After work she eats until she numbs herself.

When she’s numb from food, she reads a romance novel, maybe watches dramatic TV.

When she gets frustrated enough at living love through a stupid-ass novel, she hates other women who have loving husbands to distract her from her true craving for a man.

When she becomes too fat for her own ideals, she begins an exercise regime just to feel good enough about herself to keep her authentic craving for a man at bay.

When she hates other women long enough for having what she believes she doesn’t have, she uses work to feel good about herself.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

‘That bitch has got a man and beautiful kids, but I’M successful.’

But still the truth is this… our running from our craving is really just a stupid strategy and story that we adopted somewhere along the way that helped us deal with the fact that in our heart, we have a desire to surrender to a trustworthy man.

And, our distraction strategies work. We can’t always feel all our truest cravings – we wouldn’t be able to live our lives and still feel safe.

And there’s a problem with surrendering to our truest nature and our truest heart’s desire.

Because if we wanted a man who rips us open and causes us to surrender in love that badly, then what if other women judge us for being who we really are?

And more – what if we get hurt? What if my heart gets broken? What if I then had to face all the feelings of inadequacy that come with love?

What if I’m truly NOT enough?

Our living out of our true craving magnifies other’s emotions, even in men.

And our fakeness, living a lie and superficiality can always be confirmed by the people round us who prefer to keep us where we are, treating us, perhaps, like the unemotional beings that we appear to be.

Inside, we’re not though. We are raging, we are hurting, we are craving to surrender to a man, we have deeper love to offer almost anyone but we struggle to show it, AND sometimes we want to kill, sometimes we hate, sometimes we love so deeply it feels like it’s too much for our bodies, sometimes we really just want to be the mommy or the cheerleader we secretly always wanted to be, or the bubbly goddess, but hell, other women will hate us or reject us for it, maybe. Because bitchy.

So we turn to substitutes.

Substitutes for love, which is at the core of WHO we are, even though how we all want to show it may come out differently, and uniquely.

I’ve used substitutes, and sometimes I still use them when I’m scared.

Love is hard because it is. And what IS isn’t enough these days. We have to ‘have’ something, we have to ‘be’ successful, we have to ‘be’ worthy. Or something.

You know those women who deny that they want any relationship, but the way their denial comes out, in itself, feels aggressive and defensive to you?

(That’s how intense our core wants us to exist and offer the love that we are.)

We are all those women who deny we want to experience love, or could potentially have been.

16 year olds are this woman, and 75 year olds are this woman.

Women in marriages can be this woman.

Waiting and waiting some more. Waiting with food, waiting with friends, waiting with movies, waiting with novels, waiting with superficial sex with the hottest guys.

Because waiting distracts us, and makes us feel worthy for long enough that we don’t have to sit on the bathroom floor in despair over our true heart’s craving for a man.

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Food never replaces his loving presence.

Work never replaces his embrace.

Porn never substitutes for his penetration; trustable emotional and physical penetration.

Romance novels never compare to a real life love story that’s so imperfect is becomes perfect.

The men who devote their heart and soul to us are the ones who are ready to meet our vulnerable craving, loving hearts. Anything less and he chooses another who exudes open hearted craving and loving.

In my belief, the devoted men are not looking for the breast implants, not the make up.

Not the well conditioned hair.

Not the perfectly sculpted bum.

Not the tanned skin, not the long legs.

Not the perfect freckles, not the exotic face.

Not the perfect dress or bikini. Not the perfect smile.

Just perfectly vulnerably existing, open hearted craving for a man.

Are you ready to believe that?

It’s ok if you’re not. It is waiting for us when we are ready.

When we are ready, we can drop the importance of the make up and the cute clothes and designer purchases, and instead, just crave openly through our bodies and our gait, our breath and our eyes, and the devoted man who is sensitive to our existence and strong enough to protect, will come forward and claim us, for that’s what he needs.

Find out how your vulnerability can inspire men, click here.





  • Kathy says:

    Beautiful :’) bought tears to my eyes.

  • Conservative Viking says:

    This article hit me hard. Renee knows strong men and what they represent. My wife has serious self esteem issues that have nearly destroyed the last thread left between us. The lies. The cheating. It never stops no matter how good I am to her. I’ve forgiven it all but she doesn’t understand or can’t allow herself to be the vulnerable, loving woman I need. I have a primal urge to love, cherish and protect her. She’s beautiful to me and loving/making love to her is always on my mind. She’s just too closed and guarded to let me in. It’s devastating when mental illness creates such a massive divide and skews reality.

