’t ever want to be that unhappy, feeling that I need to get love because I’m not enough. But, of course I am enough. When I am authentic. To grasp hold of your identity and authenticity may not come easy, but it sure is worth it. Some men may feel it is wonderful to have that perfect housekeeper. She doesn’t say a thing, she just cleans and cleans. After a while, and I have seen it, it will get on his nerves. Because deep down… Read more »

shipra
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shipra

Hi Renee hope you are doing well.No doubt , its a wonderful article but I want to request you to write the way you used to do earlier.I guess due to some negative feedback of 1 or 2 persons you have changed the style of your writing.Since then there is always something missing in your articles, I really don’t know what dear but there is something .I guess that’s not fair for all of those who enjoyed more of your previous style of writing , more detailed, more heart touching and every single word of which very well justified the… Read more »

Joan
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Joan

I would like to second that. I like all the details.

Joy
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Joy

I totally agree! There’s something different about this article and this is not the ‘voice’ that I have gotten used to and love! This felt so ‘third-person’ and distant. Your writing used to feel more personal…

Mona
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Mona

I’m sorry, this might seem funny, but the requests about how the articles should be written so reminded me of this story: Once a man, his son and their donkey travelled on a road. Another traveller came by and said, “what funny people you are. You have a donkey to ride on, yet you don’t use it.” So the father sat his son on the donkey and they carried on. Another traveller passed by, addressing the boy this time: “Dont you have any respect for your elders? Surely he deserves more to sit on the donkey than you.” So they… Read more »

Melanie
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Melanie

I disagree with you. I found her previous posts a bit scattered and repetitive. True, her thoughts were heartfelt; and I know that’s what we want: warmth and candor and juicy details. But good writing takes practice. It’s a craft. It takes constant editing to make each word count; and punctuation matters. So, I would say she is honing her craft. Her most recent posts show that.

Eventually, she will come full circle; with her distinctive voice clarified and sharpened.

Mona
Guest
Mona

I have been following this blog for about 18 months I think. I have read every single article. Many of them leave me none the wiser. Some of them I find contradict each other. A few of them I totally disagree with and they make me furious. However there are about 5 articles in total that have truly changed my relationship with my husband for the better, and changed how I view and appreciate men in general, all for free. I have been on other similar webpages, written by women closer to my age (40s), but they didn’t make the… Read more »

Michelle U.
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Michelle U.

care to share the 5 articles you mentioned that made a diff?

Phoenix
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Phoenix

I have always enjoyed and found great insight in your writings Renee. In fact I agree with 90% of what you suggest. I’ve grown into being more high-valued. I had to learn not to choose low-value men. But one thing that I have a question about is pertaining to what Katelyn wrote about not hearing from your man for days or weeks and letting your imagination get the best of you. Who does that to a partner? No communication to say”I won’t be communicating for several days.” To be honest, to just say nothing about the lack of communication, in… Read more »

Anna
Guest
Anna

Hey Phoenix,
It’s pretty common for a man to do this. But it’s the meaning you place on it that causes grief… You might think he doesn’t care, he’s taking advantage of me, or he’s rude… But that might not be the case. You can reframe the situation to be more high value. I learned a lot about this from Renée’s understanding men course. How men think & act differently. He doesn’t intend to hurt you, if he really cares. It’s just how he rolls. And that’s what makes him a man & not us 🙂

Kris
Guest
Kris

There’s no way she can be specific. Each woman has to find her own path to self-enlightenment. You can be told how to get there, but no one can take you through as each journey is different. Uniqueness is the catch 22. It separates us from anyone else, yet it separates us from anyone else. In essence, I took from the article not necessarily what it means, but how I see it to mean. We see things as we are, not as they are. Perception is variable and highly subjective. There’s no way a woman could steal my man because… Read more »

Katelyn
Guest

After going through Understanding Men I have a better understanding and appreciation for a man’s need for freedom while in a relationship. Now, when my man does not text me for a few days/weeks and I want to make contact, I stop for a second and wonder, “Am I doing this just to get his attention and to take from him?” It’s certainly a work in progress. I feel that now since there is so much less fear, anxiety and frustration from me, that I can say with complete confidence that I can love and give to him in a… Read more »

Anna
Guest
Anna

Renee, this is very true. I’ve noticed a lot of women have a constant fear that someone will steal away their man. But if you look at it from another angle, he’s just as worried that another man will steal you. Before, I wasn’t so high value, and I had this fear. But thanks to your coaching and programs, I was able to see this, and now I can say that on a regular basis, almost 99.9% of the time, I do not have this fear. I’m certain that another woman cannot take him away. Because… I can give him… Read more »

tower
Guest
tower

I don’t see how this specific article explains it’s title. This information’s been in every article issued recently by Renee. No details, no actions, no anything a little bit clear.. Renee likes to be mysterious haha. So, how exactly to keep a man ? Is being feminine, self-confident, high value enough? Heck no. It is not enough. But please, if Renee really wanted to help women, she would be more specific in her articles… and tell exactly what she means by telling “all love”, “high value”, “feminine woman”. It might be assumed that women who read this are not really… Read more »

cathy
Guest
cathy

Hey Renee, I think i know what you mean because 2 years ago, I over came an addiction. The process of overcomibg it was being in the moment and letting myself be myself, feeling the love and showing up as love. I met a man who I felt was just my fit. We were both young and he had said that he wasnt looming for anything serious. I wasnt either because I was in such a full and healing state. But our vhemistry and connection was amazing and I fell really hard. After 2 weeks I told him id like… Read more »

Carlene
Guest
Carlene

Can you be a little bit more specific? I am a little dense sometimes.

What exactly does “exist in love” mean?

Instead of doing things for him, what should we do? Can you give specific examples of showing you “are already love”? I really really am clueless.

Anna
Guest
Anna

Hi Carlene – To exist in love… I think means to do things from a place of being loving, and not to get something, like attention, respect, commitment… Instead of doing things for him to GET LOVE, we might just focus on being happy, and focus on how he makes you happy. Because one of mens’ greatest insecurities is that they aren’t making a woman happy. So I would focus on how he makes you happy, and letting him know these reasons, than doing things for him. Of course, you can still do things for him, but only do it… Read more »

Tanisha
Guest
Tanisha

That wasnt what I expected at all! lol, it really does make a lot of sense though. No one can love my dude the way I can. However, the cynic in me says men do enjoy variety. Another woman’s style of authenticity offers him a chance to explore that. I dont feel keeping a good man is even possible; it’s really him deciding to keep us. Our style of authenticity was magnitizing enough to cause him to want to see more and more of it. Renee says a man loves their freedom. Trying to keep a man is like caging… Read more »

Stephanie Brown
Guest
Stephanie Brown

This deserves a copy & paste.
Very well said, Darling!

Sakina
Guest
Sakina

Hey Renee!
I just love your articles.. They give alot of important things a woman should know and realise. I was always scared of loosing my Man. May be because He doesnt say I love you to me and never made our relationship public. Though his actions reflects the fact that he loves me, Im still scared and feel insecure when he post something about his Friends in girls.
May be I need to realise things 🙂
Thank you once again..

Kimberly
Guest
Kimberly

Renee,
I love how you just say it. You don’t try and make it dramatic or ‘powerful’. I feel like your writing cuts through all the crap, you really bring it to the most important essentials. So keep writing because I think women ought to hear the real/authentic way to becoming more themselves and stop living in fear.
Thank you,
Kim

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