  • Peter says:

    Good god missy – you can’t possibly be that open and direct and not expect a bitchiness of some sort to strike you (or so we are led to believe).
    What a fantasticly open perspective though – thank you for sharing it – and really, just thank you for actually being a woman properly – not a little girl, not a mad bitch, just a woman.

    Peter G

  • Niceice says:

    Ugh, the more I read this place, the more it sounds like it caters exclusively to heterosexual women and just gleefully wants to continue telling women it’s okay to look at themselves as “children” in relationships. It sounds like a whiny Taylor-Swift fan wrote this website.

  • Tanya Rachel Wieczorek says:

    Is that last sentence in the largest paragraph correct the way it is? “Because bitchy”?

    I don’t get it.

  • Viki Samoja says:

    As a man, i can honestly say everything Renee says is true, i need to point out a few things tough. What is important to know is that men are just as supressed and insecure as you are. Our whole life it was drummed into our head that masculinity is something dirty, monsterous and evil. Many men this days repress a masculne man inside themselves, as to not offend women around them. What is important to know is men have a natural tendency to protect women, and we were led to believe that even glimpsing our masculinity would hurt them somehow. I myself was like this before i found PUA community. Now before you jump to conclusions you need to know that PUA has been grossly misrepresented in the media, it is not what you think, not at all. Un it’s essence, when youstripp off all the fancy layers it simply boils down to men attuning with their inner male, the same waywomen here attune to their inner female. It is not about deception, it does not teach men how o pretend they are alpha, because most men don’t need to, they already have it within them. The problem PUA have is that they basically have to pull fouble shifts, not only dp we have to release our inner male, we also need to draw out the inner woman in our date, which is really hard considering most women this days are repressed, and would react violently if anyone suggested they should be more feminine. The problem is, without woman pulling he own weight it just can’t last, the first time PUA has a bad day or does not feel like being alpha that gay(we all have bad days) the whole thing explodes, and relationship breaks apart. Also i think most of us still can’t shake a feeling we are coercing women somehow, remember it was drummed into our heads from the earliest age that masculine=evil. I am really pleased to find out there is a female counterpart to this that aligns almost perfectly with the male counterpart. Unlike fake BS like the “rules” i guarantee this is the real deal, if your men does not respond to this know it is not your fault, it is him, he is the one denying his true nature. And to Renee, thatkk you and keep fighting the good fight.

  • Kevin says:

    Do women REALLY crave a man ?? This is coming from a guy that has observed shockingly mean & nasty behaviour from mainly young women. Have worked as door staff @ various venues & have witnessed countless times girls enticing guys to buy them drinks…then immediately giving a ” F*** OFF CREEP !! ” type rejection & then laughing at them & going for as much humiliation as possible…I took great pleasure in then ejecting them from one venue…alcohol & frustrated & humiliated young guys = trouble !! Also I was snarled at then kicked by a young “woman “ crime ??..holding a door open & being a gentleman !! Many men are becoming jaded & giving up on women as these are not isolated incidents.

    • Cassie says:

      My goodness! Where do you live?!? Where do you socialize? I have personally never met these hateful women you are describing. I think perhaps you need some new surroundings. Quality ladies do NOT behave this way.
      And yes, women do crave men. Self-aware and confident women are not afraid to admit wanting and needing a man.

      • Screw_Globalism says:

        Cassie , I live in Nottingham UK , & thank you for your positive comments ! I’m about to separate from my soon to be ex wife & will be staying single post divorce & will be moving to pastures new once my children are grown up ,but for now they need me. Being single also means I can be a better dad.

      • Noah brandini says:

        In the United States it’s very common this behaviour in nightclubs and with young women.

    • Phoebe says:

      Women don’t crave men- they crave masculine, trustworthy, loving men! Most men aren’t in touch with their masculinity and their integrity , so it’s no wonder they attract those kinds of women. A true man would get to know a woman before offering to buy her a drink.

      Cassie- I agree. I never acted nasty like that.

      • Screw_Globalism says:

        Phoebe , part of the problem is that the controlled ” media ” seeks to poison everyone’s minds to make us fear & hate each other , ie men are always portrayed as stupid sex crazed expendable morons , so it’s little wonder a large percentage of women view men as lesser beings , women as emotional thinkers are more prone to this negative programming…” Divide & Rule ” at work.

    • Pooja Pophale says:

      Choose the woman carefully Kevin.

    • Peter says:

      That’s just reactionary behavior – takes some balls to digest it as such though.

  • Chrysalis says:

    Hi Renee,
    Thanks for the article. I feel the word “vulnerable” is a pretty loaded word. Vulnerable does not mean weak, though we tend to confuse it with weakness. Especially, when a man tries to dominate and control power in a relationship. We want to be taken care of, pampered, protected, be able to express our feelings but at the same time we have to be strong and to be honest with ourselves about what we want in life and to count on our instincts to be able to move on with life when a man is non existent in our life, is emotionally unavailable or withdrawn due to some reason. Personally I have learnt that vulnerability is being true to myself, honesty with my own feelings to myself and communicating them and any violation of boundaries in a honest, assertive/ high value way to a man, to be consistent and follow through with consequences.I am learning this myself the hard way. I guess this is called “tough love” with oneself and others. I am learning that, when I give importance to my feelings, others will follow suite.

  • Lilly says:

    This Article made me tear up because it resonated with me so deeply.
    I am 25 Years Old, and I feel so alone. I am not like the other girls my age or like women in general. I feel so alone and sometimes I hate being feminine and soft. Older men go out of their way to help me, and are protective of me, but guys my age seem to after the easy girls it seems. Even though for some reason I am not attracted to them, I still crave the male attention.
    Something very strange happens with the guys my age, its like they want to be around me, they like my presence but I do not hear them speak of me like they do the other girls, they always talk about how “hott” they are, and I know I am beautiful and am prettier than a lot of the other girls.
    I am always genuinely smiling, kind, and loving, I love to play and have fun, so I do not understand why they don’t speak about me that way.
    The other girls do not seem to want to be around me despite of my cheerfulness and friendliness. Sometimes I want to mascarade as one of them, then maybe I would make more friends and get more male attention.
    I have a lot of value great self esteem but being myself does not seem to do much for me socially.
    Sometimes although the girls are my age, and I like to shop and have fun like any other girl in their 20s, I am more modest, and I oftentimes when I am around them I feel way older and more mature, I have also felt this way with women older than me, like they alienate me.
    I also seem to be attracted to Older Men with Masculine Traits, Kindness, Presence, and Visible Physical Strength. Most guys my age are sort of still evolving. But at the same time I am very shy about, and intimidated to date older men.
    I feel so incredibly lost.
    I yearn for not only a Masculine Man’s Presence, but also for young women to be friends with? The other females do not seem to want to be around me however open and friendly I am towards them.
    So my question is… how does a young feminine woman cope when she feels like Bo Peep and a World full of Sharks? Is being a Feminine Woman a Lonely Path? Where or how would I find young women my age who are like me who might want to be my friend? Should I try to be more like the Modern Girl to get by in this Culture? Are there Masculine Men who are in their 20s/Late 20s who might be looking for a girl like me, or do I expand my age range to men in their 30’s? Could you maybe write an article for the young feminine women in their 20s and down? if there are any?

    • practicalh says:

      I can relate. I am a man and I almost started crying. This should be a mandatory reading to every “single professional” woman out there, especially in big cities. The question is whether you find these trustworthy men as a woman, regardless of how wonderful you are. Also, being that craving woman is not a guarantee that they guy won’t leave/cheat as that often has nothing to do with a woman’s behavior, however wonderful she might be.

    • Super Janice says:

      Be yourself! I believe that you can attract the men you want! I believe you can find feminine girlfriends one day!

    • Pooja Pophale says:

      You spoke my heart out Lilly.
      I am confident I am finding my guy who is seeing value I offer him in the way I am.And I am confident that you will too.
      I feel older men have a well-evolved masculinity which goes beyond superficial qualities.

    • Peter says:

      They are saving you from all that hottness rubish the world is busy with these days darling – guys instinctively refuse to offend or use a genuinely kind and feminine woman. What you are worried about is probably your greatest gift – sex based on self hatred, and that part of social life, is not much to be missing out on.
      You just need one decent man to be dedicating his attention to you, that’s all.

    • Noah brandini says:

      Renee already made an article about this issue. It’s really helpful. Read it here.

      Is Having Low Value Friends Even Worth It?

  • Adele says:

    I have a good man who came back to me after some years apart.

    I’m more honest with myself about wanting a man. I cry about it sometimes. I feel the ache in my heart, the craving, the yearning. It’s so strong.

    I still feel insecure though. This man was someone I was only casually involved with a few years ago, but I had strong feelings for him. I killed the attraction with my expectations and blaming.

    He came back and it really shocked me. He’s so handsome and charismatic. Women love him. There’s a part of me that questions that he would want to be with me. I’m not as pretty as his ex girlfriends.

    • Super Janice says:

      Femininity are not only for “pretty” and “skinny” girls. You are a feminine women! If you are more feminine than his ex girlfriends, you may keep him!

    • Peter says:

      Renee, in my humble experience, is the only woman on this planet confident enough to say it and see it how it is. Insecurity, at various levels, is rampant, in men and women.

  • Yasinta says:

    Hi Renee

    This post and your works helped me to see more and deeper trough my man’s soul.
    He is a strong masculine man, he holds so many responsibility in his life and I can see how he hates being destracted from his focus.
    Lately he became so sensitive, even just before I read this post, we got misunderstanding, I asked him to have vacation together, and he answer me with long sentences which explain of how he still have many things and situation to face in his business and that he’s not fit enough yet to travel, after the surgery he had 2 months ago. I can feel his anger and he asked me to understand his situation.
    On one side I also feel angry, I just want to communicate & that Idea I’m sure you know is a symbol of how I miss & need him.
    And I keep remembering what I learned from you, so I just let him.. I answered him, “I didn’t push you to go, am I wrong for asking you, I understand your situation and I’m sorry if I make you feel misunderstood.” All happened by text after our morning greeting ritual.
    Yes, it scary..and there is fight or flight feeling when I face that kind of situation, I also feel misunderstood.
    But I choose to be open & honest about my feeling that I crave for him.


  • Alexis says:

    Hello Renee,
    I am a 20 year old girl in college and i am a junior. I read your emails all the time and they have opened up a new thought process for me. I have two questions for you though.
    Recently my father just passed away 4 months ago and in college it has been hard for me now (and in the past) to find guys who are strong and want to commit. I feel like college is a hard place to use your advice because many men in college do not yearn for a relationship, especially at the age of 20. I really want a man in my life right now more than anything, who is strong and loving. Its something i have always wanted. But especially now as i am very very hurt and grieving. However, in college there seems to be no luck at all. Why is this?

    • Super Janice says:

      You are a feminine woman, I believe that you can attract masculine men–look at Renee’s webpage on Understanding Men to know how men feel so that you can understand their needs!

    • Noah brandini says:

      Is Having Low Value Friends Even Worth It?

  • Ruth says:

    One thing I don’t understand.

    Women want men to protect them, keep them safe and cherish them, in a nutshell. What on earth do men want from women? What, bottom line, are they searching for and are attracted to? I wish I could figure this out.

    • Renee Wade says:

      You asked a good question. Now stay with your last question and you’ll figure it out. the title of this blog helps with a bit of the answer.

    • John Doe says:

      Do you really not know? I would think it was obvious, but maybe it is a matter of perspective. Feminine women want men to protect them, and masculine men want to protect. It really is that simple. If men feel that you are something worth protecting and you can benefit from feeling or being protected, then that makes them want you more and increases our feelings of self worth and.

    • Trivedi Effect says:

      Ruth, you asked an important question! Hopefully, you will get right answers for it. Men and women both are looking for unconditional love, when you will get unconditional love in your life you will get the answers. What a man or women exactly wants to each other.

    • Peter says:

      Someone to protect and love, and be protected by (in the sense that trust won’t be betrayed). Someone to confide in – and women are much more natural at being caring and, well, feminine.

  • Alicia says:

    Hi renee!

    I LOVE all your articles. Thank you.

    I have a question. I really like someone am resisting – expressing my feelings and how much I need him (sexually and emotionally so not even in words…) i know see that’s not v loving or brave – I’m looking to him to make me feel safe first and the truth is i will never feel safe I will always worry maybe he stops liking me or likes someone else .. So the question is any advice on loving with this fear so I don’t take it out on him or withhold from him (I’m really withholding from him to protect myself) but I can feel my body withdraw when feelings mount in me…. Which gives opp signal and may well confuse him…

  • With love says:

    Hi Renee 🙂

    This is great timing to read this article and to receive volume 2 of ACM, as I just went through a painful, painful, gut wrenching experience with someone who was brutal with my emotions. I feel that I must have spent the last five months plus in an emotional boxing ring being beaten down for the fun of it. It was awful and life will never be the same again, but for all the right reasons as the whole situation brought me to life and the fight within that I never ppermitted up until this point.

    It’s going to take a long, long time to heal sufficiently and then truly I’ll feel open to connecting with a man to this type of expereince. But first things have to heal properly!

    I can remember a few years back when I was lieing on my bed, and visualising feeling all loved up to a man that I once knew and felt so happy in that moment. It was an over whelming bodily feeling where I felt euphoria and blown away to the what could be, and when I went down stairs, I looked on the tv and there was a couple on a programme.

    The programme was about physical appearance. And it featured women with self image problems, that obsessed about there looks in unhealthy ways.

    There was a woman who had low self esteem and every time she went out, she had a crazy routine in the fact that she had to do certain things to be happy and feel ‘confident’ to go out on the clubs. One of her conditions was that if she didn’t get noticed or attention when she was out, she’d feel down or want to go home; as if she believed in the back of her mind that others had a right a right to prioritise her worth in a validating way and that she was only worthy if she caugut some attention from the opposite sex.

    On the reverse side, the programme was about people with abnormalities also, or ‘ugly’ people and a camera crew went and interviewed the less than perfect people, and also recorded the people with self image problems meeting the people whos looks were not normal.

    I can always remember, there was a couple where the lady had problems whith her physical appearance, and her husband didn’t have any problems with his appearance. And I’ll never forget, how in love the couple were and had an amazing connection to one another.

    The lady with the self image problem met the couple and was taken back by the couples unconditional love for one another that she ccouldn’t believe it, yet she was so tired up in her physical appearance that she felt it would stop her from attracting love.

    Well I feel what I saw resonated on my belief system and realising now that countless women probably feel this way.

    So I say YES, I will be open and can have a hungry heart and all the rest of it when living in a place of high value, confidence, real self worth, feminine energy and of feeling healed properly.

    Loved this article :), it hit many notes in the piano in my body.

    With love ♥

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi ‘With love’,

      Your story about the tv show just reminds me of how important it is to be full up ourselves, without excessively needing validation; the constant need of validation makes our decision making in relationships weak. ie; the decisions relating to being with a man, staying with a man….etc.

      Thanks for writing!

      – Renee.

      • with love says:

        Hi again Renee 🙂

        Good to read your response at this critical point in my life!

        I can totally relate to what you’ve said, where us as women need to come from a place of feeling validated within their right to be able to make their own decisions when it comes to interacting with men.

        And omg, I’m so, so, so greatful that you put the added bonus in with volume 2 of ACM. Literally it’s just saved me of a difficult situation that I was in over the last five months plus.

        It was the part where you said, love yourself enough to know you deserve better and to do it for a loved one.

        Well I took a’lot of s**t off the man I’m talking about. I unintentionally put him on a pedestal even though I wasn’t garnering the most amount of respect from him.

        Anyhow, from what I read last night, I thought thats it, I’m not taking it anymore! I’ve got a daughter to take care of, so when he knocked on the door today I already had a plan of action in mind.

        So I just finished my hair and makeup and was wearing an outfit that I like and thats when the door knocked unannounced, and just so happened to be making my way down the stairs. I knew that it could only be him.

        I smiled at him confidently and si hi in a heightened voice. Then I wrapped my hands round the back of his neck whilst I lent over and kissed his as if I was really happy to see him…

        And thats when I pulled back a pushed him back a little bit, only to say bye with a cheeky grin, shutting the door.

        Because this is the day I decided to claim my self worth and to discard of a man who wasn’t really showing much respect!

        At the end of the day, a woman doesn’t need a reason to be with or without someone, and thats how a person truly validates themself.I feel very empowered now.

        I sent him a message after saying now “we’re done”, yours truly…

        I guess the message is, determine your own self worth so no one else has to. And regardless to what the lady looked like on the tv programme, she shouldn’t of gave so much personal power away to other people who weren’t even important in her life. They were her nobodies off the street.

        And as for the person who I spent my time with over the last five months, as much as it was painful and coruptive on many levels, I learnt and grew so much as a person. My higher self thanks him, so I hear in my mind…

  • cathy says:

    Wow! This is almost poetic! I LOVE this! Wow, Renee!

  • Kelsi says:

    Hi Renee,

    I love this article and once again it came at the perfect time! My man follows a lot of girls he knows from school or his past on Instagram and it makes me so uncomfortable. He used to like a lot of their pictures and I told him that upset me so he stopped. But it still bothers me that he follows them. Most of them post attractive selfies and I don’t want to bring this up again because I’m afraid he will think I’m being controlling. Should this bother me so much? He is a great boyfriend and tells me how much he loves me all the time.


  • Amy B says:

    Thanks Renee for the reminder that it’s okay to be vulnerable. I’m working on this, and everything you write reinforces to me that it’s not only okay to be vulnerable, that for me, anyway, it’s no longer an option to be so closed.

  • Safira says:

    Hi Renee,

    Prior to finding your site, I met a man who I feel totally ripped me wide open. I was on my BS like no other, thinking that on our first date we would just hook up and be done with it. He had such a masculine energy I had never experienced before that the moment I saw him I felt my suppressed feminine energy rise up and take over. It is very strange for me, and honestly quite scary. I’ve only known him for a few weeks, been on 2 dates, but our limited time together has been very passionate and so magnetic. My concern is that now it is a challenge for us to see each other since we live so far away. I used to work near him, but recently lost that job. How can I (or we) continue building on the connection we have started? In the beginning he showed some concern of not getting too close because we knew I wasn’t going to be local any more. I had to assure him that I would make effort to see him. Now our conversations are minimal. He’ll respond to me if I text him, sometimes right away, sometimes hours later. I’m wondering if I should chalk it up to a love experienced and lost, or keep the door open.

    • Sandra81 says:

      Right now I’m in a situation similar to yours. We started from a woderful, yet long-distance friendship with some underlying tones of attraction waiting to burst. After we met, 10 months went by without seeing each other, but we kept in constant contact. And when we met… things happened, and it was magic. For me, it was the closest I ever got to a man, both physically and emotionally. However, after we parted ways again, it’s like you said – our contact is minimal. We limit ourselves to birthday/Xmas/New Year wishes and the occasional “like” on Facebook. He started a relationship with a girl from his group of friends, but you can tell he’s with her just for convenience. I don’t have ANY doubts that he cared about me, like I cared about him. It’s been a year now, I miss him, from all points of view, but, at the same time, I realize that because of the distance, the relationship would’ve hardly been sustainable. Time and money are an issue for both of us at the moment (both of us are still studying). I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future. But I’ll definitely cherish his memory and he’ll always have a special place in my heart. <3

  • Maria says:

    Hi Renee! I love this is so true. Being more our vulnerable feminie self 🙂

    But I’m a little confused with the link to the 17 attraction trigers. I’ve read it, but it has many of the things you say here a man isn’t interested in e.g. hair, cleavage, smile, bum, high heels to make legs look longer etc..things to get his attention. Can you please explain why these 17 triggers are so important if men really just want us to be vulnerable? ?

    • Renee Wade says:

      haha, Maria, my assistant Jenny does these links.

      The attraction triggers are important for understanding what actually attracts men viscerally. It is there for that first point of consideration – there are women who are only interested in that, and that is ok, too. Not everyone has to be interested in attracting a devoted man, like I or you may be.

      The thing about attraction triggers is that it’s important to know them, I believe, anyway. That’s why I wrote them.

      I will think about whether it’s best to take this link out of this post.

  • Denia says:

    I can totally relate to this:

    “The men who devote their heart and soul to us are the ones who are ready to meet our vulnerable craving, loving hearts. Anything less and he chooses another who exudes open hearted craving and loving.”

    I just went through broke up with a boyfriend of two years, and though it hurt like hell, I have chalked it up to him not being ready for the real, vulnerable me. See, two years ago when we started dating I was the type of woman who thought she had no emotions.

    What a joke.

    I thought I would be appear stronger by concealing my true desire for genuine closeness. This may be true, but it certainly didn’t get me the type of relationship I really want at my core. (According to your quiz I am 49% feminine, but that is still a hell of a lot, considering!)

    Anyway, now that my heart is open and I am more honest with myself, suddenly I have been receiving unexpected invitations to date from several other men. Even though I am still in a healing process and not completely ready to get back out there, it is amazing how the universe will get rid of what isn’t serving you, and bring you what you actually need, the moment you are more authentic.

    Thanks for such a raw and honest post, Renee.



    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Denia,

      Thanks for your great comment.

      It’s poignant that you feel like that man wasn’t ready to love you in that way. Many men aren’t, otherwise more of us would feel ok doing it.

      But our craving is the right thing for the right man and that’s what’s so good about it.


    • Super Janice says:

      Are you a feminine woman?

  • estela says:

    Wow, this was a very deep and thoughtful article. It really resonated with me. This past year I feel ive changed so much, thanks to your understanding men program. I’ve become a lot more open, with my heart on my sleeve, and also understanding. I’ve been with my man for almost a year which wouldnt have been possible otherwise. However, I’m craving intimacy from him, which I’m not receiving. I’m trying to be patient but we have never slept together, he said he needs to be in love first, but after a few months he said he was ready but then kept cancelling and rejecting me, then coming back and apologizing. I’m a bit confused but he knows how much I care for him, because he’s amazing in every other aspect.

    • cathy says:

      Wow! Denia and Renee,thank you both! Its just clarifying a theme in my life right now that the body knows what it needs if you just listen… whether its eating more veggies, starting a dance aerobic class or craving a depth to all your relationships 🙂

  • Angel says:


    Beautiful article. Thank you for writing it.
    I wanted to reach out here because I feel I have nowhere else to go.
    I feel so full right now. Cluttered. It is overwhelming here inside me. I think right now the feeling that I can almost touch is sadness, hopelessness.
    I am feeling trapped inside myself. I feel paralizing fear and I feel like no matter what I do in life, I am not worthy of goodness, not worthy of love. I know it is all in my head and it has been there all my life, I just feel like I am dying. Like I don’t know how to break free.
    Ever since I was a little girl, I learned to be afraid of men. They scare me and I had never noticed that.
    I have always been attracted to men, but ever since at the tender age of 5 I tried to reach out to them, there has been rejection. Intellectually I understand that we are never rejected but it is a feeling that has been recreated in my life again and again. It feels as if every man I try to get close to ends up rejecting me, no matter what I do and it just feels so painful. I don’t know how to get over this fear, this sadness, this aloneness. Your messages resonate with me so much, but every time I read them, this deep feeling comes back. I can’t stop crying right now.
    How can I release myself from all this and find love? It is all about confidence and femininity, but I do not know how to find those. It feels like I don’t have a clue where to get them.
    They are supposed to be at my core, but why can’t I feel them?
    Have you ever felt this way? How can you get out of this?
    Once again, thank you for doing what you do and touching us all.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Angel, you are already releasing it now, by your comment it shows.

      The tears are a sign that you’re surrendering to something deeper than just the superficial ‘stuff’ you try to tell yourself, and you just have to stick with your feelings, exactly as you are doing now, to get to your core. Sounds so weird, it’s true though, at least in my bias.

      I have absolutely been through this; what you are describing. It is tiring.

  • Lisa says:

    Great article Renae. I used to be this woman and still am a bit but since reading your stuff and doing Commitment Control I strive to be open more hearted and more feminine.

    I have an amazing man. We have been together for 3 years now. For the first 2 years I was very jealous and hated him being friends with other women, I felt threatened by them.

    It took breast cancer and 6 months of chemotherapy to show me how much my man loves me. He took care of me through chemo and still loved me when I only had a few ugly strands of grey hair on my head and when I was in extreme agony and couldn’t do anything for myself.

    I never usually write back about your articles, but I thought today’s was super excellent.


    • Renee Wade says:

      Aww, well thanks for writing back this time, Lisa.

      And your story about your breast cancer – thank you for writing that. It’s helpful for us all to gain some perspective when we feel for example, that men only want ‘one thing’.

    • Masha Dowell says:

      Thank you Renee for this post. I ‘opened’ my heart for the first time EVER…after keeping mum on my desires for vulnerable love. I was rejected by the guy…but I was so utterly shocked at my ability to deeply love. I think in turn I found this site somehow…anyhow. My broken heart, is actually leading me to amazing new places in loving myself and accepting that I am love and I want that type of love with my man.

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